[nextpage title=”page 1″]
Yes, Then Zero
David Russell: Loosen up. Enjoy it a little bit. Just because you’re in white tie doesn’t mean you can’t be dirty and drunk. That’s how these people were back then.
Serena: Marshall, remember when you said I could observe filming one day before the shoot was over?
Marshall (Ethan Peck): Shoot’s not over ’till next week.
Louis: How does it feel to be home?
Blair: Oh, it’s going to be tough reacclimating after living in a palace. How will the penthouse do? But maybe we should skip the wedding planning and pull the blinds and just spend the day in bed.
Louis: We did that all summer. But we can’t put off our parents any longer. would a present help motivate you downstairs?
Blair: How did you know just what I was missing. Shall I wear it to your uncle’s speech at the General Assembly tomorrow?
Louis: Unfortunately you will not be allowed inside until you are an official member of the royal family. Consider yourself lucky. [?] speeches are stronger than Ambien.
Jeremiah (Jay McInerney): Read an advance copy of a story that Vanity Fair is running in their next issue. Reminded me of your work. Only better.
Dan: Who wrote it?
Jeremiah: That’s the thing. No one knows. Totally anonymous. And everyone’s talking about it.
Dan: What’s the story about?
Jeremiah: It’s a little Wharton and a lot Wolfe. The modern misdoings of upper crust Manhattan. I thought of you because the protagonist’s name was Dylan Hunter of all thing. Initials being what they are.
Princess Sophie (Joanne Whalley): I see from your list of demands, Blair—
Eleanor: Demands?
Princess Sophie: —that you would like to have peonies in your bridal bouquet.
Blair: They’re my favorite flower.
Princess Sophie: And they are very beautiful, but in our country a bride always walks with carnations.
Blair: To the nearest florist and demands a refund. I’ll be holding peonies.
Princess Sophie: I know this is very short notice, but not to worry. My dress is on the way.
Blair: Your dress?
Princess Sophie: Everybody else has been married in this dress, from my great grandmother on.
Blair: Louis, I already lost on the food and the flowers and the font. You know how important choosing my dress is for me.
Dorota: How about some cold Prosecco to kill the pain.
Blair: It’s okay, I accept.
Louis: Accept what?
Blair: Your apology. {the dress comes in}. You didn’t talk to your mother.
Louis: It’s just so hard to say no to her.
Blair: We’re going to be married in three months. I need to know that we’re in this together and I’m not just standing here alone.
Louis: You’re not. I’m right here.
Blair: Those are just words. I need proof.
Louis: You’re right. The dress discussion can wait until tomorrow. But tonight, I show my mother that you come first.
Jane (Michael Michele):Serena. Are you looking for marshall?
Serena: No, you actually.
Jane: I hope it’s to tell me why you didn’t follow up after our first meeting. I didn’t scare you away, did I?
Serena: No no, I just didn’t want to step on Marshall’s toes.
Jane: Why not? Keeping him on them is what David hired you to do. If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have even read the book.
Stunt Coordinator: You’re about to be in a lot of trouble. I get the feeling you don’t care.
Chuck: Are you free tonight?
Stunt Coordinator: I am now.
Eleanor: Darling, is the stress of the wedding getting to you? Testing a good man who loves you never ends well.
Random Partygoer: Oh my god. Are you that guy? That guy from that movie?
Nate: Ah… yes.
Random Partygoer: I love that guy. Can we have your autograph?
Nate: Yeah.
Diana Payne (Liz Hurley): How about a tour?
Nate: Ah… yes. Absolutely.
Diana: This is a private tour.
Blair: I can’t even believe I’m answering this call.
Louis: I’m so sorry, Blair. Something’s come up that’s taking me longer than anticipated. It looks like I won’t make it to the [?].
Blair: You’re going vague on this one? Something’s come up? Why don’t you admit that you’re already at the UN with your mother instead of lying.
Louis: I’m not. I wish I could tell you where I am, but I made a promise.
And we know how you honor the promises you make. As long as they’re not to me. Tell your mother congratulations. She won.
Louis: What are you talking about?
Diana: So you collect?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: A Helmut Newton, right?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: Is that Lauren Hutton?
Nate: Yes.
Diana: Or is it Lisa Taylor?
Nate: Yes. How’d you know?
Diana: I have a good eye. And good taste. Is this the master bedroom? Let’s destroy it.
Stunt Coordinator: Okay. I know I don’t know you at all and you probably could give a damn about what I have to say. Most of the people in my business are in it because they’re thrill seekers or adrenaline junkies. But for some of them, there’s something dark going on. I think you need help.
Chuck: I said I’m fine.
Stunt Coordinator: That maybe, but this date is over. Good luck, Chuck
Nate: My best friend was right. Saying yes makes everything better.
Jane: Well based on my own recent experience I’d have to agree. Now it’s time for you to leave.
Nate: Well if that’s how you want to be about it, okay. But it is my house. Don’t you think you should be the one to go?
Jane: Actually, this is my house.
Jane: Nice to meet you by the way…
Nate: Nate.
Jane: Hm. That’s a great name.
Nate: And you are?
Jane: Done now.
Marshall: I need this job more than you do, okay? I pay for my life. I have student loans, rent, a car lease. I can’t afford to get fired.
Serena: And I can?
Marshall: You’re Serena van der Woodsen. You do one lap around this party you’ll get ten job offers. You weren’t even looking when you found this one.
Blair: What? Oh. No. Is it my hair?
Eleanor: I didn’t want to say anything in front of Louis but I found something hidden in the pantry. Is this why you have been acting so strange about Louis? Is there something you need to tell me?
Louis: Mother, Blair is not carrying those. And there are some other things I need to talk to you about.
Seamstress: Do they know?
Blair: Know what?
Seamstress: How far along you are? I’d say six weeks. He sent me your measurements.
Charlie’s Boyfriend (Brian J. Smith): One month anniversary of our move.
Charlie: It’s crazy.
Charlie’s Boyfriend: What’s crazy is if your uncle hadn’t have left you that tiny bit of money we never would have left Miami.
View all quotes from Yes, Then Zero
Beauty and the Feast
Blair: Are you sure this doctor is reputable? Your prenatal care is imperative.
Dorota: You never care about my womb before.
Doctor: You two should work this out. Dorota can come back another time. Alone.
Blair: I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me.
Dorota: Yes you do. You are pregnant too! We are like sisters now. Cousins. Distant cousins. Miss Blair, why you not say you are—
Blair: Do not utter the word. No one must know. At least until I have some time to figure things out.
Charlie/Ivy: I get that working for this producer is a huge opportunity, but what about Columbia?
Serena: Well I’m taking this semester off and I’ll see how things go after that. My only issue is living with Cece. Last night at 2am her bridge game turned brutal.
Doctor: I have a hard time believing anyone has that high a threshold for pain.
Nate: Yeah, well he’s probably self-medicating. You should see his medicine cabinet. Some of that stuff’s not even legal in Mexico. {Nate laughs… the doctor doesn’t} No, I was just kidding.
Doctor: He claimed he couldn’t feel me touching his ribs during the exam. If he’s taking that many drugs, someone needs to keep an eye on him to make sure he doesn’t take anymore or do anything except rest. His injuries are bordering on dangerous.
Dorota to Beatrice: I’ll show you to door. And by door I mean elevator. {no movement} Over there.
Blair: Your people were bred to work through these conditions and give birth in a field.
Dorota: No fields in Krakow. And I have birthing suite at Lennox Hill.
Ivy: We’ll be like Bonnie and Clyde.
Max: How ’bout without the killing and robbing and car chases?
Blair: Beatrice. You have to understand, it’s still so early. I didn’t want to get Louis’ hopes up if things weren’t okay. I was going to tell him.
Louis walking up: What were you going to tell me?
Beatrice: About her wonderful idea, Louis.
Blair: I have so many.
Dan: Mm.
Diana: Once you know how to control information you can do anything with it. Politics, banking. Whatever.
Nate: While that sounds great, I would have to get my family to approve me pulling out on this other thing.
Diana: Well just remind them what George did for JFK, Jr. See you at the office next week.
Ivy: I’m sorry. I just realized what’s making me unhappy in LA isn’t LA. It’s you.
