Pilot Episode
Sam: Why does my mom always put a note in my lunch? It’s so embarassing.
Bill Haverchuck (Martin Starr): At least your mom doesn’t write the note on the bag.
Sam: Are you guys going to the Homecoming Dance?
Neal Schweiber (Samm Levine): Mmm, no.
Bill: I really don’t see that happening.
Sam: You really think Cindy likes me?
Bill: Hello? The jacket.
Neal: No way. We’re not her species.
Sam: Listen, just do me a favor. Ask around, see if she has a date for the dance.
Bill: Who should I ask?
Bill: These shorts aren’t exactly flattering, are they?
Sam: No. You look good.
Alan: You’re dead, Weird!
Bill: Alan?
Alan: What?
Bill: What’s the point of all this?
Alan: Point? The point is you’re dead too! Little Man.
Bill: I kind of wish I didn’t come to school today.
Bill: Dodgeball’s kind of a stupid game, isn’t it.
Bill: Oh man, my stomach hurts.
Neal: Bill, you’ll be fine.
Bill: No, it really hurts. I think I should go home. This is how Houdini died.
Alan: What are you losers doing on my street?
Neal: Nothing.
Bill: We’re kind of here to beat you up.
Neal: Bill!
Bill: Well we are.
Beers and Weirs
Neal: Why does she hang out with those guys?
Bill: I don’t know. Why don’t you go over there and ask her?
Neal: They’re gonna ruin her life. If you don’t care about high school, you won’t get into a good college, and no future and you’ll wind up dead or in jail.
Bill: Really?
Neal: Were you asleep during Scared Straight?
Bill: You’re in love with Lindsay.
Neal: I am not! What are you talking about?
Bill: Why are you getting so mad?
Neal: I’m not!
Why would you say that?
Bill: Because you have your book in front of your pants.
Neal: Shut up! Jerk.
Neal: Bill, Dallas sucks.
Bill: You suck! Dallas rules!
Sam: What’s non-alcoholic beer?
Bill: It’s just like beer but it doesn’t have that ingredient that makes you drunk.
Neal: Alcohol?
Bill: Yeah.
Neal: Every time you guys have a problem we dip into my Bar Mitzvah money. It’s not like I get to have another one.
Bill: Come on. For Lindsay?
Neal: Fine.
Bill: Mazel Tov.
Neal: Shut up.
Neal: What do you think’s gonna happen?
Sam: Well hopefully everyone will drink a lot of fake beer, have to pee a lot, and go home because they’re bored.
Neal: This is genius.
Bill: It’s my idea. I’m the genius.
Sam: Why did Neal invite her? Now she’s going to see all the dumb stuff in my house.
Bill: His plan is to distract you so he can hit on your sister.
Sam: Oh man! I’m so dead. What am I going to say to Cindy?
Bill: Don’t say anything.
Be dominant. It’s all— all about dominance. I saw this monkey show on PBS, you talk to her first it’s a sign of weakness. And she will not pick you to be her mate?
Sam: Are you drunk?
Bill: I think so. Yes I am.
Sam: Oh man! Go into my room, lock the door, and don’t drink anymore.
Bill: That’s very dominant.
Tricks and Treats
Bill: Nothing from the garage.
Neal: Okay.
Bill: And it has to be food. Okay?
Nothing from under the sink. No cleansers, no detergent, no furniture polish. And no cut-up bits of sponge.
Sam: Okay.
Bill: I’m just trying to to win ten bucks here. I don’t wanna die.
Sam: Why are you wearing a hat?
Neal: It’s the day before Halloween.
Bill: Like a costume? Kinda sucks.
Sam: Whitman is such a jerk, you know? She says you have to be “young adults”. We’re not adults. We’re kids until we turn 18.
Neal: Maybe you are. When I hit thirteen, I became a man.
Bill: That’s only in your temple, Neal, not in the real world.
Bill: If I were the Bionic Woman, what would I wear?
Bill as the Bionic Woman: I’m sorry Steve Austin. I can’t marry you. I’m mad at you right now. On the phone: What? I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Hold on I’m gonna put the phone on my bionic ear. That’s, that’s better. No, don’t talk so loud! Don’t forget I’ve got bionic hearing. About the fake breasts: No! These are not bionic! These are all me!
