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Reversals of Fortune
Chuck: I’m Chuck. Bass.
Ashley: I know.
Chuck: I wasn’t expecting to see someone like you somewhere like this so early in the day.
Ashley: I needed a refuge. It’s too hot.
Chuck: It’s never too hot.
Ashley: Care to test that theory?
Chuck: What if I have a girlfriend?
Ashley: Chuck Bass doesn’t do girlfriends. Where’s your limo?
Chuck: I gave my driver the day off.
Ashley: Then I guess we’ll have to find somewhere else.
Nate: Well it’s a good thing the flight attendants dimmed the cabin lights over the Atlantic.
Bree: Well it’s an even better thing that my car got a flat on the way to Heathrow and I missed the plane that I was supposed to be on. Otherwise I would have been sitting in seat 3B of an entirely different plane. Waking up with an entirely different passenger in seat 3A.
Nate: Alright so now that we’re back on our own turf do I at least get your number? Maybe your last name.
Bree: A little mystery never hurt anyone.
Nate: Oh really? C’mon, please. You gotta give me something to go on here.
Bree: Okay. Ah, well we are going to the same school.
Nate: Yeah, and Columbia’s kind of a big one. Especially when you factor in graduate school.
Bree: You caught that. See you’re a better detective than you think. Well, my car is waiting.
Nate: Oh, are you done with that. I’ ll take it. sees the Buckley headline. On second thought—
Bree: You have a problem with the Buckley’s?
Nate: Yeah, well that right-wing nut job called William van der Bilt a deviant for lobbying against DOMA.
Bree: Maybe that’s because William van der Bilt called Jeb Buckley a cokehead and a cheater.
Nate: What, are you saying it isn’t cheating if you get your congressional aide pregnant?
Bree: You’re Nate Archibald.
Nate: And you’re Bree Buckley.
Bree: You pulled my hair during the Clinton’s inaugural ball.
Nate: Your redneck cousins tried to waterboard me at the Easter Egg hunt on the White House lawn.
Bree: It’s good to see you again.
Nate: Yeah, take care of yourself.
Chuck: Uh uh.
Ashley: Why not?
Chuck: It’s better to wait.
Ashley: How long?
Chuck: Let’s see… now.
Blair: What the hell is going on?
Chuck: Blair, I can explain.
Ashley: I’m sorry, um, I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.
Chuck: Yes, you did. She did.
Blair: Shame on you, Ashley Henshaw. How could you do that? Pick up someone in a relationship? Have you no pride, no self respect?
Ashley: Okay, but I didn’t know—
Blair: You may have an Abercrombie campaign and the security code to Clooney’s castle in Lake Como but that doesn’t give you the right to try and steal someone else’s man! Now take your American Girl hair and your poreless skin and get out!
Ashley: Okay, you’re crazy.
Vanessa: Okay, wait. Why do you have a knock off designer wallet? I thought you hated intellectual property theft. Oh, it’s to hold all your hundred dollar bills.
Dan: Do you know how hard it is to break one of those things? I don’t even know why they make them. I’m kidding. Sort of. It’s not a knock off. It’s a graduation present from Lily. As is what’s in it. And you know what, I thought I’d never use it but… have you seen the stitching?
Carter: Where you headed beautiful?
Serena: Carter.
Carter: I was in the neighborhood.
Serena: No you weren’t.
Carter: Gossip Girl said you’d returned. I wanted to see you.
Serena: Well you’ve seen me. Now you can go.
Carter: We need to talk.
Serena: No. We don’t.
Carter: I know you can’t avoid what happened forever.
Serena: Watch me.
Vanessa: I’m his best friend and I support him no matter what. Even if he were rich and dressed like Truman Capote.
You should probably tell him that.
Vanessa: I should. Too bad he has that polo match with his family.
His whole family?
Vanessa: Yeah. Nate’s family. And I’m sure Blair and Chuck will be there if that murder-suicide I predicted hasn’t happened yet.
Carter: What the hell is this?
Blair: It’s a restraining order.
Carter: This says I have to stay away from Blair Waldorf.
Blair: Yeah. And until further notice you’ll find me by Serena’s side. Step with 100 feet of me and you’ll be arrested. And about how far do you think he is from me?
Dan: Oh he’s far enough.
Blair: I agree. Security!
Serena: Hey, what’s— what’s going on here?
Carter: Ah, your friend’s trying to have me removed.
Serena: Right. Because you’re stalking me.
Dan: You don’t have to talk to him.
Carter: You told him I was stalking you? You want to tell him the truth or should I?
Dan: What’s the truth?
Serena: Yeah Carter, what’s the truth?
Carter: Sooner or later you’re going to be alone with no one taking your picture. What are you going to do then?
Blair: Serena, what’s he talking about?
Serena: Why won’t you leave me alone Carter? You’re not my boyfriend.
Carter: No, but I seem to be the only one you tell your secrets to.
Serena: Well I guess that was a mistake.
Carter: Dropping your dress, stealing a horse—all that is is a cry for attention.
Serena: I don’t need to cry for attention. I’m getting plenty on my own in case you haven’t noticed.
Carter: Yeah, plenty from everyone except the one you want it from.
Serena: That’s not true.
Carter: He didn’t want to see you Serena.
Serena: That’s not what happened.
Carter: We spent a month chasing him down and then we found him he couldn’t even meet you face to face.
Serena: Well maybe he didn’t get my message or he didn’t realize who I was—
Carter: He didn’t realize who his daughter was? Serena, what if your dad didn’t want to see you? Who cares? Who the hell is he not to want you? I would have stayed all summer with you. But after that you ditched me and ran again.
Nate: I’m not going to be taking the internship, Grandfather. I hope you can understand that.
Mr. van der Bilt: Of course I can. How many times must I tell you, Nathaniel, I want to be your family. Work wherever. Date whomever. I won’t stand in your way. I just want you to be happy.
Nate: I almost believe you.
Mr. van der Bilt: That’s enough for me.
Vanessa: I know stuff’s going on with your family so I’m just going to go.
Dan: Okay. Why’d you come here?
