Season 4

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Belles de Jour

Vanessa: Your dad called me because he couldn’t reach you. I told him to call Serena because I assumed she’d be with you. Because what other reason could there possibly be that you haven’t called or emailed me all summer. Or making me have this conversation in the doorway.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m so sorry about that, but there is a reason.
Vanessa surveying the apartment: Is it because you’ve become a hoarder?

Vanessa: What other possible reason could there be in the God-I-Don’t-Believe-In’s Universe for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?
Dan: Meet Milo. He’s our son.

Juliet: Wouldn’t want to interrupt your girlfriend’s private conversation. It seemed pretty important.
Nate: She’s not my girlfriend.
Juliet: I was being polite.

Dan: Do you know how difficult it is to keep a baby alive? You can’t drop it, you can’t leave it alone. It has to eat like every three hours. If I don’t know what hit me here, how am I supposed to tell my dad?
Vanessa: I have to ask, as will Rufus: are you sure Milo’s yours?
Dan: Of course he is. I mean I’m pretty…. I’m pretty sure.
Vanessa: You didn’t have a paternity test?

Dan: I’ve been waiting for the crazy shoe to drop but it never did. I mean, she’s been great with Milo.
Vanessa: Dan, we’re talking about Georgina Sparks. Her hair lies. You can’t trust one thing that comes out of her mouth. Let alone anywhere else.

Lily: Eleanor, you’re early.
Eleanor: Oh just to set up, dear. And to accessorize you properly.
Rufus: You know, Bass is not her middle name.
Eleanor: I was afraid nobody would know who she was. Not a lot of Humphreys in the society pages.

Nate: Oh god, this is not good.
Lily: Georgina, to what do we owe the pleasure?
Georgina to the waiter: You have 15 seconds to top me off or you’re fired.

Eleanor: What’s going on, why does Georgina Sparks have a baby?

Georgina: At least now everybody’s talking.
Lily: Oh please. You’re enjoying this.

Juliet: Your friend who lent you his book. What was his name?
Nate: Chuck Bass.
Juliet: And what would Chuck Bass do in a situation like this?
Nate: He wouldn’t be in this situation.
Juliet: And you shouldn’t be either. When you’re ready to talk about what really got you into this place, give me a call.

Louis: He told me that I was being over-cautious. But I see that I was not.
Blair: About what?
Louis: I am the royal. Jean-Michel is my driver. When you asked me so many questions about my name, my car, the Embassy… I was concerned that you may not like me for me.
Blair: What? No? Who would ever—
Louis: It happens sometimes. But when I found you gazing at my favorite painting I thought that someone who loved what I love could one day love me too.
Gossip Girl: We hear Baccarat just updated its menu.
Louis: I thought it was fate. But I guess not.
Blair: No no no! It is fate. It’s just…
Louis: Good evening, Blair.
Gossip Girl: The gâteau du jour? Is now humble pie. Bon appetit, Blair.

Chuck: Where am I?
Eva: You’re safe. Who are you? What’s your name?
Chuck: Henry. Henry Prince.

Eva: Welcome to Paris, Henry.
Chuck: Let’s go home.

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Double Identity

Nate: I’m sorry for the seven hour long story.
Juliet Sharpe: Are you kidding? Serena took her best friend’s boyfriend’s virginity, ran away to boarding school, bounced from guy to guy. Until dating your married congressman cousin. Fell in love with you and then cheated on you with your friend who’s also her ex?
Nate: Yep.
Juliet: The only thing that would make it better is if one of those boyfriends turned out to be her brother.
Nate: Well does step-brother count?
Juliet: The life of Serena van der Woodsen is like the most complicated Jane Austen novel ever.

Insp. Chevalier: The body was in no condition for fingerprints, but we found this. shows her a wallet and passport.
Serena: That’s his.
Insp. Chevalier: We’re testing the blood on the wallet. Do you need a moment to gather yourself?
Serena: No amount of time will ever make this okay.

Eva: Five more minutes.
Chuck: As pleasurable as those 300 seconds sound, your uncle was already generous enough to help the strange American you brought home from Prague. I don’t want to be late for my first day on the job.

Eva: You’re a good man, Henry Prince. Too good.

Juliet: Vanessa, you’re amazing with him.
Dan: Yeah, she’s a serious Baby Whisperer.

Eva: Tell me you didn’t rob a bank?
Chuck: My grandfather left me a small inheritance. I’ve just been waiting for the right thing to spend it on.
Eva: Well it doesn’t look small to me.
Chuck: It’s enough to get us to London. Then Kerala.

Serena: Chuck, it’s you.
Eva: Who’s here?
Serena: Oh hi. I’m Serena van der Woodsen. I’m really sorry to show up like this. I’ve just been looking for Chuck everywhere.
Eva: Henry, what is she talking about?
Chuck: I don’t know. to Serena. The man you’re looking for is not here.

Louis: I had no idea you had such deep appreciation for street food. I’m quite surprised that your favorite restaurant is on Rue de la Huchette.
Blair: Yes well, the masterpieces of the Louvre don’t compare to the simple pleasures of a kebab.

Vanessa: Stop. Talking.
Dan: You know I’m not good at that.

Eva to Serena: I knew it was too good to be true. Who is she?

Louis: I hope your calling me means your business is complete.
Blair: It is. I’m sorry it distracted me from your parents’ ball.
Louis: In Paris there is always another ball.
The Sarkozys are saluting Jerry Lewis tomorrow night. If you’re not otherwise engaged.
Blair: There’s nothing I’d rather do than salute Jerry Lewis. But I can’t live in this fairy tale.
Louis: I promise this is not a story for little girls.
Blair: But I’ve been using it to run away from my real life on the Upper East Side. Someone there did something for me that I have to honor.
Louis: Will I ever see you again?
Blair: You can always come find me. hands him her shoe. It’s Vivier. It’s worth a hell of a lot more than a glass slipper.

Juliet on the phone: I had to improvise but it’s done. I’ll see you soon and we’ll talk about what’s next. Take care. Hang in there. I miss you.

Eva: When you didn’t come home last night I assumed you’d left with that girl.
Chuck: I owe you an apology. I don’t expect you to understand but where I’m from people lie and cheat and destroy whoever gets in their way. I did it better than any of them. When you dragged me in from that alley, you didn’t just save my life, you gave me the hope of a new one.
Eva: Well, the you I’ve been living with never did anything to be ashamed of. I hope you’ll bring some of him with you back to your world.
Chuck: I fully intend to. If you’ll come with me.
Eva: To New York? You got me a ticket?
Chuck: We don’t need tickets. I’m Chuck Bass.

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The Undergraduates

Blair: I don’t understand. How can Gossip Girl be down my first day at Columbia?
Dorota: Maybe Gossip Girl get kidnapped. Unstable ex-boyfriend lock internet—
Blair: Dorota! What did I tell you? No more watching Law and Order: SVU while you’re breastfeeding.

Chuck: Hey.
Eva: Hey.
Chuck: What are you doing up here? I was worried.
Eva: Just looking at your world. It’s magnificent.

Eva: So if you really are the big boss like you say can you make it so that no one comes up here and disturbs us?
Chuck: I already made the call.

Eva: Everything’s so different. I keep wanting to call him Henry.
Chuck: It’s a long story, but it has a happy ending.

Penelope: Sorry, but this is a private club. No has-beens allowed.
Serena: Penelope. Good to see you too. Long time.
Blair: Clearly standards have slipped if you’re a member here. To whom should I speak to have you removed once we get our keys?
Penelope: The wall.
My great aunt. She was a founding member.
Blair: Ah. Nepotism. That explains it. Now if you don’t mind, could you direct me to the keymaster. Then get me some cashews. I’m famished.

Serena: Did you just get a key?
Key Holder: Yep. And my mom said I’d never get in unless I lost ten pounds. Hm. She’s a bitch.

Vanessa: If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it, so can we. Right?
Dan: As long as it doesn’t make me Guttenberg.

Penelope: Finally. Nothing makes it a party like a Serena-Blair Showdown. Prepare your cellphones, ladies.

Juliet: Whatever twisted frenemy-slash-ex-boyfriend situation you have going on, Serena, it has nothing to do with me. I told you that the alumni committee makes the decisions—
Serena: You seriously thought we wouldn’t know anyone on the committee?
Juliet: You can’t. That’s the secret part of a secret committee.
Lily walking in: Unless the keymaster misbehaves. Half of the board members of Bass Industries are alumni. One phonecall confirmed the obvious. That Serena has always been at the top of the list. Congratulations darling. to Juliet: Key please.

Dan: I’m truly glad that you’ve gotten your priorities straightened out here, but there is no way that I’m letting you take this child.
Georgina: I’m sorry Dan, but it’s not your choice. He’s not your son.

Chuck: Please let me explain.
Eva: There’s nothing to say. I told you this would happen.
Chuck: It wasn’t you I was ashamed of, it was me.
Eva: What do you have to been ashamed of?
Chuck: Everything I did until the day I met you. Look, I should have told you about my past but I couldn’t risk losing you.
Eva: Well I’m going now. So tell me, who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?

Chuck: You didn’t leave.
Eva: I’m not going to lie. It was hard to hear the things you’ve done. But I’ve seen the man you can be. I choose to believe in that man.
Chuck: Come on, let’s meet my family.

Juliet: Some advice: don’t get into a fight at a party you helped organize.

Dan: Hey, I’m just curious. Did you pack that hideous bathmat that your mom made for you?
Vanessa: It’s a prayer rug.
Dan: Oh. Okay. Was it wrong of me to pray that it got lost in the move?

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Touch of Eva

Dan: Your pancakes are burning. Why did you bring out four plates?
Vanessa: Don’t be mad but this has been going on for too long so I had to call for backup.

Juliet: You’re a great influence. He’s really changed.
Eva: I take no credit. Old Chuck, bad Chuck, good Chuck, new Chuck. To me it’s one man, one journey.
Juliet: Wow. You really are from Europe.

Dan: I’m fine.
Vanessa: Dan, you’ve been sleeping all day, cutting class. I caught you watching Wild Hogs and laughing.

Vanessa: Where are you going?
Dan: I’m going to go to Nate’s. I would have told you sooner but your intervention intervened.

Blair: Forgive me for being vulgar, but I’ve always wanted a Baignoire timepiece. Might I see it?
Eva: Oh, I— I don’t have it on. I brought it in to be resized.
Blair: Are you sure you mean resized? Because I think you brought it in to be returned. For cash. See? That is Eva selling the watch. It is pretty. The watch I mean. Not the wad of hundies. Though Eva might disagree.
Chuck: Eva, what’s going on?
Eva: I needed the money for a friend.
Blair: That weak excuse might have worked in the former Vichy Republic, but Chuck and I are savvy New Yorkers.

Eva about meeting Chuck: Actually I was in my room when I heard the gunshots. I went downstairs and…
Blair: You found him?
Eva: Well when the ambulance didn’t show up I knew I had to do something myself.
Blair: So you’re a beautiful blonde nurse without a mean bone in your body and you literally saved Chuck’s life.
Eva: You make it sound like I’m an angel. I just… I just did what I had to.

Eva to Chuck: What do you think? silence. You know.

Dan: I had fun today. For the first time in a really long time.
Vanessa: Good for you, Dan. I’m glad that Serena’s so fun and I’m sorry that I’m not. That I’m just trying to make you deal with your feelings, with your life.
Dan: Every second of every day.
Vanessa: I’m trying to help you because that’s what adults do in an adult relationship.

Blair: Eva, would you mind if I had a word with Chuck? It’s important.
Eva: Why not Blair. What more can you possibly do to me.

Chuck: I found my passport in your suitcase.
Eva: What are you talking about?
Chuck: I should have known. You lied about the watch. You lied about your former career.
Eva: Is that what you think of me?
Chuck: I let you in. Told you everything—the whole of how my mother, my uncle, tried to take me. You sat there and you thought “I’m next”.
Eva: I’m sorry. I’ll pack my things.
Chuck: Only the things you came with.

Chuck: Eva, stop it. Look, I’m so sorry. I should never have doubted you. I made a terrible mistake.
Eva still packing: You did. Thank you for saying so.
Chuck: Look, you are pure and perfect. I will make this up to you, I promise.
Eva: Chuck, I have to go.
Chuck: No, look, you don’t. Blair set us up. I know better now.
Eva: Of course Blair lied to you. She’s a liar. But you chose to believe her. You are still connected to her. I see it when you’re together. I can feel it when I’m in the room.
Chuck: So let’s go away. Just you and me. Let’s go back to Paris, wherever you want. Right now.
Eva: You will always feel the pull of New York. This is your home. And now it’s time for me to return to mine.
Chuck: Don’t leave. Everybody leaves.
Eva: You’re Chuck Bass. And that means something different now. Don’t forget it. And don’t forget me.

Ivan: I’ll have this clean for you in the morning, sir. I ran into Eva and she said she was leaving. I’m sorry. She’ll be missed.
Chuck: Ivan. You’re fired.

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Goodbye, Columbia

Serena: Hey! Hey hey. Are you kidding me?
Cab Poacher: Hey, you again.
Serena: Yes. Me again. Getting my cab taken by you again.
Cab Poacher: Nice bag. I like it better than the one you had the other day.
Serena: Thank you. It’s supposed to be at class with me. I can’t be late again so if you don’t mind.
Cab Poacher: Sorry, she had an audition. Something…
I think a talking dog was involved.
Serena: Yeah, I know the feeling.
Cab Poacher: Why don’t you let me make it up to you. Buy you a drink sometime?
Serena: Are you seriously hitting on me while still holding your date’s shoes?
Cab Poacher: Well if you change your mind, the King Cole Bar is the only place in town that still makes a Red Snapper. You look like you’re about a size eight.

Vanessa: Your guitar tuner. Really? You have the worst poker face ever.
Rufus: Okay, fine. Dan hasn’t been returning my calls and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you guys.
Vanessa: Everything is better than okay. Dan and I had a marathon talk. Everything we hadn’t dealt with, including Serena. And from now on there’s no more secrets or surprises.
Rufus: Well that’s great. Never doubted you guys for a second.
Vanessa: Seriously. You need to practice in the mirror or something. I don’t know how they let you live on the Upper East Side.

Juliet: Have you been spying on me?
Ben: Spying implies a lack of trust. And I know that I can trust you.
Juliet: I’m only dating Nate to stay in Serena’s orbit.
Ben: Good. Because we agreed that we would not stop until Serena was left with nothing. Just like I was. And the next thing to take from her is Columbia.

Juliet: Okay, it says here that you both slept with Serena and Vanessa, and that Vanessa also slept with Chuck who slept with Blair.
Nate: All that’s on Gossip Girl?
Juliet: Yeah. She made a chart actually, which I have to say is very helpful.

Blair: Ms. Chamberlin, whatever Mr. Bass has told you I assure you he has no interest in your class or any idea who you even are.
Martha Chamberlin: Thank you?

Serena: What is going on?
Dorota: It’s
better not to know. Plausible deniability.

Sam introducing herself: Sam. Hi. I must say, Blair did not do you justice.
Ms. Chamberlin: I know the feeling. to Blair: You thought this was my special someone.
Blair: No. I mean unless…
Ms. Chamberlin: What? Since I’m a powerful career-driven woman who intimidates men I must be a lesbian.
Blair: No. This is not the date I set up! He was an intellectual property lawyer who does pro bono work helping kids sue Hollywood for stealing their Twitter ideas.
Ms. Chamberlin: Then I suggest you see if he needs an assistant. My class is full. Forever. Great scarf by the way.

