A Christmas Carol
The Doctor entering via the chimney: Ah. Yes. Blimey. Sorry! Christmas Eve on a rooftop. Saw a chimney, my whole brain just went “What the hell!” Don’t worry, the fat fellah will be doing the rounds later. I’m just scoping out the general chimney-ness. Yes! Nice size. Good traction. Big tick.
Father: Fat fellah?
The Doctor: Father Christmas. Santa Claus. Or, as I’ve always known him, Jeff.
Son: There’s no such person as Father Christmas!
The Doctor: Oh yeah? whips out a photo. Me and Father Christmas. Frank Sinatra’s hunting lodge. 1952. See him in the back with the blonde. Albert Einstein, the three of us together. Vroom! Watch out! Okay? Keep the faith. Stay off the naughty list.
The Doctor: Oo! Now what’s this, then? I love this. Big flashy lighty thing. That’s what brought me here. Big flashy lighty things have got me written all over them. Not actually. Give me time and a crayon. Now! This big flashy lighty thing is connected to the spire on your dome, yeah? And it controls the sky. Well, technically it controls the clouds. Which technically aren’t clouds at all. Well they’re clouds of tiny particles of ice. Ice clouds. Love that. Who’s she?
Sardick: Nobody important.
The Doctor: “Nobody important”. Blimey, that’s amazing. D’you know, in 900 years of time and space I’ve never met anyone who wasn’t important before.
Sardick: The skies of this entire world are mine. My family tamed them and now I own them.
The Doctor: Tamed the sky. What does that mean?
Sardick: It means I’m Kazran Sardick. How could you possibly not know who I am?
The Doctor: Well. Just easily bored, I suppose. So, I need your help then.
Sardick: Make an appointment.
The Doctor: There are 4,003 people in a spaceship trapped in your cloud belt. Without your help they’re going to die.
Sardick: Yes.
The Doctor: You don’t have to let that happen.
Sardick: I know, but I’m going to. Bye bye, bored now. Chuck him! The Doctor won’t leave. Oh look at you, looking all tough now.
The Doctor: There are 4003 people I won’t allow to die tonight. Do you know where that puts you?
Sardick: Where?
The Doctor: 4004.
Sardick: Was that a sort of threaty thing?
The Doctor: Whatever happens tonight, remember: you brought it on yourself.
Sardick: Yeah yeah right. Get ’em out of here. And next time try and find me some funny poor people.
The Doctor: You didn’t hit the boy.
Sardick: Well I will next time!
The Doctor: You see you won’t though. Why? What am I missing?
Sardick: Get out! Get out of this house!
The Doctor: The chairs. Of course, the chairs. Stupid me. The chairs.
Sardick: Chairs?
The Doctor: There’s a portrait on the wall behind me. Looks like you but it’s too old so it’s your father. All the chair are angled away from it. Daddy’s been dead for twenty years, but you still can’t get comfortable where he can see you. There’s a Christmas tree in the painting, but none in this house on Christmas Eve. You’re scared of him and you’re scared of being like him and good for you, you’re not like him, not really. Do you know why?
Sardick: Why?
The Doctor: Because you didn’t hit the boy. Merry Christmas, Mr. Sardick.
Sardick: I despise Christmas!
The Doctor: You shouldn’t. It’s very you.
Sardick: It’s what? What do you mean?
The Doctor: Halfway out of the dark.
Amy: Have you got a plan yet?
The Doctor: Yes I do.
Amy: Are you lying?
The Doctor: Yes I am.
Amy: Don’t treat me like an idiot.
Rory: Was he lying?
Amy: No, no.
The Doctor: Okay. The good news, I’ve tracked the machine that unlocks the cloud belt. I could use it to clear your flight corridor and you can land easily.
Amy: Well hey, hey, that’s great news.
The Doctor: But I can’t control the machine.
Amy: Less great.
The Doctor: But I met a man who can.
Amy: Ah, well, there you go.
The Doctor: And he hates me.
Amy: Were you being extra charming and clever?
The Doctor: Yeah! How did you know?
Amy: Lucky guess.
Father: You better get inside, sir. The fog’s thick tonight and there’s a fish warning.
The Doctor: Alright, yeah. Sorry, fish?
Father: Yeah, you know what they’re like when they get a bit hungry.
The Doctor: Yeah, fish. I know fish. Fish?
Father: It’s all Mr. Sardick’s fault, I reckon. He always lets a few fish through the cloud layer when he’s in a bad mood.
The Doctor: Fish that can swim in fog. I love new planets.
The Doctor: Can’t use the TARDIS ’cause it can’t lock on. So that ship needs to land. But it can’t land unless a very bad man suddenly decides to turn nice just in time for Christmas Day.
