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The Eleventh Hour
Dr. Ramstead: So. They all called out at once. That’s what you’re saying. All of them. All the coma patients. You do understand that these people are all comatose, don’t you?
Rory Williams: Yes, Dr. Ramstead.
Dr. Ramstead: Then why are you wasting my time?
Rory: Because they called out for you.
The Doctor: You came to this world by opening a crack in space and time. Do it again. Just leave.
Prisoner Zero: I did not open the crack.
The Doctor: Somebody did.
Prisoner Zero: The cracks in the skin of the Universe. Don’t you know where they came from? You don’t, do you? The Doctor in the TARDIS doesn’t know. Doesn’t know doesn’t know! The Universe is cracked. The Pandorica will open, silence will fall.
Prisoner Zero: Silence, Doctor. Silence will fall!
The Beast Below
Mandy: You got a zero, didn’t you?
Timmy: Yeah. So?
Mandy: You’ll have to walk home then.
Timmy: Walk to London? That’s twenty decks!
Mandy: You can’t ride a Vator with a zero. You know what happens. You’ll get sent below.
Vator: Welcome to Vatorverse. Sponsored by McClintock’s Candy Burgers.
Poem Girl: A horse and a man. Above below. One has a plan but both must go. Mile after mile, above beneath. One has a smile and one has teeth. Though the man above might say hello expect no love from the beast below.
Winder: Sorry to interrupt. There’s been a sighting. London Block. Oxford Street. A man.
Liz Ten: Did he do the thing?
Winder: Apparently.
Mandy: You sound Scottish.
Amy: I am Scottish. What’s wrong with that? Scotland’s gotta be here somewhere.
Mandy: No. They wanted their own ship.
Amy: Good for them. Nothing changes.
Liz Ten: The impossible truth. In a glass of water. Not many people see it. But you do. Don’t you, Doctor.
The Doctor: You know me.
Liz Ten: Keep your voice down. They’re everywhere. Tell me what you see in the glass.
The Doctor: Who says I see anything?
Liz Ten: Don’t waste time. At the marketplace. You
placed a glass of water on the floor, looked at it, then came straight here to the engine room. Why?
The Doctor: No engine vibration on deck. Ship this size, engine this big, you’d feel it. The water would move. So. I thought I’d take a look.
The Doctor: Who are you? How do I find you again?
Liz Ten: I am Liz Ten. And I will find you.
Starship UK Video: You are here because you want to know the truth about this starship. And I am talking to you because you’re entitled to know. When this presentation is finished, you have a choice. You may either protest. Or forget. If you choose to protest understand this: if just 1% of the population of the ship do likewise the program will be discontinued with consequences for you all. If you choose to accept the situation—and we hope that you will—then press the forget button. All the information that I’m about to give you will be erased from your memory. You will continue to enjoy the safety and amenities of Starship UK, unburdened by the knowledge of what has been done to save you. Here then, is the truth about Starship UK and the price that has been paid for the safety of the British people. May God have mercy on our souls.
Liz Ten: Lovely hair Amy. Sorry about the sick.
Liz Ten: What’s the big fella doing here?
The Doctor: You’re over 16. You voted. Whatever this is, you’ve chosen to forget about it.
Liz Ten: No. Never forgot. Never voted. Not technically a British subject.
The Doctor: Then who and what are you and why do you know me?
Liz Ten: You’re a bit hard to miss, love. Mysterious stranger. M.O. consistent with higher alien intelligence. Hair of an idiot. I’ve been brought up on the stories. My whole family was.
Liz Ten: The Doctor. Old drinking buddy of Henry Twelve. Tea and scones with Liz Two. Vicky was a bit on the fence about you, wasn’t she? Knighted and Exiled you on the same day. And so much for the Virgin Queen. You bad, bad boy!
The Doctor: Liz Ten.
Liz Ten: Liz Ten yeah. Elizabeth the Tenth. And down! shoots the weird guys. I’m the bloody queen, mate. Basically: I rule.
Amy: Doctor?
The Doctor: Oh Amy. We should never have come here.
Amy: And you always wear this in public?
Liz Ten: Undercover’s not easy when you’re me. The autographs. The bunting.
Liz Ten: Who did this?
Winder: We act on instructions from the highest authority.
Liz Ten: I am the highest authority. The creature will be released. Now. I said now! Is anyone listening to me?
The Doctor: Liz. Your mask.
Liz Ten: What about my mask?
The Doctor: Look at it. It’s old. At least about two hundred years old, I’d say.
Liz Ten: Yeah. It’s an antique. So.
The Doctor: Yeah. An antique. Made my craftsmen over two hundred years ago and perfectly sculpted to your face. The slowed your body clock alright. But you’re not fifty. You’re 300.
Liz Ten: If you are watching this. If I am watching this, then you have found your way to the Tower of London.
Liz Ten: If you wish our voyage to continue, then you must press the forget button. Be again the heart of this nation. Untainted. If not, press the other button. Your reign will end, the Star Whale will be released. And our ship will disintegrate. I hope I keep the strength to make the right decision.
Poem Girl: In bed above or deep asleep. While greater love lies further deep. This dream must end, this world must know. We all depend on the beast below.
Victory of the Daleks
Winston Churchill: How many?
Looks like a dozen tanks at least, sir. Messerschmitt flank.
Winston Churchill: Out of range?
Bree: Normally, sir. Yeah.
Winston Churchill: Well then. Time to roll out the secret weapon.
Churchill: So you’ve changed your face again.
The Doctor: Yeah. Had a bit of work done.
Churchill: We stand alone at a crossroads, Doctor. Quite alone. With our backs to the wall. Invasion is expected daily. So I will grasp with both hands anything that will give us an advantage over the Nazi menace.
The Doctor: Such as?
Churchill: Follow me.
Churchill: Doctor! This is Professor Edwin Bracewell. Head of our Ironsides Project.
Amy: What was that?
The Doctor: That wasn’t human. That was never human technology. That sounded like—
Shouldn’t be. Show me! Show me what that was!
Professor Edwin Bracewell: Advance.
Churchill: Our new secret weapon! What do you think? Quite something, eh?
The Doctor: What are you doing here?