Serena: I’m so sorry I didn’t make our meeting this morning, but as I mentioned in my email I’m hoping to impress upon you—upon both of you—that I’m willing to do whatever it takes to succeed at this school.
Dean: Yes, the email that you sent to Professor Lawford makes that pretty clear.
Serena: I’m sorry?
Dean: Perhaps we should have this conversation in private.
Serena: And what conversation would that be?
Dean: The one regarding your email that offers sex for grades.
Serena: What? I didn’t do that, I would never do that.
Dean: This is your email address, is it not?
Serena: Yes, but I didn’t send this.
Dean: Miss van der Woodsen, obviously we pay no mind to childish rumors that circulate all college campuses, but this email is extremely serious. The consequence of sending it I’m afraid is expulsion.
Serena: Expulsion?

Vanessa: Did you send that email—the one that came from Serena’s phone offering sex to her professor?
Juliet: What? Why would I do that? If you ask me it sounds like an idea that Serena would get all on her own.
Vanessa: I don’t think she would do that. I’m going to tell her we had her phone.
Juliet: Wait. Don’t. Maybe if we had access to it then somebody else did as well. I didn’t send that email. But if you tell her that we took her phone she is going to blame us and I could get expelled.
Vanessa: And so could she. If you didn’t send it then you have nothing to worry about.

Ms. Chamberlin: Oh my god. You students are psychotic. I have better things to do with my time. Tell the dean I quit.
Chuck: Shame. Sounded like a good class. If you’ll excuse me I’ve heard good things about the Make-Your-Own-Pizza Bar.

Vanessa: I can explain.
Dan: You took Serena’s phone?
Serena: She thinks we slept together. Wait, you were the one behind the Gossip Girl rumor.
Vanessa: What? No! I know how this looks but I did not send out that email. Juliet did. She’s the one who wanted to steal your cellphone in the first place.
Juliet: Are you kidding me? There’s no way that I’m getting dragged into this. I wasn’t going to say anything, but Vanessa came to me today. She asked me to help her get revenge and I told her no.
Vanessa: That is a lie!
Nate: No it’s not. Juliet told me before the party. She was hoping to talk to Vanessa and calm her down, but… I’m sorry, man.
Dan: Wait, is that why you were so happy earlier and you wanted to get out of here?
Serena: Yeah, with my phone so that she could get rid of the evidence and make sure I was expelled.
Vanessa: I did not do this. After everything we’ve been through I’m asking you to please believe me.
Dan: I don’t know what to believe right now.

Juliet: What did you expect me to do? I had to protect myself.
Vanessa: You’re right. You do.

Dean: I believe you didn’t send that email. But I can’t ignore the level of drama that has followed you to my campus and grown even louder since you’ve arrived.
Serena: Meaning?
Dean: Women of my generation had to fight for every opportunity. And to be taken seriously. And your attitude, Miss van der Woodsen, makes a mockery of that. If I were you, I’d rethink my priorities. Goodnight. Blair walks in. Miss Waldorf, I have my eye on you as well.

Vanessa: Dan it’s really important to me that you know I didn’t start any rumors. Or send out that email.
Dan: I believe you—I think. But it doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t believe me.
Vanessa: I know that now. It’s just too bad that it took losing you to figure out.

Cab Poacher: Tell you what, one drink one question. Tell me why you’re drinking alone and I’ll tell you anything you want.
Serena: I thought I could start over. But it turns out college is just high school with more expensive books. There’s no starting over. No matter where I go, whatever I do, my past seems to follow me. So. What about you? Why are you with a different girl every night?
Cab Poacher: Because I stopped apologizing for my past a long time ago.
Serena: Does that really work? Does it actually make you happy?
Cab Poacher: It did.

Ben: Why didn’t you stick to the plan?
Juliet: Like I said the first time, I thought Vanessa was the better option.
Ben: Well she wasn’t. Serena didn’t get expelled.
Juliet: But now I’m in with Serena and I can become her confidante. Find something even bigger to take her down with.
Ben: Good. Because now you have no choice. And I better not find out that this was about protecting Nate. Because if you’re falling for him…
Juliet: I’m not. I swear.
Ben: I guess I have to trust you.
Juliet: Yeah, I guess you do.

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Easy J

Jenny: Whatever you’re about to do, Blair, my dad and Lily are going to be home any minute.
Blair: Not to worry, Little J. This is going to be a very short conversation. I let you walk away after you whored yourself out to Chuck because I assumed you were smart enough never to come back. I might have been willing to make exceptions for holidays, birthdays, health emergencies of immediate family members, but I don’t believe any of those scenarios apply.
Jenny: Blair I’m just here for one day. I have an interview with Tim Gunn and if everything goes well then he’ll write me a recommendation letter for Parsons.
Blair: Parsons is still in Manhattan is it not?
Jenny: Lower Manhattan. It’s a hundred blocks away from the Upper East Side.
Blair: Semantics! You were banished. If people think I’m not a woman of my word the whole system could break down.
Jenny: Look Blair, I’m not looking to destabilize your social order. You know how much fashion means to me and Parsons is the school for it.
Blair: I’ll call you a car to take you back to Hudson. And wait while you pack.
Jenny: How about a day pass? I promise I’ll leave directly after my interview and you know, who knows if Tim Gunn’s even going to like my work. But either way I won’t set foot in Manhattan for the rest of the year, not even Christmas.
Blair: Jenny-free Holiday Season. It’s been on my wish list for quite some time. Amnesty ’til midnight.

Juliet: So… running into each other at a prison. That’s kind of awkward.
Nate: Yeah, especially because you said you were going to class.

Penelope: Nothing could be more entertaining than bottle-Blonde recon, but we’re still dying to know why you deported Jenny in the first place.
Blair: Yours is not to wonder why. Yours is to do or die. Go!

Dan: Okay, so what’s really going on?
Jenny: Well Blair stopped by with her Welcome Wagon. I don’t know why I thought I could sneak back in for a day, but…
Eric: How did she know you were here before I did?
Jenny: She’s the Wicked Witch of the Upper East Side. I’m sure one of her monkeys spotted me getting off the train or something. But it’s fine. She’s giving me a day pass as long as I don’t see or talk to anyone.
Dan: That’s ridiculous.
Jenny: Yes. It is 100% Vintage Crazy-ass Blair. But really, though. I mean I have no interest in going back to being GI Jenny and warring with Blair.
Eric: How very Gandhi of you.

Tim Gunn: Confidence and self-worth? I don’t know if this is your idea of a joke, but it’s not funny.

Eric: We are not letting you give up on Parsons. C’mon.
Jenny: I have a Blair-shaped target on my back.
Dan: You wanted to be Gandhi, now’s your chance. Let’s go find Tim Gunn.

Juliet: There are some things that I need to tell you about me and my family.

Jenny: Give it up Blair. Everyone knows I did. And who I gave it to.

Dan: So much for Zen Jenny Humphrey.
Jenny: Come on, Dan. I just did what needed to be done.
Dan: It’s what Blair and Chuck would have done. Jen, I was proud of you for moving on. But if this is what you’ve become after just a day back? Maybe Blair was right after all, and maybe you should go back to Hudson.

Nate: Whatever happened to “in good times and bad”?
Mr. Archibald: I don’t know. I spent most of our marriage focused on “for richer or poorer”.

Blair:
If you’ve come to gloat, I would relish the moment. It will be fleeting.
Jenny: You’re right. Because I’m leaving. Despite what happened today I can’t beat you. In order to beat you I’d have to become you and I’m better than that. At least I want to be.
Blair: Nice try, Jenny Humphrey. We know you’re just scared and want to save face.
Jenny: You two used to be in love. And together you were invincible. But now that you’ve turned against each other it’s just a matter of time before your mutual destruction. And when that happens maybe I’ll think about coming home. But for now: Goodbye, good riddance and good luck.

Colin: How’s it going?
Juliet: You weren’t kidding when you said it’d be a challenge.
Colin: Well. All good things are worth waiting for.

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War at the Roses

Dorota: Happy to have you home, Miss. Eleanor.
Eleanor: You didn’t think I would miss throwing my only child a 20th birthday party.
Blair: Mother you do know that my actual birthday isn’t until next week, don’t you?
Eleanor: Twenty-three hours of labor, I am not likely to forget.

Blair: How’s the guest list coming?
Eleanor: Everyone who’s anyone will be here. But I couldn’t help but notice a certain Charles Bass has been added to the list. Blair. We don’t need any trouble.
Blair: He’ll be no trouble, Mother. He and I are good.
Eleanor: Yeah. So good you have been berating the help all day.

Blair: Dorota, what’s going on with me?
Dorota: You aren’t fighting with Mr. Chuck so you fight with everyone else.

Eleanor: I could kill the caterer. The appetizer tray looks like a Rorschach Test.

Nate: If you left me for that guy you can say so. I mean why is it such a big secret?
Juliet: It’s not what you think. Now if you don’t mind.
Nate: No first you’re going to tell me what’s going on. You’ve lied to me enough.
Juliet: He’s my cousin, Nate. And the reason we don’t want people to know is because he’s a teacher and I’m a student.
Nate: And he’s dating Serena.
Juliet: Oh my god.

Dorota: She borrow my tiara. She not give it back yet. But that’s okay. She is 20, she deserve 20 tiaras. She has great heart, style and grace. Even when she get mad. Happy Birthday Miss Blair!

Rita: Luckily, Robin was working with me in New York this week and able to bring along a very special video of Blair.
Tiffany: What is it?
Penelope: A Jack Bass sex tape?
Tiffany: A Nelly Yuki snuff film?

Juliet: Okay, we have a big problem. Serena’s professor is Colin. Our cousin Colin.
Ben: What’s the problem?
Juliet: He has no idea what we’re doing. If he finds out I will lose everything.
Ben: Don’t tell me about losing everything.
Juliet: I’m sorry. I know that there’s no love lost between you two, but I need him. He pays for my school, my rent.
Ben: What you need is to get Serena caught with her professor. Whoever he is. Did you get the proof like we talked about?
Juliet: Not yet, but Ben he obviously has no idea who she is. That she’s the one responsible for all—
Ben: It’s because she’s responsible that you have to do this. It is the only way to make things right. It is the only way for our family to ever move on. Now please, Jules, get the proof. And get Serena expelled.

Eleanor: You don’t have to lose the girl to be a woman. Just need to think maybe about how many people are going to be around next time you let her out.

Vanessa: Hey.
Dan: So I wrecked Blair’s birthday and I betrayed Nate, I disappointed my dad. And as the icing on the cake I pretty much ruined his and Lily’s anniversary.
Vanessa: Other than that, how was your night?
Dan: It was Blair’s 20th birthday party and I’m still acting like an eighth grader. Oh my god. Is it possible the Upper East Side is contagious?
Vanessa: I think we’ve proven that it is. We just need some rest and a good dose of Brooklyn.
Dan: Thanks for being here.
Vanessa: We’ve been friends forever. That’s not going to change.

Colin about The Beautiful and Damned: Anthony Patch is more tragic than Gatsby.
Serena: I can’t believe you actually read it.
Colin: Why wouldn’t I? You gave it to me.
Serena: You know I think I like you too much to do this right now. We’ve come this far. The old me would have gone farther but the new me really wants to wait.
Colin: I’m glad I know the new you. She’s a great teacher.
Serena: So, six more weeks.
Colin: Yeah. At least we stopped ourselves before we made a mess of everything. No one found out. So we’re safe.
Serena: Well in that case.

View all quotes from this episode

Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

Vanessa: I had no idea you were a Colin Forrester fan. I saw Matt Lauer interview him on the Today show recently.
Dan: Oh yeah? What was it about?
Vanessa: Who was cuter. Or maybe that was just me.
Dan: Well he’s no Maria Bartiromo but he is Serena’s professor and she’s been raving about him, so I figured I’d borrow… that book from her. And you checked out of this conversation the minute the S word came up.
Vanessa: Sorry, but ever since the Hamilton House debacle I’m dead to anyone in Serena’s life except for you. Nate doesn’t even return my calls.
Dan: Well if it makes you feel any better he’s not talking to me either. He’s still pissed that I stole that treaty.
Vanessa: Well unlike you I didn’t do anything. Juliet framed me, she’s crazy, is any of this ringing a bell?
Dan: Vanessa, let’s not get into this again. We put it behind us, we’re leaving it there. Alright?

Juliet: Sorry I’m late. I had to pull an all-nighter just to finish Persuasion for my comp lit class. Apparently even Jane Austen can have a misfire.

Nate: Look, I’m sorry, Vanessa. I should have believed you when you said she set you up. Juliet’s a liar and she’s been lying to me this whole time.
Vanessa: Finally. Took someone long enough. But seriously, I appreciate you telling me.
Nate: Enough that you’ll help me find out where she’s hiding?
Vanessa: Let me see. Writing a paper on Hannah Arendt or… a secret mission that might help me clear my name. Let me grab my bag.

Serena: Separate flights?
Colin: We’ll meet at the Pink Sands. Your room’s under your name. I always book mine under Buffett.

Juliet: It’s so hard giving up on Ben. I mean, you remember what he was like before. He was so optimistic, idealistic—I mean the day he became a teacher was the happiest day of his life and I guess I just, I still see him like that.
Colin: I know. But he’s not that person anymore. He’s a 26-year-old convict who still hasn’t taken responsibility for his actions. He’s not going to be able to move on until he accepts what happened.

Dorota: If KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.

Colin: Blair. Is Serena here?
Blair: No. But the better question is, why are you here?
Colin: I came to my senses and did what I should have done weeks ago. I called the dean and told her I am done teaching at Columbia. I even managed to find a replacement.
Blair: Just when I had written you off. Well not “just”. I kind of wrote you off weeks ago. Sorry.

Vanessa: Excuse me. Dean Reuther? Hi—
Juliet interrupting: Oh my. Vanessa Abrams, is that you? My apologies, Dean. I haven’t seen this one since Exeter.
Dean Reuther: No problem, Miss Sharp. Have a nice evening.
Vanessa: Exeter? Seriously?

Vanessa: Face it, at the end of the day you’re an outsider just like me. And if it’s ever between one of us and Serena van der Woodsen, they will always choose Serena.

Juliet: Excuse me, Dean Reuther? I have something that you need to see.
GG: Put on your toe shoes, Serena. It’s going to be hard to dance your way out of this one.

Juliet: I have proof that Serena van der Woodsen is having an affair with her professor.
Dean Reuther: Miss Sharp, I am here with friends. This is the one night of the year where I get to try and put everything else out of my mind and just enjoy myself.
Blair: Dean Reuther, may I please have a moment with you?
Dean Reuther: Of course you’re involved with this, Miss Waldorf. I told you and Miss van der Woodsen to try and stay off my radar.
Juliet: Dean Reuther, I’m not lying.
Colin: What’s going on?
Dean Reuther: Nothing that concerns you, Professor. Or concerns anyone for the moment.
Juliet: Actually, it does concern Colin. He’s the one in the photos with Serena.
Dean Reuther: Is that why you resigned your position today?
Colin: While it’s true that I resigned because of my involvement with a student it’s nobody’s business who that student is. All that matters is the responsibility is mine and I took it. By leaving my post.

