Season 2

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Summer, Kind of Wonderful

The story continues…

Blair: You didn’t do anything? All summer? Please don’t tell me you just sat around watching The Closer and eating takeout from Nick and Tony’s.
Serena: No. Della Femina.

Blair: The only thing lamer than dating Dan Humphrey is mourning Dan Humphrey.

Chuck: You’re lying.
Blair: I am not!
Chuck: Your eyes are doing that thing where they don’t match your mouth.
Blair: I wasn’t aware that robots got jealous. Did they update your software while I was away?

About James
Blair: I bet you’ll like him just as much as I do.
Chuck: Oh and if by that you mean I won’t like him at all, you’re right.

Blair: Oo, a honk instead of a knock. Did someone order a townie?
Serena: And god, the lifeguard’s got a Camaro. And not in an ironic I’ve-got-a-Camaro way.

Chuck: Look, I know what that pin means to you. You gave it Nate the first time you said you loved him.
Blair: Well I asked for it back. I thought James should have it now.
Chuck: Do you, ah, really feel the same way about him as you did Nate?
Blair: I do.
Chuck: I’ll see you at school.

Blair: Oh my goodness, my pin must’ve gotten caught on your sweater by mistake.
James: Oh wow. I didn’t feel anything.
Blair: Neither did I.

Blair: Damn that Motherchucker!

James: It’s no wonder you hate Charade. It hits too close to home.
Blair: You don’t understand. Chuck. Is an awful person. He does terrible things. He uses people.
James: And you think you’re any different.

James: I bet you don’t even like me.
Blair: No. Well, you’re a little boring.
James: Am I? Or are you just too interested in yourself to get to know me? You two deserve each other.

James: I haven’t been honest with you.
Blair: Okay, spill it.
James: I don’t go to Princeton or Georgetown or any school whatsoever. I’m afraid I slipped up on that detail. My name is actually Marcus Beeton. I’m British. And a Lord.

Marcus: Tell me, what else do you think about me?
Blair: Keep talking in that accent and I’ll come up with something.

Chuck: I was scared that if we spent the whole summer together that you’d see.
Blair: See what?
Chuck: Me. Please don’t leave with him.
Blair: Why? Give me a reason. And “I’m Chuck Bass” doesn’t count.
Chuck: ‘Cause you don’t want to.
Blair: Not enough.
Chuck: ‘Cause I don’t want you to.
Blair: That’s not enough.
Chuck: What else is there?
Blair: The true reason I should stay right where I am and not get in the car. Three words. Eight letters. Say it, and I’m yours.
Chuck: I… I…
Blair: Thank you. That’s all I needed to hear.

Never Been Marcused

Blair: Since you don’t go to Princeton or Georgetown I assume you’re not headed back to college. So where are you headed? Are you staying here?
Marcus: Well would it be too forward of me to say I’ll go wherever you go.
Blair: I’d be honored, m’lord.
Marcus: Blair, you don’t have to call me that.
Blair: I know. I was up all night reading Debrett’s Peerage. I’m well-versed in your laws and ways. I’m ready to meet the Queen. Which I also watched on DVD, BTW.

Blair: It’s like Roman Holiday. Only I’m Gregory Peck and he’s Audrey Hepburn.

Serena: And you really expect me to believe this isn’t all revenge on Chuck?
Blair: Revenge is so twelve hours ago.

Blair: Charles. Sidebar.
Chuck: Actually we weren’t finished.
Blair: Notice how my voice didn’t go up at the end. Not a question.

Blair: Well done, Dorota. I like what I’m seeing. Now make the library the Sky Terrace; the renoculous, dahlias; the [?]. And I think we’ve got ourselves a party.
Dorota: Thank you, Miss Blair.
Blair: This guest list, however, is a complete page one.
Dorota: But those are your friends.
Blair: Then invite strangers! I have to present myself as a crown jewel. Surrounded by other, smaller, slightly flawed gems. But quality none the less. And try to round up a few people who can vote so it doesn’t feel like a total high school party.

Blair: Marcus dated the descendant of Princess Grace. His consort needs to be able to host royal dinners and hobnob with oligarchs and dictators.
Serena: Well if you can’t find common ground with a dictator I don’t know who can.

Serena: Wait, so does this mean you actually think Dan has a redeeming quality?
Blair: Well as long as he knows his arse from his Arsenal I think he’s aces.

Chuck: I thought you might like to meet my friend.
Blair: Why? So she could warn me about the effects of too much botox?
Catherine: Blair, is it? I’m Duchess Beeton.

Blair: This party’s a complete bust. My whole life’s a bust.
Serena: Well it serves you right. You were scheming to convince Marcus you’re someone you’re not.
Blair: But my intentions were good. I really do like him, I just— As soon as I knew he liked me I would have relaxed and dropped the manipulative plotting and devoted myself to being the best girlfriend ever.
Serena: See? Thank you! There’s my B. Show this girl to Catherine and she’ll want you to be with Marcus. This is you, just be yourself.
Blair: She made Waldorf rhyme with Spears. I may as well have gone commando and held my party at Nyla’s Burger Basket.

Nate: Well I don’t think I have to explain myself to you.
Blair: No explanation necessary. I think I’ve got it.

Blair: Can I just say how sorry I am that I judged you earlier?
Catherine: You judged me?
Blair: I thought you were just a callow, social-climbing, former swimsuit model who married above her station only to be enslaved by her own insecurities. But now that I’ve seen you rolling around on the floor with my adolescent ex I understand you have a compassionate side too.

Chuck: Did you enjoy meeting Duchess Beeton?
Blair: I did.
Chuck: That’s not sarcasm in your voice, that’s—
Blair: Victory. I know. Your plan to ruin me totally backfired. Turns out Marcus’ mommy is even sicker than you are.
Chuck: You got along great.
Blair: I think she recognized a part of herself in me. Or rather I recognized someone in her.
Chuck: I don’t follow.
Blair: All you need to know is that you lost. But don’t be too hard on yourself. It was a solid effort.
Chuck: Tomorrow’s another day.
Blair: Goodnight Chuck.
Chuck: Goodnight Blair.

The Dark Night

Marcus: I thought you wanted my help with this party you’re hosting.
Blair: A back-to-school party for seniors and my parents. It can wait.
Marcus: But someone could walk in. Dorota.
Blair: So? Did you see Atonement? That scene in the library when they’re discovered.
Marcus: Blair, that’s not you.
Blair: It’s not?
Marcus: You’re a delicate little flower. Nothing like that trollop Keira Knightley.

Serena: Eleanor comes home today. You excited she finally gets to meet Marcus?
Blair: And see why he’s so wonderful. It’s not often you find a man who’s intelligent, sophisticated, has an appreciation for Golden Age Hollywood and is a gentleman to boot. You know he hasn’t pressured me about sex once. Once. Not once.

Serena: Why can’t you support me?
Blair: Have you two talked about everything? About all the very real reasons you broke up last year?
Serena: Not completely.
Blair: Well when you do, if you’re still together, I’ll be happy for you. ‘Til then I just think you’re fooling yourselves.

Blair: You think I’m just going to sit back and watch you have an affair with my boyfriend’s mother? Guess again.
Nate: So what are your plans? To distract me with Vanessa?
Blair: Yes. What about it?
Nate: It’s just as your plans go it’s kind of nice.
Blair: A? Don’t be offensive. And B. From what I just witnessed if you want to keep her you’re going to have to step it up.

Blair: Duchess, it’s me. He’s bringing her. And for the record, whatever you’re planning with Nate? My bedroom floor’s off limits.

Catherine: Blair, have you seen Nate?
Blair: Um, no. It’s a blackout.

Marcus: Did you really not know it was him? Can you honestly tell me that?
Blair: No I knew it was him.
Marcus: Thank you.
Blair: But I want you.
Marcus: No, Blair. You want my title.

The Ex-Files

Blair: It’s for your own good S. They were going to lunch together. Lunch. As in the meal before dating.

Serena: This is wrong.
Blair: Eating here? I know. But the Met steps are totally under construction.

Vanessa: I’m trusting you Blair.
Blair: Like you have a choice.

The Serena Also Rises

Chuck: Watching you fail spectacularly gives me so much joy.
Blair: And you know what you give to everyone Chuck? Misery. There’s a reason you’re always out here alone.
Chuck: Nate just happens to be away at his grandparents.
Blair: Nate’s only friends with you out of habit. The only person with fewer friends than you is Dan Humphrey. And at least his lame 90s dad likes him. And that’s because he’s something you’ll never be: a human being.

Jenny: I waved the white flag at school. Why can’t you just claim your throne and leave me alone?
Blair: Because I can’t!
Jenny: This is about Serena. I didn’t realize.
Blair: And why would you?
Jenny: You might be privileged, Blair, but you work for every single thing you’ve achieved. Like me. Serena just glides through.
Blair: Tell me about it.
Jenny: I wanted to be your friend last year for a reason. I wanted you to like me.

Blair: You blew off our most beloved tradition.
Serena: Just get over it, Blair.
Blair: Excuse me?
Serena: My whole life I have been bending over backwards to protect your feelings. And you know what? It’s not my fault you’re so insecure.
Blair: And I’m sure it’s not your fault you’re so conceited.
Serena: I’m just tired of trying to hold myself back so I don’t outshine you.
Blair: Oh my god. Can you hear the words that are coming out of your mouth?
Serena: It’s just the truth. From now on, I’m going to be who I am. And if you can support that and not be threatened and competitive, then great. If not…

New Haven Can Wait

Blair: If there’s one thing I know it’s that I give good interview. I could make Larry King cry.