Vanessa: Honestly, right now I just don’t know. Maybe people just change. Maybe it’s okay if we grow apart.
Dan: Vanessa, I’m not changing.
Vanessa: You’re at a polo match in a three thousand dollar suit and your name’s in the program. And after I take a bus across the state line to apologize you ditch me for Blair Waldorf and totally disappear.
Dan: Cece set me up with this suit. Alright? And Jenny got a dress too if you’d also like to make her feel bad about it. As for Blair it’s not like we’re shoe shopping or sipping martinis. There’s something going on with Serena.
Vanessa: And what is that?
Dan: I wish I knew. All I do know is that Lily’s mother is very sick and my dad is struggling just to keep it together. Not to mention my family is generally in the middle of a transition. So please—please!—give me a break with the “rich people suck” thing.
Vanessa: I don’t care if you’re rich. Which, you aren’t by the way. Ride in a limo, break a hundred, that’s fine. But if you’re going to be in this world, be yourself in this world. Because I actually like that guy. And I hope he’s the one that turns up at NYU.
Carter: Anybody seen a girl in an orange dress?
Vanessa: Well that wasn’t so much fun, was it?
Depends on your definition of fun.
Vanessa: I don’t know why I even brought you. The Humphreys are going through a lot and I don’t even know if Dan and I are still friends.
I know they’re dealing with stuff, but they seem like good people to me.
The Freshmen
Blair: Let’s make it clear from the start: we don’t know each other here.
Dan: Works for me.
Vanessa: Me too.
Blair: So you’re not in love with Jesus anymore?
Georgina: Oh, I still hold him in my heart. But Jesus and I have redefined our relationship.
Blair: You mean He dumped you because he found out you were Satan.
Bree to Nate: What do you say? You, me, this apartment. Let’s get sick of each other.
Georgina: This paranoia has got to stop, Blair.
Blair: I am not paranoid. I’m right. Why else would you have formed an alliance with Vanessa. The one person I may hate more than you.
Georgina: It’s not an alliance, it’s a friendship. Unlike you, Vanessa’s cool and people like her. More than the girl that threw the fish party.
Blair: Sushi! There was toro!
Georgina: Face it Blair, once upon a time in a far off land you were a queen. Here you’re just a loser who will never fit in.
Carter: Serena, listen to you. What’s your deal? You acting out because Daddy doesn’t love you? Is that why you skipped out of Brown too?
Serena: Please—
Carter: You know, I told you how I felt and you blew me off until you needed someone to do your dirty work. It’s time to find a new
bad habit. ‘Cause it’s not going to be me anymore.
Dan: I didn’t know there’s was a cool crowd at college.
Vanessa: Yeah, I think you and I were the only ones dumb enough to believe that.
Katie: Hey, so some of us are wondering if you’re going to Monkey Bar.
Vanessa: You know, just because someone has to be on top doesn’t mean it has to be Blair.
Georgina: Thank you. You didn’t have to do that.
Dan: Yeah I did. Let’s go get a beer.
Carter: What do you want?
Serena: There’s a reason I always come back to you Carter. And it’s not because you’re my bad habit.
Carter: What then?
Serena: You’re the only one who understood why I needed to find my father. You were there for me during all of that and I trust you.
Carter: Anyone would have done the same thing.
Serena: No, they wouldn’t have. And I don’t want anyone else. I want you.
The Lost Boy
Blair: I know what this is. And don’t think you can run me out of my own room with a half-naked Dan Humphrey.
Georgina: Fine. Stay. Maybe you’ll learn something.
Dan: I just mean that when you do something no one else knows about it’s kind of like you’re not even doing it. But when someone find out about it—
Serena: S: It becomes real.
Dan: Yeah.
Vanessa: Well college is a time for experimentation. Psychedelic drugs. Ethnic food.
Serena: Girls who once pretended to be Sarah from Portland.
Dan: So you guys are what?
Vanessa: We are just going to tease you mercilessly.
Vanessa: I like you.
Scott: I like you too.
Vanessa: That’s why I’m going to give you 30 seconds to explain why there’s no Scott Adler enrolled at NYU.
Scott: Look, Vanessa, it’s complicated.
Vanessa: Let me make it easy for you. You either tell
me the truth or we’re over.
Scott: I lied to you because I had to.
Vanessa: That’s not good enough.
Scott: My name isn’t Adler. It’s Rosin. I’m Rufus and Lily’s son.
Serena: If you don’t trust me then what are we doing?
Carter: I’m not sure.
Dan: Scott Rosin. He wrote me that after reading my short story in the New Yorker.
Georgina: Fan letter? So he’s kind of like your stalker.
Dan: I guess.
Georgina: How rockstar is that?
Serena: Does Le Table Elitaire even exist, Georgina?
Georgina: I’m sorry, but my French is a little rusty. Maybe you should start with “excusez-moi”.
Georgina: It’s Blair and Chuck. Talk about a victimless crime.
Dan de Fleurette
Jenny: Hi. Who are you?
Carmen: I’m Carmen. This is Celeste. That’s Jane. We’re here to make sure you get exactly what you want this year.
Celeste:
You’re going to rule the school with an iron fist.
Jenny: Okay enough. First go wash your eyes. And second, tell everyone I need to talk to them now. Now.
Eric: So. A new era of sunlight and fairness.
Jenny: What is this? Did you not hear me this morning?
Carmen: Oh, you mean your cute little attempt at Perestroika?
Jane: We’re going back to the old way. Queens, hierarchy and no Brooklyn wannabe’s.
Dan: I think I just got dumped. Want to go to a movie or something?
Vanessa: Yeah. A movie sounds great. But you’re going to have to wear a suit.
Blair: Dorota, these martinis taste like tap water. Don’t be a Scrooge with the gin.
Dorota: Ms. Blair. This not right. Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion—
Blair: And who cares what you and Mr. Chuck think?
Rufus Getting Married
Nate: So how’s Serena doing? She still dating Baizen or did she come to her sense yet?
Bree: Carter Baizen? Is he in town? I heard he was away on business.
Blair: He is. Traveling is so important. Bree, have you ever thought of traveling? Somewhere very far away.
