Belles de Jour
Rufus: Jenny looks so good. You could even tell what color her eyes are.
Lily: Well sending her to Hudson was a good decision.
Lily: Eleanor, you’re early.
Eleanor: Oh just to set up, dear. And to accessorize you properly.
Rufus: You know, Bass is not her middle name.
Eleanor: I was afraid nobody would know who she was. Not a lot of Humphreys in the society pages.
Lily: You don’t have to stick around if you don’t want to.
Rufus: Oh, you think I’d skip out on a room full of champagne and models. Are you forgetting I used to be a rock star?
Rufus: Why do you have Chuck’s travel itinerary, bank statements and credit card bills?
Lily: Because I think he might be in trouble.
Rufus: After what he did, good.
Lily: Look, for better or worse he’s a part of this family.
Lily answering the phone: It’s from France. Hello? … Yes this is she. … Oh my god, is it Serena? Is she okay? … Okay, I will.
Rufus: What? What is it?
Lily: A body washed up in Paris shot. The identification they found says it’s Charles Bass.
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Double Identity
Rufus to Milo: Milo, I think you have the Humphrey jaw.
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The Undergraduates
Rufus: I’m dreading this. As much as the truth might be a relief it’s also the toughest thing he’ll ever have to face.
Lily: Well just be prepared. Who knows how he’ll react. He may not even believe you.
Rufus: Genetics don’t lie, even though some doctors who administer paternity tests do.
Rufus: I’m so sorry. I know how much Milo means to you.
Dan: I just can’t believe this. Why? Why would Georgina do this?
Lily: You have every right to be upset with him, but we can’t undo what’s already been done. He’s trying to make amends—take responsibility. What else is there? He met this woman who’s had a big impact on him. You can see for yourself how much. I invited them to the party tomorrow night. And I would appreciate if you would just give them both a chance.
Rufus: Well, Jenny keeps telling me it wasn’t his fault. Maybe it’s time I believed her.
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Touch of Eva
Rufus: Dan, you need to face what’s really going on here.
Dan: Dad, nothing is going on. Milo’s gone. I don’t need to be an adult anymore. I was just— Can’t I have a fun day with a friend?
Rufus: Not if it involves lying to the woman you’re living with. Dan. Talk to me.
Dan: When Milo was here, every decision I made was for his benefit. But now, I mean, I just wonder if I made all the wrong choices. When Georgina showed up here that day—pregnant—I mean I was about to fly to Paris. I was going to tell Serena that I loved her and that I would do whatever it took to get her back.
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Goodbye, Columbia
Vanessa: Your guitar tuner. Really? You have the worst poker face ever.
Rufus: Okay, fine. Dan hasn’t been returning my calls and I wanted to make sure everything was okay with you guys.
Vanessa: Everything is better than okay. Dan and I had a marathon talk. Everything we hadn’t dealt with, including Serena. And from now on there’s no more secrets or surprises.
Rufus: Well that’s great. Never doubted you guys for a second.
Vanessa: Seriously. You need to practice in the mirror or something. I don’t know how they let you live on the Upper East Side.
Dan: There’s a rumor going around that Serena has, um… she has something.
Rufus: Has “something”?
Dan: Yeah. Please get there faster.
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War at the Roses
Dan: Hey, how would you and Lily feel about celebrating with a nice family road trip?
Rufus: Actually we decided to order in tonight. Just have a quiet evening alone.
Dan: I thought you said it was really important to celebrate with the whole family.
Rufus: We did but Jenny has a big test she has to study for, can’t make it back to the city, and it doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.
Eric: I know the first wedding anniversary’s supposed to be paper but that’s not really an excuse to eat out of cartons.
Rufus: I was happy with eating Shun Lee out of a carton, Lil. This is all just very Upper East Side.
Lily: I know you think you’re rock and roll, but you are wearing a two thousand dollar jacket.
Rufus: Let’s go check out those cookies in the shape of Blair’s shoes.
Dan: My sister doesn’t feel safe to live in her own house or be with her parents on their anniversary. She was a different person before she met the two of you.
Nate: Come on Dan. It’s not about Jenny. It may have started out that way but this is about you getting revenge. And you went behind my back to get it.
Dan: I know Nate, but come on. They deserve what they get. I’m not sorry.
Rufus: No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you’ve become one of them.
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Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
Dan: Things between us got so sidetracked with Milo and Vanessa, I just would like to get them figured out once and for all. I don’t know how she feels.
