Pilot
Kati Farkas (Nan Zhang): Oh my god! You’ll never believe what’s on Gossip Girl.
Isabel Coates (Nicole Fiscella): Someone saw Serena getting off the train at Grand Central.
Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick): Good. Things were getting a little dull around here.
Chuck Bass: Serena looked effing hot last night. There’s something wrong with that level of perfection, it needs to be violated.
Nate: You are deeply disturbed.
Chuck: And yet you know I’m right. You’re telling me if you had the chance—
Nate: I have a girlfriend.
Chuck: You guys have been dating since kindergarten yet you haven’t sealed the deal.
Nate: Who says “seal the deal”?
Chuck: Are you following us or something?
Dan: No, I go to your school. Identical uniforms, isn’t that kind of a tip-off?
Nate: That’s funny. {they leave}
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?
Chuck about the weed: This is some good stuff.
Nate: Yeah. I’m gonna need it. Blair’s mom’s at the country house.
Chuck: Yeah? Well then maybe I should swipe some of my dad’s Viagra. {Nate looks nonplussed}. Or my mom’s Paxil? Nathaniel, you’re finally about to have sex with your girlfriend. It’s like you’re headed to your execution.
Nate: No man, I’m good.
Chuck: Talk to Chuck, buddy. You and Blair have been dating forever. All of a sudden there’s a problem?
Nate: There’s no problem. It’s just… Do you ever feel like our lives have been planned out for us? That we’re just gonna end up like our parents?
Chuck: Man, what’s a dark thought.
Nate: Aren’t we entitled to choose? Just to be happy?
Chuck: Look, easy Socrates. What we’re entitled to is a trust fund. Maybe a house in the Hamptons. A prescription drug problem. But happiness does not seem to be on the menu. So smoke up, and seal the deal with Blair. ‘Cause you’re also entitled to tap that ass.
Chuck: I love this town. I’m going to have to tell my parents the hotel they just bought is serving minors.
Serena: And if you get a drink they’re also serving pigs.
Chuck: Oo. I love it when you talk dirty.
Serena: You just love when a girl talks to you.
Chuck: Actually I prefer them when they’re not talking.
Serena: Hm. I’ve missed your witty banter.
Chuck: Let’s catch up. Take our clothes off, stare at each other.
Serena: Oh my god, this is so good.
Chuck: Well if you’re looking for a way to thank me I have a few ideas.
Serena: It’s a sandwich, Chuck. {Chuck gets closer} This is not happening, Chuck.
Chuck: You worried Nate will find out?
Serena: What?
Chuck: Last year, the Shepherd wedding. You think I don’t know why you left town?
Chuck: The best friend and the boyfriend. That’s pretty classy, S. I think you’re more like me than you’d admit.
Serena: No. No, that was then. I’m trying to change.
Chuck: I liked you better before.
Dan: You son of a—
Chuck: What the hell is your problem? It’s a party! Things happen. Who are you anyway?
Dan: How many times do I have to tell you? I’m in your class. My name is Dan Humphrey. And that is my little sister! {he punches him}
Blair: She better not show her face again.
Chuck: I’m actually hoping she will.
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The Wild Brunch
Nate: That kid popped you pretty good, huh? Never mess with a guy’s sister.
Chuck: If I knew his name I’d hunt him down and kill him.
Nate: What, ’cause you kill people now? You gonna strangle him with your scarf?
Chuck: Don’t mock the scarf, Nathaniel. It’s my signature.
Nate: I’m just saying: death by scarf. Not that intimidating.
Chuck: He sucker punched me. I told you. Besides, better a broken nose than a broken heart.
Nate: What? I didn’t even talk to Serena last night.
Chuck: Who said anything about Serena?
Bart: The invitation said black tie, not black eye. Are you okay? I mean, if you’re in some kind of trouble—
Chuck: Only of my own making.
Bart Bass: Why do you think I do all this? Huh? This party is for you, okay, so you can meet people. You know, become a part of something, make some kind of change.
Chuck: Really? I thought it was another excuse for an open bar and, ah, rehiring of the nearly-nude statues.
Bart: Do me a favor, will you? Lose the Scotch. It’s barely noon.
Dan: Does this have anything to do with why you were waiting for Serena this morning?
Blair: You were what?
Chuck: And here I thought you were waiting for me.
Dan: Oh exactly what this situation needs: Chuck. Now what is going on here?
Blair: We were just getting to that.
Serena: Blair, please, don’t do this.
Blair: Sorry, did you want to tell him?
Chuck: I’ll tell him.