Beatrice: I just have to find another way to get Louis out of Monaco for good. So my mother will finally see that I was the right choice all along.
Priest: Vengeance becomes you.
View all quotes from Beauty and the Feast
The Jewel of Denial
Blair: Go away! I’m preparing for my interview with Hello magazine.
Dorota: But doctor office call again. They have test results.
Blair: Hang up or I’ll tell the reporter you’re undocumented.
Dorota: We have problem. Doctor’s office call four times to say paternity test ready for pick-up. Miss Blair say she busy, but reading Grace Kelly biography all day is not busy, is denial.
Dan: When does Louis get back from his trip?
Dorota: Tonight! And Miss Blair had promised us that she find out who baby daddy is before he get home.
Dan: All right, I have a couple things to do this morning but when I am done I will march her to the doctor’s office myself if I have to.
Serena: Woah. That is not the look of a girl in an Empire state of mind.
Charlie: Last week at Grandma’s was great, but I don’t know. I think it was a mistake to come back.
Serena: Stop worrying about your mom. Cece won’t tell a soul you’re here.
Dorota: I must say, best part of pregnancy is knowing who father is.
Noah Shapiro: So Dan Humphrey wrote an actual novel. And I was convinced you’d remain an epic disappointment.
Dan: Well I never intended to publish it.
Shapiro: Have you seen what’s on the bestseller list? Unless you’re friends with Rizzoli and Isles or related to a bounty hunter, no one will give a crap about your world.
Blair: Mention that name and you’ll be exiled and forced to work in someplace terrible. Like the Upper West Side! And you know what happens to housekeepers there.
Dorota: Zabar Zombies.
Diana: This is a one-stop shop of illicit emails, incriminating photos and sex. Are you sure you didn’t work for News Corp?
Ivy: I came from nothing. Everything here sparkles. And that family that you can’t stand has been kinder to me than my own family ever was. I’m not walking away from that. And if you try to take me down, Carol, you’re coming with me.
Noah: Destiny is a scary thing to face. We all need a little push.
Ivy: I’m going to make sure that Cece reinstates your access to her checks.
Carol: You are on your own now. Good luck.
Louis: You’re pregnant? You’re pregnant!
Blair: Oh, you’re happy.
View all quotes from The Jewel of Denial
Memoirs of an Invisible Dan
Dan: Quick question: how big can my head get before it explodes?
Alessandra: Half the buys are probably Upper East Siders dying to see if they’re in it.
Dan: Yeah. Some of my friends might feel they are.
Alessandra: They’re coming tonight, right?
Dan: To the book party? No. I haven’t exactly mentioned it to them yet. But I’d have to tell them the book exists first.
Alessandra: They don’t know? Not any of them?
Dan: No. I’m not sure they’re going to like it when they find out.
Alessandra: If they’re really your friends they’ll be happy to see your star rise. And they should be at the soirée tonight. When everybody learns that Anonymous is actually Daniel Humphrey.
Alessandra: See you later. Giorgio Armani for your suit fitting. And don’t shave. It makes you look like a real writer.
Blair: I now understand why women used to go into confinement. It wasn’t because of modesty, but vanity. My boobs. Oh, I’m huge!
Louis: Sorry, darling. I was just reading about how some pregnant women have mood swings. Apparently they didn’t know you before pregnancy.
Louis: You look gorgeous. I can’t wait to tell the whole world the good news.
Blair: Me too.
Blair: You don’t think your family’s going to be upset, do you? I don’t want them to think of me as the star of some trashy MTV show like, “Unmarried and Pregnant Princesses” or, I don’t know, “Royally Screwed.”
Louis: My mother will be over-the-moon. The job of any princess is to provide an heir to the kingdom. And that is exactly what you are doing.
Blair: An heir to a kingdom lives within me. How very Shakespeare.
Louis: Comedy not a tragedy, I hope.
Jane (Michael Michele): Morning, everyone. I juice fast this week. not going to be pretty.
Jane: Daniel never agrees to do anything. The man took three years to make a pair of shoes.
Jane: You can look at your phone. I don’t run a gulag.
Diana: If only we had Blair Waldorf’s phone.
Nate: I told you, she’s my friend and my friends are off-limits.
Diana: Morals. How quaint.
Sam: We got an advance copy of this new book by some anonymous New York insider and everyone in town is trying to figure out who.
Serena: Well I know who. I used to date him.
Sam: Shut up. No way! You’re Sabrina? The dreamy blonde with the legs.
Serena: I guess I am.
Sam: Did you actually have cases of champagne delivered to your school?
Serena: Is that what he wrote? A friend was pulling a prank on me.
Sam: But it actually happened?
Serena: That was in high school. Keep reading. You’ll see I mature as he gets to know me better.
Sam: I told him that you’re Sabrina. I hope that’s not a problem.
Serena: No, not at all. It’s nice to play such a big part in Dan’s book. We’ve always been close.
Sam: Ugh. He must have been a saint to put up with you that long.
Sam: There’s this novel going around town with this character based on Serena. Sabrina is a totally shallow self-obsessed party girl. Yes, I finished it.
Serena: Aren’t you being a little reductive?
Jane: And ridiculous. Daniel lives on a farm in Ireland, his cow’s probably giving birth right now. And everything isn’t about Serena.
Diana: Don’t bother lying. Or hanging up. We met this morning when you were Charlie Rhodes.
Serena: Is this what you’ve been trying to tell me all day?
Blair: No, because it never happened. {to Louis} It never happened!
Louis: I don’t believe a word you say! You said yourself that Dan has no imagination.
Dan: Okay, thanks. But Louis, it didn’t happen.
Chuck: You’re making a big mistake.
Louis: In thinking that Blair could be trusted? Yes. She will always have her secrets. She can’t exist without them. You were right after all.
Chuck: You shouldn’t listen to me. If you read Dan’s book you know how I turn out. You have a chance at having love in your life. Not ending up alone, hanging in a closet. Don’t give up. Or your own fact will be someone else’s fiction.
Blair: Louis—
Louis: Don’t. I’m ashamed enough of my behavior. I know you have a complicated past, but you’ve been honest about it. It’s hard for me. I want to believe, but every time I turn it seems there’s another secret.
Blair: That night at Constance, you gave me a choice. And now I’m giving you one. Either you find a way to trust me, or you let me go.
Louis: I could never let you go.
Jane: Look, your reputation reflects directly on me. And frankly this book leaves yours in tatters. So prove to me I made the right choice hiring you. I want this book and you’re going to get it for me. So whatever you did to Dan Humphrey, undo it, okay? You have a week.
View all quotes from Memoirs of an Invisible Dan
The Fasting and the Furious
Serena: Hey. Jane.
Jane: Did you lock up the film option for Dan’s book yet.
Serena: No, I just finished reading it unfortunately.
Jane: Need I remind you this is your chance to make up for blowing the Daniel Day Lewis deal.
Serena: No reminder necessary. I’m on it.
Cyrus Rose (Wallace Shawn): Ah, Princess Sophie! Beatrice. Welcome. So lovely to see you both again.
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin): We couldn’t be happier.
Princess Sophie: Cyrus. You are still a hugger, I hope.
Cyrus: Is a Northern spotted owl still a predator!
Cyrus: Well whatever it is, I’m just so thrilled that it’s happening on Yom Kippur. And I hope the two of you will stay to break the fast with us. As I recall you’re quite fond of smoked salmon.
Sophie: I am! And we would love to.
Sophie: Alors. La nouvelle?
Blair: We’re going to have a baby.
Eleanor: A baby?! You’re still in college!
Blair: Mother.
Cyrus: How wonderful!
Eleanor: Wonderful? It’s a— wonderful… surprise. What is the record for youngest grandmother on the Upper East Side? Cyrus, I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it to sundown without eating.
Sophie: I am thrilled without reservation! As long as the baby is born after you are married of course. The last thing this family needs is another bastard.
Blair: Thank you for keeping my secret.
Beatrice: What are sisters for.
Diana: And you had me believe crazy was just an act? I think you might be suicidal.
Charlie: What are you talking about?
Diana: You start work here under—shall we say—duress, and within five minutes there’s a catastrophic leak to my competitor.
Charlie: Diana, I swear it wasn’t me.
