Mr. Fleck (Steve Higgins): You get called geeks. You get cleaned out. Girls don’t even look at ya— Bill: I thought this was supposed to make us feel better. Mr. Fleck: Hold on, Cool Breeze. It gets better. “What? I’m accepted at a Ivy League college?” “Hey, chicks did smart guys. Who knew.” “Woah. Look […]
Mrs. Weir: So I hear something very exciting is happening this week at school. Cindy: That’s right. Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush is coming to our school to speak at an assembly in the cafeteria. Mr. Weir: You know, everyone’s a Democrat until they get a little money. Then they come to their senses. Ken: […]
Nick: Those drums were my personal property. Mr. Andopolis (Kevin Tighe): Your only personal property is your future. Nick: Maybe the drums were my future. Why don’t you think about that. Mr. Andopolis: End of conversation. Ken: Grateful Dead. Music sucks. Chicks are hot. Lindsay: Dad, give me one good reason why a woman can’t be president. […]
Sam: Bill, that is not sexy. Bill: Yes it is! Neal: Bill, it look like you’re having a seizure. Bill: Sam, come on. Shake it, you won’t break it. {Neal stops the music}. You cut me off mid-funk. Neal: I’ve discovered something that will change our lives. It brings power, respect and money. And it’s […]
Mr. Weir: Sure Lindsay. You can see The Who. And you can go see The Rolling Stones at Altamont too. Ken: I always say, girl plus car equals dead animal. Lindsay: Are you copying Ken’s homework? Kim: Trying to. He writes like a mental patient. Neal: He’s a gym teacher. There’s no upward mobility. Mr. […]
Pilot Episode Jeff Rosso (Dave “Gruber” Allen): So what’s going on here? Lindsay: All I… I was trying to do something nice in a stupid school where nothing nice ever happens. But instead Eli broke his arm. Now I feel like the biggest idiot in the world. Mr. Rosso: No. Why aren’t you taking part […]
Pilot Episode Jean Weir (Becky Ann Baker): You know, I ran into Mrs. Patten today at Farmer Jack. And she said that she saw you smoking. Lindsay: Well she’s crazy. Mom, I can’t believe you. You seriously think I would start smoking? Harold Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know, I had a friend that used to […]
Pilot Episode Jean Weir (Becky Ann Baker): You know, I ran into Mrs. Patten today at Farmer Jack. And she said that she saw you smoking. Lindsay: Well she’s crazy. Mom, I can’t believe you. You seriously think I would start smoking? Harold Weir (Joe Flaherty): You know, I had a friend that used to […]
Pilot Episode Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot’s the severed head. Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That’s my shirt. Daniel: Yeah so, […]
Pilot Episode Sam: Why does my mom always put a note in my lunch? It’s so embarassing. Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr): At least your mom doesn’t write the note on the bag. Sam: Are you guys going to the Homecoming Dance? Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine): Mmm, no. Bill: I really don’t see that happening. Sam: […]
Pilot Episode Alan White: Sam Weir. You really like Bill Murray, don’t you? Sam Weir (John Francis Daley): Yeah, he’s great. Alan: Bill Murray sucks, man. Sam: No he doesn’t. He’s cool. Alan: Oh really? What is he, your boyfriend? Sam Queer. It’s fighting time, Weir. Sam: Leave me alone, Alan. Alan: I’m sorry, I […]
Pilot Episode Alan White: Sam Weir. You really like Bill Murray, don’t you? Sam Weir (John Francis Daley): Yeah, he’s great. Alan: Bill Murray sucks, man. Sam: No he doesn’t. He’s cool. Alan: Oh really? What is he, your boyfriend? Sam Queer. It’s fighting time, Weir. Sam: Leave me alone, Alan. Alan: I’m sorry, I […]
Pilot Episode Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel): Hey, I believe in God, man. I’ve seen him, I’ve felt his power. He plays drums for Led Zeppelin and his name is John Bonham, baby! Daniel: You guys know Lindsay? Lindsay: Hi. Nick: You were in my english class last year, right? You were the chick that got […]
Pilot Episode Sam: You really think Cindy likes me? Bill: Hello. The jacket. Neal (Samm Levine): No way. We’re not her species. Sam: Listen, just do me a favor. Ask around, see if she has a date for the dance. Bill: Who should I ask? Neal: Okay. The dance is tomorrow. She’s a cheerleader. You’ve seen […]
Pilot Episode Sam: Leave me alone, Alan. Alan: I’m sorry, I don’t speak geek. I always wanted to know what it’d be like to fight a girl. Lindsay (Linda Cardellini): I’m a girl. Wanna see what it’d be like to fight me? Alan: Weir’s sister has to protect him? Lindsay: I’m not protecting him. I’m […]
Pilot Episode Kim (Busy Philipps): I’m cutting. Who’s got gum? Ken offers her a piece. Oh yeah, that’s real great. Why don’t you blow your nose in some bread and make me a sandwich too. Ken: Why is everyone crawling up my butt today? Beers and Weirs Kim: No, what you gotta do is look for […]
Pilot Episode Daniel Desario (James Franco): Oh man, you wanna hear something way messed up? You know that Molly Hatchet shirt I was wearing the other day? You know the one with that executioner guy holding that bloody axe, under his foot’s the severed head. Ken (Seth Rogen): Yeah. That’s my shirt. Girl: Ow! Don’t […]
Nick: You know, I always noticed that the day after we have Salisbury Steak, we always have hamburgers. But then the day after that we always have meatball heroes. And a few days after that we have meatloaf. So is it the same meat? Are you guys recycling the meat? Lunchlady: It’s different meat. Nick: […]
Sam: Your dad’s the coolest. Mr. Schweiber (Sam McMurray): I heard that! Neal: Yeah. Lindsay: Hey, at least she knows how to play an instrument. Ken: That’s not playing an instrument. That’s like blowing into a toilet. Lindsay: Sounds better than your singing. Ken: Lindsay, here’s an idea: how about you break up our band […]
Ken: We’re gonna blow the roof off his garage in the most rock-tagious way. Neal: I hate being in school after it’s out. Makes me feel like a janitor. Sam: What’s so great about him anyway? Neal: It’s the hair. Mr. Weir: I could call the police. Do you know that? I could call the […]
Mrs. Weir: “I’m sick of living in this claustrophobic suburban world—
Mr. Weir: Oh, get used to it.
Mrs. Weir: “—where everyone is trying to fit in. I feel like I lived in a world of scared robots. Obviously this is terrible, but two of the worst ones are mom and dad.” […]