Amy: Doctor, I can’t hear you. What is that? Is that singing?
The Doctor: A Christmas Carol.
Amy: A what?
The Doctor: A Christmas Carol.
Amy: A what?!
The Doctor: A Christmas Carol. realizing. Kazran Sardick. Merry Christmas, Kazran Sardick.
The Doctor: It’s okay.
Sardick: What have you done? What is this?!
The Doctor: Found it on an old drive. Sorry about the picture quality. Had to recover the data using quantum enfolding and a… paper clip. Oh, I won’t bother calling your servants, they quit. Apparently they won the lottery at exactly the same time. Which is a bit lucky when you think about it.
Sardick: There isn’t a lottery!
The Doctor: Yeah, as I say, lucky.
Sardick: Who are you?
The Doctor: Tonight I’m the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The Doctor: Did you ever get to see a fish? Back then, when you were a kid.
Sardick: What does that matter to you?
The Doctor: Look how it mattered to you.
Sardick: I cried all night. And I learned life’s most invaluable lesson.
The Doctor: Which is?
Sardick: Nobody comes. Get out! Get out of my house!
The Doctor: Okay, but I’ll be back. Way back! Way way back.
Kazran: If you’re my babysitter, why are you climbing in the window?
The Doctor: ‘Cause if I was climbing out of the window I’d be going in the wrong direction. Pay attention.
The Doctor: Right then! Your bedroom. Great. Let’s see, you’re twelve years old so we’ll stay away from under the bed. Cupboard! Big cupboard! I love a cupboard. Do you know, there’s a thing called a phase spider—it’s just like a tiny baby ‘cept with spider legs. And it specifically evolved to scuttle on the backs of bedroom cupboards. closes cupboard. Which, yeah, I probably shouldn’t have mentioned. Right. So. What are we going to do? Eat crisps and talk about girls? I’ve never actually done that but I bet it’s easy. Girls. Yeah?
Kazran: Are you really a babysitter?
The Doctor pulling out the psychic paper: I think you’ll find that I’m universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult.
Kazran: It’s… just a lot of wavy lines.
The Doctor: Yeah. Shorted out. Finally, a lie too big. Okay. Not really a babysitter but it’s Christmas Eve. You don’t want a real one. You want me.
Kazran: Why? What’s so special about you?
The Doctor: Have you ever seen Mary Poppins?
Kazran: No.
The Doctor: Good. ‘Cause that comparison would’ve been rubbish.
Kazran: Well aren’t you going to tell me it’s dangerous?
The Doctor: Dangerous? Come on! We’re boys. And you know what boys say in the face of danger?
Kazran: What?
The Doctor: “Mummy.”
Kazran: Are there any phase spiders in here?
The Doctor: Nah. Not at this time of night. They’ll all be sleeping in your mattress. So why are you so interested in the fish?
Kazran: ‘Cause they’re scary.
The Doctor: Good answer.
Kazran: What kind of tie is that?
The Doctor: A cool one.
Kazran: Why is it cool?
The Doctor: Why are you really interested in fish?
Kazran: It’s all anyone ever talks about now. “The day the fish came”. Everyone’s got a story.
The Doctor: But you don’t.
Sardick: Now I remember. No Doctor! You mustn’t!
Kazran: Doctor, are you sure?
The Doctor: Trust me.
Kazran: Okay.
The Doctor: Oy! Eyes on the tie. Look at me. I wear it and I don’t care. Trust me?
Kazran: Yes.
The Doctor: That’s why it’s cool.
The Doctor: Hello Fishy. Let’s see. Interesting. Crystalline fog, eh? Maybe carrying a tiny electrical charge. Is that how you fly, little fishy?
Kazran in the cupboard: What is it? What kind? Can I see?
The Doctor: Just stay there a moment.
Kazran: Is it big?
The Doctor: Nah. Just a little one. So, little fellah, what do you eat? a shark flies in the window and eats the fish and sonic screwdriver.
Kazran: How little?
The Doctor: Um—
Kazran: Can I come out?
The Doctor: No no. Maybe just… wait there for a moment.
Kazran: Well what color is it?
The Doctor: Big. Big color.
Kazran: What’s happening?
The Doctor: Well, concentrating on the plusses, you’ve definitely got a story of your own now. Also, I got a good look at the fish and I think I understand how the fog works. Which is going to help me land a spaceship in the future and save a lot of lives. And I bet I get some very interesting readings off my sonic screwdriver when I get it back from the shark in your bedroom.
Kazran: There’s a shark in my bedroom?!
The Doctor: Oh fine! Focus on that point.
Kazran: Has it gone? What’s it doing?
The Doctor: What do you call it if you don’t have any feet… and you’re taking a run-up?