Serena and Nate: You know?
Chuck: I know everything.
Dan: And apparently I know nothing.
Serena: Look, Dan, it was a long time ago and I regret it.
Chuck: Look, Serena, stop trying to pretend you’re a good girl. So you slept with your bestfriend’s boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Chuck: Poor Daniel. So little time, so many sluts to defend. Dan pushes him.
Chuck: Looks like it’s just you and me. Apparently my room’s available.
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Poison Ivy
Chuck: Heard about the field hockey throwdown. All those mouth guards and short skirts. I hope somebody filmed it.
Blair: You’re heinous.
Chuck: Which is probably why you called.
Blair: You know me well.
Chuck: Women like to pretend they’re complicated. I know better.
Blair: No one likes to be on the groundfloor of a scandal like Chuck Bass.
Chuck: I am a bitch when I want to be.
Blair: What is she doing there?
Chuck: What is anyone doing there. It’s a facility for the disturbed or addicted.
Blair: You must have your own wing.
Chuck: You don’t get nearly enough credit for your wit.
Chuck: Oh, don’t get your La Perlas in a bunch.
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Bad News Blair
Chuck: You’ve lived through Ivy Week and hopefully gained entry into the college of your choice. Now. Let’s ruin those chances. Let me remind you of the rules. As of this moment there is no outside world that I do not show you. You eat what I provide, practice what I preach. Until I say so, the only girls you talk to are the ones I’ve paid for. Let the lost weekend commence.
Chuck: Who brought the sasquatch?
Nate: Isn’t that Carter Baizen? I haven’t seen him since the eighth grade when he was in the tenth. He looks intense.
Chuck: Are you high? He looks like Matthew McConaughey between movies. The guy’s a loser. Look, anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass.
Chuck: As much as I love the speech about not needing material things from a guy who has that much product in his hair, this party is about excess. Not exposition. Stop talking. Start partying. two girls sidle up beside him Now here is something that doesn’t need material. As a matter of fact it’s about to come off. Who’s with me?
Nate: I think I’m just gonna hang here for a bit.
Chuck: Fine. I’d hate to break up a matched set anyway.
Chuck: What is Carter still doing here?
Nate: I invited him.
Chuck: Or he invited himself. That is his style. begging us to break free of our prisons while stuffing his face with free food and draining our booze. He’s a deadbeat and a hypocrite.
Chuck: This is the lost weekend for juniors, not senior citizens. Go jump into a volcano.
Chuck: And remember, don’t dip your shalaly in the wrong pot o’ gold.
Chuck: Look, you’ve got my watch and my ball. You keep them. Take care of these guys. I don’t call the cops. And we walk out of here.
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Dare Devil
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The Handmaiden’s Tale
Chuck: So what exactly are you looking for?
Nate: Evidence.
Chuck: Of what? The Captain’s dislike of starchy shirts? I totally sympathize. The collars chafe.
Chuck: Little Jenny Humphrey manages to get my pants off and have me not enjoy it. Quite the accomplishment.
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Victor/Victrola
Blair: You want your dad to invest in a strip joint. How Midtown.
Chuck: A burlesque club. A respectable place where people can be transported to another time. Where they can feel free to let loose. No judgment. Pure escape . What happens at Victrola stays at Victrola.
Chuck about Lily: Not much future as an actress.
Bart Bass: What’s with the business formal? Are you being arraigned for something?
Chuck: Nathaniel. Your position in my esteem has been replaced by your voicemail.
Lily: Long night?
Chuck: Alfonso made me an omelette. I may have washed it down with a Bellini or two.
Chuck: He tells me I can’t be committed and he’s the one screwing 25 year olds. When he’s supposedly be committed to you.
Lily: We’re… newly committed as recent as last week.
Chuck: I wonder why he was pawing some Asian chick in his limo yesterday.
Lily: How can I be surprised, really.
Who’s that girl?
Chuck: I have no idea.
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Seventeen Candles
Chuck: What’s on your mind?
Nate: It’s my mom.
Chuck: Sounds Freudian.
Chuck: Look, if you’re done with Blair, be done. Don’t cave to your parents’ wishes if they’re not your desires.
Nate: Excuse me? Where’s my boy? “Seal the deal.” “Tap that ass.” “Money marries bigger money.”
Chuck: You ready for your present? Ow! You wanted to play rough, all you had to do was ask.
Blair: You sound like a jealous boyfriend.
Chuck: Yeah right. You wish.
Blair: No. You wish.
Chuck: Please. You forget who you’re talking to.
Blair: So do you. Do you… like me?