Chuck: I wasn’t aware you knew Carter.
Bree: Yeah. Our families used to vacation together on Sea Island. I’ve been trying to track him down.
Georgina: Why won’t he respond to any of my calls or texts or animated e-cards?
Vanessa: Are you serious?
Georgina: The last one I sent him was this adorable singing dog.
Vanessa: Okay. Dan didn’t write you back because a) he broke up with you, b) he’s seeing someone else and c) even though I tried to defend you you’re a full-on crazy person.
Georgina: Wait, can we go back to B for a second. He can’t be seeing someone else because we just broke up and— Okay. Then you’re going to get Dan to dump her.
Vanessa: And why in the world would I do that?
Georgina: I didn’t visit my family last week. I was in Boston. You know, I met the sweetest guy. I think you know him. Scott Rosin.
Vanessa: Oh my god.
Georgina: He just had so much on his mind. And after several glasses of wine—slightly enhanced—you wouldn’t believe what he told me.
Vanessa: What are you saying Georgina?
Georgina: Get Dan to dump the whore or I’m gonna tell the whole world Scott’s secret. And that would be too bad because a) that’s the last thing he wants b) how do you think Dan’s gonna feel when he finds out you’ve known his brother’s been alive the whole time? And c) who are you going to hang out with when all the Humphreys hate you? Should we review b again?
Georgina: Well that was just pathetic! Haven’t you ever tried to get somebody to dump a celebrity before?
Vanessa: No.
Georgina: That’s okay. Plan B. You’re familiar with Photoshop, I presume?
Vanessa: I’m not in love with you, you moron. Georgina’s been blackmailing me.
Dan: What? Why? Vanessa, look I’m your best friend. You can tell me. You have to tell me. What does she have on you?
Vanessa: Ugh. She knows that I know… Scott… is your brother.
Amalia: The Whitney is a no, Harvard Club a no. And Colicchio laughed in my face when I asked about Craft.
Blair: The only time I want to hear “no” is if Ruth Madoff wants an invite.
Serena: Constance Crew, what have you got?
New Mean Girl 1: My sister’s a florist. She can handle the flowers.
New Mean Girl 2: We’ve got cake. My aunt owns a bakery. She said she found a cancellation.
New Mean Girl 3 : I’m sorry. My family’s in investment banking. They’re all broke.
Jenny: Then you can go.
Serena: Dorota?
Dorota: I call the Sonic Youths. They in North Hampton. Will try to make it.
Serena: Acceptable. Hey Jenny, you okay? You’ve been working on that dress all night.
Jenny: Yeah. It’s like my own Project Runway challenge.
Dan: Wow. I wondered what happened to Poppy. I had no idea it was so easy to get someone deported. That’s so thoughtful. That’s so Georgina. You know, I really missed you while you were away.
Georgina: You did? I heard you were seeing someone.
Dan: I was. But it turned out she was dating Orlando Bloom behind my back. Can you believe that?
Georgina: No. It is amazing how down that guy’s Star-O-Meter has gone.
Rufus: That was—
Georgina: Your love child. Not dead. Congratulations. It’s a boy.
Carter: Are you okay?
Serena: Will you just leave? Please. I need some time.
Carter: Just so you know, I told you what I told you because it’s not the same with you. I really do care about you Serena. So much.
Kim Gordon: Well, by the power vested in me, by a sketchy service on the internet, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Scott: Sorry for not telling you who I was.
Dan: You know, I should have guessed. No one under 40 has ever shown that much interest in Lincoln Hawk.
Jenny: See, I told you. He has my nose.
Eric: Maybe. But those are my eyebrows.
Jenny: So Scott, what do you think about board games?
Scott: Love them.
Nate: I talked to Blair. So is it true? You used me to get to Carter?
Bree: Yeah. I guess I did. Come on Nate. You’re a Van der Bilt. I’m a Buckley. And as much as I like you, that’s always going to come first. It’s in my blood. It’s Texas. If it means anything, I’m sorry.
Nate: No. No. You know what, it doesn’t. So please leave.
Enough About Eve
Dan: We just started dating. Isn’t it a little soon for “Meet the Parents”?
Vanessa: Not for Olivia. She seems really easygoing and into you.
Jenny: Yeah. Seriously Dan. Play the parent card. People like you more when they meet your family.
Olivia: So what are you gonna do this weekend to thank me?
Dan: You know, actually, about that. I was thinking I would invite you to the Parent-Freshman Dinner with me and my parents. I know you’re probably exhausted—
Olivia: I would love to.
Dan: Really? Are you sure? ‘Cause you heard the part about my parents right?
Olivia: Dan. The last three guys I dated, I met their agent, their manager, their publicist, a personal trainer who also read tarot cards and I never met a single one of their parents. I would love to meet yours.
PJ: A picture really is worth a thousand words. Or in this case, an election.
Rufus: Hey. You made it!
Gabriela (Gina Torres): Rufus. Come here. would you let me look at you! Lay off the caffeine. It’s giving you wrinkles.
Rufus: Eh. I’m just sorry Arlo couldn’t make it.
Gabriela: He says hello. He had to finish installing solar panels on the chicken coop at the co-op.
Gabriela: To be completely honest my husband and I don’t believe in private universities. Knowledge should not be for sale.
Blair: Well you got your kiss.
Ellis: Number 27 on the Tribeca Scavenger Hunt: Kiss the Chuck Bass. Check.
Gabriela: Guess I should work on keeping my opinions to myself.
Vanessa: You think?
Gabriela: I just wanted to say, tonight I will promise to keep an open mind about your school. About everything.
Vanessa: When you hear my toast I think you’ll understand why this is the right place for me.
Vanessa: So tell me once and for all. What makes you better than me?
Blair: Do you really want to know?
Vanessa: Yeah.
Blair: Everything. Generations of breeding and wealth had to come together to produce me. I have more in common with Marie Antoinette than with you. And granted you may be popular at some stuffy Ivy safety school, but the fact is the rabblerers still rabble and they need a queen.
Vanessa: You stole the toast.
Blair: I was willing to do what was necessary. Including lying to Chuck. The one person who trusts me more than anyone. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give my toast.