The screen goes blank
Sardick: No! It’s going to eat us.
Kazran: It’s going to eat us!
The Doctor: Well, maybe we’re going to eat it, but I don’t like the odds! Let’s see. Tiny shark [brain], if I had my screwdriver I could probably send a pulse and stun it.
Kazran: Well where’s your screwdriver?!
The Doctor: Well, concentrating on the plusses… in reach. You know there’s a real chance the way it’s wedged in the doorway is keeping its mouth open.
Kazran: There is?
The Doctor: Just agree with me, ’cause I’ve only got two go’s and then it’s your turn.
Kazran: Two go’s?
The Doctor: Two arms! Right then. okay. Geronimo. Open wide!
The Doctor: What’s the big fishy done to you? Swallowed half of you, that’s what. Half a screwdriver—what use is that? Bad big fishy.
The Doctor: Hello again.
Kazran: You know her?
The Doctor: Why her? Important, is she?
Kazran: She won’t mind. She loves the fish.
Kazran: Look, the fish like the singing, okay? So shut up.
The Doctor: Okay.
Kazran: It’s bigger on the inside.
The Doctor: Yes, the color really knocks the walls back. Shark-in-a-box. To go.
Abigail (Katherine Jenkins): This is amazing.
The Doctor: Nah! This is transport. I keep amazing —he opens the TARDIS doors— out here.
Abigail: You are out of your mind. This will never work.
The Doctor: Oh! Don’t think shark, think dolphin.
Abigail: A shark isn’t a dolphin!
The Doctor: It’s nearly a dolphin.
Abigail: No it isn’t.
The Doctor: Well that’s where you’re wrong because… shut up.
Abigail: It could be anywhere. Will it really come?
The Doctor: No chance. Completely impossible. Except at Christmas.
The Doctor: Three of clubs!
No.
The Doctor looking at the card: You sure? Because I’m very good at card tricks.
It wasn’t the three of clubs.
The Doctor: Well of course it wasn’t. Because it was the seven of diamonds!
No.
The Doctor: Oy! Stop it. You’re doing it wrong.
Kazran: I’ve never kissed anyone before. What do I do?
The Doctor: Well. Try and be all nervous and rubbish and a bit shaky.
Kazran: Why?
The Doctor: Because you’re going to be like that anyway. Might as well make it part of the plan and then it’ll feel on purpose. Off you go then.
Kazran: Now? I kiss her now?
The Doctor: Kazran, trust me. It’s this or go into your room and design a new kind of screwdriver. Don’t make my mistakes. Now! Go!
California 1952
The Doctor: Guys, we’ve really gotta go quite quickly. I just accidentally got engaged to Marilyn Monroe. How do you keep going like that? Do you breathe out of your ears? Hello! Sorry! Guys, she’s phoned a chapel. There’s a car outside. This is happening now!
Marilyn (in the distance): Yoo hoo!
The Doctor: Yoo hoo! Right. Fine. Thank you. I’ll just go and get married in July. See how you like that. Marilyn! Get yer coat.
The Doctor: There we go! Another day, another Christmas Eve. I’ll see you in a minute, yeah? I mean, a year.
Sardick: Ah, Doctor— Listen, why don’t we leave it.
The Doctor: Sorry. Leave what?
Sardick: You know. This. Every Christmas Eve. It’s getting a bit old.
The Doctor: Old?
Sardick: Well, Christmas is for kids, isn’t it? I’ve got some work with my dad now, I’m going to focus on that. he takes off the bow tie. Get that cloud belt under control.
The Doctor: Sorry. I didn’t realize I was boring you.
Sardick: Not your fault. Times change.
The Doctor: Not as much as I’d hoped.
The Doctor: I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.
Sardick: All my life I’ve been called heartless. My other life—my real life. The one you rewrote. Now look at me.
The Doctor: Better a broken heart than no heart at all.
Sardick: Try it. You try it. Why are you here?
The Doctor: ‘Cause I’m not finished with you yet. You’ve seen the past, present. And now you need to see the future.
Sardick: Fine. Do it. Show me! I’ll die cold, alone and afraid. Of course I will. We all do. What difference does showing me make? Do you know why I’m going to let those people die? [Not a plan]. I don’t get anything from it. It’s just that I don’t care. I’m not like you. I don’t even want to be like you. I don’t and never ever will care.
The Doctor: And I don’t believe that.
Sardick: Then show me the future. Prove me wrong.
The Doctor: I am showing you the future. I’m showing you right now. So what do you think? Is this who you want to become, Kazran?
Kazran: Dad?
Amy: Doctor, what’s happening?
The Doctor: I just saved Christmas. Don’t go away.
The Doctor: Are we good to go then?