Juliet: Don’t you see? They’re all protecting each other.
Vanessa: This is what they always do.
Dean Reuther: I’m sorry. Who are you? Miss Sharp, the reality is that with no proof I can’t tell who is telling the truth.
Juliet: Yeah, well there was proof. Until Blair drowned it.
Dean Reuther: Juliet I don’t like tattletales much more than I like young women who use their sexuality to further their academic careers. So if you will please excuse me, I’m going to try my best to to enjoy this performance. Which, hopefully, is a little more graceful than the one I’ve just seen. Good evening.

Colin: You took photos of me? What the hell were you thinking?!
Juliet: You should never have gotten involved with Serena van der Woodsen in the first place! I tried to warn you.
Colin: Oh yeah, you really had my back. I always knew Ben would eventually turn you against me, but I never knew you’d do something like this.
Juliet: It’s not that simple. I never meant to hurt you.
Colin: In this case, the only person you hurt is yourself because, starting now, you are completely cut off. As far as I’m concerned, you are as dead to me as your brother.
Juliet: Colin—

Blair: Just because you have no money and delusions of grandeur does not make it okay for you to be a single white trash female.
Juliet: Nate, this isn’t me. You know that.
Nate: How would I ever believe anything you say again.
Blair: Well you can believe the part where she does her own hair.
Serena: You tried to destroy my friendship with Blair, my reputation, my academic career…
Chuck: You failed every time, and now it’s time for you to go.
Juliet: I’m trying to.
Nate: He’s talking about Columbia.

View all quotes from this episode

The Witches of Bushwick

Serena: Hey, why are you guys eating? I thought we were going to Sarabeth’s.
Eric: Ah, we decided we could spread out better here. There’s more room to work.
Serena: On what, your calculus homework?
Eric: Your love life. It’s a little something called “Dan vs. Nate”. We’re here to help.
Elliot: And we brought protractors.
Serena: A Venn diagram, really? You seriously expect me to make this monumental decision with colored pencils and graph paper?
Eric: Don’t mock. Elliot got an 800 on his math SATs.
Elliot: Mm hm. Probability. Set theory. It’s basically what they do when you join an online dating service.

Dean Reuther: I’m sorry, Serena, I have to look at the bigger picture. It’s no longer just your education that’s being disrupted.
Lily: Well I’m sure you realize that Serena was accepted at other Ivy League institutions.
Serena: Mom, please—
Dean Reuther: Well getting out of the city is probably your best course of action. We can refund her tuition and I am happy to facilitate a transfer.
Lily: I think you misunderstood me. Serena chose Columbia. And despite your judgment, she is the victim here. And I’m sure the Times would love to do an article about a dean who tolerates professors in power positions exploiting female students.
Dean Reuther: Well I hope you’ll consider my offer.

Anne: I feel I need to tell you, the board is very focused on the fact that the head of a female empowerment organization needs to be someone who’s empowered herself.
Blair: Well they’re in luck, because power isn’t just my mission. It’s my mantra.
Anne: It’s more your personal relationships that are in question.
Blair: I assume you don’t mean Nate.

Chuck: So I took your advice about the relaunch. After tonight it’ll be clear I’m back in the game. With Victrola, Gimlet, and The Empire as my flagship.
KC: Yeah, but a black and white ball? It’s so Hilton. Conrad, not Paris.
Chuck: I take your insult as flattering.
KC: Well don’t. People aren’t checking into The Empire for a black tie experience. They come to live like Chuck Bass. No rules, no repercussions.
Chuck: They still can. The hotel’s the same as ever.
KC: But you aren’t. When you disappeared you seriously damaged your brand. And the hotel has paid the price.

Chuck: So what do you suggest?
KC: If you want to rebuild you need to commit to being the hedonist everyone loves to hate. No one wants a soft-hearted has-been who’s worried about dating Blair Waldorf.
Chuck: Trust me, a relationship with Blair is the furthest thing from my mind.

Anne: People may forgive the choices you’ve made in your past, but if you want this foundation in your future I’ll need some assurance that Charles won’t be a part of it.
Blair: He’s not even part of my present.

Vanessa: Blair’s pathological for sure, but half of what she does is to protect Serena. And she never pays consequences or takes responsibility.
Juliet: Which is exactly why we need to turn everyone against Serena. So she finally knows what it feels like to be an outsider.
Jenny: Ah… I’d say you’re pretty expert at this yourself.
Juliet: I just like visual aids.

Elliot: We should go as Bacchus and Sergius.
Eric: Yes we should.

Chuck: Just in time to hear KC tell me how I’ve destroyed my Bad Boy business plan once and for all.
KC: I warned you. But it turns out I was wrong. This party is so decadent—and the private rooms frankly illegal, the big romantic gesture showed the hedonist had a heart.
Chuck: So Blair’s the perfect balance.
KC: With the press this will get, you can expect the hotel will be fully booked by Monday.

View all quotes from this episode

Gaslit

Blair: Strolling the Christmas markets with Daddy and Roman. Celebrating the Beaujolais Nouveau at Le Tambour. Did you remember my new Burberry?
Dorota: Yes.
Blair: That’s the double-faced. I need the shearling. Do you want me to freeze?
Dorota: Yes. I want you to freeze.
Blair: Why aren’t you excited for me? You know how much I love Paris in Autumn.
Dorota: With everything that’s happened with Mr. Chuck and Miss Serena I also know that you want to get out of the Dodge.
Blair: “Out of Dodge”. It’s a place not a pick-up truck. And I’m not leaving because of them. Dorota gives her a look. Well not entirely because of them.
Dorota: It’s Ana’s first holiday season. So many traditions to share. The breaking of oplatek, the waiting for first star. The singing kolenda….
Blair: Do any of these traditions include getting to the point?
Dorota: I took liberty of making Harold’s famous Thanksgiving pie for you.
Blair: I’m not sure that’s getting through airport security.
Dorota: I thought maybe we could drop it off at van der Woodsen’s on way to airport.
Blair: Serena is the one who forced Chuck and me into the open and tried going after my committee. She’s the one staying at Lily’s to avoid me. Shouldn’t she be bringing me pies?
Dorota: Forget I mentioned it. I throw pie in trash.
Blair: No. It’s fine. But this is only about pies and traditions. That’s all. Do they have a word in Polish for “pain in the ass”?

Jenny: Serena in trouble. We screwed up. Coming home.

Dr. Keller: Mrs. Humphrey? I’m Dr. Keller. It was a drug overdose but it wasn’t severe. We have her on fluids right now but her liver and kidneys look fine.
Lily: Ah.
Rufus: What now?
Dr. Keller: Well she’s stable so as soon as she wakes up we’ll have to discharge her. I was wondering if you wanted to discuss a place for her recovery. I understand your family had a good experience with the Ostroff Center.
Lily: Well she’s not a drug addict.
She didn’t mean to harm herself, this was all sort of a stupid mistake, and as you said yourself it wasn’t severe.
Dr. Keller: The amount ingested isn’t what worries me. In addition to the painkillers and sleeping pills we found Nortriptyline in her motel room. It’s an anti-depressant. But taken in conjunction with the other medications it can be fatal. Was your daughter battling depression?
Lily: No.
Rufus: Not that we’re aware of.
Dr. Keller: I’ll give you a minute.

Jenny: We need to talk.
Juliet: To my super about letting strangers into my apartment?
Jenny: No, about Serena.
Juliet: Her overdose? I had no idea she was so depressed.
Jenny: She wasn’t. Until we made her that way. I mean we turned everyone against her.

Jenny: Dad, I came as soon as I—
Vanessa: Sorry, I had to tell him what you did to Serena.
Jenny: What I did?

Rufus: I didn’t want to get into it in front of everyone, but now it’s your turn to face the music.
Jenny: Maybe I did try to trick Serena at the Saints and Sinners party but I didn’t do it alone. And we didn’t mean for it to end up like this.
Rufus: We?
Jenny: Yes! Juliet, me and Vanessa. We were all in it together.
Rufus: That’s not what Vanessa said.
Jenny: What are you going to believe her more than me?
Rufus: Jenny I’m not going to argue with you about how responsible you are. One-third, two-thirds—you can’t deny you did it! And I am not Vanessa and Juliet’s father, I’m yours. Serena could have died.
Jenny: I know! Dad, I know— I’m sorry! I— It was supposed to be a prank to teach her a lesson. I never should have come back to the city.
Rufus: Well on that we can both agree.
Jenny: Then I guess there’s no reason for me to stay.
Rufus: Jenny where are you going?

Ben: Where have you been? I’ve been trying to contact you.
Juliet: I was baking you a punkin pie with a file inside.
Ben: What’s up with you?
Juliet: We have a lot to be thankful for. Saints and Sinners went perfectly. Everyone turned against her. I even got her to drop out of Columbia.
Ben: That’s great. Why didn’t you tell me?
Juliet: Because it’s Serena. She worms herself out of everything and I needed to make sure there was one more nail in her coffin. Something that would force her family and friends to look at her differently. Forever.
Ben: What did you do?
Juliet: They took Serena to St. Margaret’s on a drug overdose.
Ben: Oh my god. You drugged her?
Juliet: Don’t worry. I don’t think there was any permanent damage, to her health at least.
Ben: That was not part of the plan.
Juliet: Well I made it part of the plan. My financial support, apartment, Columbia, Nate. Look, this isn’t just about you anymore. If there is a line that you wouldn’t have crossed, you should have told me before I lost everything. Happy Thanksgiving, brother.

Blair: How many times do I have to go Courtney Love on your ass before you get the message? I don’t want you here.
Jenny: The girl on Gossip Girl’s blast isn’t Serena.
Blair: What?
Jenny: It’s Juliet. We had a plan to turn everyone against her. When you and Chuck were exposed at his party, that was me.
Blair: You?
Jenny: And while I was doing that Juliet was kissing Dan and Nate. We were both dressed exactly like Serena. This is from her costume. It’s what she wore in those photos.
Blair: That’s a pretty tall tale from a not-too-reliable source.
Jenny: Blair, what reason do I have to come clean? Like it or not, you know me. And you know that I love a good game as much as the next girl but I would never want to hurt Serena for real. Juliet did and she used Vanessa and me to do it.
Blair: Are you willing to go double-agent? Help me bring Juliet down?
Jenny: I wish I could. But you were right in banishing me. I thought I could change and I didn’t. So I think the best thing for me to do is go. And stay gone.
Blair: Thanksgiving without Jenny Humphrey. What fun would that be?
Jenny: Juliet’s apartment’s empty. I’m pretty sure she left town. Good luck.

View all quotes from this episode

The Townie

Nate: Looks like someone’s going to have a busy holiday season.
Anne Archibald: Unfortunately they’re all followed up by a polite phone call asking if your father will be attending.
Nate: Ah.
Anne: Or in the case of Lily’s holiday party for Bass Industries, a hand-written note saying she hopes I understand.
Nate: Wow. I guess I always thought the Mean Girls got a little nicer once they grew up and had kids of their own.
Anne: Quite the opposite, I’m afraid.

Nate: So I really appreciate everything you’ve been doing for Dad, and I, you know, wanted to make sure he deserves the chance you’re giving him. So I called our business manager and asked if Dad had been in contact—made any plans for when he got out.
Anne: Please tell me he didn’t book a one-way flight to the Caribbean.
Nate: No, but he did ask about leasing a house outside the city.
Anne: Why wasn’t I told about this?
Nate: He wanted to tell you. Dad begged him not to say anything… alright, he said you’d find out soon enough— it was supposed to be a surprise.
Anne: I wish I was surprised. So he uses our address to get paroled and uses my money to get his own place. Same old Howard.
Nate: I’m sorry Mom.

Nate: I’m sorry. I might have—
Howard Archibald (Sam Robards): Jumped to conclusions? Pretty quickly too.
Nate: No, you’re right. I guess this transition’s going to be harder than we thought. I’ll talk to mom.
Howard: Don’t bother. I guess you’re not the only one who assumed I was incapable of doing something nice. I was kidding myself. Two of us alone in the country—the two of us together at all? It’s been over for a long time.

Damien: Whatever this is, I’m not getting involved.
Dan: Well if you sold drugs to Juliet then you already are.
Blair: It was bad. Serena ended up in the hospital. And she says she didn’t do it to herself.
Damien: Is she okay?
Dan: She will be.
Damien: Look, Juliet made a pretty big buy, alright? She bought pills, coke, even some ether. I assumed she was throwing a party for those sorority girls at Whatever House.
Blair: Ether?
Damien: It’s like a turn-of-the-century roofie.
Dan: So Serena goes to boarding school with Damien, Damien sells drugs to Juliet.
Blair: But what’s the connection between Juliet and Serena?
Damien: You know what? Why don’t we find her address and go ask her ourselves. This is where I first met Juliet. She’s a townie.

Dan: Do you recognize him?
Damien: Yeah. But I didn’t know he was Juliet’s brother.
Blair: Well
if I taught at Knightly I wouldn’t bring my Mystic Pizza townie family to school events either.
Damien: When Serena went back to the city he got fired for sleeping with a student. Everyone was sure it was her.

Damien: There wasn’t a keg cracked within ten miles that Serena didn’t know about. And then suddenly she started staying home, reading in her room. The generous conclusion to draw would be that Serena was getting her act together. Focusing on school.
Dan: Yeah, but no one thought that. They assumed she was sleeping with a handsome young English teacher.
Blair: Was she?
Damien: Well I always thought the best about Serena, but…
Blair: But something made you believe it was true.

Juliet: Dan and Blair showed up in Cornwall with Damien Delgaard.
Ben: Damien? What’s he doing with them?
Juliet: Well considering he’s the one who sold me the pills that I used on Serena I think I have a pretty good guess.
Ben: Look, I told you the drugs were going too far. Never mind if they go to the cops. What if those guys show up at mom’s and start asking questions?
Juliet: Yeah, I’m sure they already did. And I’m sure they are figuring it all out right now.
Which is exactly why I am going to finish this thing once and for all like I should have done in the first place.
Ben: Where are you? Are you in the city? Juliet, you have done enough. Do not go after Serena. If you touch her—
Juliet: What? It’s not like you can stop me.

Ben: Hey! Archibald! I’m Ben, I’m Juliet’s brother, alright, you need to find Serena and make sure she’s okay.
Nate: Wait, wait. What?

Serena: And the photo of me on Gossip Girl. That was you too?
Juliet: Yep. I went out dressed like you and partied like it was 2007.
Serena: And then you just left me for dead in a motel room. Why, because of Nate? Or Colin?
Juliet: No, you stupid bitch. Because you destroyed my brother’s life!
Serena: Who’s your brother?
Juliet: Ben Donovan.
Serena: Ben is your brother? What did I ever do to him?

Blair: What’s going on?
Eric: I don’t know, but I feel a little sick inside and not just because I’m looking at him. What, have you come to recruit another virgin to be your drug mule?
Damien: I would say, “Why, are you available?” But I’m leaving. Thanks for the ride into the city.

Board Member: Please, Rufus, take the holiday to get things under control. With the upcoming sale of Bass Industries we don’t need any more surprises. Rufus looks confused. Lily said she told you.
Rufus: Of course, yeah. Forgive me, it’s been a dizzying few days.

