A Long Time Ago…
Rafando (Ivanno Jeremiah): Death is an increasing problem. With over a billion intelligent species active in this galaxy alone, it is an ever greater challenge to know how to kill all of them. On this planet we’re proud to serve as executioners to every living thing. The destruction of a Time Lord, however, is a particular honor.
Rafando: This technology is precisely calibrated, as you can see. It will stop both hearts, all three brain stems, and deliver a cellular shockwave that will permanently disable regenerative ability.
The Doctor (Peter Capaldi): I know how it works.
Rafando: You certainly will in a moment. Following termination, the body will be placed in a quantum fold chamber under constant guard for no less than a thousand years. In case of, shall we say, relapses. Life can be a cunning enemy. An additional stipulation of the fatality index, is that the sentence must be carried out by another Time Lord. Apologies for our choice, but your people are not easy to come by.
Missy (Michelle Gomez): Oh! Doctor. I didn’t expect you. Thought you’d retired. Domestic bliss on Darillium. That’s the word among the Daleks. What happened? {silence} Oh I see. My condolences.
Today…
The Doctor: They can’t know I’m blind, Missy. No one can know. Memories are so much worse in the dark.
Rafando: The quantum fold chamber is prepared.
Missy: Great.
Rafando: The sentence will be carried out. Executioner?
Missy: Please. I’ll do anything. Just let me live.
The Doctor: Hello? Who’s there.
Cardinal Angelo (Corrado Invernizzi): Good evening, Doctor. We have come here today directly from the Vatican.
The Doctor: All right. That’s nice. Well if you’re good at collecting tin I’m sure I can find something. Uh, leaky roof, is it?
Nardole (Matt Lucas): No no no. Stop talking. Please, just listen to them. It sounds important.
Cardinal Angelo: We have come here to see you because your services of wisdom are recommended at the highest level. {he pulls out a parchment} As you can see this is a personal recommendation of Pope Benedict IX. In 1045.
The Doctor: Pope Benedict. Lovely girl. What a night. I knew she was trouble, but she wove a spell with her castanets.
Cardinal Angelo: Doctor, on behalf of every human soul in this world—of any creed, of any faith—with the utmost respect and in complete secrecy, His Holiness the Pope, the Bishop of Rome, requests most urgently a personal audience.
The Doctor: Well if he’s so keen to talk to me, why didn’t he just come here himself?
Nardole: He is here. He’s standing right in front of us.
The Doctor: Hello, uh, the Pope. I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize you there. You don’t do this. The Pope doesn’t zoom around the world in the Pope Mobile, {pointedly, to Nardole} surprising people. Why would you do that?
The Pope (Joseph Long): Extremis.
Cardinal Angelo: There is an ancient text, buried deep in the most secret of the Vatican libraries. Text older than the church itself. The language of this text is lost to us. But thanks to the work of an early Christian sect, the title has survived. {he passes over a paper titled Veritas}
The Doctor: Okay, so what’s the title?
The Doctor: Obviously they understood this language.
Cardinal Angelo: It died with them. And all copies of their translation disappeared shortly after their mass suicide. A few months ago—after many centuries of work—the Veritas was translated again.
Nardole: Right. And?
The Doctor: What did it say?
Cardinal Angelo: No one knows. Everyone who worked on the translation and everyone who subsequently read it is now dead. Dead, Doctor, by their own hand. The Veritas is a short document, a few pages only. And yet it contains a secret that drives all who know it to destroy themselves.
The Doctor: Assume nothing. Assumption makes an ass out of you. And umption.
Cardinal Angelo: They read the Veritas and chose hell.
The Pope: Doctor, will you read the Veritas?
Moira (Jennifer Hennessy): I have very strict rules about men.
Bill Potts (Pearl Mackie): Probably not as strict as mine.
Penny (Ronke Adekoluejo): That was the Pope. Bill, that was the Pope!
Bill: Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute. I am about to have a truly awesome word with someone.
Penny walking in: Oh my god! {she runs out}
Bill: Argh! {to the Vatican} You’re all going to hell.
Bill: Doctor, when I’m on a date—when that rare and special thing happens in my life—do not, do not under any circumstances, put the Pope in my bedroom.
The Doctor: Okay. Now I know.
Priest: Greetings, sinner. Only in darkness are we revealed.
The Doctor: I never sent for you.
Priest: “Goodness is not goodness that seeks advantage. Good is good in the final hour. In the deepest pit—without hope, without witness. Without reward. Virtue is only virtue, in extremis. This is what he believes. And this is the reason above all I love him. My husband. My madman in a box. My Doctor.” {he reveals himself to be Nardole} Your missus wouldn’t approve.
