Tom: Annie’s made a rota.
Hal: I already have a rota.
Tom: Seven am I feed the baby. Eight am you walk the baby. There’s a task for every hour and it’s color-coded.
Hal: With little pictures of nappies and bottles.
And glitter. She’s planned every moment of every minute of every day of our lives.
Tom: We must destroy this.
Alfie Kirby (James Lance): Hal, Tom, Annie. It’s me. It’s Alfie Kirby. Weren’t you told? Nina sent me.
Annie: Nina?
Kirby: Yeah. Isn’t she great? So tiny yet so loud.
Kirby: Nina told me to help. Said you were doing great, Annie, but thought you could do with an extra pair of hands.
Hal: He doesn’t have a burn.
Annie: But why would she send you?
Kirby: I was a nursery teacher before I crocked it.
Annie: But why didn’t she come herself?
Kirby: Well she can’t. Werewolves can’t be ghosts. That would really mess things up.
Tom: That don’t make no sense.
Kirby: Neither did the lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody, but I didn’t make them up either. {Tom looks unimpressed}.
Hal: Sorry about the mess.
Kirby: I don’t think it’s too bad.
Hal: Thank you.
Kirby: For a war zone.
Annie: I’m traumatizing her. I mean she’s meant to be the savior, but instead she’s going to end up pregnant at thirteen, on drugs and knifing pensioners outside the Quasar Centre.
Kirby: The rest of the house is fab. Although I wasn’t sure about the knife in the wall downstairs.
Annie: Oh. Yeah. No, that was me. A vampire got in and tried to hurt Eve so I, you know {mimes the Psycho knifing}.
Kirby: You can be quite scary.
Annie: Yeah, new mum. What can I say.
Kirby: She’s got you well-trained.
Tom: Eh?
Kirby: The way she talks to you. That’s women, eh? You’re great not to let it get to you.
Tom: I suppose.
Kirby: Must be lovely being you. Always the cleverest and the oldest and never forget anything for hundreds of years.
Hal: No. It’s terrible.
Annie: What are you up to?
Kirby: Just a spot of tidying.
Annie: Oh, gosh, you don’t have to do that!
Kirby: I’m just trying to help. Tom said you could get all twisted if things aren’t done your way.
Annie: He said what?
Kirby: Oh! No, forget I said that. Sorry. That was just me and my big mouth.
Kirby: I don’t mean to cause any trouble between you guys.
Annie: Oh, and you can’t. Not with my rota. We’re a well-oiled machine.
Tom: Is it true then, about werewolves never coming back?
Kirby: Why? Were you hoping?
Tom: No. No, I’m doing fine without him. I’m doing great.
Kirby: Did you never get a card or a present or anything?
Tom: I’d get a cupcake and a four-inch skinning knife. Or a stake and a sparkler. Or a crucifix and a banana muffin.
Kirby: When’s your birthday?
Tom: Tomorrow.
Kirby: Tomorrow?
Tom: Yeah, like I said it don’t matter.
Kirby: How old are you going to be?
Tom: Twenty-one.
Hal: Annie’s getting hysterical downstairs and I’m not enjoying it.
Dr. North (Angus Wright): Where’s the mother?
Kirby: At work.
Tom: Yeah, she’s a barrister. Dead classy. We’re a real power couple. We have dinner parties and we’re probably going to get a labrador.
Dr. North: Is everything all right here? Because you seem rather odd.
Hal: When you said “rather odd,” what were you implying?
Dr. North: That he’s a half-wit.
Tom: That’s not very nice.
Dr. North: I had no idea you were gay. Most of the gay couples I know have taste.
Annie: It’s rented.
Hal: It’s peculiar though, isn’t it? Dead GP outside our house. On the day you arrive.
Kirby: Well you’re the expert when it comes to sudden mysterious deaths.
Kirby: You see you might have gotten used to what you are, but someone else hearing all that for the first time. I don’t know, Hal, I just think that they might find it quite disturbing. Chances are you’d be out on your ear. And then what would happen? Eh? Lock up your daughters!
Hal: What do you want?
Kirby: Be nice to me. Help Annie like me.
Hal: She already likes you.
Kirby: Yeah, I know. But really like me. I think she’s smashing, but she won’t let me help with the baby. And that makes me feel like she doesn’t trust me.
Hal: She’s a good judge of people.