Ben: Serena? What are you doing here?
Serena: I had to come see you.
Ben: I don’t know what to say.
Serena: Neither do I. But I feel like I should start.

View all quotes from this episode
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The Kids Are Not All Right

Howard Archibald (Sam Robards) from the other room: Oh yeah! Hey Nate, need one more for a foursome. You in, dude?
Nate: That’s not what it sounded like.

Eleanor (Margaret Colin): Make a decision, Laurel! Or I’ll make the last one you’ll hear. What are you girls doing?
Blair: Just solidifying the details of my internship.
Eleanor: Oh. Honey, that reminds me. I was thinking, why not work with me at Waldorf Designs? You love fashion.
Blair: Well I also love a good pot-au-feu but that doesn’t mean that I’m going to build a career around it.
Eleanor: Fine. Well, I have a monster of a day.
Penelope: Do you know how many women would kill to work with your mother?
Blair: Yes. And they’re the Jenny Humphreys of the world.

Chuck: If I could impose on you to pop back up to the office and tell Mr. Thorpe Chuck Bass is here to see him. I’ll take a coffee and today’s Pravda if it’ll be a few minutes.
Reina: I’m sorry. Who are you?
Chuck: Chuck Bass. I just flew in from New Zealand, got the invitation to Mr. Thorpe’s party. Thought I’d stop by early to discuss business.
Reina: Would you mind telling me what this is regarding?
Chuck: I don’t usually expose my private matters to an assistant.
Reina: Assistant. I prefer the term secretary, don’t you? Why not just call things as you see them.
Chuck: Couldn’t agree more. So, since I’m sure your boss will see me, if you’ll just tell him I’m here—
Reina: That won’t be possible.

Reina Thorpe: It appears you may be out of the loop. The potential sale of Bass Industries? Is very real. There’s a deal on the table and it’s fast-tracked to close in twenty-four hours. I’m guessing I’ll be seeing you at my boss’ party later?

Howard: You gettin’ soft kid?
Nate: No, I’m getting bursitis. That was mile nine. Maybe we should head back.
Howard: I feel like I’m twenty again.
Nate: I am twenty. I feel like I’m going to puke up a lung. Don’t you have things to do?
Howard: Like what? Something on your mind?
Nate: Just making sure you’re concentrating on the future, is all. Your terms of parole are pretty specific. A job, for one.
Howard: I know what the terms are.
Nate: Which is why my PO already has an interview set up this afternoon.

Nate: You know what? A celebratory sounds like a good after-party. Maybe you could get an advance, pick up the check.
Howard: At the pay grade I’m at, I hope you don’t mind a Halal cart.

Blair: I’ve thought about it and I really would love to intern with you.
Eleanor: Really? Well… that is just great, dear.
Blair: And since you seem to have your hands full, I thought maybe I could accompany you. On your fittings for the Midwestern Mogul party.
Eleanor: Well, perhaps it might be more efficient for you to have your own assignment rather than accompanying me.
Blair: Even better! Why not—
Eleanor: Patty Blagojevitch.
Blair: I’m going to assume that that noise was a sneeze and that you meant to say Indra Nooyi.
Eleanor: Indra? Don’t be silly. She is a huge new client and you are just an intern. But you can deliver this to Patty. And you can style her. God knows she needs it.
Blair: But—
Eleanor: Darling, I am thrilled.

Chuck: Mr. Thorpe. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, sir.
Russell Thorpe: Call me Russell. I see you’ve met my daughter.
Chuck: Reina Thorpe.
Russell Thorpe: Wharton grad. Thorpe Enterprises’ Vice President and a most trusted advisor to her proud and aging papa.
Chuck: You said you were his assistant.
Russell Thorpe: You said that.

Russell Thorpe: Reina never lies. It’s her best quality.
Chuck: I highly doubt that.

Eleanor: I can’t believe your nerve! What were you planning to do? Lobby Ms. Nooyi for a job in the changing room?
Blair: No. I was going to wait until after. Meetings in underwear tend not to be taken seriously.
Eleanor: You would use me and jeopardize my business for some career you thought of five minutes ago based on some power list.
Blair: I’m sorry I lied to you. But your dress was going to look stunning on her no matter who zipped it up in the back. I have to take my future into my own hands. Otherwise…
Eleanor: Otherwise what? You’ll be forced to follow in my footsteps? No, that’s fine dear. Now that I realize your childish games are actually who you are and not a phase, I wouldn’t want someone like you wanting to be like me. And you are fired.

Post Reporter: Can you please tell this Dan Humphrey that, while I’m flattered, I don’t have the power to hire anyone. Print’s a dying medium.

Howard: I’m gonna make you proud of me, I promise.
Nate: That’s what you said right before you got caught.

Thorpe: I was planning to get settled before I dove into business, but I’m a restless ma. So, I’ve decided to set my sights high. On a company that has just this minute come back up on the block. My dear departed friend’s Bass Industries.
Gossip Girl: Looks like Page Six of this party will read: The World According to Thorpe.
Thorpe: So, cheers! To new friends. And inevitable enemies.
Gossip Girl: Forget your usual suspects, Upper East Siders.
Thorpe: I look forward to facing you all.
Gossip Girl: There’s a new family in town.

Eleanor: Come to twist the knife further?
Blair: You were right. I used you. And I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.
Eleanor: Don’t be. I’ve watched you struggling to find your path and I guess I just hoped that you would want to follow mine but, like any self-respecting daughter of an egocentric mother, would be repelled by the thought of being anything like her.
Blair: That is not true. Mother, you are brilliant. And resilient. And… a businesswoman, and an artist. I’d be crazy not to want to be like you.
Eleanor: Really? But you are not a designer. You are a, um…
Blair: A dictator of taste.
Eleanor: Exactly! I love that. Who said that?
Blair: A friend of mine.
Eleanor: Well if only there was a person who did that for a living. Someone to aspire to. There is. {she grabs a stack of magazines.}
Blair: Editrix of a high fashion magazine.
Eleanor: So we’ll strategize in the morning?

Chuck: What are you doing here?
Reina: River Park’s one of the only bars I like in New York. And I came to offer you an apology. Today at the office, the identity game. I’m usually more straightforward than that. Which leads me to my next point.
Chuck: Edge of my seat.
Reina: My father reported your family’s fight to the buyer, during the party. Scared him off so he could go after it himself.
Chuck: While I’m impressed with your honesty, I can’t say I like the information. Or your relationship to it.
Reina: It’s just business.
Chuck: Right now I’m trying to focus on whatever pleasure I can.
Reina: If you can separate the two so can I. My car is just outside. I’ll wait five minutes before taking off. If I go home alone, I’ll never bring it up again.

Gossip Girl: And whether you kick things off by sleeping with the enemy, or trying your best to remake a former friend—
Ben Donovan: Serena.
Serena: You’re still here.
Ben: Just waiting for the bus. What are you even doing here?
Serena: Are you free for coffee?
Ben: I’ll be free for anything.
Gossip Girl: One thing’s for sure, anything is possible. XOXO —Gossip Girl.

View all quotes from this episode

Damien Darko

Chuck: Do you know what a turn-on it would be to sleep with a woman trying to buy my company.
Reina Thorpe: As long as we play clean in business, I’m happy to keep it.

Ben: Serena, the reason I asked you here is because I heard from an old college friend. He’s starting an organic farm up in Ithaca. Wants me to move up there.
Serena: Wow. Ithaca is supposed to be beautiful. But are you sure?
Ben: Be outside all day, work with my hands. After being cooped up so long, it’s kind of ideal.
Serena: Well I hope we get to spend some time together before you go.
Ben: I’m leaving tomorrow. I want to start my new life as soon as possible. I hope you understand.

Damien: Serena, hey. It’s great to see you. I heard about the Ostroff Center and Juliet giving you the—
Serena: The drugs that you sold her?
Damien: I had no idea what her plans were. I want to make sure that you’re okay.
Serena: Look, I couldn’t care less about clearing your conscience. When are you going to realize your occupation hurts people?

Epperley Lawrence: I saw that movie too. But this is real life, not some Hollywood chick flick where with a scrunchie gets a makeover and triumphs in the end.
Blair: I have never owned a scrunchie.
Epperley: I think I read that. On your resumé.

Epperley: You’re all so young, so adorable.
Blair: All who?
Epperley: All of you interns.
Blair: But I thought it was just me.
Epperley: Thousands of applications. These are the best of the best.
Blair: I’m the best of the best. I’m Blair Waldorf.
Epperley: Assuming that’s your way of saying you’re the most distinguished, ambitious student at your school, then they’re all Blair Waldorfs.

Jonathan: Are you okay? What’s going on with you and your mother?
Eric: Oh. Now you care. Because you didn’t when you dumped me.
Jonathan: I was angry, and rightly so. But… I’ve always cared and you know that.
Eric: It’s my family and Elliot and… it’s just been a rough few weeks for me. I’ve missed having you in my life.
Jonathan: Well I’m here now. Your mother said you guys were going to some party tonight. Is there any chance you’d want to bring someone to be there for you? Help keep the peace. Make fun of everyone we see.
Eric: Yeah. That sounds perfect.

Howard: I didn’t want to tell you until everything was settled. I have incredible news. I got a job. A real job. As a financial advisor in a top tier company.
Nate: Are you serious? Dad, that’s great!
Howard: I never thought it would happen again—the suits, the business lunches, the ability to pay my own hotel bills. I can’t stop pinching myself.
Nate: What’s the firm?
Howard: Thorpe Enterprises. I’ll be working with Russell Thorpe himself.

Chuck: I thought you said you were totally above board when it comes to business.
Reina: I did. And I am.
Chuck: So why did you hire my best friend’s father to work for your company?
Reina: The Captain? He and my father and old friends. My father believes in second chances and we need someone who knows the lay of the land.
His son’s my roommate. It’s an obvious conflict.
Reina: Chuck, we just met I had no idea who you lived with. I know you’re sensitive to this. I assure you, Thorpe Enterprises has no interest in corporate espionage.

Damien: Congratulations on getting out. I’m sure you’ve been doing a lot of celebrating, huh? Wanna buy some party favors?
Ben: So it’s true. The straight laced academic star became a dealer.
Damien: Guilty.
Ben: I remember that paper you wrote comparing The Wire to The Iliad. Did not intend for English comp to be an occupational training course.

Ben: The thing with The Wire is that witnesses usually had evidence before they testified. I know you were the one who said you saw me and Serena at that B&B.
Damien: I told the truth.
Ben: Nothing happened between me and Serena that night. But I went to prison anyway.
Damien: You say potato, judge says pedophile.

Epperley: Maybe the striver thing is all an act. And maybe it’s just a coincidence that my coffee tasted like her perfume. I’m sure you know her better than I do.
Dan: Yeah, I do know her. I know that her kindergarten yearbook quote is “The a best defense is a good offense”.

Jeremiah Davis: I warn you, if the Krug is warmer than 55 degrees, I’m leaving.

Howard: I just got an interesting phone call from Reina Thorpe. Did you tell Chuck to have me fired? Let me guess, you thought I’d embarrass you.
Nate: The Thorpes are trying to take over Bass Industries. We thought they might be using you just to get information.
Howard: I’m a grown man, Nate. And I’m actually good at what I do. Chuck is family. I would never do anything to jeopardize things for him.
Nate: You do realize that’s a total contradiction though. Being Chuck’s family and working for the Thorpes.
Howard: Word around the office is he’s banging Thorpe’s daughter. Talk about sleeping with the enemy.
Nate: But that’s Chuck’s decision, okay? And whatever happens is on him and him alone. You need this second chance. You can’t go down in another scandal.
Howard: So you’re getting me fired instead? All those nights in prison, when I thought I couldn’t take it. When I wanted to quit or die or… I didn’t. Because I knew there was still one person out there who believed in me.

Ben: Hey, I know what it feels like when you think you’ve got no one to turn to.
Eric: Who the hell are you?
Ben: I’m Ben. Serena’s—
Eric: Non-rapist but still technically ex-con former teacher. You have taken up a lot of time over the dinner table at our house.
Ben: I’m sure all that drama has been overshadowing what’s going on in everyone else’s life. Especially yours.
Eric: No offense, man. But mind your own business.
Ben: When I got locked up I… befriended some not very good guys. I found out the hard way.
When you do things that betray who you are, it can become very difficult to recognize yourself. I don’t want to see that happen to you.

Ben: Serena, it’s a lot easier for me to start over without any reminders from my past.
Serena: Why? I saw you talking to Eric and it reminded me of what you were like at boarding school.
Ben: I’m not that person anymore.
Serena: Yes, you are.
Ben: You know why I’ve been avoiding you? Because I see that look in your eye and I know exactly what that means. But I don’t want to be with you. I didn’t reciprocate back then and I don’t now. I’m sorry.

Blair: Epperley?
Epperley: It’s 9:20. Where are you?
Blair: What are you talking about? You fired me.
Epperley: Yes, and then Dan confessed that you were the one that called Jeremiah and took the credit, and then staged that whole wrestling stunt to embarrass you. I was totally wrong about him. If you’re going to be a backstabber just stab some backs, you know?

Rufus: You deserve a real shot at getting back on your feet again. And that’s gonna be tough to do living in a halfway house. I have an extra room at my loft and I’d love it if you’d move in. After everything that’s happened it’s the least we can do.
Ben: I haven’t experienced a lot of kindness lately. I gotta think about it, but it sounds good.

Russell: We’re old friends. You’re doing a bang-up job. I should have told you about my plans for Bass Industries but I, ah, didn’t want to put you in a compromising position.
Howard: I completely understand. And I can assure you there are no conflicts anymore. Whatever you need, I’m your guy.

Reina: I told you who I was when we met. I don’t play games. In business or in my personal life. My father is going to do everything humanly possible to acquire Bass Industries. It’s not a secret, it’s a fact.
Chuck: I know. I apologize for losing sight of that. Look, you’re a beautiful girl who says what’s on her mind and isn’t afraid of the consequences. I don’t want to stop seeing you. I can handle the complications if you can.
Reina: Hm. I think complications are the least of what I can handle. But there is a man in a towel in my bathroom now. So… maybe another time.

Ben: Stay away from Serena, stay away from her family.
Damien: What do you care? Those people ruined your life, not me. You actually like her.
Ben: How I feel about Serena is none of your damn business. The only thing you should be worried about is disappearing.

View all quotes from this episode

Panic Roommate

Gossip Girl: A wise woman once said that every morning when you wake up you say a little prayer. After all, you never know what your day may hold.
Reina Thorpe: Sorry, I only have an hour before my next meeting.
Chuck: Hm. We’ve got no time to waste.
…From a warm goodbye.
Epperley Lawrence: Ten things I need done in an hour. Sorry, fashion week is starting.
…To a chilly hello.
Voice Mail Lady: You have no new messages.
From quiet solitude…. To surprise company.
PO: Hi. I’m here for the home inspection.
Dan: Home inspection for what?
Rufus: Ah. Sorry we’re late. You must be Ben’s parole officer.
…The day waits for no one.

Epperley: I guess in addition to everything I have to do this week, I will spend your entire performance review tomorrow discussing your inability to finish your tasks in a timely fashion. {she storms off}

Blair: [M]aybe all I have to do to get Epperley off my back is to get her on hers.
Intern: Last time I checked the intern packet, I don’t think “Pimp Daddy” was included in the description of duties.

