The Christmas Invasion
Mickey: Who is he? Where’s the Doctor?
Rose: That’s him. Right in front of you. That’s the Doctor.
Jackie: What’dya mean that’s The Doctor? Doctor who?
Rose: Both working.
Jackie: What do you mean both?
Rose: He’s got two hearts.
Jackie: Oh don’t be stupid. Anything else he’s got two of?
Rose: Leave him alone.
Reporter: What about those calling the Guinevere One space probe a waste of money?
PM Harriet Jones: Now that’s where you’re wrong. I completely disagree, if you don’t mind.
Rose: I must drive you mad. I’m surprised you don’t give up on me.
Mickey: Oh that’s the thing, isn’t it? You can rely on me. I don’t go changing my face.
Mickey: I can’t even go shopping with you, we get attacked by a brass band.
Jackie: I’m gonna get killed by a Christmas tree!
Daniel Llewellynn: You seem to be talking about aliens as a matter of fact.
Harriet Jones: There’s an act of Parliament banning my autobiography.
Harriet: I don’t think we’ve been introduced. Harriet Jones, Prime Minister.
Sally Jacobs: Yes, I know who you are.
Major Blake: I’m getting demands from Washington, ma’am. The president’s insisting that he take control of the situation.
Harriet: You can tell the president—and please use these exact words—he’s not my boss and he’s certainly not turning this into a war.
Harriet: I don’t suppose we’ve had a code nine? No sign of The Doctor?
Major Blake: Nothing yet. You’ve met him haven’t you? All the stuff of legend.
Harriet: He is that. Failing him, what about Torchwood?
Major Blake: How do you—
Harriet: I know I’m not supposed to know about it. I realize that. Not even the United Nations knows. But if ever there was a need for Torchwood, it’s now.
Major Blake: I can’t take responsibility.
Harriet: I can. See to it. Geto them ready.
Harriet: Ladies and gentlemen, if I may take a moment during this terrible time. It’s hardly the Queen’s speech, I’m afraid
that’s been cancelled. to someone off screen: Did we ask abouto the Royal Family? Oh. to camera They’re on the roof.
Harriet: I have one request. Doctor, if you’re outo there, we need you. I don’t know what to do. If you can hear me, Doctor,
if anyone knows the Doctor, if anyone can find him, the situation has never been more desperate. Help us. Please Doctor. Help us.
Daniel Llewellynn: What’s happening?
Harriet: I would imagine it’s called a teleport.
Harriet: Harriet Jones, Prime Minister.
Alex translating for the Sycorax: Yes, we know who you are.
Mickey: Tea. We’re having a picnic while the world comes to an end. It’s very British.
Harriet: I’m sorry, who is this?
The Doctor: I’m the Doctor.
Rose: He’s the Doctor.
Harriet: Well what happened to my Doctor?
Or is it a title that’s just passed on?
The Doctor: I’m him. I’m literally him. Same man, new face. Well. New everything.
Harriet: But you can’t be.
The Doctor: Harriet Jones. We were trapped in Downing Street and the one thing that scared you wasn’to the aliens, or the war. It was the thought of your mother being on her own.
Harriet: Oh my god.
The Doctor: Did you win the election?
Harriet: Landslide majority.
The Doctor: I can bring down your government with a single word.
Harriet: You’re the most remarkable man I’ve ever met. But I don’t think you’re quite capable of that.
The Doctor: No, you’re right. Not a single word. Just six.
Harriet: I don’t think so.
The Doctor: Six words.
Harriet: Stop it.
The Doctor: Six. to Alex: Don’t you think she looks tired?
The Runaway Bride
Racnoss: Who is this little physician?
Lance: She said martian.
The Doctor: Oh I’m sort of… homeless.
Voyage of the Damned
Overhead: Attention all passengers. The Titanic is now in orbit above Sol Three. Also known as Earth. Population: Human. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Christmas.
Captain Hardaker (Geoffrey Palmer): Now then, gentlemen. According to the traditions of the planet below, Christmas is a time of celebration. I think you might be entitled to a tot of rum. Just the one. Off you go.
Crew Member: One woman, she asked the Host to fix her necklace, it almost broke her neck. In first class!
The Doctor: You dreamt of another sky. New sun, new air, new life. A whole universe teeming with life. Why stand still when there’s all that life out there.