Chuck: Define like.
Blair: You have got to be kidding. I do not believe this.
Chuck: How do you think I feel? I haven’t slept. I feel sick, like there’s something in my stomach. Fluttering.
Blair: Butterflies? Oh no no no. This is not happening.
Chuck: No one is more surprised or ashamed than I am.
Blair: Chuck. You know that I adore all of God’s creatures and the metaphors that they inspire. But, those butterflies? Have got to be murdered.
Chuck: 12:01. I’m sorry.
Blair: No. You’re smarmy. There’s a difference.
Blair: I’m not in the mood, Chuck. This is pretty much the worst birthday ever.
Chuck: Maybe it can be salvaged.
Blair: What is that, our sex tape?
Chuck: I really am sorry.
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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
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Hi, Society
Nate: So has Blair mentioned who’s escorting her?
Chuck: Why? Are you having remorse sex fantasies about your ex?
Nate: What? No.
Chuck: Don’t f with an f-er. I know that look.
Nate: No man. It’s just every time I see her lately something’s different. You know? She’s lighter, she’s happier… Ah, she’s just less Blair.
Chuck: She does have a certain glow about her, doesn’t she?
Chuck: You looked pretty hot on Prince Theodore’s arm today.
Blair: Is that what I am to you, just an accessory?
Chuck: Next to him, yes. On me you’d be so much more.
Blair: Yes, but I can’t be on you, remember? ‘Cause you don’t want Nate to find out.
Nate: I just don’t get it, I organized everything the way she likes it. I mean, I even made sure sure my bowtie matched her dress.
Chuck: Like the book says, she’s just not that into you.
Blair: Nate is a gentleman. He would never cause a scene.
Chuck: Never get your blood going, either.
Blair: Speaking of going, that’s what you should do. Carter Baizen is on his way here right now.
Chuck: What the hell are you doing with Carter Baizen?
Blair: He left his jacket here yesterday and I’d rather you be gone when he got here. There’s been enough scenes for today.
Chuck: We just need to wait until we can get him in a public place. Everyone who thinks he’s changed will see the truth. Then we can get him back for everything he’s done to you, and everything he’s doing to Blair.
Nate: Yeah, when’s that going to happen, huh?
Chuck: I have a feeling it may be sooner than you think.
Carter to Blair: And now for someone with only one left foot.
Chuck to Nate: He just told her what he’s going to do to her later.
Chauffeur: Where to, Mr. Bass?
Chuck: The airport.
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Roman Holiday
Chuck’s voicemail: Leave a message and I might listen to it.
Blair: Chuck, you are not answering my calls. To torture me, I am sure. But please, for the love of God, do not tell anybody about us. Okay?
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School Lies
Blair: Enough wth the blackmail. Aren’t you bored already? I can’t avoid Nate forever.
Chuck: Excuse me. I didn’t say “forever”. Just until the sight of the two of you together doesn’t turn my stomach.
Blair: And when would that be?
Chuck: Only time will tell, I’m afraid. So unless you want dear Nathaniel to know how you lost your virginity to me in the back of a moving vehicle, I encourage patience and restraint.
Blair: Isn’t there someone else you could torture?
Chuck: Probably. But I choose you.
Chuck: Why don’t I turn that one piece into a no-piece?
Serena: Find a floaty to talk to, Chuck.
Blair: So we all know how this works.
Chuck: No one talks, no one gets into trouble.
Nate: Who did break in, anyway?
Chuck: Guess we don’t have to worry about Nate cracking under pressure.
Chuck: You’re taking the paper seriously.
Nate: This isn’t the paper, it’s a heartfelt letter to Blair.
Chuck: A heartfelt letter? Who spayed you, man? Blair doesn’t even want you. She’s been crystal about that since we got back.
Nate: Didn’t seem that way when she kissed me in the pool.
Chuck to Dan: In case you’re wondering, narc, I only took that key from the party to hide it so that we woldn’t all get blamed. Including you.
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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Serena: Hi Chuck.
Chuck: Please, call me Brother.
Serena: I need to talk to you.
Chuck: About getting knocked up? I must say I’m disappointed you weren’t more careful.
Serena: The pregnancy test wasn’t for me, it was for Blair.
Chuck: What?
Serena: She won’t take it. So given that if she’s pregnant you’re the—
Chuck: No. We used a condom.
Serena: Well obviously it broke.
Chuck: What is obvious is that your best friend has kept you in the dark.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Chuck: Like I said, I handle my business. Apparently Nate doesn’t. They slept together just after we did. It’s him you should be asking for help.