Sardick: The controls, they won’t respond.
The Doctor: Of course they will. They’re isomorphic. They’re tuned to your brainwaves. They’ll only respond to you.
Sardick: Won’t respond.
The Doctor: It doesn’t make sense. That’s ridiculous. Why won’t they— ? Oh. Oh, of course. Stupid, stupid Doctor.
Sardick: What’s wrong? Tell me, what is it? What?
The Doctor: It’s you. It’s you. I’ve changed you too much. The machine doesn’t recognize you.
Sardick: No, my father programmed—
The Doctor: No, your father would never have programmed it for the man you are now.
Sardick: Then what do we do?
The Doctor: Um… um. I don’t know, I don’t know.
Kazran: There must be something.
Sardick: This. You can use this. I kept it, see?
The Doctor: What? Half a screwdriver? With the other half I can [mis]guide a big ol’ shark right in the heart of the cloud layer. If we use your [re] to boost the signal and set up a resonation pattern between the two halves… Oo! C’mon, that would work. My screwdriver, coolest bit of kit on this planet. Coolest two bits. It could do it.
Sardick: Do what?
The Doctor: While my screwdriver’s still trying to repair it’s signaling itself. We use the signal but we send something else.
Kazran: Send what?
Sardick: Well? What, what?
The Doctor: I’m sorry, Kazran. I truly am.
Sardick: I don’t understand.
The Doctor: We need to transmit something into the cloud belt. Something we know works. We need her to sing.
Rory: Got any more honeymoon ideas?
The Doctor: Well there’s a moon that’s made of actual honey. Well, not actual honey. And it’s not actually a moon. And technically it’s alive. And a bit carnivorous. But there are some lovely views.
Amy: Are you— are you okay?
The Doctor: Of course I’m okay. You?
Amy: Of course. It’ll be their last day together, won’t it?
The Doctor: Everything’s got to end some time. Otherwise nothing would ever get started.
Amy: Where are they? Kazran and Abigail?
The Doctor: Off on a little trip I should think.
Amy: Where?
The Doctor: Christmas.
Amy: Christmas?
The Doctor: Yeah. Christmas. Halfway out of the dark.
The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe
The Doctor: Come here, spacesuit. Come to Doctor.
Madge Arwel (Claire Skinner): Are you alright? Are you hurt? Did you fall? {she looks up} Where did you fall from?
The Doctor: Helmet.
Madge: Alright. Just, just let me…. I don’t want to hurt you. {she flips up the visor} Oh!
The Doctor: I can’t see. I’m blind!
Madge: Oh no, love. No. I think you’ve just got your helmet on backwards. How did you manage that?
The Doctor: I got dressed in a hurry.
The Doctor: I’m fine. I just need to find the key.
Madge: Oo. Do you want me to do it with a pin? I’m good with a pin.
The Doctor: Multi dimensional triple encoded temporal interface. Not really susceptible to pointy things.
Madge: Got it.
The Doctor: Okay. Suddenly the last nine hundred years of time travel seem a bit less secure.
The Doctor: If there’s ever anything that I can do for you, let me know.
Madge: How?
The Doctor: I don’t know. Make a wish. That usually works.
Madge: Does it?
The Doctor: Well it did for me. You’re here, aren’t ya?
The Doctor: Wrong one. Do you think we could try again?
The Doctor: Don’t worry the back door is still, broadly-speaking, operational.
Madge: Wait. Who are you?
The Doctor: I’m the caretaker!
Madge: But you’re not Mr. Cardew.
The Doctor: I agree.
Madge: But I don’t understand. Are you the new caretaker?
The Doctor: I’m usually called the Doctor. Or the caretaker. Or “Get off this planet.” Though strictly speaking that probably isn’t a name.
The Doctor: Now come on, come on. Lots to see. Whistlestop tour. Take notes. There will be questions.
The Doctor: Smallish sitting room. Just chairs. BIt pointless without a television. So I made some repairs. {the kids look awed} I know.
The Doctor: Kitchen! That’s a cooker. Probably. And these are taps. Hot. Cold. Lemonade.
Lily: Lemonade?
The Doctor: I know!
The Doctor: Staircase! {he taps a stair} Seems to have broken down. We’ll have to walk up.
The Doctor: I sleep up there. Stay away. Beware of panthers.
Lily: Panthers?
The Doctor: They’re terrifying!
Madge: Where are the beds?
The Doctor: Well I couldn’t fit everything in. There had to be sacrifices. Besides, who needs beds when you’ve got {he pulls a lever} hammocks! I know.
Madge: Why are you doing all this?
The Doctor: I’m just trying to take care of things. I’m the caretaker.
Madge: That’s not what caretakers do.
