The Jewel of Denial
Serena: Mom, I saw her myself. She’s fine. I promise.
Lily: Well that’s not for you to decide. Carol is her mother and I’m not going to participate in deceiving her.
Rufus: I just got the call. You are officially a free woman.
Lily: Oh my god, Rufus. Is this for real?
Rufus: One hundred percent. Your ankle monitor was deactivated an hour ago.
Lily: I was so excited to have my freedom back, I didn’t think about what it would actually be like when it happened.
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Memoirs of an Invisible Dan
Dan: Hey, everyone. Thank you so much for coming.
Serena: I only have five minutes.
Blair: This better be really important.
Nate: What is this all about?
Lily: Is everything all right?
Charlie: This isn’t about me, right?
Rufus: Yeah. What’s going on, Dan?
Chuck: This is going to be fun.
Nate: What’s so funny?
Lily: I think you should ask Dan.
Dan: Well I might have made your character a little…
Chuck: Gay.
Chuck: Seems like I’m always off on my own.
Lily: I thought you liked it that way.
Chuck: I don’t want to be the unrepentant bad boy, who no one cares lives or dies.
Lily: It’s just a book, Charles.
Chuck: What if it isn’t?
Lily: There are people who care so deeply about you, if you would just let them.
Chuck: Blair is lost to me.
Lily: I know. I’m sorry.
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The Fasting and the Furious
Rufus: I’ll make dinner tonight and we can hear all about your first day.
Lily: You don’t want to go to the break fast at the Waldorf’s?
Rufus: Not really in the mood.
Lily: Oh. Isn’t that ironic. The state lifts my house arrest and you lock yourself up.
Lily: You know the only way you’re going to get out of this funk is to sit down and listen to what he has to say.
Rufus: I’m not ready yet.
Lily: An evening of friends and kugel is just what we need.
Rufus: Since I’m feeling a little raw on the family front, if Eleanor refers to you as Lily Bass again I can’t promise I won’t return fire.
Lily: I dragged you here, and you have my full blessing to go Sean Penn if need be.
Lily: Well I bet you never thought you’d hear such good parenting advice from Blair Waldorf.
Rufus: It’s time to let my anger go and return Dan’s calls. I mean if he didn’t piss me off it would just mean he wasn’t growing up.
Lily: That is the Rufus Humphrey that I love.
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The Big Sleep No More
Lily: Charlie, Serena. Care to join us for a 2011 version of a family breakfast?
Lily: What’s going on? Is Dan okay?
Rufus: I’m not sure. That was his agent Alessandra. She said he missed his book signing in Boston yesterday and he didn’t check into Burlington either. She can’t find him anywhere.
Rufus: I know Dan. It’s not like him to skip out on an obligation.
Lily: And I know you. What time would you like to leave for Boston?
Rufus: The Morris Miner’s in the parking lot in Brooklyn. It’ll be faster to drive.
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All the Pretty Sources
Dan: “As for number two, in high school D. got left off the list because no one knew who he was. Now it’s because they know too well. Looks like Lonely Boy needs to change his name to Banished Boy.” {Lily and Rufus laugh} Really, guys? Thank you for the support.
Lily: Well listen, I mean at least they’re still talking about you. If they weren’t I’d start worrying.
Dan: Well that might happen soon since Inside is off the bestsellers list.
Charlie: Isn’t it a little mean that you and all of Blair’s friends are messing with her about tonight?
Lily: Well it might be the only event in Blair’s life where she’s not in control.
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Rhodes to Perdition
Charlie: I’ve never seen so much lamé before. Grandma actually wore this?
Lily: Yes. And looked fabulous riding in on an elephant in it. Which is why the Studio 54 anniversary party is in her honor. And Bianca Jagger’s, but we won’t mention that to her when she arrives.
Cece Rhodes: Bianca was a striver. She could never outshine me no matter how little she wore.
Lily: Rufus and I have a small gift for you.
Rufus: Opening night, I tracked it down for you.
Cece: How surprisingly thoughtful. If I had any memory of that night I’m sure it would be fond.
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Riding in Town Cars with Boys
Lily: Just because Carol made a mockery of her own debut does not mean Charlie should be cheated out of the experience.
Rufus: Yeah, she hired Karen Finley to go in her place and when Carol’s name was called, Karen walks out wearing nothing but chocolate and a pillbox hat.
Lily: Now I’m a Karen Finley fan, but it was a bit much. We were barred from the Plaza for years.
Charlie: It’s way too generous. Especially after everything I put you guys through with Max.
Lily: Oh please. That was not your fault. That young man had a lot of problems.
Dan: Hm. No wonder Serena was so into him.
Lily: I’m always here for you. No matter how ugly or dark your feelings may be, you should not have to bear them alone.
Chuck: I appreciate it, Lily, but you have no idea what you’d be taking on.
