three months earlier
Deckey (Daniel Kerr): Why are you in such a hurry? This place is friggin’ mint.
Alex: I told ya. I’m meeting someone.
Deckey: Ah. So that’s why you’re dressed like a girl. You know Ryan says this fella must be a right munter.
Alex: Well actually, he’s dead handsome, has all his own teeth, and speaks really nicely. Whereas Ryan’s last girlfriend looks like Chris Moyles.
Dickey: But hang on, if you’re going out tonight who’s going to make us dinner and do the washing up?
Alex: I just want one night to myself, all right? It’s my holiday too. Right let’s go, Deckey.
Deckey: Oh just one go, please?
Alex: We’ll come back tomorrow. Okay? We’ve got loads of time.
Deckey: Promise?
Alex: Cross my heart and hope to die.
Alex: Well, what am I supposed to do? I can’t eat, I can’t sleep.
Tom: What did you do before?
Alex: Um, looked after my brothers, went out on the piss with me mates, got off with inappropriate people—no offense.
Alex: Oo! Diagnosis Murder is on. {she’s disappears}
Patsy (Claire Cage): Now I know we’ve all been down in the dumps lately what with things getting a bit… suicide-y. But one of the guests has given me the perfect idea to perk us up. As of today, I’m going to be watching you all like a hawk, and whoever impresses me most… {she trails off as she sees Hal}
Hal: You do realize you’ve stopped speaking.
Patsy: Will be named employee of the month!
Tom: You know when I transform, I should drag you around on a piece of string in the woods. {pause} I’m saying you’re a chicken.
Hal: Thank you. I got the analogy.
Alex: I think the house is haunted.
Hal: Alex, there’s no easy way to say this.
Alex: No, not me, idiot. There’s another one, you have to come home.
Hal: Who the hell is that?
Alex: I don’t know.
Tom: What’s he doing here?
Alex: I don’t know!
Hal: Well what does he want?
Alex: I don’t know! But maybe if you keep asking me I’ll magically find out.
Alex: How do you know my name?
Oliver (Ben Greaves-Neal): Because I’ve been watching you.
Alex: All right good. ‘Cos I thought it’d be something creepy.
Oliver: And hiding outside are Hal and Tom. The vampire and the werewolf. {they come in} Hello!
Alex: And you are?
Oliver: Oliver Fitzwilliam Pryor, at your service.
Alex: And what are you doing here?
Oliver: Playing soldiers, you great ninny.
Hal: Hiding? From what?
Oliver: From the monster of course. The Men with Sticks and Rope.
Tom: Men with what and what?
Oliver: Sticks and rope, McNair. Guardians of the afterlife. Ghastly things.
Hal: But they can’t cross over to this plane. They only exist on the other side of the doors.
Oliver: I thought it best to keep a low profile nonetheless.
Oliver: What did happen to your hair by the way? Some sort of industrial accident?
Alex: How can he have been living here so long and we never knew?
Hal: More to the point, what are we going to do with him? It’s not like we can hand him over to social services.
Tom: No, it’s down to us.
Alex: Oh, piss right off.
Tom: What? You’re dead good with kids. You’re always talking about your brothers.
Alex: Yeah, but… Little Lord Fauntleroy there is not one of my brothers.
Tom: We don’t want you getting poorly now, do we?
Alex: He’s been dead for a hundred years. How much more poorly can he get? {he coughs} No, that is a classic “I want the day off school” cough. I’ve heard it a thousand times.
Oliver: Thank you all. You’ve been so very kind. And if I don’t make it, please… don’t forget me.
Alex: You know Decky used to look up symptoms online all the time except he could never be bothered looking up the diagnosis. {Hal and Tom quietly leave} There was this one time he said he couldn’t go to school because he’d just started the menopause. Oh you two are so getting a slap.
Alex: So what do you want to do then? Play some football? Climb some trees?
Oliver: What kind of low-born ruffian do you take me for?
Alex: TV it is.
Patsy: Nice of you to pop by. Nice of you to join us.
Hal: Uh, sorry Patsy. We were called away to deal with a domestic emergency.
Patsy: No, Hal, I see what you’re doing. It’s very noble of you to try and take the bullet, but I’ve got the smoking gun. I saw him on the security cam, sauntering up, bold as brass. On his own. Not good enough, Thomas. You need to pull your socks up. {she leaves}
Hal: Oh come on, that’s funny. You’ve got to admit. Tom!
Tom: Imagine having “Employee of the Month” written on your CV. Imagine having a CV.
Hal: You can have a CV. I’ll type you up a CV as soon as I’m done disinfecting the keyboard.
Hal: What’s all this in aid of?
Alex: Don’t you like a party? Who doesn’t like a party? Everybody likes a party. It’s the fucking law.
Tom: Everyone deserves to have a fuss made of them when they’re little.