The Doctor: Then why are they called caretakers?
Madge: Their father’s dead.
The Doctor: I’m sorry.
Madge: Lily and Cyril’s father—my husband—is dead and they don’t know yet because if I tell them now then Christmas will always be what took their father away from them, and no one should have to live like that. Of course when the Christmas period is over I shall… I don’t know why I keep shouting at them.
The Doctor: Because every time you see them happy you remember how sad they’re going to be. And it breaks your heart. Because what’s the point in them being happy now if they’re going to be sad later. The answer is, of course, because they a re going to be sad later.
The Doctor: Now. We better get downstairs. I think they may have found the main sitting room. I repaired it.
Lily: You were lying about the panthers.
The Doctor: Famous last words.
Lily: Why have you got a phone box in your room?
The Doctor: It’s not a phone box, it’s my… wardrobe. I’ve just painted it to look like a phone box.
Lily: Well what are you doing?
The Doctor: Rewiring.
Lily: Why would you rewire a wardrobe?
The Doctor: Have you seen the way I dress?
Lily: Who are you? Really who are you?
The Doctor: Your brother, where is he?
The Doctor: Oh he’s good. The old bear-in-duvet trick. Classic.
Lily: Where are we?
The Doctor: In a forest. In a box. In a sitting room. Pay attention.
Lily: But I don’t understand where we are.
The Doctor: We’ve gone through a dimensional portal… thingie.
Lily: Well what’s that supposed to be? Where did it come from?
The Doctor: It was a present. And it wasn’t supposed to be opened ’til Christmas Day. Honestly! Who opens their Christmas presents early? Okay. Shut up. Everyone.
Lily: I don’t understand. Is this place real? Or is it fairyland?
The Doctor: Fairyland? Oh grow up, Lily! Fairyland looks completely different.
The Doctor: These are Cyril’s footprints and these are the ones he was following. Notice anything?
Lily: The other footprints are getting bigger.
The Doctor: Yes. Whatever your brother’s following, it’s growing.
Lily: They’re like Christmas tree decorations.
The Doctor: Naturally occurring Christmas trees. How cool is that!
The Doctor: I’ve been here many times but I’ve never heard the trees so active. Something’s wrong. What are you doing? What are you up to?
The Doctor: I’m sorry, Lily, I really am, but there is something very wrong in this forest. And your brother’s right in the middle of it.
Lily: Why would you bring us to this place?
The Doctor: It was supposed to be a treat. This is one of the safest planets I know. There’s never anything dangerous here. {the forest shakes} There are sentences I should just keep away from.
Lily: What’s that? Is that a statue? What is it? Is that a king?
The Doctor: A king possibly, but not a statue. Look at the floor. This is what Cyril was following, the growing thing. Hatched from the bauble on a tree. Grew to this size in less than an hour, I’d say. Impressive!
The Doctor: So a forest grows a building. Why would it do that, Lily?
Lily: I don’t know.
The Doctor: Why is there honey in a honey trap?
Lily: Because it’s a trap?
The Doctor: Exactly. The thing about people, we can never resist a door.
Lily: So this is a trap? We’ve just walked straight into a trap.
The Doctor: A people trap. Question is: why does a forest need people?
Lily: We should go. We have to get out of here.
The Doctor: Except.
Lily: Except Cyril’s here.
The Doctor: So let’s find Cyril.
The Doctor: Oh, of course. It’s wood. It’s rubbish at wood.
Lily: It doesn’t look like wood.
The Doctor: This is disguise wood. Have you been listening?
Lily: How can trees build a building?
The Doctor: Oh never underestimate a tree, Lily. I met the Forest of Cheem once. She fancied me.
Lily: What is that?
The Doctor: Life force. Pure life force. Just… singing.
Lily: Beautiful. Doesn’t it make you want to cry.
The Doctor: Crying when you’re happy. Ah, good for you. That’s so human.
The Doctor: Aliens made of wood! This was always going to happen, you know.
Cyril: They’re evacuating.
The Doctor: Why?
Cyril: They’re frightened of the rain. The rain that burns.
Lily: Caretaker, please explain. I’m frightened.
The Doctor: Those stars, they’re pure life force. Souls, if you like. And they’re trying to escape. Because they think their home is going to burn.
Lily: Why can’t they just float up into the sky?
The Doctor: They need to travel inside a living thing. inside Cyril. You see this is not a crown. It’s a relay. They’re turning your brother into a lifeboat.
Wooden Queen: Your coming was foretold.
Lily: Oh my god! What is that? Why does he sound like that?
The Doctor: Oh hello. Are we lip syncing now?
Wooden Queen: We had faith. Your coming was foretold.
The Doctor: There’s no such thing as foretelling. Trust a time traveller.