Russell Thorpe: I have to get back to the office. But I think it’s nice—a Bass and a Thorpe to be seen working together, breaking bread. Besides. There’s nothing my daughter doesn’t tell me.

Ben: I can’t believe you remembered.
Serena: I remember everything you’ve read to me. In case you haven’t noticed I don’t really let go of things so easily.

Epperley Lawrence: Trouble. Florence is stuck at JFK because The Machine’s flight is delayed.

Reina: Chuck, I know you’re trying to make me feel guilty about buying the Palace and firing all these nice people. But business is business. You know that. What’s with the show?

Ben: Look, I’m sorry that I’ve been… how I’ve been. I just spent the last three years blaming you for where I thought you put me.
Serena: And now here you are, somewhere else that I put you. Is that a problem?
Ben: No, actually. I’m beginning to think I’m supposed to be here.

Ben: Look, Dan. I know you’re just looking out for Serena. And I understand your concern, I do. But you have nothing to worry about. I swear.

Ben: I never meant for Juliet to do what she did. I’ve even told her to give me some space.
Dan: Well maybe you should tell her again. I saw she called you.
Ben: Because it’s my mom’s birthday. That’s the only reason. Like it or not they’re the only family I have. I’m not going to lose them.

Reina: I missed my meeting.
Chuck: Was I worth it?
Reina: I’ll let you know.
Chuck: I took the liberty of reserving my old suite. Perhaps after the show we could continue our tour upstairs.
Reina: Only on the condition that you show me something first. Your hiding place. From when you were a little boy.
Chuck: Did Nate tell you?
Reina: I grew up in a hotel too, remember? So can I see it?
Chuck: It wouldn’t be so secret if I just showed it to you.
Reina: Fine. I guess I’ll just have to find it myself.

Russell: Chuck knew about the vote. He kept you away on purpose.
Reina: Is this true?

Serena: I don’t understand. It doesn’t make any sense. Why would Ben just come and hit you unprovoked.
Damien: Guy’s obviously got some serious anger issues.

Chuck: Reina, when we first met I was so desperate to save my father’s company I didn’t care what it took, who I had to betray. I thought if you fell for me you might find a way to spare it. But after spending today together, I realized how much I actually do care about you.
Reina: I’m so sorry, Chuck. There’s nothing you can ever say to make me trust you again. My father’s waiting for me.

Eric: So what say we go back to your place, pop in some Call of Duty and celebrate?
Damien: Listen man, I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I think we’re pretty much done here.
Eric: I don’t understand. I thought we were friends.
Damien: You’re my client. Former client, actually.
Eric: You were just using me to find where Ben was so you could get rid of him?
Damien: And now he’s gone and so am I. So… see ya.

Dan: I don’t know where to begin.
Ben: How about I’m sorry?
Dan: I didn’t think that would be enough.
Ben: I’m pretty easy.
Dan: Well then I’m sorry. Honestly I don’t know what I was thinking. I was jealous, I was angry… I cost you a night in jail.
Ben: What’s one more after three years. Thank you for calling my PO, setting the record straight. I’ll pack up my stuff.
Dan: No, you don’t have to move out. In fact I would like you to stay. I realize you’re someone I should trust, just like Serena said I should.
Ben: She said that?

Reina: A speechless Chuck Bass. Will wonders never cease?
Chuck: Honestly, I never thought you’d talk to me again.
Reina: Neither did I. Then I got a phone call from your friend Blair. Not a staged call. A real one. She told me you may have said all those things on the phone with her for the wrong reasons, but that you also meant them.
Chuck: When it comes to me, Blair has the nasty habit of never being wrong.
Reina: She said the same thing.

Blair: Did you get fired?
Epperley: No, of course not. The party was a huge success.
Blair: Are you having a psychotic break?
Epperley: No. But I am taking a break. I quit.

Russell: Reina, I have to ask. After last night do I have your full support to buy Bass Industries.
Reina: Yes. Under one condition.
Russell: Name it.
Reina: After the deal closes I want you to give Chuck a chance to be part of the new company.
Russell: I don’t need Chuck’s help to run Bass Industries.
Reina: Yes you do. You just don’t know it yet.

Damien: Archibald. Humphrey. What are you guys doing here?
Dan: Well we came looking for Eric.
Nate: We ran into your dad instead. He’s a nice guy. I mean, at least he was to us. How he is to you after what we told him might be different story.
Damien: Wait! You guys realize what you’ve done? My dad’s gonna cut me off!

Ben: You haven’t slept?
Serena: I couldn’t. Not until I knew you were safe. Last night at the party when everyone else doubted you I never did. Not for a second. And I never will.
Ben: What about your family? What if us being together drives them all away?
Serena: I don’t think it will but that’s a risk I’m willing to take if you are.

View all quotes from this episode

It-Girl Happened One Night

Reina Thorpe: I’m glad you agreed to this brunch with Chuck and Lily. It shows a lot of good faith on their part. I mean we came in with guns blazing and they responded with an olive branch.
Russell Thorpe: More like olive bread. I agreed to a meal, Reina. That’s it. I don’t trust the Basses.

Dan: How’s the job search going?
Ben: Having to check the “Have you ever committed a felony?” box kind of limits my options. But yours seem to be improving. I’m sorry if I overstepped, the article was just sitting there. Being single while living with a guy seeing your ex. You really nailed the awkwardness.
Dan: Yeah, well, it’s very fresh.
Ben: It’s a good thing Serena and I decided not to do anything for Valentine’s Day. Dan: I can’t afford to take her out anyway.
Well you already read how awkward I feel about this, but, um, with me she was always happy to just play pool and drink beer.
Ben: Right now I couldn’t even afford to do that.
Dan: Ah, well. You know when I used to work for a catering company. They could always use an extra hand around a holiday. I could make a call. It’s good money. And no offense, but judging from my past co-workers I think they have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy regarding felons.
Ben: Thanks. I appreciate that. And you, what’s next for the article?
Dan: Well I emailed my Condé Nast contact Epperley but I got an auto-response saying that she doesn’t work there anymore. So I gotta Facebook her.
Ben: I don’t know about the cater waiter me, but the teacher me thinks maybe you should step out from behind the computer and find out who the new Epperley is. Give her the article in person.
Dan: Hm. The new Epperley. I hadn’t thought about that.

Editor: Our inaugural It-Girl has to be special. As should her Valentine’s plans. Blair, you’re friends with Serena van der Woodsen?
Blair: Yes, well, Serena definitely is “It”, but what if there was someone fabulous that we could break ourselves? Someone like Reina Thorpe.
Editor: Daughter of Russell. I like it. Keep going.
Blair: Well she’s typically shy of publicity, which makes her an even bigger get. So if I could come through—
Editor: I’d recommend Stefano consider your trial period over.

Russell: But, ah, what makes you think people will show up? It sounds like you need a big marketing push just to get the word out.
Chuck: No marketing. I say where and when, people show up. If I can prove to you the Bass brand has a quantifiable worth, will you look at my business plan? It shows how you can keep the company together under the Bass name, with my involvement.
Russell: I’ll put a pin in my current plans for thirty-six hours. If this thing you’ve planned succeeds, we’ll talk.

Howard Archibald: I dug around accounting. Bass Industries is more profitable kept whole. So why is Thorpe determined to slice it up?
Chuck: Russell didn’t become a billionaire by making money-losing decisions.
Nate: Look, you told me he had an issue with Bart, right? So maybe it isn’t a business decision. Maybe it’s personal.

Serena: So you sound pretty excited about tomorrow. LIke maybe it’s not just another night of hanging out with Chuck, business-as-usual.
Reina: I guess that’s true. At first it was purely for the sex.
Serena: That’s Chuck.
Reina: No, I meant me.

Chuck: I’ll do whatever it takes to remain with the company. If Lily’s an obstacle, I’ll handle it.
Russell: Saying it is one thing, Chuck. Following through is an entirely different matter. The woman adopted you after your father died. She’s the only family you have.

Chuck: A few days ago this was pillow talk. Look at the ways you inspire me.
Reina: You’re the one who pulled it off. No one’s going to forget tonight.

Nate: You realize you’re the worst wingman ever.
Howard: That may be so, but I hope you’ll realize I’m trying to be a good father. I came here tonight to find Russell, say hello, and hand him my resignation.

Russell: I see you’re a man of your word.
Chuck: I said I’d get rid of Lily, I did.
Russell: Too bad words are overrated.
Chuck: What?
Russell: Now that Lily’s been ousted from the board it’s just you and me. And as much as I like you, I think I’ll like dismantling Bass Industries even more.

Chuck: You think Reina will keep you on that pedestal once she learns what you’ve done?
Russell: Go find out. I think you know how much family means to Reina. Just as she now knows how little it means to you.

Reina: Is this what you do? Wonderful things for people you care about before you turn on them?
Chuck: Look, you put family before all else. I can’t do that. My father was never there for me. My mother abandoned and then betrayed me. My uncle is my worst enemy. But maybe your father isn’t as perfect as you think.
Reina: What are you saying?
Chuck: He’s the reason I went after Lily. He pitted me against her.
Reina: So you’re trying to turn me against him?
Chuck: No—
Reina: Destroy my relationship? Nothing is sacred to you!
Chuck: That’s not true. You are sacred to me.
Reina: Until I do something you don’t like. And you turn on me too.

Howard: Lesson learned. Wall Street didn’t need a sequel. In the theaters or in my life.
Nate: Wish I’d been wrong about Thorpe.
Chuck: Wish I had a company I could put you in.
Howard: One good thing I realized tonight. I still got game. As soon as Russell fired me, I had to turn over my key card. So I gave him one. To the gym at the Empire. This is to Thorpe’s office. And this—all the passwords you need.

Ben: Thanks for coming. I should have told you I was waitering. I should have owned it.
Serena: Well I should have given you a chance and not put words in your mouth.

View all quotes from this episode

While You Weren’t Sleeping

Serena: Sorry if we kept you up last night. We were playing Scrabble.
Ben: She fell asleep to avoid losing.
Dan: Since when do you enjoy Scrabble?
Serena: Do you want some coffee? I made it.
Ben: Be careful. She makes it strong. She’s giving Staten Island Correctional a run for its money.

Serena: I should get going too. I agreed to a détente with my mom so I could help plan Eric’s eighteenth birthday party. And I can’t show up in yesterday’s clothes.
Ben: Well, tell him I say congratulations, and to be careful now that he’s old enough to be tried as an adult.
Serena: Actually I was hoping maybe you could come to the party and tell him yourself?
Ben: I’m not going to your mother’s, Serena. I’m not eating her food or drinking her wine or smiling and pretending that everything’s okay.
Serena: I know, I don’t forgive her either, I just—
Ben: We’ll hang out when you’re done.

Blair: New minion—
Emily: My name is Emily.
Dorota: She has no time to care.

Blair: Interns! Step in! Now since the new online blog is molding minds, I’ll do that myself. You will sort portfolios, draft editorial captions and research back—
Donna: Are you talking to me?
Blair: Of course not. Where are my interns?
Donna: They put in for transfers. Your management style was a little aggressive. One claims she has PTSD and threatened a lawsuit.

Ben: You can’t blame yourself. You can’t do this drug deal.
Eric: How else am I supposed to stop him from outing my mom? I did this. I’ve gotta fix it. Great birthday, right?

Ben: You can’t risk anyone else’s future to protect hers. The right thing to do here is nothing. Then the worst that happens is Lily pays for what she did. At least no one else will.
Serena: Ben, she’s my mother.
Ben: Who created this whole situation on her own. I think we should take a rain check on our afternoon.
Serena: Yeah.

Nate: The best way to get anywhere right now, is through the park.
Reina: You mean walk?
Nate: I’ll escort you. That way you won’t wander off into Sheep’s Meadow. Come on, trust me. It’ll be fast and it’s fun.
Reina: Okay then. Escort away. There aren’t really sheep there, right?
Nate: No. Just a lot of grass.

Nate: You know who gets really really good weed? Chuck.
Reina: This really is a day of firsts.

Russell: I hope you know I never meant for you to become collateral damage in this acquisition.
Lily: Oh, of course. I remember how important it was for you to keep your personal life and business separate.
Russell: You always understood me.

Dan: Hey. Is everything okay?
Ben: You have a visitor. Says her name is Vanessa.
Vanessa: Tell him I came to apologize and I’m happy to wait here until he gets back.
Ben: She says—
Dan: I heard, I heard. Tell her that I got all of her texts and her handwritten letters and I will be in touch when I’m ready.
Ben: He says— Do I really have to say that? Shouldn’t you just talk to her yourself?
Dan: No no no. Giving her the message myself will defeat the entire purpose of message.

Nate: Gloat all you want to, just… don’t tell anyone I danced to Tick Tock.
Reina: I wouldn’t call that dancing.

Nate: You know who likes ice cream? Chuck. He loves it.
Reina: Nate. I know what you’ve been trying to do all day.
Nate: You do?
Reina: Mm hm.

Rufus: Lily, what the hell is going on?
Russell: Nice to see you again, Rufus.
Rufus: You think I’m a fool? I know what went on between the two of you. And it looks like it’s still going.
Lily: Please. This is not the time.
Rufus: You’re the one who invited him to Eric’s eighteenth birthday party.
Russell: Actually I was just leaving.
Lily: You know, some men know how to behave appropriately at social events. Russell, I’m so sorry. I’ll call you later.

Damien: That’s Delgaard. Two a’s after the g.
Serena: Why are you doing this?
Damien: Angry cokeheads.

Russell: Brad, I’m sorry he dragged you into this. Let me buy you a real dinner.
Brad: I think I’ll stay. Hear young Mr. Bass out. The only thing I hate more than being lied to, is being cheated.
Russell: You’re making a mistake.

Dan: What are you doing here? This is Serena’s brother’s birthday party. It’s not okay for you to just show up here.
Vanessa: All I want to do is apologize for the part I played in what happened to her. I had no idea that that was Juliet’s plan. And you know me, Dan. I would never be okay with things going that far.
Dan: Yeah, that’s what my sister said before she did the right thing and came clean. You, on the other hand, pointed the finger at her and left town.

Emma: I really loved your blog though.
Blair: The blog? What? I completely forgot.
Emma: Well all that stuff about servants being like belts and purses, overpriced and interchangeable. It was really funny. Or… mean.
Blair: Wait, was there something about admitting you need help from friends?
Emma: “Friends are the fashion fundamentals.” See, you did right it!
Blair: Well of course. Who else could turn minions into a metaphor.

Damien: Well well well. If it’s not my favorite ex-con to run into in dark alleys.
Ben: If you ever use that information about Lily, I’ll have you killed.
Damien: That’s a tad melodramatic, don’t you think?
Ben: Well that’s up for you to decide. While you’re walking around, wondering if that guy behind you is the ex-con I got to do the job. Those guys I had beat up Howard Archibald? Only stopped after ten minutes because I told them to. It takes a hell of a lot less time to kill a man.
Damien: I always knew you read too much Shakespeare to be sane.

Ben: Damien won’t be bothering you anymore. I made it clear that I wouldn’t cooperate.

Serena: I can’t believe you did that for her.
Ben: I didn’t. I did it for you.