Serena: So you’re off to Yale?
Blair: Your deductive reasoning skills are perfect for a place like Brown.
Serena: A place like Brown?
Blair: An enclave of trustafarians and children of celebrities who major in drum circles and semiotics. Whatever that is. I can’t wait for you to come home next Thanksgiving a militant veganista. Anemic and proud!
Serena: Brown is an Ivy League school.
Blair: Everyone knows that the only real Ivys are the Holy Trinity. Harvard, Yale and Princeton.
Serena: Well I know you may find this hard to believe, but not everyone wants to go to Yale because not everyone wants to be Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Not everyone can be.

Blair: Of all the things—Nate, my mom, the girls at school—you wouldn’t take this from me. Because if you do, I swear I will take you down.
Serena: I’m not taking anything from you, Blair. I was invited. And as for taking me down. I’d love to see you try.

Dean Berube: The person you would most like to have dinner with, living or dead is: “Pete Fairman”. I do not know this Pete Fairman.
Serena: He’s… he’s…
Blair: He’s the man she killed.

Blair: I’m sick of always looking like Darth Vader next to Sunshine Barbie. Life’s too short. And you make it feel so long.

Blair: What are you doing here? Making sure the Dean knows it’s all my fault?
Serena: No. I came to tell him that Yale is your dream and you deserve to go here more than I do. What are you doing here?
Blair: Doing the same thing for you.
Serena: I was up all night thinking about the first time we came here together when we were nine. Your dad took us to that Harvard-Yale game and you tackled Senator Shumer’s daughter for wearing a Harvard sweatshirt.
Blair: I bet those grass stains never came out.
Serena: I don’t want to not know you. I can’t not know you.
Blair: Maybe we just had that fight because the reality of being separated next year is just too scary to think about.

Chuck in Real Life

Blair: Poor Chuck. What is life without a friend to share it. Oh. It looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey.
Chuck: Who cares. I’d rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway.
Blair: Uh uh. Been there, done that. Been decontaminated.
Chuck: We both know you’ll do it again. It’s just a question of when.
Blair: The answer is Never.
Chuck: We’re inevitable, Waldorf.
Blair: Despite whatever vestigial attraction my body may feel for you, my brain knows better. And yours should too.

Penelope: Kelsey Kelsey Kelsey. How many times must we tell you. As one of the girls at the steps you represent Constance royalty.
Iz: So it should come as no surprise that many girls before you have gotten the axe when their choices reflected poorly on us.
Kelsey: I didn’t realize.
Blair: That tights are not pants?!?! Honestly!
Vanessa: Blair, you got a minute?
Blair: Sixty seconds, clock it. What are you doing here with those? Shouldn’t you be at Whole Foods?

Chuck: Waving the white flag are we?
Blair: Not exactly. I’ve got a proposition for you.
Chuck: I’ll say yes.
Blair: That little troll Vanessa is working my last nerve.
Chuck: Not what I expected.
Blair: And then I realized, this could benefit both of us.
Chuck: You had me until “troll”.
Blair: Dan stole your best friend. Now you can steal his. Seduce and destroy.
Chuck: What’s in it for me?
Blair: The thrill of the impossible. The only person Vanessa loathes more than me is you. It’ll be one for the ages.

Blair: Bet’s off.
Chuck: This game’s not over.
Blair: I’m calling it on account of boredom.

Blair: I’m prepared to settle.
Chuck: Maybe I’m not.
Blair: Chuck Bass. I will never say those words to you.
Chuck: Then you will never have me.
Blair: Is this because of Vanessa? It was a game, Chuck. That’s it.
Chuck: Maybe I want to raise the stakes. Are you ready to play that game? I chased you for long enough. Now it’s time you chased me.
Gossip Girl: And some things never change. Let a new game begin. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Prêt-à-Poor J

Gossip Girl: Every girl fantasizes about finding her Prince Charming. But if that Prince refuses to come…
Dorota: You are late. Time for breakfast.
Blair: I’ll be down in a minute. I just have to finish something.
A girl has to take matters into her own hands.
Dorota: Don’t forget: God always watching Miss Blair.

Chuck: Wanna get in? I’d love to give you a ride.
Blair: Oh I’m sure you would. Too bad you’ve made the terms of that arrangement impossible.
Chuck: About that. Maybe I was a little too hasty. Come on. Get in.
Blair: Maybe I don’t want you anymore.
Chuck: Don’t torture me. I’m dying. As Blair approaches the car, Chuck locks it. All you have to do is say those three magic words.
Blair: I hate you.

Blair: You know just because you two are making a doomed attempt at being friends doesn’t mean I have to play the enabler.

Blair: I have an itch that only Chuck can scratch and he won’t oblige unless I tell him I love him.
Dan: You need help getting Chuck to sleep with you? Really?
Blair: You hear the judgment in his voice right now, right?
Serena: He’s working on that.

Blair: I was thinking I would just disappear for awhile and give him a taste of life without me.
Dan: No. That’s a terrible idea. Don’t disappear. Become unavoidable. Chuck may be a deviant but he’s still a man. So just, you know, drive him crazy, wear him down. You should be good at that.
Blair: Well look who finally got a little interesting.
Dan: I’m sure it’s a fluke.

Blair: So ever since Charlize Theron became the face of Dior I’ve wanted to change my signature scent and I’ve been trying out a new one. would you mind?
Chuck: Smells a little like desperation.
Blair: Yeah, well I’ll just keep on looking. Thank you. You’ve been very helpful.

Blair: I just wanted to thank you for encouraging me to throw myself at Chuck. I can skip dinner now that I’m so full of humiliation. Chuck was completely unmoved.
Dan: Well are you sure he wasn’t just acting like it didn’t work?
Blair: Unfortunately there was no hard evidence of that. Literally. I didn’t even get the chance to show him my necklace tangled up in my hair. The nape of the neck is Chuck’s kryptonite.
Dan: Oh, that’s good to know. So he just got up abruptly and he left?
Blair: Like a Bass out of Hell.
Dan: Well then you’ve got him right where you want him. Trust me. He’s headed home. Intercept him.
Blair: I’ll let you know what happens.
Dan: Oh… please don’t.

Blair: Chuck just texted me. He wants to meet me on the roof.
Serena: The roof?
Blair: Well this way if he doesn’t say it back to me then I can just jump. And then he’ll be really sorry.
Serena: Oh no, don’t do it B. You don’t want your obit to say you died in Brooklyn.

Chuck: What’s going on, Blair? You told me you had something to say to me. Say it.
Blair: Why do I have to be the one to go first? I was the one who waited on the helipad for you. I went to Tuscany alone.
Chuck: That’s ancient history.
Blair: I was the one who asked you to say it first.
Chuck: At the White Party? When you were on your way out with the Count? Did you really think I was going to say it then?
Blair: Yes! And when you didn’t I wanted to die.
Chuck: Don’t tell me you brought me all the way to Brooklyn for this. I thought you were ready to tell me how you really felt. Obviously this is just another one of your games.
Blair: My games? You’re the one who started this.
Chuck: And you’re the one who finished it.

Serena: Hey B. What happened?
Blair: It was a disaster, okay? I’m leaving.
Serena: I’ll come with you.
Blair: No, it’s fine. You stay. I just have to get out of here now.

Blair: Are you here to gloat?
Chuck: Over what?
Blair: Well you won. Pop the champagne.
Chuck: I didn’t win.
Blair: Then why does it feel like I lost?
Chuck: The reason we we can’t say those three words to each other is because they are true.
Blair: Then why?
Chuck: I think we both know the moment we do it will be the start of something and the end. Think about it. “Chuck and Blair going to the movies”. “Chuck and Blair holding hands”.
Blair: We don’t have to see those things. We can do the things that we like.
Chuck: What we like is this.
Blair: The game.
Chuck: That and I’m not sure how long we’d last. It’d just be a matter of time before we messed it all up. Look, I’d rather wait. And maybe in the future.
Blair: I suppose you could be some excruciating pleasure.

There Might Be Blood

Emma: Is my mom gone?
Blair: Yes. So what kind of movies do you like? Something where the animals sing, or— Oh sweet heaven.
Emma: So. Muffy McDonough’s been bragging about how she’s going to lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain. They call him the De-Virginator.
Blair: Oh my god. Stop your mouth from moving.
Emma: But now that I have the night away from mom and dad, we’ll see who’s first. I’m saying TTFN to my you-know-what.
Blair: Or, maybe we’ll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, Lohan.

Blair: Well, you finally did it. Made absolutely sure I’m never going to get into Yale.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Blair: Little Emma? Turns out she’s less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson.
Serena: Can you speak plainly?
Blair: She’s determined to become a woman on my watch. And if I don’t help pimp her she’s going to character assassinate me to the dean.
Serena: I don’t understand. I thought she liked ice cream and magic.
Blair: Next time leave the scheming to the experts. What are those?
Serena: Pictures from Camp Suisse. Aaron dressed up as Cecil the Caterpillar. I bumped into him outside The Palace.
Blair: The guy gave you a ring pop when you were six. Move on.
Serena: It was licorice and I was eight.
Blair: Ancient. Unimportant. History.

Blair: Text him!
Serena: I texted him like six times.
Blair: Well text him again! Before he screws that girl and any chance I have of getting into Yale.

Serena: You have to admit, the licorice ring was sweet.
Blair: Look. Even if you’re just being literal I don’t want to hear another word about your albatross until we find mine.

Chuck: Kittens, please. I found her table.
Blair: You’re behind the plot Bass. She already left.
Chuck: The bartender says she’s in the corner booth.
Blair: E. Boardman. Elizabeth. That’s not Emma. That’s her mother.
Serena: And that’s not her father.

Chuck: So Humbert Humbert’s name is Serge Gromance. His father plays tennis at the club. I know where his building is. Let’s go.
Blair: I’m going over there.
Serena: I’m late for the Gala. My mom’s texting me. Look, do whatever you want, Blair. But please, save Emma first.
Blair: Fine. We’ll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that it’s “Bulldog! Bulldog! Rah rah rah!”

