Pilot Episode
Alan White: Sam Weir. You really like Bill Murray, don’t you?
Sam Weir (John Francis Daley): Yeah, he’s great.
Alan: Bill Murray sucks, man.
Sam: No he doesn’t. He’s cool.
Alan: Oh really? What is he, your boyfriend? Sam Queer. It’s fighting time, Weir.
Sam: Leave me alone, Alan.
Alan: I’m sorry, I don’t speak geek. I always wanted to know what it’d be like to fight a girl.
Alan: You’re dead, Weird!
Bill: Alan?
Alan: What?
Bill: What’s the point of all this?
Alan: Point? The point is you’re dead too! Little Man.
Coach Fredricks (Thomas F. Wilson): Ladies! Put down the mascara, get in there and play!
Alan: What are you losers doing on my street?
Neal: Nothing.
Bill: We’re kind of here to beat you up.
Neal: Bill!
Bill: Well we are.
Beers and Weirs
The McKinley High Sober Students
Harris: Hey Mary. Happy Birthday.
Millie: Oh. Thank you, Bob. How’s it going?
Harris: Good. You did a really nice job decorating here. Do you know if anyone here has any cocaine?
Sam Weir: Keg of beer, please.
Liquor Store Clerk: Don’t see that happenin’.
Student: Nah, Neal. No. You wouldn’t want to trade places with me. Believe me.
Neal: I don’t know, I mean I’m Jewish. That’s no cakewalk either. I was elected school treasurer last year. I didn’t even run.
Tricks and Treats
Millie: You want some Lik-m-aid?
Lindsay: No—. You eat candy now? Millie, it’s 7:30 in the morning.
Millie: It’s just Lik-m-aid. It makes my spit taste like fruit juice.
Millie: Your car is really loud. My dad says you need a muffler. Once, he even threw a rock at you as you drove by. But… I guess you didn’t hear it.
Daniel: He threw a rock at me?
Kim: Hey kid, what the hell are you eating? Is that laundry soap?
Millie: It’s Lik-m-aid. Want some?
Lindsay: Millie—
Kim: Um, I’ll pass.
Harris: Hey guys, I heard you were going out for trick or treats tonight.
Sam: How did you find out about that?
Harris: Eh, word gets out, people talk.
But you gotta be especially careful though, the Halloween candy’s going to be really dangerous this year.
Bill: They say that every year.
Harris: Yeah, but this year there’s a bunch of evil hippies that don’t want Reagan to be president. So to interrupt the election they’re going to inject the candy with heroin, turn kids into addicts.
Sam: That’s not true! You just have to watch out for pins and razorblades.
Bill: Yeah, and rat hair is a big one.
Harris: You’re going to find yourself wishing for rat hair. Word on the street is they’re their putting poo in fun size candy bar wrappers and handing those out.
Bill: I love fun sized candy bars.
Neal: Oh that’s stupid. Like nobody’d be able to tell what it really was.
Harris: They dip it in chocolate first so you can’t tell the difference until it’s too late. See ya. he walks off and then turns back. Actually, it sounds kinda fun. Mind if I come with you guys?
Mr. Weir: What the hell are you supposed to be?
Harris: I’m a guy with a knife through his head.
Mr. Weir: Oh. Well. Mission accomplished.
Angry Parent: Hey! What’s the big idea scaring my kids?
Mr. Weir: I didn’t mean to, I—
Mrs. Weir: I’m sorry. I made him put this on. Here, give these to your children. They’re homemade.
Angry Parent: Are you crazy? I’ve been lecturing my kids for weeks not to take unwrapped candy. Those cookies could have razorblades or pins in them.
Mrs. Weir: I wouldn’t do that.
Kim Kelly Is My Friend
Millie Kentner: Hey! Those are for my French class.
Daniel: But I love sprinkles!
Millie: Fine just eat it.
Karen Scarfolli (Rashida Jones): What are you doing? That’s my locker.
Sam: Oh. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I thought it was mine. See, this is mine. I just got hit in the solar plexus so I’m a little out of it.
Karen: Yeah, I don’t want to hear your life story, okay? I want you to move your ass.
Karen: This your locker? {she writes GEEK across it in lipstick.} There. Now you’ll always know which one’s yours and which one’s mine. Okay, geek?
