Pilot
Rufus Humphrey (Matthew Settle): Welcome back. How was your weekend? How’s your mom?
Jenny Humphrey (Taylor Momsen): She’s fine.
Dan Humphrey (Penn Badgely): She’s good.
Jenny: Fine and good.
Dan: She’s good and… fine.
Rufus: Like “maybe I never should have left Manhattan”, fine? Or “taking time off from my marriage was the best idea I ever had” fine?
Dan changing the subject: Dad, you know what, I’m starving.
Rufus Humphrey: Guess whose dad is cool.
Jenny: It’s a trick question.
Dan: Yeah, ’cause it can’t be ours.
Rufus: Look at this.
Dan reading Rolling Stone: “Top Ten Forgotten Bands of the 90s.”
Rufus: Yeah. Check out who’s number nine.
Jenny: He’s very proud.
Dan: Hey! Hey! Way to be forgotten.
Rufus: But that’s how you get remembered.
Jenny: One of the girls in my art class saw my calligraphy and she said that if I addressed all the invitations that I could have one.
Rufus: Sounds very fair. Sweat shops could learn a thing or two.
Jenny: Dad this is not platform for one of your anti-Capitalist rants.
Rufus: Yes it is.
Jenny: Besides, you make us go to private schools.
Rufus: That’s for your education.
Jenny: So we should just be anonymous losers who eat lunch alone and never get invited to parties.
Dan: Works for me.
Chuck: Are you following us or something?
Dan: No, I go to your school. Identical uniforms, isn’t that kind of a tip-off?
Nate: That’s funny. {they leave}
Dan: So, you guys wanna sit together at lunch?
Dan: Ah, you know Dad, there’s this thing called MySpace. Where you could post all this information online. Save some trees. Have a blog.
Rufus: Maybe if musicians got off their “blogs” and picked up their guitars the music business would be in better shape.
Dan: Spoken like a true relic.
Rufus: Thanks son.
Dan: Jenny. What is it? What’s wrong?
Jenny: Do you like this on me?
Dan: Wait a second. Is that why you needed me? I thought this was an emergency.
Jenny: A fashion emergency. I mean, come on, I’ve never been to a big dance before.
Dan: Neither have I.
Dan: Hey.
Jenny: Ah, The Invisible Man returns. You know, I really had no idea you could move that fast.
Dan: Yeah, well you’re fashion emergency was solved so I figured my work was done.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. Serena said hi to you at a ninth grade birthday party and you’ve never forgotten it.
Dan: How could I? She was the only person that spoke to me.
Dan: Look, when Prince Charming found Cinderella’s slipper they didn’t accuse him of having a foot fetish.
Dexter: And you’re Prince Charming? There’s Miss van der Woodsen now. Ah, Serena!
Dan: No no no. What are you doing don’t—
Dexter: Do you know this young man?
Dan: She doesn’t know me. Nobody knows me. It’s cool. It’s fine.
Serena: Oh, from last night. Right? I’m sorry about that.
Dan: You remember me? {to Dexter} She remembers me.
Dexter: Well he claims he found your cell phone.
Serena: Oh, you found it!
Lily: What are you and Dan Humphrey doing?
Dan: Ah… we’re going to a concert tonight.
Lily: Lincoln Hawk.
Dan: Yeah. Rolling Stone named them on e of the top ten forgotten bands of the 90s.
Serena: Wooo! I’m a huge fan.
Serena: So you’ll pick me up at eight?
Dan: You’d really go out with some guy you don’t know?
Serena: Well you can’t be worse than the guys I do know.
Serena: So you took me to meet your dad on a first date?
Dan: So, this is a date? Ah. Maybe I shouldn’t have worn my loafers then. Dressed down a little bit.
Dan: My sister was right. You’re nice.
Serena: You asked me out on a date and you didn’t think I was nice?
Dan: No. Ah… just thought you were hot. And technically you asked me out.
Serena: Oh. Okay, okay. I see. So, um, sensitive tortured soul boy is actually kind of superficial, huh.
Dan: Yeah, just a little bit.
Serena: Good to know.
Dan: You son of a—
Chuck: What the hell is your problem? It’s a party! Things happen. Who are you anyway?
Dan: How many times do I have to tell you? I’m in your class. My name is Dan Humphrey. And that is my little sister! {he punches him}
Dan: So, think I’ve got a shot at a second date?
Serena: Well I don’t think you could top this one.
Dan: I did punch someone.
Serena: True. We’ll talk about it in the cab.
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The Wild Brunch
Dan: I think I have brain damage.