Alex: Okay then. Okay well then, it’s agreed. Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1899. Ye ha! You’re not yay-ing, Hal.
Hal: Yay.
Oliver: All right, who’s first? Eeny-meeny, miney-mo, catch a ni-
Everyone: NO!
Oliver: Never have I met a less ladylike lady. You can’t dance, you can’t conjugate Latin verbs. And your madrigal singing is subpar at best!
Alex: Right. That’s it. Naughty step for you.
Alex: Oh my god. Dead Victorian kids are so annoying.
Alex: Right. I’ve had enough. He can’t play football, he thinks TV is vulgar, and do not even get me started on the racism.
Crumb (Colin Hoult): So what’s the mission? What’s the SP?
Rook (Steven Robertson): That’s for you to decide. It’s all about instinct. Reading the room, gauging the situation. Making a judgment call.
Crumb: Making a situation. Reading the instincts. I getcha! I getcha!
Rook: We don’t really do badges. I mean it’s undercover work and a badge would rather give the game away.
Crumb: That makes total sense! You’re smart. You’re very smart.
Rook: Instead. You get this pen. This very special pen.
Crumb: Does it shoot poison gas? Or pellets? or poison gas pellets?
Rook: No. It’s essentially a pen.
Alan (Hamza Jeetooa): Sorry, I need to speak to you.
Rook: For god’s sake, Alan, what is it?!
Alan: She’s brought her daughter.
Alex: Now, a customer comes in, you ignore them. If they ask you a question, you shrug. They ask you again, you tut.
Hal: Tut?
Alex: Try and work in an eye roll as well.
Hal: This is barbaric.
Alex: Welcome to the British service industry.
Alex: What in the name of Little Baby Cheeses are you doing?
Oliver: It’s part of my routine. Just because one is dead doesn’t mean one shouldn’t let standards drop.
Oliver: Why all these questions?
Alex: I just want to get to know you. How you lived. How you died…
Oliver: How I died?
Alex: Oh, great idea. Let’s start with that one. So how did you die?
Oliver: That’s a very personal question.
Alex: You said that you were hiding from The Men with Sticks and Rope. What do they want with you?
Oliver: They want every ghost, who hasn’t passed over properly.
Alex: They’ve not come looking for me. So you must be special. So why is that then?
Oliver: If I tell you, you’ll hate me. {the room goes haywire}
Alex: Of course I’m not going to hate you. What is it? What are you hiding? Oliver!
Oliver: I did a terrible thing. I killed my brother.
Alex: What happened to Albert, Oliver, wasn’t your fault. Just as what happened to me wasn’t mine.
Oliver: Do you really believe that?
Alex: Neither of us asked for this. We have both had to pay the biggest price imaginable for things that, for things that we can’t even control. But what’s done is done and we have to look forward now. Or else eternity’s going to seem like a very long time.
Rook: After everything I’ve done… after all I’ve sacrificed!
Frith (Toby Whithouse): Oh for gods sake, grow up. You think you’re the only one losing funding? Losing a job? I have to oversee this, I have to implement it. And if I don’t, I lose my job. And that, my friend, is not an option.
Hal: Wasn’t Rook supposed to be taking care of you?
Crumb: Yeah, yeah no. Yeah, that I was but that’s sort of finished now. I got a bit confused and I did some really bad things! And now I feel like I’m on the verge, not just of doing more bad things but of not caring. And the last bit of me, the last crumb of Crumb, he wants you to stop it. To save him.
Hal: Listen to me, listen to me. You stay away, because I will kill you. you are nothing to me now. You are sediment, you are detritus, you are regret and disgust. Nothing more. So stay away! I have killed men and women and children, so just think how easy it will be to kill you.
Crumb: Well that’s something we have in common then.
Hal: You stay away! No more warnings!
Tom: There’s nothing you won’t do to beat me, is there? Well it don’t matter how far you are up Patsy’s bum, I’m going to win this competition.
Hal: If only you could. I’ve been trying to throw the bloody thing all day, but no matter how shit I try to be, you find a way of being shitter. What’s your secret? No, really, I’m dying to know.
Oliver: Should we pop in? Surprise them?
Alex: They’re working, they’ll be really grumpy. Yeah, come on.
Alex: Boo!
Oliver: Did we scare you?
Alex: What’s wrong with him?
Hal: Nothing a silver bullet wouldn’t cure.
Captain Hatch (Phil Davis) grabbing Oliver: Get her back to the house!
Oliver: Alex, I want to go home.
Alex: Yeah, good call. We’ll see you guys back at the house.
Oliver: There’s something I need to tell you. About why I’m here.
Alex: What is it?
Oliver: I’m sorry Alex.
Alex: What’s going on?
Oliver: We need to get out of here. What’s wrong?