Blair: You still don’t get it. Having sex for the first time shouldn’t be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute. It should be with someone you love.
Emma: Was your first time with someone you love?
Blair: Yes. It was. And honestly? There are better ways of getting your mother’s attention.
Emma: I told you, this is about Muffy.
Blair: Please. I wrote the book on distracted, self-centered mothers. My mom has never met a single one of my teachers. She regularly forgets my birthday. And she only comments on my appearance when she has something to criticize.
Emma: But you’re perfect.
Blair: True. But that’s why I finally realized it wasn’t about me. The same way it’s not about you.

Blair: Mrs. Boardman, before you say anything you’ll regret—
Elizabeth: What was your plan? Take my daughter clubbing and hope she’d plead your case to the Dean? I have some bad news for you, Miss Waldorf. From what I’ve seen, you’re not Yale material.
Blair: Oh you haven’t seen anything yet. Tell me, did you have a nice time with your Bryn Mawr friends?
Elizabeth: What is that supposed to mean?
Blair: Here. Let me lend you my phone. You’ll be needing it to make a call to New Haven.
Emma: Mom, this isn’t Blair’s fault—
Elizabeth: I told you to go to bed!
Emma: Blair was only trying to help me.
Elizabeth: You’re lecturing me? No wonder I don’t want to spend time with you. Bed! Right now! You were saying?
Blair: Just. Your daughter’s a great girl. You should pay more attention to her. Soon it’ll be too late.

Serena: B, it’s time to get up. There are other schools besides Yale. Like Princeton.
Blair: Princeton is a trade school. There’s only Yale.
Serena: Well I’m proud of you for not succumbing to your baser instincts. Hey, even though you might not get into Yale at least you won’t go to Hell.

Bonfire of the Vanity

Blair: Though it seems like just yesterday Serena and I were eight and playing dress-up in my mother’s vintage Manolo’s, my eighteenth birthday has finally arrived. So blood orange martinis or blue [] Belvedere?
Penelope: Why don’t we make drinks tonight and do a taste test?
Blair: Oh I can’t. I’m meeting my mother’s new boyfriend.
Hazel: Even moms have a boyfriend. And I don’t.
Blair: Cyrus has been one of my mom’s attorneys since the divorce. He asked her out when they first met but she didn’t want to mix business with pleasure. Finally his amorous overtures wore her down and she agreed to dinner. She’s been smitten ever since. One thing my mom has is good taste in men. Maybe a dashing step-dad is just what I need.

Blair: Dorota are you insane?!
Dorota: I don’t know.
Blair: You used the everyday china. Cyrus will think we’re just upper middle class.

Blair: I called you like ten times last night. Where have you been?
Serena: I went to the dentist at lunch. And yesterday I met Aaron in Times Square. B, it was the most romantic thing—
Blair: Who cares about plaque or pretentious artists when your best friend’s having a meltdown. He’s totally unsuitable.
Serena: Who is?
Blair: Cyrus. He’s five feet tall. He has a catchphrase. And he’s a hugger. I was expecting Cary Grant and I got Danny Devito!
Serena: That sounds… um, awful. phone rings Oh, sorry. I’ve got to run.
Blair: Aaron?
Serena: Yeah. He asked me to pose for him in his studio. To be his muse.
Blair: And you said yes?
Serena: Why not? It’s romantic.
Blair: No. It’s a death trap. Being a muse never works out.
Serena: Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists. Like Picasso.
Blair: Serena! A guy starts out in his Blue Period and everything’s great. But it’s only a matter of time before he’s all into Cubism and it’s some other girl’s eye coming out of her forehead.

Dorota: You have glow Miss Eleanor. Like Chinese lantern.
Eleanor: Well. It’s love, Dorota.
Blair: How can you possibly love Cyrus? He does all the things you hate. He uses the wrong fork. He slurps his soup, he wears sports socks. He’s short and pushy. He’s nothing like Daddy.
Eleanor: Which is precisely why I like him. Harold was lovely in a million ways but he had his secrets. Cyrus is someone I can trust.

Blair: Screw Grace Kelly! I need a scheme.
Dorota: Oh no.

Blair: Are the caterers done setting up downstairs?
Eleanor: Yes. And what about you, my sneaky daughter? Are you done yet?
Blair: What do you mean?
Eleanor: Cyrus told me that you had lunch together, he was very touched. Of course he doesn’t know yet that you have an agenda for absolutely everything.
Blair: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Eleanor: Blair. You’re not a child anymore. But you can’t help it, can you? You can’t help meddling and scheming.

Blair: I would say, “I told you so” but since I’m now eighteen I will refrain.

Blair: So Pablo’s already moved on. That was faster than I thought.

Blair: Cyndi Lauper! What are you doing here?
Cyndi: My pal Cyrus called me yesterday. He bought out my gig and asked me to play this girl’s party instead. I guess he’s madly in love with her mother. I’m looking for a Blair Waldorf. Blair offers her hand How do you do.
Blair: Make yourself at home. I— Oh! Dorota! This is Dorota. She’s your biggest fan.
Dorota: Oh my! Miss Lauper. Wait! Miss Blair. Where are you going?
Blair: I wanted a Harry Winston choker for my birthday and instead I got a conscience. I gotta go.

Blair: You threw in the towel rather easily. I expected a harder fight.
Cyrus: I’m smart enough to know that getting into a war with Eleanor’s daughter is never going to result in a victory.
Blair: So you retreated with dignity.
Cyrus: Who says I gave up?
Blair: Oh my god. You outmaneuvered me! You deliberately let me win counting on the fact that Cyndi Lauper would prey on my emotions.
Cyrus: I’m a lawyer. I do think a few moves ahead. Some of us can’t rely entirely on our looks, you know.
Blair: Well done.
Cyrus: Not enough.
Blair: Fine! You’re a genius. You better be good to my mother or I’ll be coming for you.
Cyrus: Those are fair terms.
Blair: Now. Come upstairs and stand next to me while I tell my mom the whole truth about the golden lion. She’ll be furious with me so I may need an attorney.

Blair: I can’t believe Aaron is Cyrus’ son. Of course you get the prince and I get stuck with the toad.

Serena: I really tried to deal with the casual dating thing but it’s just not for me.
Blair: Of course it’s not. Because beneath that free spirit façade you’re totally conventional just I am.
Serena: It’s not a façade. I believe in freedom. People following their hearts, doing what they want. You know I always wish I had lived in the 60s.
Blair: You believe in long hair, peasant skirts and sandals. But you in an open relationship, I don’t think so.

The Magnificent Archibalds

Blair: Even though Daddy isn’t coming, I’m determined to have the perfect Thanksgiving I didn’t get last year. You’re still going to help me make his famous pie tomorrow.
Serena: Yeah, but I can only stay for a couple of hours. Aaron is coming to meet my family before Thanksgiving dinner.
Blair: And how do you plan to introduce him? “Mom, you DVR Big Love. This is Aaron. And he’s just like Bill Paxton only younger. And with scruff.” I’m serious. The Serena I know would never want to share a guy she really liked with anyone else.
Serena: Well I’ll admit it’s been hard. I like him enough that I don’t want to date anyone else. And you can’t get the prize if you don’t want to compete, right?
Blair: There’s so many things wrong with that sentence. Here comes your Ghost of Boyfriends Past to haunt me.
Serena: Please, try to be civil.
Blair: Okay.
Dan: Hey, have either of you seen Jenny?
Blair: Oh, if she’s hiding from you she has better taste than I thought. to Serena I tried.

Blair: Remember, Serena doesn’t share!
Serena: Remember, Blair should learn to.

Blair: Mother, is there anything you want to tell me?
Eleanor: Why, yes, actually there is! And I will tell you tonight, at the restaurant, once everyone is assembled for dinner.
Blair: Of all the things you’ve done, Mother, this one is the worst. I’m your daughter. Lumping me in with everyone else to hear the news?
Eleanor: I don’t know what “news” you are referring to, Blair. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go check the reservations for dinner. She walks off
Blair: Dorota! Get it together. We’re leaving. If I’m just like anyone else to her I doubt she’ll notice I’m not at dinner.
Dorota: But it’s your favorite holiday.
Blair: Not anymore.

Blair: What are you doing?
Jenny: My dad and I got in a fight. I was crashing at Eric’s and he finally chased me down.
Blair: You’re lucky. You have a family who fights for you. Mine doesn’t even care if I’m there.
Jenny: Your mom loves you in her own way, Blair.
Blair: Not the way your father loves you. I’ve never had that. My own dad, as sweet as he is, isn’t here. Your father will go anywhere for you. Anytime. I know because I’ve sometimes made it happen. Sees Jenny looking at something over her shoulder What? What? Is it my hair?
Jenny: No. You’re just wrong.
Eleanor: Jenny. You look cold. Here. to Blair Come on dear, you’ve made your point.
Blair: I don’t think I have.
Eleanor: Well I think that you might feel differently when you find out what I have been waiting to show you.
Blair: I’ll come. On one condition. Jenny has to go home too.
Eleanor: I think that’s a terrific idea. Everyone should be where they belong on Thanksgiving. With their family. So c’mon. C’mon c’mon c’mon. We’ll drop you off.

It’s a Wonderful Lie

Blair: What do you want, Bass?
Chuck: It occurred to me today when I was having my afternoon shiatsu that I should choose your date.
Blair: You? Why?
Chuck: Why not? And it would let me prove I know you better than anyone else.
Blair: Fine. Then I choose yours.
Chuck: I bring a date for you, you bring one for me. Let’s see who’s paying attention to the other’s desires.
Blair: There has to be something to keep you honest. And to make things interesting.
Chuck: Name the stakes.
Blair: If you actually like your date, I get your limo for a month.
Chuck: Fine. And if you like yours I get Dorota.
Blair: What? Dorota?
Dorota: Yes Miss Blair?
Blair: Fine.
Chuck: By the way, I take my breakfast in bed.
Blair: What are you staring at? Go polish something.

