Gone Maybe Gone
Blair: I’m well aware of the deadlines, Mother. You don’t need to put any more pressure on me. The stress is making my hair fall out in clumps. Thank god for this chapeau. If the Olsen Twins can build a fashion empire bossing around pattern drafters then so can I.
Georgina: Hello Blair.
Blair: Georgina. I should have known it was you from the sound of that disdainful silence! Now I don’t want to know why you are picking up Dan’s phone, but please put him on so I can speak to him. This is serious. No one has seen Serena for months. Not even Gossip Girl has posted about her.
Georgina: And what could be worse than that? Always good catching up, Blair. Ciao.
Amira: I showed Chuck all my favorite spots.
Blair: Usually Chuck can find a woman’s favorite spot all by himself.
Chuck: Blair, you’re back. You brought a friend.
Blair: And who’s your mystery guest?
Chuck: I was just introducing her. Where were we?
Bart: Just leaving.
Blair: Swear to me that nothing is going on between you and Amira. When I saw you two together I thought you’d reneged on the promise we made.
Chuck: Never. She’s a weapon against my father, that’s all. They were involved in some off-the-record business deal. I brought her back to rattle him.
Blair: Oh, she was his translator. Well you’ve always expressed admiration for women who were good with tongues. And she’s very pretty.
Chuck: No prettier than your Jean-Pierre. He’s head of your public relations. Does he know how much you enjoy relations in public? You two seem close.
Blair: Well he’s been my constant companion since I returned to Paris. Focusing on work has made it easier to be away from you.
Chuck: If I had known it would be this difficult going our separate ways I would never have agreed.
Blair: Well we had to come to some kind of agreement or we never would have left that hotel room in Monte Carlo. And we have much to do. But like I said in the casino, I’m all in.
Chuck: My bet’s on us.
Blair: Haven’t you ever seen a Hitchcock movie or watch Dateline? There’s only so many ways this goes. Kidnap-ransom, torture-murder or brainwash-cult.
Chuck: Okay, Blair, we get it.
Blair: No, you don’t. We both know that Serena is quite capable of hurting herself. But this time I’m afraid I hurt her too.
Blair: Where are you going and what are you doing with her?
Dan: Probably the same thing you’re doing with him.
Blair: Saving Serena.
Georgina: No. Finding Serena.
Steven Spence (Barry Watson): Sabrina, you didn’t tell me you invited friends.
Blair: That is so Sabrina.
Nate: Oh, she loves surprises.
Chuck: Look at this. Trellis, chairs, pastor. This is a wedding.
Blair: And Serena was wearing a white dress! Either she’s the bride or she’s just really tacky.
Georgina: I told you, she’s obviously had a psychotic break. Serena’s taken too many happy pills and now she thinks she Sabrina from Dan’s book.
Dan: That actually sounds vaguely plausible.
Dan: Blair, why don’t you go find Serena on your own. You know I’m really not up for a super secret mission. Especially with you. I’m not even here to help. Georgina just dragged me along so I could, you know– {she slaps him} Oh. Okay.
Blair: What is wrong with you?
Dan: Ah, aside from the fact that my face now hurts? You know what, Blair? You chose Chuck. I don’t owe you an explanation. Good luck.
Dan: I don’t believe you.
Blair: Well I’m not going to let her just charge off without–
Dan: No, not Serena. You. That you chose Chuck, I don’t like but I begrudgingly accept.
Blair: Dan. Please don’t do this.
Dan: But then I find out that you’re not even with him.
Blair: I am with him. Or at least I will be. We made a pact. We have things that we both need to do on our own. But when we are both in that next place, we will be together. For good. End of story.
Dan: So I didn’t lose you to Chuck. I lost you to the idea of Chuck? At some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future, maybe.
Blair: Well when you put it that way.
Dan: You know, you had someone who loved you unconditionally, treated you right and wanted to be with you every day. And then you threw that all away to let Chuck Bass decide when he’s ready for you? You think you have an epic love, but all you have are excuses.
Blair: I have to go find Serena.
Serena: Why are you still here?
Blair: You didn’t think I was leaving without you? Or… without saying I’m sorry. Because I am, Serena. Thinking that I really lost you made me regret every horrible thing I ever said to you.
Serena: Well that’s a lot of regret.
Blair: However complicated our friendship got, I shouldn’t have let it go. I shouldn’t have let you go. BFF means Best Friend Forever, right? Well maybe it’s time to admit that we’re stuck with each other.
Serena: I appreciate the kind words. And I know that they’re hard coming from you, but I don’t want to be stuck with you. I want a fresh start. With Steven.
