Reversals of Fortune
Dan: Our bags are packed, the house is closed up, but the real question remains: now that you’ve spent your whole summer drinking your coffee out of Cece’s china will it taste as good coming out of your Welcome Back Kotter mug at home?
Rufus: Sure it was great out here but I like the real world too. Well I mean since we’ll be at Lily’s it’s the better smelling, better thread count version of the real world but still.
Serena: What’s that?
Rufus: The money your mother left us for emergencies. Not to boast but we haven’t used a penny of it all summer.
Jenny: Well thank heaven for salaried servants and an account at the beach club, right.
Rufus: Well I’m glad I have the number for City Harvest. This is all a little much.
Dan: A little much? It makes the Four Seasons look like… one season.
Serena: I’m really sorry about yesterday. I thought after the whole arrest scandal, out of sight out of mind. I had no idea it would be worse when I got back.
Rufus: You’ve apologized enough, Serena. No one’s blaming you. Now that those vulture’s have the first shot of your return I’m sure they’ll leave you alone. It’s not like you’re going to get arrested again.
Rufus: I don’t understand. Serena’s arrest was months ago. Why do they still care about her so much?
Eric: Her hair.
Jenny: Her clothes.
Jenny: Her hair.
Eric: Her hairstyle.
Rufus: What do you know that I don’t know?
Dan: I see the cat’s out of the bag.
Rufus: And topless on Valentino’s yacht.
Jenny: So fair, everyone’s topless on Valentino’s yacht.
The Freshmen
Rufus: If you and Eric will let me, I’d really like to be more to you than Lily’s most recent husband. Let me help you with this.
Serena: Wow. I, uh, I would really appreciate that Rufus.
The Lost Boy
Jenny: Dad, Scott’s been spending a lot of time here lately.
Rufus: Yeah he’s a good kid. Good guitar player too.
Dan de Fleurette
Rufus: Lil, she’s going to be okay.
Lily: This is your fault.
Rufus: That’s not fair.
Lily: Not fair? I go away to take care of my mother, and I come back and my daughter’s not going to college. I trusted you.
Rufus: Then trust me now. Don’t force her.
Rufus Getting Married
Dan: Dad, what are you doing here?
Rufus: I’ve been running.
Dan: You’ve been running? With jeans on? And it didn’t chafe?
Rufus: If you don’t mind I need to sleep in my own bed tonight. Maybe longer.
Lily: You’re kidding.
Rufus: I knew I let you kids watch The Parent Trap too many times.
Lily: Rufus?
Rufus: Lily, where are you?
Lily: Where are you?! I’m at the loft. I came to apologize. I don’t know why I got so crazy.
Rufus: You are right. I am never going to really understand this world I am now part of. But that doesn’t stop me from loving you. It never has.
Lily: I love you too.
Rufus: Well we can keep asking each other if we can do this. We can keep planning and talking adjusting and talking some more. Or we can just leap. So let’s leap. Let’s get married.
Lily: We’re already getting married, Rufus.
Rufus: I mean soon. I mean tomorrow. We leap.
Lily: Oh my god. Yes. We leap.
Lily: Look Rufus we just drove around the entire block. He’s not here. Vanessa was wrong.
Rufus: The bus for Boston leaves in eight minutes. So he could still come. You know he could be anywhere. Let’s go back to the bus stop.
Lily: But—
Rufus: What are you doing? Let’s go.
Lily: What’s the point?
Rufus: The point is we can still find him.
Lily: Well if we do, after what I just did— What am I supposed to say to him?
Rufus: That we’re his parents. And we’re here for him. That love can fix things.
Lily: We both know that’s not true.
Rufus: You know what? I don’t.
Rufus: And I promise to eat caviar without spitting it in my napkin when we go to dinner at Mayor Bloomberg’s. As long as he knows that when he comes to our house he’s eating my chili.
Kim Gordon: Lily?
Lily: And Rufus, I know that our future will be just like us: flawed and fragmented. And full of more love than I ever thought possible. I am so excited for you to be my husband. And for our children—all of them—to be my family.
Kim Gordon: Well, by the power vested in me, by a sketchy service on the internet, I pronounce you husband and wife.
Lily: Well it took twenty years but we finally made it.
Rufus: I wouldn’t have done it any other way.
Enough About Eve
Rufus: Hey. You made it!
Gabriela: Rufus. Come here. would you let me look at you! Lay off the caffeine. It’s giving you wrinkles.
Rufus: Eh. I’m just sorry Arlo couldn’t make it.
Gabriela: He says hello. He had to finish installing solar panels on the chicken coop at the co-op.
How to Succeed In Bassness
Rufus: We’re not going to that club opening.
Lily: But I already got costumes.