Blair: Chuck is in for the shock of his life. I have depths he’ll never plumb, but I know every inch of his wafer thin soul.

Blair: I thought I made it clear that we need to find Chuck the perfect date. Kirsten Curran is the loosest girl in our class. Don’t you know Chuck doesn’t like his fruit pre-picked?
Dorota: She has long hair. In Poland long hair symbolizes—
Blair: And Elizabeth Phillips is somewhere between Mormon and moron. How did you come up with these?
Dorota: Facebook. I join few groups.
Blair: This has to be Chuck’s dream girl. Intelligent but not a bookworm. Strong-willed but still feminine. An equal. And he likes brunettes. With deep brown eyes.
Dorota: But Miss Blair, that’s you.
Blair: No. That girl is out there. And you better hope for your sake that I find her!
Dorota: Please, I don’t want to shine Mr. Chuck’s shoes for a month.
Blair: Yeah, his shoes if you’re lucky.
Dorota: What?
Blair: Nothing.

Chuck: You look lovely.
Blair: Not as lovely as I’ll look in my limo. So where’s my Prince Uncharming?
Chuck: Sandbox rules. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Blair: We both know that I’m your one and only. And a Canal Street knock-off seemed like the best option.
Chuck: My thinking exactly.
Blair: Fine. If Beta Bass is anything like the original I have no doubt that sooner or later he’ll disappoint me.
Chuck: And I’m curious to see if the new Blair has all the features I so enjoyed on the old model.
Blair: So the bet is still on.
Chuck: Unless you’re prepared to concede.
Blair: To you? Never.

Blair: Everyone—even our doppelgangers can work it out. But we can’t.

Chuck: Dance with me.
Blair: What’s the point, Chuck. We’re never going to be them. You said so, remember? It’s not for us.
Chuck: Maybe. But I wouldn’t change us. Not if it meant losing what we have.
Blair: And what do we have, Chuck? You tell me.
Chuck: Tonight. So shut up. And dance with me.

O Brother, Where Bart Thou?

Eleanor: Wow. That’s a good picture. Lily should send a thank you note to the editor. How is Charles holding up?
Blair: He hasn’t returned any of my calls or texts but the hotel says they keep sending up food so there’s something alive in that room.
Cyrus: You should try some capers with that and just a tickle of the sliced onion.
Blair: Maybe I’m underestimating his emotional bond with Kim and Krissy from room service, but I just think that at a time like this he should be with someone who cares about him.
Cyrus: Not enough! Not enough!
Eleanor: That is exactly why we are getting married so that we can always be around to care for each other.
Blair: It’s true.
Eleanor: Isn’t it.
Dorota: Just delivered, ma’am. For your trip to Paris.
Eleanor: Christmas in Paris.
Blair: How can you even think of your vacation the day that we’re putting Bart in the ground.
Cyrus: Because my dear, in the midst of death we are in life.
Eleanor: Genius.
Blair: Maybe Nate’s heard from Chuck. she gets up and leaves. Only to think better of it and come back and grab her food.

Nate: We should have just driven to the door and dropped him off on the steps.
Blair: No one should see him like this. He needs to walk it off. Okay, walk it off, Chuck. Lift knee, bend foot.
Nate: Maybe we should have just left him at The Palace.
Blair: It’s his father’s funeral. He needs to be here and show his respects.
Chuck: Respect. My father wasn’t shown much of that in his final days.
Nate: What’s he talking about?
Blair: Who knows. When we found him his shoes were on the wrong feet. Chuck, remember how in eighth grade you used to help yourself to the decanter in The Captain’s library?
Chuck: First got my taste for single malt.
Nate: That’s right. And you’d have to go home to a four course dinner without passing out in your consommé.
Chuck: Or my father would think less of me. What does that matter now?
Blair: Chuck, am I going to have to stick my finger down your throat? I’ll hold back your hair. to Nate What?
Nate: Sorry Blair. You had me, then you lost me.
Blair: Just straighten his tie.

Chuck: Hey! What the hell are you doing here?
Dan: Excuse me?
Blair: He’s just upset and loaded.

Nate: You’re really sweet with him.
Blair: Me? Sweet? No.
Nate: Yeah you are. I mean worrying about him, offering him food. It’s downright maternal.
Blair: I’m not maternal, I’ve just been spending too much time with Cyrus and I’m turning Jewish.

Blair: Chuck! Stop! Don’t go. Or if you have to leave, let me come with you.
Chuck: I appreciate the concern.
Blair: No. You don’t. You don’t appreciate anything today. But I don’t care. Whatever you’re going through, I want to be there for you.
Chuck: We talked about this. You are not my girlfriend.
Blair: But I am me. And you are you. We’re Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. The worst thing you’ve ever done—the darkest thought you’ve ever had—I will stand by you through anything.
Chuck: And why would you do that?
Blair: Because I love you.
Chuck: Well that’s too bad.

Blair: I told Chuck I love him.
Cyrus: Really? That’s wonderful.
Blair: No it’s not. It’s horrible. I thought that if I could finally say it that everything would change but he’s jut as selfish and soulless as ever. Only a masochist could ever love such a narcissist. Help me.
Cyrus: You don’t need help. He just needs time. He hugs her.
Blair: Wait, not enough. She hugs him tighter
Cyrus: Don’t worry. It’ll all be okay. You’ll see dear.

Blair: What do you think you’re doing here?[/nextpage]

[nextpage title=”page 2″]

In the Realm of the Basses

Blair: It’s a New Year, Dorota. Time to focus on a new, unencumbered, future. sees the text from Jack Then again. To deny one’s past is to deny oneself.

Jack: Blair. You came to greet us.
Blair: Not you, Jack. Chuck. You said you found him.
Jack: In Bangkok. He was staying at our hotel there. I mean, you hear the term “den of iniquity” but to really see it—
Blair: Do you have him or not?
Jack: Nephew mine, vous etes arrivés! (Jack and the chauffeur pull Chuck out of the limo) Tell his teacher’s he’ll be taking a personal day.

Serena: Hey, did Jack ever find Chuck?
Blair: Yeah. What was left of him. I’m surprised they made it through customs. Chuck’s body odor could have given a contact high to half of Manhattan. S. I have to tell you something. I did something so stupid.
Serena: B., what is it?
Blair: I told Chuck I loved him.
Serena: Oh my gosh! That’s great!
Blair: Great? No, it’s awful. Not only did he not say it back but he disappeared. For a month. I could just go back and strangle myself as the words come out.
Serena: I’m sure Chuck will say it back. He was probably thinking about you the whole time he was gone.
Blair: Not unless I was a Thai hooker named Beau. There’s something else.
Dan: Hey.
Serena: Oh. Hey, this is my news. When I was in Buenos Aires I—
Blair: A postcard would have been fine. I’m really happy for you. I’m going to go vomit now.

Blair: You want to get kicked out?
Chuck: Hello to you too, lover. Long time no see.
Blair: Put that out!
Chuck: You didn’t say the magic word.
Blair: What are you even doing here? You should be passed out. Or hooked up to an IV.
Chuck: I didn’t want to miss the first day of school. Oh, it looks like I already did.
Blair: That’s the reason you came here. Not because you had something to tell me?
Chuck: Like what?
Blair: You know “like what”. grabs his face Look at me. she looks into his eyes Who are you?

Queller: Miss Waldorf, this is not normal.
Blair: Headmistress Queller, Chuck is in no state to represent himself and as Mrs. Bass is—
Chuck: Van der Woodsen. My father’s dead.
Blair: —is indisposed with grief, someone has to be here. So I am.

Jenny: Nelly has put in a full year of service. She should be allowed to leave without reprisals. For example, people breaking into her locker and smashing her glasses.
Blair: I see. Rebuttal.
Penelope: First, there’s been a long tradition of newer members being subjected to more… attention.
Hazel: Some of the things I had to do? Disgusting!
Blair: Oh I remember. I made you do them.
Penelope: But more importantly, once people find out you can quit, the girls at the steps will be finished.
Jenny: C’mon, Blair. What’s your decision?
Blair: Tonight I’m hosting the selection committee at The Colony Club.
Iz: You’re getting into The Colony Club? They never take girls from high school.
Blair: I know. I was surprised too. That’s not entirely true. The point is, enough of this high school nonsense. Nelly or no Nelly, who cares? I have enough going on already. God!

Blair: I need to talk to you.
Dan: And I’m— I’ll see you later.
Blair: Have you seen Chuck today?
Serena: No. Why?
Blair: Did he come home last night?
Serena: Blair, I don’t know. What’s wrong?
Blair: Yesterday Queller caught him smoking hash at school. There was a meeting. And to say it went badly would be an understatement. I’m worried.
Serena: Blair, it’s Chuck. He’s somewhere blowing off steam. That’s what he does. He’ll show up in a few days minus several million brain cells and some liver tissue.
Blair: That’s true. He always disappeared. Marrakesh. Prague. And he always came back. Tie perfectly knotted. But this time I looked in his eyes. I couldn’t see him anymore.
Serena: You’re really worried. Okay, um, okay. Just give it ’til tonight and if he hasn’t shown up yet I’ll help you.

Blair: Hello Chuck. I thought I’d find you here.
Chuck: Blair. Ladies, would you give us a moment?
Blair: I thought you sold this place.
Chuck: Bought it back last night. Owner took me to the cleaners. Some things are worth the price.
Blair: You should go home. Lily, Serena, Eric—
Chuck: Is not my home. Or my family.
Blair: Fine. Go to The Palace. Just get outta here.
Chuck: Oh that would be rude. Since I’m throwing a party here tonight. I just posted it on Gossip Girl. Maybe you’ll grace us with a dance.
Blair: Chuck. Stop. All this doesn’t help. It isn’t you.
Chuck: Wrong. Bart may have been a bastard, but he saw me better than anyone. I’m simply living up to my potential. It’s time to let go of your fantasies.
Blair: I don’t believe you.
Chuck: That’s your business. Now is that it? Or were you going to tell me you loved me again?
Blair: Why did you even come back?