View all quotes from this episode

Empire of the Son

Blair: You’re doing it again.
Dorota: Something is different about you. I have a six sense.
Blair: You have no sense.
Dorota: You don’t come to me about any complaints about anything. You’re too happy. Content. I’m worried you join cult.
Blair: I have found my center that’s all. But—just to reassure you—here’s a complaint. Why haven’t you picked up my cocktail dress for Chuck’s party yet?

Chuck: Sorry, I didn’t come to gloat. I’ve just always been a multi-tasker.
Russell: Don’t you worry your victory lap might be premature?
Chuck: Why would I?
Russell: Thanks for my invitation, Chuck. And as for my daughter’s schedule, you might want to check with your buddy Nate Archibald. They’ve been spending a lot of time together these last few days. I see that’s something else you aren’t aware of.
Chuck: Meaning?
Russell: Your deal closes tomorrow. But you tell Lily I’ll see you both tonight.

Reina: Have you told Chuck about us yet?
Nate: We’re an us?
Reina: I like you. But I don’t want to come between you and your best friend. Even if that best friend is Chuck Bass. But we haven’t done anything yet, so you’re free to pull the chute and walk away if that’s what you want.
Nate: That’s not what I want. So I’ll talk to Chuck tonight.
Reina: In the spirit of full disclosure, there’s something you need to know about me. My dad and I… we’re Notre Dame fans.
Nate: Oh no. No, you can’t be. What are you talking about?
Reina: Uh huh. I guess kids are out of the question.

Cynthia: What’s she doing here?
Ben: Serena, this is my mother. Cynthia.
Serena: Hey, Mrs. Sharpe. I’m Serena. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
Cynthia: I wish I could say the same. Ben?
Ben: Remember, I told you Serena is friends with my roommate Dan. {to Serena} I’m sorry. He’s not here right now, but I’ll let him know that you stopped by.

Ben: I’m sorry. I should have given you a heads up. She got here a few days ago. That’s why I haven’t been able to return your calls.
Serena: And here I thought I was being paranoid.

Dorota: Don’t want to make you late to…. What exhibit is it again?
Blair: Joseph Beuys. Why?
Dorota: Maybe I could go with you.
Blair: You don’t even know who he is!
Dorota: He created term “social sculpture” to illustrate idea of art’s potential to transform society.
Blair: How do you know that?
Dorota: From Mr. Humphrey’s New York magazine I found in your room!
Blair: Just what are you implying?
Dorota: Your new secrecy, calmness with Mr. Chuck, supporting Miss Serena’s new boyfriend. And last week I find NOVA documentary in your Netflix queue!
Blair: What are you doing in my queue?!
Dorota: You and Lonely Boy are having affair!
Blair: We are not. We have gone to a few things together. It started other the holidays. It’s no big deal.
Blair: No big deal? We have to tell Miss Serena.
Dorota: We will do no such thing!

Serena: Most people’s favorite pizza in Manhattan is John’s, but I’ve always been partial to Joe’s—
Cynthia: I’m lactose-intolerant.

Ben: So if you haven’t already guessed, Serena and I are more than just friends.
Cynthia: You think I don’t know? Why’d you think I came to New York?
Ben: How’d you figure it out?
Cynthia: It doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re giving up any chance of getting your life back for her.
Ben: I knew you were going to say that.
Cynthia: Because it’s the truth.

Blair: You were right. This is a much better idea than spending the day pretending to like some German pedagogue of art. I’m going to shop until you drop.
Dorota: This could happen at any time.

Reina: How many times do I have to tell you, he isn’t like you.
Chuck: Maybe not yet. But if I’m right, he’s about to cross the line. You can stop him, Reina. you can stop him, Reina. If you care about him, you’ll do this.
Reina: I would never confront him based on your word alone.
Chuck: I’m not asking you to.

Vanessa: Serena, you should be careful. His sister made me think she was someone else too.

Ben: After all this time you still don’t trust me? What do I need to do that I haven’t done already?
Serena: Be honest with me.
Ben: I have!
Serena: Okay. But what about Nate’s dad?
Ben: I had that done. Yeah. Do you know how many things I haven’t told you about my time in prison? things that I just want to forget?
Serena: Look, I know what you were going through. But to have someone attacked—
Ben: Do not tell me that you understand what I went through.

Lily: Ben didn’t steal the affidavit. You did.
Cynthia: Mr. Thorpe contacted me and said that if I could get Ben to turn on you then he could get Ben his life back. Of course he didn’t listen, but it didn’t matter. Because he’d already let it slip. About the affidavit.
Lily: Ben will never forgive you for what you’ve done.
Cynthia: Well as parents, sometimes we have to make those tough choices. After all, isn’t that what you told yourself?

Chuck: I have guests downstairs.
Russell: And I have the final nail for your coffin. It’s just a copy of course. Perjury, obstruction of justice. Bribery of public officials.
Chuck: Why don’t we cut right to it.
Russell: That I can do. You sign over Bass Industries once and for all or I’ll destroy you and your entire family. {Chuck pauses.} I’m surprised you even have to think it over.
Chuck: I wasn’t thinking, I was waiting.
Russell: For what?
Reina: me. He was right about you. This whole time. He was right.
Chuck: I’d follow her if I were you.
Russell: No. He signs over the company right now or you’re going to jail.
Lily: Maybe. But not because of you or anyone else. I called the DA ten minutes ago. Rufus is waiting in the car to take me downtown.

Russell: Don’t you even want to know why? Why I was willing to sacrifice my own daughter just to destroy your precious little legacy?
Chuck: Because Lily left you for my father.
Russell: I think you know me better than that by now. Did Reina ever talk about her mother?

Nate: Finding out your father isn’t the person you grew up idolizing sucks, but it doesn’t mean he loves you any less.
Reina: Then what does it mean?
Nate: It means that he’s human.

Reina: When I was a little girl he was larger than life. Like Superman.
Nate: Yeah, but doesn’t it make you feel a little better to know that he wasn’t?
Reina: You’re smarter than you look, Archibald.
Nate: I get that a lot.

Ben: You ever have a dream that feels so real, when you wake up you just want to lie there with your eyes closed and hold on to it? I barely remember being a teacher at Knightley. Being with you, makes it feel real. Because you remember.
Serena: I do.
Ben: But maybe it’s time for me to open my eyes. Let it go.
Serena: You mean let me go.
Ben: I obviously have a lot to figure out.
Serena: Well that guy that I fell for at Knightley, you’re still him. And I can see that even if you can’t. I don’t know, maybe one day you will too.

Chuck: You’re lying.
Russell: Oh believe me, I wish I were. Because of your father my wife is dead.

Lily: I know it doesn’t make up for anything—far from it. But it’s a start. A fresh start.
Ben: Thank you.

Rufus: I suggest you leave. I’m not the only one who remembers why you were run out of town after your last visit.
Will: I appreciate your concern, Rufus. I tell you what, I’ll let Cece explain everything. She’s flying in as soon as she can.
Rufus: What?
Will: I don’t think Lily quite realizes what she’s in for. It’s time to circle the wagons, Rufus. It’s what we do best.

Reina: I know Lily turned herself in, but that doesn’t change anything between us.
Russell: I wasn’t expecting it to. I just hope one day that you’ll forgive me.

View all quotes from this episode

The Kids Stay in the Picture

Nate: You okay?
Reina: It’s surreal. Everything happening to Lily is because of my dad, and I kind of feel like it’s all my fault.
Nate: Look. It probably woulda happened sooner or later anyway.

Cece: Oh darling! Oh you look lovely in your mug shot. It was smart of you to turn yourself in so you could make sure your hair was done.
Lily: Yes mother. That’s why I did it.

Blair: Take that away, Dorota! I can’t eat! I only rang to tell you to call the doctor. I think I have consumption.
Dorota: Consumption not since nineteenth century. They have vaccine.
Blair: Well then I’m dying of malaise!

Lily: I can’t believe you asked Carol here without clearing it with me first.
Cece: What’s to ask? You’re her sister! And besides, I knew you’d say no.

Serena: Charlie, oh my god! Well, Charlotte! {they hug} Oh my gosh! Your mom didn’t tell me you were here.
Charlotte: That’s because she doesn’t know.

Cece: Boys, William may have a solution.
Rufus: Imagine that.

Blair: Those Setters are better-looking than the Suttons.
Epperley: Oh… but they love each other anyway. Just proving that everyone has their soul mate.
Blair: Yeah. Did you join a cult in Bali?

Blair: Well. I just did recently have a moment of perspective myself. But thankfully I didn’t have to go to an ashram to have it.
Epperley: What happened?
Blair: I kissed someone. And it was truly a life-changing experience.
Epperley: Do tell.
Blair: I just did. That was it. But the point is, that one kiss changed me.

Carol: You might be Upper East Side blue blood and I might be Florida bohemian, but at bottom the Rhodes sisters are still badasses from the Valley.

Cece: Funny, wanting nothing to do with the superficial world hasn’t deterred you from taking my money
Carol: Oh, you got what you paid for, Mother. I showed up, I was as supportive and I could possibly be, and now I’m leaving.
Cece: I send you a check every month. You will stay for this photo.
Carol: That wasn’t part of the deal.

Blair: You’re late.
Dorota: And you’re glowing. Why make me bring overnight bag including La Perlas?
Blair: Because. I’m going to tell that certain someone my true feelings tonight. And if everything goes as I hope, I don’t want to be caught in last year’s Chantelle.
Dorota: I don’t think Dan Humphrey will no difference.
Blair: Dan Humphrey? What are you talking about?
Dorota: The reason you take to bed. Shame from emotional affair with Lowly Boy.
Blair: It’s “Lonely Boy.” And it wasn’t an affair, just a kiss. Which made me see how much I wished it was with Chuck.

Reina: Having to say it out loud this morning made me realize, if I’m estranged from my dad… I really have no one.

Lily: Finds out about what?
Cece: That I’m not happy with my hair. It’s too flat.
Lily: Mother, your hair is enormous.

Will: Lily, I did not sabotage the photo shoot. I hope that you realize that.
Lily: Oh, I’m not even sure I care if you did. I mean let’s face it, me, Cece and Carol all in the same room. The night was doomed to be apocalyptic.

Lily: I did not reject you. All I ever wanted was your approval.
Carol: Well you got it now. Turning yourself in. Not giving a damn what people think. That’s my Lily.
Lily: Will you come visit me in prison?
Carol: I will smuggle you pot brownies.

Nate: You still thinking about your mom?
Reina: Yes. But not for the reason you think. My dad always said she never tried to contact us. But I can’t help but wonder, since he lied about so much stuff…
Nate: Maybe he lied about her too. You could find out for sure, you know. You can look for her.

View all quotes from this episode

Petty in Pink

Dorota: Miss Blair, you have not taken off that shoe since it arrived. You must rest your feet.
Blair: There’s no time for rest! Didn’t you read Louis’ note? He wants to spend the day with me and we still haven’t picked out the perfect dress.

Serena: Hey Mom. We’re back from our tour of the best pastry shops in Manhattan.
Charlie: I did a Linzer tart taste test.
Eric: I had three espressos and then I picked a fight with a barista.

Dorota: This say “sexy and smart.”
Blair: No. It says “let’s skip dinner and make a sex tape.” Keep looking.

Louis: Bonjour Blair. C’est Louis. Did you get the package I sent you?
Blair: Of course I did. Although I must say I was a bit surprised. I thought you’d never want to see me again after the way I left you in Paris.
Louis: No, not at all. Unless the reason you left Paris is still in your life.
Blair: Ah. No. No, he isn’t. That’s over.

Penelope: She won’t say who it is. I know someone who can find out for us.

Charlie: Okay, so the idea is that we search the Gossip Girl archives for evidence of Dan and Blair sneaking around so you know for sure if Vanessa’s telling the truth.
Serena: That’s the basic idea.
Charlie: And… I’m sorry. I’m still new at this. How is that better than just asking them?
Serena: Well because if Vanessa is lying and it isn’t true, then I’m a horrible friend for believing her. But if it is true then they’re horrible friends for not telling me.

Charlie: Dan’s standing outside of some restaurant called Veselka. But he’s definitely acting weird.
Serena: Veselka. And guilty weird or hungry weird? The man loves his pierogies.
Charlie: You know, I’m not very good at this. Maybe you should just come down here and see for yourself.
Serena: See, I can’t. That’s the double-edged sword of Gossip Girl. I’d be spotted.

Serena: Blair wasn’t with Dan. She was with a guy named Louis Grimaldi. They met in Paris last summer.
Charlie: But I saw Dan go in.
Serena: You’ve met so many people in such a short amount of time. Anyone would get confused.
Charlie: I remember him. I’m telling you, it was Dan.

Reina: All I know about my mom is her name is Avery Thorpe and she had me when she was twenty-two.
Nate: Maybe you should talk to Chuck about this. He went through something very similar.
Reina: I’m not ready to discuss this with anyone but you.

Vanessa: Hi.
Dan: Ah, the warm greeting of a friendship off the tracks. Come on, Vanessa. I’m making an effort here.
Vanessa: Apologies for being thrown by your sunny attitude. You’ve made it pretty clear that you’re done with me.

Vanessa: So all my heartfelt attempts to save our friendship had no impact, but the aroma of cheese and dough turned you instantly sentimental?
Dan: They do say that sense of smell is most associated with memory.

Vanessa: What are you doing by NYU? Don’t you have off Fridays?
Dan: Yeah, I do, but I got this writing job down here and then I realized that it was a conflict of interest so I quit.

Lily: So is someone else bringing items for the gift bags?
Ann Archibald: I’m so sorry, Lily. Helping out was a lovely thought, but with the party for the breast cancer research foundation being tonight, we felt it would just be easier to do the gift bags at Blaine’s during prep.
Lily: Well, I’m disappointed, of course. But the success of the event is the priority.
Ann Archibald: Would you mind asking Vanya to send over the food? I would hate for it to go to waste. You know how Trumps love their tea sandwiches.

Blair: Is everything okay?
Louis: That was Lucien, my royal advisor. I’m afraid I’ve been found out. My parents have been informed and Lucien’s on a plane now to escort me back to Paris.
Blair: I don’t understand. Just because you wanted a weekend away in New York?
Louis: The truth is I’m here to see you. I’ve mentioned you many times since this summer, but my parents don’t approve. You are a commoner.
Blair: Well have they seen Princess Stephanie’s husbands? I’m not a circus performer.

Louis: The royal birthright has many strings attached. When my advisor discovered I was in New York, he hired one of your friends to follow me.
Blair: I will see to it personally that Penelope is deported to a desperate Third World country. Preferably someplace with Sharia law.
Louis: It was a man. He saw us at Veselka.
Blair: Dan Humphrey? He wouldn’t do that.
Louis: Lucien probably made him a very good offer. I was a fool to think I’d be allowed to follow my heart, even if only for a few days.

Chuck: Have you figured out what you’re going to say to this woman? Do you want me to come along? I know we’ve been on opposing teams for awhile, but… I’ve been through this. Maybe I could be helpful.
Reina: Actually, yeah. I’d appreciate that. I really hope it’s my mom, Chuck.
Chuck: Me too.

Charlotte: And what do we do when they get here? It’s not like they’re going to be holding hands in front of everyone.
Serena: Oh the thrill of a secret affair is the sneaking around. Trust me, they won’t be able to resist slipping away for a moment together.
Charlotte: And when we see them slip away?
Serena: You follow them. Record what you see and send it to Gossip Girl. Their secret ends tonight.

