Professor Jake Macklin: Sex. Think back to your last sexual encounter. A month ago. This morning. Were you with a lover? A stranger? Were you by yourself? How did it make you feel? Excited? Guilty? Insatiable? Blissful? Discontented? Welcome to Sexual Behavior and the Human Condition. I’m Jake Macklin. and you are the lucky eleven—twelve—students who have been selected to participate in this seminar.
What you’re going to study is you. Who you are sexually. And who you are as a human being. This classroom will be a forum for exploration and personal revelations. I’m going to give you a camera to create a video diary. Every week I’ll ask you to think about a specific topic. Since the most important element of the diary is truth whether you share what you’ve recorded with the class is up to you.
Your assignment for this week: Look into your sexual past. Whether you’re a virgin, whether you’re very experienced, or whether you’re someplace in between. How does your past influence your present, your future? If there was something about your sexual history you could change, what would it be? Sex. It’s mysterious, it’s serious. It’s God’s greatest gift, it’s God’s greatest curse.
Sarah Gregory: Owen, you can’t be in this class.
Owen Gregory: So Sarah I have to drop out of the most popular and toughest to get into elective at Bedford because—
Sarah: I really don’t want to hear about your sexual escapades.
Richard Thorne: One of my reporters is doing a piece on you.
Professor Sean Dixon: Oh really? No one’s contacted me.
Richard: Well the article is about a relationship you had last semester with one of your female students.
Dixon: Huh. So this is a fiction piece.
Dixon: You concocted this, didn’t you? Because I failed you.
Richard: Is that your statement?
Dixon: You drunken rich brat.
Richard: Drunken. Yeah, at the time. Rich, not my fault. Brat, maybe.
Natalie Dykstra: Do you remember in the news a few years back, a rash of suicides at Bedford. Students jumping off the roof of Levinson Hall?
Owen: Uh, yeah. Vaguely.
Natalie: I was one of them. Only one who lived, anyway.
Lee Henry Wade: I think we’re supposed to talk about our feelings, not have sex on camera.
Zoe: Are you gay?
Lee: No. I have a girlfriend.
Zoe: Oh that’s cool. Very retro.
Sarah: I think it’s time the student government treasurer audits the Bugle’s budget.
Richard: You go right ahead. That’ll make a nice side bar: “President Threatens Editor”.
Sarah: You know, I liked you better when you were drinking.
Professor Carla Bonatelle: The board of trustees is looking over my shoulder making sure that I’m looking over your shoulder so that we don’t have a repeat of last year’s incident with the porn stars.
Macklin: Relax. Enjoy yourself. The guy’s an expert in linguistics. It’s all in the tongue, right?
Zoe: How’s your video diary coming along? You getting inspired?
Lee: Um, yeah. Kind of.
Zoe: I’m having a lot of fun with mine. A salute to the Kama Sutra a la Cirque de Soleil.
Owen: Hey.
Owen’s Roommate: Hey. Do you want me to reupholster your chair?
Owen: Why does Olive have to put her name on a yogurt? rips it off. That’s stupid.
Owen: Sarah, this is the exact same conversation I had with mom on the way over here.
Sarah: Well “the sister is the mother to the son of the father.” Kirkegaard. Or Jon Stewart. Someone.
Owen: Oh, double negative. That’s always a positive sign.
Richard: I don’t drink anymore. I don’t do drugs anymore. And I never liked to dance.
Stepmom: That’s because you don’t know how.
Richard: Oh I know how people dance. I just don’t know why.
Richard: I see this dump has maintained its hallowed tradition of accepting out-of-state library cards as IDs.
Richard: My sexual past: When you down enough Maker’s Mark, what you did the night before begins to take on the quality of a PBS murder mystery.
Sarah: Sean was right about you. You’re a son of a bitch.
Richard: That’s not fair. You’ve never met my mother. She’s quite lovely.
Richard: You are completely bi-polar. Last night you sidled up next to me and said I could publish anything I wanted.
Sarah: Did you do this to bait me?
Richard: Do you think I stay up nights thinking of ways to get you into my office?
Sarah: Friends or enemies, Richard. It’s going to be a long year.
Richard: Looking forward to it.
Announcer: Wait a minute, there were no streakers in the 1972 campus riots. Security, remove the streaker!
Macklin getting a look from Bonatelle: What? What are you looking at me for?