Jenny: You know, Dan, if you had brain damage you wouldn’t even know you had brain damage.
Dan: She probably thinks I hate her now. I’ve waited my entire adolescent life for a date with this girl. You know? Serena van der Woodsen. And I decide to close the evening with a wave.
Jenny: It was a nice wave.
Dan: At the end of a date? C’mon. There’s no such thing. You only get one shot with a girl like Serena. I got mine and I blew it.
Jenny: Which means you have nothing to lose.
Dan: Nothing except my last shred of dignity.
Jenny: Oh no. I think that’s gone.
Dan: Hey, how you doing? I was in yesterday with Serena.
Dexter: How could I forget.
Dan: Yeah, well. Um. Is she in?
Dexter: Just missed her actually, but you’re welcome to wait.
Dan: Yeah, okay. Maybe I will. She probably won’t be that long, right?
Dexter: Once she went out and didn’t come back for six months, but feel free to sit. Over there.
Dan: Look man, I live in Brooklyn, not the Ozarks. No offense to the Ozarks. But don’t you think we’re taking this class warfare thing a little too far.
Chuck: This isn’t over.
Dan: Hey, any time man. That one black eye looks a little lonely.
Dan to Serena: I was in the neighborhood. Give or take 70 blocks. just wanted to tell you in person that the end of last night may not have been my finest hour. There was a wave.
Serena: I saw that.
Dan: Yeah. And since then I’ve been wondering, ah… are you hungry?
Dan: Well I can’t say much for his child-rearing skills, but Bart Bass knows brunch.
Dan to the living statue: Hey. How’s it going? No? Yeah, just… go ahead, do your thing.
Lily: Look, I really don’t appreciate your lurking in the shadows, eavesdropping on my private conversation.
Dan: What? No no. I wasn’t. I was looking for Serena.
Lily: Well I don’t see her, do you?
Dan: No. Which is why I was looking.
Blair: Sorry, did you want to tell him?
Chuck: I’ll tell him.
Serena and Nate: You know?
Chuck: I know everything.
Dan: And apparently I know nothing.
Serena: Look, Dan, it was a long time ago and I regret it.
Chuck: Look, Serena, stop trying to pretend you’re a good girl. So you slept with your bestfriend’s boyfriend. I kind of admire you for it.
Dan: Is that true?
Blair: Oh, then she ran away. And lied about it. I just thought you should know. Before you fall head over heels for your perfect girl in her perfect world and then get left all alone with nothing but your Cabbage Patch kid.
Nate: Cabbage Patch?
Dan: Did you talk to my sister?
Chuck: Ah, yes. Little Jenny. I do believe she and I have some unfinished business.
Dan: You stay away from her.
Chuck: Poor Daniel. So little time, so many sluts to defend. Dan pushes him.
Dan: It’s fine, it’s fine. Everyone can stop looking. He’s a jerk. But… it’s my fault and I’m leaving.
Serena: I’ll go with you.
Dan: Actually I prefer if you didn’t.
Dan: Did you tell Blair Waldorf about Cedric?
Jenny: I— It may have come up.
Dan: You can’t trust those people, Jen. Don’t tell them anything.
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Poison Ivy
Rufus: Ah, it’s not that bad.
Dan: Looks like I shaved with a woodchipper.
Jenny: I was going with more of a chainsaw.
Dan: Not helping.
Jenny: Not trying to.
Rufus: Hey, look on the bright side: you’re not a hemophiliac. Otherwise you’d be in the emergency room.
Serena: God, please don’t tell me it’s over.
Dan: You were there. I would say it’s pretty much over.
Serena: I meant the assembly.
Serena: Oo! Angry guy, huh?
Dan: Short fuse. I’m trying to work on that.
Serena: Well let me know how that goes for you.
Dan: Yeah, I’ll keep you posted.
Serena: It’s a tough week.
Dan: Not for me, apparently.
Serena: Oh, you got an usher position?
Dan: No I didn’t. In an ironic though not totally unexpected twist, Nate got the one I wanted.
Dan about Nate: Last year, I believe he had an original thought. It died of loneliness.
Rufus: You’re in.
Dan: What?
Rufus: The Ivy Week party tonight. Your name will be on the program and everything.
Dan: You got me the Dartmouth spot?
Jenny: I knew you could do it, Dad.
Rufus: No you didn’t. And no, I didn’t. How do you feel about the refreshment committee?
Dan: Well there is no refreshment commitee.
Rufus: Not until now.
Jenny: Oh god.
Rufus: What? Everybody gets thirsty. It’s really a position of power.