Karen: Hey! What happened to my artwork? I spent a lot of time on that.
Sam: I… I washed it off.
Karen: Yeah? Well how’re you going to remember where your locker is?
Sam: I’ll remember!
Karen: No you won’t.
Sam: Listen, I don’t want to have to fight you.
Karen: You want to fight me? Huh? Is that what you want? You want to mix it up a little bit? {Bill moans.} What was that, Bilbo Baggins?
Neal: I didn’t say anything. It was him.
Karen: Are you guys deformed or something? I mean, what’s the deal? Look, I guess I’m just gonna have to mark that locker again. This time in geek blood.
Millie: I heard about what she does in yearbook darkroom.
Lindsay: What she does? What? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Millie: She does it.
Lindsay: What do you mean, “it”?
Millie: She fornicates it, okay?
Lindsay: I doubt it. And so what if does?
Millie: I just think it’s sad.
Lindsay: We can’t all be Girl Scouts, Millie.
Karen: Hey, he hit on me.
Kim: Oh yeah? Well after school I’m gonna hit on you.
Tests and Breasts
Coach Fredricks: Weir! Do you have something to say?
Sam: No, sir.
Coach Fredricks: When you get the clap because you weren’t paying attention in health class is that going to be funny too?
Harris: Love is like homework. You’ve gotta study if you want an A.
Kowchevski: I know Daniel is cute with his bedroom eyes and his stringy hair, but he’s a loser. And losers pull down winners. Now, you’re a smart girl. Don’t let your hormones get in the way.
Coach Fredricks: When I was going through these questions I was a little disturbed by yours.
Sam: How’d you know it was mine? I thought, I thought it was anonymous.
Coach Fredricks: You were the only one with Star Trek notebook paper.
Mr. Kowchevski: I have the algebra test that Daniel took. If he can do the first problem, I will not only get down on my hands and knees and beg everyone in this room for forgiveness, but I’ll quit. I will resign. I will never teach again.
Mr. Weir: That’d be a start.
I’m with the Band
Coach Fredricks: Alright, simmer down petunias.
Alan: Hey Schweiber, you gonna show us your circumcision in the showers today?
Neal: Oh yeah, take a number.
Lindsay: I bet you guys are really good.
Sean: I don’t think so.
Lindsay: Do you guys have a name?
Nick: Yeah. Creation.
Daniel: No, we don’t have a name.
Mr. Andopolis (Kevin Tighe): Hello ladies. Gentlemen.
All murmuring: Hello. Hi.
Mr. Andopolis: I take it the symphony’s over.
Nick: Dad? I really think that I could make it as a drummer.
Mr. Andopolis: Nick. I really thought that I could walk on the moon.
Harris: Our bodies are merely a shell which conceal our heavenly souls.
Sam: I’m sick. I’m dizzy. I have a headache. And I’m nauseous.
Fredricks: Alright. Okay, go to the nurse’s office. Pick up the Academy Award on the way there, Weir.
Fredricks: Schweiber put on some clothes. You look like a 50-year-old man.
Kowchevski: Hey, this ain’t tea with the Queen. You leave now you’re still ten minutes late to class.
Alex (Paul Feig): Hey, good luck with that 29-piecer. Maybe some day you’ll knock it up to an even 30.
Alan: You guys are losers and you always will be!
Neal: Then how come you’re the one riding home with no friends.
Carded and Discarded
Howie Gelfand (Jason Schwartzman): Alright. How many do you guys need?
Nick: Four.
Howie: Didn’t I just get you one? You lose it already?
Daniel: Yeah, I’m not into astrology okay?
Howie: Astrology. It’s not astrology, it’s you, man. It’s facts. It’s who you’re supposed to be. June: Cancer. Libra: October. Capricorn: December. Know it. 1958. You are them.
Daniel: You gonna give us the I.D.’s or not?
Hey, Gelfand. You know what? There’s a box of Parisian night suits in the back and they’re not going to unpack themselves, alright?
Maureen: God, Bill, your rocket’s huge.
Bill: Oh it is? I hadn’t noticed.
Toby (Kevin Corrigan): Don’t play with that rooster. Don’t play with that rooster. That’s not a nice petty pet pet rooster.