Blair: Game over.
Chuck: Game’s not over ’til I say it is.
Blair: Then have fun playing with yourself.
Nate: Did you sleep with her, huh? You son of a bitch, I could kill you.
Chuck: Could we talk about this without your hands around my neck?
Nate: What did you do, did you get what you want like all those other girls?
Chuck: Yes, Nathaniel. I took what Blair kept throwing at you and you kept throwing back.
Nate: Oh, so somehow you screwing Blair for sport is my fault?
Chuck: It wasn’t for sport. She needed someone and I was there.
Nate: Oh, so you cared about her?
Chuck: You guys were broken up.
Nate: For how long? A week? An hour?
Chuck: Look, I’m sorry, alright. I know how long you and I have been best friends, okay?
Nate: No it’s not okay, Chuck. From now on you stay away from me.
Blair: I came to congratulate you in person. You ruined my relationship with Nate, Serena, all of my friends. Even little Jenny thinks she’s too good for me. So, Bravo. Just like you wanted. I have no one to turn to but you.
Chuck: Actually, you don’t even have me.
Blair: Enough.
Chuck: I’ll try to be more succinct. You held a certain fascination when you were beautiful, delicate and untouched. But now you’re like one of the Arabians my father used to own. Rode hard and put away wet. I don’t want you anymore. And I can’t see why anyone else would.
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The Blair Bitch Project
Chuck: Alright Ladies, my sister needs to shower. Make room. I’m just messing with you.
Serena; Okay, let’s get one thing straight. Our parents may be insisting on blending our households, but. I am not your sister. I do not share any of your DNA, nor do I ever wish to.
Chuck: Then I suggest you get new hand towels.
Chuck: And how is Lily von Bülow today?
Lily: Oh, don’t put your dirty package on the table.
Chuck: If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that.
Bart: That’s enough, Chuck.
Bart: You almost ruined things between Lily and me before. I’m not going to let that happen again.
Chuck: What are you talking about?
Bart: I’m talking about that vulgar stunt you pulled at dinner.
Chuck: I didn’t send Serena that package, and quite frankly her “Violated Virgin Mary” act is getting pretty old.
Serena: What the hell’s your problem?
Chuck: Specify the context.
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Desperately Seeking Serena
Chuck: She really needs to tone down on the social niceties. It’s embarrassing.
Serena: Eventually the two of you are going to have to work out your issues.
Chuck: Issues? I’m issue free. And based on my exhaustive research, so are you.
Serena: Georgina?
Chuck: According to my very reliable sources, Georgina Sparks is nowhere near our fair isle. She’s in Switzerland, dating the Prince of Balfour.
Serena: There’s a prince of Balfour? And she’s dating him? Oh thank god.
Chuck: Now you can enjoy the gifts she mailed you with peace of mind. And maybe Chuck in the room.
Serena: Can you help me?
Chuck: Say you need me.
Serena: Chuck!
Chuck: Hearing you scream my name is more than enough.
Chuck to Dan: Beautiful day you’re ruining, isn’t it?
Chuck: What’s Georgina got on you?
Serena: Chuck—
Chuck: Dan I understand. But what’s so bad you can’t even tell me?
All About My Brother
Chuck: Maybe this is Blair’s idea of a perverse double-date.
Chuck: So we have every hangover cure known to man. Plus bagels. This should help soak up the alcohol and—
Blair: Thank you, I’ll take it from here.
Nate: Why do I get the feeling you’re actually enjoying this?
Serena starts throwing up in the next room
Chuck: Call me sentimental.
Chuck: What exactly did she say to you?
Blair: That’s beside the point. We’re gonna help Serena no matter what the problem is.
Dan: seeing Nate at Blair’s Hm. Guess I missed a chapter. and Chuck Or… four. Don’t all of you hate each other?
Blair: Yes.
Chuck: No.
Nate: Absolutely.
Dan: Well that’s fascinating and rife for a psychiatrist’s case study somewhere.
Serena: Dan puts me on a pedestal. If he knew the truth he would never look at me again.
Chuck: You’re starting to scare even me. What did you do?
Nate: C’mon, you can tell us.
Blair: We’ve seen you with vomit and hanging out with investment bankers in the men’s room of PJ Clarke’s. You don’t have to hide anything from us.
Nate: She’s right Serena. None of us are saints.
Blair: Yeah, I had sex with him in the back of a limo.
Chuck: Several times.
Nate: I had sex with you at a wedding. Once.
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.
Serena: You all know Georgina Sparks.