Diana: Since you lie like most people breathe, your oath means very little. Don’t forget, my biggest story is you.
Diana: If I were you I’d have left by now.
Alessandra: Public television is the last bastion of the intellectual. If this goes well, Charlie Rose could be next.
Dan: Oh, that’s a good tactic. Piling on the pressure right before your already-prone-to-nervous-rambling client goes on live television for the first time.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: It’s obvious that you’re deeply troubled and I would be more than happy to help if you were truly interested—in therapy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have Yom Kippur services.
Chuck: Oh. You’re Jewish.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: Not that that’s any of your business, but I converted.
Chuck: Well that’s probably a smart move in your line of work.
Jane: Why are you gossiping when a deal you’re running point on is falling apart on live television?
Serena: I’m sorry. This is Blair, my best friend. I figured maybe she could help.
Jane: This isn’t high school. This is my business. I told you not to embarrass me.
Jane: Maybe your good friend F. Scott Fitzjackass {ugh} had you nailed in the book. If something doesn’t fall right into your lap, Serena, you don’t have a clue how to work for it.
Cyrus: And furthermore it says that if you break any of these rules you face the possibility of losing custody of your child to the royal family.
Blair: What? Wait, that’s—
Louis: Outrageous.
Sophie: The clause stays. If you two cannot accept this, then I will not acknowledge the child as my heir. Nor will I acknowledge you.
Louis: You don’t have that right anymore. As the future reigning prince, it’s up to my child to acknowledge you.
Charlie: This is the mother lode. The biggest secrets of the Upper East Side. Even one of these would not only launch the web site but blow Diana’s mind.
Nate: And my ethics. These are my friends. Now that I’ve actually done this, I don’t know what I was thinking.
Dr. Eliza Barnes: You asked for my professional opinion and now you’re going to get it. You never had a childhood and now you behave like a child in the worst ways. You pay for intimacy so you’re always in control and no one can get close to you. Your superficial connections and lack of authentic emotion leave you isolated and alone. Not just tonight. Always. I wish you all the best, but you’re going to need more than that to live a happy and normal life.
Charlie: And thanks again for helping me do nothing.
Nate: Well it was fun breaking into the safe.
Eleanor: I have to confess that I may have been the one to put the idea of a contract in Beatrice’s head. I was just bragging about you and it didn’t matter where you lived. No one can keep you from being your own person. And that is part of why you will be a wonderful mother.
Blair: Thank you for saying that. I know this isn’t what you wanted for me. At least not yet.
Eleanor: These things happen when they happen. That’s the first lesson of being a parent. Children don’t do what you want them to do all the time, when you want them to do it. But you love them anyway.
View all quotes from The Fasting and the Furious
I Am Number Nine
Gossip Girl: They say the road of life is long and winding. So it’s important to mark the milestones along the way. from picking your bridesmaids—.
Dorota: So many minions. How are you ever going to decide?
Blair: Tryouts begin after breakfast.
Chuck: The dream starts the same every time.
Dr. Barnes: They have a habit of doing that.
Chuck: How can you be so sure I’m hiding something?
Dr. Barnes: Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel there’s a piece of the puzzle still missing. It’s not your mother or your father. It’s someone you’re not telling me about.
Louis: Why do I feel there’s a request coming?
Blair: Not a request. A special dispensation.
Louis: For what?
Dorota: Scheming and manipulating.
Blair: Who do you work for? Louis, can’t you just turn a blind eye for… let’s say twenty-four hours.
Louis: Blair—
Blair: All I’d be doing is spending the day with my former minions. Maybe some light water boarding involved.
Blair: Where’s Nelly Yuki?
Penelope: Yale. Where she got in and you didn’t. Plus she hates you, remember?
Dr. Barnes: What’s this?
Louis: The rest of what I owe you. I told you it’d be worth your while. Now you can settle all of your father’s debts.
Dr. Barnes: What do you want me to do?
Louis: Just make sure my fiancée will never ever fall for him again.
Dr. Barnes: Louis, that’s up to Blair.
Louis: No. It’s up to you. To turn Chuck back into the monster he was for the first twenty years of his life. He’s time bomb. Find his fuse and light it.
Dr. Barnes: You have to face that you didn’t let Blair go, you lost her. To someone else.
Chuck: You don’t know what I did. But yes, maybe there is something I need to do if I’m ever going to move on. I don’t want to lie to you, I don’t want to lie to myself. {he retrieves the Harry Winston engagement ring} If I’ve really let Blair go, I don’t need this anymore.
Dr. Barnes: It’s beautiful.
Chuck: I bought it to give to her. I’ve been keeping hold of it ever since. When really what I should do is just return it.
Jane: We’d love if you could open up the world of the Upper East Side a little bit more.
Natalie: Rich people are so hard to like. Maybe you could add someone more relatable.
Dan: I thought I did that already.
Serena: I think Dan is referring to his main character, Dylan Hunter. He’ll appeal to everyone. He starts off as an innocent from Brooklyn.
Jane: Who quotes Hawthorne and screens Fellini films? I don’t think so.
Jane: Another thought that occurred to me was to Glee this up. Music. Maybe originals. Or covers.
Blair: Dressing me for my wedding day means attending to my every need, no matter how big or small. Adjust for reception! Cinch that train! Penelope! She has to pee!
Dorota: Where secret wedding location?!
Penelope: We don’t know!
Dorota: Who designed Miss Blair dress?!
Jessica: We can’t tell you that!
Blair: Good one Jessica. Now block that baby bump!
Jane: Inside will be the next Social Network. We’re gonna Zuckerberg him.
Serena: Jane, this is unfair.
Jane: I prefer to let the audience decide what’s fair or not.
Serena: Dan is not like that. Why don’t I put a dinner on the books for all of us and this way you’ll see.
Jane: The next time I see Dan will be at Cannes when I’m shaking his grateful hand on the dais.
Louis: How was your day?
Blair: Just what I needed. Old habits die hard.
Louis: If they die at all.
Jane: Did you already tell him we got Sorkin to write movie?
Dan: What? No. That’s incredible.
Jane: I know. Now your character will talk even faster than you do.
Serena: I gave Dan my word that I would protect him. He’s one of my best friends. Please, don’t do this to him.
Jane: It’s already done. And you know what? I’m taking you off this project. Effective immediately. Like Dan you’re just too close to it.
Diana: Jane and I have history. She doesn’t always like to be reminded of it, but it’s been awhile since I did.
Serena: What kind of history?
Diana: Some things are best left to the imagination. So, how bad do you want your problem to go away?
Charlie: I’m starting to feel like I’m not Nate’s type.
Penelope: Hello. Nate doesn’t have a type. He’s like Derek Jeter.
Dan: I was hoping we could talk more about the movie.
Jane: What movie. It’s dead. If you want to know why, talk to your friend Serena.
Louis: The paternity test showed me that some part of you thought you might still have a choice to make, and I needed you to see that Chuck would always be the wrong one.
Blair: Louis, I don’t now how many more times I can say this, but Chuck and I can never work.
Louis: You know that for certain?
Blair: I do. So does he. And so should you. Chuck destroys everything and everybody in his life. And he’ll never change. But what’s scaring me is that you’re changing into him.
Nate: What, so you used me to get a story?
Charlie: The girl you’re seeing is your boss?
Dr. Barnes: I understand you’re angry. I don’t expect you to ever forgive me. I just thought you should know Louis wasn’t paying me for information alone. He wanted me to drive you into a rage. To turn you into this monster you apparently used to be. Louis is so threatened by you that he wanted to remind Blair—
Chuck: Why she chose him. Maybe Louis’ right.
Dr. Barnes: He doesn’t have to be. You can change.
Dr. Barnes: You chose to let go. Continue down that road and I’ll bet you find some peace.
Chuck: I’ve always wondered what that’s like.
Dr. Barnes: Good luck. And I’m sorry. I really did want to help.
Diana: Aren’t you tired of swimming in Gossip Girl’s fishbowl?
Serena: Well I’d have to do it my own way.
Diana: I’d expect nothing less.
Diana: I’d hate to run a story tomorrow about a poor girl from Florida who Clark Rockefeller’d the Upper East Side.