Dalek: I am your soldier.
The Doctor: What?
Dalek: I am your soldier.
The Doctor: He didn’t invent them. They’re alien.
Churchill: Alien?
The Doctor: Totally hostile.
Churchill: Precisely. They will win me the war.
The Doctor: Listen to me. Just listen. The daleks have no conscience. No mercy. No pity. They are my oldest and deadliest enemy. You can not trust them.
Churchill: If Hitler invaded hell I would give a favorable reference to the Devil.
The Doctor: You are everything I despise. The worst sin in all creation. I’ve defeated you time and time again. I’ve defeated. I’ve sent you back into the Void. I’ve saved the whole reality from you. I am the Doctor and you are the Daleks!
Dalek: Correct! Review testimony.
The Doctor: What are you talking about, testimony?
Dalek: Transmit testimony now.
The Doctor: Transmit what where?
Amy: Well what does he expect us to do now?
Churchill: KBO, of course!
Amy: What?
Churchill: “Keep Buggering On.”
The Doctor: What are you doing?
Dalek: Withdraw now or the city dies in flames!
The Doctor: Who are you kidding? This ship is a wreck. You don’t have the power to destroy London.
Dalek: Watch as the humans destroy themselves.
Churchill: I don’t give a damn if you’re a machine, Bracewell. Are you a man?
The Doctor: Either you turn off your clever machine or I’ll blow you and your new paradigm into eternity.
Dalek: And yourself?
The Doctor: Occupational hazard!
Dalek: Scan reveals nothing. TARDIS self-destruct device non-existent.
The Doctor: Alright, it’s a Jammie Dodger. But I was promised tea!
The Time of Angels
Alistair: The party’s over, Dr. Song. Yet still you’re on board.
Dr. River Song: Sorry Alistair. I needed to see what was in your vault. Do you all know what’s down there? Any of you? Because I’ll tell you something, this ship won’t reach its destination.
Alistair to the guards: Wait ’til she runs. Don’t make it look like an execution.
Father Octavian: Has Dr. Song explained what we’re dealing with here?
River: Doctor, what do you know of the Weeping Angels?
The Doctor: Catacombs. Probably dark ones. Dark catacombs. Great.
Octavian: Technically, I think it’s called a “Maze of the Dead”.
The Doctor: You can stop anytime you like.
Octavian: A stone angel on the loose amongst stone statues. Lot harder than I prayed for.
River: A needle in a haystack.
The Doctor: A needle that looks like hay. A hay-like needle of death. A hay-like needle of death in a haystack of… statues. No, yours is fine.
Octavian: He doesn’t know yet, does he? Who and what you are.
River: It’s too early in his time stream.
Octavian: Well make sure he doesn’t work it out. Or he’s not going to help us.
River: I won’t let you down. Believe you me, I have no intention of going back to prison.
The Doctor: ‘Course then they started having laws against self-marrying. I mean, what was that about? But that’s the church for you. Ah, no offense. Bishop.
Octavian: Quite a lot taken if that’s all right, Doctor.
The Doctor: Nobody move! Nobody move. Everyone stay exactly where they are. Bishop, I am truly sorry I’ve made a mistake and we are all in terrible danger.
Octavian: What danger?
River: The Aplans.
Octavian: The Aplans?
River: They’ve got two heads.
Octavian: Yes, I get that. So?
The Doctor: So why don’t the statues.
The Doctor: Bob. Sacred Bob. It’s me, the Doctor. Where are you now?
Octavian: I’m talking—
The Doctor: Yep yep yep. Shut up.
Bob: I’m on my way up to you, sir. I’m homing in on your signal.
The Doctor: Well done, Bob. Scared keeps you fast. Told you didn’t I. Your friends, Bob. What did the Angels do to them?
Bob: Snapped their necks, sir.
The Doctor: See that’s odd. That’s not how the Angels kill you. They displace you in time unless they needed bodies for something.
Octavian: Bob. Did you check their data banks for vital signs? We may be able to initiate a rescue.
The Doctor: Oh don’t be an idiot! The Angels don’t need you alive. Bob, keep running. But tell me, how did you escape?
Bob: I didn’t escape, sir. The Angel killed me too.
The Doctor: What do you mean, the Angel killed you too?
Bob: Snapped my neck sir. Wasn’t as painless as I expected but it was pretty quick, so that was something.
The Doctor: If you’re dead how can I be talking to you?
Bob: You’re not talking to me sir. The Angel has no voice. They stripped my cerebral cortex from my body and reanimated a version of my consciousness to communicate with you. Sorry about the confusion.
The Doctor: So when you say “you’re”
on your way up to us…
Bob: It’s the Angel that’s coming sir, yes.
The Doctor: Okay. The Angels have made their second mistake because I’m not going to let that pass. I’m sorry you’re dead, Bob, but I swear to whatever is left of you they will be sorrier.
Angel Bob: But you’re trapped sir. And about to die.
The Doctor: Yeah. Trapped. And you know what? Speaking of traps, this trap’s got a great big mistake in it. A great big whopping mistake!
Angel Bob: What mistake sir?
Flesh and Stone
The Doctor: I’ll need to route the power in this section through the door control.
Octavian: Good. Fine. Do it.
The Doctor: Including the lights. All of them. I’ll need to turn out the lights.
Octavian: How
long for?
The Doctor: Fraction of a second. Maybe longer. Maybe quite a bit longer.
Octavian: Maybe?
The Doctor: Well I’m guessing. We’re being attacked by statues in a crashed ship. There isn’t a manual for this!
Octavian: Dr. Song, I’ve lost good clerics today. You trust this man?
River: I absolutely trust him.
Octavian: He’s not some kind of mad man then?
River: I absolutely trust him.
Angel Bob: The Angels are feasting sir. Soon we’ll be able to absorb enough power to consume this vessel, this world and all the stars and worlds beyond.
The Doctor: Well, we’ve got comfy chairs, did I mention?
Angel Bob: We have no need of comfy chairs.
The Doctor to Amy: I made him say “comfy chairs”.
The Doctor: Here’s what I want to know. What have you done to Amy?
Angel Bob: There’s something in her eye.
