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Asylum of the Daleks
First there were the Daleks. And then there was a man who fought them. And then in time he died. There are a few, of course, who believe this man somehow survived and that one day he will return. For both our sakes, dearest Hannah, we must hope these stories are true.
The Doctor: I got your message. Not many people can do that—send me messages.
Darla Von Karlsen (Anamaria Marinca): I have a daughter. Hannah. She’s in a Dalek prison camp. They say you can help.
The Doctor: Do they? I wish they’d stop. Hell of a chosen meeting place.
Darla: They said I’d have to intrigue you.
The Doctor: Skaro. The original planet of the Daleks. Look at the state of it. Who told you about me?
Darla: Does it matter?
The Doctor: Maybe not. But you’re very well-informed.
The Doctor: If Hannah’s in a Dalek prison camp, tell me, why aren’t you?
Darla: I escaped.
The Doctor laughing: No. Nobody escapes the Dalek camps. You’re very cold. {he feels her face}
Darla: What’s wrong?
The Doctor: It’s a trap.
Darla: What is?
The Doctor: You are. And you don’t even know it. {she partially transforms into a Dalek and shoots him}
Dalek: The Doctor is acquired!
Photoshoot PA (Zac Fox): Um, your husband is here.
Amy: I don’t have a husband.
Photoshoot PA: Ah, well apparently you still do.
Dalek: Amelia Pond is acquired!
Dalek: Rory Williams is acquired!
The Doctor: Well come on then. You’ve got me. What are you waiting for? At long last! It’s Christmas! Here I am! {he prepares to die}
Dalek: Save us. You will save us.
The Doctor: I’ll what?
Dalek: You will save the Daleks.
Dalek Parliament: Save the Daleks! Save the Daleks!
The Doctor: Well. This is new.
Oswin (Jenna-Louise Coleman): Day 363. The terror continues. Also, made another soufflé. Very nearly. Check defenses. They came again last night. Still always at night. Maybe they’re vampires. Oh! And it’s my mom’s birthday. Happy Birthday, mum. I did make you a soufflé but it was too beautiful to live.
Daleks outside the door: You will let us enter! We will enter!
We have arrived.
The Doctor: Arrived where?
Prime Minister of the Daleks: Doctor.
Darla: The Prime Minister will speak with you now.
Do you remember who you were before they emptied you out and turned you into their puppet?
Darla: My memories are only reactivated if they are required to facilitate deep cover or disguise.
You had a daughter.
Darla: I know. I’ve read my file.
The Doctor: Well?
Prime Minister: What do you know of the Dalek Asylum?
The Doctor: According to legend you have a dumping ground. A planet where you lock up all the Daleks that go wrong. The battle-scarred, the insane, the ones even you can’t control. Which never made any sense to me.
Prime Minister: Why not?
The Doctor: Because you’d just kill them.
Prime Minister: It is offensive to us to extinguish such divine hatred.
The Doctor: Offensive?
Prime Minister: Does it surprise you to know that Daleks have a concept of beauty?
The Doctor: I thought you’d run out of ways to make me sick. But hello again. You think hatred is beautiful?
Prime Minister: Perhaps that is why we have never been able to kill you.
Darla: The Asylum. It occupies the entire planet. Right to the core.
The Doctor: How many Daleks are down there?
Darla: A count has not been made. Millions certainly.
The Doctor: All still alive?
Darla: It has to be assumed. The Asylum is fully-automated. Supervision is not required.
Amy: Armed?
Darla: The Daleks are always armed.
Rory: What color? {they look confused} Sorry, there weren’t any good questions left.
Darla: The signal is being received from the very heart of the Asylum. {a song from Bizet’s Carmen is heard}
Oswin: Hello. Are you real? Are you actually properly real?
The Doctor: Yeah, confirmed. Actually properly real.
Oswin: Oswin Oswald. Junior Entertainment Manager, Starship Alaska. Current status: crashed and shipwrecked somewhere… not nice. Been here a year, rest of the crew missing. Provisions good, but keen to move on.
The Doctor: A year? Are you okay? Are you under attack?
Oswin: Some local lifeforms. Been keeping them out.
The Doctor: Do you know what those lifeforms are?
Oswin: I know a Dalek when I hear one, yeah.
The Doctor: What have you been doing on your own against the Daleks for a year?
Oswin: Making soufflés?
The Doctor: Soufflés. Against the Daleks. {he’s amused, then—} Where’d you get the milk?
Prime Minister: This conversation is irrelevant!
The Doctor: No it isn’t. Because a starliner’s crashed into your asylum and someone’s got in. And if someone can get in then everything can get out. A tsunami of insane Daleks! Even you don’t want that.
Prime Minister: The Asylum must be cleansed.
The Doctor: Then why is it still here? You’ve got enough fire power on this ship to blast it out of the sky.
Darla: The Asylum force field is impenetrable.
The Doctor: Turn it off.
Darla: It can only be turned off from within the Asylum.
The Doctor: A small taskforce could sneak through a force field Send in a couple of Daleks. {realizing} Oh. Ah, that’s good. That’s brilliant. You’re all too scared to go down there. Not one of you will go. So tell me, what do the Daleks do when they’re too scared?
Dalek: The predator of the Daleks will be deployed.
The Doctor: You don’t have a predator and even if you did, why would they turn off a force field for you?
Prime Minister: Because you will have no other means of escape.
Darla: May I clarify? The Predator is the Dalek’s word for you.
The Doctor: Me? Me!
Darla: You will need this. It will protect you from the nanocloud.
The Doctor: The what? The nanowhat?
Darla: The gravity beam will convey you close to the source of the transmission. You must find a way to deactivate the force field from there.
The Doctor: You’re going to fire me at a planet? That’s your plan? I get fired at a planet and expected to fix it?
Rory: In fairness that is slightly your M.O.
The Doctor: Don’t be fair to the Daleks when they’re firing me at a planet!
The Doctor: What do you want with them?
Dalek: It is known the Doctor requires companions.
Rory: Oh, brilliant. Good-o!
The Doctor: Don’t worry. We’ll get through this, I promise. Don’t be scared.
Amy: Scared? Who’s scared? Geronimo.
Oswin turning off Carmen: Sorry! Sorry! Pressed the wrong switch.
The Doctor: Soufflé Girl?
Oswin: You could always call me Oswin. Seeing as that’s my name. You okay?
The Doctor: How’re you doing in there, eh? {he taps the periscope} This is Dalek technology.
Oswin: Well it’s very easy to hack.
The Doctor: No it isn’t! Where are you?
Oswin: Ship broke up when it hit. I’m somewhere underground I think. You coming to get me?
Harvey (David Gyasi): We came down two days ago. There’s twelve other escape pods. I don’t know what happened to them.
Amy: Alaska. That’s the same ship as Soufflé Girl.
The Doctor: Yeah. Except she’s been here a year.
The Doctor about the Alaska crew: They’re dead. All of them.
Harvey: That’s not possible. I just spoke to them. Two hours ago we were doing engine repairs.
The Doctor: Sure about that, are you? ‘Cause I’d say they’ve all been dead for a very long time.
Harvey: But they can’t have been.
Amy: Well they didn’t get in this state in two hours.
Harvey: Of course. Stupid me.
Amy: Of course what?
Harvey: I died outside and the cold preserved my body. I forgot about dying. {he turns into a Dalek}
Oswin: Unauthorized personnel may not enter the cockpit.
The Doctor: Shut up.
Oswin: Oh! Mr. Grumpy. Bad combo. No sense of humor and that chin.
Amy: Is that her again, Soufflé Girl?
The Doctor: Yeah. She— Oy! What is wrong with my chin?
Oswin: Careful dear. You’ll put someone’s eye out.
The Doctor: How can you hack into everything? It should be impossible. You’re in a crashed ship!
Oswin: Long story. Is there a word for total screaming genius that sounds modest and a tiny bit sexy?
The Doctor: Doctor. You call me the Doctor.
Oswin: See what you did there.
Dalek: Ex- ex- ex- .
Rory: Eggs? You mean those things?
Dalek: Ex— !
Rory: I don’t… I don’t know what you want. Those things? Are those things eggs? {he picks one up} This? You want this?
Dalek: Ex…ter… min… ate!
Oswin: Run! The door at the end, . They’re waking up, they’re slow. The door at the end, just run. Now now now! {Rory makes a run for it} So. Anyway. I’m Oswin. What do I call you?
Rory: Ah, I can’t remember. Ah… Rory.
Oswin: Lovely name, Rory. First boy I ever fancied was called Rory.
Rory: Okay.
Oswin: Actually she was called Nina. I was going through a phase. Just flirting to keep you cheerful. {the Daleks can be heard in the distance}
Rory: Okay, anytime you want to start flirting again is fine by me.
Oswin: Hey there, Binky Boy.
Rory: If it’s a straight choice I prefer Nina.
Oswin: Loving this. The nose and the chin. You two could fence.
Oswin: Okay, you’re safe for now. Pop your shirt off, quick as you like.
Rory: Why?
Oswin: Does there have to be a reason?
The Doctor: Oswin, can you hear me?
Oswin: Hello, the Chin! I have a visual on you.
The Doctor: Why don’t I have a visual on you? Why can’t I ever see you?
Oswin: Limited power, bad hair—take your pick.
The Doctor: Identify me. Access your files. Who am I? Come on, who’s your daddy.
Dalek: You are the Predator.
The Doctor: Access your standing orders concerning the Predator.
Dalek: The Predator must be destroyed.
The Doctor: And how are you going to do that, Dalek? Without your gun you’re a tricycle with a roof. How are you going to destroy me.
Dalek: Self destruct initiated.
Amy: What’s it doing?
The Doctor: It’s going to blow its up. And I with it. Only weapon it’s got left.
Dalek: Self destruct cannot be countermanded!
The Doctor: I’m not looking for a countermand, dear. I’m looking for reverse.
Rory: Will sleeping help her? Will it slow down the process?
Oswin: Better hope so. Because pretty soon she’s going to try and kill you.
The Doctor: Amy! Still with us?
Rory: Amy, it’s me. Do you remember me? {she slaps him} She remembers me.
The Doctor: Same old Amy.
Oswin: Do you know how you make someone into a Dalek? Subtract love, add anger. Doesn’t she seem a bit too angry to you?
Amy: Well. Somebody’s never been to Scotland.
The Doctor: What about you though, Oswin? How come you’re okay? Why hasn’t the nanocloud converted you?
Oswin: I mentioned the genius thing, yeah? Shielded in here.
The Doctor: Clever of you. Now, this place. The Daleks said it was fully-automated. But look at it in here. It’s a wreck.
Oswin: Well I’ve had nearly a year to mess with them and… {looks around} not a lot else to do.
The Doctor: A junior entertainment manager hiding out in a wrecked ship, hacking the security systems of the most advanced warrior race the universe has ever seen. But you know what really gets me about you, Oswin. The soufflés.
Amy: The soufflés?
The Doctor: Where do you get the milk for the soufflés? Seriously, is no one else wondering about that?
Rory: No! Frankly, no. Twice.
Oswin: So. Doctor. I’ve been looking you up. You’re all over the database. Why do the Daleks call you “the Predator”.
The Doctor: I’m not a predator. I’m just a man with a plan.
Oswin: You’ve got a plan?
Rory: We’re all ears.
Amy: There’s a nose joke going if someone wants to pick that one off.
The Doctor: In no particular order, we ned to neutralize all the Daleks in this Asylum, rescue Oswin from the wreckage, escape from this planet, and fix Amy and Rory’s marriage.
Amy: Okay, I’m counting three lost causes. Anyone else?
The Doctor: Oswin, how soon can you drop the force field?
Oswin: I can do it from here. As soon as you come get me.
The Doctor: No, just drop the force field and come to us.
Oswin: There’s enough power in that teleport for one go. Why would you wait for me?
The Doctor: Why wouldn’t I?
Oswin: No idea. Never met you. Sending you a map so you can come get me.
Rory: This place is crawling with Daleks.
Oswin: Yeah. Kind of why I’m anxious to leave. Come up and see me sometime.
The Doctor: Oswin. I think I’m close.
Oswin: You are. Less than twenty feet away. Which is the good news.
The Doctor: Okay. And the bad, which I suddenly feel is coming.
Oswin: You’re about to pass through intensive care.
The Doctor: What’s so special about this lot then?
Oswin: Don’t know. Survivors of particular wars. Spiridon [Gamble]. [Iridius] Vulcan. Exxilon. Ringing any bells?
The Doctor: All of them.
Oswin: Yeah? How.
The Doctor: These are the Daleks who survived me.
Oswin: Tell me I’m cool, Chin Boy.
The Doctor: What did you do?
Oswin: Hang on, I think I found the door thingie.
The Doctor: No, tell me what you did.
Oswin: The Daleks, they have a hive mind. Well they don’t, but they have a sort of telepathic web.
The Doctor: The pathweb, yes.
Oswin: I hacked into it. Did a master delete on all the information connected with the Doctor.
The Doctor: But you made them forget me.
Oswin: Good, huh? And here comes the door.
The Doctor: I tried hacking into the pathweb. Even I couldn’t do it.
Oswin: Come meet the girl who can.
The Doctor: Oswin. We have a problem.
Oswin: No we don’t. Don’t even say that. Joined the Alaska to see the universe, ended up stuck in a ship-wreck first time out. Rescue me, Chin Boy, and show me the stars.
The Doctor: Does it look real to you?
Oswin: Does what look real?
The Doctor: Where you are right now. Does it seem real?
Oswin: It is real.
The Doctor: It’s a dream, Oswin. You dreamed it for yourself because the truth was too terrible.
Oswin: Where am I?
The Doctor: Because you are a Dalek.
Oswin: I am not a Dalek! I am not a Dalek! I’m human.
The Doctor: You were human when you crashed here. It was you who climbed out of the pod. That was your ladder.
Oswin: I’m human.
The Doctor: Not anymore. Because you’re right. You’re a genius. And the Daleks need genius. They didn’t just make you a puppet. They did a full conversion.
The Doctor: Oswin, I am so sorry. But you are a Dalek. The milk, Oswin. The milk and the eggs for the soufflé. Where—where—did it all come from?
Oswin: Eggs…
The Doctor: It wasn’t real. It was never real.
Oswin: Eggs… ter… min… ate. Exterminate…
Oswin: Why do they hate you so much? They hate you so much. Why?
The Doctor: I fought them many, many times.
Oswin: We have grown stronger in fear of you.
The Doctor: I know. I tried to stop.
Oswin: Then run.
The Doctor: What did you say?
Oswin: I’m taking down the force field The Daleks above have begun their attack. Run!
The Doctor: Oswin, are you—
Oswin: I am Oswin Oswald. I fought the Daleks and I am human. Remember me.
The Doctor: Thank you.
Oswin: Run! {to herself} Run, you clever boy. And remember.
Dalek: The Asylum is destroyed!
Dalek: Incoming teleport from Asylum planet. we are under attack!
Dalek: Prepare to defend! Defend!
Dalek: Explain, Dalek Supreme.
The Doctor: You know, you guys should really have seen this coming. The thing about me and teleports, I’ve got a really good aim. Pinpoint accurate, in fact. Or, to put it another way: suckers!
Dalek: Identify yourself!
Daleks: Identify!
The Doctor: Well it’s me. You know me. The Doctor. The Oncoming Storm. The Predator.
Darla: Titles are not meaningful in this context. Doctor who?
Dalek: Doctor who?
The Doctor: Oh, Oswin. Oh, you did it to them all. You beauty.
Dalek: Doctor who! Doctor who!
The Doctor: Fellas, you’re never gonna stop asking.
View all quotes from Asylum of the Daleks
Dinosaurs on a Spaceship
Egypt 1334 B.C.
The Doctor: Bye then. Lovely meeting you. Sorry about the mess!
Queen Nefertiti (Riann Steele): You think I’ll just let you leave without me, huh? After what we have just been through.
The Doctor: You’ve got the Egyptian people to rule, Queen Nefertiti. They’ll need reassuring after that weapon-bearing giant alien locust attack we just stopped rather brilliantly. {his pocket honks} Oh dear! Sorry. {pulls out the psychic paper} I’ve got it set to temporal news feed… oh, that’s interesting.
Nefertiti: What is?
The Doctor: Nothing. Nothing interesting. Not at— Oh hoo! Never been there, excited!
2367 A.D.
Indira (Sunetra Sarker): Craft size approximately ten million square kilometers.
The Doctor: A ship the size of Canada coming at Earth very fast. Any signs of life?
Indira: We sent up a drone craft, it took these readings.
The Doctor: Crikey, Charlie. Look at that! Oh, I know somebody who’d love a look at that. And the Ponds! Mustn’t forget the Ponds, Nefi. Haven’t seen them in ages. I’m riffing. People usually stop me when I’m riffing. Or carry on without me, that’s also an option.
Nefertiti: Can you communicate with this craft?
The Doctor: She’s with me. Good question, Nefi.
Indira: No. No response on any channel in any recognized language. If it comes within ten thousand kilometers of Earth, we send up missiles.
The Doctor: Oh, Indira. I liked you before you said missiles. How long ’til the ship gets that close?
Indira: Six hours, nineteen minutes.
The Doctor: Right. Better get a shift on then. Leave it with us. Come on then, Nefi. We’re gonna need help.
African Plains 1902 A.D.