Astrid Peth (Kylie Minogue): So you travel alone?
The Doctor: All the time. Just for fun. Well. That’s the plan. Never quite works.
Astrid: Must be rich though.
The Doctor: Haven’t got a penny. Stowaway.
Astrid: Kidding?
The Doctor: Seriously!
Foon: Have a buffalo wing. They must be enormous, these buffalo. So many wings!
Mr. Copper: I am Mr. Copper, the ship’s historian. And I shall be taking you to Old Londontown in the country of UK. Ruled over by Good King Wenceslaus. Now human beings worshipped the great god Santa, a creature with fearsome claws, and his wife Mary. And every Christmas Eve, people of UK go to war with the country of Turkey. They then eat the Turkey people for Christmas dinner. Like savages!
The Doctor: Excuse me. Sorry, sorry. But where did you get this from?
Mr. Cooper: I have a first class degree in Earthnomics.
The Doctor: Hello there. Obvious question. But, where’s everybody gone?
Newspaper Seller (Bernard Cribbins): Oooh! Scared.
The Doctor: Right. Yes. Scared of what?
Newspaper Seller: Where’ve you been living? London. At Christmas. Not safe, is it.
The Doctor: Why?
Newspaper Seller: Well it’s them up above. Look, Christmas before last we had that big bloody spaceship, everyone standing on the roof. And then last year that Christmas star, electrocutin’ all over the place, drainin’ the Thames.
The Doctor: This place is amazing.
Newspaper Seller: This year, Lord knows what. So everybody scarpered. Gone to the country. All except me. And Her Majesty.
Midshipman Frame (Russell Tovey): That’s a bit odd, sir. The meteoroids are changing course. Still. We can put the shields up to maximum just in case.
Captain Hardaker: As you were, Midshipman.
Midshipman Frame: Sir? You’re magnetizing the hull, sir. It’s drawing the meteors in. I take it that’s deliberate. Bit of a light show… I guess.
Captain Hardaker: Something like that.
Foon: I never told you. I dialed the competition line five thousand times. That’s five thousand credits. I might as well have paid for the tickets. I’ve been hiding the phone bill for months now.
Marvin: Five thousand credits? You spent five thousand credits?
Foon: Don’t hate me!
Astrid: So you look good for nine hundred and three.
The Doctor: You should see me in the mornings.
Astrid: Okay.
The Doctor: Mr. Copper, this degree in Earthnomics, where’s it from?
Mr. Copper: Honestly?
The Doctor: Just between us.
Mr. Copper: Mrs. Golightly’s Happy Travelling University and Drycleaners.
Foon: You’re coming with me. she jumps off the ledge, taking the host with her.
The Doctor: No more.
Max Capricorn: Kill him!
The Doctor: Wait wait wait! You can’t. Come on. Not now. Max, you’ve given me so much good material. Like, how to get ahead in business. See? Head. Head. Head in business? No?
Max Capricorn: Oh, the office joker. I like a funny man. No one’s been funny with me for years.
The Doctor: I can’t see why.
News Presenter: And as dawn rises over Great Britain, it seems that this year, the city of London has escaped alien intervention. The Queen has remained in residence, in defiance of extraterrestrial attack.
Mr. Copper about Astrid: There’s not enough left. The system is too badly damaged. She’s just atoms, Doctor. An echo with a ghost of consciousness. She’s stardust.
Mr. Copper: Of all the people to survive, he’s not the one you would have chosen is he? But if you could choose, Doctor, if you could decide who lives and who dies… that would make you a monster.
Mr. Copper: You know, between you and me, I don’t even think this snow is real. I think it’s the ballast from the Titanic’s salvage entering the atmosphere.
The Doctor: Yeah. One of days it might snow for real.
The Two Doctors
Rosita: Doctor! Doctor!
The Doctor: Who me? laughs and runs toward the voice
Rosita: Doctor!
The Doctor: Don’t worry! Don’t worry! Stand back. What have we got here? Okay I’ve got it. And whatever’s behind that door I think you should get out of here.
Rosita: Doctor!
The Doctor: No no. I’m standing right here. Hello.
Rosita: Don’t be stupid! Who’re you?
The Doctor: I’m The Doctor.
Rosita: Who’re you?
The Doctor: The Doctor.
Rosita: Doctor Who?