The Doctor: What’s in her eye?
Angel Bob: We are.
Octavian: Before you go—
The Doctor: I’m not going.
Octavian: Listen to me! It’s important. You can’t trust her.
The Doctor: Trust who?
Octavian: River Song. You think you know her, but you don’t. You don’t understand who or what she is.
The Doctor: Then tell me.
Octavian: I’ve told you more than I should. Now please. You have to go. It’s your duty to your friends.
The Doctor: Just tell me why she was in Stormcage.
Octavian: She killed a man. A good man. A hero to many.
Octavian: Sir, the Angels are coming. You have to leave me!
The Doctor: You’ll die.
Octavian: I will die in the knowledge that my courage did not desert me at the end. For that I thank God. And bless the path that takes you to safety.
The Doctor: I wish I’d known you better.
Octavian: I think, sir, you know me at my best.
The Doctor: Ready?
Octavian: Content.
Vampires of Venice
Venice 1580
Guido about his daughter: Signora, she is my world.
Signora Rosanna Calvierri: Then we will take your world.
The Doctor: Who are those girls?
Guido: I thought everyone knew about the Calvierri School.
The Doctor: My first day here, it’s okay. So parents do all sorts of things to get children into good schools. They move house, they change religion. So why are you trying to get her out?
Guido: Something happens in there. Something magical. Something evil.
The Doctor checking the mirror: Hello Handsome.
The Girls: Who are you?
The Doctor: How are you doing that?! I am loving it! You’re like Houdini, only five slutty, scary girls. And he was shorter—will be shorter. I’m rambling.
The Girls: I’ll ask you again, Signor. Who are you?
The Doctor: Why don’t you check THIS out. Library card. Of course. It’s with {mimes Rory’s nose}. He’s… I need a spare. Pale creepy girls who don’t like sunlight and can’t be seen. Am I thinking what I think I’m thinking? But the city, why shut down the city? Unless—
The Girls: Leave now Signor, or we shall call for the steward. If you’re lucky.
The Doctor: Tell me the whole plan! {silence} One day that’ll work. Listen, I would love to stay here. This whole— I’m thrilled. Oh, this is Christmas!
Rosanna: Psychic paper. Did you really think that would work on me?
Rosanna: Where are you from? Did you fall through the chasm?
Francesco: Mother. This is pointless. Let’s just start the process.
Rosanna: Hold your tongue, Francesco! I need to know what this girl is doing in the world of savages with psychic paper. Who are you with? See, I scarcely believe your idiot brother sent you. What are you doing in my school?
Amy: Okay. I’ll tell you. I’m from Ofsted.
The Doctor: Cab for Amy Pond?
Rosanna: This rescue plan, not exactly water tight is it?
The Doctor: Long way from Saturnyne, aren’t you? Sister of the Water.
Rosanna: No, let me guess. The owner of the psychic paper. Then I take it you’re a refugee like me.
The Doctor: I’ll make you a deal. An answer for an answer.
You’re using a perception filter. It doesn’t change your features but manipulates the brain waves of the person looking at you. Seeing one of you for the first time in, say, a mirror, the brain doesn’t know what to fill the gap with so leaves it blank. Hence no reflection.
Rosanna: Your question?
The Doctor: Why can we see your big teeth?
Rosanna laughing: Self-preservation overrides the mirage. The subconscious perceives the threat and tries to alert the conscious brain.
The Doctor: Where’s Isabella?
Rosanna: My turn. Where are you from?
The Doctor: Gallifrey.
Rosanna: You should be in a museum. Or in a mausoleum.
The Doctor: Why are you here?
Rosanna: We ran from the Silence. Why are you here?
The Doctor: Wedding present. The Silence?
Rosanna: There were cracks. Some were tiny. Some were as big as the sky. Through some we saw worlds, and people. And through others we saw silence. And the end of all things. We fled to a nation like ours. And the crack snapped shut behind us. Saturnyne was lost.
The Doctor: So Earth is to become Saturnyne mark two.
Rosanna: And you can help me. We can build a new society here as others have. What d’you say?
The Doctor: Hm.
Where’s Isabella.
Rosanna: Isabella?
The Doctor: The girl who saved my friend.
Rosanna: Oh, deserters must be executed. Any general will tell you that. I need an answer, Doctor. A partnership. Any which way you chose.
The Doctor: I don’t think that’s such a good idea, do you? I’m a Time Lord. You’re a big fish. Think of the children.
The Doctor: Rosanna, please, help me. There are two hundred thousand people in this city.
Rosanna: So save them.
Rory: This way, you freak! No, you… big stupid great Spongebob…
Rory: Oh, you stink of fish.
Francesco: Well I’m hardly going to smell of cheese and biscuits.
Rosanna: One city to save an entire species. Was that too much to ask?
Rosanna: Tell me Doctor, can your conscience carry the weight of another dead race? Remember us. Dream of us.
Amy’s Choice
The Doctor: Someone—something—is overriding my controls!
Dream Lord: Well that took a while. Honestly, I’d heard such good things. Last of the Time Lords. The Oncoming Storm. Him in the bowtie.
The Doctor: How did you get into my TARDIS? What are you?
Dream Lord: What should we call me? Well. If you’re the Time Lord let’s call me the Dream Lord.
The Doctor: Nice look.
Dream Lord: This? Yeah, I’m not convinced. Bowties?
Dream Lord: Oh Amy. You have to sort your men out. Choose, even.
Amy: I have chosen. Of course, I’ve chosen. It’s you, stupid!
Rory: Oh! Good. Thanks.
Dream Lord: You can’t fool me. I’ve seen your dreams. Some of them twice, Amy. Blimey. I’d blush if I had a blood supply. Or a real face.
The Doctor: Where did you pick up this bad cabaret act?
Dream Lord: Me? Oh, you’re on shaky ground.
The Doctor: Am I?
Dream Lord: If you have any more tawdry quirks you open up have a tawdry quirk shop. The madcap vehicle. The cockamamie hair. The clothes designed by a first-year fashion student. I’m surprised you haven’t got a little purple space dog. Just to ram home what an intergalactic wag you are.