Bill as the Bionic Woman: Oscar Goldman! It’s me, Jamie Summers. Steve Austin is trapped in the, in the reactor— Hi. Mom. Okay, you can use the phone.
Bill: I just hope I get some candy I can eat. Yeah, I’m allergic to peanuts, licorice and nougats.
Neal: How can you possibly be allergic to nougat?
Bill: I don’t know. My doctor says I’m allergic to more things than anyone he’s ever seen.
Bill: Ma’am, I hope there aren’t any peanuts in those peanuts. ‘Cause if there are, I could die.
Bill: My bra’s chafing. Let’s just go home.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Bill: You don’t have hair in your pits?
Tests and Breasts
Bill: What the hell is that?
Neal: You think she’s single?
Bill: Looks like it’s from outer space.
Sam: This is taking forever.
Bill: Yeah. We could’ve made our own porno by now.
Neal: Hey, do you want to let the projector eat the film and have that Daniel guy kill you? ‘Cause, I mean, we can do that too.
Bill: Are we gonna go to hell for this? I don’t wanna go to hell.
I’m with the Band
Sam about Bill’s black socks: You look a little bit like my grandpa.
Bill: Oh yeah? Is your grandpa super cool?
Bill: You know to be honest, I don’t smell so good. I could probably use a shower.
Sam: No! We have to stick together.
Neal: Hey, if we don’t shower then we are going to “stick together”. You get it?
Bill: I hope I can still have kids.
Neal: Come on, you got hit in the groin. You didn’t have a hysterectomy.
Neal: My mom says that women prefer guys with a good sense of humor.
Bill: But you’re not very funny.
Neal: Screw you. I’m hilarious!
Bill: Oh, how witty. Get this guy on Hollywood Squares.
Bill: This push-up’s too hard to push up.
Carded and Discarded
Neal: Had to bring the big rocket, didn’t you?
Bill: What? So I got a big rocket. What am I supposed to do, cut it in half?
Neal: She is beautiful.
Bill: I can’t believe she’s gonna hang out with us.
Neal: What if I’m asleep right now, and this is just a dream, and any moment Maureen and I are gonna make love.
Bill: Ew!
Sam: Then what are we doing here?
Bill: Maybe this is my nightmare.
Maureen: God, Bill, your rocket’s huge.
Bill: Oh it is? I hadn’t noticed.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Neal: Man. Gordon reeks. You think he ever takes a shower?
Sam: Maybe he takes baths instead. My mom says that they don’t really get you clean.
Bill: Yeah. You just sit in your own filth.
Sam: Cindy is not abnormal.
Bill: Yeah? She cut the cheese.
Neal: Oh my god.
Sam: That’s not funny.
Bill: I heard it, man, I swear. She blamed it on the chair. But she cut the cheese.
Sam: Well some chairs make weird noises. What kind of a chair was it?
Bill: I don’t know. Vinyl?
Sam: Vinyl chairs always squeak.
Bill: It wasn’t a squeak. It was the sound of cheese being cut.
We’ve Got Spirit
Sam: Hey Cindy. How’s it going?
Cindy: Not good. Our mascot broke his arm and he got a concussion too. And now his mom won’t let go to bed tonight ’cause she’s afraid he’s gonna slip into a coma.
Bill: My cousin slipped into a coma once. And then when he woke up he spoke fluent Spanish.
Bill: Sam, I think that was a subliminal message. She wants you to be the new mascot.
Sam: What?
Bill: “We really need a new mascot.” “I really need a new mascot.” “I really need Sam to be the new mascot.”
Sam: You really think I should try out?
Bill: Open your eyes Sam! I mean that was the biggest come-on I’ve ever seen. She was practically feeling you up.
Neal: Being the school mascot has always been my dream.
Bill: Yeah. Since lunch.
Sam: Think there’s a subliminal message in there somewhere?
Bill: For your sake, I hope not.
Neal demonstrates his dance moves
Bill: Hula dancer Norseman?
Neal: Yes! A Norseman in Hawaii. That’s funny!
Bill: I can’t be seen with you.
The Diary
Coach Fredricks: Hello?
Bill: Um, hello? Coach Fredricks?
Coach Fredricks: Yep.
Bill: This is Mr. Crisp, Gordon Crisp’s father.