Blair: Fine. If that’s how you want it, stay here. You can have Poughkeepsie. Hell, you can even have Schenectady. But I get Manhattan. Have a nice life.
Blair: The two of us alone in your limo. You’re really tempting fate, you know that? Unless that’s your intention, of course. We’re both back in New York doing what we have to do. Maybe our pact is just an excuse for us not to be together.
Chuck: Blair, I love you with all of my heart. And that is the reason we cannot take the chance of messing this up.
Blair: Sure. Because what would your father think if you failed. that I distracted you. That you sacrificed your empire for me.
Chuck: Blair, you are a distraction. ‘Cause when we’re together you’re all I think about. And I would give up my empire for you. I would give up everything for you. After a couple nights in Monte Carlo, I lost track of all time.
Blair: We were exhausted and starving. I think I had an actual fever.
Chuck: That’s not why we need to do this. And neither to prove a point to my father.
Blair: Then why?
Chuck: In the past I blamed my mistakes on you and Bart was right on that count. It’s the boy that blames the girl, not the man. And that’s what I want to be with you. It won’t be much longer, I promise.
View all quotes from Gone Maybe Gone
High Infidelity
Blair: All these years of folding my sweaters and fluffing my pillows has really paid off. You’ve developed taste!
Nelly Yuki: You’re lying.
Blair: If I were, it would be to protect Waldorf Designs from your biased opinion of me. Which is based on nothing but good clean high school fun.
Nelly Yuki: I still have night terrors about Nairtinis and yogurt bombs.
Blair: Why do you look like the “before” pictures of people who need BOTOX? You can’t be worried that Poppy’s collection is better than mine?
Actually it’s pretty much the same.
Blair: What do you mean, “the same”? Like the same… quality? The same style?
Kati: The same, Blair. She’s using that exact fabric.
Dorota: She know you can do this, Miss Blair.
Blair: I hope she’s right. My entire future here and with Chuck depends on it.
View all quotes from High Infidelity
Dirty Rotten Scandals
Blair: Ah, there’s nothing I love more than the sound of a sweatshop in the morning.
Blair: The Devil is in the details and I’m about to start worshipping Satan.
Serena: What do you want?
Blair: I’m not going to even pretend to be calling you as a friend right now, because you have made it quite clear that you are not mine. But I do have a mutually beneficial business opportunity.
Serena: I highly doubt that.
Blair: I need a power It Girl to walk in my show.
Doctor: It seems as if you’re suffering from severe exhaustion and dehydration. Have you been sleeping? Eating?
Blair: Do I look like I’ve been eating? Don’t insult me.
Dorota: Miss Blair been running around like Rhesus monkey. She take no moment for eating or sleeping or resting or stopping. Is exhausting me too.
Blair: The minions are on probation because of Poppy-Gate and Dan is still furious with me. I just want someone who can read my mind. Is that too much to ask?
Chuck: Hello Blair.
Blair: Oh, the Ice Woman cometh.
Serena: I wanted to apologize about our conversation earlier. I know that I was way out of line.
Blair: Save it, Serena. What do you want?
Blair: So what you’re saying is you want to use me, your non-family, to make a good impression on your new “real” family.
Serena: Yeah. Yeah, having Sage in your show will save my relationship with Steven.
Blair: Okay, I’ll do it.
Serena: Thank you.
Blair: I’m all yours. Mind, body and scheme.
View all quotes from Dirty Rotten Scandals
Where the Vile Things Are
Blair: How dare Humphrey write that I am conniving, manipulative and stuck in high school. I am not all scheme and no substance.
Dorota: Hell hath no fury like a Lonely Boy scorned.
Blair: When my mother sees the dress orders she will be so busy singing my praises that she won’t have time to pay attention to–
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin):
Pay attention to what, Blair? What don’t you want me paying attention to?
Blair: Mother! Welcome home.
Eleanor: What is this, Downton Abbey? Everyone, back to work!
Blair: I know you’re upset, Mother, but my cotillion dress has already been ordered by the three b’s. Barney’s, Bergdorf’s, and lesser–but still relevant–Bloomgindale’s. I achieved your goal.
Eleanor: At the cost of my company’s reputation. A few
sales do not make up for a runway strip show and sex tapes! And bandage dresses without the bandages!
Blair: Well I admit a shift in marketing strategy may be called for.
Eleanor: No, the issue goes deeper than that, Blair. It’s you. You! And your split personality.
Blair: You must be referring to my ability to multi-task.
Eleanor: I am referring to your dark and scheming, and frankly, sexually-inappropriate side.