Alex: I can’t rent-a-ghost. Right, it’s okay. We’re just going to have to do this the old-fashioned way, all right?
Oliver: This isn’t fair! I didn’t agree to this!
Alex: I’ll look after you. Whatever happens, I promise you. Okay?
Albert: I just want to play. Please Oliver. I’ve been looking for you everywhere. Why do you keep running away from me?
Alex: Open the door.
Oliver: What?
Alex: Oliver, you can’t keep hiding. You have to talk to him. You have to face him.
Oliver: I didn’t make it happen?
Alex: I think that’s what Albert’s been trying to tell you all this time. I think that’s why he’s been looking for you. Come on. Open the door.
Oliver: I’m sorry, Albert. I’m so sorry.
Alex: Go with him. It’s okay.
Oliver: Thank you.
Alex: I don’t understand. We’re back in the attic.
Leader (Martin Hancock): Give him to us.
Alex: Not gonna happen.
Leader: One of you is coming with us.
Alex: Well take me.
Leader: You would take his place in Hell?
Alex: He’s just a kid!
Oliver: Alex.
Alex: No. No. I promised you that I would look after you, okay? This is just what big sisters do. Right. Now when Hal and Tom get back tell them exactly what happened. Tell them that this was my choice, okay? Have you got that? Okay. Let’s do this.
Oliver: No. This is what they wanted. It was a trap. The whole thing was a trap. That’s why they sent me here!
Leader: So. You want to play with us, little girl.
Alex: Oliver… somebody needs you.
Oliver: I can’t just leave you!
Alex: Oliver, just go.
Alex: And remember to close the door!
Alex: How you going to get back, eh? How long do you think you can survive in this world? Not long I reckon. Slash hope. Okay, any time you want to start bursting into flames or whatever you do, just… feel free.
Leader: You’re too late. The end has begun. Night will fall. And he will rise.
Patsy: He may look like someone’s pulled a monkey from a tree and shaved it, but that’s how he pulls people in to his theater of lies.
Hal: You’ve met Tom, haven’t you? I mean you’ve spoken to him.
Patsy: This whole experience has been incredibly stressful so if you wanted to, to give me a back rub that would be fine.
Hal: Now you listen to me, if you want this place to be a success then Tom McNair is exactly the employee you need. The problem with you, Patsy, is that you are an inveterate snob. You’d rather reward someone who is well-spoken and disinterested than someone who is a little rough around the edges but utterly committed. Now that is not an environment I wish to work in, so if he goes I go.
Tom: Well that was stupid. Now none of us have got a job.
Hal: I think the phrase you’re looking for is “Thank you.”
Hal: What is it? What’s wrong?
Tom: Where’s Oliver?
Alex: He’s gone.
Alan: Mr. Crumb.
Crumb: Sent you to find me, did he?
Alan: No. I’m not part of that world anymore.
Crumb: I’d run along if I were you. I haven’t had my tea.
Alan: That’s why I wanted to see you, Mr. Crumb. My work with the department has compromised me. I’ve got very little humanity left to lose now. I want you to recruit me.
Alex: Time to say goodbye.
Hal: Of course. I mean, it’s what we expected.
Alex: Not to you, you idiot. To them. To this. They’ve started rebuilding their world. As the distance gets greater and greater they’re just going to get stronger and stronger. To watch that happen would be like slowly dying again. I’ve got to move on as much as they do. Come on. Let’s, let’s go home.
Alex: One thing I don’t understand. Okay, I get the fact that the Men with Sticks and Rope are after me, ’cause that’s just what they do. They go after ghosts that haven’t moved on. But I thought they couldn’t cross into this plane.
Hal: They can’t. Not in their true form.
Alex: Well they managed to somehow. There was something else as well, before they left he said “He will rise.” What does that mean? Who, who will rise?
Hal: It’s as if something’s changing. It’s as if the barriers between the worlds are becoming weaker.
Tom: And that’s not good, is it?
Hal: No. It is very not good.
Captain Hatch: You made the right decision. It’s gonna be all hands on deck, because um… come here sweetheart. Your blood pressure’s about to go through the roof. But that’s modern living for you. The stress.
Captain Hatch: Best part of a century I’ve waited for this. Stuck in this chair. In this body. And now here they are. A vampire and a werewolf, under the same roof. It’s as if someone smuggled in a file in a cake. And all I have to do is stir them up a bit, and wait for the power to rise and carry me out of here on a great wave. Trinity though. Don’t like that. The ghost will have to go. I’ll think of something. I’m getting stronger every day. And when the time is right I will rise. And then I’m going to drain the world dry. I’m going to laugh up every drop of hope and love and feel it run down my chin. I’m going to turn men into beasts and ruin their women and spit poison into their children. I’m going to scorch the earth with proper Old Testament despair and teach them that the gods are there to be feared and everything you love will die and everything you’re scared of will come true.