Dream Lord: So here’s your challenge: two worlds. Here, in the time machine. And there, in the village that time forgot. One is real, the other’s… fake. And just to make it more interesting. You’re going to face—in both worlds—a deadly danger. But only one of the danger’s is real. Tweet tweet. Time to sleep. {the birds start} Oh. Or are you waking up.
Dream Lord: Oh this is bad. This is very very bad. You’re brain is see-through.
Dream Lord: Ask me what happens if you die in reality.
Rory: What happens?
Dream Lord: You die, stupid. That’s why it’s called reality.
Dream Lord: There was an old Doctor from Gallifrey/Who ended up throwing his life away
He let down his friends and— {birds} Oh no. We’ve run out of time.
The Doctor: Drop it! Drop all that. I know who you are.
Dream Lord: Of course you don’t.
The Doctor: Of course I do. I’ve no idea how you can be here, but there’s only one person in the Universe that hates me as much as you do.
Dream Lord: Poor Amy. He always leaves you, doesn’t he? Alone in the dark. Never apologizes.
Amy: He doesn’t have to.
Dream Lord: That’s good. Because he never will. And now he’s left you with me. Spooky old not-to-be-trusted me. Anything could happen.
Amy: Who are you and what do you want? The Doctor knows you, but he’s not telling me who you are. And he always does. Takes him awhile sometimes but he tells me. So you’re something different.
Dream Lord: Oh, is that who you think you are? The one he trusts?
Amy: Actually, yes.
Dream Lord: The only girl in the Universe to whom the Doctor tells everything.
Amy: Yes.
Dream Lord: So what’s his name?
Dream Lord: PIck a world and this nightmare will all be over. They’ll listen to you. It’s you they’re waiting for. Amy’s men. Amy’s choice.
Dream Lord: It’s make-your-mind-up time. In both worlds.
The Doctor: Fine. I need to find my friends.
Dream Lord: “Friends”. Is that the right word for the people you acquire? Friends are people you stay in touch with. Your friends never see you again one they’ve grown up. The old man prefers the company of the young, does he not?
Dream Lord: So. You chose this world. Well done. You got it right. And with only seconds left. Fair’s fair. Let’s warm you up. I hope you’ve enjoyed your little fictions. They all came out of your imagination so, ah, I’ll leave you to ponder on that. I have been defeated. I shall withdraw. Farewell.
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The Hungry Earth
Cwmtaff, South Wales 2020 AD
Mo reading The Gruffalo: “Who is this creature with terrible claws, terrible teeth and his terrible jaws?” Go on, your bit. “He has—”
Elliot: I can’t do it Dad. I can listen to books anyway.
Mo: I know you can listen, son, but you’ve got to keep at it.
Nasreen Chaudhry: The drill’s shut down. There’s no sign of Mo, and nobody’s been in or out of the perimeter between last night and… now. What’s that? That wasn’t there last night. How the hell did that get there?
Tony Mack: Don’t know.
Ambrose: Well that was quick.
Rory: Was it?
Ambrose: It’s great that you came.
Elliot: Bit retro. What is it, portable crime lab?
Rory: Oh, uh. Sort of.
Ambrose: Ambrose Northover. I was the one who called. I run a Meals on Wheels for the whole valley. This is my son Elliot.
Elliot: Where’s your uniform?
Ambrose: Don’t be cheeky, Elliot. He’s plain clothes. CID is it? Anyway, it’s over here.
Rory: Um. shrugs and follows the two
Ambrose: It’s a family plot, see. My aunt Gladys died six years ago. Her husband, Allen, died a few weeks back. They lived in a house two doors down.
Elliot: Mom, he doesn’t care about that. He wants to know about the dead bodies.
Ambrose: Yes, sorry. Well they always wanted to be buried in the same plot—together. But when we went to bury Uncle Allen, Gladys wasn’t there. Gone. Body, coffin, everything.
Rory: What?
Ambrose: Remarkable thing is, on the surface the grave was untouched. No signs of it having been messed with.
Rory: I’m sorry, I don’t understand.
Ambrose: Nobody has touched the grave since my aunt was buried. When we went to open it, the body was gone. How is that possible?
Elliot: There’s only one explanation as far as I can see.
Rory: What’s that then?
Elliot: The graves eat people. Devour them whole. Leaving no trace.
Rory: Not sure about that.
Elliot: They didn’t steal the body from above. They couldn’t have got it from the sides. Only other thing is the dead did it from underneath.
Rory: Not very likely though.
Elliot: When you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains—however improbable—must be the truth.
Rory: Sorry?
Elliot: Sherlock Holmes. Got the audio book. The graves around you eat people.
Tony Mack: You’re not making any sense, man.
The Doctor: Excuse me, I’m making perfect sense. You’re just not keeping up.
The Doctor: Energy signal originating from under the earth. We’re trapped.
Rory: Doctor, something weird’s going on here. The graves are eating people.
The Doctor: Not now, Rory! Energy barricade, invisible to the naked eye. We can’t get out and no one from the outside world can get in.
Rory: What? Okay. What about the TARDIS?
Nasreen: The what?
The Doctor: No, those energy patterns would play havoc with the circuits. With a bit of time maybe, but we’ve only got nine and a half minutes.
Rory: Nine and a half minutes to what?
Nasreen: We’re trapped and something’s burrowing toward the surface.
Rory: Where’s Amy?
The Doctor: Get everyone inside the church. Rory, I’ll get her back.
Rory: What d’you mean? Where’s she gone?
The Doctor: She was taken. Into the earth.
Rory: How? Why didn’t you stop it?
The Doctor: I tried. I promise, I tried.
Rory: Well you should have tried harder!
The Doctor: I’ll find Amy. I’ll keep you all safe. I promise. C’mon, please. I need you alongside me.
The Doctor: Lovely place to grow up ’round here.
Elliot: I suppose.
I want to live in the city one day. As soon as I’m old enough I’ll be off.
The Doctor: I was the same way where I grew up.
Elliot: Did you get away?
The Doctor: Yeah…
Elliot: Do you ever miss it?
The Doctor: So much.
Elliot: Is it monsters coming? Have you met monsters before?
The Doctor: Yeah.