View all quotes from I Am Number Nine
The Big Sleep No More
Dorota: Uh oh. Mr. Chuck in dream again.
Blair: When Chuck’s in them they’re all nightmares.
Dorota: What he do now?
Blair: Behave like a perfect gentleman. Which makes him even more chilling. That fake apology of his has permeated my subconscious and haunts me even when I sleep.
Dorota: Apology not seem so fake to me.
Blair: That’s because English is your second language!
Blair: Grab the bread. Not even Chuck’s media mind games could disrupt the calm I feel off feeding the ducks. Besides, you could use the exercise.
Dorota: I’m pregnant too, remember?
Charlie: Maybe it’s none of my business but it seems that if you want people to read you then you need people to read about you first. Get Gossip Girl’s attention. Even a date would do it. Then steal her thunder by telling the real story on your blog.
Serena: You know you may be an evil genius.
Charlie: When I want to be.
Charlie: You have a girlfriend.
Nate: Who schedules time with me as if it were a board meeting.
Charlie: And who is my boss.
Nate: Well maybe I want something more.
Diana: Charlie! My office.
Charlie: If you want more, ask for it. And do us both a favor and ask her, not me.
Blair: How much more do you need to see?
Dorota: Of duck pond? Not really my thing to begin with.
Diana: I need to start a war between Serena and Gossip Girl. Stay on her and let me know what happens.
Charlie: Of course. {she goes to leave}
Diana: Oh. Regarding Nate. I thought I told you to keep your distance.
Charlie: Unless you want to get me fired, you need to stop talking to me.
Max: So when girls like you say lunch they really mean clothes?
Diana: Are you purposefully trying to make a fool of me?
Charlie: I told you, it was an emergency.
Diana: To hide from Max, your mysteriously reappeared ex. And do you think it seems a tad convenient that the only way to do that was to snog Nate?
Charlie: Look I don’t know why Max is here. But if he finds me I could lose everything.
Dorota: You really think pillows under covers trick me? You lumpier now!
Diana: This is exactly why we need to work together on your blog. So Gossip Girl loses her power.
Serena: Or I just develop a thicker skin.
Max: I’m not going to drop everything because you tell me to, Ivy. You walked out on me.
Gossip Girl: We all wear different masks for different reasons.
Diana: Nate, you matter to me. A lot. I was just trying to be cool. You know that’s my thing. Although I’m beginning to see I may need a new thing. From now on, equals.
Nate: Just us. Together. Seeing what happens.
Diana: Everything’s set.
William Archibald: Good. Very good.
Diana: You should never have doubted me.
William Archibald: You’ve done a fine job rehabilitating my grandson’s image. He’s right where I need him to be.
Diana: And Serena’s right where we need her too. Always a pleasure working with you, William.
View all quotes from The Big Sleep No More
All the Pretty Sources
Louis: I know I said some stupid things before I left, but I’ve come back a better man. I promise you.
Blair: I believe you. And I’m glad because I need you to be your best Prince Charming at our shower tonight.
Louis: I’ve done some thinking while I was gone, and I’m starting to wonder if your friends really have your best interest at heart.
Carol: Listen to me, you can’t go anywhere. If you disappear, Cece could cut off my trust for good.
Charlie: I’m sorry, but that’s your problem.
Carol: Actually, it’s your problem because if the money stops then I have nothing to lose.
Gossip Girl: This just in: we hear Blair took a paternity test to find out which daddy makes three.
Louis: This is exactly the type of thing I’m talking about.
Blair: You think someone I know sent that?
Louis: Your friends know no loyalty. Each one rats out the next. And you and I get sucked right into it.
Blair: My friends and I have grown up. We’re not like that anymore. Whoever sent that is clearly from your bloodline. namely your sister, Beatrice.
William van der Bilt: I woke up this morning to find a big picture of you in the New Yorker. With Nate in the corner as the “man by your side”. It’s supposed to be the other way around, remember?
Diana: Sorry. I don’t control every publication in New York.
William van der Bilt: My goal was to remake Nate, not to make you a star. It’s time for you to step aside. Give him the Spectator.
Penelope: Actually Serena’s been so slammed with work and her blog, she hasn’t had time to plan anything elaborate. So it’s going to be a rather intimate affair.
Blair: Intimate?
Penelope: Mm hm.
Blair: Okay.
Jessica: Yes. Dress casual.
Um, I think the line from the evite was “Jeans okay.”
Blair: Casual. Jeans. Evite?
Charlie: My feelings haven’t changed. And now that I know why you did what you did, maybe we can give our relationship another chance.
Max: Max, the truth is after all this lying I just need some time alone to figure out my real self. You know what I mean?
Charlie: Not really, no.
Diana: Why don’t we just see how many of your friends you’ve betrayed over the years. {No posts found} You’ve never sent anything into her?
Nate: Guess not. It’s just not who I am.
Charlie: Isn’t it a little mean that you and all of Blair’s friends are messing with her about tonight?
Lily: Well it might be the only event in Blair’s life where she’s not in control.
Diana: I called you here because I saw a side of your grandson today I hadn’t fully seen before.
William van der Bilt: Here I was pretty sure that you’d seen every side of him at this point.
William van der Bilt: Diana, I think I’d like to invest after all. With one condition. Your resignation letter goes to the board with my check.
Diana: I suppose that is what’s best for the Spectator. And everyone else. I’ll start gathering my things.
Blair: It was you who posted that page, wasn’t it?
Louis: I was trying to show you what your friends are really like. Once and for all.
Blair: You could have shown me at home. You wanted this to happen. It was more important to prove your point than our own shower.
Blair: Do you see what we keep doing here? All the fights and accusations? It isn’t my friends, it’s us. I thought we were better people than this. The only ones caught in a cycle are us.
Louis: A cycle created by your friends in New York.
Blair: I can’t do this anymore.
William van der Bilt: You should be thankful you’re getting out now before anyone discovered your secret.
Diana: Remember one thing, William. If they find out about me, they find out about you too.
View all quotes from All the Pretty Sources
Rhodes to Perdition
Charlie: I’ve never seen so much lamé before. Grandma actually wore this?
Lily: Yes. And looked fabulous riding in on an elephant in it. Which is why the Studio 54 anniversary party is in her honor. And Bianca Jagger’s, but we won’t mention that to her when she arrives.
Cece Rhodes: Bianca was a striver. She could never outshine me no matter how little she wore.
Max (Brian J. Smith): Why would you trust an anonymous baker when you have a master chef in your midst? You could be my sous for the afternoon.
Serena: Could we cover ourselves in flour and lick spoons and do other cute things?
Max: That’s a prerequisite.
Blair: Why should I thank someone for a blender? Do I look like the kind of girl who makes margaritas?
Dorota: Oh, margaritas sound delicious. But six months away at least.
Blair: I still love Louis. I just want to marry the sweet Prince who returned my Vivier slipper and made me believe in fairytales, not one of the Brothers Grimm.
Dorota: Even Prince Charming can fall off horse.
Blair: I need this time to figure out what went wrong with Louis and right it.
Dorota: Maybe he Freaky Friday with Mr. Chuck. They struck by lightning at the same time or pee in the same fountain.
Blair: That’s incredibly unsanitary.
Carol: Hi. We have a problem.
Charlie: Well add this one to the list. Max is dating Serena. If you don’t want me to leave or get caught we have to pay him off immediately.
Carol: Except we don’t have the money. I just came from the bank. Turns out my mother’s added a security measure to the account—probably to punish me. Any withdrawal over fifty thousand dollars requires her signature.
Nate: Listen, I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
Tripp: Yeah, I doubt that. I’m sorry you’re enjoying every second of this.
Nate: I know our history isn’t exactly pristine, Tripp, but we’re still family.
Doctor: Are you saying that you want your fiance to be more like Chuck?
Blair: No! More like the man Chuck’s become. Like Louis used to be when Chuck was like Louis is now.
Doctor: If you don’t mind my saying so, you seem confused.
Alessandra: If it makes you feel better, there’s a Twitter called HumphreyLove too.
Dan: That’s me.
Alessandra: Sorry. I should have recognized your scalpel-sharp deprecation.
Dan: I have over a thousand followers.
Alessandra: Let’s hope they bought books.