Nick: Sorry.
Toby: No, you’re the only who’ll be sorry. Very dangerous.
Toby: Okay, now look like you’ve been waiting on line for two hours. Look like you don’t want to have your picture taken.
Girlfriends and Boyfriends
Mr. Lacovara (Trace Beaulieu): Alright. Let’s settle down. We’ve got a lot to do today. We’re going to be dissecting kittens. Just trying to get your attention.
Mr. Lacovara: Alright people, let’s find your lab partner. Remember, science waits for no man.
Ms. Yeats: Mr. Desario, don’t you have something to do?
Daniel: Right. But I thought we were going to do that after class, Ms. Yeats.
Ms. Yeats: Bestill my beating heart.
Kowchevski: Lord and Lady Skips-A-Lot. C’mon, lets go.
Daniel: Yes ma’am. I mean sir.
Kowchevski: Last one to class first one on welfare. It’s your choice.
Gordon: I know I smell, Sam.
Sam: What? What are you talking about?
Gordon: I may be smelly, Sam, but I’m not stupid.
Sam: Okay. So, what is that?
Gordon: It’s a medical condition. It’s called trimethylaminuria. It’s genetic.
Sam: Wow. Is there a cure?
Gordon: Not yet. But research is progressing.
Sam: So are you going to be smelly the rest of your life?
Gordon: Yeah. But I don’t mind. Nice people don’t care and it weeds out the jerks.
We’ve Got Spirit
Cindy: Do remember how I told you I had a crush on Todd?
Sam: Yeah.
Cindy: Well I don’t.
Sam: You don’t?
Cindy: No. It’s not like a crush. It’s like an obsession.
Vicki: The next high school mascot will be… Sam Weir.
Colin: It’s all politics!
Herbert (Shia LaBeouf): Hey Sam. When you’re climbing ’em, be careful not to pull their hair. Because they’ll jerk up. Okay? And when you’re climbing them, be careful not to pull their bra straps. ‘Cause they’ll wiggle and you’ll fall.
Sam: Alright.
Herbert: Alright. Now if you fall, be careful to cover your head so you don’t break your neck, okay?
Vicki: Perverts! Do you mind?
Cindy: Sam just because you’re nervous about the big game it doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me and Todd.
The Diary
Coach Fredricks: Hello?
Bill: Um, hello? Coach Fredricks?
Coach Fredricks: Yep.
Bill: This is Mr. Crisp, Gordon Crisp’s father.
Coach Fredricks: Mr. Crisp? Uh, how are you?
Bill: Not good. I wanna give you a piece of my mind. I think it’s very unfair the way you’ve been running baseball in gym class. You always let the jock kids run the game. Now some kids, like Gordon—my son—never, never get a chance. ‘Cause you guys think he’s not very good. For example he may want to play shortstop. But, you know, you never give him a shot.
Coach Fredricks: Look, I’m sorry but, um, you know, I always assumed Gordon didn’t have any interest in sports. You know what I’m saying?
Bill: Well he does. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Coach Fredricks: I apologize. Alright, I’ll rectify this situation immediately.
Bill: Okay then. Thank you very much. Goodbye now.
Coach Fredricks: Alright, bye.
Jock: Oh man. The geeks have inherited the earth.
Looks and Books
Harris: It’s an interesting look, Sam.
Neal: Nah. Your hair’s not long enough to pull that off.
Bill: I think it looks weird. Like you’re trying to be all fancy.
Gordon: I don’t think you should worry about how you look, Sam. My mom always says you should be happy with what the good Lord gave you.
Bill: Yeah, well the good Lord gave you a lot, Gordon.
Sam: Bill!
Gordon: My whole family’s big-boned. It’s genetic.
Harris: Besides, the world loves jolly fat guys. Burl Ives. Jackie Gleason.
Gordon: Santa Claus. Curly. Raymond Burr.
Neal: No. Raymond Burr isn’t jolly.
Gordon: Well he was extremely nice to me at last year’s auto show.
I’ve got a question for you: do you want to be a stud, or do you want to be a super stud?
Bill: Super stud, Sam! Go for super stud!
Kowchevski: Ladies, please! This is just for tomorrow’s scrimmage. This isn’t the last chopper out of Saigon. So can we please just crank down the drama a notch, okay?