The Doctor: More stew?
Riddell (Rupert Graves): Where have you been, man? Seven months! You said you were popping out for some licorice. I had two very disappointed dancers on my hands. Not that I couldn’t manage.
The Doctor: Riddell, listen. I found, well… something.
Riddell: No no no no no no. I shan’t fall for that again. {the Doctor just waits} What is it?
The Doctor: I have no idea. Do you want to find out?
Brian Williams (Mark Williams): I think it’s the fitting.
Rory: Dad, it’s not the fitting. It just needs a new bulb.
Brian: You’re wobbling the ladder.
Rory: I’m not.
Brian: I don’t want another loft incident.
Amy: How’s my side, Brian?
Brian: Perfect as ever, Amy.
Amy: Thank you, Brian.
Brian: I don’t know what he said to you to make you marry him, but he’s a lucky man.
They hear the TARDIS.
Rory: Oh no. Not here, not now.
Brian: You leave the back door open?
Rory: What is he doing?
Amy: I’m going to kill him.
Brian: I’m not entirely sure what’s going on.
Rory: You know when Amy and I first got married and we went travelling?
Brian: To Thailand.
Rory: More the entirety of space and time. In that police box.
Riddell: I can take one of them. Short blow up into the throat.
The Doctor: Hold on. We just found dinosaurs. In space. We need to preserve them.
Riddell: Who’s gonna preserve us?
Rory: Okay. So. How? And whose ship?
The Doctor: Well there’s so much to discover. Think how much wiser we’ll be by the end of all this.
Brian: Sorry. Sorry. Are you saying dinosaurs are flying a spaceship?
The Doctor: Brian. Please. That would be ridiculous. They’re probably just passengers. Did I mention missiles?
Brian: Missiles!
The Doctor: Didn’t want to worry you. Anyway, six hours is a lifetime. Not literally a lifetime. That’s what we’re trying to avoid. And we’re really clever. Oo! Let’s see what we can find out.
Brian: We’re outside we’re on a beach.
The Doctor: Teleports! Oh, I hate teleports! Must have activated on my voice.
Brian: Ah. Yes. Well. Thank you, Arthur C. Clarke. Teleport. Obviously. I mean, we’re on a spaceship with dinosaurs. Why wouldn’t there be a teleport. In fact, why don’t we just teleport now! {he stomps off}
Brian: Somebody tell me where we are. Now.
The Doctor checking with his tongue: Well it’s on Earth. Doesn’t taste right. Too metallic.
Brian: Is that a kestrel?
The Doctor: I do hope so.
The Doctor: Well don’t just stand there, you two. Dig! I’m going to look at rocks. Love a rock.
Rory: Dig?! With what?
Brian: Ah. Well. {pulls out a trowel}
Rory: Did you just have that on you?
Brian: Of course. What sort of a man doesn’t carry a trowel? Put it on your Christmas list.
Rory: Dad, I’m thirty-one. I don’t have a Christmas list anymore.
The Doctor in the distance: I do!
Voice: Did you hear that? Did you hear what he called him? “Doctor.” After all this time. Bring them to me.
Amy: Hey, put that away! I need you sober.
Riddell: It’s medicinal. And I don’t take orders from females.
Nefertiti: Then learn. Any man that speaks to me that way I execute.
Riddell: You’re very welcome to try.
Amy: Sorry, what was your name again?
Nefertiti: Lady of the Two Lands. Wife of the Great King Amenhotep. Queen Nefertiti of Egypt.
Riddell: I’ll be damned!
Amy: Oh my god. Queen Nefertiti? I learned all about you at school. You’re awesome. Big fan. High five. {she stares at her} Yeah, a bit behind on that. You’re really famous.
Amy: Okay. A guess. T. Rex? Not yet full size. We’re in the middle of a dinosaur nest.
Riddell: I propose a retreat. {they hear a loud roar from that direction} Perhaps forwards.
Amy: Agreed. Just don’t wake the baby.
Amy: Who are you anyway?
Riddell: John Riddell. Big game hunter in the African Plains. Sure you’ve heard of me too.
Amy: No.
Riddell: Well you clearly have some alarming gaps in your education.
Amy: Or men who hunt defenseless creatures just don’t impact on history. Face it, she’s way cooler than you.
Nefertiti: And you, Amy. Are you also a queen?
Amy: Yes. Yes I am.
The Doctor: See! Metal floors! Screens in rocks. It was just a short range teleport. We’re still in the ship.
Brian: No. We’re outside on a beach.
Rory: No, it’s part of the ship, Dad.
Brian: Don’t be ridiculous.
The Doctor: Well it is quite ridiculous. Also brilliant. That’s why the system teleported us here. I wanted the engines. This is the engine room! Hydro-generators!
Brian: I have literally no idea what he’s saying.
Rory: A spaceship powered by waves.
The Doctor: Fabulously impossible. Oh, think of the things we could learn from this ship if we manage to stop it being blown to pieces.
Rory: Plus not dying.
Rory: What do we do now? There’s no way back out there.
The Doctor: Through the cave. Come on. {he hears big footsteps} That suggestion was a work in progress.
Brian: We’re trapped.
The Doctor: Yes. Thanks for spelling it out.
Rory: Doctor, whatever’s down there is coming this way.
The Doctor: Spelling it out is hereditary. Wonderful.
Brian: That sound’s getting nearer.
Robot 1: We’re very cross with you!
Amy: Bit of weed killer wouldn’t go amiss in here.
Riddell: Whoever was running this vessel left in a hurry.
Nefertiti: Maybe a plague came and took them.
Riddell: Nah, there’d be corpses and bones.
Nefertiti: Unless the animals ate them.
Amy: Woah Chuckle Brothers. Lighten up, would ya?
Nefertiti: How’d you know how to do that?
Amy: Well I’ve spent enough time with the Doctor to know whenever you enter somewhere new, press buttons.
Nefertiti: What else have you learned from him?
Amy: Don’t stop at button-pressing.
Voice: One hundred and seventeen years…
Amy: Data records.
Riddell: Ship’s owners?
Amy: Could be.
Bleytal (Richard Hope): …our people remain in cryogenic. Whilst they sleep, I will continue to work, being careful to try on a regular basis…
Amy: How ’bout a picture, hm? Come on. For me? {she hits the side}
Nefertiti: Look! It’s beautiful.
I can’t tell how far we have come. Far enough to avoid the destructive impact forecast for our planet. Far enough for me to feel a profound sense of loss.
Riddell: What is that?
Amy: Silurian.
Robot 1: You’re going straight on the naughty step!
Brian: What’s the escape plan?
The Doctor: Why do we want to escape?
Brian: They have us hostage.
Rory: They’re taking us somewhere. We might learn from it.
The Doctor: Ah… you see, so clever! I’ve missed you, Rory. {he tugs his ear}
Rory: Don’t do that.
Brian: What if they kill us?
The Doctor: They wouldn’t do that! {he turns to the robots} You’re not gonna kill us, are you Rusty?
Robot 2: Who are you calling Rusty?
The Doctor: Have you seen yourselves lately?
Robot 2: You try being on this ship for two millennia, see how your paintwork does!
Robot 1: Don’t listen to him. He’s just being mean ’cause we captured him.
The Doctor: Rawr yourself! Hello, cutie pie. Who’s a lovely tricey then, eh? {he pets its head} Yes you are. Yes you are!
Brian: What do I do? What do I do? What’s it doing?
The Doctor: You don’t have any vegetable matter in your trousers, do you, Brian?
Brian: Only my balls.
The Doctor: I’m sorry?
Brian: Golf balls. Grassy residue.
Rory: What are you carrying those around for?
{The triceratops licks Brian’s face}
The Doctor: Oh, bless.
Brian: Get it away from me.
The Doctor: Throw one.
Brian: Really? {to the animal} Is this what you want? Is it? {the triceratops runs after it}
The Doctor: And breathe out.
Bleytal: Over fifty species loaded. Only one has had any difficulty surviving. All the others are thriving and we expect them to be able to repopulate.
Amy: We’re on an ark. A Silurian ark.
Riddell: Lizard people herding dinosaurs onto a space ark? Absolute tommyrot.
Nefertiti: Only an idiot denies the evidence of their own eyes.
Riddell: Egyptian queen or not, I shall put you across my knee and spank you!
Amy: Oh lord.
Nefertiti: Try! And I’ll snap your neck in a heartbeat.
Riddell: Hm. Well they certainly bred firecrackers in your time.
Amy: Oh, no no no. Please, please don’t start flirting. I will not have flirting companions.
Nefertiti: If the Doctor trusts Amy so will I. Stop doubting her.
Riddell: If this ship was built by—
Amy: Silurians, yeah?
Riddell: Yeah. Where are they?
Amy: Surprisingly good question. {to the computer} Display life signs for homo reptilia. {“No life signals detected”} But where have they gone?
Nefertiti: Perhaps they found another world, left the ship.
Amy: Well why are the dinosaurs still on board? And why is the ship coming back to Earth? It doesn’t make sense. What’s changed between then and now? Wait. Computer, show me the ship at launch with all life signals. Now show me the ship today with all life signals. Thousands less. But why? I mean… Show me both images, then and now. Side-by-side.
Riddell: What are you looking for?
Amy: Okay, two images. Spot the difference. What changed? What happened to the Silurians?
Nefertiti: The center.
Amy: Computer, zoom into the center. Oh no.
Riddell: What is it?
Amy: Another space craft. This ship’s been boarded before.
The Doctor: Love what you’ve done with the place down here.
Solomon: Let him in. Open the gate.
The Doctor: Fantasia in F minor for four hands.
Solomon (David Bradley): You know it.
The Doctor: Know it? Say hello to hands three and four. Schubert kept tickling me to try and put me off. “Franz the Hands.” Oh that takes me back. Well. This is… cozy.
Solomon: It’s fate you came.
The Doctor: Is it? I’m the Doctor.
Solomon: Yes, I know. I’m Solomon.
The Doctor: What’s that?
Solomon: System malfunction. Ignore it.
The Doctor: What happened to you?
Solomon: I was attacked. Three raptors. They cornered me. The robots rescued me but it was nearly too late.
The Doctor: Ah yes. The robots. They’re… unusual.
Solomon: I got them cheap. From a concession on Aluria 7. The robots did as best they could with my legs but… you can help me so much more.
The Doctor: Oh. A doctor doctor. I see. Let’s have a look.
Solomon: They chewed through a part of the bone in my legs.
The Doctor: Yes. Very nasty.
Solomon: But you can repair them.
The Doctor: If you tell me how you came by so many dinosaurs.
Solomon to the robots: Injure the older one.
The Doctor: What?
{Brian is shot by one of the robots}
Rory: It’s alright, Dad. It’s okay. It’s okay.
The Doctor: I don’t respond well to violence, Solomon.
Solomon: And I don’t like questions, Doctor. You boarded without my permission. Now, fix me or the next bolt will be fatal.
Rory: I will take you apart cog by cog and melt you down when all this is over.
Robot 2: Oh, I’m so scared! Actually I might be. A little bit of oil just came out.
Brian: What’s that?
Rory: Well you carry a trowel, I carry a med-pack. It’s all about the pockets in our family. This is an ice patch. It cools the skin.
Brian: Never seen one of those.
Rory: Yeah, I look out for cool stuff wherever we go. Some people it’s cars and hardware. For me, it is nursing supplies. Painkiller. Now this won’t hurt. {he jabs him}
Brian: Ow!
Rory: I lied. It won’t hurt from now on though.
Solomon: How did you get on board, Doctor?
The Doctor: Oh, I never talk about myself with a gun pointed at me. Let’s talk about you. Your cozy little craft embedded in a vast old ship.
Solomon: You’re very observant.
The Doctor: I’m a Sagittarius. Probably.
Solomon: I’m transporting it to the Roxbourne Peninsula.
The Doctor: Commerce colony? You’re a trader.
Solomon: I search out opportunities for profit across the nine galaxies.
The Doctor: Ah, the purple light. That’s what it was. An IV system, identifying value. The database of everything across space and time, allocated a market value. Argos for the Universe. You were trying to find out how much I’m worth.
Solomon: Would you like to know? {they wait until: no identification found} You don’t exist. It’s never done that.
The Doctor: That’s me. Worthless. Unlike these creatures you have on board. Very valuable. Given they’re extinct.
Solomon: The pain in my legs is gone. I can move them. Thank you, Doctor.
The Doctor: What did you do to the Silurians?
Solomon: We ejected them. The robots woke them from cryo-sleep a handful at a time and jettisoned them from the airlocks. We must have left a trail of dust and bone.
The Doctor: Because you wanted the dinosaurs.
Solomon: Their ship crossed my path. I sent out a distress signal, they let me board. But when I saw the cargo, things became more complex.
The Doctor: Piracy then genocide.
Solomon: Very emotive words, Doctor.
The Doctor: Oh, I’m a very emotive man.
Solomon: The lizards wouldn’t negotiate. I made them a generous offer.
The Doctor: The creatures on board this ship are not objects to be sold or traded.
Solomon: I feel like you’re judging me.
The Doctor: You said Roxbourne Peninsula, so why are you heading to Earth? You’re on the wrong course. {realizing} Oh. You don’t know how. Ha. Brilliant. You couldn’t changed the preprogrammed course. Without instructions the ship defaulted, returned home. Oh dear. The Silurians outwitted you even after you’d massacred them, so now you’re a prisoner on the ship you hijacked.
Solomon: Not now you’re here. You’re going to help me to wherever I want to go, Doctor.
The Doctor: Little bit of news, Solomon. You’re being targeted by missiles. Get off this ship. While you still can.
Solomon: You think I believe that? You just want them for yourself. You won’t profit from me, Doctor.
The Doctor: Don’t ever judge me by your standards.
The Doctor: Go Tricey! Run like the wind! {nothing} How do you start a triceratops?
Brian: Tricey, fetch!
Robot 2: They’ve stolen a dinosaur!
Robot 1: I can see that.
Brian: I’m riding a dinosaur. In a spaceship!
Rory: I know!
Brian: I only came by to fix your light.
Indira: Doctor, the ship’s coming through the atmosphere. I have to start the missile program.
The Doctor: No. No no no. Don’t do that! Everything’s completely under control here. Turning around any moment. Need a bit of wiggle room on the timings.
Indira: I can’t do that.
The Doctor: You can. Of course you can. Tiny bit more time. Indira, please, this ship contains the most precious cargo.
Indira: My only responsibility is the Earth’s safety. I’m launching the missiles. Goodbye, Doctor.
Nefertiti: You and the Doctor, are you his queen?
Amy: No no. I’m Rory’s queen. Wife. Wife. I’m his wife. Please don’t him I said I was his queen. I’ll never hear the end of it.
Nefertiti: And the Doctor, does he have a queen?
Amy: I thought you had a husband.
Nefertiti: A male equivalent of a sleeping potion.
Riddell: You clearly need a man of action and excitement. One with a very large weapon.
Amy: So human sleeping potion or walking innuendo. Take your pick.
Rory: So what? We’re just giving up?
The Doctor: I don’t know. I don’t know.
Solomon: You were telling the truth, Doctor. Earth has launched missiles. This vessel is too clumsy to outrun them but I have my own ship.
The Doctor: You won’t get your precious cargo on board though. It’ll just be you and your metal tantrum machines.
Solomon: You’re right, Doctor. I can’t keep the dinosaurs and live myself. But I had the IV system scan the entire ship. And it found something more valuable. Utterly unique. I don’t know where you found it or how you got it here, but I want it.
The Doctor: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Solomon: Earth Queen Nefertiti of Egypt. The face stamped across history. Give her to me, and I’ll let the rest of you live.
The Doctor: No.
Solomon: You think I won’t punish those who get in my way, whatever they’re worth?
The Doctor: You must be very proud.
Solomon: Bring her to me or the robots will make their way through your corpses. Bring her now!
The Doctor: No.
The Doctor: What are you doing?
Nefertiti: I demanded to be brought here.
The Doctor: No. No no no no. No way.
Nefertiti: It isn’t your choice, Doctor. It’s mine.
The Doctor: Listen to me, if you go with him I can’t guarantee your safety.
Nefertiti: You saved my people, I am in your debt.
The Doctor: No. No debts. You don’t owe me anything.
Nefertiti: Then I do it of my own will.
The Doctor trying to stop her: Nefi! Nefi! Nefi!
Riddell: No! Take her, I shoot you.
Nefertiti: Put your weapon down. Let me make my choice.
Solomon: Do it, boy.
Solomon: My bounty increases. And what an extraordinary bounty you are.
Nefertiti: Never touch me.
Solomon: I like my possessions to have spirit. It means I can have fun breaking them. And I will break you in with immense pleasure. Thank you, Doctor.
Riddell: Those teeth. That’s really not fair.
Brian: Me and Rory, we must be the same gene thingy you just said.
The Doctor: Brian Pond, you are delicious.
Brian: I’m not a Pond.
The Doctor: Of course you are.
Riddell: Doctor, this is a two man job. {Amy grabs a gun} What are you doing?
Amy: I’m easily worth two men. You can help too, if you like.
Riddell: You know what I want more than anything?
Amy: Lessons in gender politics?
Riddell: A dinosaur tooth to take home. Dinosaurs ahead. A lady at my side. About to be blown up. I’m not sure I’ve ever been happier.
Amy: Shut up and shoot.