Dan: How did you secure me this prominent and simultaneously embarrassing position?
Rufus: By offering my own services.
Dan: Mm. Serving snacks?
Rufus: I’m the head of the entertainment committee.
Dan: Another committee that didn’t exist until you left the house today.
Jenny: Way to go, Dad. Who’s the entertainment?
Rufus: Since it was such short notice the only person I could get was… myself.
Dan: Kind of a staid affair for early 90s post-punk math rock, don’t you think?
Rufus: I’m bringing a couple of the guys. It’ll be Rufus Unplugged.
Jenny: Need a roadie?
Rufus: You can talk to that author you love, ask him anything you want.
Dan: Like his preference for softdrinks?
Dan: I get it. I mean, since you don’t have to actually worry about getting into college, why not make the entire evening about screwing over Blair.
Dan: So? What’s he like?
Nate: Like a Dartmouth English Lit prof I have nothing in common with. Guess I could tell him how everything I have I got because I’m an Archibald.
Dan: You should mention Dr. Seuss. Theodore Geisel was his real name. He went to Dartmouth. Hall said he got the idea for The Petting Zoo from the Lorax.
Nate: The what?
Dan: You know what, never mind. Just mention how his prose style is influenced by early Faulkner. You’ll be alright. Or… not.
Dan: If you ever need anybody to talk to. Or, not talk to. I’d be happy to do either.
Serena: I’ll keep that in mind.
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Bad News Blair
Dan: Took a couple of Cubans for me and my dad. Sandwiches. Not cigars.
Dan: Isn’t that the girl who told the entire school and, oh, several colleges that you had a drug problem?
Serena: Yeah, but Blair can be a little… Blair.
Dan: She’s best friends with this girl, Blair Waldorf. Who is basically everything I hate about the Upper East Side distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon mot tossing, label-whoring package of girly evil.
Rufus: No one’s that bad.
Dan: She is. I would barely be exaggerating if I told you Medusa wants her withering glare back.
Serena: How would you like to see what really happens at a fashion shoot?
Dan: I’m sorry, this is Dan Humphrey. Are you sure you’re not trying to reach my sister?
Serena: Okay, what if I buy you anything you want from craft service?
Dan: I thought craft service was free.
Eleanor Waldorf: Who are you? What are you doing here?
Dan: I have no idea, actually.
Dan: I thought you wanted to be on the sidelines here. I thought you wanted to be here for your friend, Blair. You know, we were going to get craft service and I’d have your full attention.
Serena: Say it.
Dan: I don’t think I have to.
Serena: Hey, how about you ask me out again?
Dan: How about you actually show up?
Serena: Okay. No drama, no disruptions. I promise.
Dan: You promise? Oh no! That means it’s never going to happen now!
Serena: Okay, quick, I take it back! I un-promise.
Dan: Friday. 8 o’clock.
Blair: I think we can agree to those terms. But you can’t wear those shoes. Mm. Or that hair.
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Dare Devil
Rufus: Did you knock over a parking meter?
Dan: No. This is the entire contents from my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles piggybank. How long can a man have a piggybank and still call himself a man?
About the Palace
Dan: It’s a nice place that you and… eight hundred other people have got here.
Serena: Yeah, the identical surroundings do make you crazy after a little while. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a secret government experiment.
Dan: Yeah, I come here for the crowd. You wanna play “Mistress or Second Wife”? Because it’s harder than it looks, believe me. So is her face.
Serena: Are you sure you didn’t want any of my dinner? Your entrée was so small.
Dan: No no, it was amazing. I didn’t realize fish could be creamed.
Dan: I don’t understand. Did I do something wrong?
Serena: No. Look, I wanted a date with you. Just not the date you thought I wanted. It’s… it’s fine.
Dan: Alright. Well, then. If it’s a real Dan Humphrey date that you want, then it’s a real Dan Humphrey date that you’re gonna get. Let’s go.
Serena: Really?
Dan: Yes.
Dan about his pool winnings: 75 bucks. I think that pays for your duck.
Serena: That it does.
Serena: You promised if I lost again you’d teach me.
Dan: Alright. That’s a promise I intend to keep. Not just for you, but for dive bars everywhere. All across America.
Dan to Jenny: What are you even doing here? You’re supposed to be at a sleepover.
Amanda: You made out with a girl from a sleepover?
Dan: You made out with him?
Wall Street: No. I made out with her.
Blair: Ew. It was a dare.
Amanda: A dare? What are you, children?
Dan: Yeah, pretty much. She’s fourteen.
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The Handmaiden’s Tale
Dan: A ball?