Vanessa: Actually Blair. Congratulations. You just did.
Blair: Why did we do all this?
Vanessa: You tell me.
Vanessa (about the croissant): You want it?
Blair: Thanks.
How to Succeed In Bassness
Serena, without Endless Nights, Patrick is on the road to Mark Hamill-hood.
Serena: Is that the guy from Star Wars that’s not Harrison Ford?
Jonathan: Hello Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Looks like Jenny, sounds like Jenny, is really a dark, power hungry monster.
Eric: Oh c’mon. She’s still the same Jenny underneath. She just has to wear the mask for school.
Jonathan: That mask is becoming her face.
Olivia: Wow. Looks like you’re feeling a lot better.
Dan: Yeah, it was just one of those 24 hour things. Just kind of weird.
Olivia: Dan, if this is about that cookie jar photo. If you’re not ready I totally understand.
Dan: Ready. No, I’m—I love that picture of you. It’s so flattering. And who can resist free gifts in shiny wrappers?
Casey: Your job now includes publicly dating Patrick.
Serena: I don’t know if I’d call that work.
Casey: Get back to me after date two.
The Grandfather: Part II
Trip: Even if the night ends in defeat at least we’ll have a great party.
Maureen: Sweety, don’t talk like that.
Trip: This morning’s polling numbers aren’t great. We’re down where we should be up and where we’re up we’re barely hanging on.
Serena: Hey. I was running errands and Casey asked me to drop off your Jimmy Fallon interview.
Olivia: Great. I guess that means you’ve seen it.
Serena: Yeah.
Olivia: You know I didn’t mean what I said.
Serena: Oh, don’t worry about that. I’m sure Dan understands.
Olivia: He hasn’t seen it. I don’t know what to do. I have to fix this. And meanwhile keep him away from TV and internet and strangers with the urge to make fun of him.
Patrick: I just finished reading a fantastic script.
Serena: The political thriller?
Patrick: No, it’s a remake of Leaving Las Vegas. They want to redo it with a younger cast.
Serena: Where did you get those scripts?
Patrick: In the garbage.
Serena: See! Isn’t this great? You’ve got the perfect Capitol Hill vibe.
Patrick: I gotta hit the can.
Serena: Okay.
Patrick: You think Blair had me thrown out because I was a bit tipsy? Or because I was talking to that high-priced call girl friend of hers.
Serena: What did you just say?
Vanessa: Why’d you do it?
Nate: Do what?
Vanessa: C’mon Nate. You were the only one who knew I had that meeting to sell that footage.
Nate: I had to protect Trip.
Vanessa: I came to you first as a friend.
Nate: Don’t be so self-righteous. You were only selling the footage to further your own career.
Maureen: I think Nathaniel was brilliant tonight, don’t you?
Granddad: Brilliant. Foolish is more like it.
Maureen: C’mon, William. Even you have to admit it. This couldn’t have worked any better if it was planned.
Granddad: You.
Maureen: All this time you thought the only thing I was capable of was holding his hand and smiling on the sidelines.
Granddad: To be honest my dear, I never really spent that much time thinking about you.
Maureen: Well, your loss is my gain. My husband is a congressman. And thanks to Vanessa’s camera you’re out of our lives for good. Finally Trip can be his own man. My man.
Granddad: You think I’m really just going to stand aside and let myself become collateral damage? I’ll tell him.
Maureen: You don’t exactly have a lot of credibility right now. Who’s he going to believe?
Trip: You want to tell me about it?
Serena: I don’t think you want to hear this one.
Trip: I do. I’ll let your problem be the first one I address as your elected representative.
They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?
Olivia: It’s for real this time. My parents, manager, three of my agents are all flying in from LA on Monday to convince me to do it. It’s like The Sopranos but with bagels.
Jonathan: I liked you because you were different from everyone else. You were smart and you knew who you were. You didn’t need to prove anything to anyone. And now— I’m sorry Eric, but it’s over.
The Last Days of Disco Stick
Jenny: So Belgium, huh? I bet they have really good waffles. My family’s really into waffles.
Damien: Yeah I barely tasted them. My father left when I was four so he could work on the Oslo Accord.
Jenny: He worked on the Oslo accord? That sounds major.
Damien: Yeah, clearly more major than being a father, but…
Damien: What exactly does an Upper East Side Queen do? Wear designer clothes, boss people around?
Jenny: No. I go to parties and openings and stuff.
Damien: Where you wear designer clothes and boss people around. Sounds like kind of a yawn.
Jenny: Well yeah, I guess compared to being the international drug dealer.
Olivia: If you just let yourself, you’ll see that your feelings for her are real. And you should stop kidding yourself.
Chuck: You and your father have until noon to collect your luggage. After that it’s in the river.
Jenny: Chuck, you’re totally overreacting. I’m really fine.
Damien: Dude, the lady said she’s fine.
Chuck: Dude. I’m Chuck Bass. Even Europeans must know what that means.
Vanessa: Hello Prince. Here I am. Snow White.
Dan: Oh…
Vanessa: And I got plastic surgery and colored my hair like you suggested.
The Treasure of Serena Madre
Dorota: I’m not talking with Vanya. Now he not stop calling. And texting. Tweeting. Writing on Wall.
Lily: Maureen! Oh I am so glad to see you. How was D.C.?
Maureen: So much to get ready. But Trip insisted we spend the holidays here.
Lily: Speaking of, I’d love to know why he has my daughter working on Thanksgiving. She said she’s volunteering at a soup kitchen with him. I’ve never seen her work these kinds of hours. Is it always like this with him?
Maureen: No, his schedule’s been especially busy these last few weeks.
Lily: This is probably an over-step, but do you think you could convince him to spend part of your Thanksgiving with us—you know, force my daughter to have a little family time?
Gossip Girl: Uh oh. Looks like someone’s small Thanksgiving might just have a big problem.
Maureen: Yes. Yes. We’d love to come.
Gossip Girl: May the Lord make us truly thankful for what we are about to receive.
Vanessa: Then she starts lecturing the poor cashier that Thanksgiving is nothing more than a corporate agenda of the Food Industry masquerading as family sentiment.