Brian: I’m flying a spaceship. Rory?
Rory: Hm.
Brian: We’re flying a spaceship!
Rory: I know.
Solomon: What are you doing?
The Doctor: Disabling this ship’s signal and replacing it with the one from the Silurian ship. I send this craft off emitting the signal they’re looking for, the missiles will follow. Hopefully Silurian ship safe, dinosaurs safe, everybody safe. Bit tight for time though. Shouldn’t really be chatting. Nefi, let’s go.
Solomon: Whatever you want I can get it for you. Whatever object you desire.
The Doctor: Did the Silurians beg you to stop? Look Solomon. The missiles. See them shine, see how valuable they are? And they’re all yours.
Solomon: You wouldn’t leave me, Doctor.
The Doctor: Enjoy your bounty.
Solomon: Doctor!
View all quotes from Dinosaurs on a Spaceship
A Town Called Mercy
When I was a child, my favorite story was about a man who lived forever, but whose eyes were heavy with the weight of all he had seen. A man who fell from the stars.
Kahler-Mas (Dominic Kemp): I knew you’d find me eventually.
The Gunslinger (Andrew Brooke): Make peace with your gods.
Kahler-Mas: Once they were your gods too.
The Gunslinger: Not anymore.
Kahler-Mas: Am I the last one?
The Gunslinger: There’s one more. The Doctor.
Sadie (Joanne McQuinn): Whatcha doin’ here, son?
The Doctor: “Son”? Ha! You can stay.
The Preacher (Byrd Wilkins): Sir, might I inquire who you is?
Of course, I’m the Doctor. This is— {everyone stands} No need to stand. {to Rory and Amy} You see that? Manners. {the undertaker starts measuring him} Oh! Thank you. But I don’t need a new suit.
Undertaker: I’m the undertaker, sir.
The Preacher: He’s coming. Oh god, he’s coming!
Abraham: Preacher, say something.
The Preacher: Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done.
Isaac (Ben Browder) firing a shot: You! Bow tie! Get back across that line. Now.
Abraham: Isaac. He said he was a doctor. An alien doctor.
Isaac: No reason to hand him to his death.
Abraham: But Isaac, it could be him!
Isaac: You know it ain’t. {walking off} Ma’am.
The Doctor: What was that outside?
Isaac: The Gunslinger. Showed up three weeks back. We’ve been prisoners ever since. See that borderline stretchin’ ’round the town? Woke up one morning, there it was. Nothing gets past it in or out. No supply wagons, no reinforcements. Pretty soon the whole town’s gonna starve to death.
Rory: But, you let us in.
Isaac: You ain’t carryin’ any food. Just more mouths to feed. We’ll all die even sooner now.
The Doctor: What happens if someone crosses the line? {Isaac tosses him a hat} Ah. Well. He wasn’t a very good shot then.
Isaac: He was aiming for the hat.
The Doctor: He shoots people’s hats?
Amy: I think it was a warning shot.
The Doctor: Ah. No. Yes. I see. Hm.
Amy: What does he want? Has he issued some kind of demand?
Isaac: Says he wants us to give him the alien doctor.
Amy: But that’s you? Why would he want to kill you? Unless he’s met you.
Rory: And how could he know we’d be here? {whispering} We didn’t even know we’d be here.
Amy: We were aiming for Mexico. The Doctor was taking us to see the Day of the Dead Festival.
Isaac: Mexico’s two hundred miles due south.
Well that’s what happens when people get toast crumbs on the console!
The Doctor: Anyway, I think it’s about time I met him, don’t you?
Isaac: Who?
The Doctor: The chap outside said I could be the alien doctor, but you said I wasn’t. So you already know who it is. Two alien doctors! We’re like buses. Resident 81, I presume. So beloved by the townsfolk he warranted an alteration to the sign. Probably because he rigged up these electrics. And I’m guessing he’s in here, because if half the town suddenly wanted to throw me to my death, this is where I’d want to be.
Isaac: I don’t know what you—
Kahler-Jex (Adrian Scarborough): It’s alright, Isaac. I think the time for subterfuge has passed. Good afternoon. My name is Kahler-Jex. I’m the doctor.
The Doctor: So why does the Gunslinger want you?
Isaac: It don’t matter.
The Doctor: I’m just saying, if we knew that—
Isaac: America’s the land of second chances. We called this town Mercy for a reason. Although there’s some around here don’t feel that way.
Isaac: War only ended five years back. That old violence is still under the surface. We give up Doc Jex, then we’re handing the keys to the town over to chaos.
Isaac: Son, you still gotta get past The Gunslinger. How you gonna do that?
The Doctor: With a little sleight-of-hand.
The Doctor: Can I borrow your horse please? It’s official marshall business.
The Preacher: He’s called Joshua. It’s from the Bible. It means “the Deliverer.”
The Doctor: No he isn’t.
The Preacher: What?
The Doctor: I speak horse. He’s called Susan. And he wants you to respect his life choices.
Amy: When this is all done, do you want us to take us home?
Kahler-Jex: Thank you, but I’ve already given everything I have to the Kahler. My skills, my energy. All that was good in me. And here, I could start afresh. I could remember myself and help people. That’s all I ever wanted to do. End suffering.
Kahler-Jex: You’re a mother, aren’t you?
Amy: How did you know?
Kahler-Jex: There’s kindness in your eyes. And sadness. But a ferocity too.
Amy: Well mine wasn’t exactly straightforward.
Kahler-Jex: It seldom is.
Amy: And what about you? Are you a father?
Kahler-Jex: Yes. In a way I suppose I am.
Isaac: We wait here until the Doctor comes to pick us up in your ship.
Rory: Yes. I know. I was there when we agreed it.
Isaac: Yeah. I said that more for my benefit than yours.
Kahler-Jex: That’s the alarm on my ship.
Amy: Maybe the Doctor wants to get it working again.
Kahler-Jex: But that wasn’t the plan. He’s not following the plan.
Amy: Welcome to my world.
Abaraxas Security: Security Breach. You have ten seconds to enter the passcode or this vehicle will self destruct. Thank you for choosing Abaraxas security software. Incinerating intruders for three centuries.
The Doctor: I know who you are. And who Jex is too. Now, what I don’t understand is why you haven’t just walked into town and killed him.
The Gunslinger: People will get in the way.
The Doctor: Look, you want justice, you deserve justice. But this isn’t the way. We can put him on trial, we can—
The Gunslinger: When he starts killing your people, you can use your justice.
The Gunslinger: No more warning shots. I’ll kill the next person to step over that line. Make sure it’s Jex.
Kahler-Jex: It was stupid of me. I realize that now. I just thought I’d put you all in enough danger. Perhaps if I left.
The Doctor: He’s lying. Every word. Everything he says. It’s all lies. This man is a murderer.
Kahler-Jex: I am a scientist!
The Doctor: Sit down. Sit down! Tell them what you are.
Kahler-Jex: What am I? A war hero.
Isaac: Okay, somebody want to tell me what is going on?
The Doctor: The Gunslinger is a cyborg.
Isaac: A what?
The Doctor: Half-man, half-machine. A weapon. Jex built it. He and his team took volunteers, told them they’d been selected for special training, then experimented on them. Fused their bodies with weaponry and programmed them to kill.
Isaac: Okay. Why? Why would you do that, Doc?
Kahler-Jex: We’d been at war for nine years. A war that had already decimated half of our planet. Our task was to bring peace. And we did. We built an army that routed the enemy and ended the war in less than a week. Do you want me to repent? To beg forgiveness for saving millions of lives?
The Doctor: And how many died screaming on the operating table before you had found your advantage!
Kahler-Jex: War is another world. You cannot apply the politics of peace to what I did. To what any of us did.
Rory: But what happened then? How come you’re here?
Kahler-Jex: When the war ended we had the cyborgs decommissioned. One of them must have got its circuitry damaged in battle. It went offline and began hunting down the team that created it until just two of us were left. We fled. And our ships crashed here.
Rory: So. What do we do with Jex?
Isaac: What do we do with him?
Rory: Yeah. I mean he’s a war criminal.
Isaac: No, he’s the guy that saved the town from cholera. The guy that gave us heat and light.
Amy: Look, Jex may be a criminal, and yeah, kinda creepy—
Kahler-Jex: And still in the room.
Amy: —but I think we should put aside what he did and find another solution.
Another solution? It’s him or us.
Amy: When did we start letting people get executed? Did I miss a memo?
Kahler-Jex: Looking at you, Doctor, is like looking into a mirror almost. There’s rage there, like me. Guilt there, like me. Solitude. Everything but the nerve to do what needs to be done. Thank the gods my people weren’t relying on you to save them!
The Doctor: No! No! But these people are! Out! Out!
Kahler-Jex: You wouldn’t.
The Doctor: I genuinely don’t know.
Isaac: Everyone who isn’t an American, drop your gun.
Isaac: Listen to me, you gotta stay. You gotta look after everyone.
The Doctor: It won’t come to that, Isaac.
Isaac: Protect Jex. Protect my town. You’re both good men. You just forget it sometimes.
The Doctor: This has gone on long enough.
The Gunslinger: You are right. You’ve got until noon tomorrow. Give him to me. Or I’ll kill you all.
Preacher: Marshall. Ma’am… Fellah.
The Doctor: What’s going on?
Abraham: He in there? Leave the keys and take a walk. Time you get back, this’ll be all done.
The Doctor: I promised Isaac I’d protect him.
Abraham: Protecting him got Isaac dead. Tomorrow it’s gonna get us all dead.
The Doctor: Please don’t do this.
Abraham: Why? Reckon you’re quicker than me?
The Doctor: Almost certainly not. But this? Lynch mobs. A town turning against itself. This is everything Isaac didn’t want.
The Doctor: Don’t you see? Violence doesn’t end violence. It extends it. And I don’t think you want to do this. I don’t think you want to become that man.
Abraham: There’s kids here.
The Doctor: I know. Who I can save if you’ll let me.
Abraham: He really worth the risk?
The Doctor: Don’t know. But you are.
Kahler-Jex: Let me guess. The good folk of Mercy wanted me to take a little stroll into the desert. You could turn a blind eye. No one would blame you. You’d be a hero.
The Doctor: But I can’t, can I? Because then Isaac’s death would mean nothing. Just another casualty in your endless bloody war. Do you want me to hand you over? Is that what you want? Do you even know?
Kahler-Jex: You think I’m unaffected by what I did? That I don’t hear them screaming every time I close my eyes.
Kahler-Jex: It would be so much simpler if I was just one thing, wouldn’t it? The mad scientist who made that killing machine. Or the physician. Who’s dedicated his life to serving this town. The fact that I’m both bewilders you.
The Doctor: Oh, I know exactly what you are. And I see this reformation for what it really is. You committed an atrocity and choose this for your punishment. Don’t get me wrong—good choice. Civilized hours, lots of adulation, nice weather. But—but! Justice doesn’t work like that. You don’t get to decide when and how your debt is paid!
Kahler-Jex: In my culture, we believe that when you die your spirit has to climb a mountain, carrying the souls of everyone you wronged in your lifetime. Imagine the weight I will have to lift. The monsters I created, the people they killed. Isaac. He was my friend. Now his soul will be in my arms too. Can you see now why I fear death? You want to hand me over, there’s no shame in that. But you won’t we all carry our prisons with us. Mine is my past. Yours is your morality.
The Gunslinger: Where is he?
The Doctor: He’s gone.
The Gunslinger: Where?! Answer me!
The Doctor: Away from here. Look up. Any second now you’ll see the vapor trail of his ship. This is their home! Not the backdrop for your revenge.
Kahler-Jex: Where are you from? Where on Kahler?
The Doctor: Now? You’re asking him this now!?
The Gunslinger: Gabrion.
Kahler-Jex: I know it. It’s beautiful there. When this is over, will you go back?
The Gunslinger: How can I? I’m a monster now!
Kahler-Jex: So am I.
The Doctor: Just go! Finish this!
The Gunslinger: I will find you. If I have to tear this universe apart, I will find you.
Kahler-Jex: I don’t doubt that. You’ll chase me to another planet. And another race will be caught in the crossfire.
The Gunslinger: Then face me!
The Gunslinger: Face me!
Kahler-Jex: No. You’ve killed enough. I’m ending the war for you too.
Kahler-Jex: Thank you Doctor. I have to face the souls of those I’ve wronged. Perhaps they will be kind.
The Gunslinger: He behaved with honor at the end. Maybe more than me.
The Doctor: We could take you back to your world. You could help with the reconstruction.
The Gunslinger: I will walk into the desert and self-destruct. I’m a creature of war. I have no role to play during peace.
The Doctor: Except maybe to protect it.
By the time the Gunslinger arrived, the people of Mercy were used to the strange and impossible. Where he came from didn’t matter. As a man once said, “America is a land of second chances.” Do I believe the story? I don’t know. My great grandmother must have been a little girl when he arrived. But next time you’re in Mercy, ask someone why they don’t have a marshall or sheriff, or policeman there. “We got our own arrangement” they’ll say. Then they’ll smile like they got a secret. Like they got their own angel watching out for them Their very own angel who fell from the stars.
View all quotes from A Town Called Mercy
The Power of Three
Rory: Dad. It’s half past six in the morning.
Brian Williams (Mark Williams): What are you doing lying around? Haven’t you seen them?!
Rory: What are they?
Brian: Nobody knows. But they’re everywhere.
Amy: Well where did they come from? Wait. Doctor?
The Doctor inspecting a cube: Invasion of the Very Small Cubes. That’s new.
Professor Brian Cox: Well they’re certainly not random space debris. They’re too perfectly formed for that. Are they extraterrestrial in origin? Well, you’ll have to ask a better man than me.
The Doctor: All absolutely identical. Not a single molecule’s difference between them. No blemishes, imperfections, individualities.
Brian: What if they’re bombs? Billions of tiny bombs? Or transport capsules maybe, with a mini-robot inside. Or deadly hard drives! Or alien eggs? Or messages needing decoding. Or. They’re all parts of a bigger whole. Jigsaw puzzles that need fitting together.
The Doctor: Very thorough, Brian. Very very thorough. Well done. Stay here, watch these. Yell if anything happens.
Kate Stewart (Jemma Redgrave): All these muscles and they still don’t know how to knock. Sorry about the raucous entrance. Spike in Artron energy reading at this address. In the light of the last twenty-four hours we had to check it out and, ah, the dogs do love a run out. Hello. Kate Stewart, head of scientific research at UNIT. And with dress sense like that—{checks for two hearts}—you must be the Doctor. I hoped it’d be you.
The Doctor: Tell me, since when did science run the military, Kate?
Kate: Since me. UNIT’s been adapting. Well I dragged them along, kicking and screaming. Which, which made it sound like more fun than if actually was.
The Doctor: What do we know about these cubes?
Kate: Far less than we need to. We’ve been crating them in from around the world for testing. So far, we’ve subjected them to temperatures of plus and minus two hundred celsius, simulated a water depth of five miles, dropped one out of a helicopter at ten thousand feet, and rolled our best tank over it. Always intact.
The Doctor: That’s impressive. I don’t want them to be impressive. I want them vulnerable with a nice Achilles Heel.
Kate: We don’t know how they got here, what they’re made of or why they’re here.
The Doctor: And all around the world people are picking them up and taking them home.
Kate: Like iPads have dropped out of the sky. Taking them to work, taking pictures, making films. Posting them on Flickr and YouTube. Within three hours the cube has had a thousand separate Twitter accounts.
The Doctor disdainfully: Twitter.
Kate: I recommend that we treat this as a hostile incursion. Gather them all up and lock them in a secure facility. But that would take massive international agreement and cooperation.
The Doctor: We need evidence. The cubes arrived in plain sight, in vast quantities, as the sun rose. So, what does that tell us?
Amy: Maybe they wanted to be seen, noticed.
The Doctor: Well more than that, they want to be observed. So we observe them. Stay with them, ’round the clock. Watch the cubes day and night. Record absolutely everything about them. Team Cube, in it together!
The Doctor: Brian. You’re still here.
Brian: You told me to watch the cubes.
The Doctor: Four days ago.
Brian: Doesn’t time fly when you’re alone with your thoughts.
Rory: You can’t just leave, Doctor.
The Doctor: Yes, of course I can. Quick jaunt, restore sanity. Oo! Hey. Come if you like.
Brian: They can’t just go off like that.
The Doctor: Can’t they? Can’t you? That’s how it goes, isn’t it?
Brian: Brian’s log. Day sixty-seven.
Rory: You, ah, you can’t call it that. Brian’s log?
Brian: Brian’s log. Day sixty-seven. Cube was quiet all night. Once again. Cube was quiet all day. As per previously. No movement. No change in measurements. End of entry.
Rory: You stay up and watch it all the time?
Brian: I film it while I’m asleep. When I wake up, I watch the footage on fast forward. I email the result the U-N-I-T. My middle name is Diligence.
Rory: Wow. I can’t wait to see day sixty-eight.
Brian: Don’t mock my log. I’m doing what the Doctor asked.
Brian: How long were they away?
The Doctor: I don’t know what you’re talking about Brian.
Brian: Because they’re wearing totally different clothes from earlier.
The Doctor: Seven weeks. I got sidetracked. A lot.
Brian: What happen to the other people who travelled with you?
The Doctor: Some left me. Some got left behind. And some… not many, but… some died. Not them, not them, Brian. Never them.