Rufus: So take her to coffee, or something, and ask her.
Dan: You’re right. I’ll just go find her on campus. I’m gonna go for broke today.
Rufus: Glad I could be so influential.
Dan: Oh no, it’s actually the title of chapter one here: “Going for Broke”. But, um, you’re awesome too Dad.
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The Witches of Bushwick
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Gaslit
Eric: Do we have relatives I don’t know about?
Rufus: It’s always a possibility. Your mother wanted to pull out all the stops this year.
Eric: So this is about denial.
Rufus: Have you heard from Serena?
Eric: No, ah, she hasn’t responded to any of my texts. And granted most of them included angry emoticons but I was actually thinking of going over to Blair’s now to talk to her.
Lily: You will do no such thing.
Rufus: Come on Lil. It’s the holidays.
Lily: She dropped out of college, she refuses to return our phone calls. She’s a grown woman throwing temper tantrums just to punish me. When she is ready to take responsibility for her actions we’ll talk. Until then, you know what, I’m done being punished.
Rufus: All they could tell us is what we already know. She dialed 911 from a motel in Queens and that drugs were involved.
Lily: What are we supposed to do?
Rufus: For now? Just be here when she wakes up.
Lily: I’m going to go get a cup of coffee.
Lily: You think she was taking something and not telling us?
Rufus: I don’t know.
Jenny: Dad, I came as soon as I—
Vanessa: Sorry, I had to tell him what you did to Serena.
Jenny: What I did?
Rufus: Vanessa told me she overheard how you were going to turn everyone against Serena. That’s the real reason you came back to teach her some kind of a lesson. Well you sure did. You proud of yourself?
Rufus: I didn’t want to get into it in front of everyone, but now it’s your turn to face the music.
Jenny: Maybe I did try to trick Serena at the Saints and Sinners party but I didn’t do it alone. And we didn’t mean for it to end up like this.
Rufus: We?
Jenny: Yes! Juliet, me and Vanessa. We were all in it together.
Rufus: That’s not what Vanessa said.
Jenny: What are you going to believe her more than me?
Rufus: Jenny I’m not going to argue with you about how responsible you are. One-third, two-thirds—you can’t deny you did it! And I am not Vanessa and Juliet’s father, I’m yours. Serena could have died.
Jenny: I know! Dad, I know— I’m sorry! I— It was supposed to be a prank to teach her a lesson. I never should have come back to the city.
Rufus: Well on that we can both agree.
Jenny: Then I guess there’s no reason for me to stay.
Rufus: Jenny where are you going?
Lily: Do you know that once upon a time Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday?
Rufus: I guess we should know better at this point.
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The Townie
Rufus: It’s a little early in the day for that, don’t you think? Things not go well?
Lily: No, actually. The interview was, um, fine.
Board Member: Please, Rufus, take the holiday to get things under control. With the upcoming sale of Bass Industries we don’t need any more surprises. Rufus looks confused. Lily said she told you.
Rufus: Of course, yeah. Forgive me, it’s been a dizzying few days.
Chuck: Look, everyone here has crossed a line to protect someone they care about. Sometimes there’s collateral damage.
Rufus: It’s not so easy when you’re the collateral damage. Maybe it’s time to put everything on the table. Lily, do you have something you need to tell Chuck?
Lily: Well if there was something I wanted to tell Charles I would have told him.
Rufus: Lily’s selling Bass Industries.
Lily: I… I didn’t want to hurt anyone, Rufus. I really thought I was helping.
Rufus: I’m sorry, Lily. I don ‘t know that I believe that anymore.
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The Kids Are Not All Right
Rufus: I’m sorry for ambushing you guys, but we need to start talking again.
Rufus: She’ll come around. Just give her time.
Lily: Thank you for trusting me.
Rufus: I’m gonna go get our check and the coats.
Lily: I wish we didn’t have to go, but…
Rufus: But nothing. According to this invitation it’s going to be a “wing-ding”.
Rufus: So. Russell Thorpe seems nice.
Lily: Oh my god! It’s not just his disloyalty or deviousness, it’s his pomposity.
Rufus: And the fact that you slept with him?
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Damien Darko
Lily: I get Ben out on parole but Serena and Eric continue to treat me like I’m toxic.
Rufus: I know you did what you could, but Ben’s still going to have a criminal record. Give them time.
Lily: Everything I do or have ever done is for my children. And someday they’ll realize that. {pause} Right?
Rufus: Mm.