Dan: That reminds me: if my dad asks, we followed his recipe for homemade pie crust to the letter.
Dorota: I should sleep early too. I agreed to work at Miss Lily’s tomorrow. Big Thanksgiving for them all the sudden. But she offered me time-and-a-half, so…
Cece: Hello Daniel.
Dan: You’re looking well, Cece.
Cece: I am, aren’t I?
Dorota: You don’t understand—we’re not married. My parents start next Polish-Soviet war. Russians once again not victors, believe me.
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The Debarted
Maureen: Deep breath, Trip. If we handle this right, you’ll be able to keep the career you worked so hard for and have the woman of your dreams. And I’ll still have my marriage.
Trip: Why are you okay with this?
Maureen: We both share a dream we’re not willing to give up on.
Bart: You opened your heart to Blair. And it made you weak. You can not be one person at work and another one at home. If you’re soft, you’re soft. And well, let’s face it. You’re soft.
Maureen: Trip and I aren’t getting divorced. You can have him in private but I get him in public. He keeps his career, I keep my pride and position. And you get… whatever you’re getting. Screwed, I think they call it.
Serena: You’re asking me to be his mistress?
Maureen: It’s a time honored political tradition. I’m Jackie. You’re Marilyn.
The Hurt Locket
Damien: I have a puzzle that needs solving. And I know how much you Humphreys like games.
Jenny: I can wear it. I can make this only in mine the pailettes won’t be empty.
Damien: You put the pills in the jacket?
Jenny: Yeah. I wear it to the dinner, check it, and then Violette and I switch coat check tags. I take her coat—
Damien: —and she’ll leave with yours. That’s not bad.
Jenny: Not bad! C’mon, it’s brilliant.
Damien: We’re going to have to do our little dinner some other time.
Jenny: What? I thought we were going to do this together. It’s my plan.
Damien: Yeah. And I thank you. It’s just that… anyone can check the jacket. Jenny’s not buying it. Um… I’m going with someone else. Serena, actually. We’re old friends from boarding school.
Jenny: Serena’s with Nate now.
Damien: I don’t know about that. She’s the one that called and asked me.
Jenny: Well you know she’s changed since boarding school and ah, there’s no way she’s going to go to a state dinner wearing a jacket filled with pills.
Damien: I probably won’t tell her about that then.
Jenny: Well then maybe I will.
Damien: See if you were to do that then I’d have to tell her how you know obviously. Anyway. Don’t worry. You’ll still get your cut.
Elizabeth: I’m sorry I can’t help you find whatever it is you’re looking for.
The Lady Vanished
Jenny: Not that I don’t love popcorn and a movie, but I mean it’s Saturday night. I wanted to go out.
Damien: We are. In fact we have half a dozen deliveries to make at some parties.
Jenny: Again? You’re the only dealer in town?
Damien: No rest for the wicked.
Melissa: So how long have you and Vanessa known each other?
Dan: Oh, we’ve been best friends since we were kids.
Melissa: I was actually talking to Paul.
Vanessa: Right. Of course. Paul and I met at a cabaret last semester and the theme was fairy tales. So it’s only appropriate that I met my Prince Charming.
Paul: Actually, Dan was Prince Charming.
Vanessa: Where did you and Dan meet?
Melissa: In the hallway, actually.
Paul: Are we going to talk about what’s going on here?
Vanessa: More drinks first.
Elizabeth: I thought it would be better if you could hate me. But I think it’s better if you know me. I’ve decided to stay in New York. I’m willing to wait as long as it takes. I want to know my son.
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin
Jack Bass: I would have been here sooner but I got distracted reading some of those protester’s signs. I never realized how many puns you could make out of the name Chuck Bass.
Chuck: If you are who you say you are, then you won’t mind me doing a DNA test, right?
Elizabeth: I should have known you would never let me in. You are your father’s son.
Jack: You look glorious as always.
Rufus: How dare you come to an event you know my wife is at.
Jack: Rufus. Don’t blow a gasket. I just came to offer my apology. Lily, I wasn’t myself that night at the opera gallery. I’d had a lot to drink, took some of those over-the-counter pills they started keeping behind the corner recently, and some meth.
Doug: Actually, things have taken a turn. We’re getting attacked by Christian Conservatives.
Chuck: We have those in Manhattan?
Doug: The Family Travel Council is organizing the boycott. You’d be shocked how much influence they have.
Chuck: That’s the kind of thing that would only entice my target clientele.
Doug: I don’t think the business has the luxury of waiting around to see. I’m sorry, Chuck. For PR if nothing else, it needs to seem that you’re no longer in charge. You need to hand over operations of the hotel. At least temporarily. Perhaps a family member.
Jack: I’ll do it.
Chuck: Doug. Give us a moment. Doug leaves. I promise you, Jack. That will never happen.
Jack: Then I’ll wait. And when your beloved hotel is bankrupt and empty I’ll swoop in, give you fair market price. I’m sure there’s some copper pipes I could salvage.
Chuck: This was your plan wasn’t it?
Jack: No. But I’m totally going to reap its rewards. You took what was mine, now I’m taking what’s yours. At least you know it’s staying in the family.
Jenny: Damien, where are you going?
Damien: I knew you were just a kid.
Lily: Hello, Mother.
Cece: Lily, it’s been six months. Time to check back in with the good doctor van der Woodsen.
Lily: Can’t we get someone else to do the tests? I mean does it really have to be him?
Cece: You know it’s the right choice. And it’s been too long already. Please darling, for me?
Jack: Well. Do we have ourselves a hotel?
Elizabeth: We do.
The Empire Strikes Jack
Eleanor: My. Look who’s risen from the dead.
Jenny: I just wanted to say thank you so much for this opportunity. And I’ve really learned a lot since the last time we worked together and… I won’t let you down.
Eleanor: Well, despite our troubled past, as I told your father I’m a firm believer in second chances. I even rehired your friend.
Agnes: Jenny.
Jenny: Agnes. Uh. Hi, how are you?
Agnes: Ninety days sober in AA.