Wooden Queen: The forest cannot live in him. But there are others.
The Doctor: There certainly are. And the good thing is, I look great in a hat.
Lily: What’s that?
The Doctor: It’s an Andrezani harvester, but…
Lily: You recognize that thing?
The Doctor: More to the point, I think I recognize the driver!
Madge: Caretaker!
The Doctor: Yes?
Madge: You’re fired!
The Doctor: Madge? Can you hear me?
Madge: Yes I can hear you. I’m perfectly fine, thank you.
The Doctor: Fine? You’ve got a whole world inside your head!
Madge: I know! It’s funny, isn’t it? One can’t imagine being a forest, then suddenly one can! How remarkable.
Lily: What’s happening?
The Doctor: No idea. Do what I do: hold tight and pretend it’s a plan.
The Doctor: Your mind is controlling this vessel. You can fly us all back for Christmas.
Madge: My head is full of trees, caretaker. Can’t you fly us home?
The Doctor: I don’t have a home to think of. And between you and me, I’m older than I look and I can’t feel the way you do. Not anymore.
The Doctor: Your mother is flying a forest through the time vortex. Be a little impressed!
The Doctor: I imagine you’d prefer to be alone.
Madge: I don’t imagine anyone would prefer that. Stay close, caretaker.
The Doctor: I’ll be right outside.
The Doctor: No stars to light the way, Madge. There was one. There was you.
The Doctor: Madge Arwel, you flew a whole forest through the time vortex. Plus one husband. He did it again, Madge. He followed you home. Look what you can do. Mother Christmas.
The Doctor: Happy crying. Human-y wooman-y.
Madge: Of course. It’s you, isn’t it! My spaceman angel with his head on backwards.
The Doctor: How do I look? The right-way around.
Madge: Funnier.
The Doctor: Okay.
Madge: So you came back.
The Doctor: Well, you were there for me when I had a bad day. Always like to return a favor. Got a bit clinchy in the middle there, but it sort of worked out in the end. The story of my life.
Madge: Thank you.
The Doctor: You did it all yourself, Madge Arwel. But thanks for thanking me.
Madge: Oh, Caretaker. What if I require you again?
The Doctor: Make a wish.
The Doctor: Not absolutely sure. How long?
Amy: Two years. {she squirts him}
The Doctor: Okay. Fair point.
Amy: We’re about to have Christmas dinner. Joining us?
The Doctor: If it’s no trouble.
Rory: There’s a place set for you.
The Doctor: But you didn’t know I was coming. Why would you set me a place?
Amy: Oh, because we always do. It’s Christmas, you moron.
The Snowmen
Clara (Jenna-Louise Coleman): Did you make this snowman?
The Doctor: No.
Clara: Well who did? ‘Cause it wasn’t there a second ago. It just appeared… from nowhere.
The Doctor: Maybe it’s snow that fell before. Maybe it’s snow that remembers how to make snowmen.
Clara: What? Snow that can remember. That’s silly.
The Doctor: What’s wrong with silly?
Clara: Nothing. Still talking to you, ain’t I?
The Doctor: What’s your name?
Clara: Clara.
The Doctor: It’s a nice name. Clara. You should definitely keep it.
Clara: Oy. Where are you going? I thought we was just getting acquainted.
The Doctor: Those were the days.
Strax (Dan Starkey): They’ve taken samples from snowmen all over London. What do you suppose they’re doing in there?
The Doctor: This snow is new. Possibly alien. When you find something brand new in the world—something you’ve never seen before—what’s the next thing you look for?
Strax: A grenade!
The Doctor: A profit. That’s Victorian values for you.
Strax: I suggest a full-frontal assault with automated laser monkeys, scalpel mines and acid!
The Doctor: Why?
Strax: Couldn’t we at least investigate?
Strax: Sir, permission to express my opposition to your current apathy.
The Doctor: Permission granted.
Strax: Sir, I am opposed to your current apathy.
The Doctor: Over a thousand years of saving the universe, Strax, you know the one thing I learned? The universe doesn’t care.
The Doctor: Sontaran. Clone warrior race, factory-produced. Whole legions at a time. Two genders is a bit further than he can count.
Clara: Sir, do not discuss my reproductive cycle in front of enemy girls. It’s embarrassing!
The Doctor: Typical middle child of six million.
Clara: Who are you?
The Doctor: It doesn’t matter because you are about to forget that you and I ever met. {to Strax} We’ll need the worm.
The Doctor: Where is it?
Strax: Where’s what, sir?
The Doctor: I sent you to get the memory worm.
Strax: Did you? When? Who’s he? What are we doing here? Look! It’s been snowing!
The Doctor: You didn’t use the gauntlets, did you?