Blair: I like to think of myself as open-minded.
Eleanor: For as long as I can remember you have struggled between your two natures. I know that you are a beautiful, intelligent young businesswoman. But if you want to continue to run my multimillion dollar corporation, the deviant half has to go! For good!
Blair: I understand. There won’t be an issue. My Grace Kelly can defeat my Grace Jones. No problem.
Eleanor: Uh huh.
Eleanor: I will admit you have taken steps. Like the peonies were an elegant addition to the hand-written apologies you sent to each of the board members of the cotillion.
Blair: And Poppy did seem touched by my donation to her charity for children who can’t smile.
Blair: Well I have already admitted that I am powerless over scheming and that my life has become unmanageable. What else is there?
Eleanor: Amends. To the fashion community.
Eleanor: Ladies, how are we getting along?
Blair: Famously.
Nelly Yuki: Blair just tried to blackmail me. I’m sorry, Eleanor. I tried.
Eleanor: Daniel Humphrey was right about you.
Blair: You read that dreck?
Eleanor: On the plane. And his central thesis is correct. You are running my business like you’re still the meanest girl in high school.
Blair: Relapse is part of recovery. I’m trying. Please just give me one last chance.
Eleanor: I’m sorry, Blair. I can’t.
Blair: Hold it right there, Humphreak! Do you have any idea what a mess your article has made?
Dan: No, but I’m guessing you’re going to tell me even if I keep walking.
Blair: my mother demoted me thanks to your disparaging drivel.
Dan: Right, and I’m sure it had nothing to do with your work-related behavior.
Blair: Fix this! Or… when I’m done with you, you won’t even have Georgina Sparks’ couch in Brooklyn. I will fly Vanessa back from whatever third-world country she’s in if I have to.
Dan: Do you hear yourself? You’re trying to bully me into retracting an article about you being a bully.
Blair: No! I’m proving to my mother that I am the mature, polite, professional woman who should be running Waldorf Designs!
Dan: Blair, you tracked me down with your Spotted map, and threatened me with the return of Vanessa. You are not mature, polite or professional. And even your own mother knows it.
Blair: You are Mozart. I’m Salieri. No matter how hard I work I will never be you. And I think it was just my dark side trying to hide that. So. Effective immediately, I resign from Waldorf Designs.
Blair: How did you know where to find me?
Nelly Yuki: The Met steps? Where else would you go to make yourself feel better.
Blair: I made a mistake.
Eleanor: Many. Who hasn’t. You’ll have to be more specific, dear.
View all quotes from Where the Vile Things Are
Save the Last Chance
Blair: Just think, Dorota, I started off dressing the minions and now I’ll be dressing the masses.
Serena: Blair, I know that I’ve done some horrible things, but I am so sorry and I’ve come to make amends.
Blair: Amends would imply that there’s something to be mended. What you did can never be fixed.
Serena: You’ve sworn that our friendship is beyond repair in the past but we’ve always gotten through it.
Blair: Well this time is different. You seduced Dan on the bar at the Campbell apartment. At the very same spot you deflowered my first boyfriend. I would never be that cruel to you. On purpose.
Serena: I won’t accept losing you. So. I am just going to sit here until you realize how sorry I am and how much I love you.
Blair: Okay. What if Nelly is right? What if my line gets lost because I’m not in high school… my dad’s not a Beatle?
Blair: Well. If it isn’t Gypsy Rose Lee. Without the talent. I have no need for strippers or sex tapes at my pop-up shop, so please run along.
Sage: You should be thanking me. That tape got you exactly what you wanted.
Blair: And did it get you what you wanted?
Sage: Yeah, it did. My dad and Serena split up, which is how I want them to stay.
Blair: I want a meeting. With the heads of the five families.
Serena: Blair, I just wanna help.
Blair: If I choose to believe you and you really want to help, then come up with a new scheme before those teenage goombas ruin everything.
Serena: You’re about to get everything you’ve ever wanted. And tonight’s success is just the beginning.
Blair: Well this line was inspired by both of us. Ruling Constance together. This is your success too. I just hope that this night leads to… the other thing I’ve always wanted. To be with Chuck.
Serena: He loves you more than anything in the whole world.
Blair: You’ll find your great love too.
Chuck: I’m happy for you, Blair. Forget me.
Blair: Chuck? What happened?
Chuck: What I should have always expected. The only parent who ever loved me–the mother who chose me as a son–abandoned me. I finally had the evidence to vanquish my father. She destroyed it to protect him.
Blair: We’ll find new evidence. We’ll find another way.
Chuck: There is no other way. This was it. It’s over.