Eleanor: Good for you. now c’mon Jenny, what are you waiting for. Get Agnes fitted. I like to see my elves busy. Clock’s tickin’!
Dorota: Miss Blair you have no friends. Even NYU minions very second rate.
Elizabeth: Chuck!
Chuck: Did you send security to kick me out?
Elizabeth: Just listen. I—
Jack: No. Let me. Morning, Nephew.
Chuck: What is this leech doing stuck to my hotel?
Jack: Your hotel? This is Elizabeth’s hotel. You’re just a guest who’s no longer welcome here.
Elizabeth: I’m sorry, Chuck. You need to leave.
Chuck: What? Wait. What the hell is going on here?
Jack: Isn’t it obvious? You’ve been played, Chucky. From the very beginning.
Agnes: What is it?
Jenny: Nothing. Ugh. Well. Truth is I was dating this guy named Damien and he was a lot of things. One of them being a dealer.
Agnes: Was he Sid to your Nancy? That’s awesome.
Brandeis: Serena.
Serena: Brandeis. How’s Congressman Wade?
Brandeis: He’s polling very well these days.
Elizabeth: Underneath it all he’s a kind, loving person.
Chuck: What kind of loving person would convince you to do this to me?
Elizabeth: I need Jack. And I believe he needs me too. He loves me.
Chuck: If you believe that, then you deserve whatever happens next.
Blair: You whore and a half! Conwell was about to buy my mother’s junior line until you!
Brandeis: Blair, I didn’t cruise Mr. Conwell.
Blair: Then how does he know you’re a prostitute?
Brandeis: He doesn’t. He knows Julian is. He’s supposed to see him tonight in fact. Julian and Conwell party every time he flies into town. I’m really sorry, Blair. We had no idea there’d be clients here tonight. It was a total surprise.
Blair: Mother, what are you doing? We can close this.
Eleanor: No. It was a stupid idea to begin with. I don’t know what I was thinking. I would rather lose a deal than lose myself. Never hide who you are.” Remember that, hm.
Blair: Everyone at NYU hates me.
Eleanor: What?
Blair: I have minions of course. But they’re hardly even worthy of the name.
Eleanor: One of the things that make Waldorf women so special is that we don’t fit in everywhere.
Blair: I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere.
Eleanor: That’s because you haven’t found the right place yet.
Jack: You destroyed your relationship with your son. Who else do you have besides me?
Elizabeth: I told Chuck I wasn’t his mother. And that he deserves someone better than me.
Jack: Well I’ll warn you. You’re taking off just when it’s about to get fun.
Elizabeth: I’m starting over. I’m going to try to be the person I forgot.
Inglourious Bassterds
Jack: You really have surrounded yourself with beautiful things. So easy to auction off. Gotta love eBay.
Chuck: As much as I hate to interrupt your fun, this has gone on long enough. I want my hotel back. Name your price.
Jack: I don’t need your money, Chuck.
Chuck: Then what is all this for, just to hurt me?
Jack: Just to hurt you. Hurting you is a noble goal. Granted, you know, it wasn’t all that difficult. You’re not the man you used to be.
Jack: It’s an interesting feeling, holding another man’s prized possession. You wonder how far he’ll go to get it back. If there’s anything he wouldn’t do.
Chuck: I will do anything.
Jack: Well there is something that caught my eye.
Dan: The application for the Tisch writing program is due in two days. I just, I need to bear down and finish my one-act.
Vanessa: Is this the same one-act that you were ninety-five percent done with last week but didn’t want to show me until it was a hundred percent done?
Jack: She’s right. It is a remarkable dress. Made only more so by you in it.
Blair: What are you doing here? Besides stalking me.
Jack: Please, I was just window shopping and saw something I liked.
Blair: You’re supposed to be meeting with Chuck.
Jack: Oh we met. Ideas were discussed, voices raised, expletives used. And how’s your morning been, Gorgeous?
Blair: You think you’ve won. But Chuck will find a way to get back what you stole. There’s always a way.
Jack: I told him how to get back his hotel. And here’s the kicker: it wouldn’t cost him a dime.
Blair: What are talking about?
Jack: I’m saying Chuck can have the Empire. And all it would cost is you. Spending the night with me. How’s that grab you?
Vanya: Hello Dorota!
Dorota: What are you doing here? I will be killed if someone finds me.
Vanya: Why would somebody kill you? Anti-loyalists from Russia?
Dorota: No. In game.
Vanya: Then I must do something before you die. Dorota, from the first moment I saw you, I knew you were princess. And everyday you make me feel like king. Will you—
Dorota: Yes yes! Of course I will marry you.
Dorota: Some day maybe you girls find true love too. And your children not grow up to be bastards.
Elliot: Hey. There you are. I think you lost this.
Eric: How’d you know what apartment I was in?
Elliot: Well I started on the first floor and worked my way up. You do realize that this is the penthouse, right?
Eric: I’m Eric.
Elliot: I’m Elliot.
Jack: Welcome home, Chuck. You’re not mad at me are you? I mean you didn’t actually believe Blair could sleep with me and you two would be okay? Or are you mad because I told her.
Chuck: You may have told her, but Blair and I will get past this.
Jack: Is that what you think? Don’t you get it Chuck? Blair’s seen the real you now. It’s over. She could never love that. No one could. I hope the Empire is everything you wanted. Because now it’s all you’ve got.
The Unblairable Lightness of Being
Eleanor: Dorota. What on earth is going on?
Dorota: I am sorry, Miss Eleanor, Mr. Cyrus.
That was my mother. She come with Father to New York on Monday.
Cyrus: But that’s wonderful! I can’t wait to meet them. Maybe we could all go have the vodka flight at the Russian Samovar.
Dorota: We go nowhere once they see me. My parents don’t know I’m pregnant. And since I’m not married they will disown me. Or worse. They will kidnap and take back to Old Country.
Cyrus: Nate!
Eleanor: Hello, Nathaniel.
Nate: I’m here to see the invalid.
Eleanor: And not a moment too soon. She hasn’t left her room for days. It’s like living with Howard Hughes. Blair is upstairs. I hope you can make some headway with her. I am not allowed to cross the transom.