Strax: Why would I need the gauntlets?
The Doctor: Oy! Don’t try to run away. Stay where you are.
Clara: Why would I run? I know what’s gonna happen next and it’s funny.
The Doctor: What’s funny?
Clara: Well you’re little pal for a start. He’s an ugly little fella, isn’t he?
The Doctor: Maybe. He gave his life for a friend of mine once.
Clara: Then how come he’s alive?
The Doctor: Another friend of mine brought him back. I’m not sure all his brains made the return trip!
Clara: Neither am I.
The Doctor: And you’re still not trying to run.
Clara: I don’t understand how the snowman built itself. I’ll run… once you’ve explained.
The Doctor: Clara who?
Clara: Doctor who?
The Doctor: Oo, dangerous question.
Clara: What’s wrong with dangerous?
Clara: What about the snow? Shouldn’t we be warning people?
The Doctor: Not my problem. Merry Christmas.
Madame Vastra: Miss Clara and her concerns about the snow. I gave her the one word test.
The Doctor: That’s always pointless. What did she say? Well? Well.
Madame Vastra: “Pond.”
The Doctor: Oh hello! Nice office. Big globe-y thing. Now shut up. Don’t tell me. I see by your collar stud that you have an apple tree and a wife with a limp. Am I right?
Dr. Simeon: No.
The Doctor: Do you have a wife?
Dr. Simeon: No.
The Doctor: Bit of a tree? Bit of a wife? Some apples? Come on, work with me here.
The Intelligence: We are the Intelligence.
The Doctor: Oo. Talking snow! I love new things.
The Intelligence: You are not of this world.
The Doctor: Takes one to snow one.
Dr. Simeon: You must leave here now.
The Doctor: Shut up. I’m making deductions. It’s very exciting.
The Doctor: Now, what are you? Eh? A flock of space crystals. A swarm! But the snowmen are foot soldiers. Mindless predators. But you. You’re the clever one. You’re Moriarty. So you turn up on a planet, you generate a telepathic field to learn what you can. When you’ve learned enough… what do you do? You can’t conquer the world using snowmen. Snowmen are rubbish in July. You’ll have to be better than that. You’ll have to evolve. You need to translate yourself into something more, well, human. But to do that you need a perfect duplicate of human DNA in ice form. Where do you find… that?
The Doctor: What are you doing here?
Strax: Madame Vastra wondered if you were needing any grenades.
The Doctor: Grenades?
Strax: She might have said help.
The Doctor: Don’t be clever, Strax, it doesn’t suit you.
Strax: Sorry sir.
The Doctor: I’m the clever one. You’re the potato one.
Strax: Yes sir.
The Doctor: Now go away.
Digby: Where did she go? Will she come back?
The Doctor: Oh don’t worry. She’s currently draining through your carpet. New setting: antifreeze.
Clara: It’s cooler.
The Doctor: Yeah, it is, isn’t it? Bow ties are cool.
Clara: No, the room. The room’s getting colder.
Digby: She’s coming back!
Francesca: What’s she going to do? Is she going to punish me?
The Doctor: She’s learned not to melt. Of course she’s not really a governess, she’s just a beast. She’s going to eat you. Run.
The Doctor: Your current governess is in reality a former barmaid called Clara. Meanwhile your previous governess is now a living ice sculpture impersonating Mr. Punch.
Vastra: You missed this, didn’t you?
The Doctor: Shut up.
Vastra: Sir, there’s something here they want.
Clara: The ice woman.
The Doctor: Exactly.
Clara: Why’s she so important?
The Doctor: Because she’s a perfect duplication of human DNA in ice crystal form. The ultimate fusion of snow and humanity. To live here the snow needs to evolve and she’s the blueprint. She’s what they need to become. When the snow melted last night, did it melt in the pond?
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Living ice. It will never melt. If the snow gets hold of that creature on the stairs it will learn to make more of them. It will build an army of ice. And it will be the last day of humanity on this planet.
Clara: Doctor, what are you doing?
The Doctor: Between you and me, can’t wait to find out.
The Doctor: That was stupid!
Clara: You were stupid too!
The Doctor: Yeah, but I’m allowed. I’m good at stupid!
The Doctor: No, I do the hand grabbing! That’s my job, that’s always me!
Clara: After you.
The Doctor: After you.
Clara: After you. I’m wearing a dress. Eyes front soldier.
The Doctor: My eyes are always front.
Clara: Mine aren’t.
The Doctor: Stop it!
Clara: No.
Clara: So you can move your cloud. You can control it.
The Doctor: No. No one can control clouds. That would be silly. The wind… a little bit.
The Doctor: So, barmaid or governess, which is it?
Clara: That thing is after us and you want to chat?