The Doctor: How the hell did you get here?
Nardole: Followed you from Darillium. On the explicit orders of your late wife, River Song. Warning: I have full permission to kick your ass.
About the Doctor’s blindness and unwillingness to tell Bill
Nardole: Yeah. Shall I tell you the real reason?
The Doctor: No.
Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real. And then you might actually have to deal with it.
The Doctor: Good point. Well made. Definitely not telling her now.
Nardole:You’re an idiot.
The Doctor: Everyone knows that.
Cardinal Angelo: Very few know this places exists. The Library of Blasphemy. The Hereticum.
Bill: Harry Potter!
The Doctor: Language!
Cardinal Angelo: Please. Stay close to me. The layout is designed to confuse the uninitiated.
The Doctor: Sort of like religion, really.
Nardole: You’d be wizard at writing Christmas crackers, you two.
Piero (Fransesco Martino): I’m sorry. I sent it.
The Doctor: Sent what?
Piero: I sent it, yes.
The Doctor: Sent what where?
Nardole: Because four hours ago, someone—that priest, presumably—emailed them a copy of the Veritas translation from this computer.
Bill: Remember what he said. He said, “I sent it.” He sent the Veritas.
Nardole: And CERN have just replied.
The Doctor: What’d they say?
Bill: “Pray for us.” When do a bunch of scientists ask for prayers?
The Doctor: The same time anyone does. When they’re very, very afraid.
The Doctor: Particle physicists and priests. What could scare them both.
Bill: Are you trying to get rid of us?
The Doctor: Why?
Nardole: Because you’re sending us into the dark after a man with a gun.
The Doctor: Ah! Well, I thought of that.
Nardole: Thank you.
The Doctor: Nardole, make sure you walk in front of Bill.
Nardole: I’m the only person you’ve ever met or will ever meet who is officially licensed to kick the Doctor’s ass. I will happily do the same to you in the event that you do not align yourself with any instructions I have issued, which I personally judge to be in the best interest of your safety and survival. Okay? Bill?
Bill: Okay.
Nardole:Good-o!
Bill: Nardole! Are you secretly a badass?
Nardole: Nothing secret about it, baby doll.
Bill: You’re right.
Nardole: About what?
Bill: It would be stupid to go and look. {they both head toward the portal}
Missy: I am your friend.
The Doctor: Makes no difference.
Missy: I know it doesn’t. I know I’m going to die. I have to say it. The truth. Without hope. Without witness. Without reward. I am your friend.
The Doctor: On my oath as a Time Lord of the Prydonian Chapter, I will guard this body for a thousand years.
Pentagon Woman (Alana Maria): Do you have clearance for Floor Three?
Nardole: Floor Three of what?
Pentagon Woman: Of what?
Bill: Of what?
Pentagon Woman: The Pentagon.
The Doctor: Thing about the Universe is, whatever you need you can borrow. As long as you pay it back. I just borrowed from my future. I get a few minutes of proper eyesight, but I lose something. Maybe all my future regenerations will be blind. Maybe I won’t regenerate ever again. Maybe I’ll drop dead in 20 minutes, but I will be able to read this.
The Doctor: Now I’ve read a lot of books that this chair would be quite useful for. Moby Dick. Honestly, shut up and get to the whale.
The Doctor: If you don’t want me to read it you could have stopped me anytime you wanted. Why the play acting? This is not a game.
Monk (Jamie Hill): This is a game.
The Doctor: Good. Because I win!
Nicolas (Laurent Laurel): In vino veritas.
Bill: Why are you doing this? You’ve got explosives.
Nicolas: We’re saving the world.
Nardole: You know, we should go. We should probably even run.
Bill: How is blowing yourselves up saving the world?
Nicolas: Because this isn’t the world.
Nicolas: Choose a number. Any number. Both of you. Now. And say it when I tap this table. {tap}
Nardole and Bill: 36.
Nicolas: Try again. Keep going. {taps}
Both: 17.
[Soon everyone joins in]
Bill: What is this? How are you doing that?
Nicolas: It’s a test. It’s a shadow test. Oh, I’m really very sorry. {he laughs}
Nardole: Oh! Oooh!
Bill: You okay?
Nardole: No. Yes. No!
Nardole: Those worlds, they’re all projected. The Pentagon, the Vatican, CERN.
Bill: They’re not real?