Serena: Hey, is everything okay? I came as fast as I could.
Blair: Fine. False alarm.
Serena: Wait. What happened?
Blair: Chuck. He’s holed up at Victrola in some Jim Morrison downward spiral. Sad in a way. Luckily, it’s not my concern. Thank you for coming. Dorota! I think my guests from The Colony Club are here.
Serena: Wait. If Chuck is really in trouble then we need to help him. He doesn’t have any brothers and sisters. We are all he has. You are all he has.
Blair: He doesn’t want my help.
Serena: So that’s just it? You’re going to abandon him for some society matrons?
Blair: Those “matrons” as you call them, are helping me build a life. All Chuck can do is destroy one. I’m not abandoning Chuck. I’m just saving myself.

Blair: I have to go. That piece of work, Chuck Bass, needs me. And Serena and her mother are kind, wonderful people.
CC Shrew: Blair, do you know what you’re doing?
Blair: I thought I was leaving high school behind. I guess you never do. Dorota will get your coats.

Jack: Chuck!
Blair: No! You idiot! You don’t surprise someone standing off the edge of a building!
Jack: Chuck. Come away from there. Let’s go down and join the party.
Chuck: I was at the party. I’m not really that into it.
Jack: Chuck, your father wouldn’t have wanted this.
Chuck: Dear old Dad? Unfortunately all I know is what he didn’t want. Which is me. I’m Chuck Bass! No one cares.
Blair: I do. Don’t you understand? I’ll always be here. I don’t want you going anywhere. I couldn’t bear it. So whatever you want to do to yourself, please don’t do it to me. Please.
Chuck: I’m sorry.
Blair: It’s okay.

Blair: So you know, I don’t trust you.
Jack: All I want is what’s best for my nephew. And as for trusting me, do you really have a choice?
Blair: He can’t know what happened on New Years.
Jack: Goodnight Blair.

Gone with the Will

Blair: Morning Jack.
Jack: Blair.
Blair: Chuck asked me to come to the reading of the will for support.
Jack: Only thing he’s going to need support for is the massive influx into his bank account.
Blair: Charming.
Jack: Come out with me tonight.
Blair: I told you I’m not interested.
Jack: Didn’t seem that way on New Years.
Blair: Whatever may have transpired between us, what’s important is what it means to me. Which is nothing.
Jack: Do you think it would be nothing to Chuck? Let’s ask him now, shall we?
Blair: Let’s not.

Blair: I wouldn’t have come to this party if I didn’t know I wasn’t VIP.

Jack: Chuck, this letter represents your father’s final words.
Blair: Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it.
Nate: Yeah, aren’t you curious to know what it says?
Chuck: I think I can guess. “You’re a disappointment of a son.” “I’d die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already.” “Why do you wear so much purple.”

Blair (reading the letter): Dear Son,
I know I’ve always been hard on you—
Chuck: True.
—but my goal was always to prepare you for this day. To help you go from being a boy to a man.
Chuck: An Italian au pere took care of that.
Blair: Chuck, please. She continues:
Sadly, there is nothing like the passing of a father to aid in this rite of passage for his son. Ultimately I do feel that I did my job and you are prepared for this next chapter of your life. Therefore I am bequeathing to you the majority share of Bass Industries.
Chuck: Surely that’s a mistake.
Nate: No it’s not.
Blair: He believed in you.
Jack: That son of a bitch.
Blair: Jack!
Chuck: No, Jack’s right. My father can’t be one way my whole life then all of the sudden he’s okay. It’s nice that he finally decided I’m worthy. But I don’t want it. If you wait it, you can have it.

Chuck: It’s like he’s setting me up to fail from beyond the grave.
Blair: You really think Bart would leave his whole company to you if he didn’t think you could do it?
Chuck: It doesn’t make sense. My father never trusted me with anything.
Blair: He’s trusting you now. He left you his legacy. I know you can do this.
Chuck: I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Blair: Start by reading the rest of this.

Jack: What do you say we throw him a party to celebrate him running the company?
Blair: Why not celebrate Bart dying? That would be just as tasteless.

Serena: Are you sure this is the best time for a flare-up of Chuck fever?
Blair: I’m having no such thing. We’re just friends. He’s gone through a lot. And he needs someone to be there. Anyway, you’re the one that told me to help him out in the first place.Hey, what’s up with Gossip Girl putting out a hit on Dan?
Serena: Excuse me?
Blair: Apparently Gossip Girl is looking for evidence to prove that Dan’s cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey—no offense.

Serena: Blair, who did this? sees two Mean Girls I see they act alone now.
Blair: It’s so hard finding obedient minions.

Serena: So how was your non-date with Chuck last night?
Blair: He had to reschedule. Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’till you get botox.
Serena: I’m just saying—
Blair: You’re just saying nothing.

Chuck: I’m sorry. I screwed up.
Blair: It’s too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can’t watch you self-destruct any longer.
Chuck: Jack set me up.
Blair: There’s no one to blame but yourself. I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You are the only one who didn’t. All I wanted to do was just… be there…. But today when you called me your wife, you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.
Chuck: Blair, please.
Blair: Sorry. But I’m done.

You’ve Got Yale

Blair: Refresh! Refresh! Refresh! That’s not my Eli account.
Nelly: No it’s mine. I applied to Yale too, remember?
Blair: Yes, but your application was merely a formality to appease your overbearing parents. You know very well there’s no way Yale is going to accept someone who got a 2360 on her SATs. So give up and go for the gold—my gold. So refresh!

Blair: I’m sorry. I simply can’t read it. The font’s to small. I’ll have to check it on a real computer. Nelly rudely grabs it out of her hands.
Nelly: It says wait listed. In bold.

Serena: Well if you’re on a witch hunt that means you can’t be too upset, right?
Blair: Witch hunts are my valium, Serena. I’m just trying to stay calm.

Blair: This is a B.
Rachel Carr: Yes, it is.
Blair: You’re new here so you don’t know how it works.
Rachel: I have a feeling you’re about to explain.
Blair: Second semester seniors get a free pass. Like pregnant ladies or fourteen year-old Chinese gymnasts. Constance wants their students to get into the best colleges. That’s why this free pass exists. The headmistress, if she knew about this grade, she’d rap you on the wrist.
Rachel: Maybe in time I’ll get in trouble for not inflating grades like everyone else, Miss Waldorf. But until then I’ll give them based on merit.
Blair: I need to keep my GPA perfect to get into Yale.
Rachel: You should have thought of that before.

Serena: I know that look. You’re up to no good.
Blair: Good is subjective. Look it up.

Blair: You’re the Constance student? to Hazel Cancel the Nelly Yuki project now!

Blair: What are you doing?
Serena: I’m just reading the Brown catalog. Oh! And I ordered a home dreadlocking kit. Want to meet up later?
Blair: Definitely. Maybe we can get a jumpstart on your veganism. Have some celebratory seitan at Angelica Kitchen.
Serena: Um. I can’t think of anything better. Or, grosser.
Blair: I’ll call you after.
Serena: Okay.

Blair: Put that puppy down, Dorota.
Dorota: What happened Miss Blair?
Blair: It’s what’s going to happen that you should worry about.

Gossip Girl: Not all beginnings are cause for celebration. A lot of bad things begin. Fights, flu season, and the worst thing all…
Dorota: Uh oh. Is it war?
Blair: Yes. But this one will be different. I need to wait for my moment and then I’m going Black Ops. Off the radar, no accountability. This war I’m gonna win.
Gossip Girl: Wanna be startin’ something. XOXO —Gossip Girl

Carnal Knowledge

Blair: Never, in my 16,982 hours of schooling have I ever been sentenced to detention.
Serena: I can’t believe you added up all the hours of class we’ve had. Makes me wanna play hooky.
Blair: One month with Ms. Carr and I’m serving a week of hard time. Dorota! Hey, be more thorough!
Serena: Well I think you might have had a little something to do with that. The opera. The boathouse. Ring a bell? Look, all I know is I’ve never had a teacher who’s actually taken me seriously. It feels like she really gets me. Is that weird?
Blair: Looks like Humphrey has some competition.
Serena: Dan and I have barely spoken all week.
Blair: They say conversation is the first thing to go.

Blair to Dorota: Serena’s sympathetic to the enemy. I have to cross her off my list of recruits.

Harold: You know, Blair Bear, I’m proud of you for handling your punishment with such grace.
Blair: Well, we Waldorfs are nothing if not graceful.
Harold: I wish you’d let me speak to the school. It sounds like this teacher’s been after you from the start.
Blair: Thank you. I wanted to handle this on my own.
Harold: It speaks volumes of the mature young lady you’ve become.
Blair: I wish everyone could see me through your eyes.
Harold: You keep your chin up. I’ll see you after school.

Dorota: Miss Blair. Your martyr act? No good.
Blair: Pick up the pace, shall we?

Miss Carr: Blair. If I’m correct you completed your detention this morning.
Blair: Yes Ms. Carr. Sign and dated by the Preservation Society.
Miss Carr: I hope the experience was educational.
Blair: I made friends with a family of squirrels and had lots of time to think.
Miss Carr: Oh. Henry David Thoreau found nature inspiring as well.

Blair: Girls. Now that my days of community service are behind me, time for a takedown. They ignore her. Hello! Do you need a refresher? I I say, you do.
Iz: To be honest Blair, none of us are that into 5a.m. trash duty. I think we’re gonna sit this one out.
Penelope: B, why are you doing this? Queller will tell Yale you’re finished with detention and it’s over. This is madness.
Blair: No! This. Is. Constance. Don’t you see? If Cornflower Mary can come in and tell us how to run things then everything we stood for, for all those years, is nothing. This isn’t about Yale. This is about our legacy. What we do here today echoes. Through eternity. Who’s with me?
Penelope: Sorry B. This is your vendetta.