Elliot: Are you scared of them?
The Doctor: No. They’re scared of me.
Elliot: Can you really get my dad back?
The Doctor: No question.
Ambrose: Where’s Elliot? Has anyone seen Elliot? Did he come in? Was he in when the door was shut? Who counted him back in? Who saw him last?
The Doctor: I did.
Ambrose: Where is he?
The Doctor: He said he was going to get headphones.
Ambrose: And you let him go? He was out there on his own!
The Doctor: How long’s your tribe been sleeping under the Earth, Alaya? It’s not difficult to work out. You’re 300 million years out of your comfort zone. Question is, what woke you now.
Alaya: We were attacked.
The Doctor: The drill.
Alaya: Our sensors detected a threat to our life support systems. The warrior class was activated to prevent the assault, wipe the vermin from the surface and reclaim our planet.
The Doctor: Do we have to say “vermin”? They’re really very nice.
Alaya: Primitive apes.
The Doctor: Extraordinary species; you attack them, they’ll fight back. But! There’s a peace to be brokered here. I can help you with that.
Alaya: This land is ours. We lived here long before the apes.
The Doctor: Doesn’t give you automatic rights to it now, I’m afraid. Humans won’t give up the planet.
Alaya: So we destroy them.
The Doctor: You underestimate them.
Alaya: You underestimate us!
The Doctor: One tribe of homo reptilia against six billion humans—you’ve got your work cut out.
Alaya: We did not initiate combat! But we can still win.
The Doctor: Tell me where my friend is. Give us back the people who were taken.
Alaya: No.
The Doctor: I’m not going to let you provoke a war, Alaya. They’ll be no battle here today.
Alaya: The fire of war is already lit. A massacre is due.
The Doctor: Not while I’m here.
Alaya: I’ll gladly die for my cause! What will you sacrifice for yours?
Alaya: I know which one of you will kill me. Do you?
Nasreen: How far down are we?
The Doctor: We’re not more than 24 kilometers.
Nasreen: So why aren’t we burning alive?
The Doctor: Don’t know. Interesting, isn’t it?
Nasreen: It’s like this is every day to you.
The Doctor: Not every day. Every other day.
Cold Blood
Eldane: This is the story of our planet. Earth. On the day a thousand years past when we came to share it with a race known as humanity. It is the story of the Doctor who helped our races find common ground, and the terrible loses he suffered. It is the story of our past and must never be forgotten.
The Doctor: Not got any celery do you? No. No, not really the climate. Tomatoes though. You’d do a roaring trade in those. I’m the Doctor. Oh, and there’s Nasreen.
Nasreen: Oh, green man.
The Doctor: Hello. Who are you?
Restac: Restac. Military command.
The Doctor: Oh do you really? There’s always a military, isn’t there.
Malohkeh: Your weapon was attacking the oxygen pockets above our city.
The Doctor: Oxygen pockets, lovely. Oo. But not so good with an impending drill. Now it makes sense.
Restac: Do you understand who we are?
Rory: Sort of. A bit. Not really.
Eldane: You want to start a war while the rest of us sleep, Restac?
Restac: The apes are attacking us!
Eldane: You’re our protector, not our commander, Restac Unchain them.
Restac: I do not recognize your authority at this time, Eldane.
Eldane: Well then. You must shoot me.
The Doctor: Are you sure about this?
Eldane: My priority is my race’s survival. The Earth isn’t ready for us to return yet.
The Doctor: No. But maybe it should be.
Nasreen: I’ve got what I was digging for. I can’t leave when I’ve only just found it. Thank you, Doctor.
The Doctor: The pleasure was all mine.
Nasreen: Come and look for us.
Amy: All of Nasreen’s work, just erased.
Mo: Good thing she’s not here to see it. She’s going to give Tony hell when they wake up.
Eldane: Now as my people awaken from their thousand year sleep, ready to rise to the surface, my thoughts turn back to the Doctor. The losses he suffered then. And the greater losses that were still to come.
Vincent and the Doctor
Musée d’Orsay
Young kid: Who is it?
Young kid: It’s the doctor! He was the doctor who took care of van Gogh when he started to go mad.
Young kid: I knew that.
The Doctor: Excuse me, if I could just interrupt for one second. Sorry everyone. Um. Routine inspection. Ministry of Art and… Artiness. So. Um…
Dr. Black (Bill Nighy): Dr. Black.
The Doctor: Yes. That’s right. Do you actually know when that picture of the church was painted?
Dr. Black: Ah! Well. Ah! What an interesting question. Most people
imagine—
The Doctor: You’re going to have to hurry. When was it?
Dr. Black: Exactly?
The Doctor: As exactly as you can without a long speech if possible, I’m in a hurry.
Dr. Black: Well in that case probably somewhere between the first and third of June.
The Doctor: What year?
Dr. Black: 1890. Less than a year before… before he killed himself.
The Doctor: Thank you, sir. Very helpful indeed. Nice bow tie. Bow ties are cool.
Dr. Black: Yours is very….
The Doctor: Thank you. Keep telling them stuff.
Vincent van Gogh: One painting for one drink. That’s not a bad deal.
Maitre d’: It wouldn’t be a bad deal if the painting were any good. I can’t hang that up on my walls, it’ll scare the customers half to death. It’s bad enough having you in here in person, let alone looming over the customers day and night in a stupid hat.
Pay money or you get out.
The Doctor: I’ll pay if you like.
Vincent van Gogh: What?
The Doctor: Well if you like I’ll pay for the drink. Or I’ll pay for the painting and you can use the money to pay for the drink.
Vincent van Gogh: Exactly who are you?
The Doctor: Oh I’m… new in town.
Vincent van Gogh: Well in that case you don’t know three things. One, I pay for my own drinks, thank you. {the crowd laughs} Two. No one ever buys any of my paintings or they would be laughed out of town. So if you want to stay in town I suggest you keep your cash to yourself. And three, your friend’s cute, but you should keep your big nose out of other people’s business.
Van Gogh: Your hair is orange.
Amy: Yes. So’s yours.
Van Gogh: Yes. It was more orange but now as of course, less.
The Doctor: You all right?
Van Gogh: Yes. I’m used to it.