William van der Bilt: I understand you’re upset by Maureen’s manipulations, but Tripp was completely in the dark about her antics with that river rescue. I’m sure this is the same now. This isn’t a story, it’s a family squabble. That could cost your cousin his career.
Nate: I’ll do the right thing, don’t worry.
Lily: Rufus and I have a small gift for you.
Rufus: Opening night, I tracked it down for you.
Cece: How surprisingly thoughtful. If I had any memory of that night I’m sure it would be fond.
Carol: You’re a better actress than I thought. You got more out of her in three minutes than I have in forty-five years.
Charlie: I was just kind to her. You should try it.
Serena: I see you two have found each other. No need for introductions, right Max. And Ivy.
Charlie: Serena, this isn’t what it looks like.
Serena: Oh, so you two didn’t used to date?
Charlie: We did.
Serena: And you didn’t pretend like you’ve never met?
Max: We did.
Serena: And you didn’t try to convince me not to see him again because he may still be hung up on his ex, Ivy?
Charlie: I know what’s wrong.
Cece: Yeah, you keep this apartment excessively warm.
Charlie: Just tell them, Grandma. She’s been dieting to fit into her jumpsuit. A few martinis and glasses of champagne on an empty stomach and anyone would pass out.
Nate: I told you I’d do the right thing. I’m sorry if we have different versions of what that is.
William van der Bilt: I’m not here to reprimand you. You remind me of myself when I was my age.
Nate: Wait, you’re not angry that I alluded to Maureen?
William van der Bilt: You’re your own man, Nathaniel. I always loved you, but now I respect you too.
Cece: Enough! This is my granddaughter Charlie Rhodes. I was there the day she was born, she is my family. I don’t need any proof. I know it in my bones.
Serena: You should go before we call the police.
Max: Just remember, I warned all of you.
Cece: Thank you for your discretion earlier.
Charlie: No problem. But you know if you’re really sick, I think you should tell the family. They might care more than you think.
Cece: Perhaps. But I appreciate you protecting my secret. We all have them. It’s a Rhodes family tradition.
Dorota: Miss Blair, if you finally find key to bring Mr. Louis back to the castle why you not look like perky self?
Carol: Looks like we’re finally in the clear. You can leave anytime you want.
Charlie: Would it be okay with you if I stay?
Carol: You have enough money. You could set yourself up anywhere in the world.
Charlie: It’s not about the money for me. In fact, you can have all of it.
Carol: Then what do you want?
Charlie: Family.
Carol: If they ever found out the truth about the real Charlotte Rhodes, they would never forgive me. This way we both get to keep our family.
Charlie: What do you want?
Max: My life back. The move to Los Angeles, the job I gave up at Boulud, the two years I spent believing you and loving you when all you did was lie and cheat so you could have some fancy life that isn’t yours. You better watch your back. Because I am not leaving town until I get what I deserve.
Charlie: Good luck with that. No one can touch me anymore. I’m a Rhodes now.
View all quotes from Rhodes to Perdition
Riding in Town Cars with Boys
Charlie: It’s way too generous. Especially after everything I put you guys through with Max.
Lily: Oh please. That was not your fault. That young man had a lot of problems.
Dan: Hm. No wonder Serena was so into him.
Dorota: The same thing happening to me. Pregnancy makes fingers swell up like kielbasas.
Blair: Well the paparazzi aren’t camped out downstairs to find out if your wedding is called off. If they see me without my ring they’ll think it means something.
Dorota: I start to think maybe it does.
Nate: My grandfather just admitted to me that the only reason I have this job is because he bought the Spectator. Here I was, thinking I was doing great work and so proud of it, now I just feel like a total fraud.
Charlie: It doesn’t matter how you got here, Nate.
Louis: What are you doing here?
Chuck: Apparently the same as you. The Prince and the Pill-popper. This should be fun.
Gossip Girl: Sorry, boys. But didn’t you know that if you wait to long to seize the day—
Chuck: Gone.
Louis: Where would she go?
Gossip Girl: The one you want could get away.
Max (Brian J. Smith): No actress wants to play the same role their entire life.
Charlie: This is more than just a role. This is my life now and these people are my family.
Max: How can their love be real when you’re a total fake.
Charlie: This is all my fault.
Rufus: Of course it’s not. What are you talking about?
Charlie: I sent the Gossip Girl blast.
Jack Bass: There’s been an accident.
Diana: How bad?
Jack Bass: You know I wouldn’t take a risk like this if it wasn’t serious. Of had no choice.
Diana: Okay, Jack. I’ll get on the next plane. You’ll meet us there?
Jack Bass: Of course. Thank you, Diana.
Diana: It’s not me you should thank.
View all quotes from Riding in Town Cars with Boys
The End of the Affair?
Chuck: Louis. What are you doing out here in the rain?
Louis: I hadn’t noticed.
Chuck: I hadn’t realized you and Blair had returned from Europe already.
Louis: We’ve been back for three weeks. I’m surprised you didn’t know.
Chuck: One of the downsides of not having Gossip Girl these last few months. Any information would have to come from Blair speaking to me directly, which she hasn’t.
Louis: She’s been busy.
Chuck: I’m very sorry she lost the baby. Is she alright?
Louis: She seems to be. She spends all hours planning the wedding.
Louis: At least you’ve fully recovered from the accident.
Chuck: Physically.
Chuck: Blair said to tell you she’s gone to pick out china patterns.
Louis: At this hour?
Chuck: I’m sure it’s just her excuse to avoid me.
Louis: I wish that were true. these excursions have become quite regular.
Louis: I’m thinking of hiring a detective. I need to know the woman I’m about to marry isn’t having an affair.
Chuck: Well we’re both here so who else can she possibly be cheating with?
Blair: Please God. You have my baby. You can’t take Chuck too. If you exist, let him live. I’ll do anything. I promise I’ll keep my vow to marry Louis. And never be with him again.
Nurse: Blair Waldorf? Chuck Bass is asking for you.
Louis: I owe you an apology. I know I promised to trust you, but I had a small lapse.
Blair: Oh, ah, none of us is perfect. We don’t even need to speak of it.
Louis: I do.
Louis: Blair, please. After the accident you told me you’d never leave me. Now you feel further away from ever.
Greg: Those photographers got really close to the car, but the bigger problem was that my brakes felt like they had no pressure.
Louis: You’re not getting cold feet, are you?
Blair: No. I’ve never been more sure of any decision in my entire life.
View all quotes from The End of the Affair?
Father and the Bride
Blair: Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I… pressed the close button on an elevator door when I saw a woman running to catch it.
Father Cavalia: Why did you do that?
Blair: It was a long ride down to the lobby and she was wearing too much perfume. Diddy called it Unforgivable for a reason.
Simon/Schuster Guy: Your fans are crying out for a sequel to Inside. Frankly, so’s your publisher.
Dan: Yeah, I mean I don’t know who’s interested in hearing that story anymore.
Simon/Schuster Guy: Well your girlfriend Serena’s article about you two went up less than an hour ago and there are already over a thousand comments.
Dan: Um. Yeah, I was really hoping to stretch on this one.
Simon/Schuster Guy2: Then take a yoga class.
Simon/Schuster Guy: Write about what you know. And keep on dating Serena. At least until the next book comes out. It’s great press.
Chuck: What is your angle?
Father Cavalia: This is what’s known as divine intervention, M. Bass. I’d accept it if I were you.
William van der Bilt: I think we’ve heard enough. Thank you, Nate.
Nate: Oh, don’t thank me, thank Serena. It was her idea.
Tripp: What the hell’s going on?
Nate: Well we knew you wouldn’t admit to anything so Serena and I staged that little argument on Gossip Girl. We figured you’d try to pin the accident on someone else just like you did two years ago when you left Serena in that car.
Serena: Did you really think I’d talk to you again? Never mind take your side against Nate’s.
William van der Bilt: You were really going to try and pin this on Maureen?
Nate: I’m not pinning anything. It was Maureen.
Goth Chick: Hey Bride, you got a match?
Blair: Two. And that’s the problem.
William van der Bilt: That’s it? That’s your answer? Not enough love?
William van der Bilt: You can’t possibly blame me for what happened?