Coach Fredricks: Mr. Crisp? Uh, how are you?
Bill: Not good. I wanna give you a piece of my mind. I think it’s very unfair the way you’ve been running baseball in gym class. You always let the jock kids run the game. Now some kids, like Gordon—my son—never, never get a chance. ‘Cause you guys think he’s not very good. For example he may want to play shortstop. But, you know, you never give him a shot.
Coach Fredricks: Look, I’m sorry but, um, you know, I always assumed Gordon didn’t have any interest in sports. You know what I’m saying?
Bill: Well he does. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Coach Fredricks: I apologize. Alright, I’ll rectify this situation immediately.
Bill: Okay then. Thank you very much. Goodbye now.
Coach Fredricks: Alright, bye.
Sam: Is this the best cereal you’ve got?
Neal: I don’t know. I never eat breakfast.
Bill: Is that before or after you shave?
Looks and Books
Harris: It’s an interesting look, Sam.
Neal: Nah. Your hair’s not long enough to pull that off.
Bill: I think it looks weird. Like you’re trying to be all fancy.
Gordon: I don’t think you should worry about how you look, Sam. My mom always says you should be happy with what the good Lord gave you.
Bill: Yeah, well the good Lord gave you a lot, Gordon.
I’ve got a question for you: do you want to be a stud, or do you want to be a super stud?
Bill: Super stud, Sam! Go for super stud!
Neal: I’m telling you, you can light them. It’s methane.
Bill: Yeah, but what if the flame goes back inside? Do you explode?
Neal: Oh my god. Guess Elvis hasn’t left the building.
Bill: Hey, don’t make fun of him. That’s a Parisian night suit in case you didn’t know.
Gordon: A Parisian? Ooh la la!
Neal: No. It’s a jumpsuit. My grandpa in Fort Lauderdale wears them all the time because he’s too lazy to put on pants.
Neal: Why did you buy that?
Sam: Hey, you’re the one that said I should dress better.
Neal: Yeah, I didn’t say you should dress like Evel Knievel.
Bill: You guys, I think we’re directing more attention to us by doing this.
Gordon: This is cool. I feel like I’m in the secret service.
The Garage Door
Sam: I’m not going to hug you!
Bill: Why? I’m quite secure with my manliness. It’s okay to hug friends.
Bill: Do you remember when we said we’d tell each other everything?
Neal: Yeah.
Bill: Did you mean it?
Neal: Of course.
Bill: Even if it’s something really, really horrible? I mean, it might not be horrible, ’cause it might not be true, but if it is true, it could be pretty horrible.
Neal: Okay, Bill, you’re killing me, you gotta tell me now.
Neal: I’ll tell you one thing, when I get married I’m never going to cheat on my wife. Even if she gets old and fat.
Bill: Yeah. I’d be happy just to get a wife. But I don’t think I want the kind that gets old and fat.
Sam: I don’t know how you even get one girl. How does anyone get two?
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Miss Foote: You know Bill, you’re not a geek.
Bill: Tell that to the rest of the world.
Bill: Are you guys gonna eat with me?
Sam: Yeah. Why?
Bill: I don’t know, I just thought maybe I was too geeky to eat with.
Neal: Well you are, but we’re too hungry to care.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
Noshing and Moshing
Smooching and Mooching
The Little Things
Bill: Sam, don’t worry. It’s just a game. I mean, I’m good at Mouse Trap, and you’re really good at Kerplunk.
Sam: No. No no no, it’s not that. It’s just this thing with Cindy. She’s kind of, she’s kind of boring.
Bill: Really?
Sam: It’s weird hanging out with her friends. And, I mean, all she ever wants to do is make out and stuff.
Neal: I’d kill to be that bored.
Bill: Maybe you should take her out on a date and do something that you want to do.
Sam: But what if she doesn’t want to do what I want to do?
Bill: Then why are you going out with her?
Neal: Because she’s a goddess! Am I the last same man on this godforsaken planet? Hey, pass her over here. I’d move to the mall if she wanted me to.
Disco and Dragons
Daniel: All right, fine, I’ll be a dwarf, but my name is Carlos.
Bill: Carlos the Dwarf?
Daniel: Yeah, you got a problem with that, Gorthon?
Neal: Does his mom know you?
Bill: I don’t know. I never met her.