Brian: Brian’s log. Day 361. 8:50pm. No movement. And I am cream crackered.
Rory: I have to get to work. They need all the help they can get.
Brian: Let me come, help out.
Rory: Take Your Dad to Work Night. Brilliant!
Kate: Every cube across the whole world activated at the same moment.
The Doctor: Now we’re in business. You sent me a message to my psychic paper. You know what, I’m almost impressed.
Amy: Secret base beneath the Tower. I hope we’re not here because we know too much.
Kate: Yes, I’ve got officers trained in beheading. Also ravens of death.
Amy: I like her.
Kate: There are fifty being monitored and more are coming in all the time. I don’t know how useful it is. Every cube is behaving individually. There’s no meaningful pattern. Some respond to proximity, some create mood swings.
Amy: Ah, what’s this one?
Kate: Try the door. {the Chicken Dance song starts} On a loop.
Kate: This is the latest.
The Doctor: Oh dear. System’s breach at the Pentagon. China. [Every] African Nation. Belize.
Kate: I’ve got every nation screaming at me for an explanation and no idea what to tell them. I’m lost, Doctor. We all are.
The Doctor: Don’t despair, Kate. Your dad never did. {she looks surprised} Kate Stewart. Heading up UNIT, changing the way they work. How could you not be. Why did you drop Lethbridge?
Kate: I didn’t want any favors. Though he guided me even to the end. “Science leads”, he always told me. Said he learned that from an old friend.
The Doctor: We don’t let him down. We don’t let this planet down.
UNIT Researcher (David Hartley): They’ve stopped. The cubes, across the world. They just shut down.
Kate: Active for forty-seven minutes and then they just die?
The Doctor: Not dead. Dormant, maybe.
Amy: Then why shut down?
The Doctor: I don’t know. I don’t know. I need to think, I need some air. Who has an underground base? Terrible ventilation.
Amy: Doctor, please. You don’t have to do this.
Kate: She’s right. You don’t have to be in there. We can do this remotely.
The Doctor: Remotely isn’t my style. See you after.
The Doctor: How many deaths have been reported?
Kate: We don’t know. We think it could have been a third of the population.
The Doctor: Kate, I have to find the wormhole. But the attacks could still happen. Tell the world. Tell them how to deal with this. The world needs your leadership right now.
Kate: I’ll do my best.
The Doctor: Of course you will. Good luck.
Shakri (Steven Berkoff): So many of them, crawling the planet. Seeping into every corner.
The Doctor: It’s not possible. I thought the Shakri were a myth. A myth to keep the young of Gallifrey in their place.
Shakri: The Shakri exist in all of time. And none. We travel alone. And together. The seven.
The Doctor: The Shakri craft, connected to Earth through seven portals in seven minutes. Ah. But why?
Shakri: Serving the word of the Tally.
The Doctor: Why the cubes? Why Earth?
Shakri: Not Earth. Humanity. The Shakri will halt the human plague before the spread.
The Doctor: Erase humanity before it colonizes space. We thought the cubes were an invasion. The start of war.
Shakri: The human contagion only must be eliminated.
Shakri: Before the closure, there is the tally. The Shakri serves the Tally!
The Doctor: The pest controllers of the universe. That’s how the tales went, isn’t it?
Amy: Wow. That is some serious weird bedtime story.
The Doctor: You can talk. Wolf in your grandma’s nightdress.
The Doctor: So. Here you are, depositing slug pellets all over the earth. Made attractive, so humans will collect them, hoping to find something beautiful inside. Because that’s what they are. Not pests or plague, creatures of hope. Forever building and reaching. Making mistakes of course. Every life form does. But. But— they learn. And they strive for greater and they achieve it. You want a tally. Put their achievements against their failings, through the whole of time. I will back humanity against the Shakri every time.
Shakri: The Tally must be met. The second wave will be released.
Amy: What does that mean?
The Doctor: It’s going to release more cubes to kill more people.
Kate: Tell the Secretary General, it’s not just hospitals and equipment, it’s people. Our best hope now is each other.
Shakri: The human plague, breeding and fighting. And when cornered, they rage to destroy. You’re too late, Doctor. The tally shall be met.
Amy: He’s gone!
The Doctor: He was never really here. Just the ship’s automated interface, like a talking propaganda poster.
News Reader: Emergency hospitals and field units are working at full capacity around the world. As millions of survivors of cardiac arrests are nursed back to health, after an unprecedented night across the globe.
Kate: You, ah, you really are as remarkable as Dad said. {she kisses him} Thank you.
The Doctor: My! A kiss from a Lethbridge-Stewart. That’s new.
The Doctor: I better get going. Things to do. Worlds to save. Swings to… swing on. Look. I know. You both have lives here. Beautiful, messy lives. That is what makes you so fabulously… human. You don’t want to give them up. I understand.
Brian: Actually, it’s you they can’t give up, Doctor. And I don’t think they should. Go with him. Go save every world you can find. Who else has that chance? Life will still be here.
The Doctor: You could come, Brian.
Brian: Somebody’s got to water the plants. Just bring them back safe.
View all quotes from The Power of Three
The Angels Take Manhattan
Garner: New York. The city of a million stories. Half of them are true, the other half just haven’t happened yet. Statues, the man said. Living statues that moved in the dark.
Grayle (Mike McShane): So, will you take the case, Mr. Garner?
Sam Garner (Rob David): Sure. Why not.
Grayle: Because you don’t believe me.
Garner: For twenty-five dollars a day plus expenses, I’ll believe any damn thing you like.
Grayle: But you don’t believe statues can move. And you’re right, Mr. Garner. They can’t. Of course they can’t. {he looks out the window} When you’re looking.
Garner: The address Grayle gave me was an apartment block near Battery Park. He said it was where the statues lived. I asked him why he didn’t go look himself. He didn’t answer. Grayle was the scariest guy I knew. If something scared him, I kinda wanted to shake its hand.
Garner: Who are you?
Old Garner (Burnell Tucker): They’re comin’ for ya. They’re gonna send you back.
Garner: Who’s comin’? Back where?
Old Garner: In time. Back in time. They’re gonna send you back in time. I’m you. I’m you.
The Statue of Liberty appears behind him as an Angel, teeth and all:
Garner: You gotta be kidding me.
River: Huh. Early Chin Dynasty, I’d say.
Grayle: Correct. Are you an archaeologist as well as a detective?
Grayle: Early Chin Dynasty, just as you say. You’re very well-informed.
River: And you’re very afraid. That’s an awful lot of locks for one door.
{The Chinese on the vase translates itself into Rapture of Summer}
Rory: River, I’m translating.
River: It’s a gift of the TARDIS. It hangs around.
Grayle: This one. Put him somewhere uncomfortable.
Hood: With the babies, sir?
Grayle: Yes. Why not. Give him to the babies.
Hood: The lights are out. You’ll last longer with these. {he throws him some matches}
Rory: What do you care?
Hood: It’s funnier.
River: Let’s see. Crime boss with a collecting fetish. Whatever you don’t want anyone to see has got to be your favorite. Or possibly…. your girlfriend. {she unveils a Weeping Angel} So, girlfriend then.
Grayle: What are you doing?
River on the vortex manipulator: Oh you know. Texting a boy.
Grayle: These things are all over. And people don’t seem to notice. It never moves while you’re looking.
River: Oh, I know how they work.
Grayle: So I understand. Melody Malone, the detective that investigates Angels.
River: It’s badly damaged.
Grayle: I wanted to know if it could feel pain.
River: You realize it’s screaming. The others can hear. Is that why you need all the locks?
{Grayle shuts out the lights briefly, and River is caught by the Angel}
Grayle: You’re going to tell me all about these creatures. And you’re going to do it quickly.
River: The Angels are predators. They’re deadly. What do you want with them?
Grayle: I’m a collector. What collector could resist these. I’m only human.
River: That’s exactly what they’re thinking.
Grayle: What’s that? What’s happening? {the TARDIS sounds outside} Is it an earthquake? What is this!?
River: Oh you bad boy. You could burn New York.
Grayle: What does that mean?!
River: It means, Mr. Grayle, just you wait ’til my husband gets home.
View all quotes from The Angels Take Manhattan
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The Bells of Saint John
Nabile (Manpreet Bachu): Danger. This is a warning. A warning to the whole world. You’re looking for WiFi. Sometimes you see something. A bit like this{holds up a sign}. Don’t click it. Do not click it. Once you’ve clicked it, they’re in your computer. They can see you. If they can see you, they might choose you. And if they do, you die. In 24 hours you’re dead. For a while. People’s souls are being uploaded to the internet. Some people get stuck. Their minds—their souls—trapped in the WiFi.
Echoing Voice: I don’t know where I am.
Nabile: Like echoes. Like ghosts. Sometimes you can hear their screams. On the radio. On the telly. On the net. This is real. This is not a hoax. Or a joke. Or a story. This is real and I know that. Because I don’t know where I am. Please. Please, if you can hear me. If you can hear this. I don’t know where I am.
Cumbria 1207
Paul (Sean Knopp): Wake the Abbott. The bells of Saint John are ringing!
Paul: They call him the Mad Monk, don’t they?
The Abbott (James Greene): They shouldn’t. He’s definitely not a monk.
The Abbott: I’m sorry to intrude. The bells of Saint John are ringing.
The Doctor: I’m going to need a horse.
Paul: Is that her?
The Abbott: The woman twice dead. And her final message. He has withdrawn to this place of peace and solitude that he might divine her meaning. If he truly is mad then this is his madness.
Alexei (Dan Li): Clara Oswald. We’ve got a positive lock on her but I think she’s borderline. Very clever but no computer skills.
Miss Kizlet (Celia Imrie): Upload her anyway. Splice her a computer skills package.
Alexei: I’ll activate a spoonhead.
Miss Kizlet: Alexei, we call them servers, not spoonheads.
Miss Kizlet: I’m ever so fond of Alexei, but my conscience says we should probably kill him.
Mahler (Robert Whitelock): I’ll inform HR.
Miss Kizlet: Actually, he’s about to go on holiday. Kill him when he gets back. Let’s not be unreasonable.
Mahler: We’re uploading too many people too quickly. We’re going to get noticed.
Miss Kizlet: If your conscience is bothering you, think of it like this: we’re preserving living minds in permanent form in the data cloud. It’s like immortality. Only fatal.
Mahler: My conscience is fine.
Miss Kizlet: Good. Because our client has his needs.
Mahler: Did you just hack me?
Miss Kizlet: Because you changed your mind?
Mahler: I hope I did.
Clara: Hello.
Little Girl (Daniella Eames): Hello.
Clara: Are you a friend of Angie’s?
Little Girl: I’m a friend of Angie’s.
Clara: What were you doing upstairs?
Little Girl: I was upstairs.
Clara: I know you, don’t I?
Little Girl: You know me. Don’t you.
Miss Kizlet: Well?
Mahler: Our hacker sent us a message. {Under my protection —The Doctor}. I assume he’s talking about the girl.
Miss Kizlet: Sir. The one you told me about, he’s here. The Doctor is here.
Mahler: Do we need another London-wide activation? We can’t always pass it off as a riot.
Miss Kizlet: Find that box!
Mahler: What’s happening?
Alexei: Blue box. Southbank. Definitely wasn’t there five minutes ago.
Mahler: Are we sure this time? Earl’s Court was an embarrassment.
Barista (Fred Pearson): You realize you haven’t the slightest chance of saving your little friend.
Waitress (Jade Anouka): Now I want you to take a look around. Go on. Have a little stroll. And see how impossible your situation is. Go on. Take a look. I do love showing off.
Miss Kizlet: The people of this world are in no danger whatsoever. My client requires a steady diet of living human minds. Healthy, free-range human minds. He loves and cares for humanity. In fact he can’t get enough of it.
The Doctor: It’s obscene. It’s murder.
Miss Kizlet: It’s life. The farmer tends his flock like a loving parent. The abattoir is not a contradiction. No one loves cattle more than Burger King.
Mahler: Who’s on Facebook? Uh, Bebo? Myspace? Habbo? {everyone raises their hand}. Put your hands down if you didn’t mention where you work. {no one lowers their hands}
Mahler: Should we pulp her? Or keep her as a hostage?
Miss Kizlet: There’s no point. She’s fully integrated now. She can’t be downloaded again. I’m sure he knows that.
Alexei: I’m not sure he does. He’s coming.
Man with Chips (Matthew Earley): Really, Doctor? A motorbike. It hardly seems like you.
The Doctor: I rode this in the Anti-Grav Olympics, 2074. I came last.
Man with Chips: The building is in lock-down. I’m afraid you’re not coming in.
The Doctor: Did you even hear the word, “anti-grav”?
Alexei: Seriously? He can do that? He can really actually do that?
Miss Kizlet: Oh dear—
Man with Chips: —lord.
{There’s a great crashing of glass}
Mahler: I think that was your office.
Miss Kizlet: Excuse me. I believe there’s someone to see me.
Miss Kizlet: Do come in.
The Doctor: Download her.
Miss Kizlet: Sorry about the draft.
The Doctor: Download her back into her body right now.
Miss Kizlet: I can’t.
The Doctor: Yes you can.
Miss Kizlet: She’s a fully integrated part of the cloud now. She can’t be separated.
The Doctor: Then download the entire cloud. Everyone you’ve trapped in there.
Miss Kizlet: You realize what would happen.
The Doctor: Yes, those still with bodies to go home to would be free.
Miss Kizlet: A tiny number. Most would simply die.
The Doctor: They’d be released from a living hell. It’s the best you can do for them. So give the order.
Miss Kizlet: And why would I do that?
The Doctor: ‘Cause I’m going to motivate you. Any second now.
Miss Kizlet: You ridiculous man. Why did you even come here. Whatever for?
The Doctor: I didn’t.
Miss Kizlet: What?
The Doctor: I’m still in the cafe. I’m finishing my coffee. Lovely spot.
Miss Kizlet: What are you talking about?
The Doctor: You hack people. But me, I’m old-fashioned. I hack technology.
Miss Kizlet: Put me back! Put me back! Download me at once! That is an order. That is an order!
Mahler: You have no right to be in this office and I am demanding that you leave at once!
UNIT Soldier: This building is under UNIT’s control .
Mahler: What is UNIT? Never heard of you.
UNIT Soldier: I suggest you calm down, sir.
Miss Kizlet: UNIT are here. Friends of The Doctor, I presume.
The Great Intelligence (Richard E Grant): Oh, old friends. Very old friends.
Miss Kizlet: Then I appear to have failed you, Great Intelligence.
The Great Intelligence: I have feasted on many minds. I have grown. But now it is time for you to reduce.
Miss Kizlet: You’ve been whispering in my ear so long, I’m not sure I remember what I was before.
The Great Intelligence: Goodbye, Miss Kizlet.
Miss Kizlet: Where are my mummy and daddy? They said they wouldn’t be long. Are they coming back?
View all quotes from The Bells of Saint John
The Rings of Akhaten
Dave (Michael Dixon): So I’ve got something for ya.
Ellie (Nicola Sian): What? {he hands her a crumpled leaf} You kept it.
Dave: Of course I kept it.
Ellie: Why?
Dave: Because this exact leaf had to grow in that exact way, in that exact place, so that precise
wind could tear it from that precise branch, and make it fly into this exact face. At that exact moment. And if just one of those tiny little things never happened, I’d never have met you. Which makes this the most important leaf in human history.
Ellie: Oh my stars, are you alright?
The Doctor: Fine. Marvelous. Refulgent. Possibly a touch embarrassed. That’s not dangerous, is it?
Ellie: What’s not?
The Doctor: Embarrassment.
Ellie: Not usually. Not to my knowledge.
The Chorister (Chris Anderson): Have you seen her?
Clara: Who?
The Chorister: The Queen of Years.
Clara: Who?
Clara: You all right? {she nods} What are you doing?
Merry (Emilia Jones): Hiding.
Clara: Oh. Why?
Merry: You don’t know me?
Clara: Sorry. Actually not.
Merry: So why did you follow me?
Clara: To help. You look lost.
Merry: I don’t believe you.
Clara: I’ve got no idea who you might be. I’ve never been here before. I’ve never been anywhere like here before. I just saw a little girl who looked like she needed help.
Merry: Really?
Clara: Really really.
Merry: Can you help me?
Clara: That’s why I’m still here.
Merry: Because I need to hide.
{The Vigil materialize in the room}: Merry. Where are you, Merry?
Clara: I know the perfect box.
The Vigil: Merry! Where are you, Merry?
Merry: What’s this?
Clara: A spaceship-y thing. Timey. Spacey.
Merry: It’s teeny.
Clara: Ha! You wait.
Merry: What’s wrong?
Clara: I don’t know. {the TARDIS clangs} I don’t think it likes me.
Clara: So. What’s happening? Is someone trying to hurt you?
Merry: No. I’m just scared.
Clara: Of what?
Merry: Getting it wrong.
Clara: Okay, can you pretend like I’m totally a space alien and explain?
Merry: I’m Merry Galel.
Clara: Really not local, sorry.
Merry: The Queen of Years? They chose me when I was a baby. The day the last Queen of Years died.
Clara: Okay.
Merry: I’m the vessel of our history. I know every chronicle, every poem, every legend, every song.
Clara: Every single one? Blimey, I hated history.
Merry: Now I have to sing a song in front of everyone. A special song. I have to sing it to a god. I’m really scared.