Nate: You pitted us against each other our entire lives. Everything is a competition and the prize is your approval. It’s the great Van der Bilt tradition.
William van der Bilt: Well I’m sorry that you feel that way about your own family. And might I remind you that Diana Payne would never have given you that job at the Spectator if I hadn’t paid her to. You really think you can make it on your own?
Nate: I don’t know. But it’s the only way it’ll mean anything.
Princess Beatrice: The plan is finished. It’s over. And so are we.
Father Cavalia: Beatrice, wait—
Princess Beatrice: I don’t want to play these games, to hurt people. I only want you but you’re never going to leave the church for me. We both know it. I’m just the only one brave enough to say it out loud.
Beatrice: You may be able to get rid of me, but you won’t be able to stop the wedding.
Father Cavalia: Which is why I found someone far better equipped to assist me in my cause.
Thank you for writing my vows. It’ll be our secret. —Louis
Chuck: I have no time for niceties. Just tell me what you know.
Father Cavalia: I know what is in Blair Waldorf’s heart. And if you don’t want this wedding to happen, together we can make sure it doesn’t.
Chuck: She already thinks I’m a villain. I may as well become one.
View all quotes from Father and the Bride
[/nextpage][nextpage title=”page 2″]
G.G.
Louis: You don’t have to worry anymore because the brand new positive image of the Monaco royal family is intact.
Princess Sophia: And Blair is transformed into the most advantageous partner. The press took to her in the wake of the unfortunate incident. I couldn’t have hoped for a more perfect arrangement.
Louis: I can’t believe you’re talking this way on the day of my wedding. My relationship with Blair is not a business deal.
Princess Sophia: But all relationships are business. Sometimes if you are lucky you have love and that is a bonus. Let us hope that you stay lucky.
Harold Waldorf (John Shea): It’s been a long time since we danced.
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin): I’m game if you are. As long as you don’t show me up like the last time.
Cyrus Rose (Wallace Shawn): Hey, she’s here! The Princess Bride!
Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg): The bitch got me remanded to rehab, banished from Bible camp and abandoned in Belarus all for her own enjoyment.
Eleanor: I know I said once that you would never be as pretty as when you were young, but you get prettier every day.
Chuck: Mrs. Waldorf, what are you—
Eleanor: —am I doing here. I’ve been asking myself the same question the whole ride over. Do you have something to drink?
Chuck: Of course. Sparkling or still?
Eleanor: Scotch. {she downs his drink}
Eleanor: I don’t want my daughter to have to wait for a second chance to be happy. She should be happy the first time around.
Chuck: What are you saying?
Eleanor: All day long I have had this feeling that I had forgotten something and then I realized what it was. You. So. Are you coming to stop this thing or what?
Lily: When Rufus said he saw you I knew it must be true.
Rufus: Crashing one wedding wasn’t enough for you?
Georgina: I didn’t crash, I was invited. My invitation just got lost in the mail. I do live in Brooklyn now, after all. I mean it’s practically the Falklands.
Cyrus: Blair, my little turtledove. What’s the emergency?
Blair: I need another escort.
Cyrus: What’s going on? You have an escort—your father.
Blair: Oh Cyrus. One escort is not enough. I need both of you to walk me down the aisle.
Serena: You expect us to believe you were just an innocent bystander?
Georgina: I never said I was innocent. I just like to watch. And while I love our annual showdowns as much as anybody, if you’re looking for someone to blame for what just happened you’ve got the wrong girl.
Serena: Come on, Georgina.
Georgina: Sure I made the video Gossip Girl played, but I didn’t send it in. I left my camera with Chuck thinking he’d show the Prince and they’d have a duel at dawn for what’s left of Blair’s virtue. Or maybe some royal fisticuffs. Whatever those are.
Blair: Thank you for giving me another chance. Louis, the champagne hasn’t gone to my head. I’m too high for it to reach me. We’ve made it. Finally.
Louis: So we did.
Blair: What is it, mon chere? Did I miss a step?
Louis: I promised my mother I’d wait until we were on the plane, but I can’t any longer.
Blair: Wait for what?
Louis: Today, with the eyes of the world on us, I had no choice but to stand by your side after your public apology. But that was it. From this moment forward there is nothing between us but a contract. Our marriage is all for show. And you’re going to put on the best damn show anyone has.
Blair: But what about everything we’ve been through? All those beautiful vows you said in front of God and everyone. Those can’t just have stopped being true.
Louis: I didn’t write them. Dan did. And now they mean nothing to me.
Blair: But why, why would you want to be married to someone you didn’t love?
Louis: My mother told me love had nothing to do with marriage. Now I know she was right.
The Backup Dan
Eleanor: Serena, Blair seems happy, doesn’t she? With Louis?
Serena: Of course. I mean she loves Louis. She’s a Princess now so, you know, as soon as that soaks in she’ll be beyond happy.
Lola Rhodes: You must be pretty desperate to flirt with me by doing manual labor.
Nate: What? This isn’t flirting. I’ve always wanted to load a catering van. One more thing to cross off my bucket list.
Lola: Wait, the Princess is a runaway bride and you’re going to go look for her? I’m in.
Princess Sophia: Maybe you should tell me what is going on.
Louis: I was so angry I couldn’t wait.
Princess Sophia: What did you tell her?
Louis: Everything we discussed. That after humiliating me she would be my wife in name only.
Princess Sophia: What were you thinking? The press is outside awaiting your departure. There are hundreds of guests here. This is why I told you to wait. Blair needed to be by your side this instant.
Chuck: What have you done with Blair?
Georgina: Nothing. Except tell the dumbest member of your security team that I was her.
Serena: Dan said Blair left with Louis. Maybe we’re overreacting.
Georgina: You’re not. Dan’s lying. He’s gotten pretty good at it too.
Princess Sophia: I will not stand for the humiliation of my son being left on his wedding day. If you can not get Blair to return, then you will be required to fulfill the dowry that we so generously waived.
Eleanor: First of all, I thought my daughter was with your son. And as for the dowry, it was waived because it’s antiquated and outrageous. You cannot force us to pay it.
Princess Sophia: It’s all in the prenuptial agreement. If she defaults on the marriage, the dowry can be reinstated.
Dorota: Mr. Chuck! I was only trying them on! I was so bored locked inside. But thankfully Miss Georgina a mother and she not leave me without snacks.
Serena: Oh my god, Blair wants a divorce.
Dorota: That is my hope. Before I was locked in closet, Mr. Louis was calling and calling. He said he want to find Miss Blair and get her help she needs. Which in romance novels means locking her forever in tall tower.
Georgina: My work here is done. And documented.
Georgina: Since Gossip Girl abandoned her post after Blair’s accident, it’s been my civic duty to step in and continue her work. It’s a dirty job but someone’s gotta do it. The world needs Gossip Girl.
View all quotes from The Backup Dan
Crazy, Cupid, Love
Dorota: Miss Blair! You’re back! I was worried you’d be locked away in big stone tower somewhere, and only way to speak is through smoke signals or coded messages on Twitter.
Blair: Thankfully, Dorota, we don’t need to learn Navajo just yet.
Georgina: What am I going to do? Under my stewardship Gossip Girl is but a shell of her former self. Like AOL or Courtney Love. The only way to remedy this is with a scandal to end all scandals.
Phillip: You have a scandal. Dan Humphrey’s the one who sent you that video of Chuck and Blair at Blair’s wedding. And with that to hold over his head you could get Dan to do almost anything.
Georgina: Philip, it’s cute when you pay attention. But if I’m going to load up Dan like a hirsute hand grenade I need everyone to be there when he detonates.
Charlie: I can’t believe Blair went through with her marriage to Louis. I really thought she was going to end up with Chuck.
Rufus: Yeah, between us I think she may have wanted to. Let’s just say, while love is a very complicated thing, so are pre-nups.
Blair: Step one is accomplished. The thaw has begun.
Dorota: A beautiful Polish spring.
Blair: There’s no way I can bring a royal minder to my ex’s apartment. Looks like you’ll just have to wear a school uniform and play Cupid in my place.
Dorota: Oh no. This is very bad plan.
Georgina: It says here if Blair defaults on the marriage in any way, the Waldorf family will owe the royals so much money they’ll be bankrupt.
Phillip: And this helps us how?