Jessica: Okay, Blair, is it Jason Simos?
Penelope: He’s my boyfriend, Jessica.
Jessica: A handy at Greenhouse doesn’t make him your boyfriend.
Penelope: Maybe Serena knows who Blair’s secret boyfriend is.
Serena: No, but the curiosity is killing me.
Blair: Okay. I’ll tell you. {to the minions} Not you. Scatter. Twenty paces minimum. No overhears. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when they find out it’s the prince. {to Charlie} You are not to breathe a word of this. Normally you’d have to sign a non-disclosure agreement. I’m only grandfathering you in because of Serena.
Charlie: That him right over there? Don’t understand why you guys are ignoring each other.
Blair: That’s because you’re from Florida.
Serena: Oh. Hey. It’s Dan.
Charlie: With a really nice tie too.

Reina: You were right. It was a mistake to look. And as far as I’m concerned my mother is dead.

Charlie: No no. Don’t let Sarah Palin ruin it for you. Alaska is amazing.
Dan: I don’t know. But between Into the Wild and that Werner Herzog movie with the grizzly, I don’t think it’s for me.

Dan: What do I do when cornered by a bear?
Charlie: Go fetal. Cover your neck.

Lily: I’m surprised. I thought we were friends.
Anne: Why? You don’t know how to be a friend. You shut me out when I called off my divorce to the Captain. There’s not a woman in this room who didn’t take some pleasure in your downfall. Myself included. So enjoy the party, Lily. This will be your last. Oh, and you may want to adjust your dress. Your monitor’s showing.

Penelope: Blair Waldorf and Dan Humphrey. This is even better than my parents’ divorce. Please tell me it’s true.

Charlie: I saw the kiss. I think you really like her.
Dan: You might be right. I’ve been trying to convince myself that I could handle being friends with her, but I realized tonight that I can’t.
Charlie: I know from experience what it’s like to watch from the outside as someone else walks away with the person you want.
Dan: Yeah, I just never thought the person I want would be Blair Waldorf.
Charlie: Neither did Serena. She just thought some girl named Vanessa was messing with her.
Dan: Wait, Vanessa told her about this kiss, not Chuck?
Charlie: She left her a message. Saying she overheard you and Blair talking about it.

Charlie: Alright. I’ve taken up enough of your time tonight. So thanks for hearing me out

Blair: I’ve just stood up in front of everyone that matters in New York society and said I was dating Dan Humphrey. I committed social suicide for you.
Louis: Serena told me you’ve been having an affair with him.
Blair: She misunderstood. We’ve been friends. That’s all. You have to believe me, you’re the only man in my life now. The only man I want there anyway.
Louis: I believe you.

Louis: Are you ready to go public, my family be damned?
Blair: I’m ready if you are.

Vanessa: Hi. I figured if you were beat we could just hang here.
Dan: Actually, I was planning on standing you up. I know you told Serena about the kiss with Blair.

PI: Your dad gave me these security tapes after the [Kenborough] Building burned down and asked me to lock them away. This one is from eight pm the night of the fire.
Chuck: What’s on it?
PI: Bart. having an argument with a woman—Avery Thorpe. Then Avery goes into the building and Bart hurries away.
Chuck: Okay. So?
PI: Moments later the building goes up in flames. And Avery Thorpe is never heard from again.

View all quotes from this episode

The Princesses and the Frog

Blair: Oh, no way. I will defend New York City to the death, but you cannot seriously say you prefer the Met to the Louvre.
Louis: I do. I would trade all the Delacroixes and Davids for just an hour in front of that [ ] on the second floor.
Blair: Our first disagreement.
Louis: I know.

Blair: I’m sure his parents have their hearts set on an empire-expanding union with a hapless Hapsburg, but luckily they’re in Botswana and won’t be back for two weeks. During which time, the European media will fall in love with me and win the commoners to my cause.
Dorota: Yesterday she watch Monaco play PSG at actual sports bar.

Charlie: I’m babbling aren’t I?
Dan: No. Well yeah you are. But enthusiasm is great.

Louis: I do need to tell you something. I didn’t tell you before because I didn’t want to scare you away. It may be too much.
Blair: Too much is just enough. Is it something I need a bikini for?

Princess Sophia: Louis! Qu’est ce que tu fais?
Louis: Mamon. What are you—?
Blair: Your royal highness. Hello. I’m Blair. Waldorf.
Princess Sophia: What are you thinking? Out there all night with an American. Getting your picture taken?
Louis: I can explain.
Princess Sophia: It is unacceptable in any case. Especially for a young man who is about to be married.
Louis: Blair, please. Please let me explain.
Blair: I should have known not to believe.

Dorota: Maybe you hear wrong. Maybe she say “carry”. Maybe he getting carried.
Blair: That doesn’t even make sense. I trusted him! I allowed myself to feel things that I only felt for you-know-who. And he lied. A big, terrible Upper East-Sized lie.
Dorota: Where he staying? Royal or no, Vanya go over there, do some damage Eastern European-style. {Louis walks in} Maybe I do damage myself!

Blair: Seriously? You think flowers make up for the fact that you’re engaged?
Louis: I’m not engaged yet. This is what I wanted to tell you. The royal court feels I should be married before taking my rightful place as Albert’s heir.
Blair: What? Well that’s outdated and old-fashioned and just… idiotic.
Louis: Well so is monarchy. But it’s important to my family. And they’re important to me. So…
Blair: How long ’til you have to choose?
Louis: To punish me for publicly dating you, my mom has flown in her top ten candidates for a cocktail party tomorrow. And they’re demanding I choose.
Blair: So by tomorrow night you’ll be engaged to someone else.
Louis: I’ve been to a million balls and ski trips with the women who will be there tomorrow night. But I’ve never connected to any of them like I have with you.
Blair: What are you saying?
Louis: That I want you to be on mother’s list too.
Blair: If I was chosen?
Louis: We could go [ ? ] wearing rings.
Blair: Well. In real life it’s far too soon to consider that type of thing. But in fairytales…. Just, tell this maiden what she has to do to get to the ball.
Louis: I told my mother I’d agree to go to the party if she’d agree to meet you. She’s waiting for you back at the salon. If she approves all you have to do is impress the royal court tomorrow.
Blair: Well then I promise to wow the tiara right off her head.

Reina: Nate, what’s going on? You surprise me with this dinner and all you talk about is sports.
Nate: What? Come on! The season’s just started. Spring fever is an actual disease you know.
Reina: It feels like ever since that failed attempt to meet my mother you’ve been avoiding talking about it. Her. I gotta admit, I didn’t think you’d scare so easy.
Nate: Reina, I didn’t mean— Look, I’m not scared. Okay? I want to be supportive.
Reina: Then what is it?

Nate: I think some things are better left unfound. I don’t want you to get hurt.
Reina: My mother is a part of who I am. I need to know why she left, what happened to her. So I don’t need you or anyone else trying to protect me from the truth.
Nate: Reina, I—
Reina: Thank you for dinner, Nate. But I have some work I need to catch up on back at the office.

Vanessa: Dan’s been my best friend since third grade and I can’t leave unless I know he’s okay.
Charlie: I’ll make sure he takes his vitamins.
Vanessa: Let me help you. I can’t leave Dan in the hands of Serena or, even worse, Blair Waldorf. I just, I want Dan to be with a girl who’s not going to corrupt his soul.

Blair: I would never bring ignominy to Louis.
Princess Sophia: Oh really? Seems to me that scandal is your middle name. You blackmail teachers, bully underclassmen, a pregnancy scare. You dated Lord Marcus while he was sleeping with his step-mother. Then you were traded by Chuck Bass—whose name precedes him—for an hôtel. I think this meeting is over.

Chuck: My father and Avery Thorpe were having an affair.
Andrew: And she was going to leave him. Go back to Russell. That’s your motive. The tapes show opportunity and we already know that Bart admitted he was responsible for the fire , so—
Chuck: Well at least you can’t hang a dead man.
Andrew: I’m sorry Chuck. I know you didn’t want your father to be guilty. But maybe now you can move on.

Dan: I really like you, I do. I mean you’re smart and you’re cool. And kind of a spaz in a great way.
Charlie: Thank you?
Dan: But I’m just, I’m not looking for a relationship right now.
Charlie: No kidding. You’re barely over the Blair weirdness. Never mind for Serena to be as mad as she was about the kiss. I’m not thinking of anything but friends.
Dan: Okay. Great. That’s a relief.

Charlie: Okay, caviar and paté should be out soon. I just need to check one thing with the sommelier.
Eric: Ah, there’s a sommelier! Okay, your Fonzi jacket was a better idea than this.

Charlie: I can’t believe I ruined everything. I was only doing what Vanessa told me to do.
Dan: Wait. Vanessa?

Chuck: You look familiar. Didn’t you, me and a stewardess get to know each other intimately over Lithuania?
Princess Sophia: Excuse me? I am Princess Sophia Grimaldi of Monaco.
Chuck: Ah yes. Blair’s future mother-in-law.

Reina: All my life I thought my mother didn’t love me.
Nate: Reina I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. There was insurance money. A lot of it. Bart probably paid your father off not to say anything to the police but he should have told you years ago.
Reina: He didn’t tell me because he knew the truth was worse than the fiction.

Reina: If you want to remain friends with him then you’re going to have to get out now. I mean it. Get out!

Charlie: Now I’m not only the loser who’s responsible for ruining your dad’s job possibility, I’m also the loser who lied to you about liking you as a friend.
Dan: Well. Sounds like you learned your first lesson being an Upper East Sider. It’s time for your second lesson. Face your enemies. Are you ready for your first showdown?

Blair: I get it, Louis. Tonight was a disaster. You can save your sweet, remorseful breakup. I know.
Louis: I overheard your conversation with Serena. And I want you to choose joy in your life. More than that I want to be the one who gives you joy.
Blair: Your family is never going to approve me. Not now.
Louis: Forget them. I spent my whole life doing what they wanted. Being who they groomed me to be. But if you’re willing to fight for your happiness then I’m willing to fight for mine. I brought this to give to you after you had the royal court’s approval. But without it, it means even more.
Blair: I’ve seen all the movies, Louis. If you don’t get engaged to someone they want then they’ll find a way to make sure you never ascend to the throne.
There’s no point in being the head of state if it means I can’t follow my heart. Louis: Blair, will you marry me?

Charlie: Because of you I got Per Se to cater, rented crystal. Needless to say it didn’t work out. I was humiliated.
Vanessa: What are you talking about? I told you to have a nice, relaxed low-key night.
Charlie: Yeah. That’s not what he thinks. He’s under the impression you tried to sabotage me.
Vanessa: Why would you do that? I was trying to help you get Dan.
Charlie: And you have. I’ve read Gossip Girl enough to know that Dan can’t resist a damsel in distress. And you happen to make a perfect villain. Come on, Vanessa. If you actually knew how to get Dan you wouldn’t be running away to study abroad. Don’t worry though. I’ll take good care of him while you’re gone.

View all quotes from this episode

Shattered Bass

Serena: Really? You’re trying me again? Does that seem like it’s going to work?
Vanessa: You answered.
Serena: You’re right. My bad.
Vanessa: Wait, I know you don’t like me but can you at least acknowledge that everything I told you was true?
Serena: Your point?
Vanessa: You didn’t need to have your cousin make me look like a crazy, jealous bitch to Dan.
Serena: Oh you don’t need any help with that.
Vanessa: She said I manipulated her to ruin Rufus’ business dinner. You’re telling me that innocent cousin Charlie came up with that by herself?
Serena: I’m saying you probably did whatever she said you did. If Charlie’s fighting back, good for her. She’s learning.

Dan: I thought we were going to have breakfast.
Charlie: This is breakfast. When I was little Sour Patch Kids were pretty much my best friends. Them and books.
Dan: Books? Me too. What was your favorite.
Charlie: I could try to be cool and make something up, but if I were honest… Flowers in the Attic. My copy literally fell apart.
Dan: Really? What was it that you loved most, exactly? Was it the gripping tale of teen incest or just the general fine quality of the prose?

Cyrus Rose (Wallace Shawn): So. Here comes the future princess! Now. What does that make us I wonder.
Blair: Well. As of now, nothing. In choosing me, Louis gave up his succession rights.
Eleanor Waldorf (Margaret Colin): Well fortunately we are here to throw you an engagement party so hopefully we can fix that.

Reina: You must be Jack. Thank you for getting here so quickly.
Jack Bass: It was nothing. Your father and I go way back. Which won’t stop me from inviting you to have this little chat somewhere more comfortable. Like your hotel room.
Reina: I
see the Bass family resemblance.

Jack Bass: While I love making my nephew suffer, what—besides entertainment—is in it for me?
Reina: The reins of Bass Industries.
Jack: You know all the right things to say, don’t you?

Nate: What the hell?
Reina: Nate. I’m sure you know Jack.
Nate: Yes, unfortunately I do. But why do you?
Jack: I’ll be in touch to discuss details. {to Nate} I should have known you’d still be dining on my nephew’s leftovers.
Nate: You brought in Jack Bass?

Rufus: Hey. Your mom called and she was concerned that you were due for a refill on your medication, didn’t get it.
Charlie: Shoot. I was so excited about going to the fundraiser tonight with Dan that I forgot to pick it up on my way home. I’ll go right now.
Rufus: I already did. Ah, your mom told me that last time things went well you stopped taking it.
Charlie: And then they went from well to hell. Trust me, I never want that to happen again.

Sophia: New York is always so grey. Even in the spring. And the angles everywhere, they are so… harsh. I’ll be happy to be back in Monaco.
Blair: The Glenn Ligon America exhibit at the Whitney is definitely worth the trip. There’s nothing grey or angular there. Except for the building.
Sophia: I think I’ve had my fill of your city’s ugliness for this trip.

Blair: I was also thinking that we could go to my alma mater’s fundraiser tonight afterwards.
Sophia: Didn’t one of Caroline’s bastard children go to that school? Or was it Albert?

Sophie: She’s lying.
Louis: About losing weight?
Sophie: I had her followed. If you are going to give up the throne for this girl the least she can do is give up her bad habits for you. The first place she went after you asked her to marry you? To see Chuck Bass.

Charlie: I can’t believe how amazing these parties look.
Serena: Oh, that’s the Constance-St. Jude’s fundraiser. It’s a shame we’re missing it this year since my mom can’t go.
Charlie: Actually. Dan invited me.
Serena: Oh, that’s great.
Charlie: Are you sure? You said that you weren’t seeing him and I can call right now and cancel if you want.
Serena: Don’t be ridiculous. Dan and I are barely even talking.

Charlie: Um… I’ve never been to a black tie affair before. If only I had something to wear. Your mom’s been super-generous, but I can’t put a dress like that on her black card.
Serena: Wait, what about your trust fund? You’re over eighteen. Why haven’t you gotten it yet?
Charlie: Maybe Grandma and my mom’s issues are worse than we thought.
Serena: No, I bet that that’s not it. My mom and Cece have basically gone Celebrity Rehab on one another and she’s never held it against me and Eric.