Clara: Everyone’s scared when they’re little. I used to be terrified of getting lost. I used to have nightmares about it. And then I got lost.
Clara: So. This special song, what are you scared of exactly?
Merry: Getting it wrong. Making Grandfather angry.
Clara: And do you think you’ll get it wrong? Because I don’t. I don’t think you’ll get it wrong. I think you, Merry Galel, will get it very very right.
Merry: I don’t know what to do next. What happens?
The Doctor holding the door open: Ah! Hello there! I’m The Doctor. And you met Clara. She was supposed to be having a nice day out. Still. It’s early yet. Are you coming then? {she shakes her head} Did I mention that the door is immensely heavy?
Merry: Leave! You’ll wake him!
The Doctor: Really quite extraordinarily heavy. {the door drops further}
Merry: You said I wouldn’t get it wrong. And then I got it wrong. And now this has happened! Look what’s happened!
Clara: You didn’t get it wrong.
Merry: How do you know? You don’t know anything! You have to go! Go now or he’ll eat us all.
Clara: Well… he’s ugly. But you know, to be honest— {she runs up to the glass}—I don’t think he looks big enough.
Merry: Not our meat. Our souls.
Merry: He doesn’t want you, he wants me. And if you don’t leave he’ll eat you all up too.
The Doctor: Yes. And you don’t want that, do you? You want us to walk out of this really quite astonishingly heavy door. And never come back.
Merry: Yes.
The Doctor: I see. Right. Clarified. Absolutely never going to happen. {he rolls into the room and the door shuts}
Clara: Doctor, why’s he still singing?
The Doctor: He’s trying to sing the Old God back to sleep. But that’s not going to happen. He’s waking up, mate. He’s coming, ready or not. you wanna run. {the Chorister stops} That’s it then? The song is over.
Chorister Asbethix: The song is over. My name is Chorister Asbethix. And the Long Song ended with me.
The Doctor: Hey. Do you mind if I tell you a story? One you might not have heard. All the elements in your body were forged many many millions of years ago in the heart of a faraway star that exploded and died. That explosion scattered those elements across the desolations of deep space. After so, so many millions of years, these elements came together to form new stars and new planets. And on and on it went. The elements came together and burst apart, forming shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings. Until, eventually, they came together to make you. You are unique in the universe. There is only one Merry Galel. And there will never be another. Getting rid of that existence isn’t a sacrifice, it’s a waste!
Merry: So… if I don’t, then everyone else…
The Doctor: Will be fine.
Merry: How?
The Doctor: There’s always a way.
Merry: You promise?
The Doctor: Cross my hearts.
Clara: Something’s coming. What’s coming?
Merry: The Vigil!
The Doctor: And… what’s the Vigil?
Merry: If the Queen of Years is unwilling to be feasted upon…
The Doctor: Yes?
Merry: It’s their job to feed it to Grandfather.
Clara: What do we do?
The Doctor: Against that? I don’t know! Do you know? I don’t know! Any ideas?
Merry: But you promised. You promised!
The Doctor: I did. I… I did promise.
Merry: He’ll eat us all. He’ll spread across the entire system, consuming the seven worlds. And when there’s no more to eat, he’ll embark on a new odyssey among the stars.
View all quotes from The Rings of Akhaten
Cold War
North Pole 1983
Professor Grisenko (David Warner): Have I interrupted something?
Captain Zhukov (Liam Cunningham): We were about to blow up the world, Professor.
Professor Grisenko: Again?
Professor Grisenko: Ultravox. I bloody love it!
Lieutenant Stepashin (Tobias Menzies): Comrade Captain. The NATO exercises.
Captain Zhukov: Sabre-rattling.
Lieutenant Stepashin: I don’t think so.
Captain Zhukov: Oh, you don’t think so?
Lieutenant Stepashin: Sir, American aggression gets more intolerable by the day. We must run the drill again.
Captain Zhukov: Tomorrow.
Captain Zhukov: Did you have your specimen stowed okay?
Professor Grisenko: Yeah, Piotr’s looking after him.
Captain Zhukov: Well at least we have something to show for our little hunting expedition. What is it? A mammoth?
Professor Grisenko: Probably.
Piotr (Josh O’Connor): What are you, Milaya Moya? The Professor wants you thawed out back in Moscow, but life’s too short to wait.
The Doctor: Ah! Sideways momentum! You’ve still got sideways momentum.
Captain Zhukov: What?
The Doctor: Your propellers work independently of the main turbines. You can’t stop her going down, but you can maneuver the sub laterally. Do it!
Lieutenant Stepashin: Get these people off the bridge now!
Clara: Just listen to him for God’s sake!
The Doctor: Geographical anomaly to starboard. Probably an underwater ridge.
Captain Zhukov: How do you know this?
The Doctor: Look, we have just a shot. A shot to be safe if we step along and do it! Or this thing is going to implode.
Captain Zhukov: Lateral thrust to starboard, all propellers!
Sir?
Captain Zhukov: Now!
Lieutenant Stepashin: You’re going to let this madman give the orders?
Captain Zhukov: It seems we owe you our lives. Whoever you are.
The Doctor: I’ll hold you to that. It might come in handy.
Captain Zhukov: This sinking is just a coincidence, is it? Who are you?
The Doctor: Alright, Captain. Alright. You know what, just this once, no dissembling, no psychic paper, no pretending to be an Earth ambassador. Doctor. Me. Clara. Time travellers. Clara, you okay?
Clara: Think so.
Captain Zhukov: Time travellers?
The Doctor: We arrived out of thin air. You just saw it happen.
Professor Grisenko: I didn’t!
The Doctor: Your problem, mate. Not mine.
The Doctor: Ah… it never rains. But it pours.
Professor Grisenko: We were drilling for oil in the ice. I thought I found a mammoth.
The Doctor: It’s not a mammoth!
Professor Grisenko: No.
Clara: What is it then?
The Doctor: It’s an Ice Warrior. A native of the planet Mars. And we go way back. Way back.
Captain Zhukov: Martian, you can’t be serious!
The Doctor: I’m always serious. With days off.
Skaldak: Skaldak.
The Doctor: What did you say?
Skaldak: I am Grand Marshal Skaldak.
The Doctor: Oh no.
Skaldak: Is it true?
Onegin (James Norton): Uh, true?
Skaldak: I slept for five thousand years?
Onegin: Ah… what’s what the Professor says.
Skaldak: Five thousand years.
Skaldak: Find me, my brothers. If you are still out there. Find me.
Lieutenant Stepashin: Why are we listening to this nonsense, Captain? These people are clearly enemy agents.
Clara: Huh?
Lieutenant Stepashin: Spies, Captain.
Clara: Pretty bad spies, mate. Don’t even speak Russian.
Lieutenant Stepashin: What?
Clara: I don’t… {to The Doctor} Am I speaking Russian? How come I’m speaking Russian?
The Doctor: Now? We have to do this now?
Clara: Are they speaking Russian?
The Doctor: Seriously! Now? It’s the TARDIS translation matrix.
Lieutenant Stepashin: What is the alternative? The little green man from Mars?
Professor Grisenko: Correction. It’s a big green man from Mars.
Lieutenant Stepashin: I don’t appreciate your levity, Professor.
Professor Grisenko: Why does that not surprise me. Maybe they’re telling the truth.
Lieutenant Stepashin: The truth?
Professor Grisenko: Yes. A revolutionary concept, I know.
The Doctor: A soldier knows another soldier. He’ll smell it on you. Smell it on you a mile off.
Captain Zhukov: And he wouldn’t smell it on you, Doctor?
The Doctor: Just let me in there before it’s too late. It can’t be you or any of your men.
Captain Zhukov: Well it can’t be you. {Clara clears her throat behind them}
Clara: Well there really is only one choice. Isn’t there?I don’t smell of anything. To my knowledge.
Professor Grisenko: I think he wants to speak to the organ grinder, not to the monkey.
Clara: I heard that.
Skaldak: It is time I learned the measure of my enemies. And what this vessel is capable of.
The Doctor: No no no. Skaldak!
Skaldak: Harm one of us, and you harm us all. By the moons, this I swear!
Captain Zhukov: Won’t it be more vulnerable out of its shell?
The Doctor: No. It’ll be more dangerous.
The Doctor: Skaldak got no answer from his Martian brothers. Now he’s given up hope.
Captain Zhukov: Hope of what?
The Doctor: Of being rescued.
He thinks he’s been abandoned. He’s got nothing left to lose.
Captain Zhukov: Well what can he do? Stuck down here like the rest of us. How bad can it be?
The Doctor: This sub’s stuffed with nuclear missiles, Zhukov. It’s fat with them. What do you think Skaldak’s going to do when he finds that out? How bad can it be? How bad can it be? It couldn’t be any worse. {the sub starts shifting} Okay. Spoke too soon.
Lieutenant Stepashin: What do you want with me?
Skaldak: Much.
Captain Zhukov: Comrades, you know our situation. The reactor is drowned. We are totally reliant on battery power and our air is running out. Rescue is unlikely. But we still have a mission to fulfill. If The Doctor is right, then we are all that stands between this creature and the destruction of the world. Control of one missile is all he needs. We are expendable, comrades. Our world is not. I know I can rely on every one of you to do his duty without fail. That is all.
The Doctor: We split up and comb the sub. One team stay here to guard the bridge.
Captain Zhukov: That’s it? That’s the plan?
The Doctor: Well it’s either that or we stay here and wait for him to kill us.
The Doctor: Professor, I could kiss you!
Professor Grisenko: If you insist.
The Doctor: Later.
Professor Grisenko: Clara. What is it?
Clara: I was doing okay. I mean, I went in there and I did the scary stuff, didn’t I? I went in there with the Ice Warrior and it went okay.
Actually it went just about as badly as it could have done, but that wasn’t my fault.
Professor Grisenko: Not at all.
Clara: So I’m happy about that.
Professor Grisenko: Yes.
Clara: Sure.
Professor Grisenko: And so you should be. So what’s the matter?
Clara: Seeing those bodies back there. it’s all got very real. Are we going to make it?
Professor Grisenko: Yes, of course.
Professor Grisenko: And The Doctor. What he said, is it true? You’re from another time. From our future? Clara?
Clara: Yes.
Professor Grisenko: Tell me what happens.
Clara: I can’t.
Professor Grisenko: Well I need to know.
Clara: No, I’m not allowed. I can’t.
Professor Grisenko: No, please!
Clara: I can’t!
Professor Grisenko: Ultravox! Do they split up?
Professor Grisenko about his sharpshooting: See? I don’t just like Western music.
Skaldak: My distress call has not been answered. It will never be answered. My people are dead. They are dust. There is nothing left for me except my revenge.
Captain Zhukov: Very well. We’ll negotiate but from a position of strength.
Skaldak: Excellent tactical thinking, Captain. My congratulations, Captain.
Captain Zhukov: Thank you.
Skaldak: Unfortunately your position is not, perhaps, as strong as you might hope.
Clara: What’s happening?
Skaldak: My people live. They have come for me.
The Doctor: We’ve surfaced. Your people have saved us.
Skaldak: Saved me and not you.
The Doctor: Just go, Skaldak. Please. Please, go in peace.
Hide
Emma Grayling (Jessica Raine): How are we looking?
Alec Palmer (Dougray Scott): Oh! About ready I think.
Emma: Hm. Any thoughts on the, ah, interference?
Alec: Um, a stray FM broadcast possibly. But I’ve fitted some ferrite suppressors and some RF chokes. Just in case.
Alec: Are you sure you wanted to go through with this? I mean the last time it was very…
Emma: But she’s so lonely.
Alec: Excellent then. Excellent.
Alec: Caliburn House. Night four. November 25th, 1974. 11:04pm.
Emma: I’m talking to the spirit that inhabits this house. Are you there? Can you hear me? {nothing} I’m speaking to the lost soul that abides in this place. Come to me. Speak to me. Let me show you the way home. Let me show you the way home!
Alec: Emma?!
Emma: She’s so…
Alec: So, so what?
Emma: Dead. {there’s an ominous knock on the door and Alec goes to answer}
The Doctor: Boo! Hello. I’m looking for a ghost.
Alec: And you are?
Clara: Ghost busters.
The Doctor: I’m the Doctor.
Alec: Doctor what?
The Doctor: If you like.
The Doctor looking at the machines: Ah, but you are very different! {back to Palmer} Ha! You are Major Alec Palmer. Member of the Baker Street Irregulars. The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare. Specialize in espionage, sabotage and reconnaissance behind enemy lines. You’re a talented water-colorist, professor of psychology and ghost hunter. Total pleasure. Massive.
Emma: Actually, you’re wrong. Professor Palmer spent most of the war as a POW.
The Doctor: Actually that’s a lie told by a very brave man involved in very secret operations. {to Palmer} The type of man who keeps a Victoria cross in a box in the attic, eh? {to Emma} But you know that, because you’re Emma Grayling! The professor’s companion.
Emma: Assistant.
The Doctor: It’s 1974. You’re the assistant and non-objective equipment. {to Clara} Meaning psychic.
Clara: Getting that. Bless you though.
Alec: Relax, Emma. He’s military intelligence. So what is all this in aid of?
The Doctor: Health and Safety. Yeah! The Ministry got wind of what’s going on down here. Sent me to check that everything’s in order.
Alec: They don’t have the right.
The Doctor: Don’t worry, governor. I’ll be out of here in five minutes.
Alec: What’s that?
The Doctor: Gadget. Health and Safety. Classified, I’m afraid. You know. While the back room boffins work out a few kinks.
Emma: What’s it telling you?
The Doctor: It’s telling me that you haven’t been exposed to any life-threatening transmundane emanations.
Alec: I will not have this stolen out from under me. Do you understand?
The Doctor: Um, no. Not really. Sorry.
Alec: I will not have my work stolen and be fobbed off with a pat on the back and a letter from the Queen. Never again.
This is my house, Doctor. And it belongs to me.
Clara: This is actually your house?
Alec: It is.
Clara: Sorry.
You went to the bank and said, “You know that gigantic, old haunted house on the moors–the one that dossers are too scared to doss in, the one the birds are too scared to fly over.” And then you said, “I’d like to buy it, please, with my money.”?
Alec: Yes I did, actually.
Clara: That’s incredibly brave.
Alec: Caliburn House is over four hundred years old, but she has been around much longer. The Caliburn Ghast. She’s mentioned in local Saxon poetry and parish folk tales. The Wraith of the Lady. The Maiden in the Dark. The Witch of the Well.
Clara: Is she real? As in, actually real?
Alec: Oh she’s real. In the 17th century, a local clergyman saw her.
He wrote that her presence was accompanied by a dreadful knocking, as if the Devil himself demanded entry. During the war, American airmen stationed here left offerings of tinned SPAM. The tins were found in 1965 bricked up in the servants pantry, along with a number of handwritten notes. Appeals to the ghast. “For the love of God, stop screaming.”
Clara: She never changes. The angle’s different, the framing, but she’s always in exactly the same position. Why is that?
Alec: We don’t know. She’s an objective phenomenon. But objective recording equipment can’t detect her.
The Doctor: Without the presence of a powerful psychic.
Alec: Absolutely. Very well done.
Emma: She knows I’m here. I can feel her. Calling out to me.
Clara: What’s she saying?
Emma: Help me.
Emma: Is he really from the Ministry?
Alec: Uh… I don’t know. He’s certainly got the right demeanor. Capricious. Brilliant.
Emma: Deceitful.
Alec: Yes. He’s a liar.
But you know, that’s often the way that it is when someone’s seen a thing or two. Experience makes liars of us all. We lie about who we are, about what we’ve done.
Emma: And how we feel?
Alec: Yes. Always. Always that.
The Doctor: How does that man, that war hero, end up here? In a lonely old house looking for ghosts.
Alec: Because I killed. And I caused to have killed. I sent young men and women to their deaths. And yet here I am, still alive. It does tend to haunt you. Living after so much of… the other thing.
Alec: What do you think she is?
The Doctor: Not what I thought she’d be.
Alec: What did you think she’d be?
The Doctor: Fun.
Emma: What about you and the Doctor?
Clara: Oh. Don’t think so.
Emma: Good.
Clara: Sorry?
Emma: Don’t trust him.
There’s a sliver of ice in his heart.
Emma: What’s wrong?
Clara: I just saw something I wish I hadn’t.
Emma: What did you see?
Clara: That everything ends.
Emma: No, not everything. Not love. Not always.
Emma: Doctor. Will it hurt?
The Doctor: No. Well yes, probably. A bit. Well quite a lot. I don’t know, it might be agony. To be perfectly honest I’ll be interested to find out.
The Doctor: See? The Witch of the Well! It’s a wormhole. A reality well. A door to the echo universe. Ready?
Emma: Ready!
The Doctor: Geronimo.
The Doctor: Hila Tacorian, I presume.
Hila Tacorian (Kemi-Bo Jacobs): Who are you?
The Doctor: Collapsing universe. You and me dead. Two minutes. No time. Complete sentences. Abandon planet.
Hila: Wait! There’s something in the mist.
The Doctor: Then run. Run!
Hila: What’s wrong?
The Doctor: You know that exit I mentioned?
Hila: Yeah.
The Doctor: I seem to have misplaced it.
The Doctor: Whoa!
Hila: What’s that?
