Mal: Yep. That went well.
Seventy-two hours earlier…
Monty: Mal, why you got a piece trained on my wife?
Mal: She ain’t your wife, Monty.
Monty: Huh? I married her, didn’t I?
Mal: You ain’t the only one.
Monty: What the hell is going on here? What do you mean she ain’t my wife?
Mal: She ain’t your wife, ’cause she’s married to me.
Mal: You and lipstick are a dangerous combination if I recall.
Saffron (Christina Hendricks): Oh yeah. just like old times.
Mal: We don’t have any old times. I just don’t want you pullin’ a pistol out of… of anywhere.
Saffron: You missed a spot.
Mal: Can’t miss a place you’ve never been.
Mal: Oh you are a tweaked one, you are.
Saffron: But face it, Hubby. I’m really hot.
Mal: This is my scrap of nowhere. You go on, find your own.
Saffron: You can’t just leave me here on this lifeless piece of crap moon.
Mal: I can.
Saffron: I’ll die.
Mal: Well as a courtesy you might start gettin’ busy on that, ’cause all this chatter ain’t doin’ be any kindness.
Saffron: This was all your fault, you know. I had the perfect crime lined up.
Mal: Sure. You were gonna steal a man’s beard.
Inara: Would you like some tea?
Mal: Okay. What’s your game?
Inara: I offered you tea.
Mal: Mm hm. After inviting me into your shuttle of your own free will. Which makes two events without precedent. Which makes me more than a little sketched.
Mal: This is one of the crazier things I’ve heard today. And when I tell you about the rest of my day you’ll appreciate—
Inara: I’m not accusing you of anything, Mal.
Mal: Hey! No! Let’s set a course for the planet of the lonely rich and appropriately hygienic men. I’ll tell Wash. We can park there for a month.
Mal: How about I stay out of your whoring—
Inara: Well that didn’t take long.
Mal: —you stay out of my thieving. I know my job very well, thank you very much.
Inara: Right. You’re a criminal mastermind. What was the last cargo we snuck past the Alliance to transport?
Mal: That’s not—
Inara: What was the cargo?
Mal: They were dolls.
Inara: They were little Geisha dolls with big heads that wobbled.
Mal: Hey, people love those!
Inara: And what exactly was our net profit on the famous wobbly-headed doll caper?
Mal: “Our” cut? So you’re in the gang now.
Wash: I’m confused.
Saffron: You’re asking yourself, if I’ve got the security codes why don’t I go in and grab it for myself.
Wash: No, actually. I was wondering, what’s she doing on this ship? Didn’t she try to kill us?!
Saffron: Please. Nobody died last time.
Wash: We’re in space! How did she get here?
Mal: She hid.
Wash: I don’t recall pulling over!
Saffron: See there. All you gotta do to be a rich woman, hon, is get over it.
Zoe: Hm. Okay. clocks Saffron. I’m in.
Jayne: Captain says you’re to stay put, doesn’t want you runnin’ afoul of his blushin’ psychotic bride. She figures out who you are, she’ll turn you in before you can say “Don’t turn me in, Lady.”
Simon: This bounty on us just keeps getting more exciting.
Jayne: Well I wouldn’t know.
River: She’s a liar.
Jayne: That don’t exactly set her apart from the rest of us. And the plunder sounds fun enough.
River: She’s a liar and no good will come of her.
Jayne: Well as a rule I say girl folk ain’t to be trusted.
River: Jayne is a girl’s name.
Jayne: Well Jayne ain’t a girl.
Saffron: Brilliant.
Kaylee: Thanks.
Saffron: Except it’s idiotic.
Durran: You! {sees Saffron} You found her. You brought back my wife.
Durran: You’ve returned to me the only thing I truly treasure.
Mal: Well. Then this is a day I’ll feel good to be me.
Durran: You won’t disappear again?
Saffron: Never. {he leaves.} We’ve gotta move fast.
Mal: Yeah, he might come back and hug us in the act.
Saffron: Durran, this isn’t what it looks like.
Mal: Unless it looks like we’re stealing your priceless Lassiter, ’cause that’s what we’re doing. Don’t ask me about the gun though, ’cause that’s new.
Durran: Well I appreciate your honesty. Not, you know, a lot.
Durran: How long have you been together?
Mal: We are not together!
Saffron: He’s my husband.
Mal: Well who in the damn galaxy ain’t?!
Mal: I hate to bring up our imminent arrest during your crazy time, but we gotta go.
Saffron: My name’s not Yolanda.
Mal: Never entered my mind it was.
Saffron: I tried. I actually tried. I thought, this is a decent man. The genuine article.
Mal: A workin’ man. Strugglin’ to get by with the barest necessities on his private floatin’ island.
Saffron: Yeah, he had money. I thought it would help. I thought if I had everything then I wouldn’t want—
Mal: Heinrich the security programmer.
Saffron: You know I’d forgotten his name.
Mal: Addressin’ the itch of curiousness, did you marry him too?
Saffron: No. I didn’t kill him either.
Mal: No, don’t reckon there’s many you killed. Just put him in a position to die easy.
Mal: Yeah, you better run!
Inara: Honey, you look horrific.
Saffron: What are you doing here?
Inara: Oh. Just my part of the job.
Saffron: What part of the job?
Inara: You know, I put on a big act, storm away in a huff. Then I fly off, wait for you to double-cross Mal, beat you to the rendezvous spot and grab the loot before you can get to it. What? You didn’t see it coming?
Simon: How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?
Jayne: That’s crazy talk.
Simon: Then let’s talk crazy. How much?
Jayne: Anybody there. {River pops in}. Anybody else?
Simon to Jayne: I don’t care what you’ve done, I don’t know what you’re planning on doing, but I’m trusting you. I think you should do the same. ‘Cause I don’t see this working any other way.
River: Also, I can kill you with my brain.