The Doctor: Just the Doctor.
Rosita: Well there can’t be two of ya! another man comes running up Where the hell have you been?
The “New” Doctor: I’ve got it! Don’t worry! Stand back! What have we got here then?
The Doctor: Hold on. And who are you?
The “New” Doctor: I’m The Doctor! Simply The Doctor! The one, the only and the best. Rosita, get me the sonic screwdriver.
The Doctor: The what?
The “New” Doctor: Now quickly, get back to the TARDIS.
The Doctor: Back to the what?
The “New” Doctor: If you could stand back sir. This is a job for a Time Lord.
The Doctor: Job for a What-Lord? a hairy masked creature pops out
The Doctor: Oh that’s different.
The “New” Doctor: Oh that’s new.
Both: Allons-y!
The “New” Doctor: Now then! Let’s pull this timorous beastie down to earth. the rope starts taking him upward
The Doctor: Or not.
The “New” Doctor: I might be in a bit of trouble!
The Doctor to himself: Nothing changes. to The New Doctor: I’ve got you!
Rosita: You idiots!
The “New” Doctor: Perhaps if you could pull—
The Doctor: I am pulling! In this position I couldn’t not pull, could I?
The “New” Doctor: Then I suggest you let go, sir!
The Doctor: I’m not letting you out of my sight, Doctor. Don’t you recognize me?
The “New” Doctor: No. Should I? Have we met?
This is hardly the right time for me to go through my social calendar!
The “New” Doctor: You’re gamboling, sir. Now might I ask who are you exactly?
The Doctor: No. I’m just Smith. John Smith. But I’ve heard all about you Doctor. Bit of a legend if I say so myself.
The “New” Doctor: Modesty forbids me to agree with you, sir. But yes, yes I am.
The Doctor: A legend with certain memories missing. Am I right?
The “New” Doctor: How’d you know that?
The Doctor: You’ve forgotten me.
The “New” Doctor: Great swaths of my life have been stolen away. When I turn my mind to the past there’s nothing.
The Doctor: Going how far back?
The “New” Doctor: Since the Cybermen. Masters of the Hellish War Scuttler and old enemies of mine. Now at work in Londontown. You won’t believe this, Mr. Smith. but they are creatures from another world.
The Doctor feigning shock: Really? Wow!
Cyberman: The Cyberking will rise!
Miss Hartigan: The Cyberking will rise. Indeed. At our command. Now if you’ll excuse me. I have a funeral to attend.
The Doctor popping up in the door: Hello!
The “New” Doctor: How’d you get in?
The Doctor: Front door. I’m good at doors. Do you mind my asking—is that your sonic screwdriver?
The “New” Doctor holding up a wood handled screwdriver: I’d be lost without it.
The Doctor: But that’s a… screwdriver. How’s it sonic?
The “New” Doctor: Well… it makes noise. taps it on the doorframe That’s sonic, isn’t it?
The Doctor: This investigation of yours, what’s it all about?
The “New” Doctor: It started with a murder.
The Doctor: Oh. Good. The New Doctor looks at him strangely. Oy, bad.
But whose?
The “New” Doctor: Mr. Jackson Lake. Teacher of mathematics from Sussex. Came to London three weeks ago and died a terrible death.
The Doctor: Cybermen.
The “New” Doctor: It’s hard to say. His body was never found. but then it started. More secret murders. Then abductions. Children…. Stolen away in silence.
Vicar: Madame. I must protest!
Miss Hartigan: Whatever for?
Vicar: A lady at the graveside is
debatable enough but— your apparel.
Miss Hartigan: Is it too exciting?
Mr. Cole: You’re disgracing the ceremony! Just like a harlot.
Miss Hartigan: Oh, and you should know, Mr. Cole.
Mr. Cole: How do you know my name?
Miss Hartigan: You
walk past me so many times. All you good men of charity. Never once asking my name.
Mr. Skoones: It’s Miss Hartigan, isn’t it?
Miss Hartigan: Oh you noticed. I saw you looking. You cheeky boy.
Miss Hartigan: “Man that is borne of woman hath but a short time to live.” Although I’ve got some friends who might disagree with that. would you like to meet them? Hark! I can hear them now.
Mr. Skoones: You monstrous witch!
Miss Hartigan: Merry Christmas to you too.