Lily: Hm.
Serena: Well at least now I know why Ben lied. He doesn’t want to have anything to do with me because I’m the daughter of the person that ruined the last three years of his life and is trying to ruin the rest of it.
Lily: Thirty thousand dollars would hardly ruin his life.
Rufus: You said you were going to help find Ben an apartment, not pay him to disappear.
Eric: Where’s mom?
Rufus: She’s still licking her wounds. We were all pretty hard on her this afternoon. I never would have come to a party like this without her, but I needed some air.
Eric: Oh, hey. I get it. Being in a room with a selfish manipulator can really suck the life out of you.
Rufus: Eric. I just heard that you’ve been hanging out with Damien. Are you doing drugs?
Eric: You know, I could lie and say no, but I bought sleeping pills. And then I needed Adderall to wake back up, but it was a… it was stupid. And I’m done with it.
Rufus: If you need help, I want to make sure you get it.
Eric: I don’t care about the drugs. Damien was just there when no one else would listen.
Rufus: Ben, I realize my wife hasn’t treated you justly in any way. I’d like to help.
Ben: You’re not going to offer me more money, are you?
Rufus: You deserve a real shot at getting back on your feet again. And that’s gonna be tough to do living in a halfway house. I have an extra room at my loft and I’d love it if you’d move in. After everything that’s happened it’s the least we can do.
Ben: I haven’t experienced a lot of kindness lately. I gotta think about it, but it sounds good.
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Panic Roommate
PO: Hi. I’m here for the home inspection.
Dan: Home inspection for what?
Rufus: Ah. Sorry we’re late. You must be Ben’s parole officer.
Rufus: Well that’s the grand tour. Bedroom’s in the back, kitchen’s in the front. Nineties rock relics everywhere.
Dan: Are you seriously letting Serena’s stalker move in here?
Rufus: I told you last week this was a possibility.
Dan: I didn’t think you’d actually do it. Especially without talking to me first.
Rufus: I didn’t think I needed your approval. After everything he’s been through don’t you think we owe it to him?
Dan: Sure, by “we” you mean Lily. Why doesn’t he just move into Chuck’s old room?
And what do you plan on telling Serena about this? I’m sure she’s not going to be okay with it.
Rufus: Actually she’s more than okay with it. It was her idea.
Dan: You heard what happened? Are you seriously mad at me now?
Rufus: Well I can’t say I’m entirely pleased.
Dan: You put Max Cady in my living room. What was I supposed to do?
Rufus: I guess I didn’t realize how deeply you felt about it.
Dan: I know you’ve got a lot on your plate right now. It’s gotta be hard for you to be caught in the middle like this.
Rufus: Well I’m sorry I didn’t ask you first. I thought I was doing the right thing.
Eric: Ah, you were. Ben didn’t hit Damien. I did.
Dan: Oh my god.
Dan: Hey, have you talked to Eric?
Rufus: He wasn’t here when I got up. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s off somewhere with Damien. I don’t know what to do, how to get through to him.
Dan: It’s gonna be okay. I’m meeting with Nate, we’re gonna take care of it.
Rufus: You should know that Dan and Nate are on their way over to Damien’s to look for you.
Eric: Damien ditched me after the party, so the strongest drug I’m on is double Macchiatto. Are we done?
Rufus: No. No. We’re not. Talk to me. Make me understand why you want to spend so much time with a guy like him when you have all your other friends.
Eric: I can’t believe I’m going to say this out loud—it sounds so stupid—but I thought Damien got me. You know, we could just hang out together and do nothing. He was there for me.
Rufus: That kind of a guy always is.
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It-Girl Happened One Night
Lily: I’m sorry. Love, Actually and the Jacques Torres fondue will have to wait. I just got off the phone with Pete Holmberg. There was an emergency meeting of the Bass board. I’m being accused of an ethics violation and conflict-of-interest.
Rufus: Stand up for yourself. Don’t let Thorpe get away with that.
Lily: It wasn’t Thorpe, it was Charles. He had me removed from the board effective immediately.
Rufus: What are you going to do?
Lily: I don’t know what deal he cut with Thorpe but it is not the way to win.
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While You Weren’t Sleeping
Rufus: How’s the patient? Do I need to change my breakfast with Thurston?
Lily: No. He’s going to be fine. I wish I could say the same about this meeting.
Rufus: Stay strong. I know you’ll do great.
Rufus: I kind of like this double-agent thing you have going on.