Cyrus: My Slavic language skills are a little rusty, but I’m pretty sure she just said “Over my dead goat.” Or body. The words are very similar.
Eleanor: Cyrus! Come away from there. Eavesdropping on the help is undignified. Plus it confuses them.
Dorota: Every marriage I know fail if wedding has no tradition. Where did you and Mr. Harold get married?
Eleanor: I don’t think that’s the reason the marriage didn’t work out.
Eleanor: Blair does love herself a wedding.
Dorota: Please. Miss Blair, Mr. Chuck. Will you be happy couple for Vanya and me?
Chuck: Well I can’t speak for Blair but it would be my great pleasure.
Carter: Hello Beautiful. Glad you came.
Cyrus: The papers are signed!
Eleanor: Papers? What papers? Did you get her a puppy?
Cyrus: Even better. An apartment!
Eleanor: An apartment. Have you gone crazy? I was thinking more of a Vera Wang cake knife.
Cyrus: A cake knife is not enough. The apartment is great. It’s in Queens—an easy commute on the subway.
Eleanor: Why does Dorota need an apartment in Queens when she lives in a penthouse on the Upper East Side?
Cyrus: She’s getting married. They have a baby on the way. I figured—
Eleanor: You figured wrong. Getting Dorota an apartment is highly inappropriate. She’s just a maid. For goodness sake!
Cyrus: But Dorota is family. She practically raised Blair.
Dorota: Miss Blair, you go down!
Dorota: I came to America to start new life, to make new traditions. And lucky for me, I find great people to do this with. I find my family.
Blair: When I saw how happy you and Vanya are, I realized how unhappy I am.
Dorota: I wish you to be like me one day. To find right love— good love. Don’t need you to be happy couple, Miss Blair. I just need you to be happy.
Elliot: Hi Eric.
Eric: Hi. Elliot. What are you doing here?
Elliot: I love Dorota. We’re tight now. We talked about The Vampire Diaries and [?] on Friday.
Eleanor: You were right. Dorota is family. I guess I was just too scared to admit it because I didn’t want to admit that anyone could raise my daughter better than I could.
Cyrus: But you’re a great mother.
Eleanor: I could have been better. Like there was some stuff that happened before you came along.
Rufus: I love my wife but I’ve had it with all the lies. Tell me what’s going on or I’m walking out this door and I’m never looking back.
Cece: Rufus. You’re right that Lily’s not with me but more than that it’s not my place to say. I’m afraid you’ll have to get the rest from Lily.
Elliot: Hey. Wanna dance?
Eric: Um. Shouldn’t you be doing that with your girlfriend?
Elliot: Chelsea took off. We kind of got into a fight.
Eric: I’m sorry.
Elliot: I’m not. She was mad because I kept talking about this guy that I met in the lobby of my building. And then I dragged her out to Queens. I guess I’m a little obsessed.
Eric: I don’t get it. You like girls.
Elliot: But I also like boys. And I like you.
Dr. Estrangeloved
William van der Woodsen: Hello Rufus.
Rufus: Will, what the hell are you doing here?
Will: I’m here to see Lily. Is she home?
Rufus: If she was you still wouldn’t be welcome.
Dan: “We regret to inform you that, due to the high volume of applicants to the Dramatic Writing Program at the Tisch School for the Arts, we have decided to crush your dreams with this form letter.” Apparently there was only one spot for transfer students and I didn’t get it.
Vanessa: This is… really terrible.
Dan: Vanessa, it’s okay.
I mean, it sucks yeah, but I’ll survive.
Vanessa: No it’s not that. It’s just… it was me. I, um, I got the spot.
Dan: What?
Vanessa: I should have told you I was applying for Dramatic Writing as well as Film and TV. I honestly didn’t think I had a shot. It was only after I wrote that short that I started thinking how great would it be if we both got in.
Will: What do you say we get out of here? Go to Serendipity. I remember how much you used to love their banana splits.
Serena: I was four.
Will: You’re right. I shouldn’t presume to even know you. This gulf, this chasm that’s between us, it’s going to take some time but we can make it go away.
Serena: You may be here for my mom now but that doesn’t explain the last 14 years. You just left.
Will: It wasn’t exactly like that.
Serena: Then what was it like?
Will: I’ve got plenty of fresh towels, Rufus, but thanks for checking in.
Rufus: I’m actually here to make sure you check out.
Will: Okay, you don’t trust me. I get it. If I were going by the me of twenty years ago I wouldn’t trust myself either. But people change, Rufus.
Rufus: Really? Because telling Lily to hide her illness from me and the kids is just like the guy I used to know.
Will: Lily needed to remain positive. And if I may say, it worked.
Rufus: Well for that I’m eternally grateful. But now that I’m a part of this she needs a new doctor, one I can be certain has only one agenda.
Dan: Look, I don’t know what WIlla told you but keep in mind she carries around lighter fluid.
Vanessa: You told her that my Tisch sample was adapted from your story.
Dan: It slipped out. But you wrote an original piece, you don’t have anything to worry about.
Vanessa: You mean because Willa’s going to call her father and straighten it out with the dean? Thanks, Dan. You really made sure I was off to a great start.
Dan: You’re not— you’re not being fair. That was not my fault.
Vanessa: I asked you if you were okay with me getting in. Why weren’t you honest with me?
Dan: Like you were honest with me—going behind my back to apply for the one thing I wanted more than anything?
Vanessa: I explained that.
Dan: No! No, you justified that. You said yourself that if you knew there’d only be one spot you wouldn’t have applied.
Vanessa: What are, what are you saying? You want me to withdraw my application?
Dan: No. No. Of course not. But what were you expecting my reaction to be?
Vanessa: I, um, I don’t know. Not this.
Dorota: In Poland we have a saying: “Love is like head wound.” It make you dizzy. You think you die, but you recover. Usually.
Blair: That’s a terrible saying. pause. Tomorrow can we feed the ducks?
Dorota: I already buy bread.