Mr. Skoones: But why are we spared? What do you need us for?
Miss Hartigan: Your children. It’s funny, now I think of it, but in all these years not one of you has asked my first name. It’s Mercy.
The “New” Doctor: There she is! My transport through time and space. My TARDIS.
The Doctor: You’ve got a… balloon.
The “New” Doctor: TARDIS. T-A-R-D-I-S. It stands for Tethered Aerial Release Developed in Style. D’you see?
The Doctor: Well I do now. I like it. Good…. TARDIS. Brilliant. Nice one. It’s inflated by gas, yeah?
The “New” Doctor: Think of it John. Time and the space.
The Doctor: The perfect escape.
Do you ever wonder what you’re escaping from?
The “New” Doctor: With every moment.
The Doctor: Then do you want me to tell you? ‘Cause I think I’ve worked it out now. How you became The Doctor. What do you think? Do you want to know?
Jackson Lake to Rosita: The Doctor needs help. I learned that much about him. There should be someone at his side. Now go. Go!
Cyberman: You are The Doctor.
The Doctor: Hello.
Cyberman: You will be deleted.
The Doctor: No no no. Let me die happy.
Just tell me one thing. What do you need those children for?
Miss Hartigan: What are children ever needed for? They’re a workforce.
The Doctor: But for what?
Miss Hartigan: Very soon now the whole empire will see. and they will bow down. In worship.
The Doctor: And it’s all been timed for Christmas Day. Was that your idea, Miss— ?
Miss Hartigan: Hartigan. And yes. The perfect day for birth. With a new message for the people. Only this time it won’t be the words of a man.
The Doctor: The birth of what?
Miss Hartigan: A birth and a death. Namely yours. Thank you, Doctor. Glad to have been a part of your last conversation.
The Doctor: Maybe you should go back—
Rosita: Don’t even try.
Miss Hartigan: As for you, Mr. Cole, Mr. Skoones, Mr. Fitch and Mr. Milligan. Your work is done.
Miss Hartigan: That’s quite a throne. Oh, you will look resplendent.
Cyberman: The chair you designate as throne is not intended for me. My function is to serve the Cyberking. Not to become the Cyberking.
Miss Hartigan: Then who sits there? realizing No! Now just—
I think if you remember correctly you said I was to be heralded.
Cyberman: All hail the Cyberking.
Cybermen: All hail the Cyberking.
Miss Hartigan: But you promised me. You said I would never be converted.
Cyberman: That was designated a lie.
Miss Hartigan: For the love of God, have you no pity?
Cyberman: Correct.
Miss Hartigan: Behold. I am risen. Witness me, mankind. A Cyberking of all.
Miss Hartigan/Cyberking: And I will stride. I will walk across this tiny world.
Jed: Ever flown one of these before?
The Doctor: Nope. Never!
Jed: Can I have my money now?
The Doctor: Oh get on with it!
Miss Hartigan/Cyberking: Excellent. The Doctor. Yet another man come to assert himself in the middle of the night.
Jackson Lake: Ladies and Gentlemen! I know that man— that Doctor on high! And I know that he has done this deed a thousand times. But not once, no sir, not once— not ever!—has he been thanked. But no more as I say to you on this Christmas morn, “Bravo sir! Bravo!”
Jackson Lake: Tell me one thing. All those facts and figures I saw of the Doctor’s life, you were never alone. All those bright and shining companions. But not anymore?
The Doctor: No.
Jackson Lake: Might I ask why not?
The Doctor: They leave. Because they should. Or they find someone else. And some of them— some of them forget me. I suppose in the end… they break my heart.
A Christmas Carol
Captain: The ship is going down. Christmas is cancelled!
Rory: So does this mean he’s coming or does this mean I need to change the bulb?
Kazran Sardick (Michael Gambon): On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact mid-point, everybody stops and turns and hugs. As if to say, “Well done. Well done, everyone! We’re halfway out of the dark.” Back on Earth we call this Christmas. Or the Winter Solstice. On this world, the first settlers called it The Crystal Feast. You know what I call it? I call it expecting something for nothing!
Father: Sir— Mr. Sardick. We’re only asking for one day. Just, let her out for Christmas. She loves Christmas.
Sardick: Does she? Oh does she! I see. tapping on the glass. Hello! Wakey Wakey! It’s Christmas! D’you know? I think she’s a bit cool about the whole thing. laughs. That was funny.