Jack: And all this time I thought you hated Bart because of his sunny personality.
Russell: I see you’ve spoken with my daughter.
Jack: And apparently you haven’t.
Russell: No, She’s holding on to some anger about this whole situation.
Jack: Can’t say I blame her. Doesn’t mean I want to do business with her.
Russell: Which is why you called me.
Jack: What Reina’s proposing suits me fine. It’s just, your daughter’s history with Chuck, Nate Archibald crashing our meeting looking like he just ran away from home. The whole thing feels messy. Juvenile.
Russell: I couldn’t agree more.

Russell: There’s one more thing. I believe there’s a box Chuck is protecting in his suite. I’m guessing it’s where Bart kept mementos, letters from my wife. It would mean the world to me if I could have those things for myself. I’ll make sure you’re well-compensated.
Jack: I’ll make sure you get a key.

Penelope: How can you have an engagement party without the Prince? Oh. Right. He’s not one anymore.
Blair: I invited you to attend not to speak.

Eleanor: Princess Sophie. Welcome to our tasteful and appropriate home.
Sophie: Thank you.
Cyrus: Now I’m a hugger. Hope you don’t mind!

Chuck: Your highness. You’ll forgive me if I’m too busy to bow.
Louis: I don’t appreciate the sarcasm. Or for that matter, anything else about you.
Chuck: Then we’re equal.
Louis: Except I’m not pursuing your fiancée. I know Blair came here to see you.
Chuck: Maybe your fiancée is pursuing me.
Louis: I highly doubt that.

Charlie: This is terrible. I can’t even decide how to wear my hair. Do your feet hurt after wearing heels all night? And does Dan dance? Do you prefer lipstick or lip gloss?
Serena: Okay. Breathe. Lipstick lasts longer but gloss is more fun. Dan does love to dance but he’s terrible at it—so no laughing. And your feet won’t hurt as long as you have just the right amount of champagne.

Sophie: Your stepfather is wonderful, Blair.
Blair: Yes. I loved him at first sight.
Eleanor: No you didn’t.

Sophie: Perhaps I judged you too harshly after the consulate affair. Cyrus has told me of your job at W and your straight A average, all while dedicating yourself to avian welfare.
Cyrus: You would never let a duck go hungry.

Louis: Blair, I know you saw Chuck.
Blair: Well I… I wanted him to hear about our engagement from me.
Louis: Twice.
Blair: And I had to warn him that his evil uncle was in town.
Louis: All of which sounds so noble. So why didn’t you tell me?
Blair: You know we have a history so I was worried that you’d think it meant more than it did.

Louis: I saw him before I came here.
Blair: If he told you something happened he’s lying. He just trying to get you to leave me.
Louis: I saw his hand. It’s not the ring that cut your face. Blair, how can you lie to protect someone who hurt you?
Blair: Since I’m not seeing him again there’s no reason to embarrass him.
Louis: I think you’re the one who’s embarrassed. You have your own dark side.
Blair: I understand if you want to end it. It’s very unbecoming of a princess.
Louis: I want you, Blair. But the only way it can work is if you show me all of the parts of yourself. Even the ones you’re ashamed of.
Blair: Maybe if we don’t talk about them they’ll just go away.

Louis: I hope you’ll join me at this party to make a formal debut. If you’re not ready to share your life—all of it—don’t show up. I’ll leave with my mother tonight.

Russell: What the hell is going on?
Chuck: Divine intervention. If you consider Satan divine.
Jack: You did get in one good punch.
Chuck: It was a long time coming.
Nate: He was the one who reached out to me to help.
Jack: You see, as much as I love to screw with my nephew, you using me to do it just didn’t sit right.
Nate: What’s on that tape you just put in your jacket pocket?
Jack: I mean I knew you didn’t just want to read your cheating wife’s love letters.
Chuck: All that was in that box was evidence against my father. Even if you went to the authorities, the implications are limited on a dead man.
Jack: So we played follow the leader. Unless you’re in to arson porn, there’s obviously something else of interest on that tape.
Russell: Bart murdered my wife. I can take my story to the press.
Chuck: First you’ll stay for the viewing.

Charlie: If you didn’t want me to go to the party with Dan you didn’t have to humiliate me.
Serena: Okay, Charlie, this has nothing to do with Dan.
Dan: Good. Then you won’t mind if we leave together. Now.

Jack: Can we just call the cops? I’m hungry. And all you seem to have are olives and hallucinogenic mushrooms.

Russell: I was trying to keep my family together.
Nate: By killing the mother of your child.
Russell: I swear to you, I thought it was Bart in that building. I knew no matter what I said, he would never let Avery go. It sounds crazy but I still loved her.
Chuck: And she loved you. I read the letter she wrote to my father ending things.
Russell: That letter was for me. Bart called and said we needed to talk. That I should meet him at the building. That was when I decided that he wouldn’t be leaving.

Jack: I can’t choose my entrée with Hallmark Hall of Fame playing in the background. I’m calling the cops.
Russell: Please! I’ll pay. I’ll give you Thorpe Enterprises, anything you want. But I can’t let Reina find out what I did.
Chuck: I’ll give you the same deal he did.
Jack: Oh, girls. Look. Can I at least get my plane fare out of this?
Chuck: Get out of New York and never come back.
Russell: Thank you. If Reina ever found out I don’t know what I’d do.

Cyrus: Blintz?
Blair: No. Thank you. I’ve lost my appetite.
Cyrus: How is that possible? You’re returning to your alma mater as the Princess Bride-to-be. You and Louis are practically giddy about each other.
Blair: Not when he finds out who I really am.
Cyrus: You mean a brilliant and beautiful and… remarkable-strong-for-her-stature young woman?
Blair: You may not be aware of this, but it’s not all light and bright in here. There are some places devoid of even a hint of sparkle.
Cyrus: Louis will love those too, one would hope.
Blair: Chuck was the only one who ever did. But he couldn’t see the rest. Louis said he wants it all but what kind of a princess schemes and plays sex games and drapes herself in old Hollywood movies?
Cyrus: Well, ah… pretending, as your stepfather, that I didn’t hear the sex games part, the truth is the only way that you’re going to know if Louis is the one is to tell him everything.
Blair: What if he doesn’t love me after I do?
Cyrus: Take it for someone that’s head-over-heels for a Waldorf woman, even everything is not enough.

Nate: I know you’re upset but you have to trust me on this. Chuck didn’t do anything wrong.
Reina: First Jack, now you. What the hell’s going on, Nate?
Nate: I just think you’ve been through enough pain without digging up more.
Reina: I am not stopping until Chuck feels as bad as I do.
Nate: Chuck’s father didn’t kill your mother…. Yours did.

Jack: Your dad was a nasty son-of-a-bitch, but I never thought for a second he’d actually gone O.J.
Chuck: Thank you for using your evil powers for good this time.
Jack: Ah, it was selfish really. I didn’t want anyone else playing with my punching bag.
Chuck: Dysfunction is kept in the family. It’s true.
Jack: Besides, what would I want with a company someone else owns half of. Or building in Brooklyn. Now, if you still had Blair things might be different.
Chuck: On that note, I’m going to cut this reunion short and try to find her before the nice guy actually wins.
Jack: I’m counting on you not to defile the Bass name and lose her to a family of titled circus performers.

Reina: I know what you did, Dad.
Russell: Honey, what are you talking about?
Reina: You’re the reason my mother is dead.

Serena: Thanks for coming.
Vanessa: I couldn’t resist finding out what you think we have in common. But unless it includes an apology I’m not staying.
Serena: You accused me of getting Charlie to turn Dan against you. Well she just did the same thing to me.
Vanessa: You think Blair’s behind it? I mean Dan’s a good kisser, but that good?
Serena: It’s Waldorf-level scheming, but Blair’s in love with her prince. This was all Charlie.

Dan: What’s up Kati. Iz. Nice to see you girls back together again. Still dressing alike.
Kati: Do you hear something?
Iz: Nope. Nothing.

miniBlair: Chuck Bass. What a disappointment. I was rooting for you.
Chuck: Have you seen the real Blair?
miniSerena: Don’t you read Gossip Girl? You lost her to the Prince.
Chuck: Not yet I haven’t.
miniBlair: I told you he wouldn’t let her get away.

View all quotes from this episode

The Wrong Goodbye

Serena: Well at least now we know why Charlie’s been acting so unbalanced.
Vanessa: Yeah. Because she is. We need to find Dan before something happens to him.
Serena: And we need to find Charlie before something happens to her. You know this isn’t her fault. She needs help. The last time that this happened she ended up wandering through the snow in her bare feet.
Vanessa: Yeah. After she Single White Female’d her college roommate.
Serena: Rufus said the girl’s boyfriend led her on.
Vanessa: Fine. She’s in your dress with your ex. But if you’re so concerned about Charlie you find her and I’ll find Dan.

Serena: You know maybe I should be the one to tell Dan what’s going on. At least he considers me a friend, which is more than you can say right now.
Vanessa: And who’s fault is that?
Serena: Yours.

Chuck: Do you think she’d miss the opportunity to enter her old stomping ground on the arm of a prince?
Eleanor: She is finally getting her fairytale. She doesn’t need the Big Bad Wolf to ruin it. Why don’t you say goodbye once and for all. And let her go.

Iz: Look who got cute.
Eric: Still gay.
Kati: That means you can dance.

Chuck: Until I find Blair I can’t even think about Russell Thorpe.
Reina walking in: You might have to. I’m sorry for just showing up like this. I didn’t know where to go. My father was so angry, blaming you for all that’s happened. And after everything I put you through I just wanted to apologize.
Chuck: You don’t need to apologize to me. We both did things we didn’t think were wrong in the moment.
Reina: Still.
Chuck: Thanks.

Russell Thorpe: You and Chuck might not be together, Miss Waldorf. But from what I can tell, you’re still the thing he loves most in the world.

So how did you two meet?
Phil: Well, that’s a real romantic story.
Georgina: Phil wanted a hot wife to impress his partners and I wanted a loft and a legacy at Yale for Milo. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to go get drunk enough to make you all seem interesting.

Georgina: Oh, I can tell you’re up to something. Please let me in on it. I haven’t been this bored since I believed in Jesus.

Dan: I think I overreacted before. I mean what you said, it took me by surprise. But the more I think about it the more I get it. You just want me to like you. Well, I already do. So what do you say about a do-over? We can go somewhere and just, and talk about this. Come on.
Charlie: Yeah? Why did you lead me on for weeks? Why didn’t you just tell me you didn’t like me? Is that something you learned from Serena?

Headmistress Queller: I know I was always hard on you, Serena. But it was only because I thought you could become something. I had hoped you’d leave New York, see the world. Maybe find your place somewhere far away from all this.

Georgina: I’ve actually become a Bedford wife. And it’s really just the worst thing. Please let me in on whatever scheme everyone seems to be a part of. I haven’t conspired since I convinced Dan he was Milo’s dad. Unless you count speeding up the process at a hospice to get someone’s apartment.

Dan: I had Charlie but she slipped away.
Vanessa: She’s gotta be around here somewhere.
Georgina: I’m sorry. She’s a part of the gang but I’m not?

Georgina: “I’m sorry. Goodbye.” Who’s this immature?
Vanessa: Serena’s cousin. She’s in trouble.
Dan: We have to come up with a new plan.
Georgina: Oh! The Badger. The Melon Drop. The Spanish Prisoner.
Serena: Divide and Conquer. She could be anywhere.

Russell: Reina. You shouldn’t be here.
Reina: Neither should you. But if you go through with this you’re taking me with you, ’cause I’m not leaving without you. I know you didn’t mean to hurt my mother. The fire was an accident. I forgive you. {she grabs the lighter} You’re going to jail for a very long time. And I won’t be coming to visit you. Ever.

Reina: Nate, I wanna go home.
Nate: Okay. We can get another cab, go to your hotel.
Reina: I don’t mean the hotel.
Nate: You mean Chicago.

Charlie: You scared me.
Georgina: I get that a lot.
Charlie: Do you know where I could find a window that opens? Most of them seem to be nailed shut and I could really use the fresh air.
Georgina: Top floor. Last room at the end of the hall.
Charlie: Thanks for helping me.

Serena: Have you seen Charlie?
Georgina: Maybe I have, maybe I haven’t.
Serena: This is serious. Every second you don’t tell me where she went is critical. Look, what if your kid was in trouble in seventeen years and needed help?
Georgina: If Milo isn’t in trouble in seventeen years then I have done something wrong. But fine. I’ll tell you where Charlie went. But you owe me. She took the elevator.
Serena: Thank you.

Georgina calling after Serena: I miss you! You get me!

Sophie: I’m sorry, my dear, but you need to give this up. Blair isn’t coming. You asked a question and this is her answer. You know the last thing I wanted was to see you be hurt. Look what has happened.
Louis: I know she’ll be here.

Serena: Charlie, what are you doing? Please come down from there.
Charlie: I heard you talk to Dan and Vanessa about me. You think I’m crazy. Everyone does!
Serena: No we don’t, we think you have a condition that can be helped. If you come down we can talk about it. I’ll get Dan if you want.
Charlie: Dan doesn’t like me. That’s why I stole your dress. I’ll never be like you. You’re Serena van der Woodsen.
Serena: That doesn’t mean what you think it means.

Vanessa: This could be the best satire on the Upper East Side since Bonfire of the Vanities. How long have you been working on this?
Dan: Five years, off and on. Now put it back and we can forget you found it.

Vanessa: I always thought Serena was the reason you fell into the Upper East Side. But it was more than that.
Dan: Vanessa, seriously, this is none of your business.
Vanessa: You always wanted in. Maybe more than Jenny.
Dan: Of course the irony is, is that if I ever show it to anyone it’ll guarantee my outsider status forever.

Vanessa: Dan, you know as well as I do you can’t be an insider and make great art. You have to stand alone to observe it. And not care whose feelings you hurt or what people think of you.
Dan: Those people are my friends. My best friends. My family.
Vanessa: Well it’s not like any of them come across worse than you do. And there’s a certain someone that might actually like the way she’s painted. And I’m not talking about Serena. Get it published. Take a stand. Be a great man instead of always being a good boy.

Vanessa: When are you gonna realize that you were a better person until the day you asked Serena out four years ago?
Dan: When are you going to realize that I had a better life before you climbed up my fire escape four years ago?

Charlie: If you could do it over again, who would you choose? Dan or Nate?

Chuck: You’re still here.
Louis: Why wouldn’t I be?
Chuck: The party’s almost over.
Louis: I know. But Blair hasn’t arrived yet.
Chuck: How could you be sure she’s coming?
Louis: Because I love her. And just as important, I believe in her. I know she’s scared, but she’ll figure it out. And I’ll be here when does.

Georgina: Did you find that open window?
Charlie: Yeah. But I shouldn’t have been looking for it anyways. I, um, was just off my meds.
Georgina: No, I don’t think so. I don’t think you were ever on meds. Don’t worry, I’m not about to bust you. Since I assume you’re about to be shipped off somewhere, if you’re ever back in the city let me know. It’s been getting a little dull around here.

Three weeks later…

Charlie: I really did like you.
Dan: I really did like you too.

Carol: How was the trip?
Ivy: It was long, but nice. They’re all in there. You can count.
Carol: Thank you, Ivy. You played your part perfectly.
Ivy: Thanks for hiring me.

Carol: You gonna be alright going back to your real life after having been a part of that world?
Ivy: I think I’ll be fine.
Carol: Good luck.

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