The Doctor: Has anything like this murder happened here before?
Van Gogh: Only a week ago. It’s a terrible time.
The Doctor: As I thought. As I thought. Come on, we better get you home.
Van Gogh: Where are you staying tonight?
The Doctor: Oh! You’re very kind.
Van Gogh: Sorry about all the clutter.
The Doctor: Some clutter.
Van Gogh: Well I’ve come to accept the only person who’s going to love my paintings is me.
Van Gogh: What is it with you and the church?
The Doctor: Oh, just casually interested in it. You know.
Van Gogh: It’s far from casual. Seems to me you never talk about anything else. {to Amy} He’s a strange one.
The Doctor: Okay, so let’s talk about you then. What are you interested in?
Van Gogh: Well look around. Art. You know, it seems to me there’s so much more to the world than the average eye’s allowed to see. I believe, if you look hard, there are more wonders in this universe than you could ever have dreamed of.
The Doctor: You don’t have to tell me.
Van Gogh: It’s color! Color that holds the key! I can hear the colors. Listen to them. Every time I step outside I feel nature is shouting at me. “Come on! Come and get me!” “Come on! Come on! Capture my mystery!”
The Doctor: Maybe you’ve had enough coffee now. How about some nice calming tea.
Van Gogh: They’re not my favorite flower.
Amy: You don’t like sunflowers?
Van Gogh: No, it’s not that I don’t like them. I find them complex. Always somewhere between living and dying. Half-human as they turn to the sun. A little disgusting. But you know, they are a challenge.
The Doctor: And one I’m pretty sure you’ll rise to.
The Doctor: Dotted all around the universe are individual, utterly merciless—utterly abandoned—Krafayis. And what they do is… well, kill. Until they’re killed. Which they usually are because other creatures can’t see them.
Van Gogh: But I can.
The Doctor: Vincent, can I help?
Van Gogh: It’s so clear you cannot help. And when you leave—and everyone always leaves—I will be left once more with an empty heart and no hope.
The Doctor: My experience is that there is, you know, surprisingly always hope.
Van Gogh: Then your experience is incomplete! I know how it will end. And it will not end well.
Amy: I’m sorry you’re so sad.
Van Gogh: But I’m not. Sometimes these moods torture me for weeks— for months. But I’m good now. If Amy Pond can soldier on then so can Vincent Van Gogh.
Amy: I’m not soldiering on. I’m fine.
Van Gogh: Oh Amy, I hear the song of your sadness. You’ve lost someone I think.
Amy: I’m not sad.
Van Gogh: Then why are you crying?
The Doctor: I’m going in!
Van Gogh: I’m coming too.
The Doctor: No! You’re Vincent Van Gogh. No.
Van Gogh: But you’re not armed!
The Doctor: I am.
Van Gogh: What with?
The Doctor: Overconfidence, this {pats bag} and a small screwdriver. I’m absolutely sorted.
Van Gogh: He wasn’t without mercy at all. He was without sight. I didn’t mean that to happen. I only meant to wound it, I never…
The Doctor: He’s trying to say something.
Van Gogh: What is it?
The Doctor: I’m having trouble making it out, but I think he’s saying, “I’m, I’m afraid. I’m afraid.”
Van Gogh: He was frightened. And he lashed out. Like humans, who lash out when they’re frightened. Like the villagers who scream at me. Like the children who throw stones at me.
The Doctor: Sometimes winning, winning is no fun at all.
Van Gogh: Hold my hand, Doctor. Try to see what I see. We’re so lucky we’re still alive to see this beautiful world. Look at the sky. It’s not dark and black and without character. The black is in fact deep blue. And over there! Lights are blue. And blue in through the blueness, and the blackness, the winds swirling through the air… and then shining. Burning, bursting through! The stars, can you see how they roll their light? Everywhere we look, complex magic of nature blazes before our eyes.
The Doctor: I’ve seen many things, my friend. But you’re right. Nothing’s quite as wonderful as the things you see.
Van Gogh: I will miss you terribly.
Van Gogh: Doctor my friend, we have fought monsters together and we have won. On my own I fear I may not do as well.
Van Gogh: How come I’m the crazy one and you two have stayed sane?
The Doctor: I just wondered, between you and me—in a hundred words—where do you think Van Gogh rates in the history of art?
Dr. Black: Well. Um, big question, um, but to me, Van Gogh is the finest painter of them all. Certainly the most popular great painter of all time. The most beloved. His command of color, the most magnificent. He transformed the pain of his tormented life into ecstatic beauty. Pain is easy to portray but to use your passion and pain to portray the ecstasy and joy and magnificence of our world. No one had ever done it before. Perhaps no one ever will again. To my mind, that strange wild man who roamed the fields of Provence, was not only the world’s greatest artist but also one of the greatest men who ever lived.
Van Gogh: This changes everything. I’ll step out tomorrow with my easel in hand. Although I still can’t belief one of the haystacks was in the museum. How embarrassing.
The Lodger
Sophie: Craig, what’s that on the ceiling?
Craig: What’s what on the ceiling?
Sophie: That. It’s coming from upstairs. Who lives up there again?
Craig: Just some bloke.
Sophie: Ugh. Now she’s having a Dylan crisis on top of the Claire crisis. It could be another all-nighter.
The Doctor: This is the most beautiful parlor I’ve ever seen. You’re obviously a man of impeccable taste. I can stay Craig, can’t I? Say I can.
Craig: You haven’t even seen the room.
The Doctor: The room?
Craig: Your room.
The Doctor: My room. Oh yes! My room! My room. Take me to my room.
Craig: Here, this is Mark’s old room. He owns the place. Moved out about a month ago. This uncle he’d never even heard of died and left a load of money in the will.
The Doctor: How very convenient. This’ll do just right in fact. {more crashing upstairs}. No time to lose. I’ll take it. Ah! You want to see my credentials. {shows him the psychic paper} There. National Insurance number. {flips the psychic paper behind his back} NHS number. {and again} References.
Craig: Is that a reference from the Archbishop of Canterbury?
The Doctor: I’m his special favorite. Sh.
Craig: Why am I telling you this? I don’t even know you.