She’s frozen.
She’s what? Sorry?
Aide: Sorry, sir. The president says there’s a galaxy-class ship trapped in the cloud layer and, well, we have to let it land.
Sardick: Or?
Aide: Well, or it’ll crash sir.
Sardick: Oh. Well that’s a kind of landing isn’t it?
Aide: It’s from Earth, sir. Registering over 4000 life forms on board.
Sardick: Not if we wait a bit.
Aide: You can’t just let it crash, sir.
Sardick: Says who?
Sardick: I don’t make the rules. Oh no, hang on. I do.
Kazran: Hello. My name is Kazran Sardick. I’m twelve-and-a-half. And this is my bedroom.
Sardick in his sleep: Top Secret Special Project
Kazran: This is my top secret special project. For my eyes only. Merry Christmas.
Elliot Sardick: You’ll be singing to them next. Like gypsies.
Kazran: Singing works! I’ve seen it. The fish like the singing.
Elliot Sardick: What does it matter what fish like?
Kazran: People say we don’t have to be afraid of the fish. They’re not interested in us.
Elliot Sardick: You don’t listen to people. You listen to me!
The Doctor: Did you ever get to see a fish? Back then, when you were a kid.
Sardick: What does that matter to you?
The Doctor: Look how it mattered to you.
Sardick: I cried all night. And I learned life’s most invaluable lesson.
The Doctor: Which is?
Sardick: Nobody comes.
Kazran: It’s all anyone ever talks about now. “The day the fish came”. Everyone’s got a story.
The Doctor: But you don’t.
Sardick: Now I remember. No Doctor! You mustn’t!
Kazran: Doctor, are you sure?
The Doctor: Trust me.
Kazran: Okay.
The Doctor: Oy! Eyes on the tie. Look at me. I wear it and I don’t care. Trust me?
Kazran: Yes.
The Doctor: That’s why it’s cool.
The Doctor: I need the number!
Kazran: I’m not allowed to know until I’m older!
Sardick: 7258!
The Doctor: Just what I was after. Thank you!
The Doctor: Hello again.
Kazran: You know her?
The Doctor: Why her? Important, is she?
Kazran: She won’t mind. She loves the fish.
Kazran: Look, the fish like the singing, okay? So shut up.
The Doctor: Okay.
Abigail: If you should ever wish to visit again.
The Doctor: Well, you know, if I’m ever in the neighborhood.
Kazran: He comes every Christmas Eve. Yeah, he does. Every time. He promises.
The Doctor: No, I don’t— .
The Doctor and Kazran: Merry Christmas!
Abigail: You are out of your mind. This will never work.
The Doctor: Oh! Don’t think shark, think dolphin.
Abigail: A shark isn’t a dolphin!
The Doctor: It’s nearly a dolphin.
Abigail: No it isn’t.
The Doctor: Well that’s where you’re wrong because… shut up.
Abigail: It could be anywhere. Will it really come?
The Doctor: No chance. Completely impossible. Except at Christmas.
Abigail: Best Christmas Eve ever!
Kazran: ‘Til the next one.
Sardick: New memories. How can I have new memories?
Kazran: Abigail, are you coming back? The Doctor is going to do a duet with Frank. Abigail. What’s wrong?
Abigail: I have something to tell you.
Kazran: A bad thing?
Abigail: A very bad thing.
Kazran: What is it?
Abigail: The truth.
Kazran: What are we going to do?
Abigail: There is nothing to be done.
Kazran: Goodnight, Abigail.
Abigail: Goodnight, Kazran.
Eliot Sardick: Another Christmas Eve, Kazran. But a very special one. It’s complete. Look at it! Sound waves. It’s simple as that. We can control the clouds, the fog, the fish.
Sardick: Why do we want to control the fish?
Eliot Sardick: People are cattle. If you want to control cattle, you need to control their predators. What’s the face for?! Look what I’m giving you. The sky. And everything beneath it. Only you and I can control this. This planet is ours.
Sardick: Excuse me, Father.
Sardick: Oh, Mr. President, we’ve been through this! It’s not going to crash on my house, so what’s it got to do with me? … Yes, I know. 4,003. As a very old friend of mine once took a very long time to explain, life isn’t fair!