The Doctor: Echo house in an echo universe. Clever psychic. That is just top-notch.
Clara: What’s this now?
TARDIS: The TARDIS voice visual interface. I’m programmed to select the image of a person you esteem. Of several billion such images in my database, this one best meets the criterion.
Clara: Ugh! Oh you are a cow. I knew it. Whatever. You have to help the Doctor.
TARDIS: The Doctor is in a pocket universe.
Clara: You can enter the pocket universe.
TARDIS: The entropy would drain the energy from my heart. In four seconds I’d be stranded. In ten, I’d be dead.
Clara: You’re talking, but all I can hear is meh meh meh meh meh. Come on, let’s go! {the TARDIS disappears}
Emma: You wanted a word?
The Doctor: Why, if that’s…
Emma: That’s fine. You didn’t come here for the ghost, did you?
The Doctor: No.
Emma: You came here for me.
The Doctor: Yes.
Emma: Why?
The Doctor: I needed to ask you something.
Emma: Then ask.
The Doctor: Clara…
Emma: Yes?
The Doctor: What is she?
Emma: She’s a girl.
The Doctor: Yes, but what kind of girl specifically.
Emma: She’s a perfectly ordinary girl. Very pretty.
The Doctor: Hm.
Emma: Very clever.
The Doctor: Hm.
Emma: More scared than she lets on.
The Doctor: And that’s it, is it?
Emma: Why? Is that not enough?
Emma: Where will you go?
Hila: He can’t take me home. History says I went missing.
Emma: But he can change history.
The Doctor: No. No no, I can’t, actually. There are fixed points in time, you see–
Clara: Hi.
The Doctor: What? {she pulls him away}
Hila: I knew you were there. I could feel you.
Emma: I know.
Hila: Have we… ?
Emma: We can’t have. You haven’t even been born yet.
The Doctor: No, you can’t have met. But she can be your great, great, great, great, great granddaughter, eh? {Palmer walks up} Yours too, of course. But you guessed that already, didn’t you? Oh. Apparently not.
Alec: The paradoxes–
The Doctor: Resolve themselves, by and large. That’s why the psychic link was so powerful. Blood calling to blood.
Out of time. Not everything ends. Not love. Not always.
View all quotes from Hide[/nextpage]
[nextpage title=”page 3″]
Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS
Tricky (Jahvel Hall): There’s no salvage this far out.
Bram van Baalen (Mark Oliver): You’re a lucky boy, Tricky. You’re an android. You don’t get bored.
Tricky: He won’t turn back, with half a cargo.
Bram: He’s not captain. We’re equal partners.
Tricky: Yeah. Right.
Gregor van Baalen (Ashley Walters): Use the thermo charge and blast it.
Tricky: No, wait! It’s like she’s alive. She’s suff– I can feel it. I can feel it!
Gregor: It’s just a robot, Bram.
Bram: No, Gregor. He’s right. Looks like there’s a broken fuel line.
Gregor: All right. All right. Put it back. no salvage today, boys. Open the bay doors.
Tricky: Wait. Somebody’s under that thing. The crew was still aboard when we dragged her in .
Gregor: We did nothing if anyone asks, right? The ship was already busted. You got that? And you, make sure you keep your alien mouth shut, you got that?
The Doctor popping up behind them: It’s rude to whisper.
The Doctor: Hi. I’m the Doctor. And you are, ah… van Baalen and van Baalen. Van Baalen and van Baalen. That’s going to get confusing later.
Gregor: We found you drifting.
Bram: Yeah, your ship was junked up pretty bad.
The Doctor: What broke my ship was a magno-grab. Found this remote in your pocket, eh? What are the chances. Outlawed in most galaxies,
this little beastie can disable whole vessels. Unless you have shield oscillators. Which I turned off so Clara could fly. Damn it! {realizing}Clara. Where is she? A girl about… so high. Feisty. She’s still onboard.
Tricky: No, wait! Your pod is leaking fuel. If she’s still in there, she’s dead.
The Doctor: What if I can guarantee you the best haul you’ve ever had?
Gregor: Bram, open the bay doors.
The Doctor: No no. Please stop. Listen. Listen. Right behind those doors is the salvage of a lifetime.
Bram: How big is this baby?
The Doctor: Picture the biggest ship you’ve ever seen. Are you picturing it?
Bram: Yeah.
The Doctor: Good. Now forget it. Because this ship is infinite.
Gregor: It’ll take you hours to find the girl.
The Doctor: Days. Plus this whole ship is toxic. She’d be dead by the time I reach her. So. Here’s the mission. We’re gonna find her in one hour.
Gregor: We?
The Doctor: You’re my guys for this.
Gregor: That wasn’t the deal.
The Doctor: It is now.
Bram: What makes you think we’ll help?
The Doctor: I just activated the TARDIS self-destruct system. One hour ’til this ship blows. {Bram heads for the door} Don’t try to leave. The TARDIS is in lock down. I’ll open those doors when Clara is by my side.
Bram: You crazy lunatic!
The Doctor: My ship, my rules!
Gregor: You’ll kill us all. And the girl.
The Doctor: She’s going to die if you don’t help me. Don’t get into a spaceship with a madman. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that?
The Doctor: Okay, a little gentle persuasion. Say, 30 minutes.
Bram: She’ll die even quicker now!
The Doctor: We all perform better under pressure. Anybody want to go for 15 minutes? {the guys all stop him} It’s your own time you’re wasting. Salvage of a lifetime. You meant the ship. I meant Clara.
Gregor: Report. What’s on board this thing?
Sensor: Dynamorphic generators. Conceptual geometer. Beam synthesizer. Orthagonal engine filters.
Sensor: Everything.
Gregor: What? Report.
Sensor: Everything. Behind that door.
Gregor: Everything?
Sensor: Sensor detects: everything you could possibly want. {he enters} Everything.
Gregor: I don’t understand. Give me a price tag.
Sensor: Incalculable.
Gregor: What?
Sensor: More valuable than the total sum of any currency.
Living metal. Bespoke engineering. Whatever machine you require this system will build it.
Gregor: What the hell is this place?
The Doctor: Architectural reconfiguration system. It reconstructs particles according to your needs.
Gregor: A machine that makes machines?
The Doctor: Yes. Basically.
Gregor: What the? Where’s the door gone?
The Doctor: Ever seen a spaceship get ugly?
Gregor: This isn’t happening.
The Doctor: She won’t relinquish it. Her basic genetic material.
Gregor: Torch it. {Tricky hesitates} I said torch it!
Tricky: Can’t you feel it, Gregor? The ship… The ship’s in torment. Like it’s a living thing. You can’t hurt it.
Gregor: It’s the same. It’s just the same!
The Doctor: It’s diverting us. Spinning a maze around us. We will never reach Clara in time.
The Doctor: The console room. It’s the safest place on the ship. It can replicate itself any number of times. It’s trying to protect us.
Tricky: Because I tried to give back the circuit?
The Doctor: Thank TARDIS.
Sensor: Unidentified human.
The Doctor: It doesn’t know Lancashire.
Gregor: What?
The Doctor: It doesn’t know Sass. Yes! It’s Clara. It’s found her. She’s right… There. {he grabs her}
Gregor: All right, all right. Look, a deal’s a deal. You’ve got the girl back, now cancel the auto-destruct.
The Doctor: Ah. Ah! Ha. You know,
I’ve gotta tell you, I won’t be needing you in my quiz team.
Gregor: What?
The Doctor: There is no self-destruct! Heh? Heh! Had you going though, boys, didn’t I? I just wiggled a few buttons.
Yeah. The old wiggly button trick. And the face. You’ve gotta do the face. “Save her, or we all die.” I thought I’d rushed it a bit but…
Tricky: So you’re telling us we’re safe.
The Doctor: -ish. Apart from the monsters and the TARDIS reinventing the architecture every five minutes.
Tricky: Where are we going?
The Doctor: Detour. The center of the TARDIS.
Tricky: What’s the matter with you? Why won’t you cut me?
The Doctor to Gregor: Tell him.
Tricky: Yo. Tell What?
The Doctor: You can’t, can you? You’re a coward. You won’t save him but you’re scared to tell him why.
Tricky: What’s he going on about?
The Doctor: Robots don’t need blast suits, they don’t need respirators, they don’t get frightened of monsters in the dark.
Tricky: What’s he talking about?
The Doctor: Two bionic eyes and a synthetic voice box. But you my friend are human. Flesh and blood.
Gregor: It was a joke.
Tricky: What?
Gregor: It was just a stupid joke. We did it to relieve the boredom.
The Doctor: Well it was very funny. They lied to you. Changed you identity just to provide some in-flight entertainment.
Gregor: I’m sorry. You’re human, Tricky.
The Doctor: Cut the metal.
Tricky: What sort of human does this to another person? Made them believe they’re made of metal? Who am I?!
Gregor: My mouthy little kid brother.
Tricky: What? Why don’t I remember?
Gregor: It was a salvage accident. Big explosion. You lost your sight, voice and your memory.
Tricky: And you found a way you could have some fun with me? I just wanted a brother beside me!
Gregor: You were always the smart one, Tricky. He wanted you to take over. He made you Captain.
Tricky: He?
Gregor: Dad.
Tricky: I don’t… I don’t remember him.
Tricky: You did this to me just to be captain of a heap of junk?
Hey robot. Go get me some food. I’m starving.
Oi! Leave him alone.
What’s the matter with you?
Maybe I’ve just got a little tiny scrap of decency.
View all quotes from Journey to the Centre of the TARDIS
The Crimson Horror
Yorkshire 1893
Edmund (Brendan Patricks): If I have not returned in an hour you must fetch the police.
Effie (Olivia Vinall): Edmund!
Edmund: Don’t fret, Evie my dear. All will be well. But we must get to the bottom of this dark and queer business no matter what the cost.
Effie: Mrs. Gillyflower!
Mrs. Gillyflower (Dame Diana Rigg): We have come about your husband, my dear. A tragedy.
Effie: My husband?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Your late husband.
Effie: There must be some mistake. My husband is quite well. {Edmund screams off screen}
Mrs. Gillyflower: We’re so very sorry for your loss.
Artie: Well fire. That’s put me right off me mash. Another one.
Mr. Thursday (Brendan Patricks): Another?
Artie: It’s not the first one I’ve had in here looking like that. The Crimson Horror. That’s what they’re calling it.
Mr. Thursday: I have no interest in the deplorable excesses of the penny dreadful.
Artie: Hey hey. Payment in advance, flower.
Taking a big risk, I am. They’ll have me vitals for fiddle strings if they knew I’d let you come to look at one of their precious stiffs.
Mr. Thursday: This stiff is my brother. I’ve come up from London to bring him home.
Mr. Thursday: Thank you for agreeing to this meeting. I’m told you are the investigator to see if there are strange goings-on.
Madame Vastra (Neve McIntosh): I read of your brother’s death. Another victim of the Crimson Horror, I believe.
Mr. Thursday: So it is claimed. He was a newspaper man.
He and a young woman were working undercover. Tell me, Madame. Do you know what an optogram is?
Madame Vastra: It’s a silly superstition, sir. The belief that the eye can retain an image of the last thing it sees. {he hands her a picture and she pulls back her veil} Good grief.
Mr. Thursday: Oh god! {he faints}
Jenny (Catrin Stewart): Well I’ll be blowed! I think, Madame, that we’d better make plans to head north.
Madame Vastra: According to my research, Sweetville’s proprietor hold recruitment drives for her little community. She’s only interested in the fittest and the most beautiful.
Strax (Dan Starkey): You may rely
on me, ma’am.
Madame Vastra: I was in fact speaking to Jenny.
Strax: Jenny. If this weak and fleshy boy is to represent us, I strongly advise the issuing of scissor grenades, limbo vapor and triple-blast brain spitters.
Madame Vastra: What for?
Strax: Just generally. Remember, we are going to the north.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Bradford! That Babylon of the moderns with its crystal light and its glitter. All are swarm with the wretched ruins of humanity. Men and women crushed by the Devil’s juggernaut. Moral turpitude can destroy the most delicate of lives. Believe me, I know. I know! {she pulls a curtain to reveal a young woman} My own daughter. Blinded in a drunken rage by my late husband. Her once beautiful eyes pale and white as mistletoe berries.
Mrs. Gillyflower: And what, my friends, is your story? Will you be found wanting when the end of days is come? When judgment rains down upon us all? Or will you be preserved against the coming apocalypse? Do not despair. I offer a way out. There is a different path. Sweetville!
Mrs. Gillyflower: You wish to join us, my dear?
Jenny: If it’s all the same with you, ma’am.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Oh yes dear. You’ll do very nicely.
Madame Vastra: If our stratagem succeeds, Jenny will infiltrate deep into the black heart of this curious place.
Strax: And how will she locate the Doctor?
Madame Vastra: To find him, she needs only ignore all Keep Out signs. Go through every locked door, and run towards any form of danger that presents itself.
Strax: Business as usual then?
Madame Vastra: Business as usual.
Ada (Rachael Stirling): Did you think I’d forgotten you, dear monster?
Strax: It asked permission to enter and then it fell over. What are we to make of it?
Madame Vastra: I imagine Mr. Thursday wants to know what progress we are making. The question is, how did the Doctor’s image come to be preserved on a dead man’s eye. It’s a scientific impossibility.
Madame Vastra: I wonder how Jenny is getting on.
Strax: If she hasn’t made contact by nightfall, I suggest a massive frontal assault on the factory, Madame. Casualties can be kept to perhaps as little as eighty percent.
I think there may be subtler ways of proceeding, Strax.
Strax: Suit yourself.
Abigail (Michelle Tate): You’re not local, are you?
Jenny: No. Up from London.
Abigail: Different here, I’ll bet.
Jenny: Oh yeah. A bleedin’ horse market.
Do you know anyone who’s come to live here? In Sweetville, I mean.
Abigail: I had a pal who come here three month back.
She wrote to tell me how perfect it all were. Funny though. I’ve not heard a peep from her since.
Madame Vastra: It hardly seems possible.
Artie: Aye?
Madame Vastra: I think… I think I have seen these symptoms before.
Artie: Oh aye?
Madame Vastra: A long time ago.
Artie: Oh aye, ’bout how long?
Madame Vastra: About 65 million years.
Ada: I trust you had a pleasant day, Mama?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Tolerable.
Ada: Will Mr. Sweet ever join us for dinner, Mama?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Mr. Sweet is rather tired tonight, I fear.
Jenny: I could open this door. Would you like that? {banging} Thought you might. But you and me have got to come to an arrangement. Savvy? {banging} Now… you stand well back, do you hear me? I don’t mean no ‘arm to ya. But you try anything funny and I’ll lave you here to rot. Is that understood? {banging again so she opens the door to…} Doctor!
Ada: You are all I have, monster. And all will be well. There will be room for us in the New Jerusalem.
Edmund: Same as the rest. All dead from causes unknown. And their flesh… glowing.
Artie: Like something manky in a coal cellar. They keep turning up in canal. The Crimson Horror.
The Doctor: Ooo! Good name. Hey that’s good, isn’t it? “The Crimson Horror.” I wonder what it is.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Doctor and Mrs. Smith. Oh ho ho yes. You’ll do very nicely.
The Doctor: Oh grand! Smashin’. Aye, the missus and I couldn’t be more chuffed, could we luv?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Like pretty maids, all in a row. The process improves with every attempt. Mr. Sweet is such a clever old thing. Oh! Into the canal with the rejects, Ada.
Jenny: But Doctor. Clara’s dead, isn’t she?
The Doctor: It’s complicated.
Strax: Horse! You have failed in your mission. We are lost with no sign of Sweetville. Do you have any final words before your summary execution? The usual story. {he pulls out a gun} Fourth one this week. And I’m not even hungry.
Jenny: Are we talking about the same person? About that Clara? {The Doctor runs into a building without answering} Doctor!
The Doctor: I couldn’t see much from where I was but I think she survived the process. She must be here somewhere.
Jenny: But Clara died! The Ice Lady? Doctor!
The Doctor: It’s… well… ah. It’s complicated.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Wrecker! Berserker! You have loosed a reject on to the outside world.
Ada: I have disappointed you.
Mrs. Gillyflower: My plans must be accelerated. Nothing must interfere with the great work.
Ada: But please say there is still room for me in your New Eden, Mama. Promise me that.
Mrs. Gillyflower: I’ll set my pilgrims unto him.
Ada: No!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Kindly do not claw and slobber at my crinoline. You know I can not bear to look at sick people.
Ada: Promise me you will not abandon me, Mama. Promise me that.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Do you not yet understand? There can be no place for people such as you. And only perfection is good enough for myself and Mr. Sweet. The bright day’s done, child. And you are for the dark.
The Doctor: Oh great. Great. Attack of the super models. Time for a plan.
Jenny: No, Doctor. This one’s on me. {she kicks some ass}
The Doctor: That is a plan. {more advance}. Okay. Time for a new plan. Run!
Strax: What now, Madame? We could lay mimetic cluster vines.
Madame Vastra: Strax–
Strax: Or dig trenches and fill them with acid!
Madame Vastra: Strax! You’re over excited. Have you been eating Miss Jenny’s sherbet fancies again?
Strax: No.
Madame Vastra: Go outside and wait for me until I call for you.
Strax: But Madame, I–
Madame Vastra: Go.
Strax: Hmph. I’m gonna go and play with my grenades.