The Doctor: Well we can’t chat after we’ve been horribly killed, can we?
Clara: How did we get up so high so quick?
The Doctor: Clever staircase. It’s taller on the inside.
The Doctor: It’s called the TARDIS. It can travel anywhere in time and space. And it’s mine.
Clara: But it’s… Look at it, it’s…
The Doctor: Go on, say it. Most people do. {she runs around it}
Clara: …smaller on the outside.
The Doctor: Okay. That is a first.
Clara: Why are you showing me all this?
The Doctor: You followed me, remember? I didn’t invite you.
Clara: You’re nearly a foot taller than I am. You could have reached the ladder without this. You took it. For me. Why?
The Doctor: I never know why. I only know who. {he hands her a TARDIS key}
Captain Latimer: We have to get her inside.
Vastra: Those things will kill you.
Captain Latimer: She’s hurt!
Vastra: She’s dead.
The Doctor: It was my fault. I am responsible for what happened to Clara. She was in my care.
Clara: What is the point of blaming yourself?
The Doctor: None. Because she’s going to live.
Clara: The green woman, she said you were the savior of worlds once. Are you going to save this one?
The Doctor: If I do, will you come away with me?
Clara: Yes.
The Doctor: Well then. Merry Christmas.
The Doctor: I have in my hand a piece of the ice lady. Everything you need to know about how to make ice people. Is that what you want? See you at the office!
Vastra: So then, Doctor. Saving the world again? Might I ask why? Are you making a bargain with the universe? You’ll save the world to let her live.
The Doctor: Yes. And don’t you think, after all this time and everything I have ever done, that I am owed this one!
Vastra: I don’t think the universe makes bargains.
The Doctor: It was my fault!
Vastra: Well then. Better save the world.
The Doctor: Do you know what this is, big fella?
The Great Intelligence: I do not understand these markings.
The Doctor: A map of the London Underground 1967. Key strategic weakness in metropolitan living, if you ask me. But then I have never liked a tunnel.
The Great Intelligence: Enough of this. We are powerful but on this planet we are limited. We need to learn to take human form. The governess is our most perfect replication of humanity.
Vastra: What’s happening to its voice?
The Doctor: Just stripping away the disguise.
The Great Intelligence: No, stop! Stop! Cease! I command you!
Vastra: It sounds like a child.
The Doctor: Of course it sounds like a child. It is a child. Simeon as a child. The snow has no voice without him.
The Great Intelligence: Don’t listen to him. He’s ruining everything.
The Doctor: How long has the intelligence been talking to you?
Dr. Simeon: I was a little boy. He was my snowman. He spoke to me.
The Doctor: Snow doesn’t talk, does it? It’s just a mirror. It just reflects back everything we think and feel and fear. You poured your darkest dreams into a snowman and look—look what it became!
Vastra: I don’t understand.
The Doctor: It’s a parasite feeding on the loneliness of a child and the sickness of an old man. Carnivorous snow meets Victorian values. And something terrible is born.
The Great Intelligence: We can go on and do everything we planned.
The Doctor: Oh yes, and what a plan. A world full of living ice people. Oh dear me. How very Victorian of you.
The Great Intelligence: Did you really think it would be so easy?
The Doctor: That’s not possible. How is that possible?
The Doctor: But you were just Dr. Simeon. You were not real. He dreamed you. How can you exist?
The Great Intelligence: Now the dream outlives the dreamer and can never die. Once I was the puppet, now I pull the strings.
The Doctor: There was a critical mass of snow at the house. If something happened there…
Vastra: It’s salty. Salt water rain.
The Doctor: It’s not raining. It’s crying. The only force on earth that could drown the snow: a whole family crying on Christmas Eve.
The Doctor: We saved the world, Clara. You and me. We really really did.
Clara: Are you going back to your cloud?
The Doctor: No more cloud. Not now.
Clara: Why not?
The Doctor: It rained.
Vastra: And what about the Intelligence? Melted with the snow?
The Doctor: No, I shouldn’t think so. It learned to survive beyond physical form.
Jenny: Well we can’t be in much danger from a disembodied intelligence that thinks it can invade the world with snowmen.
Vastra: Or that the London Underground is a key strategic weakness.
The Doctor: The Great Intelligence. That rings a bell.
The Doctor: I never knew her name. soufflé Girl. Oswin. It was her. It was soufflé Girl again.
The Doctor: Something’s going on. Something impossible. Something… Right, you two stay here. Stay right here. Don’t move an inch.
Vastra: Are you coming back?
The Doctor: Shouldn’t think so.
Vastra: But where are you going?
The Doctor: To find her. To find Clara.
The Doctor: Clara! Oswin! Oswald! Watch me run.