Rufus: Haven’t you heard? Your sister’s Cinderella.
Dan: And let me guess, your wicked step-sister’s Blair Waldorf.
Dan: This thing happens in a matter of hours. The window for bold gestures is officially closed.
Vanessa: Big night out with over-privileged under-parented trust fund brats from your fancy school?
Dan: Yeah, the limo’s actually waiting back at the loft.
Vanessa Abrams : Good. We can egg it. Maybe slash the tires.
Dan: I stole this mask from some drunken kid only to look like Robin.
Dan: Case of mistaken identity. Ironically… not involving masks.
Vanessa: We can start slow. With the basics.
Dan: Like fewer lies, more Ukrainian food?
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Victor/Victrola
Serena: You think, all the money we spend on private school, they could at least give us a comfortable spot to make out.
Dan: Or better chemistry teachers. Mr. Pizer is a little weird.
Serena: You’re thinking about Mr. Pizer right now?
Dan: We are at school.
Dan: How was I?
Serena: I don’t know. Let’s ask the judges.
BT1: I was gonna give you a three, but since you’re a virgin I gave you an extra point.
Dan: Hey, I chose to wait. Sex is meaningful. Like art. And you don’t rush art.
BT2: Who’s Art?
Dan to Vanessa: Can you please not turn my sex life into a country song?
Dan: The leg wrap. That’s interesting.
Serena: Sexy, right? And it increases stability.
Dan: Sure, yeah. I can see that. The hair grab, does that really work?
Nate: Oh yeah, every time.
Dan: Okay, so. Leg wrap to hair grab. Hold on a second, do I have to keep my shirt open and billowing like that?
Nate: It never hurts.
Serena: Nice.
Dan: I’m doomed.
Rufus: Sensuous massage. Something we should talk about?
Dan: Oh, uh. No. I have a lot of tension. Stress in between my shoulder blades.
Serena: Wait—
Dan: What, did I do something wrong? I knew the hair thing was too much.
Serena: No, it’s just… um.
Dan: “Um” is never good.
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Seventeen Candles
Dan: So Vanessa works here now.
Serena: Yeah. We should make this our regular spot.
Dan: Does anyone else think this is extremely weird? I mean given everything.
Jenny: Dan, just forget about it. If Dad can let it go so can you.
Rufus: What do you mean, “let it go”?
Dan: You don’t get it, do you? You think I’m only mad about the cheating?
Allison Humphrey: Okay, what else?
Dan: Maybe that you promised you’d be home by the end of summer and then weren’t. Maybe that you left at all.
Allison: I asked if you were okay with me going away and I’d hoped that if there was a problem you would say something.
Dan: Like what? Your daughter’s a freshman at a school populated by mean girls and date rapists, I think she needs her mom? Or maybe, My father is madly in love with you and will probably never get over this. Why should I have to tell you this?
Serena: Blair says in a relationship the best friend is—
Dan: Serena. Are you really taking relationship advice from Blair?
Serena: Good point. Look, I just don’t wanna have to compete with Vanessa. You know with Guitar Hero, okay. I’m way more awesome if you didn’t happen to notice. But not with you.
Dan: That’s fair.
Dan: Well listen, if you want to get out of here Vanessa can only fit two on her Vespa but I can walk.
Serena: Well, you know I love me a Vespa but, um, I think I gotta be here, stay with Blair. You’re not the only one with a best friend.
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Blair Waldorf Must Pie!
Dan: Exuse me, do you need like a crossing guard. Or a cab, maybe?
Dan: Hey.
Serena: And hello to you. Big National Holiday. You excited?
Dan: Kind of am. Might be the first Thanksgiving in awhile that I actually remember.
Serena: Yeah. I bet.
Dan: Huh?
Serena: Nothing.
Dan: Better Thanksgiving than never.
Jenny: We on this side of the kitchen choose to be positive.
Rufus: Yeah Dan. What’s it gonna be? Are you with us or against us?
Dan: Fine. Fine. But I only if I can take the cranberry sauce out of the can. That is my specialty.
Serena: So you couldn’t make it past the salad, huh?
Dan: I opened the cranberries. My work is done. How’s Blair’s?
Serena: I wouldn’t know, She gave me the boot.
Dan: Wh- She kicked you out of her house? What happened now?
Serena: Uh, don’t ask. But the good news is, my mom is gonna slice us up a pumpkin. Oh, and there’s a duck.
Dan: No no no. You can’t eat duck and raw pumpkin on Thanksgiving.
Dan: Man with Van, at your service.