The Doctor: I know who you think she is but she isn’t. She can’t be.
Madame Vastra: I was right then. You and Clara have unfinished business.
Madame Vastra: My people once ruled this world–as well you know. But we did not rule it alone. Just as humanity fights a daily battle against nature, so did we. And our greatest plague–the most virulent enemy–was the repulsive red leech.
The Doctor: Ooooo! The Repulsive Red Leech. Now on balance I think I prefer The Crimson Horror.
What was it exactly?
Madame Vastra: A tiny parasite. It infected our drinking water and once in our systems it secreted a fatal poison.
The Doctor: So it’s been hanging around, lurking in the shadows.
Maybe it’s evolved. Maybe it’s had help.
Ada: You! It’s you! My monster! You’ve come back. But you’re…
The Doctor: Warm. And alive. Thanks to you, Ada. You saved me from your mother’s human rubbish tip. {she cries} Now, hey. What’s wrong?
Ada: She does not want me, Monster. I am not to be chosen. Perhaps it was my own sin. The blackness in my heart that my father saw in me.
The Doctor: Ada, no! That’s nonsense. Stupid, backwards nonsense. And you know it. You know it.
The Doctor: Now Ada, I need you to tell me something. Who is Mr. Sweet? Ada?
Ada: Oh dear monster.
The Doctor: Please.
Ada: I cannot. Even now I cannot, I cannot betray Mama.
The Doctor: Well. Come with us then. There’s something you need to know.
Mrs. Gillyflower: You do seem to keep turning up like a bad penny, young man.
The Doctor: Force of habit.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Can I offer you something? Tea? Seed cake? Oh! A glass of Amontillado.
The Doctor: No thanks, we’ve had a skinful already as you might say.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Very funny.
The Doctor: Hm, yes. I’m the Doctor, you’re nuts, and I’m going to stop you.
Mrs. Gillyflower: I’m afraid Mr. Sweet and I cannot allow that.
The Doctor: Ah yes. Would it be impolite to ask why you and Mr. Sweet are petrifying your workforce with diluted prehistoric leech venom?
Clara: So when do we get to meet him, this silent partner
of yours? Why is he so shy?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Mr. Sweet is always with us.
The Doctor: You do seem to have a very close relationship, you and your pal.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Oh yes, Doctor. Exceedingly close. Symbiotic you might say.
The Doctor: Mrs. Gillyflower, you have no idea what you are dealing with. In the wrong hands that venom could wipe out all life on this planet.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Do you know what these are? The wrong hands!
The Doctor: Planning a little fireworks party, are we?
Mrs. Gillyflower: You have forced me to advance the great work somewhat, Doctor. But my colossal scheme remains what it was. My rocket will explode high in the atmosphere, raining down Mr. Sweet’s beneficence onto all humanity.
Clara: And wiping us all out. You can’t!
Mrs. Gillyflower: My new Adam and Eves will sleep for a few months before stepping out into a golden dawn! Is it not beautiful, Doctor?
The Doctor: Now. Tell us about Ada, Mrs. Gillyflower.
Mrs. Gillyflower: What?
The Doctor: Your daughter. You do remember your daughter. Tell us about your daughter.
Mrs. Gillyflower: How can you speak of such trivia when my hour is at hand? The child is of no consequence.
The Doctor: Is that why you experimented on her?
Clara: Experimented?
The Doctor: The signs are all there, the pattern of scarring. You used her as a guinea pig, didn’t you?
Clara: God!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Sometimes sacrifices must be made.
The Doctor: Sacrifices?!
Mrs. Gillyflower: It’s of necessary! I had to find out how much of the venom would produce an anti-toxin.
To immunize myself, don’t you see! It was necessary!
Ada: Mama, is it… Is it true?
Mrs. Gillyflower: Ada!
Ada: It is. It’s true. True!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Ada, listen to me.
Ada: You hag! You perfidious
hag! You virago! You harpy! All these years I have helped you, served you, looked after you! Does it count for nothing?! Nothing at all!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Has the venom been loaded?
Yes ma’am.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Then Heaven awaits yea!
Ada: Shoot if you wish, Mama. It is of no matter, for you killed me a long time ago!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Now Mr. Sweet. Now the whole world will taste your lethal kiss.
The Doctor: I don’t think so, Mrs. Gillyflower.
Mrs. Gillyflower: Very well then. If I can’t take the world with me, you will have to do. Die, you freaks! Die!
Strax: Put down your weapon, human female!
Mrs. Gillyflower: Forgive me, my child. Forgive me.
Ada: Never.
Mrs. Gillyflower: That’s my girl.
Jenny: What will you do with that thing?
The Doctor: Take it back to the Jurassic era maybe. Out of harm’s way. {Ada finds the parasite and clubs it to bits} On the other hand…
The Doctor: Now, Ada, I’d love to stay and help clear up the mess, but–
Ada: I know, dear monster, you have things to do.
The Doctor: And what about you?
Ada: Oh, there are many things a bright young lady can do to occupy her time. It’s time I stepped out of the darkness and into the light.
The Doctor: Good luck, Ada. You know I think you will be just…{he kisses her cheek} splendid!
The Doctor: Well! Thanks a million, you three. As ever. Have some Pontefract cakes on me. I love Pontefract cakes. See you around, eh? I shouldn’t wonder.
Jenny: But Doctor. That girl, Clara. You haven’t explained.
The Doctor: No, I haven’t.
Angie (Eve de Leon Allen): It’s you, isn’t it? It’s from the seventies but it’s definitely you.
Clara: Of course it’s not.
Artie (Kassius Carey Johnson): And that’s you too. From 1983. I found it at school.
Clara: No. That’s just someone who looks like me.
Angie: And that’s someone who looks like your boyfriend.
Artie: Is he an alien?
Angie: Why would he be an alien?
Artie: The chin.
Angie: And the time travel. {she clicks to a picture of Clara in Victorian dress}
Clara: That’s not right.
Angie: You’re in Victorian London.
Clara: No, I was in Victorian Yorkshire.
Angie: How come you didn’t tell us?
Artie: Time travel. That’s so cool!
Angie: Can we have a go?
Clara: Can you have a what?
Artie: We want a shot at the time machine.
Clara: No no no no no. Listen–
Angie: Okay. Or… we’ll have to tell dad that our nanny’s a time traveller.
View all quotes from The Crimson Horror
Nightmare in Silver
The Doctor: Well here we are! Hedgewick’s World! The biggest and best amusement park there will ever be. And we’ve got a golden ticket. Eh? Eh! Fun!
Clara: Fun.
Angie (Eve de Leon Allen): The stupid box can’t even get us to the right place? This is like a moon base or something?
The Doctor: Well it’s not the moon.
Artie (Kassius Carey Johnson): Actually I think it does look like the moon. Only dirtier.
The Doctor: Hey. Guys. It’s not the moon, okay? It’s a Spacey Zoomer ride. Or it was.
Webley (Jason Watkins): Psst! Excuse, I, I don’t suppose you happen to be my lift off planet? Dave’s Discount Interstellar Removals?
Clara: ‘Fraid not.
Webley: Oh, they’re meant to be here six months ago. Well that’s Dave for you, see, unreliable!
Captain (Tamzin Outhwaite): Stay where you are!
Webley: Oops! {he disappears}
Captain: Throw down your weapons and identify yourselves!
The Doctor: No! No weapons! Golden ticket. Spacey Zoomer! Free ice cream.
Captain: Who are you? This planet is closed by imperial order.
The Doctor: How’s this?{he shows her the psychic paper}
Captain: Hm. Welcome Proconsul
. Wish they’d told us you were coming. Any news of the Emperor?
The Doctor: Oh the Emperor! No, no, none that you’d… uh…
Captain: We pray for his return. If there’s anything you need my platoon is at your service.
The Doctor: Right. Righty-o! Well. Carry on, Captain.
Webley: They can’t stop me being here but they don’t like it.
The Doctor: You see! I told you it was amazing. Well it used to be.
Webley: It closed down. Wish I’d known that before I landed here. But let me show you my collection.
Webley: Welcome to my show. Webley’s World of Wonders! Miracles, marvels and more await you. I am Impresario Webley. You see before you wax work representations of the famous and the infamous!
Webley: Anybody here play chess? {The Doctor perks up} Perhaps you, young man.
Artie: Actually I’m in my school chess club.
Webley: Well, follow me.
Webley: Let me demonstrate to you all, the wonder of the age, the miracle of modernity. We defeated them all a thousand years ago, but now he’s back… to destroy you. Behold, the enemy! {he unveils…}
The Doctor: Cyberman! Get down!
Webley: No need to panic, my young friends. We all know there are no more living Cybermen. What you are seeing is a miracle. The 699th wonder of the Universe. As displayed before the Imperial court and only here to destroy you at chess. Careful now! An empty shell and yet it moves. How?
Angie: Magic.
Webley: That might well be, young lady. But, uh, a single penny wins you five Imperial shillings if you can beat this empty shell at chess.
Artie: I haven’t got a penny but I’ve got a sandwich.
Webley: If you can tell me how it works I’ll give you a silver penny.
Angie: I think you do it with… mirrors?
The Doctor: Hmm. Mirrors. Clever girl. Well let’s see, eh. Low tech. It’s a puppet, mono filament strings which means the brains are in…
Porridge (Warwick Davis): Hello.
The Doctor: Hello.
Porridge: I’m the brains.
The Doctor: Hello.
Porridge: Give us a hand.
Porridge: They call me, Porridge. It’s good to be out of that box.
Webley: For you, miss. An Imperial penny!
Webley: I have one, but three Cybermen in my collection.
Angie: Is that the King?
Porridge: Emperor. Ludins Nimrod Kendrick, etcetera, etcetera, the Forty-first. Defender of humanity, Imperator of known space.
Clara: He looks a bit
full of himself.
Porridge: Don’t say things like that about the Imperial family. You can end up on the run for the rest of your life.
Artie: They don’t sound very nice.
Webley: Total takings for the day: one sandwich. Better than no sandwich, of course. Not as good as two sandwiches. Or even a chicken. {the Cyberman grabs him} That’s a little bit odd. That’s not funny. Give me my hands back! {the funny insects leave the Cyberman and enter him}
Cyberman: Upgrade in progress.
Angie: I hate the future. It’s stupid. There’s not even phone service. I’m out of here.
Artie: The Doctor said not to wander off.
Angie: He said that and then he wandered off.
Artie: I don’t think Clara would like that.
Angie: She’s not our mum.
Artie: Don’t leave me here!
Clara: Is this really the biggest amusement park in the Universe?
Porridge: Yeah. Hedgewick bought the planet cheap. It had been trashed in the Cyber Wars.
Clara: Who were we fighting?
Porridge: Cybermen. Technologically upgraded warriors. We couldn’t win. Sometimes we fought to a draw but then they’d upgrade themselves, fix the weaknesses, and destroy us. It’s hard to fight an enemy that uses your army as spare parts.
Clara: You beat them though. Beat them or you wouldn’t be here. How?
Porridge: Look up there. That corner of sky. What do you see?
Clara: Nothing. It’s just black. No stars, no nothing.
Porridge: That used to be the Tiberian Spiral Galaxy. A million star systems, a hundred million worlds, a billion trillion people. It’s not there anymore. No more Tiberian Galaxy. No more Cybermen. It was effective.
Clara: It’s horrible.
Porridge: Yeah. I feel like a monster sometimes.
Clara: Why?
Porridge: Because instead of mourning a billion trillion dead people, I just feel sorry for the bloke who had to press the button and blow it all up.
Angie: I’m bored.
Captain: Where’s your big sister?
Angie: Clara? She’s not my sister. She’s stupid. She’s talking to Porridge.
Captain: She talks to her porridge?
Angie: Porridge. That little bloke?
Captain: We need to have a chat.
Captain: So. Tell me about the little bloke.
The Doctor: Now. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I take it your platoon doesn’t do much fighting.
Captain: What do you expect?
Clara: What?
Captain: We’re a punishment platoon. That’s why they sent us out here, so we can’t get into trouble.
Captain: Cyberia-class weaponry. We’ve taken it out of storage.
Clara: Good.
We need to find somewhere defensible. Where?
Captain: The Beach.
Giant’s Cauldron. Natty Longshoe’s Comical Castle.
Clara: Real castle? Drawbridge? Moat?
Captain: Yes. But comical.
Porridge: You really saw a Cyberman?
Captain: We really did.
Porridge: Have you reported it to the Imperial.
Captain: No communicators.
Porridge: So you’re going to do what she says. Right. Let’s all spend a night at Natty Longshoe’s Comical Castle.
The Doctor: Webley?
Cyber Webley: We needed children. But the children had stopped coming. You brought us children. Hail to you, the Doctor! Savior of the Cybermen!
Clara: What would the Empire do if they were alerted?
Captain: I told you. Tell me to blow up the planet.
Clara: After they had got us off.
Porridge: Captain, you want to take that one?
Captain: No, ma’am. Just blow the sucker up.
Clara: Drawbridge. Moat. Brilliant.
Brains (Will Merrick): With respect, ma’am, we ought to be hunting the creature.
Clara: The only reason I’m still alive is because I do what the Doctor says. Can you guarantee me you’d bring me back my children alive and unharmed? {he shakes his head no}. I trust the Doctor.
Captain: You think he knows what he’s doing?
Clara: I’m not sure I’d go that far.
Cyber Webley: As the battle raged between humanity and the Cyberiad, the Cyber Planet has built a Valkyrie to save critically damaged units and bring them here and one by one, repair them.
The Doctor: The people who vanished from the amusement park, they were spare parts for repairs?
Cyber Webley: We’ve upgraded ourselves. The next model will be undefeatable.
Nothing’s undefeatable.
Cyber Webley: We needed children to build a new Cyber Planner. A child’s brain with its infinite potential is perfect for our needs. But we no longer need the children. The Cybermites have been scanning your brain, Doctor. It’s quite remarkable.
The Doctor: Also completely useless to you. Cybermen use human parts. I’m not human. You can’t convert non-humans.
Cyber Webley: Well that was true a long time ago, but we’ve upgraded ourselves. The Doctor: Current cyber units use almost any living components.
The Doctor: Stop rummaging in my mind!
Cyber Doctor: Just you try and stop me. Oooo… Who’s Clara? Why are you thinking about her so much?
The Doctor: Enough!
Cyber Doctor: Fascinating. A complete mental block. Highly effective.
Cyber Doctor: I’m so clever already and now I’m a million times more clever and what a brain! Not a human brain. Not even slightly human. I think I’m going to have to completely rework the neural interface. But this is going to be the most efficient Cyber Planner! Not a great name that, is it? I could call myself Mr. Clever!
Cyber Doctor: So much raw data. Time Lords. There’s information on the Time Lords in here! Oh this is just dreamy.
Cyber Doctor: Stalemate then. One of us needs to control this head. We’re too well-balanced.
The Doctor: What did you say? No no no. I heard you. Rhetorical device to keep me thinking about it a bit more. Stalemate? We each control 49.881% of this brain. .238 of the brain is still in the balance. Whoever gets this gets the whole thing.
Cyber Doctor: You understand, when I do win. the Cyberiad gets your brains and memories–all of it!
The Doctor: Yeah. When I win, you get out of my head, you let the children go,
and nobody dies. You got that? Nobody dies!
Brains: Uh Ma’am, Missy said she saw something and then she went quiet.
Clara: It’s on its way then.
Cyber Doctor: Doctor, why is there no record of you anywhere in the databanks of the Cyberiad? Ah…
you’re good. Oh, you’ve been eliminating yourself from history.
You know you could be reconstructed by the hole you left.
The Doctor: Good point. I’ll do something about that.
The Doctor: Did you know very early versions of the Cyber operating system could be seriously scrambled by exposure to things like gold or cleaning fluid. And what’s interesting is, you’re still running some of that code.
Cyber Doctor: Really? That’s your secret weapon? Cleaning fluid?
The Doctor: Nope! Gold! {he slaps the golden ticket on the implant} Oh ho ho! like a charm! Right. You, Cyber Webley. And you, kid… things. I’ll bring the chess board, let’s get out of here.
Porridge: You knew it was me.
Captain: I was in the Imperial guard on Casputin. Mostly just parades, but I had the honor to guard the old Emperor during the Ice Picnic.
Porridge: When the snow bears came and danced for us. That was a day.
Captain: We’re a punishment platoon. We can’t beat a Cyberman. The Imperium has to know what’s happening.
Porridge: Like you said, the communicators are out. The only way you can report this now is to activate the bomb.
Captain: Yes!
Porridge: And I forbid you to do that.
Clara: I don’t get it. Why would you blow up a whole planet and everybody on it just to get rid of one Cyberman.
Porridge: We tried other ways, but they only work sometimes. So now we take drastic action, and it works.
Captain: If you find a Cyberman, and you can’t destroy it immediately, you implode the planet. I was sent here because I didn’t follow orders. I can make up for that.
Clara: You’re playing chess by yourself?
The Doctor: And winning. {he rips off the gold}
Cyber Doctor: Actually, he has no better than a 25% chance of winning at this stage in the game. Some very dodgy moves at the beginning. Hello, Flesh Girl. Fantastic. I’m the Cyber Planner.
Clara: Doctor?
Cyber Doctor: Afraid not. I’m working the mouth now. Allons-y! Oh, you should see the state of these neurons.