The Doctor: Well I’ve got one of those faces. People never stop blurting out their plans when I’m around.
Craig: Right. Where’s your stuff?
The Doctor: Don’t worry. It’ll materialize. If all goes to plan.
Craig: That was incredible. That was absolutely brilliant. Where did you learn to cook?
The Doctor: Paris. In the eighteenth century. No, hang on. That’s not recent is it? Seventeenth? No no, twentieth. Sorry, I’m not used to doing them in the right order.
Craig: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a bit weird?
The Doctor: They never really stop. Ever been to Paris, Craig?
Craig: Nah. I can’t see the point of Paris. I’m not much of a traveler.
The Doctor: I can tell from your sofa.
Craig: My sofa?
The Doctor: You’re starting to look like it.
The Doctor: Those keys.
Craig: What?
The Doctor: You’re sort of… fondling them.
Craig: I’m holding them! Anyway. {grabs another set} These, these are your keys.
The Doctor: I can stay?
Craig: Yeah, you’re weird and you can cook. It’s good enough for me.
Craig: And listen, Mark and I, we had an arrangement. Where if you ever need me out of your hair just give me a shout. Okay? {he winks knowingly}
The Doctor winking back: … Why would I want that?
Craig: Well in case you want to bring someone ’round, or girlfriend or {looks at his outfit} boyfriend.
The Doctor: Oh I will. I’ll shout. Yes. Something like, “I was not expecting this!”. By the way, that—the rot—I’ve got the strangest feeling we shouldn’t touch it.
Sophie: A bow tie? Are you serious?
Craig: We’ve got a match today, Pub league. We’re one down if you fancy it.
The Doctor: Pub league. A drinking competition?
Craig: No. Football. Play football.
The Doctor: Football? Football! Yes! Blokes play football. I’m good at football I think.
The Doctor: You’ve got two sets of keys to someone else’s house?
Sophie: Yeah.
The Doctor: I see. You must like it here too.
Sophie: ’Cause life can seem pointless. You know, Doctor? Work, weekend. Work, weekend. And there’s six billion people on the planet pretty much doing the same.
The Doctor: Six billion people. Watching you two work, I’m starting to wonder where they all come from.
Sophie: What? What do you mean by that?
The Doctor: Hello Craig! How’re you feeling? Had some time to kill. I was curious. Never worked in an office. Never worked in anywhere.
Craig: You’re insane!
Boss: Leave off the Doctor— I love the Doctor. He was brilliant in the planning meeting.
Craig: You went to the planning meeting?
The Doctor: Yes. I was your representative. We don’t need Mr. Lange anymore. Rude Mr. Lange.
Craig: I can’t take this anymore. I want you to go. {hands him the cash} You can have this back in whole.
The Doctor: What have I done?
Craig: For a start, talking to a cat.
The Doctor: Lots of people talk to cats.
Craig: And everybody loves you and you’re better at football than me and my job. And now Sophie’s all “Oh! Monkeys! Monkeys!”. And then, there’s that!
The Doctor: It’s art. A statement on modern society.
“Oo! Ain’t modern society awful?”
Craig: Me and you, it’s not going to work out. You’ve only been here three days, they’ve been the weirdest three days of my life.
The Doctor: Your days would get a lot weirder if I go.
Craig: I thought it was good weird. It’s not. It’s bad weird. I can’t do this anymore!
The Doctor: Craig, I can’t leave this place. I’m like you. I can’t see the point of anywhere else. Madrid? Ha! What a dump! I have to stay.
Craig: No you don’t. You have to leave.
The Doctor: I can’t go.
Craig: Just get out!
The Doctor: Right. Only way I’m going to show you something but Shh! really shh! Oh! I’m going to regret this. Okay, right. First: general background. {he head butts him}.
Craig: You’re a—
The Doctor: Yes.
Craig: From—
The Doctor: Sh!
Craig: You’ve got a TAR—
The Doctor: Shh! Eleventh. Right, okay. Specific detail. {head butts him again}
Craig: You saw my ad in the papershop window.
The Doctor: Yes. With this right above it. Which is odd because Amy hasn’t written it yet. Time travel—it can happen.
Craig: That’s a scanner. You’ve used non-technological technology of [Lammasteen].
The Doctor: Shut up!!!
Hologram: You will help me.
The Doctor: Right. Stop. Crashed ship. Let’s see. Hello! I’m Captain Troy Handsome of International Rescue. Please state the nature of your emergency.
Hologram: The ship has crashed. The crew are dead. A pilot is required.
The Doctor: And you’re the emergency crash program. A hologram. What, you’ve been luring people up here so you can try them out?
Sophie: Seriously, what is going on?
The Doctor: Oh, for goodness sake. The top floor of Craig’s building is in reality an alien spaceship intent on slaughtering the population of this planet. Any questions. No. Good.
Sophie: Yes, I have questions!
Hologram: The correct pilot has now been found.
The Doctor: Yes, I was a bit worried you were going to say that.
Amy: He means you Doctor, doesn’t he?
The Doctor: Craig, you can shut down the engine. Put your hand on the panel and concentrate on why you want to stay.
Sophie: Craig, no!
Craig: Will it work?
The Doctor: Yes!
Craig: Are you sure?
The Doctor: Yes!
Craig: Is that a lie?
The Doctor: Of course it’s a lie!
Craig: It’s good enough for me. Geronimo!
The Doctor: Craig! Craig! What’s keeping you here? Think about everything that makes you want to stay here! Why don’t you want to leave?
Craig: Sophie! I don’t want to leave Sophie! I can’t leave Sophie! I love Sophie!
Sophie: I love you too, Craig, you idiot.
Craig: Honestly, do you mean that?
Sophie: Of course I mean it. Do you mean it?
Craig: I’ve always meant it. Seriously, though, you mean it?
Sophie: Yes.
Craig: Then what about the monkeys?
The Doctor: Oh not now, not again, Craig. The planet’s about to burn. For gods sake kiss the girl!
Craig: Oy!
Sophie: What? You’re trying to sneak off?
The Doctor: Yes. Well. You were sort of… busy.
Craig handing him the keys: I want you to keep these.