Lily: Are you kidding? Of course I do. Try as you might, you don’t scare me. I’m sorry to inform you that my love for you is unconditional.
Chuck: The idea of unconditional love is as quaint as the Tooth Fairy or environmentally-friendly drycleaning.
Lily: Not when you’re a parent. Look you might only be my son by marriage, Charles, but I’ve always loved you as my own. And I hope you get the opportunity to feel that with someone some day.
Lily: I just spoke to the doctor and the good news is Blair is awake and responsive.
Rufus: And Chuck?
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The End of the Affair?
Lily: I hoped that Charlie might surprise us with a visit. Or at least a call.
Rufus: She made it pretty clear that life on the Upper East Side was too much for her.
Lily: Well I can understand. With the press at her party and the paparazzi chasing Charles and Blair. But we were so close. I just wish she had said goodbye.
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Father and the Bride
Lily: It’s not every day you get to see your face on a taxicab.
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G.G.
Lily: When Rufus said he saw you I knew it must be true.
Rufus: Crashing one wedding wasn’t enough for you?
Georgina: I didn’t crash, I was invited. My invitation just got lost in the mail. I do live in Brooklyn now, after all. I mean it’s practically the Falklands.
The Backup Dan
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Crazy, Cupid, Love
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Despicable B
Reporter: Any truth to the rumors that you and your husband are no longer living together?
Lily: No. None at all.
Lily: I know! We’ll have a big family dinner her tonight to celebrate our victory in court. And I’ll invite a reporter from the New York Social Diary to dispel all the rumors of family strife.
Serena: You think the way to handle this is by inviting the media into our home?
Lily: I’ll find a way to get Rufus here. You bring Lola.
Lily: I’m sorry you’re upset with me, but I think it’s time we put our petty fighting behind us and move on. What do you say?
Rufus: I’d say that doesn’t sound like a real apology.
Lily: Well I’m not sure I’m the one that needs to apologize.
Rufus: Oh, you think I am. For what?
Lily: Taking Ivy’s side. Paying her way behind my back.
Rufus: She was basically homeless.
Lily: That’s because the home she’d been living in was mine.
Rufus: That’s exactly right, Lil. It was yours. Not ours.
Rufus: You see what we’re doing here? All this fighting and finger-pointing? I thought we were in this together. But you do whatever you feel like.
Lily: Oh, I could say the same thing about you.
Rufus: This isn’t the way a marriage is supposed to be—who’s wrong, who’s right. It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we’re in a partnership.
Lily: I couldn’t agree more.
Rufus: Then how about you give me a call when you’re ready to be a partner again.
Serena: I just found out that Lola’s not my cousin but she’s my sister. Which means Dad was having an affair with Carol while you were still married.
Lily: How did you hear this?
Serena: Well Dad lied to me about being out of town and then I saw him with Lola. And then Nate just told me that Lola spent the morning with her father.
Lily: Well there still could be some other explanation.
Serena: No, no, this is the explanation. It explains everything. Carol hiding Lola from us, hiring Ivy to be her. You know in your heart that this is the truth.
Lily: I want you to put this out of your mind, plaster on your best happy face and go get ready for the party. Will you do that for me?
Serena: If that’s what you want.
Lola: You realize this isn’t just hurting my mom, it’s hurting me too.
Lily: Your mother deserves to be punished. She defrauded all of us and we should have done this months ago.
Lola: You know—
Carol: Don’t listen to her, Lola. This has nothing to do with fraud. This is all because I slept with her husband two decades ago. But here’s the thing, Lily. I never would have been with William in the first place if he were happy with you.
Rufus: You know I thought we’d grown together, but if this is who you want to be I don’t want to have anything to do with it.
Lily: Rufus, are you saying you’d like a divorce? Because where exactly are you going to find some Upper East Side woman to take care of you the way I have?
Rufus: Spoken like a true Rhodes.
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Raiders of the Lost Art
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The Fugitives
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The Return of the Ring
Bart: Deceiving you was the only way to keep you and Chuck safe.
Lily: If I had known maybe we could have done things differently.
Bart: You mean you would have come with me? Please. You were getting ready to leave me for Rufus.
Lily: I’m sorry for that. I should have had more respect for our marriage. What about Charles? I mean his thinking you were dead was hell for him.
Bart: He got through it though. With your help. He told me about the adoption, Lily. I owe you everything for that.
Lily: Charles is family. And even with you back he’s mine too.
Lily: How dare you have annulment papers drawn up behind my back.
Rufus: I tried to call you, you didn’t answer. I wanted to give us a chance to work things out before Bart started causing problems.
Lily: Our problems long pre-date Bart’s return. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks. You’ve had no interest in working on our marriage until you saw this as a competition with him.
Lily: Well at least an annulment will be better than a messy divorce.
Rufus: Are you sure about this?
Lily: I can only have one marriage. This just isn’t one anymore.