Georgina: We’re going to show the world what Blair really thinks of her vows. And we’ll use Dan to do it.
Lola: Ivy! Ivy! It’s Charlie Rhodes. From Florida. We took that acting class together.
Charlie: Ah… yeah. Charlotte.
Lola: Hi.
Charlie: It’s good to see you. What are you doing here?
Lola: I was about to ask you that same question.
Dan: Georgina. You’re Gossip Girl?
Georgina: What? No. That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.
Georgina: I have something I’d like you to see. {she shows him the kiss photo}. And in your bedroom no less. Has she no decency? Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day.
Charlie: How is she doing? Is she okay?
Nurse: I’m worried there isn’t much time left.
View all quotes from Crazy, Cupid, Love
Despicable B
Ivy: Tell me Lily, how much exactly did you pay that nurse to lie for you? Because I have done nothing but love and care for Cece.
Nate: I think you dialed the wrong number. Obviously you meant to call your son and not me.
Diana: I know the news of me being Chuck’s mother must have come as rather a big surprise to you.
Nate: You think?
Diana: But it doesn’t have to ruin anything between us.
Nate: Except for the small fact that every time I look at you now I see a Bass in my face.
Dorota: You sure you want to read, Miss Blair? There are some bad things about friends in there.
Blair: Don’t you know me at all? I love reading bad things about my friends. It’s the only thing that makes me feel better about myself.
Blair: He’s high brow and I’m low brow for being married for less time than Kim Kardashian? I was so wrong, Dorota. All is not right in the universe. The universe is totally upended and we must right it immediately.
Dorota: And how you plan to do that?
Blair: I must become as high brow as Dan. This instant!
Gossip Girl: I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. But sometimes, the problem with fathers?
William: Sorry about that. Now, where were we?
Lola: I think you were about to tell me how you found out that you were my dad.
Gossip Girl: Is that they can be real sons of bitches.
Dan: Who was that guy?
Dorota: Some representative from FIT. More like similar word, but spelled S—
Blair: It doesn’t matter. How was the meeting with your publicist?
Dan: They just wanted to see me in person so they could tell me I’m one of the five people nominated for the New York Public Library’s 2012 Young Lions Fiction Award.
Nate: What’d you find out?
Andrew: That the first record of our Diana Payne was three years ago. Before that it’s like she didn’t exist.
Nate: So if Diana Payne’s not her real name, how do we ever find out her story?
Blair: How do I look?
Dorota: Suspicious. You heard Mr. Humphrey. Why are you dressed so fancy for casual book party?
Blair: I guess the opera gloves may be a bit much.
Dorota: I smell a scheme when I see one.
Lola: You realize this isn’t just hurting my mom, it’s hurting me too.
Lily: Your mother deserves to be punished. She defrauded all of us and we should have done this months ago.
Lola: You know—
Carol: Don’t listen to her, Lola. This has nothing to do with fraud. This is all because I slept with her husband two decades ago. But here’s the thing, Lily. I never would have been with William in the first place if he were happy with you.
William: I’m sorry for not being truthful with you today. And for cheating on your mother all those years ago.
Serena: That’s between you and mom. But you lied to me today to protect Lola. You left me when I was four years old, and when I tracked you down you wouldn’t even see me. All I ever wanted my whole life was a father and all you ever did was avoid me. And now when you find out about Lola you just rush to be by her side. Well you broke my mom’s heart. And now you just broke mine.
View all quotes from Despicable B
Raiders of the Lost Art
Dorota: Miss Serena, all you do all day is type type type. You take laptop with you everywhere. It not healthy.
Serena: Well after last week’s family meltdown, this laptop is the only thing keeping me sane. Writing is my new outlet. You should be happy for me.
Dorota: If you say so. But Vanya say same thing about Warcraft and then DSL bill comes.
Diana: Yes, of course everything’s set for tonight. There is nothing to worry about.
Jack: I hope that’s not overconfidence I hear in your voice. I don’t need to remind you how sensitive an operation this is. If anyone finds out—
Diana: Jack, they won’t. Chuck and everybody else thinks I’m his bloody mother. They are off the scent completely.
Lola: I’m just glad you finally believe me about Serena acting as Gossip Girl.
Nate: And I apologize again for ever having doubted you.
Lola: And for calling me a fame-whoring social climber?
Nate: Yeah. That too.
Lola: So what’s the plan? We can’t let Serena stay Gossip Girl.
Nate: Trust me, I know. It’s not good for anybody. Especially Serena.
Diana: Think about it, Serena. You can use this number to track down the real Gossip Girl. I bet you can blackmail into letting you keep the site. She’ll quit before she’ll risk ever being exposed. And you can stay Gossip Girl forever.
Serena: Why would you help me?
Lola: You ever heard the expression, “The devil you know”?
Serena: This isn’t my first rodeo.
Lola: No but it’s mine. And it’s awesome.
Chuck: Jack.
Jack Bass: Hello Chuck.
Jack: Chuck, I’d love to chat but I’m late for something very important.
Chuck: You’re not going anywhere until I get some answers.
Jack: Unfortunately it’s fairly time sensitive so if you could please get out of the way.
Chuck: Diana Payne isn’t my mother.
Jack: Sure she is.
Chuck: Admit it. You’re the one that’s been behind the lies all these years.
Jack: Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?
Chuck: Tell the truth Jack. For once in your life, it’s time.
Chuck: Are you my father? Answer me.
Jack: Are you sure you really want to know.
Blair: What just happened? What did you tell him?
Jack: Tell him what?
Blair: What you’re really hiding here.
Jack: Whatever you saw or you think you saw, you can’t tell Chuck.
Blair: Of course I’m going to tell him. He has a right to know. And there’s nothing you can do that will make me change my mind!
Jack: This isn’t about me. Do you realize how many people get hurt if this gets out? You need to go. You’ve already complicated things enough by being here. This whole thing was supposed to go off without a hitch. You better hope it still does.
Serena: My computer’s gone.
Lola: Gossip Girl. She took it.
Serena: What? How do you know that?
Nate: Because we set you up.
Diana: Shouldn’t the boat be here by now?
Jack: I’m sure they just got delayed. They’ll be here soon. By the way the fake raid was a great diversion.
Diana: Once I saw Chuck was here I knew I had to get him out as quickly as possible.
Jack: Well it worked.
Diana: Yeah. When we’re done here tonight we need to discuss a renegotiation of my fee. It just doubled.
Jack: That’s a lot of cash.
Diana: Silence is expensive. You know that.
Jack: Hm. Once the boat gets here and safely departs, you’ll be taken care of. Don’t worry.
Chuck: Dad?
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Oh my god.
View all quotes from Raiders of the Lost Art
The Fugitives
Chuck: So the car accident was real?
Bart: I was lucky to survive it. But it wasn’t an accident. I’d been threatened.
Chuck: By who?
Bart: A very powerful competitor of mine. I had information on some transactions of his that could have put him away for a very long time. But his threats didn’t work.
Chuck: They had someone ram your limo with a truck? Dad, You could have gone to the police. You didn’t have to—
Bart: Yes, I did. He’d made it quite clear that both you and Lily were fair game. Once I realized his threats weren’t empty, the only way out was to make him think he’d already one. Once I got to the hospital tonight I figured that would be my best chance.
Chuck: So what, you just paid some doctors to switch off the machines? Hope Lily was crying so much that she wouldn’t notice you were actually still breathing? What did we bury in that coffin?
Bart: Charles, I am here with you now, trying to explain.
Nate: I want you out of here. Today.
Diana: After all the fun we’ve had together?
Nate: What would people think if they knew about your side business?
Diana: Is that a threat? Because I am your main financial backer and we did sleep together. Sometimes right here in these very offices. So exposing me would only embarrass The Spectator. And you.
Nate: Then I’ll find another way.
Chuck: There’s so much I want to know. I guess now we have time. You can tell me everything.
Bart: Unfortunately I’m afraid our time is up. If the man I’m hiding from were to discover I’m still alive he’d try and kill me again. Or go after you.
Chuck: Let’s go after him.
Bart: All you need to know is that as long as I’m still around we’re still in danger.
Diana: I don’t suppose you came here to thank me.