Rufus: Aren’t you the one telling me I shouldn’t embarrass the kids?
Lily: Well that’s when you wanted us all to dress up like The Ramones.
Rufus: Well Jenny would make a great Joey.
The Grandfather: Part II
Rufus: Did my son just walk out before playing a Q on a double letter? That is so not the Humphrey way.
They Shoot Humphreys, Don’t They?
Rufus: I still really don’t get how these events work.
The Treasure of Serena Madre
Rufus: You know what, why don’t we just eat?
Jenny: I’ve lost my appetite.
Blair: And I want pie.
The Hurt Locket
Rufus: I thought you’d be at school by now.
Dan: I thought you lived on the Upper East Side with your wife.
Rufus: I’m not willing to explain myself, Dan.
Dan: Alright fine. You can make your own damn waffles.
Rufus: C’mon, Dan.
Dan: Listen, you’re the one who’s always saying to be honest and talk about things, so… I really hope you’re not going to let your marriage die because you’re scared to take your own advice.
Rufus: We need to talk.
Lily: Rufus. Finally! I must have called you a hundred times.
Rufus: I told you I’d call you back when I was ready.
Lily: I guess I just didn’t expect it to take quite so long.
Rufus: Well I guess you should have thought about that before you spent the night in a hotel room with your ex-husband.
The Lady Vanished
Rufus: Jennifer, pack your bags or I will!
Jenny: Alright fine. I’ll do it myself.
Lily: Rufus, can we please talk about this?
Rufus: No. We can’t. You know while she’s packing her stuff maybe I’ll grab what’s left of my own.
Rufus: Did you know about this?
Lily: No, Rufus. I did not know about a giant bag of pills.
Jenny: Okay. So let’s get it over with then. Am I grounded for life? Military school? What?
Rufus: Probably both. But this goes way past that, Jenny. See, I look at you. And I don’t see my daughter anymore.
The Sixteen-Year-Old Virgin
Lily: How are things going with Jenny?
Rufus: We have an understanding. She goes to school, she comes home, she does not date boys with pills.
Lily: I’m sure she’s furious.
Rufus: The Hulk was furious. There’s no word for what Jenny is.
Rufus: Lil, I think this morning has been a step in the right direction. But I’m not quite in the mood to celebrate any of your former husbands right now.
Jack: You look glorious as always.
Rufus: How dare you come to an event you know my wife is at.
Jack: Rufus. Don’t blow a gasket. I just came to offer my apology. Lily, I wasn’t myself that night at the opera gallery. I’d had a lot to drink, took some of those over-the-counter pills they started keeping behind the corner recently, and some meth.
The Empire Strikes Jack
Jenny: Dad, the last time I worked for Eleanor it didn’t exactly end well, remember?
Rufus: But I also remember that my daughter used to love working in fashion. C’mon, at least give it a shot. Your room’s not going anywhere.
Rufus: Son, I have to tell you. This date is a disaster. What’s going on?
Dan: She has this idea that we’re stuck in a rut, and she’s trying to break us out of it.
Rufus: A rut? You just started dating.
Dan: I know.
Rufus: Look, the two of you just need to talk this through. She’s Vanessa, you’re Dan. You guys are best friends.
Rufus: Did she just leave?
Dan: Mm hm.
Rufus: Oh.
Inglourious Bassterds
Rufus: Telling a woman you like her clothes is not lying. It’s self-preservation.
The Unblairable Lightness of Being
Rufus: Hi this is Rufus Humphrey. I’ve left a few messages for my wife Lily and haven’t heard back. And she didn’t call me at her usual time. I know you have rules about no phones…. Lily Humphrey…. Maybe it’s under Lily van der Woodsen…. Bass…. exasperated Rhodes?
Rufus: I love my wife but I’ve had it with all the lies. Tell me what’s going on or I’m walking out this door and I’m never looking back.
Cece: Rufus. You’re right that Lily’s not with me but more than that it’s not my place to say. I’m afraid you’ll have to get the rest from Lily.
Dr. Estrangeloved
William van der Woodsen: Hello Rufus.
Rufus: Will, what the hell are you doing here?
Will: I’m here to see Lily. Is she home?
Rufus: If she was you still wouldn’t be welcome.
Lily: William, what’s going on?
Rufus: I was just about to ask you that, Lily.
Lily: Rufus, it wasn’t my mother who was sick. It was me.
Rufus: Why didn’t you tell me?
Lily: I don’t know. You have every right to be mad at me.
Rufus: I don’t want to be mad. I just want to understand. Lily, talk to me.
Lily: I was scared. I was more scared than I’ve ever been. And telling you… I mean to see the look on your face, I couldn’t bear it. And then when Will said that the minute people start treating you like you’re sick—especially your loved ones—that your body starts to listen to it. And I… I guess I just used that as an excuse. Because I knew the minute I told you that it would all become so real.