Dan: Bold choice of attire, Mrs. Van der Woodsen. Unless it’s what they’re wearing on the runway these days.
Dan: I’m not taking no for an answer. In fact I’m not even asking. You are coming with us. I’m adult-napping you.
Lily: Fine. Just. Stop talking and I’ll get ready.
Dan: Make it snappy. I’m double-parked. Thanks.
Dan: You were talking about your ranch.
Jenny: Did you have any horses?
Lily: Yes, I had a few. Um, I had my own. Rosewood.
Jenny: My dad has a song called Rosewood.
Rufus: Oh, but no, not that Rosewood.
Dan: I completely forgot about that song!
Jenny: Yeah, it’s about my mom, you know. ‘Cause she had this perfume that she always wore. It was rose and —
Dan: Sandalwood.
Jenny: Sandalwood. It was like her own personal scent.
Allison: I’m a fool.
Rufus: You’re not a fool.
Dan: Raise your hand if you’re over 30 and acting really weird right now.
Dan: So what was so bad about her? And I mean aside from the superior fluttering eyelids and the punishing sarcasm.
Allison: Well, she was your dad’s first great love. As she liked to remind me every chance she got. It was kinda hard to compete with that.
Dan: There’s no chance we’re related, right?
Jenny: Oh, look at Eric’s roots.
Eric: What do you mean? What’s wrong with my roots?
Jenny: They’re kind of Rufus-like, doncha think?
Blair: If you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom is a groupie. I mean only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your step-dads.
Serena: Blair, can we not talk about my mom’s appetite?
Dan: Or who satisfied it.
Dan to Blair: See you later, Waldorf.
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Hi, Society
Jenny: I don’t know why you don’t get this, okay? A debutante ball is all a girl could ask for. It’s gorgeous and formal and totally legendary.
Dan: Don’t forget out of touch and totally classist.
Jenny: And if that’s how you feel then why are you going?
Dan: I’m not going. And neither is Serena, actually. I’m just going to meet her grandmother, make a good impression, and, uh, take off before I put my foot in my mouth like I usually do.
Dan: Cotillion’s just seem antiquated to me. A remant of a different age.
Celia: Well. Do go on.
Dan: People spend all this money to have their daughers basically dance in front of others for attention. When if you asked Serena I bet she’d do that for you right now. Free of charge.
Serena: Thank you so much for being so understanding.
Dan: Oh c’mon, I would do anything for an ill grandparent. And besides, my mom has her art opening so we’re both doing things for our families.
Serena: Well my thing isn’t without conditions, believe me. I had a long talk with my mom and I said if I’m going to do this then I’m going to be myself in every possible way.
Dan: Well then can you promise me that when you’re being yourself as they auction you off that you won’t go for anything less than a million dollars?
Serena: Okay, did you get that out of your system?
Dan: Yeah, I think I’m good.
Celia: Do you like it here, Mr. Humphrey?
Dan: Well it’s a little bit like a museum, a little cold. Although the water pressure is unparalleled.
GG: This just in: We hear there’s a cold war brewing between Lonely Boy and a certain Blue Blood. We never thought we’d say this ourselves —
Serena: There you are. What’s going on?
Dan: I’ll tell you what’s going on. I just became your escort for the ball.
But our money’s on Brooklyn for the win.
Dan: What’s going on here, Dad? You’re doing that thing again where you’re acting really weird for no reason. It’s kind of freaking me out.
Dan: I don’t think your grandmother is who you think she is.
Serena: What are you talking about?
Dan: I know she’s got the whole “free spirit” act perfected, but I don’t think she has your best interests at heart.
Serena: Where are you going with this, Dan?
Dan: She came by my dad’s gallery today.
Serena: Well she probably just wanted to see your mom’s art.
Dan: No, she was trying to buy him off so I wouldn’t go with you tonight.
Serena: No. She wouldn’t do something lke that.
Dan: Serena, that’s what I’m trying to tell you. That woman is the most manipulative person I have ever met. She makes your mother look like Gandhi.
Serena: Maybe we shouldn’t be doing this.
Dan: Maybe we shouldn’t.
Rufus: You’re back. What happened?
Dan: Cece won.
Rufus: She has a habit of doing that. Maybe it’s for the best. You’re here with your family.
Lily: You belong with my daughter and I think everyone should know that. Will you come with me?
Dan: Yes, Mrs. van der Woodsen, I would love to.
Lily: Good. And it’s Lily.
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Roman Holiday
Dan: How about an antique butter churn?
Serena: Oh my gosh. That would go so well with my loom.