It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World
Will: So I hope you’ll all join me for this Doctors Without Borders gala tomorrow at Columbia. I must admit I feel a bit silly about the whole thing. Clearly Columbia has run out of alumni to honor if the best they could come up with is me.
Eric: False humility: check.
Zoe: You probably don’t remember us. But we met at your mom’s fashion show.
Blair: Yeah, of course. Hair Band Girl. I never forget a good accessory.
Eric: Please stop acting like you and I have any kind of relationship.
Will: You’re right, I have a lot to make up for.
Eric: I’m sorry. The window for that closed somewhere between my twelfth birthday and my suicide attempt. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. Going through all that without a father made me realize that I don’t need one.
Dan: Did you apply for a documentary internship in Haiti?
Vanessa: Yeah. The producer just called. I got the job.
Dan: When were you planning on telling me about this?
Vanessa: This morning. And then you put internships on the “Do not discuss” list and I panicked.
Dan: Why? This is not about competing for something. This is about our relationship.
Vanessa: But both of those have been so tied up in each other. And this job is a huge deal for me, Dan.
Dan: You can’t pretend like you going away for three months is not going to affect us.
Vanessa: I think I didn’t want to face that. It was just so much easier when we were just friends and we could talk about things.
Dan: Alright. So is that what you want, then? You wanna go back to just friends.
Vanessa: I don’t know.
Blair: Apparently Jenny Humphrey’s claiming squatter’s rights on her old room. It’s disgusting.
Zoe: Oh my god Jenny can’t do that to Serena van der Woodsen.
Amalia: So what’s the plan of attack?
Blair: It’s between Serena and Jenny. Anyway I had some bad luck recently getting in a real estate dispute.
Amalia: I told you. Blair Waldorf was over the minute she became a student at NYU.
Blair: Are you third-personing me? I third person people, not you.
Zoe: Exactly. You’re Blair Waldorf. Fashion icon. Queen B. And probably the future president of the United States. Or Chanel. Jenny Humphrey just kicked Serena van der Woodsen out of her room and you’re not going to do anything?
Blair: I would. I just don’t have any dirt on Jenny right now.
Amalia: Ahem. I do. Jenny and her boyfriend sold my boyfriend Adderal a couple of months ago. Lose the judge face, Zoe. He took a very heavy course load that semester.
Blair: I think you girls got some misinformation. I will be attending Columbia in the fall.
Amalia: Oh. That’s awesome.
Zoe: We have an extra room in the apartment. Maybe you want to move in with us.
Blair: No. I don’t live with the help. Oh! And you wanted to see a Blair Waldorf takedown? Well cross me again and you’ll experience one firsthand.
Ex-Husbands and Wives
Holland: I don’t know what you want me to say.
Rufus: Well Serena’s under the impression that you know something about something I did.
Holland: I shouldn’t be here.
Rufus: Go on. I have nothing to hide from my family. Please tell them the truth.
Holland: Rufus and I slept together.
GG: Talk about love thy neighbor.
Rufus: What?
Holland: I’m sorry.
GG: Next time, Rufus, choose one who knows how to keep a secret.
Blair: Did Chuck send you? His pill plan didn’t work so he sent Frik and Frak to ruin my date?
Dan: No, Blair, this is about my dad and Lily. This woman Holland has accused him of cheating.
Blair: Wait a minute. An artist or a hippie activist maybe. But rooftop garden committee? I knew that something wasn’t right when Serena told me. No way would another Upper East Sider shtup Rufus. pause. My step-father’s Jewish.
Cameron: Ah.
Nate: Blair, we can’t let Lily leave Rufus. Will you help us?
Cameron: Exposing scandal on the Upper East Side? Show me your world, Blair Waldorf.
Blair: They’d be lost without me.
Will: You all set? My bags are downstairs.
Serena: Yeah, Um,
I was thinking you know maybe we could just wait and fly out tomorrow.
Will: I wish we could. I’ve got to get to my patient immediately.
Serena: Are you sure that’s what it’s about? People are saying you’re behind this Holland thing.
Will: Holland.
Eric: Is my mom really sick? Right now that’s all I want to know.
Will: Of course she was sick. To even imagine that I would prescribe your mother medication that she didn’t need? That’s preposterous. I’ve got the files in my bag. Do you want to see them?
Serena: You don’t have to prove yourself.
Will: Apparently I do. Excuse me.
Lily: William.
Serena: I need you to tell me the truth.
Will: When your mother came to me last summer she was sick. I cured her. Then I fell in love with her again. When I came here, saw you and Eric, I realized how badly I’d messed up. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I just wanted my family back.
Serena: All you needed to do was be here.
Will: I’m sorry, Serena. I just thought, unless your mother needed me, you weren’t going to give me a chance.
Serena: Well the police are on their way now, so you should probably go.
Will: Why don’t you come with me.
Serena: I don’t forgive you. I also don’t need to punish you, so if you just go now I’ll make sure they don’t come after you.
Will: I love you, Serena.
Serena: I love you too, Dad. Go now.
Last Tango, Then Paris
Cyrus: Now, as soon as that moment comes your mother and I are heading straight back to Paris. So are you coming with us? What are your plans?
Blair: Nothing. Beyond having a second date with Cameron this afternoon. And staying as far as possible from the Empire State Building.
Cyrus: What’s the Empire State Building have to do with it?
Blair: An Affair to Remember was on TCM last night; it gave me nightmares.
Dorota: Blair loves the Empire State Building even though she doesn’t want to and she should just admit it and make all our life easier.
Blair: I need to make sure that whatever happens, I don’t go anywhere near that stupid Art Deco landmark.
Dorota: Miss Blair, I defriend Mr. Chuck in Facebook and in life. But this is pretty romantic thing he’s doing. If not going means never having Chuck in your life again are you prepared to live like that?
Blair: Yes. But even if I’m not, if you let me go anywhere near 34th Street there won’t be a miracle but a massacre.
Georgina: Hi Dan.
Dan: Georgina, what are you doing back in town?
Georgina: Looking for you actually. I have something of yours.
Dan: What? I don’t remember giving you anything.
Georgina: Well. You gave me this.
Dan: What?
Georgina: Congratulations, Daddy! He looks just like you.
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