Blair: Well even if we can’t put Bart behind bars we can still be together.
Chuck: Stop lying to yourself. We made a pact. You fulfilled your side, I failed at mine. We can’t be together.
Blair: Chuck… please.
Chuck: Go. Just go.
View all quotes from Save the Last Chance
It’s Really Complicated
Blair: Yes it is true Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart–and stomach–but I guess this year a pumpkin macaron will just have to do.
Dorota: But every Thanksgiving you try to visit Miss Eleanor.
Blair: And this year I’m actually going to make it. Besides we both know that if I stay in town
I’ll just be meddling in other people’s affairs, and I promised myself I would not do that this year.
Dorota: Still no word from Mr. Chuck since pop-up show?
Blair: No, and I’m not going to call him either. Chuck only goes darker when I push him so I’m going to give him all the time and space he needs. He’ll snap out of his funk eventually.
Dorota: And you okay leaving Miss Serena alone with Mr. Lonely Boy?
Blair: Well I don’t want her back with that back-stabbing Brooklynite, but now that we’re best friends again I have to just hold my tongue and let this ridiculous relationship run its course.
Dorota: Like stomach flu.
Blair: Yes, and until then I will just play the supportive friend, which we both know I’m much better at from the other side of the Atlantic. Now, vite! Vite!
Serena: Please Blair. Come on, we really want to spend Thanksgiving with you and I’m not gonna take no for an answer.
Blair: Okay. If that’s what you really want then I as your friend will be there to make sure things run the way they should.
Dorota: What happened to no meddling this year?!
Blair: Did you hear her? She is getting domestic with that wool-haired whiner. Four major holidays stand between Thanksgiving and Serena being a June bride.
Blair: Further instructions will come forth from my avatar. Dorota.
Blair: What the hell took you so long?
Nate: And good morning to you too, Blair.
Blair: Chuck banned me from The Empire? He’s banished me before but that was when we were on a sex fast.
Nate: What do you want me to say? Chuck has hit bottom. All he does now is drink in bed and argue with Monkey.
Blair: Well I had no idea it was that bad.
Nate: Yeah, it’s that bad. He’s even given up on defeating Bart.
Blair: Well that can’t happen. We can’t let Bart win. We have to reinspire him.
Nate: What do you think I’ve been trying to do? Chuck didn’t even care when I told him Bruce Caplan mysteriously drowned.
Blair: His dentist?
Blair: I have an idea. All I need is a wampum pouch, a push-up bra and all of Bart’s computer passwords.
Blair: Did somebody call for a Thanksgiving spread?
Chuck: You just cost my dim-witted doorman his holiday bonus.
Blair: Oh. Don’t blame him. I said you called for a stripper and obviously I’m a convincing one.
I’ve come to kidnap you and bring you to Serena and Dan’s Thanksgiving.
Chuck: I’m not going anywhere, but you are unless you want me to call security.
Blair: Don’t be a grumpy Gus. Bart and Lily won’t be there. Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.
Chuck: What part of our last conversation did you not understand? As long as I can’t defeat my father we can never be together.
Blair: Well… just because we can’t live happily ever after doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun once in awhile.
Chuck: We made a pact. Need I remind you what that means?
Blair: But it’s been too long since Monaco. Pocahontas needs her John Smith.
Chuck: I always thought of myself as more of a John Rolfe kind of man.
Blair: That’s my Chuck. You can play both. After dinner.
Blair: Lily could care less about an oil embargo or a faked death. But a real one? Or two?
Blair: I’ve been holding my tongue because we’re finally friends again and the only thing I care about is that you are happy and in love. But Dan Humphrey is not the one.
Serena: I don’t want to lose our friendship again either, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say any more.
Blair: He is a self-promoting hipster weasel who’s thrown every one of his friends under the bus, and I’m not going to sit by and wait for him to do it to you too.
Serena: I know in your twisted but loving way you’re trying to be protective. But you’re wrong about Dan. So please just accept him and this’ll be the best Thanksgiving ever.
Blair: Are you okay?
Serena: I don’t know. But you can gloat. You were right.
Blair: For the first time ever I’m sorry I was. Well, ninety percent of me is sorry. Ten percent of me is glad I was right.
Serena: Thanksgiving is ruined once again.
Blair: Are you kidding? What is Thanksgiving without a side of drama? And pie. Apple or pumpkin?
Both.
Blair: I promise it’ll get better. Nate and I survived both our chapters.
Blair: I just got your text. What happened?
Chuck: Lily has finally seen the light. She’s going to help me take down Bart. Will you go to war with me?
Blair: I thought you’d never ask.