Hazel: Thank you Jesus.
Blair: No. “Thank you Blair”. And thank you, Dorota.

Blair: I want you to dig deep—and I mean deep—into Rachel’s past. We’re gonna run that Commie Corn Husker straight out of Constance.

Hazel: Seriously. She’s the midwestern Mother Teresa.
Blair: Impossible, Hazel. Your methods of inquiry must be as tired as your hair.
Iz: We searched everywhere. My fingers are raw.
Blair: When the truth fails you, you have no choice but to abandon it. They look lost. Make something up. Idiots. to herself With friends like these, who needs friends.

Blair: Ladies. You can give your tiny brains a rest. Once again the world has proved: anything you can do I can do better.

Blair’s GG text: Lonely Boy and Ms. Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert! XOXO.

Blair: The ladies room? I knew you and Serena were having problems. I never knew they were anatomical.
Dan: The only reason I’m trespassing on sacred ground is because I know you sent that rumor to Gossip Girl.
Blair: Sorry. No idea what you’re talking about. You can go now.
Dan: Whatever issues you have with Rachel she cares about people, she cares about her job.
Blair: Oh that is so sweet. Maybe you should write a short story about it and have Rachel give you notes. Naked.

Headmistress: This school has been aware of the Gossip Girl website for some time. Up until now the content has focused on the students, the students haven’t complained, so we’ve turned a blind eye. However now that a teacher has become involved I have no choice but to deal with it.
Blair: I’m sorry, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Ms. Carr: Blair. I know you posted the rumor about me.
Blair: Whatever rumor you’re talking about I had nothing to do with it. I find this accusation preposterous.

Headmistress: Blair your actions threaten the reputation of the entire teaching staff and this school. You give me no choice but to ask you to leave Constance Billard.
Blair: You’re expelling me?

Harold: Headmistress Queller is standing firm on the expulsion.
Blair: Yale will revoke my acceptance as soon as they receive word. This is my darkest hour.
Harold: Blair, if you started that rumor—about Dan Humphrey and the teacher— she has a legitimate case for slander. So I need to know: did you?
Blair: I might have posted something on Gossip Girl. All the girls do it. It’s how we communicate. But anything I wrote was the truth. I didn’t lie. I promise Daddy.
Harold: You should have been honest with the headmistress about that. But the real issue here is not teenagers gossiping online.
Blair: It’s not?
Harold: No. It’s that a teacher is having an inappropriate relationship with a student. I’m going to contact my lawyers. We’re going to fight this.
Blair: Fight it? Oh, I don’t—
Harold: You will not be punished for telling the truth.
Blair: Thank you daddy.

Blair: Turns out I can still apply to Oberlin. The face, Serena. Try and pretend it’s not totally tragic.
Serena: You were right about Dan and Rachel.
Blair: Seriously? I must have picked up on something. We need proof. You have proof! Give it to me.
Serena: Dan said that nothing was going on. So I should probably just talk to him first.
Blair: And give him another opportunity to lie to you. How awful. I’m so sorry S. But this is the smoking gun I’ve been waiting for. Dorota!
Dorota: Yes Miss Blair?
Blair: Go get my dog back!

Blair: I believe it’s called exculpatory evidence. I love Damages.

Blair: I’m back in. I saved myself and Gossip Girl.
Dan: You used this photo of Rachel and me to back up a rumor that is nothing more than a vengeful lie.
Blair: So?
Serena: Blair. Uh uh.
Blair: You say “lie”, I say eerily prophetic.
Harold: Blair?
Blair: Daddy.
Harold: I was going to congratulate you. The driver will take you home. I need some fresh air.
Blair: Daddy, please.

Harold: You allowed me to defend a lie. A lie that you looked me in the eyes and told. Why did you do that?
Blair: Yale was on the line. I have to go there. Like you. It’s our plan.
Harold: Sweetheart, what matters most to me is not what college you go to, it’s what kind of person you grow up to be.

The Age of Dissonance

Blair: When I saw The Age of Innocence with Daddy I always saw myself as Winona. But playing a stronger, more emotionally complex female lead just feels so right. Dorota! Hair pin. Besides, you’re so much more suited to play May, who is so… pretty.
Serena: Uh. Thanks.
Blair: Alas, my life is perfect. My only problem: how to relate to my character. Countess Olenska is a ruined woman with no prospects. And let’s face it, I have the world on a string. Of course there is the odious task of playing opposite Dan Humphrey. Dorota! Enough. How are you two doing, BTW?
Serena: I’m just trying to think about it. Distracting myself with other… distractions.
Blair: You mean your crush on our director?
Serena: Julian is kind of amazing. Isn’t he? Did you know that he directed—
Blair: Bogosian off-Broadway in his last year at Juilliard. Blah blah blah. You can always depend on Constance to snare some wunderkind. But S. aren’t you sick of brooding artists?
Serena: Well he broods in the sexiest way. That is when he’s not looking right through me.
Blair: Well my life is so bountiful I don’t need a boyfriend to feel fulfilled.
Nelly screams off-camera: Oh my god! Come look at this!
Blair: But I do need silence to emotionally prepare for the stage! What are you two clucking about?
Iz: Nelly just got in early to Yale.
Blair: Uh, that’s impossible. Yale only accepts one Constance student early a year and that’s me.
Penelope: She just got an email directly from Dean Berube.
Blair: I have to find Headmistress Queller.

Blair: Nelly Yuki claims she got into Yale early. There must be some mistake.
Queller: I’m sorry Blair. There was no mistake. I was on my way to tell you that I received a call from Dean Berube. They’ve rescinded your acceptance and given the spot to Nelly.
Blair: Is today April Fool’s?
Queller: I had previously informed Yale of your intention I did not tell them what the punishment was for. But apparently an anonymous caller did. The Dean called for me to confirm the story. I had no choice.
Blair: But I did penance for that.
Queller: I explained that you made amends. But Yale considers hazing a faculty member a very serious offense. I’m sorry.
Blair: But there must be something we can do.
Queller: Blair. It’s over. You will not be attending Yale.

Blair: Get out of my way! I need to make a fat lady sing.
Nelly: Pull!
Iz: It’s stuck.
Blair: No, leave it. She’ll need as much padding as possible.
Nelly: What is your problem?
Blair: My problem is a two-faced four-eyed devious little snipe in a fat suit. Did you really think you could rat me out to Yale and get away with it?
Nelly: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Blair: Everyone’s jealous of me because my life is perfect. And you’ve always been the most jealous of all.
Nelly: People aren’t jealous of you Blair. They hate you! I didn’t call Yale but good luck figuring out who did. There are about a thousand people who would relish taking you down.

Blair: Airing my dirty laundry to Yale and sending the Lord Marcus Gossip Girl blast makes you officially my enemy number one.
Vanessa: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Blair. Honestly.
Blair: And what are you doing with her? We hate her.
Serena: I don’t hate her. She’s my friend. And you just need to calm down.
Blair: Calm down? Serena. She got me axed from Yale. You’re seriously taking her side. Fine. But a word of advice: she will be destroyed and you don’t want to become collateral damage.

Blair: I’ve lost everything. I’m humiliated. And shunned. They’ve made me flesh-and-blood Countess Olenska.
Dorota: You are an actress. Pour it into the role. Use pain on stage.
Blair: You’re right. I’m an actress. No, I’m a seagull.
Serena: No. You’re a shameless bitch.
Blair: Now what?
Serena: Everything you’ve done—spreading rumors about who I’ve had sex with, what alley I puked in, or telling Dean Berube that I killed Pete Fairman—I forgave everything, all because one day I thought one day you’d grow up. But putting out a Gossip Girl blast about Yale and the press release.
Blair: Serena, I didn’t put out the blast.
Serena: At least have the dignity not to lie to my face.
Blair: But I’m not lying.
Serena: Only two people knew about it. You and Dan. And Dan would never do something like that. I always want to believe the best in you, Blair. The bottom line is, betrayal’s in your nature.
Blair: I didn’t do it, Dorota.
Dorota: I believe you, Miss Blair.
Blair: And if I didn’t, that means Dan Humphrey did. Vanessa told him about Marcus and he could have put that out too. All to get revenge for Teachergate. Do you know how hard it is when your enemy is changing every five minutes?
Dorota: You need to calm nerves and warm vocal cord. You want tea?
Blair: No. I want Dan Humphrey’s head on a platter.

Blair: Student sex in the costume closet. Is that what they mean by Heartland values? I at least expect a denial.
Rachel: No. I don’t deny it.
Blair: Well the Headmistress told me that my fate at Yale was sealed. So the question is, how do I make your fate as bleak as mine.
Rachel: I don’t know what’s happened to me. I don’t know what I’ve become. I’m… so sorry.
Blair: Well your punishment is… just… live with it. I should know. It’s not easy.

Serena: I know it was Rachel that sent the Gossip Girl blast. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you.
Blair: Why would you.
Serena: What do you mean?
Blair: Believe me. Nine times out of ten I would have sent the blast. Like you said, betrayal’s in my nature.
Serena: I didn’t mean—
Blair: Spare me, Serena. I don’t need a stirring speech telling me what I could person I am. I know I’m not. Yale kicking me out is the karma I’ve earned.
Serena: Blair—
Blair: Could you please leave? I want to be alone.
Serena: You’re still my best friend.

Carter: Hello Beautiful.
Blair: Carter. What are you doing here?
Carter: Buying you a drink.

The Grandfather

Chuck: I would have come here earlier. I stopped to pick up something.
Blair: How thoughtful.
Chuck: Serena thinks you’re in some kind of trouble. Seems to me your only problem is having a party all by your lonesome.
Carter: Except she’s not alone.
Chuck: What are you doing with this insect?
Blair: Having the time of my life. Thank you very much

Chuck: Blair. This guy—
Blair: What? Dishonest? Bad news? He can’t be any worse than you.
Chuck: I’m the one trying to help you!
Blair: Help me? Is that what you were doing at your little gentleman’s club while my life was going up in flames? I’d rather take Carter’s help.