Dan: I’m gonna be published!
Rufus: My son, the writer.
Allison: Published writer.
Jenny: Yeah, you got your dream girl and your story in The New Yorker. Maybe you should just die now.
Dan: That’s true. I may have peaked.
Dan: This one is from the Smiths. “Seasons Greetings”. That’s very original.
Jenny: Their name is Smith. They don’t have to be original.
Dan: This one is from Alex. “Allison, meet me on the 24th.”
Allison: No, Dan—
Dan: And… that’s not a Christmas card.
Jenny: You know, when I suggested this plan I didn’t know it would entail a robbery.
Dan: Hey hey. I left a donation. So it was more of a rescue than a robbery. You know, those abandoned trees in that lot were just going to be kindling after Christmas. And this tree we have is going to be loved and admired.
Jenny: You have a real talent for spin, my brother.
Dan: I wish I had more of a talent for heavy lifting.
Jenny: Okay, what now?
Dan: Now you go in there, you distract Dexter the humorless concierge, while I try and sneak this in an elevator.
Dan: Oh, Mrs. van der Woodsen, er, Lilly. Hi!
Lily: Dan. Jenny.
Jenny: Hi.
Lily: Tree.
Dan: Yeah, um, they don’t allow Christmas trees inside. Which is why we’re out here.
Jenny: Which is why Dan’s about to ask you for a favor.
Lily: Ah, does it involve distracting Dexter and sneaking into the elevator?
Dan: Why? Would that work?
Lily: No. Never. He has the eyes of a hawk and he takes his job very seriously.
Dan: So I’ve noticed.
Lily: But Bobby at the service entrance. I think he could be bought. Come.
Serena: This is your story.
Dan: Yeah it’s the original. It’s right out of the spiral notebook.
Serena: I’m kind of scared to read it. What happened on October 8, 2005?
Dan: Well, I was accidentally invited to a birthday party. Where I met a girl. She only spoke two sentences to me, but I’ve never forgotten her.
Serena: Wait, your story’s about me?
Dan: The arts and crafts were impressive, but how did you manage the real snow?
Serena: I’m well connected.
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School Lies
Vanessa: Come on! Be interesting. You don’t want me to move back to Vermont, do you?
Dan: No. But if your whole future depends on you getting this grant for your documentary I really really think you should find a new subject.
Vanessa: Absolutely not. “The outsider goes inside: A likeable everyman’s pursuit of his dreamgirl begins his descent into the bowels of hell.” This is mythic stuff.
Vanessa: So what will it be, Dan? Cheerios and Chaucer or an illegal party at your prep school with your high society girlfriend and her nasty cohorts?
Dan: Dad? Vanessa and I are going out.
Dan: Well if you wanted to get the perfect shot of me feelng like an outsider I’m ready for my closeup.
Blair: So we all know how this works.
Chuck: No one talks, no one gets into trouble.
Nate: Who did break in, anyway?
Chuck: Guess we don’t have to worry about Nate cracking under pressure.
Blair: So are we all agreed?
Dan: Look Blair, I know you had your sights set on Yale but this Skull and Bones thing is a little much, don’t you think?
Blair: Maybe. But it works. Every time.
Dan to Serena: Maybe the reason none of you guys take it seriously is because for you, it’s not.
Dan: If you know who broke in, why won’t you give them up?
Serena: Because it was me.
Dan: Wow. You really can be damned if you do and screwed if you don’t.
Headmistress Queller: Who had the key to the school?
Dan: I don’t know.
Headmistress Queller: Let me remind you that you are in a different position from the others. You need this school.
Dan: You going to Brooklyn?
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The Thin Line Between Chuck and Nate
Dan: Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. Then why isn’t he the one buying the test?
Serena: Because—
Dan: Because he’s an ass.
Serena: Who doesn’t know.
Dan: Why not? I mean, there’s no love lost between me and Chuck Bass but I gotta believe he deserves to know.
Serena: He does have this weird influence over her. Maybe he could talk her into taking the test.
Rufus: I need to know how you and Jenny would you feel if I went out tonight for a drink with a woman.
Dan: Well I guess I’d feel like you shouldn’t wear that shirt or there will not be a second date.
Serena: Did you tell Jenny about Blair and Chuck?
Dan: No. No, of course not.
Serena: Well you’re the only one I told.
Dan: And I didn’t tell anybody.
Serena: How can I know that?
Dan: Because I gave you my word. Because I love you.
Serena: What?
Dan: I love you. And not just because I thought you were pregnant. And not the way you like some random guy who picks up your lit paper. Or some girl who likes your hair.