Rufus: So, ah, Will told you not to tell me.
Lily: Everything that he has done, and everything that he has said, has worked.
Rufus: I know. That’s all that’s important.
Will: I’ve got plenty of fresh towels, Rufus, but thanks for checking in.
Rufus: I’m actually here to make sure you check out.
Will: Okay, you don’t trust me. I get it. If I were going by the me of twenty years ago I wouldn’t trust myself either. But people change, Rufus.
Rufus: Really? Because telling Lily to hide her illness from me and the kids is just like the guy I used to know.
Will: Lily needed to remain positive. And if I may say, it worked.
Rufus: Well for that I’m eternally grateful. But now that I’m a part of this she needs a new doctor, one I can be certain has only one agenda.
Lily: Thank you, Rufus. I know William being back is hard for you.
Rufus: that matters is you getting better.
It’s a Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad World
Rufus: Serena, please. I think it’s great that you’re moving back in but this is Jenny’s room now. All her things are here. You can stay in Chuck’s old room.
Serena: No way. That room is haunted by Chuck’s depravity. Jenny can take it. I’m sure it wouldn’t bother you.
Eric: You’re not at the gala?
Rufus: I thought it’d be best for everybody if I didn’t go.
Eric: Ah, I see my father is still working his magic.
Rufus: It’s not all him.
Eric: Yes, it is. It’s just that no one else sees it. You make my mom happier than all of her ex-husbands combined. It should be you with her tonight, not some guy who pulled a disappearing act.
Ex-Husbands and Wives
Serena: If she wanted to talk to you, then she’d call you back. You should leave.
Rufus: Serena, does she have a problem seeing me or is it you?
Serena: Holland told me what happened.
Rufus: About the sublet? I told you already, I didn’t want your dad living in the same building.
Serena: You know it’s not about that.
Lily: Rufus—
Eric: What’s going on?
Rufus: I honestly don’t know. Serena? What did Holland tell you?
Serena: Why don’t you just leave.
Rufus: You know what, why don’t we call Holland and have her tell us herself.
Holland: I don’t know what you want me to say.
Rufus: Well Serena’s under the impression that you know something about something I did.
Holland: I shouldn’t be here.
Rufus: Go on. I have nothing to hide from my family. Please tell them the truth.
Holland: Rufus and I slept together.
GG: Talk about love thy neighbor.
Rufus: What?
Holland: I’m sorry.
Next time, Rufus, choose one who knows how to keep a secret.
Rufus: This is absurd.
Rufus: Lil, I had no idea she was an insane person.
Lily: Look I don’t want to discuss this with you.
Rufus: You actually believe her?
Lily: What does she have to gain standing here, humiliating herself in front of our family?
Rufus: I don’t know what the hell’s going on, I just know she’s lying.
Lily: Yeah, well it would be a lot easier to believe if you hadn’t left your scarf in her apartment.
Rufus: We went over this. I told you, nothing happened that.
Lily: Rufus, you of all people could understand why I might have a doubt. You didn’t talk to me for weeks after you found that letter from William.
Rufus: Lily, maybe you would do that, but I wouldn’t. And I didn’t. When you’re ready to hear that and talk about it, give me a call.
Serena: Rufus, what are you doing here?
Rufus: I’d like to talk to your mother.
Will: She doesn’t want to—
Lily: Rufus, what is it?
Rufus: The truth. Finally. You want to tell her or should I?
Rufus: I didn’t cheat on you, Lil. I would never cheat on you.
Lily: Rufus—
Eric: So she’s not sick? I just want to be clear.
Rufus: She’s not sick anymore. He’s been lying since he got to New York. To all of us.
Eric: Do you think he’s even coming back?
Serena: Yes, of course he is. You heard what he said. I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want you to be sick. But Dad is not lying to us.
Jenny: I don’t see what’s so wrong about wanting to see my life get back to normal.
Rufus: This is where we live. What needs to get back to normal is you.
Last Tango, Then Paris
Lily: Rufus, teenage girls are a nightmare. As son as they realize you love them no matter what you do, you lose all your power. You just have to wait until they finish college. Or, in the case of Serena, rebel and not go. Just talk to her. Is she in her room?
Rufus: No. I sent her to loft to stay with Dan so I could consider the best course of action.
Lily: Well grounding her again probably won’t work.
Rufus: Short of sending her away I don’t know anything else that will.
Lily: Well I think that would be a mistake. And I would hate to separate her and Eric. They need each other.
Eric: Don’t worry about me. After what I witnessed yesterday, you can do whatever you want with Jenny.