Millie: You think Mr. Kowchevski will move you to first block?
Lindsay: He better. If I’m going to be on he Mathletes I’m going to be number one or else I’m not going to do it.
Bill: You guys, I think we’re directing more attention to us by doing this.
Gordon: This is cool. I feel like I’m in the secret service.
Harris: You’re not going to beat me up are you?
Daniel: No. What are you reading?
Harris: The monster manual. It’s the Dungeons and Dragons Handbook. Do you play?
Daniel: No.
Harris: You should. You’d make a good Dungeon Master. I can tell.
Daniel: Oh yeah? Thanks. Can I ask you something?
Harris: Sure.
Daniel: What do you make of me?
Harris: Excuse me?
Daniel: Well if someone asked you, “What do you think of Daniel Desario?” what would you say? Would you he’s a loser?
Harris: No, You’re not a loser because you have sex. But if you weren’t having sex then we could definitely debate the issue.
The Garage Door
Sam: Your dad’s the coolest.
Mr. Schweiber (Sam McMurray): I heard that!
Neal: Yeah.
Ken: Hey Sergeant Pepper, where’s the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club Band?
Amy Andrews (Jessica Campbell): Well looks like you ate ’em.
Kim: Yeah, Ken. When are the twins due?
Daniel: That’s not nice.
Amy: Lindsay, is this bonehead a friend of yours?
Lindsay laughing: No, he’s a pain in my ass.
Amy: Well, see you later, Elvis. Good luck with those muttonchops.
Amy: I love those funky sideburns. Don’t you just want to reach out and touch them?
Amy: Boy this is exciting. I could have seen this outside for free.
Ken: You are seeing it for free. I paid for your ticket.
Amy: Yeah. A whole two dollars. How are you going to live without it?
Chokin’ and Tokin’
Miss Foote (Leslie Mann): And George Washington Carver had many accomplishments. But he was best known for his work with the peanut. And for being Bill’s mortal enemy.
Miss Foote: You know Bill, you’re not a geek.
Bill: Tell that to the rest of the world.
Millie: You’re high!
Lindsay: What?
Millie: You’re on the pot!
Lindsay: How could you tell?
Millie: I’m not dumb, Lindsay. I know what high people look like. I went to a Seals and Crofts concert last summer.
Millie: I’ll go with you, but only for the safety of the child.
Lindsay: Thank you, Millie.
Millie: No. Thank your dealer.
Lindsay: We’re all unhappy. That’s the thing about life, Millie. That’s the horrible thing about life.
Millie: I’m not unhappy.
Lindsay: Yes you are. We all are.
Millie: Well, not like you guys.
Lindsay: Why not?
Millie: Because. I know God’s taking care of me.
Lindsay: I don’t believe in God.
Millie: I know. That’s why you’re unhappy. That’s why you’re stoned.
Lindsay: I love you Millie. Why aren’t we friends anymore?
Millie: I thought we were friends.
Dead Dogs and Gym Teachers
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Noshing and Moshing
Daniel: Am I a loser?
Harris: You’re not a loser because you’re having sex. But if you weren’t having sex, we could definitely debate the issue.
Jenna Zank: You know what punkers don’t do? Call themselves punkers.
Smooching and Mooching
!
The Little Things
Mrs. Weir: So I hear something very exciting is happening this week at school.
Cindy: That’s right. Vice President George Herbert Walker Bush is coming to our school to speak at an assembly in the cafeteria.
Kowchevski: Alright you guys. Come on, beat it. There’s no hanging out under the stairs.
Daniel: What? Since when?
Kowchevski: Since
the vice president is coming. Come on, give me a break. The Secret Service wants all these areas cleared out.
Daniel: How are we ever going to plan our coup?
Disco and Dragons
DJ (Joel Hodgson): Aren’t you one of those guys who’s always running in here yelling “Disco sucks?” What’s the matter, cat got your bong, man? Is that how you learned to communicate? Running in here and yelling stuff? Is that what your precious “rock ‘n’ roll” teaches you?
Ken: No, it teaches me that disco sucks!
Mrs. Bronner: Ladies, I’m not joking. Put out those cigarettes.
Kim: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were joking.