The Doctor: Thank you. ‘Cause I might pop back soon, have another little stay.
Craig: No you won’t. I’ve been in your head, remember? I still want you to keep them.
The Doctor: Thank you, Craig.
Craig: Thank you, Doctor.
The Pandorica Opens
France 1890
Vincent, can you hear me? Please!
Madame Vernet: Thought nothing of drinking
all around the town. Now the whole neighborhood has to listen to his screaming!
He’s very ill, Madame Vernet.
Madame Vernet: Look at this. shows him the latest painting Even worse than his usual rubbish. What’s it supposed to be?
Cabinet War Rooms, London 1941
Bracewell: It was found behind the wall in an attic in France. It’s genuine. It’s a van Gogh.
Churchill: Why bring it to me?
Bracewell: Because it’s obviously a message. And you can see who it’s for.
Churchill: Can’t say I understand it.
Bracewell: You’re not supposed to understand it, Prime Minister. You’re supposed to deliver it.
Stormcage Containment Facility 5145
Guard: Cell 46. The Doctor? You mean Dr. Song.
River Song: Give me that! Seriously, just give it to me. I’m entitled to phonecalls. Doctor?
Churchill: No. And neither are you. Where is he?
River Song: You’re phoning the Time Vortex. It doesn’t always work. But the TARDIS is smart. She’s rerouted the call. Talk quickly. This connection lasts less than a minute.
Guard: Dr. Song! Are you finished with that?
River Song: You’re new here, aren’t you.
Guard: First day.
River Song: Then I’m very sorry.
The Royal Collection 5145
Liz Ten: This is the royal collection. And I’m the bloody queen. What are you doing here?
River Song: It’s about the Doctor, mum.
You met him once, didn’t you? I know he came here.
Liz Ten: The Doctor?
River Song: He’s in trouble. I need to find him.
Liz Ten: Then why are you stealing a painting?
River Song: Look at it. I need to find the Doctor. And I need to show him this.
The Maldovarium 5145
Well now. Word on the Mount is you’re looking for time travel.
River: Are you selling?
A vortex manipulator. Fresh off the wrist of a handsome time agent. I said off the wrist. Not cheap, Dr. Song. Have you brought me a pretty toy?
River: This is a Calisto Pulse. It can disarm micro-explosives from up to twenty feet.
What kind of micro-explosives?
River: The kind I just put in your wine.
The very first words in recorded history:
Hello Sweetie.
Roman Commander: So. I return to my command after one week and discover we’ve been playing host to Cleopatra. Who’s in Egypt. And dead.
River: Yes. Funny how things work out.
Soldier: The Pandorica is ready.
The Doctor: What, do you mean it’s open?
Dalek: You have been scanned. Assessed. Understood. Doctor.
Sontaran: The Pandorica is ready!
The Doctor: Ready for what?
Dalek: Ready for you.
The Doctor: All you lot. Working together. An alliance. How is that possible?
Dalek: The cracks in the skin of the Universe.
Sontaran: All reality is threatened.
Cyberman: All universes will be deleted.
The Doctor: What? And you’ve come to me for help?
Sontaran: No! We will save the Universe. From you!
The Doctor: From me?
Cyberman: All projections correlate. All evidence concurs. The Doctor will destroy the Universe.
The Doctor: No. No. No, you’ve got it wrong.
Cyberman: The Pandorica was constructed to ensure the safety of the alliance.
Dalek: A scenario was devised from the memory of your companion.
Sontaran: A trap the Doctor could not resist.
Dalek: The cracks in time are the work of the Doctor. It is confirmed.
The Doctor: No, no no. Not me. The TARDIS and I’m not in the TARDIS, am I?
River: Only the Doctor can pilot the TARDIS.
The Doctor: Please! Listen to me!
Dalek: You will be prevented!
The Doctor: Total event collapse! Every sun will supernova, every moment in history. The whole universe will never have existed. Please! Listen to me!
Cyberman: Seal the Pandorica.
The Doctor: No, please listen to me! The TARDIS is exploding right now and I’m the only one who can stop it. Listen to me!
The Big Bang
1,894 years later…
Aunt Sharon: What do you see, Amelia?
Amelia: The moon.
Aunt Sharon: And what else?
Amelia: Just the dark.
Aunt Sharon: But no stars. If there were stars up there we’d be able to see them, wouldn’t we? Amelia, look at me. You know this is all just a story, don’t you? You know there’s no such thing as stars.
Aunt Sharon: I just don’t want her growing up and joining one of those star cults. I don’t trust that Richard Dawkins.
Amelia tipping over stuffed penguins: Sorry.
Amelia touches the Pandorica, which starts to glow and opens to reveal:
Amy: Okay, kid. This is where it gets complicated.
According to legend, wherever the Pandorica was taken, throughout its long history, the Centurion would be there guarding it. He appears as an iconic image in the artwork of many cultures. And there are several documented accounts of his appearances. And his warnings to the many who attempted to open the box before its time. His last recorded appearance was during the London Blitz in 1941. The warehouse where the Pandorica was stored was destroyed by incendiary bombs. But the box itself was found the next morning a safe distance from the blaze. There are eyewitness accounts from the night of the fire of a figure in Roman dress carrying the box from the flames. Since then, there have been no sightings of the lone Centurion. And many have speculated that if he ever existed, he perished in the fires of that night, performing one last act of devotion to the box he had pledged to protect for nearly two thousand years.
Amy: Rory. Oh Rory.
Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate!
Rory: What’s that?
The Doctor: Trouble! Oh. Ah! Two of you. Complicated.
Dalek: Weapon systems restoring.
Dalek: Systems restoring. You will be exterminated!
Rory: We’ve got to move. That thing’s coming back to life.
River: You go to the Doctor. I’ll be right with you.
Dalek: You will be exterminated!
River: Not yet. Your systems are still restoring which means your shield density is compromised. One alpha meson burst through your eyestalk would kill you stone dead.
Dalek: Records indicate you will show mercy. You are an associate of the Doctor’s.
River: I’m River Song. Check your records again.
Dalek: Mercy.
River: Say it again.
Dalek: Mercy!
River: One more time.
Dalek: Mercy!!!
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