Serena: Okay.
Dan: Okay. The response is not “okay”.
Dan: Well if you want to talk about why—
Serena: It has to do with my mom and her many marriages.
Dan: There. That’s why. Because I actually like it when you interrupt me. Which is often, by the way.
Dan: You’re also completely unaware that you laugh like a four year old.
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The Blair Bitch Project
Desperately Seeking Serena
Rufus: You used to beg me to walk you to school. You’d cry if I didn’t walk you to class.
Jenny: That wasn’t me. That was Dan.
Dan: It’s true. But I was six. It was an emotional time for me. It was post-tee ball.
Vanessa: Is there a reason you insist on looking so desperate and needy?
Dan to Nate: She’s been like that since we were kids. Venomous without provocation.
Vanessa: It’s better than being a charity case.
Dan: She’s rude too.
Serena: Can we drop the interrogation?
Dan: As soon as you tell me where my girlfriend is.
Serena: I’m right here, with you.
Dan: Look, I gotta go to class. I can’t do this.
Dan: Alright. “Capacious.” Looks like “spacious.” What does it mean? Roomy. Ah, yeah… “captious.” Look like… well it looks like “capacious”. I can’t concentrate.
Jenny: The sound of your own voice distracting you?
Jenny: So it’s okay for Dan to date someone rich then?
Dan: Well it’s not without it’s complications, believe me.
Rufus: I thought you said it wasn’t a date. {Jenny storms off and slams her door} It was nice there for a minute.
Dan: Yeah, it was.
Sarah/Georgina: Sorry to disturb you.
Dan: It’s fine. I love dogs.
Sarah/Georgina: Really? Do you have any?
Dan: No. Uh, we used to have a cat. But you know—sister. Allergies. Now the cat—Iggy—lives in Florida with my grandma. Ah, he doesn’t write. Never calls.
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All About My Brother
Dan: So this tutor, is he cute?
Serena: If hair in ears is your thing.
Dan: Asher. Got a minute?
Asher: Yeah, but just a minute. Jenny and I have a lunch date.
Dan: Well look there’s no easy way to say this, honestly, so I’m just going to, I’m just going to say it. I saw you. This morning.
Asher: Saw me what?
Dan: I saw you, you know. I saw you kissing that guy.
Asher: You’ve got the wrong person.
Dan: C’mon man, I don’t think I do.
Asher: Are you calling me queer?
Dan: That’s not at all what I said.
Asher: Do you wanna know how “queer” I am? I’m so queer I’m gonna pop your sister’s cherry tonight.
Dan gives him a solid right hook to the jaw. Or, you know… should have.
Blair: Dan Humphrey. Just who I hate to admit I was looking for. You’re dirty.
Dan: What are you talking about?
Blair: Cheating, drinking, drugs. It’s all fair game. But outing your sister’s boyfriend is dark. How did Squeaky Clean Humphrey even come up with that?
Dan: I didn’t come up with anything.
Blair: Oh my god. You know something. Spill it.
Dan: Yeah, I might have seen Asher kissing another guy.
Blair: So it’s true? Who was he kissing?
Dan: I don’t know, I couldn’t see. But why does that even matter?
Blair: Right now Gossip Girl’s credibility is the same as Tinsley Mortimer’s after a few martinis.
Dan: Jenny, is this true?
Jenny: It’s private.
Dan: It’s on the internet.
Rufus: Angry. Shames. Trust. Girl. Something you want to talk about?
Dan: Who would have thought Scrabble would be so therapeutic. That last one was a triple word score.
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Woman on the Verge
Rufus: I don’t know if you know this, but you can be a pretty judgmental guy.
Dan: So you’re saying that I should learn to be someone else around her so she can be herself around me?
Rufus: Couldn’t have said it better myself.
Dan: seeing Nate at Blair’s Hm. Guess I missed a chapter. and Chuck Or… four. Don’t all of you hate each other?
Blair: Yes.
Chuck: No.
Nate: Absolutely.
Dan: Well that’s fascinating and rife for a psychiatrist’s case study somewhere.
Dan: Are you really going to stop me from seeing my girlfriend?
Dan: What’s happening?
Serena: Dan—
Dan: Something’s going on. And I just want to be let in on what it is.
Serena: It’s hard to explain.
Dan: Let me make it easy for you. I know you’re keeping something from me. And I’m sick of being the only one you don’t talk to about it.
Serena: I’m not talking to anyone.
Dan: Then what are they doing here? Why do I get a call from a bartender who says you left the bar at two in the morning with a bunch of guys? What guys, Serena? Who were they?