He’s had some cowboys in here. Ten complete rejigs.
Clara: You aren’t the Doctor.
Cyber Doctor: No. But I know who you are. You’re
the impossible girl. Oh, he’s very interested in you.
Clara: Why am I impossible?
Cyber Doctor: Hasn’t he told you, the sly devil?
Oh, dear me. Listen, soon we wake, we’ll strip you down for spare parts then build a space ship and move on.
Clara: More Cybermen?
Cyber Doctor: They’re waking from their tomb right now. You could either die or live on as one of us.
Clara: The Doctor will stop you.
Cyber Doctor: He can’t even access the lips!
Clara: One gun. Five hand pulsars and a planet smashing bomb that doesn’t work anymore.
Brains: Why not?
Clara: Broken trigger unit.
Brains: But you signed for that!
Porridge: Alice Bering, you should have destroyed this planet when you had the chance.
Cyber Webley: Welcome to Webley’s World of Wonders, children! Now presenting delights, delicacies and death.
The Doctor: Your move! But before you take it, just so you know, sacrificing my queen was the best possible move I could’ve made. The Time Lords invented chess. It’s our game. And if you don’t avoid my trap, it gives me mate in three moves.
Cyber Doctor: How? How!
The Doctor: Come on. You call yourself a “chess-playing robot”.
Cyber Doctor: How!?
The Doctor: Hey, you figure it out. Or don’t you have the processing power? Hm?
The Doctor: What are you doing?
Cyber Doctor: Doctor. Doctor. Doctor Doctor
Doctor Doctor Doctor Doctor Doctor Doctor. I’m pulling in extra power. Three million cyber brains working on one tiny chess problem. How long do you think it’s going to take us to solve it?
The Doctor: That’s cheating!
Cyber Doctor: No no no no no. Just pulling in the local resources.
Cyber Doctor: That’s cheating!
The Doctor: Just taking advantage of the local resources.
The Doctor: Come here and untie me please!
Clara: Do you think I’m pretty?
The Doctor: No, you’re too short and bossy and your nose is all funny.
Clara: Good enough.
Clara: What happened to the Cyber Planner?
The Doctor: Out of my head and redistributed across three million Cybermen right now and about to wake them all up, kill us and start constructing a spaceship.
Brains: We need to destroy this planet before they can get off it!
The Doctor: Okay. It has a fallback voice activation.
Ha-ha (Calvin Dean): The Captain. But she’s dead.
Angie:
I think you should ask Porridge.
Clara: Why?
Angie: Well he is the Emperor.
I bet he knows the activation codes. Oh come on, it’s obvious. He looks exactly like he does on the coin and on the waxwork. Except they made him a bit taller. But look, am I the only one paying attention to anything around here?
Clara: You are full of surprises. Porridge!
Porridge: She’s right.
Clara: So you can save us?
Porridge: We all die in the end. Does it matter how?
Porridge: I don’t want to be Emperor. If I activate that bomb, it’s all over.
The Doctor: And if you don’t, three million Cybermen will spread across the galaxy. Isn’t that worth dying for?
Porridge: Doctor–
The Doctor: Three million Cybermen.
Porridge: The bomb, the throne, it’s all connected. I just have to say, “This is Emperor Ludins Nimrod Kendrick Cord Longstaff the 41st, defender
of humanity, Imperator of known space. Activate the desolator.” And it’s done.
Porridge: And that’s that.
Porridge: Farewell, Cyberiad. You know it was good to get away. Good to be a person. It’s good not to be lonely or Emperor of a thousand galaxies with everyone waiting for me to tell them what to do.
Artie: Can’t you run away again?
Porridge: They’ll be keeping a close eye on me this time. That’s what happens when you’re Emperor. Loneliest job in the universe.
Angie: When someone asks you if you want to be queen of the universe, you say yes.
Artie: Thank you for having me. It was very interesting.
The Doctor: My pleasure. Thank you for coming. Now, I’ve got something for you.
It’s not from me, it’s from the TARDIS. Ah! New phone.
Angie: Thanks!
The Doctor: You’re welcome.
Angie: Sorry I said this box was stupid.
View all quotes from Nightmare in Silver
The Name of the Doctor
Andro (Nasi Voutsas): Something wrong?
Fabian (David Avery): It’s the repair shop. What kind of idiot would try and steal a faulty TARDIS?
Gallifrey
A Very Long Time Ago…
Clara: Doctor. Doctor.
The First Doctor: Yes, what is it? What do you want?
Clara: Sorry, but you’re about to make a very big mistake.
London
1893
Do you hear the Whisper Men? The Whisper Men are near.
If you hear the Whisper Men then turn away your ear.
Do not hear the Whisper Men, whatever else you do.
For once you’ve heard the Whisper Men they’ll stop. And look at you.
Clarence (Michael Jenn): One word from you could save me from the rope!
Vastra: Then you may rely on my silence.
Clarence: I have information. Valuable information.
Vastra: Are you bargaining for your life? You have the blood of fourteen women on your hands. There are no words that can save your neck.
Clarence: The Doctor. Ah, yes. I know all about him. Your dangerous friend.
Vastra: How?
Clarence: In the babble of the world, there are whispers, if you know how to listen. The Doctor has a secret, you know.
Vastra: He has many.
Clarence: He has one he will take to the grave. And it is discovered. Well?
Jenny: We can’t let that terrible man live!
Vastra: He lives ’til I understand what he told me. We’re going to need a conference call. I’ll send out the invitations, you fetch the candles.
Vastra: Where’s Strax got to?
Jenny: The usual. It’s his weekend off.?
Vastra: I wish he’d never discovered that place.
Glasgow
Strax: Conference call. Sorry, Archie. I’m going to have to ask you to render me unconscious.
Archie (Rab Affleck): Fine.
Strax: Better use this. {hands him a shovel} It might take awhile.
The Whisper Men: The trap is set. The Doctor’s friends will travel where the Doctor ends.
Jenny: Oh! I like the new desktop.
Vastra: Mm. I was getting a little bored of the Taj Mahal. The tea should be superb. It’s drawn from one of my favorite memories. {loud thud} Strax! Good of you to join us.
Strax: It better be important.
I was in the middle of destroying some very pleasant primitives.
Vastra: I apologize for the interruption, but there is urgent news concerning the Doctor.
Strax: Who else is coming?
Vastra: The women.
Angie: Oh no. You’re going to try to make a soufflé again, aren’t you?
Clara: My mum’s soufflé, yeah. Although this time I will get it right. This time I will be soufflé girl.
Artie: How can it be your mum’s soufflé if you’re making it?
Clara: Because, Artie, it’s like my mum always said, “The soufflé isn’t the soufflé. The soufflé is the recipe.”
Angie: Was your mum deep on puddings?
Clara: She was a great woman.
Vastra: Glad you could make it.
Clara: Where am I?
Jenny: Exactly where you were, but sleeping.
Vastra: Time travel has always been possible in dreams. We are awaiting only one more participant.
Strax: Oh no. Not the one with the gigantic head.
Jenny: It’s hair, Strax.
Strax: Hmph. Hair.
River popping in: Madame Vastra.
Vastra: Professor. Help yourself to some tea.
River: Why thank you. {she has a champagne bucket}
Jenny: How did you do that?!
River: Disgracefully.
Vastra: Ah, perhaps you two haven’t met. This is the Doctor’s companion. That is, his current travelling assistant.
Clara: Assistant?
Strax: Have you gone a darker green?
Vastra: Clara Oswald.
River: Professor River Song.
Clara: Oh yeah. Yeah. Of course he has, Professor Song. Sorry, it’s just that I never realized you were a woman.
Strax: Well neither did I.
Vastra: Clarence DeMarco. Murderer. Under sentence of death. He offered us this in exchange for his life.
River: Space-time coordinates.
Vastra: This, Mr. DeMarco claims, is the location of the Doctor’s greatest secret.
Clara: Which is?
Jenny: We don’t know. It’s a secret.
Vastra: The Doctor does not discuss his secrets with anyone, my dear. If you’re still entertaining the idea that you’re an exception to this rule,
ask yourself one question. What is his name?
River: Well I know it.
Clara: What, you know his name? He told you?
River: I made him.
Clara: How?
River: It took awhile.
Clara: So, So you’re a friend of his then.
River: A little more than a friend, a long time ago.
Vastra: He still never contacted you?
River: He doesn’t like endings.
River: So what else did this DeMarco tell you? He didn’t just buy his life with some coordinates. How did he prove their value?
Vastra: One word only.
River: What word?
Vastra: A word I’ve heard in connection with the Doctor before. Trenzalore.
River: You misunderstood.
Jenny: Ma’am, sorry, I just realized I forgot to lock the door.
Vastra: It doesn’t matter, Jenny. What misunderstanding? Tell me.
Jenny: No, ma’am, please! I should have locked up before we went into the trance.
Vastra: Jenny, it doesn’t matter!
Jenny: Someone’s broken in. Someone’s with us. I can hear them.
Vastra: Jenny, are you all right?
Jenny: Sorry, ma’am, so sorry. So sorry, so sorry. I think I’ve been murdered.
Vastra: Jenny?!
Clara: What’s happened to her?
Vastra: Jenny, can you hear me?
Strax: Speak to us, boy!
Vastra: Jenny!
River: You’re under attack. You must wake up now. Just wake up! Do it!
Vastra: Who are you? What have you done to her?
River: You too, Strax. Wake up now!
The Whisper Men: Tell the Doctor. Tell the Doctor. Tell the Doctor.
Clara: Tell him what?
The Great Intelligence: His friends are lost forevermore. Unless he goes to Trenzalore.
River: No, you can’t say that. He can’t go there. You know he can’t. The Doctor can never go to Trenzalore!
The Whisper Men: This man must fall as all men must. The fate of all is always dust.
The Whisper Men: The man who lies will lie no more. When this man lies, it’s Trenzalore.
Strax: This place is surrounded! Lay down your weapons and your deaths will be merciful! This planet is now property of the Sontaran Empire! Surrender your women and your intellectuals!
Dr. Simeon (Richard E. Grant): I see you have repaired your pet. No matter. I was only attracting your attention. I presume I have it.
Vastra: Dr. Simeon. This is not possible.
Dr. Simeon: And yet here we are, meeting again. So very far from home.
Jenny: But he died. You told me.
Vastra: Simeon died. But the creature that possessed him lived on. I take it I am now talking to The Great Intelligence.
Dr. Simeon: Welcome to the final resting of the cruel tyrant. Of the slaughterer of the ten billion. And the vessel of the final darkness. Welcome to the tomb
of the Doctor!
Dr. Simeon: It was a minor skirmish by the Doctor’s blood-soaked standards. Not exactly the Time War, but enough to finish him. In the end it was too much for the old man.
Jenny: Blood soaked?
Vastra: The Doctor has been many things, but never blood-soaked.
Dr. Simeon: Tell that to the leader of the Sycorax. Or Solomon the Trader. Or the Cybermen, or the Daleks. The Doctor lives his life in darker hues, day upon day. And he will have other names before the end. Storm. The Beast. The Valeyard.
Vastra: Even if any of this were true–which I take the liberty of doubting–how did you come by this information?
Dr. Simeon: I am information.
Jenny: You were a mind without a body last time we met.
Vastra: And you were supposed to stay that way.
Dr. Simeon: Alas, I did. As you can see.
Dr. Simeon: The doors require a key. The key is a word. Word is the Doctor’s.
The Doctor: Here I am, late to my own funeral. Glad you could make it. Jenny.
Dr. Simeon: Open the door, Doctor. Speak. And open your tomb.
The Doctor: No.
Dr. Simeon: Because you know what’s in there?
The Doctor: I will not open those doors.
Dr. Simeon: The key is a word lost to time. A secret hidden in the deepest shadow, and known to you alone. The answer to a question.
The Doctor: I will not open my tomb.
Dr. Simeon: Doctor. What is your name?
Dr. Simeon: The Doctor’s friends. Stop their hearts!
Strax: Madame, boys. Combat formations! They are unarmed.
Jenny: So are we!
Strax: Do not divulge our military secrets!
The Doctor: Stop this. Leave them alone.
Dr. Simeon: Your name, Doctor. Answer me!
Clara: Doctor?
Dr. Simeon: Doctor who?
The Doctor: Please. Stop it.
Dr. Simeon: Doctor who?!
The Doctor: Leave him alone, let him be.
Strax: Don’t worry, sir. I think I’ve got him rattled!
Dr. Simeon: Doctor who!
The Doctor: Please!
{the TARDIS doors open}
River: The TARDIS can still hear me. Lucky thing. Since him indoors is being so useless.
Strax: Why did you open the door, sir? I had them on the run!
The Doctor: I didn’t do it. I didn’t say my name.
River: No. But I did.
The Doctor: Now then. Dr. Simeon. Or Mr. G Intelligence, whatever I call you. Do you know what’s in there?
Dr. Simeon: For me, peace at last. For you, pain everlasting. Won’t you invite us in?
Clara: What’s that?
The Doctor: What were you expecting, a body? Body’s are boring. I’ve had loads of them. That’s not what my tomb is for.
Vastra: But what is the light?
Jenny: It’s beautiful.
Strax: Should I destroy it?
Vastra: Shut up, Strax.
Clara: Doctor, explain. What is that?
The Doctor: The tracks of my tears.
Dr. Simeon: Less poetry, Doctor. Just tell them.
The Doctor: Time travel is damage. It’s like a tear in the fabric of reality. That is the scar tissue of my journey through the universe. My path through time and space. From Gallifrey to Trenzalore.
First: Have you ever thought what it’s like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension?
Fourth: Do I have the right?
Second: There are some corners of the universe which have bred the most terrible things…
Nine: Absolutely fantastic.
Ten: I’m from Planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous.
Eleven: Hello Stonehenge!
Doctor: Days in, days out.
The Doctor: My own personal time tunnel. All the days, even the ones that I, uh, even the ones that I haven’t lived yet. {he collapses}
Clara: Doctor! Doctor!
The Doctor: No. No. Which is why I shouldn’t be here. The paradox is, is very bad. No. No, what are you doing? Somebody stop him!
Dr. Simeon: The Doctor’s life is an open wound. And an open wound can be entered.
The Doctor: No. It will destroy you.
Dr. Simeon: Not at all. It will kill me. It will destroy you. I can rewrite your every living moment. I can turn every one of your victories into defeats. Poison every friendship. Deliver pain to your every breath.
The Doctor: It will burn you up. Once you go through you can’t come back. You will be scattered along my time line like confetti.
Dr. Simeon: It matters not, Doctor. You thwarted me at every turn. Now, you will give me peace as I take my revenge on every second of your life. Goodbye. Goodbye, Doctor.
Clara: What’s wrong with him? What’s happening?
Vastra: He’s being rewritten. Simeon is attacking his entire time line. He’s dying all at once. The Dalek Asylum. Androzani.
Clara: What did you say? Did you say the Dalek Asylum?
Vastra: Now he’s dying in London, with us.
It is done.
Vastra: Oh dear Goddess.
Jenny: What’s wrong?
Vastra: The universe without the Doctor. There will be consequences.
Jenny: What are you scanning for?
Vastra: Local star systems.
Strax: Why?
Vastra: Because they’re disappearing.
Jenny: Disappearing how?
Vastra: The Doctor’s time line has been corrupted. His every victory reversed. Think how many lives that man saved–how many worlds! He saved your life when we met. {she turns to find Jenny gone} Jenny? Please, Jenny. No! Oh god, oh please no.
Strax: Reptile scum. You are an affront to Sontaran purity. Prepare to perish.
Vastra: We’re friends. Strax, your past is changing. But I swear we are comrades.
Strax: Die, reptile!
Vastra: Strax? Strax!
Vastra: The stars are going out! And Jenny and Strax are dead. There must be something we can do.
Clara: Well how about that? I’m soufflé girl after all.
The Doctor: No. Please.
Clara: If this works get out of here as fast as you can. And spare me a thought now and then.
The Doctor: No. Clara!
Clara: In fact, you know what? Run. Run, you clever boy. And remember me.
Strax: It was an unprovoked and violent attack, but that’s no excuse.
Vastra: We are all restored. That’s all that matters now.
The Doctor: We are not all restored.
River: You can’t go in there. It’s your own time stream, for God’s sake.
The Doctor: I have to get her back.
River: Of course, but not like this.
Jenny: But how?
Vastra: Is she still alive? It killed Dr. Simeon.
The Doctor: Clara’s got one advantage over The Great Intelligence.
Vastra: Which is?
The Doctor: Me.
Clara: Who’s that?
The Doctor: Never mind. Let’s get back.
Clara: Who is he?
The Doctor: He’s me. There’s only me here, that’s the point. Now let’s get back.
Clara: But I never saw that one. I saw all of you. Eleven faces. All of them you.
The Doctor: I said he was me. I never said he was the Doctor.
Clara: But I don’t understand.
The Doctor: My name, my real name, that is not the point. The name I chose is the Doctor. The name you choose, it’s like, it’s like a promise you make. He’s the one who broke the promise. {Clara collapses} Clara? Clara! He is my secret.
The Old Man: What I did, I did without choice.
The Doctor: I know.
The Old Man: In the name of peace and sanity.
The Doctor: But not in the name of the Doctor.
Introducing John Hurt
as The Doctor
View all quotes from The Name of the Doctor[/nextpage]