Blair: Do you know how exhausting it’s been being Blair Waldorf for the past 18 years. All the work, the planning.
Serena: You mean the plotting?
Blair: Yes. I’m glad it blew up in my face. It was a wake up call. I was such an overachiever I was headed for a quarter life crisis at 18.
Serena: Well B, you’ve had a couple of setbacks but there must still be a way to get into a great college and if anyone can do it, it’s you.
Blair: No S. I’ve learned the hard way. I can’t control everything. Plan everything. Now with Carter’s help I’m trying something different. In fact, if I’m somewhere and I can say “Blair Waldorf would never do that” guess what? I’ll do it. She walks off with purloined sunglasses
Serena: B. B, You have to pay for those.
Blair: So call security.

Serena: B, why didn’t you tell us?
Blair: What? That I was coming to debase myself by begging to be accepted to Sarah Lawrence? Gee, you’re right. Why didn’t I update my Facebook page?

Serena: Blair! Hey, you look great.
Blair: I feel great.
Serena: Why?
Blair: Because I realized that while we can’t tear out a single page of our life we can throw the whole book in the fire. George Sand. She understands me. And what better place to go up in smoke than in front of the crème de la crème of New York society?

Blair Waldorf. How are you, dear? I heard you rejected The Colony Club. Too stuffy for my tastes as well.
Blair: That’s because your tastes include sleeping with your driver and popping prescription meds.
Serena: Okay. Not good.
Blair: Not good. Like Dan having sex with Rachel Carr in the costume closet during the school play not good. By the end of tonight the old Blair will be dead and buried with no chance for a resurrection. Hey! You! Garçon with the bubble butt. Arrête.

Blair: So what are we talking about?
It’s good to see you Blair! Is your mother here?
Blair: No. It’s a shame though. She should be here to see this.
You must have her call me. Gerald and I just got engaged and I need an Eleanor Waldorf design for the big day.
Blair: Sure. Though I think she discontinued her third-trip-down-the aisle-only-took-the-plunge-for-money line.

Chuck: What are you doing? Trying to destroy the old you? Burn every bridge? It won’t help. Believe me I’ve tried.
Blair: Well maybe I should head up to the roof, make it a little more dramatic.
Chuck: This isn’t you.
Blair: How would you know?
Chuck: Because I know you better than I know myself.
Blair: Oh. Right. You can see right through me. Can’t you, Chuck? Right to my core. Do you remember the first time you saw the real me? The Blair that danced for you that night at Victrola? The Blair with none of the hang ups, none of the frustrations. That’s the Blair right here. Take me now.
Chuck: Why?
Blair: To prove that nothing matters.
Chuck: No. This isn’t you. It’s not the Blair I want.
Blair: That’s right. And I never will be again.

Blair: What happened? And when did everything get so screwed up? This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I don’t know who I am anymore. I feel so—
Nate: Lost. Do you remember when you used to make us watch your favorite movies over and over again? Like Tiffany’s and Holiday. It used to drive me nuts.
Blair: This is a pep talk.
Nate: Well I finally asked you why you like watching movies you’ve already seen. And you know what you said?
Blair: I like knowing how things are going to turn out.
Nate: Exactly. Well growing up I never knew who I was supposed to be. So I’d spend all my time apologizing for the privilege and the wealth and the opportunities I felt other people deserved more than I did. Well you know what I finally learned? You can’t fight against who you are. And you are Blair Waldorf.
Blair: What happened to the Nate Archibald who just wanted to get high and play Halo?
Nate: I don’t know. Well I better head inside.
Blair: Nate. he turns. Don’t forget your jacket.
Nate: Thank you.

Blair to Nate: Wait. Stay.

Remains of the J

Blair: Nate and I have—had—plenty of spark. Better than that, fireworks.
Chuck: That was us.
Blair: Chuck. Don’t act like I didn’t fight for you. I did. Hard. For a long time. So please, forgive me if now that we’re over I’m exhausted.
Chuck: So why are you with Nate? Because it’s easy?
Blair: I’m not “with” Nate. But if I was what’s wrong with easy? Maybe it’s easy because it’s right.
Chuck: Oh really. Is that why Nate is so reluctant to break things off with Vanessa. You do know they’re still dating, right?

Blair: You know what I was just thinking? Jennifer Aniston is totally fine now. I’m sure Brad doesn’t even feel bad anymore.
Nate: Okay.
Blair: I mean I’m sure that there was some collateral damage which is always sad, but his fate lay with Angelina and he knew that. So he had the tough conversation and moved on.
Nate: This is your way of saying I should break up with Vanessa? So you and I can—
Blair: Embrace our fate.
Nate: Ah.
Blair: Yes.
Nate: Okay, well I wasn’t actually going to tell you this until afterwards but Vanessa called a couple of hours ago and she just wants to talk so I asked her to meet me for dinner.
Blair: But can’t you just text?
Nate: No.
Blair: But what if when you see her there’s sparks? Or fireworks even. You know they say break-up sex is—
Nate: Hey hey hey, it feels over. And I’m sure she’s going to tell me the same thing.

Blair: It’s 10:30 Dorota. What took him so long?
Dorota: Maybe girl from Brooklyn cry. Mr. Nate nice boy. He wipe tears, he touch her hair, she touch his—
Blair: Dorota!
Dorota: Not that this ever happen to me.

Blair: Pour that Dom down the drain, Dorota. Wait. Is that the 96?
Dorota: What happen Miss Blair?
Blair: He kissed me. On the forehead. Like Chevalier kissed Gigi. Like he was a man and I was a little girl. No passion, no spark. Maybe Chuck is right. Maybe all Nate and I have together is just history.

Serena: Wait, back up Blair. Nate and Vanessa broke up?
Blair: Well they had a falling out after the van der Bilt party. Hadn’t spoken for a week and broke up last night.
Serena: How do you know all this? Have you dumped me for Vanessa?

Serena: When are you getting to my party?
Blair: You mean Jenny’s party.

Nate: Blair stop acting like me being your friend is some sort of plot to humiliate you. Okay? Did you ever think that maybe things didn’t work out between us because we weren’t friends?
Blair: You’re right Nate. This week you’ve become my friend. It’s amazing. And I’ve never wanted to kiss my friend so much—
Nate: Hey hey hey. We’re at a party full of people in Chuck’s room. And he and Vanessa are right behind the wall.
Blair: Does it excite you?
Nate: Blair. he brushes her hair away.
Blair: Don’t. Only my boyfriend gets to touch my hair.

Blair: The ducks do soothe me.

Seder Anything

Blair: Just because I lost Yale does not mean I’m wasting my time at a non-Ivy reading Beloved six times and experimenting with lesbianism.

Blair: Can you please remind the attendants not to seat me behind Caroline Kennedy. She may be American royalty but that woman is a giraffe.

Maureen: Blair. That’s so sweet of you to come.
Blair: Yes, it’s going to be so beautiful.
Maureen: I have some disappointing news. The Whitney Junior Committee felt you were too new on the scene. They chose Elizabeth instead.
Blair: Your bridesmaid.
Maureen: Give it time. When it comes to these things it takes awhile to start to matter.

Mr. van der Bilt: Tell me, what are your plans for next year? I know you put off college. Any word from the junior committee for the Whitney?
Blair: Actually they didn’t accept me.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think that must be some kind of mistake. I’ll call Agnes Chisner immediately and clear that right up.
Blair: Really.
Mr. van der Bilt: For a friend of my grandson there’s nothing I wouldn’t do.
Blair: Yale is an amazing school and… Nate would look dashing in Bulldog Blue. van der Bilt gets up. And I want to be a bridesmaid.
Mr. van der Bilt: I think she may have room for one more.

Blair: S! You’re back from Spain.
Serena: Yeah. I just landed. Hey, are you at home?
Blair: No. More like avoiding it. My mom and Cyrus are hosting Passover. I thought first borns were supposed to be spared.
Serena: So you’re not going to be at the apartment all day?
Blair: I’m getting a dress fitted at Reem Acra. And then me and Nate are going to his cousin’s rehearsal dinner. S, I’m one of the Chosen Ones. I was wandering the Bassian Desert and now I’ve reached the Van der Bilt Promised Land.

Blair: You know now may not be a good time to say anything to your grandfather about Columbia.
Nate: Well that should be easy since I’m not going to speak to him.

Nate: I trusted him. Was I wrong?
Blair: No. You’re wonderful. I’m going to go get my coat. Then we can go.

Nate: Did you tell my grandfather you would convince me to go to Yale in exchange for him making you a bridesmaid?
Blair: I can explain.
Nate: That’s great, you know. First my grandfather sells my father out. And then you sell me out for a picture in the Style section.
Blair: But I didn’t! I mean, god I did. But I realized when he asked me again—
Nate: You, know I really thought this time would be different. But you’re just the same girl you always were.
Blair: No. I’m not. I was just scared. About next year. And us.
Nate: I want to trust you, okay? But I can’t think of a single reason why I should. The car will take you home.

Blair: I can’t believe I sold out Nate to be the next Jackie O.
Serena: Yeah I always pictured you as the next Hillary.
Blair: Except I’d win.

Southern Gentlemen Prefer Blondes

Blair: NYU? What was I thinking? You know how I feel about ironic facial hair.
Nate: Well you were thinking a) you’re lucky to get into a school at all. And b) you’re super lucky because where you got in happens to be in the same city as your fantastic boyfriend.
Blair: That’s true.
Nate: I’ve been coming down here for years and I’m going to teach you everything you need to know. The best latté, the best slice, the best pot dealer. But first. The most important lesson of all: how to ride the subway.
Blair: Nate! You’re sweet. But obviously you’ve inhaled too much patchouli. There’s no way I’m going down there. It’s full of mole men and middle-class professionals.
Nate: Well you have to learn. How else are you going to visit me at Columbia.
Blair: Why do you think God gave us car service.
Nate: Our schools are at opposite poles of Manhattan. I mean the traffic could take hours. The subway’s definitely the quickest way.
Blair: Please don’t ask this of me.