Rufus: Lily, what the hell is going on?
Russell: Nice to see you again, Rufus.
Rufus: You think I’m a fool? I know what went on between the two of you. And it looks like it’s still going.
Lily: Please. This is not the time.
Rufus: You’re the one who invited him to Eric’s eighteenth birthday party.
Russell: Actually I was just leaving.
Lily: You know, some men know how to behave appropriately at social events. Russell, I’m so sorry. I’ll call you later.
Lily: You know you’re not so bad at that double-agent thing yourself.
Rufus: Think he bought it?
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Empire of the Son
Rufus: We’ll get through this.
Lily: You sound so sure I almost believe you.
Lawyer: They’re ready for us.
Rufus: I’ll be waiting.
Lawyer: Lily, this is Assistant District Attorney Vincent. He’s going to be taking your statement.
ADA Vincent: Whenever you’re ready, Mrs. Humphrey.
Rufus: So why did you want to grab coffee with your old man?
Dan: Do I need a reason?
Rufus: No, but you have one.
Dan: I, ah, I need your advice. But I gotta keep the details vague.
Rufus: Please, the vaguer the better. It keeps parenting a challenge.
Dan: You ever hung out with someone but not been able to tell anyone?
Rufus: You mean, ah, hang out, hang out or, you know… “hang out” hang out?
Dan: Oh god, this was a bad idea.
Rufus: What? That was vague. Well for what it’s worth, when Lily and I started hanging out again, neither of us wanted anyone else to know. But friendship can be an excuse—a cover when there’s something more you don’t want to admit, or you’re too scared to explore.
Dan: No… no. No. I mean, there’s no way. I mean even the thought of that is—
Rufus: Scary.
Dan: No, I mean we’re not even friends. I swear… we’re not.
Will: Rufus. Hello.
Rufus: Will, what the hell are you doing here?
Rufus: I suggest you leave. I’m not the only one who remembers why you were run out of town after your last visit.
Will: I appreciate your concern, Rufus. I tell you what, I’ll let Cece explain everything. She’s flying in as soon as she can.
Rufus: What?
Will: I don’t think Lily quite realizes what she’s in for. It’s time to circle the wagons, Rufus. It’s what we do best.
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The Kids Stay in the Picture
Coordinator: The revised portrait concept is William van der Woodsen and his two children.
Eric: Wait, no. The point was to do this for my mom.
Rufus: I think the point for Will is to always do something for himself.
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Petty in Pink
Rufus: Thanks for the movies. You want to come over later and join us for some screenings?
Dan: Um… you know what, I might have a thing.
Rufus: A thing? That’s intriguingly vague.
Dan: The editor got some tip that this European prince is going to be in town. Wants to do a “day in the life” story, like what a royal does in New York. And the guy doesn’t like the media, apparently, Which in this case is me. So that means I gotta follow him. We’re talking staking out his hotel.
Rufus: Provided this prince isn’t rolling with Lindsay Lohan, I don’t know what he has to hide. I think it’s a great opportunity.
Dan: Well, ah, let the record show I put up a valiant fight.
Rufus: Speaking of fights, where do things stand with you and Vanessa? Have you guys talked?
Dan: Yes. Only to reiterate the fact that we have nothing to talk about.
Rufus: You know I was angry with Vanessa too. But you guys have been friends your whole lives. That’s not something you give up without some thought.
Eric: Hey! Where are they going with those scones?
Rufus: My guess is Blaine Trump’s. I think your mother may have underestimated the impact of her sentence on her social standing.
Eric: The only thing thicker than blood is the ink on Page Six.
Serena: What about It’s a Wonderful Life? That’ll cheer mom up.
Eric: No. No. She’s in a dark place. She has to work out her issues with The Godfather. Or Taxi Driver.
Rufus: What about Intolerance? That pretty much sums up the situation.
Rufus: You know I might live on the Upper East Side, but I have no pull here. Now if the Pink Party was at CBGB’s—
Serena: I hate to break it to you, but CBGB’s is a clothing store now.
Rufus: I want the party moved more than anyone, but it’s not worth resorting to blackmail.
Serena: Yeah. You’re probably right. So. Psycho or Silence of the Lambs?
Rufus: Alright, make the call.
Rufus: I am so sorry about tonight.
Lily: Don’t be. First of all, it was so sweet of you to move the party for me. And I needed to hear those things that Anne said. Fact is, maybe I could use a little time to reflect on my actions and what got me here. There is nothing more appealing to me than staying home with you and watching a hundred movies. And never seeing those women again.