Blair: Some of us better than others. to Chuck It’s not like you didn’t lose your virginity to her in seventh grade.
Chuck: Sixth actually. And I’ve been avoiding her ever since. The bitch is a psycho.
Nate: What about her?
Serena: Well something happened the night of the Shepherd wedding.
Blair: I think we’re all aware what happened that night.
Serena: No, something else. Something I’ve tried to escape but Georgina won’t let me. And now she’s blackmailing me.
Nate: Blackmailing you?
Chuck: With what exactly?
Serena: Well it started when Blair thought you and I had too much to drink. She told us to go outside, get some air, sober up. Instead we went into the empty bar, bottle of champagne—
Blair: We can skip that part, okay.
Chuck: Go ahead. I’ll fill in later.
Nate: Why don’t you just tell Dan about her?
Serena: Because she has that tape of me and she’ll use it. It’s practically a snuff film.
Chuck: We need to find her
Chuck: What’s gotten into you?
Blair: What if I told you I knew where Georgina Sparks was right now?
Chuck: I’d say let’s get the bitch.
Woman on the Verge
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Much “I Do” About Nothing
Blair: Who? What? When? Where? Why?
Chuck: We were up late plotting against Georgina. We must have dozed off.
Blair: And you were on the floor.
Chuck: I didn’t want to hurt my back.
Blair: Why? It’s not like you ever do anything athletic.
Chuck: Well that’s not entirely true, now is it?
Blair: Fine. Nothing that requires removing your scarf.
Chuck: It was one time. It was chilly.
Blair: Enough about the past. Before you landed in my bed we actually landed on a good idea.
Chuck: Well I trust you can take it from here. I have a Best Man’s speech to write and no time to write it.
Blair: Don’t worry. I can be bitch enough for both of us.
Chuck: I still have the scars on my back to prove it. She pushes him You know they say if you love something you should set it free.
Blair: They say when you hate something you should slam the door in its face.
Chuck: I love it when you talk dirty, Blair.
Blair: Best Man’s speech going that well?
Chuck: Won’t be a dry eye in the house, trust me. How did things go with Whoregina?
Blair: Not a dry eye there either.
Chuck: Good to know I wasn’t missed.
Blair: Dan Humprey actually lent a hand. It was nice to see him get his dirty for once. Not sure how much fun he had though. No one ever enjoys their first time.
Chuck: Except you. Save me a dance?
Blair: Now that Georgina’s done so are you and I. She was the last thing we had in common. She knees him. Break a leg.
Chuck: I think I just did.
Mr. Archibald: Little advice fellas. You’ve been friends a long time. Whoever she is, she’s not worth it.
Chuck: Couldn’t agree more.
Nate: That’s the problem.
Chuck: Look I know you hate me. I was in love with Blair and I’m sorry. We do not have time to argue about this.
Nate: This isn’t like you.
Chuck: It’s your dad. It’s bigger than all the other stuff.
Nate: I’m sorry. For all of it.
Chuck: So am I.
Nate: So you said you loved her. That’s ah… well, never heard you say that before. About anyone.
Chuck: I’d like to propose a toast. My father is someone who goes after what he wants. And Lily van der Woodsen was no exception. In typical Bass-man fashion his pursuit was direct and at times not exactly subtle. One thing I learned from my father’s courtship of Lily is the importance of perseverance. That in the face of true love you don’t just give up, even if the object of your affection is begging you to. One thing I learned from Lily is the importance of forgiveness. She gave my father the gift of a second chance and, in kind, I watched him become someone actually worthy of that gift. And one day I hope I’ll be lucky enough to find someone who will do the same for me. To the happy couple!
Blair: That was quite a speech. All your work must have paid off.
Chuck: It wasn’t what I wrote. I was inspired in the moment. Look, I know I said some horrible things. Even for me.
Blair: You mean blogging to Gossip Girl about our sex life and comparing me to your dad’s sweaty old horse.
Chuck: What’s your point?
Blair: What’s yours?
Chuck: You don’t belong with Nate. Never have, never will.
Blair: You don’t belong with anyone.
Chuck: Let’s take it slow this time. Do it right.
Blair: Chuck Bass is a romantic. Who knew?
Chuck: Now you do. That’s all that matters.
One Week Later
Chuck: So are you planning to spend the summer sweating it out in Brooklyn?
Nate: Ah, I think my time across the bridge is over.
Chuck: Nathaniel. What happened with you and Punky Brewster?
Amelia: What’s this?
Chuck: I was hoping we could discuss what you have planned for my room.
Amelia: And who are you?
Chuck: I’m Chuck Bass.