Kirby: Yeah. Huh. Except she trusts you so she’s not that good, is she?
Annie: I just want something good for a change, you know? Something uncomplicated.
Hal: And you think that’s what Kirby is?
Annie: I didn’t say that. But… yes. Yes, I guess so. Well he is compared to…
Hal: The paper said the box tunnel murderer’s stomach contained flesh.
Annie: It said what?
Hal: Doctor Wilson. Why did you lie?
Dr. Wilson (Lucy Robinson): It’s true. It’s what I found.
Hal: Jason Healy was set up by the police. He wasn’t even on that train, let alone eating its passengers.
Hal: Annie’s upset with me.
Kirby: I saw! Yeah, sorry mate. Still. On the plus side, she’s very friendly with me.
Hal: She thinks I said something to Tom. But I didn’t. So you must have. He was my friend.
Kirby: You don’t have any friends.
Hal: Well he could have been.
Kirby: He was totally out of control! He was a monster!
Annie: Hal.
Hal: Yes?
Annie: You have to leave. You have to leave this house now.
Tom: How did you do that?
Cutler (Andrew Gower): I’m just very very good at my job.
Tom: You’re a vampire?
Cutler: Look, it must be hard for you, having grown up hating us. I get that. But there are good vampires out there.
Kirby: Oh, Annie. Look at you. With that dreamy smile and that incredibly dull personality. I can’t work out if Tom left ’cause he was bored or if he was scared he’d self-harm if you mentioned that bloody rota again. Don’t be upset. You’re nice. It’s your thing. But it drives people away. It drove Mitchell to suicide. From what I heard.
Annie: Why would you say that?
Kirby: Oh Annie, I tried, believe me. But you’d have to have the patience of a saint to spend more than a day with you. And well, I’m no saint. Okay, confession time! I never was a nursery teacher. But I do love kids. And when they saw me they all came running. I was a toy salesman. See? The Toy Man!
Kirby: See evil is like travelling first class. Try it once and you can never go back. Not that you’d ever understand. Because you’ll always be plain. And boring. And Annie…. Isn’t that right? Dear little Annie. Unloved. Alone. Unlovable. I’m sure someone will remember you. Well, maybe not. Can’t even go out with a bang, can you? {she wisps away} And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call mission accomplished. Dammit, I’m so good I’m Starsky and Hutch!
Tom: I’m sorry about going mental before. {Hal rolls down the window} Did you know it was my birthday today?
Hal: Why didn’t you say?
Tom: I thought you knew. {realizing} Kirby.
The Woman (Gina Bramhill): You got rid of her friends—her familiars—so you could get rid of her. Now she’s gone you can do what I put you there for. Kill the baby.
Kirby: Woah! Hey, baby. Let me savor the moment. I mean look at this place. We’re made for each other.
The Woman: No, you idiot! They’re coming back.
Hal: Why are you here, Kirby?
Kirby: I don’t really want to answer that question ’cause it’ll get all Scooby Doo. Do you mind if I tell you after I’ve finished?
Tom: You want to kill the baby? Why?
Kirby: ‘Cause I was told to. That were th’ whole bloody mission.
Kirby: There’s nothing you can do. You can watch her die, or you can leave. Either way she’s going to die.
Kirby: I bet you’re kicking yourselves, aren’t you. Wondering how on earth you didn’t recognize me. {they still don’t} For fuck’s sake. The Toy Man! {nothing} I killed five women. And the little sod who’s ball I was getting when I got run over, his mum was going to be number six. And then, well, who knows how many I would have killed. I would have been up there with the greats! There would have been a waxwork of me at Madame Tussaud’s. There’d be theories. Copycats! Terrible films! {nothing} Really? Nothing?
Annie: Is it me or do I have the worst taste in men. Ever.
Hal’s fixing Tom’s photo wall
Tom: That one’s not straight. If you’re gonna do it, do it properly.
Hal: Now he finds a sense of humor.
Hal: Happy Birthday, Tom.
Tom: Wicked. {he grabs the cake}
Annie: No, no, Tom. Blow them out.
Tom: Huh?
Annie: Blow them out, darling.
Annie: Look, I’m sorry about earlier.
Hal: Don’t apologize. I’m sorry you had to see that side of me. Again.
Annie: Now I know that you could never hurt Eve, so… {she hugs him around his middle}
Hal: Awkward.