Rufus: Oh good, because I can promise you that’s what we’ll do for the next nine months. Or six. With good behavior.
The Princesses and the Frog
Dan: Well hello Jeeves.
Rufus: We’re watching Downton Abbey. Edwardian social dramas apparently require crumpets.
Dan: Nice to see she’s finally accepting this whole house arrest thing.
Rufus: Between you and me, now matter how much they love each other, no two people should spend 24/7 together. But my time as a drawingroom butler might be quickly coming to an end. This guy from my old label was wondering if I was into producing a record for a new indie band he just signed. So I don’t know.
Dan: You don’t know what? That sounds like an amazing opportunity.
Rufus: It does, doesn’t it? I mean I don’t need to be back on stage but do miss the music world.
Dan: I’m here to picking up Charlie anyway.
Rufus: Charlie. Hm. You guys have been spending a lot of time together lately.
Dan: Dad, don’t worry. We’re just friends.
Rufus: Just be careful.
Dan: Dad, why are dressed like the Fonz?
Rufus: It’s my lucky tour jacket.
Dan: I take it lunch with the label went well.
Rufus: Yeah. They want me to have Panic—the name of band, also what’s gripping my insides—over for dinner tomorrow.
Eric: And you want to be the cool rocker guy.
Rufus: Come on, I was the cool rocker guy.
Eric: Yeah, but now the penthouse, the art, the millionaireness wife under house arrest doesn’t exactly scream street cred.
Rufus: I wouldn’t have put it that way, but Panic is the real deal.
Dan: So invite them to the loft tomorrow. You can keep it casual, impress them with your gold records.
Rufus: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Will you guys come?
Eric: Yeah. We could invite Charlie too.
Dan: You were right, Dad. I think she might have a little crush.
Rufus: I knew it.
Dan: But I didn’t lead her on though, I swear.
Rufus: Just promise me the next time you see her you’ll be clear about your feelings.
Eric: Ah, there’s a sommelier! Okay, your Fonzi jacket was a better idea than this.
Dan: Dad, I’m so sorry. I had no idea that she would do anything like this.
Rufus: It’s fine. I just don’t want Charlie to think she’s ruined anything. I’ll head Panic off downstairs, tell them there’s been a change of plans and take them out to eat.
Eric: Great. And we’ll just tell her that the band cancelled.
Dan: Yeah, we’ll take her to a movie or something.
Dan: How’d it go with the band?
Rufus: You’re looking at Panic’s next producer.
Dan: What? That’s great! What’d you do?
Rufus: I did what I should have done in the first place: talked about music.
Dan: Please tell me this means Lily can now donate that leather jacket to charity.
Rufus: You kidding? I’m saving that for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Or the Smithsonian. Right next to Fonzi’s actual jacket.
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Shattered Bass
Rufus: Hey. Your mom called and she was concerned that you were due for a refill on your medication, didn’t get it.
Charlie: Shoot. I was so excited about going to the fundraiser tonight with Dan that I forgot to pick it up on my way home. I’ll go right now.
Rufus: I already did. Ah, your mom told me that last time things went well you stopped taking it.
Charlie: And then they went from well to hell. Trust me, I never want that to happen again.
Rufus: I’m glad. Neither do we.
Charlie: You have nothing to worry about. Unlike me, who has no idea what I’m going to wear tonight.
Rufus: Hey Serena. And… Vanessa? I’m not even going to ask what the two of you are doing together. But have either of you seen Charlie?
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The Wrong Goodbye
Three weeks later…
Rufus: He’s getting twenty years.
Chuck: Sounds fair. That’s how long he kept the secret.
Lily: Well I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes, I’ll tell you that.
Chuck: What about your shoes? When’s that happening?
Nate: Yeah. What are your plans for the summer, Mrs. Humphrey?
Lily: Well I’m going to be getting very pale. This thing doesn’t come off until the fall. Just in time to send my baby off to college.
Eric: Sarah Lawrence is like fifteen minutes. I don’t really think I need to be sent off. A light breeze could take me there.
Rufus: At least you don’t have to worry about sun damage and we don’t have to spend the month of August with Eleanor and Cyrus on that cruise like they suggested. Can you imagine?
Blair: I don’t think the Principality of Monaco’s yacht counts as a cruise, Mr. Humphrey.
Rufus: Well, they didn’t mention that. Maybe there’s still time to RSVP.