Sardick: This is what the Doctor did to me. Abigail was ill when she went into the ice. On the point of death. I suppose the rest on the ice helped her. But she’s used up her time. All those Christmas Eves with me. I could release her any time I want. And she would live a single day. So tell me, Ghost of Christmas Present, how do I choose which day?
Captain: Sir, I understand you have a machine that controls this cloud layer. If you can release us from it we still have time to make a landing. Nobody has to die.
Sardick: Everybody has to die.
Amy: Not tonight.
Sardick: Tonight’s as good as any other night.
Sardick: All my life I’ve been called heartless. My other life—my real life. The one you rewrote. Now look at me.
The Doctor: Better a broken heart than no heart at all.
Sardick: Try it. You try it. Why are you here?
The Doctor: ‘Cause I’m not finished with you yet. You’ve seen the past, present. And now you need to see the future.
Sardick: Fine. Do it. Show me! I’ll die cold, alone and afraid. Of course I will. We all do. What difference does showing me make? Do you know why I’m going to let those people die? [Not a plan]. I don’t get anything from it. It’s just that I don’t care. I’m not like you. I don’t even want to be like you. I don’t and never ever will care.
Abigail: We’ve had so many Christmas Eves, Kazran. I think it’s time for Christmas Day.
Pilot: We’re flying normally.
Captain: Can you land?
Pilot: I can even land well.
The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe
Madge Arwel (Claire Skinner): Are you alright? Are you hurt? Did you fall? {she looks up} Where did you fall from?
The Doctor: Helmet.
Madge: Alright. Just, just let me…. I don’t want to hurt you. {she flips up the visor} Oh!
The Doctor: I can’t see. I’m blind!
Madge: Oh no, love. No. I think you’ve just got your helmet on backwards. How did you manage that?
The Doctor: I got dressed in a hurry.
Madge: Cyril, what are you doing awake?
Lily (Holly Earl): It’s the moon’s fault apparently. It’s too interesting.
Cyril (Maurice Cole): It’s astronomy.
Lily: Don’t make up words. He’s always making up things and breathing.
Madge: Where’s your father?
Cyril: He’s in the garden.
Madge: What’s he doing in the garden?
Cyril: Agriculture.
Lily from the other room: You’re not fooling anyone.
Madge: Listen, Cyril, tell him that I’ve borrowed Mr. Goldsmith’s car. That I’ve found a spaceman in a field—possibly an angel—but he’s injured and I can’t get his helmet off. So I’m having to take him into town to find a police telephone box. Alright?
Cyril: Alright.
Madge: Good boy!
Reg (Alexander Armstrong): Was that your mother? Where’s she going?
Cyril: Out.
The Doctor: We seem to bump into a lot of things.
Madge: Well a lot of things get in the way. It’s hardly my fault.
Madge: It’s Christmas Eve. No one should be alone at Christmas.
Madge: What are you reading? Not the war again. If people keep reading about the war then it will actually happen. And then where will you be?
Three Years Later
Co-pilot: What’ll I tell Anderson?
Reg: Tell him… tell him… Tell him we’re going home for Christmas.
Co-pilot: Yes sir.
Reg: Sorry, my love.
Cyril: When’s Father coming back?
Lily: For Christmas like he always does.
Christmas Eve
Cyril: Is it haunted?
Lily: Is it drafty?
Cyril: But why do we have to come here?
Lily: Because of the bombing, stupid.
Cyril: I like the bombing. It’s exciting.
Lily: Will Father be here? He will be, won’t he? You said he’d meet us at the house.
Madge: He’ll be here! Of course he will. You don’t need to keep asking about it.
Madge: Why are you doing all this?
The Doctor: I’m just trying to take care of things. I’m the caretaker.
Madge: That’s not what caretakers do.
The Doctor: Then why are they called caretakers?
Madge: Their father’s dead.
The Doctor: I’m sorry.
Madge: Lily and Cyril’s father—my husband—is dead and they don’t know yet because if I tell them now then Christmas will always be what took their father away from them, and no one should have to live like that. Of course when the Christmas period is over I shall… I don’t know why I keep shouting at them.
The Doctor: Because every time you see them happy you remember how sad they’re going to be. And it breaks your heart. Because what’s the point in them being happy now if they’re going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they a re going to be sad later.
Madge: That man is quite ridiculous. You must stay away from him.