Blair: Rats go underground. Not Waldorfs.
Serena: Well you could always borrow Chuck’s helicopter. Kidding…
Blair: Chuck. What a waste of time that was. You know it’s not a real relationship if you can’t hold hands. Oh and Nate is good to me. Good for me. And he’s learned a thing or two.
Serena: Hm. So being a kept man does have its perks.
Blair: Yeah, but no man is worth suffering the indignity of mass transit.

Blair: How’s the foreigner?
Serena: Blair, Gabriel’s from North Carolina. That’s in the United States.
Blair: Not by choice. Let me remind you of a little thing called the Civil War.

Blair: Gabriel is disappearing for a reason. We need to get to the bottom of it.
Serena: No. We don’t.
Blair: Oh come on! Let’s follow him tonight. We can dress up, use code names. Dorota is a great help with surveillance equipment.

Chuck: Blair. I see you’re wearing your beret. Who are we spying on tonight?
Blair: Serena’s shady Southerner.
Chuck: Well I can’t say he does much for me either. Why the intrigue? Don’t tell me. Not enough drama in domestic bliss with Nate. You know when people step outside their relationship for a thrill it’s usually not alone and in the dark.
Blair: I happen to be worried about my best friend. Serena said Gabriel just disappears—Poof! Well I’m going to find out where he’s poofing to. And besides, it’s good for couples to have different interests. Sh!
Chuck: This feels eerily familiar.
Blair: Shut up! Look. Poppy?

Blair: You have to dump him! We caught that redneck red handed.
Serena: Well B obviously I’m not thrilled, but I’m going to get to the bottom of this on my own. You know why can’t you worry about your own relationship problems for a change?
Blair: What is that supposed to mean?
Serena: It was Friday night and you were out spying on my boyfriend. Instead of seeing a movie. Why can’t anybody see a movie around here?

Blair: Let me get this straight. Gabriel is still popping Poppy and you’re okay with that? No no. This is too MOB. Put on the Vena Cava.
Serena: For the hundredth time, he’s not still sleeping with her. And while it’s not ideal he is going to break up with her next week.
Blair: And what proof did he offer of that?
Serena: He doesn’t need proof, B. Because I trust him. We have this amazing connection. Do you know he said he fell in love with me the first time he ever saw me?
Blair: Oh That is interesting. Considering the fact that he was on vacation with his girlfriend.
Serena: Actually the first time he saw me was a year ago when I was out with Georgina. He busted me on my fake Southern accent.
Blair: And what night was that? Don’t tell me it was that night. That night that you blacked out and don’t remember anything. He fell in love with you while you were roofied. How romantic.
Serena: No no no. It wasn’t like that. He said I was completely lucid. It must have been before Georgina drugged me. I just don’t happen to remember it.
Blair: Believe me, I had to learn the hard way. Trust is the most important thing in a relationship.
Serena: And we have that.
Blair: The way I trust Nate and he trusts me? Even though he may as well be going to school in Guam next year. I wouldn’t worry if I can’t find him. Because I know he will always be true to me.
Serena: I hope so B. Because no offense but we both know that that hasn’t always been the case.
Blair: What are you saying, that Nate is in love with you?
Serena: What are you saying, that Gabriel isn’t?
Blair: No! I just know he’s not going to break up with Poppy! Why would he? He’s having her cake and eating yours too.
Serena: So both Nate and Chuck are obsessed with you but my boyfriend can’t stay faithful to me for seven days.
Blair: No that’s— I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt. Okay?

Blair: So what do you say Bass? One last mission?
Chuck: By any chance do you have Poppy Lifton’s phone number?

Blair: I can’t believe I have to see my sworn enemy with Nancy Pelosi hair.
Chuck: Now that you mention it, maybe it’s best if I go in alone.
Blair: What?
Chuck: You just said it: you’re enemies. Why would she help you?
Blair: Because I’m going to threaten to send her back to boot camp if she doesn’t.
Chuck: Blair, Georgina and I go way back. We have a special bond. I can handle this one.
Blair: You didn’t even need me here. You just wanted to get me alone. Away from Nate. Away from our first night in our apartment.
Chuck: And his motives were pure of course. I’m sure it’s a simple coincidence that he asked you to move in right when you and I began speaking again.
Blair: He asked me so I wouldn’t have to take the subway next year.
Chuck: That’s maybe why he got the lease on the place. But asking you to move in was for my benefit. Ask him yourself. Or you could just trust him. The fact remains: you chose to spend the night in a car over a night in your honeymoon suite with nate. But then again we all know your weakness for limos.
Blair: I came here for my best friend.
Chuck: Is that the only reason?

Blair: I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have gone with Chuck.
Nate: Oh it’s okay. I’m just glad you came back. Well come in. Let me show you around.
Blair: You know I loathe Murray Hill. Why did you get this apartment?
Nate: I got it so we wouldn’t be so far apart next year.
Blair: And is that why you asked me to move in with you?
Nate: Blair— Knowing you and Chuck were hanging out made me jealous.
Blair: You said you trusted me. But you really don’t, do you?
Nate: Blair. I’m so sorry. Hey, I love you. So take your coat off and stay. Please.

The Wrath of Con

Blair: We’ll have to continue this later. Serena needs me.
Nate: No. No no. Serena needs me is officially no longer an excuse to avoid talking.
Blair: She’s my best friend. The question of whether you got this apartment because you love me or because you don’t trust me will have to wait.
Nate: Fine. But that wasn’t even the question. The question was—and remains—do you want to live in it with me?

Serena: Thank you so much for… for bringing Nate?
Blair: I’m just as flummoxed as you are. I got out at 53rd and made a run for it but he’s faster than he looks. What happened? Don’t tell me that hick gave you scabies.

Dan: What’s going on?
Blair: Not that it’s any of your business, but Serena’s fake boyfriend’s investment was also fake.

Georgina: Blair, everyone else has forgiven me. I’m just waiting on you.
Blair: Everyone who? And beside some things are unforgivable.
Georgina: God will help me find a way to earn your forgiveness.
Blair: Oh, looks like He answers my prayers faster than yours. Chuck, what happened?
We’ve got the wrong guy. Believe it or not the puppeteer is Poppy.

Blair: If you cut revenge out of the Bible there’s not even enough pages to make a pamphlet.

Serena: I don’t care what my mother says, Poppy Lifton must pay.
Blair: I knew you’d come to your senses. Ta da!

Chuck: Listen. Blair—
Blair: No, me first. Nate’s waiting for me to give him an answer.
Chuck: I heard.
Blair: But you want to know what’s stopping me.
I can’t answer his question while I’m waiting for you to answer mine. The one I asked you forever ago. What are we Chuck?
Chuck: Blair—
Blair: Last fall you said we couldn’t be together. And I believed you. But every time I try to move on you’re right there, acting like—
Chuck: Acting like what?
Blair: Like… maybe you just want me to be as unhappy as you are.
Chuck: I would never wish that on anyone. I want you to be happy.
Blair: Then look down deep, into the soul I know you have, and tell me if what you feel for me is real. Or if it’s just a game. If it’s real, we’ll figure it out. All of us. But if it’s not… then please Chuck. Just let me go.
Chuck: It’s just a game. I hate to lose. You’re free to go.
Blair: Thank you.

Chuck: Where is she?
Blair: She’s inside but they won’t let us talk to her.
Chuck: We’ll see about that.
Nate: You called him?
Blair: Of course I did. He’s her brother.
You have nothing to worry about with Chuck anymore.
Nate: Did he tell you that?
Blair: He gave me my answer. And you deserve yours. I don’t think we should move in together.
Nate: Me neither.
Blair: Then why—
Nate: I’m sorry, I was just using the apartment to force our issues and it’s just too big of a step. I’m sorry.
Blair: Well perhaps a more suitable step would be for you to ask me to prom.

Georgina: Hello Blair.
Blair: Georgina? You don’t sound like yourself.
Georgina: That’s funny. Because I feel more like myself than ever.
Blair: Where are you?
Georgina: Taking care of what you obviously couldn’t.
Blair: I don’t think Jesus would approve of that.
Georgina: Well. You can tell Jesus that the bitch is back.

The Valley Girls

Blair: Serena’s been in jail for over four hours. She’s already served more time than Nicole Ritchie and Lindsay Lohan combined.
Chuck: She’s a socialite mistakenly accused of stealing a bracelet. I doubt they’re working her over with a phonebook.
Blair: When I called Lily she said she was on her way. where is she?
Nate: I just can’t believe she had her own daughter arrested. I mean who does that?
Chuck: Someone who’s never been arrested.

Blair: Why are you still in jail?
Serena: It’s my choice.
Blair: Oh god. You’re not going to come out of there with a mullet and a girlfriend, are you?

Blair: What’s this for?
Dorota: Strength. You will need. I have good news and bad news. Which do you want?
Blair: Good news first. Always
Dorota: There is replacement.
Blair: What are you talking about?
Dorota: It makes more sense if you pick bad news first.

Blair: Oh my god, look at this place. I’ve always tried to make my life resemble the movie in my head and tonight no effort required. Voila!

Vote for prom king and queen?
Blair: We don’t do prom queen. That’s for suburban schools and the lame teen comedies set at them.

Serena: Hey! There you are. Where’s the prom king?
Blair: We broke up.
Serena: What? But everything was so perfect. It was like a fairytale.
Blair: Turns out fairytale’s end when they do for a reason.

The Goodbye Gossip Girl

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