Serena: I don’t know.
Dan: Did something happen last night?
Serena: Please don’t—
Dan: Is that it— You’re afraid to tell me that you cheated on me? Did you cheat on me last night? All I need is a yes or a no. Did you sleep with someone else?
Serena: Yes. Yeah.
Dan: I’m done. I’m done.
Dan: You know it’s really loud in here. You want to go somewhere else—someplace quiet—and talk?
Georgina: But your dad’s about to go on.
Dan: He’ll understand. It’s not like we won’t be watching this on YouTube for the next five years.
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Much “I Do” About Nothing
Georgina: Serena, I’m sorry, the way Dan was talking I thought it was over.
Serena: Over?
Dan: Maybe not exactly over but—
Georgina: I should go. This is not what I had planned.
Serena: No, I think it’s exactly what you had planned.
Dan: Serena, this is not Sarah’s fault.
Serena: No, it’s Georgina’s.
Dan: Whatever.
Georgina: I never meant to get in between you two. I swear.
Dan: Please, it’s okay.
Georgina: No, it’s not. Because now she’s upset.
Serena: Yeah I am. You manipulative, psycho bitch! You have been planning this this whole time.
Dan: Serena, what are you doing?
Serena: She’s lying to you, Dan.
Georgina: Goodbye Dan.
Serena: I am telling him everything.
Dan: Tell me what? What is it that you need to tell me?
Serena: Do you hate me?
Dan: No no. Of course not. It’s just… It’s a lot. And I really really wish that you’d told me this sooner.
Serena: I know it’s my fault. I was just so scared.
Dan: I get it. “Hey I killed someone and I’m being blackmailed by a crazy girl pretending to be someone else” doesn’t quite roll off the tongue.
Dan: This is so weird. I don’t normally do plots against people.
Blair: Don’t worry virgin, I’ll talk you through it.
Blair: Humphrey, you are a born liar.
Dan: Thanks, I think.
Blair: All that stuff you said about last night was genius. Anything you want to tell me?
Dan: Uh, no. Just born to lie.
Dan: So how long are you going to be on the road?
Rufus: I’ll get the details, we’ll figure it all out. It’s kinda cool, right?
Dan: It’s very cool.
Rufus: Affirmation from my son. This is an historic moment.
Dan: Well last night must have been pretty historic as well, considering when I came home you hadn’t.
Dan: I don’t understand it fully, but the reason Lily stayed away is because Serena asked her to.
Rufus: Thanks Dan. That’s, uh… just thanks.
Dan: Don’t run away from me.
Serena: Dan, it’s okay. So, you hooked up with Georgina. I kind of figured that when I saw you coming out of her bedroom this morning. But I’m willing to let it go. I don’t want to break up with you.
Dan: Maybe…. Maybe I want to break up with you. Maybe I can’t just let it go. You lied to me. Over and over. And it was easy for you.
Serena: No it wasn’t easy.
Dan: I got seduced by a girl pretending to be someone else, and you knew.
Serena: But I couldn’t say anything.
Dan: Oh because you were afraid I’d find out you thought you killed somebody.
Serena: I was hoping you’d understand.
Dan: I am the most understanding person in the world. But this? And this is not about who you used to be, your past, or who you were when we met. I mean the only reason I was with Georgina was because yesterday morning you slept with two random guys you met in a bar.
Serena: No no, I didn’t. I just said that.
Dan: How is that less crazy?
Serena: Because I thought it would be easier to forgive than what I really did.
Serena: So what Dan? We’re exactly where we were at the Bass’ brunch when we first started dating. I’m not who you thought I was and you can’t forgive that.
Dan: I just think too much has happened. I don’t know how to make things go back to what they were.
Serena: So that’s it then? It’s just “Have a good Summer, I’ll see you back at school.”?
Dan: I guess. Yeah.
Serena: He’s gone. You can let go now.
Dan: I know. But I don’t want to.
One Week Later
Dan: Tell me, what exactly happened with you and Man Bangs?
Vanessa: He is prettier than me but that wasn’t the problem.
Dan: Yeah? So what exactly was it? The whole perpetually stoned brooding guy thing?
Vanessa: I actually enjoyed the quiet. It was a nice change from you.
Dan: Oh. Was it his past with Serena?
Vanessa: No. That’s just your issue.
Dan: It must have been the different worlds thing, right? One of you always feeling like a fish out of water?
Vanessa: I know exactly what you’re doing. Ask me enough questions about Nate and I won’t ask you about Serena.
Dan: Best offense is a strong defense.