Lily: I like him.
Cyril: I like him too.
Droxil: Please say we can tell the difference between wool and sidearms.
Ven-Garr: We can tell the difference, sir.
Droxil: Can we?
Ven-Garr: Not with wool, sir. no.
Droxil: Do you understand what is about to happen in this forest?
Madge: I was just—
Billis: Sir, I think she’s a time traveller.
Droxil: And we’re sure it’s not her cardigan?
Lily: We should go. We have to get out of here.
The Doctor: Except.
Lily: Except Cyril’s here.
The Doctor: So let’s find Cyril.
Droxil: Mum, please stop crying. I can’t interrogate you while you’re crying. This is a military engagement! There’s no crying in military engagements!
Billis: Sir, with regret, I’m going to have to lower my gun.
Droxil: Why?
Billis: She is a crying, unarmed, female civilian. I’m thinking of the visual.
Droxil: Nobody’s looking!
Billis: Doesn’t mean there’s no visual.
Droxil: That’s exactly what “nobody’s looking” means! It means there’s no visual.
Droxil: We’re from Andrezani Major. The year is 5345 and we mean you no harm. Where are you from?
Madge: England. 1941. {she pulls a gun on them} And there’s a war on. Crying’s ever so useful, isn’t it?
Droxil: If you say so. But there’s nothing you could say to convince me you’d ever use that gun.
Madge: Oh really? Well I’m looking for my children.
Lily: What is that?
The Doctor: Life force. Pure life force. Just… singing.
Lily: Beautiful. Doesn’t it make you want to cry.
The Doctor: Crying when you’re happy. Ah, good for you. That’s so human.
Droxil: This forest is about to be harvested.
Madge: Harvested?
Droxil: Andrezani trees. Greatest fuel source ever. The entire area is being melted down for battery fluid.
Madge: Melted down? How do you melt a forest?
Droxil: Acid rain. The satellites are in position. Anyone still out there in five minutes is going to burn.
Cyril: They’re evacuating.
The Doctor: Why?
Cyril: They’re frightened of the rain. The rain that burns.
Lily: Caretaker, please explain. I’m frightened.
The Doctor: Those stars, they’re pure life force. Souls, if you like. And they’re trying to escape. Because they think their home is going to burn.
Lily: Why can’t they just float up into the sky?
The Doctor: They need to travel inside a living thing. inside Cyril. You see this is not a crown. It’s a relay. They’re turning your brother into a lifeboat.
Wooden Queen: Your coming was foretold.
Lily: Oh my god! What is that? Why does he sound like that?
The Doctor: Oh hello. Are we lip syncing now?
Wooden Queen: We had faith. Your coming was foretold.
The Doctor: There’s no such thing as foretelling. Trust a time traveller.
Madge: Caretaker!
The Doctor: Yes?
Madge: You’re fired!
The Doctor: Madge? Can you hear me?
Madge: Yes I can hear you. I’m perfectly fine, thank you.
The Doctor: Fine? You’ve got a whole world inside your head!
Madge: I know! It’s funny, isn’t it? One can’t imagine being a forest, then suddenly one can! How remarkable.
The Doctor: Your mind is controlling this vessel. You can fly us all back for Christmas.
Madge: My head is full of trees, caretaker. Can’t you fly us home?
Madge: Not the night he died! I don’t want to see him die!
Lily: What did you mean, watch him die? Where’s Father? Where’s Daddy?
The Doctor: I imagine you’d prefer to be alone.
Madge: I don’t imagine anyone would prefer that. Stay close, caretaker.
The Doctor: I’ll be right outside.
Madge: Of course. It’s you, isn’t it! My spaceman angel with his head on backwards.
The Doctor: How do I look? The right-way around.
Madge: Funnier.
The Doctor: Okay.
Madge: So you came back.
The Doctor: Well, you were there for me when I had a bad day. Always like to return a favor. Got a bit clinchy in the middle there, but it sort of worked out in the end. The story of my life.
Madge: Thank you.
The Doctor: You did it all yourself, Madge Arwel. But thanks for thanking me.
Madge: Oh, Caretaker. What if I require you again?
The Doctor: Make a wish.
Reg: What the hell was that?
Madge: That was just the Caretaker returning to the time vortex. It’s a lovely place. I’ve been there myself.