Chuck: Thank you for what? Not telling me my father was alive, pretending to be my mother, or screwing my best friend?
Diana: You mean for keeping your father alive. Pretending to be your mother to protect him and, well, I don’t expect you to thank me for Nate. Perhaps I should thank you for that one.
Chuck: Look, I’m not here to hug it out or bond over my father’s resurrection. I just need your help in keeping him here.
Diana: I’m afraid that’s not possible.
Chuck: I’m afraid it is. You’ve been helping him hide. I think you know who from. Who tried to kill my father? I know it was one of his competitors, someone powerful enough to scare him into hiding these last few years. I just want a name.
Diana: Does your father know you’re here?
Chuck: If you really want to help him, help me put an end to this.
Diana: If I do agree—and only if—you can never say who told you. And I need something else from you. It’s not a small request.
Chuck: What have you done?
Serena: Okay, someone has to tell me what’s going on here.
Nate: We couldn’t let her get away without any consequences. She’s done nothing but deceive all of us, including you. It just wasn’t right.
Lola: Yeah, we’re sorry we messed up your deal but this was beyond business. It was personal.
Chuck: You have no idea how personal. I made that deal with her so she would help get my father out of hiding.
Serena: Your father. You mean Jack.
Chuck: Bart. He’s alive.
Ivy: I’ll do whatever it takes to help. I’d love to get back in the gang.
Blair: But just to clarify. In order to be back in the gang, you would have had to be in the gang to begin with.
Ivy: How do you know this will work?
Blair: Do you think this is the first time I’ve entrapped someone with prostitutes?
Diana: Nate I can’t go back to my old life. And I stand no chance of starting a new one with my name in the headlines. Must you keep me here to humiliate me on top of all that?
Bart: Makes me think I did something right raising you.
Chuck: I think we both know you didn’t raise me. You were too busy with inappropriate transient women to teach me any viable life lessons. Except those about inappropriate transient women.
View all quotes from The Fugitives
The Return of the Ring
Chuck: I take it you’ve decided to have Lola move in for the summer.
Nate: She sleeps here every night, I want to see her every day. I figure why not.
Chuck: This place could use a woman’s touch.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Couldn’t we all.
Blair: Dorota! We need to find every damning thing I ever wrote. So we can be proactive about damage control.
Dorota: Every damning thing since grade school is a lot of damning.
Lola: I got a job as a swing in the touring company of Wicked.
Nate: Swing. What’s that? Like a tart or a prop?
Lola: It’s like an understudy but for a lot of characters. Not exactly my dream but with my mom in jail it solves my housing problem.
Eleanor: Blair. Darling. Why is Dorota carrying your life history?
Blair: Suffice it to say that I apologize in advance if any of your meetings today are negatively affected by the publication of my intimate musings.
Eleanor: “My mother considers herself the arbiter of Parisian style, but the only French she’s intimate with are fries.” Wow. The reflections of an overprivileged and unattended thirteen-year-old have no bearing on the business I’m in town for.
Dorota: Pages with foot in mouth already marked from K to six.
Penelope: Why should we help you when you called us “back of house”?
Jessica: That was you. She says my hair’s as thick as Jessica Simpson’s.
Kati: That says “head.”
Bart: Deceiving you was the only way to keep you and Chuck safe.
Lily: If I had known maybe we could have done things differently.
Bart: You mean you would have come with me? Please. You were getting ready to leave me for Rufus.
Lily: I’m sorry for that. I should have had more respect for our marriage. What about Charles? I mean his thinking you were dead was hell for him.
Bart: He got through it though. With your help. He told me about the adoption, Lily. I owe you everything for that.
Lily: Charles is family. And even with you back he’s mine too.
Bart: Rufus. You’re looking well. I see your transition from Brooklyn to the big time has done you wonders.
Rufus: I’m not here for small talk. I just need you to sign these annulment papers.
Bart: So. Lily has chosen to end our marriage in order to save yours.
Rufus: She made her choice three years ago when she decided to leave you for me. Nothing’s changed since then.
Bart: Maybe I have. All that time in hiding made me realize what’s really important.
Rufus: What does that mean exactly?
Bart: If Lily’s happiness depends on my signature on these, you will have them by the end of the day.
Carol: Well it’s about time William gave you my money. I was starting to worry he’d made some secret alliance with Lily.
Lola: I guess it just took awhile to arrange everything.
Lola: Go move in with Nate. Don’t turn your back on the life that I almost screwed up for you.
Bart: I am proud of you, son. Lily told me you stepped up but I had no idea how much you’d accomplished.
Chuck: Thank you. How was seeing Lily after all this time?
Bart: I never dealt with such a formidable woman. Made me regret not treating her better.
Chuck: They require dedication.
Bart: I assume you’re talking about Blair Waldorf. But you two aren’t back together?
Chuck: I made a lot of mistakes after you left. I lost my temper. I lost myself. When I finally realized what I’d done and I had the ring to propose it was too late.
Bart: No one does a grand romantic gesture better than a Bass.
Chuck: You didn’t need to buy me a gift.
Bart: Actually you bought it. I was in Harry Winston picking up an apology trinket for Lily. Helene told me it was in the vault. I thought you might want it back.
Chuck: Why?
Bart: Well isn’t Blair the most important thing in your life? Where’s that last grand gesture we spoke of earlier?
Chuck: Maybe I’ll just hold on to it.
Blair: I’m headed for a reckoning. Dan versus Chuck.
Eleanor: You always did love Jane Austen.
Blair: As literature, not my life! Dan is my best friend and when we’re together it’s great. I feel strong and safe. Except in a [] room.
Eleanor: And with Chuck?
Blair: I’m vulnerable. He’s devastated me, but he’s also made me happier than I’ve ever been. I just don’t know which kind of love is better.
Eleanor: Trust me, Blair. There isn’t a woman out there more powerful than you.
Blair: You really think so?
Eleanor: Yes I do. That’s why I want you to take over my company. That’s what I’ve been trying to talk to you about. I have decided to retire. And I know you’ve always said you didn’t want any part of what I do.
Blair: Well have you seen my closet? Fashion is art and culture and history and everything I love combined.
Eleanor: What are you still doing here?
Penelope: Waiting for Blair to change.
Eleanor: She left. She went through Serena’s room to avoid you.
Bart: Of course none of this would have been possible without my son, Chuck. So thank you, chuck, for keeping my seat warm. So starting today I will be the only Bass in Bass Industries.
Bart: I thought that went well. What did you want to discuss?
Chuck: You said this was a family business. What happened to us being partners?
Bart: You said partnership. I said nothing and did what was best for my company.
Chuck: The only reason your company still exists is because I saved it. All I’ve done is work to protect your legacy.
Bart: And pine after Blair Waldorf.
Chuck: That has nothing to do with the way I’ve handled this business!
Bart: You didn’t try and trade her for a hotel deed? You didn’t let everything fall apart when you ran away from her—all the way to Europe? You didn’t just three months ago almost bankrupt yourself trying to get her out of her marriage? I had hoped you had outgrown such foolish behavior, but you’re still willing to throw everything away for a girl that’s done nothing but toy with you.
Bart: Bass Industries needs to be run by a man. Not a boy. You’ve never grown up. Maybe you can start now.
Ivy: You sure you want to do this?
Lola: Cece gave it to you. I’m just giving it back.
Ivy: Well thank you. If you ever need anything.
Lola: After Lily sabotaged my mom’s defense I just need you to keep our agreement.
Ivy: Take down Lily. I’m looking forward to it.
Eleanor: That is your third sigh since the seventh arrondissement. Are you having regrets leaving without speaking to Serena?
Blair: Not at all. Those are “I love Paris” sighs.
Georgina: Dan Humphrey. Come to whisk me away for a rendez vous under the Tuscan sun. You’re lucky you’re on my free pass list otherwise Phillip might have put up a fuss.
Dan: This invitation isn’t about seduction, Georgina. It’s about scandal.
Georgina: Can’t a girl have both?
Dan: I need your photographic memory and your passion for social upheaval to help me write the book about the Upper East Side. The book I should have written from the beginning.
Georgina: Hm. Nothing like a scorned lover to scorch the earth. I can hardly wait.
View all quotes from The Return of the Ring
[/nextpage]