Nardole: No, no, they’re holograms. They’re holographic simulations—and the people in them, too.
Bill: Sorry, what?
Nardole: You know, like the Holodeck on Star Trek. Or a really posh VR without the headset. Through there, those places, that’s basically Grand Theft Auto.
Nardole: Those machines, they project the simulations. And I’m just wondering… what happens if we move outside the light of the projector. Don’t let me be right. Please don’t let me be right. Oh! I’m part of it. I’m part of the simulation. Bill! I’m not real!
The Doctor: Bill, is that you?
Bill: Hello, Doctor. Is that the President?
The Doctor: It was.
Bill: I take it he read the Veritas.
The Doctor: So did I.
The Doctor: The Veritas tells of an evil demon who wants to conquer the world. But to do it, he needs to learn about it first. So he creates a shadow world. A world for him to practice conquering. Full of shadow people who think they’re real.
Bill: There was a, a thing. The Shadow Test?
The Doctor: IF you doubt whether you’re real or not, the Veritas invites you to write down as many numbers as you like. Of any size, any order. And then turn the page.
Bill: All the same numbers in the same order.
The Doctor: Yes.
The Doctor: Let’s bring the story up-to-date, Bill. Imagine an alien lifeform of immense power and sophistication and it wants to conquer the Earth. So it runs a simulation. A holographic simulation. All of Earth’s history, and every person alive on the surface—a practice Earth, to assess the abilities of the resident population. Especially the ones smart enough to realize that they are just simulants inside a great big computer game.
Bill: But this, this…. This— {she taps the table} This is real. I… I feel it.
The Doctor: Computers aren’t good with random numbers. If you ask a computer-simulated person to generate a random string of numbers, it won’t truly be random. If all the simulated people are part of the same computer program, then they’ll all generate the same string. The exact same numbers.
Bill: The numbers. I said them too.
The Doctor: I know. So did I.
The Doctor: Those deaths, they weren’t suicide. Those were people… escaping. It’s like, um, Super Mario figuring out what’s going on and deleting himself from the game because he’s sick of dying.
Monk: We have killed you many times.
The Doctor: Then what are you waiting for? Kill me now.
Monk: You suffer. Pain is information. Information will be gathered.
The Doctor: Turn me off. Turn me off! I have nothing. Not even hope.
Missy: Without hope. Without witness. Without reward.
The Doctor: Funny. I don’t believe much. I’m not sure I believe anything. But right now, belief is all I am. Virtue is only virtue in extremis. I take it that your intention is to invade the Earth.
Monk: The simulations have been run. The Earth will be ours.
The Doctor: Well consider this a warning on the eve of of war. I am the Doctor. I am what stands between you and them.
Monk: You are not the Doctor. You are not real.
The Doctor: You don’t have to be real to be the Doctor. As long as you never give up. Long as you always trick the bad guys into their own traps. And here’s the trap you fell into: Your simulation is far too good. D’you see these? They’re set to record. I’m blind, you see. So I’m psychically wired into these. So my memory imprint of the last few hours will still be intact on here. Information about you.
Monk: You are not real, there is nothing you can do.
The Doctor: There’s always one thing you can do from inside a computer. Even if you’re a jumped-up little sub-routine you can do it. You can always… email.
The Doctor: PS Dear Doctor, Save them. —The Doctor x.
The Doctor: Something’s coming, Bill. Something very big and possibly very bad. and I have the feeling that we’re going to be very busy.
The Doctor to the vault: Listen. If it comes down to it. If you’re all I’ve got left and I need your help, you said I’m your friend.
Missy: Oi! Get off! I’ve just been executed. Show a little respect.
Rafando: She’s… she’s alive.
I was just a bit sleepy, all right? Let’s not split hairs. Shut up. Night night.
The Doctor: Of course she’s not dead. She’s a friend of mine. I may have fiddled with your wiring a little bit.
Rafando: You swore an oath.
The Doctor: I swore an oath I’d look after her body for a thousand years. Nobody mentioned dead.
The Doctor: Do me a favor. The fatality index—look up “The Doctor.”
You have an entry. Just like any other sentient being.
The Doctor: Under “cause of death.’
Rafando: You do seem to have an impressive record of fatalities credited to you. A truly remarkable record.
Rafando: You stand alone.
The Doctor: Often.
Rafando: You’re the one who should be afraid.
The Doctor: Never.
Rafando: Have a nice day then! {he runs}
The Doctor: Something’s coming, Missy. And I’m blind. How can I save them when I’m lost in the dark?