Gossip Girl: They say in life there are two sides to every story. But on the Upper East, we always have three. There’s his, hers—but the most important is always mine.
Dorota: Miss Serena, all you do all day is type type type. You take laptop with you everywhere. It not healthy.
Serena: Well after last week’s family meltdown, this laptop is the only thing keeping me sane. Writing is my new outlet. You should be happy for me.
Dorota: If you say so. But Vanya say same thing about Warcraft and then DSL bill comes.
Diana (Liz Hurley): Yes, of course everything’s set for tonight. There is nothing to worry about.
Jack (Desmond Harrington): I hope that’s not overconfidence I hear in your voice. I don’t need to remind you how sensitive an operation this is. If anyone finds out—
Diana: Jack, they won’t. Chuck and everybody else thinks I’m his bloody mother. They are off the scent completely.
Chuck: Was that Diana?
Nate: Yeah. Looking for her book. I played it clueless.
Chuck: Good. Because if she’s going to continue to lie to us and pretend to be my real mother I see no reason why we shouldn’t return the favor.
Lola (Ella Rae Peck): I’m just glad you finally believe me about Serena acting as Gossip Girl.
Nate: And I apologize again for ever having doubted you.
Lola: And for calling me a fame-whoring social climber?
Nate: Yeah. That too.
Blair: You know after my theatrics at the Young Lions Club, it’s time I quit my moping. And get back in touch with what it truly means to be the Blair Waldorf.
Dan: That’s right. OGB. Original Gangsta Blair.
Blair: Exactly. I need to find that Blair again. And what better place to look for her than at The Met, surrounded by some of my favorite paintings.
Dan: You better not meet any princes this time.
Blair: You don’t need to worry, believe me. I’m done with fairy tales. It’s time to be real again.
Lola: So what’s the plan? We can’t let Serena stay Gossip Girl.
Nate: Trust me, I know. It’s not good for anybody. Especially Serena.
Blair: Chuck. I don’t have time for any of your nonsense. I have a very busy day planned.
Chuck: Blair, listen to me please. I have this book. It’s written in code and I desperately need to crack it. I remembered how good you are at things like this. Or at least you were. Maybe that was the old you.
Gossip Girl: Be careful, Lola. When you cross a double agent there’s always double trouble.
Diana: Think about it, Serena. You can use this number to track down the real Gossip Girl. I bet you can blackmail her into letting you keep the site. She’ll quit before she’ll risk ever being exposed. And you can stay Gossip Girl forever.
Blair: Apologies. I just needed a few minutes to get into character. If you want to think like Diana Payne, you have to become Diana Payne. {in a British accent} Cheers. Thanks a lot. You’re adorable. Spectator.
Chuck: Regardless of whether we find Jack, I can’t tell you how glad I am at this moment that Diana isn’t really my mother.
Blair: Hand me the book.
Chuck: Looks like we might have a lead thanks to Blair’s powers of observation.
Blair: But unfortunately the entire clue trail hangs by the flimsiest of threads. Nate’s long term memory.
Blair: Did you find your inspiration?
Dan: Yes. But the only problem is it’s in Rome.
Chuck: Diana lied to me. She’s not my mother. I think she’s covering for my father. Well, my real father, Jack.
Serena: Chuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.
Chuck: That book is the only chance I have at tracking Jack down.
Serena: Well what can I do?
Blair: Be with us, not against us.
Serena: You have me, one hundred percent.
Serena: Why would you help me?
Lola: You ever heard the expression, “The devil you know”?
Gossip Girl: Who doesn’t love a road trip. Just watch your blind side, kiddies. Or you’ll wind up blindsided.
Serena: This isn’t my first rodeo.
Lola: No but it’s mine. And it’s awesome.
Chuck: Jack.
Jack Bass: Hello Chuck.
Nate: Hello India.
Jack: Chuck, I’d love to chat but I’m late for something very important.
Chuck: You’re not going anywhere until I get some answers.
Jack: Unfortunately it’s fairly time sensitive so if you could please get out of the way.
Chuck: Diana Payne isn’t my mother.
Jack: Sure she is.
Chuck: Admit it. You’re the one that’s been behind the lies all these years.
Jack: Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?
Chuck: Tell the truth, Jack. For once in your life, it’s time.
Chuck: Are you my father? Answer me.
Jack: Are you sure you really want to know.
Blair: What just happened? What did you tell him?
Jack: Tell him what?
Blair: What you’re really hiding here.
Jack: Whatever you saw or you think you saw, you can’t tell Chuck.
Blair: Of course I’m going to tell him. He has a right to know. And there’s nothing you can do that will make me change my mind!
Jack: This isn’t about me. Do you realize how many people get hurt if this gets out? You need to go. You’ve already complicated things enough by being here. This whole thing was supposed to go off without a hitch. You better hope it still does.
Serena: My computer’s gone.
Lola: Gossip Girl. She took it.
Serena: What? How do you know that?
Nate: Because we set you up.
Serena: The old Gossip Girl hurt people but I’m different.
Nate: No you’re not, Serena. Just look at what’s happened to you. You’ve cut yourself off from everything and everyone you care about. That’s not right.
Serena: Neither is tricking me.
Nate: Yeah, well go ahead and blame me but I did this to help you. Not to hurt you. Either way it’s over, the real Gossip Girl is back.
Chuck: After everything we’ve been through, there’s no room for secrets. Nor should there be. Whatever it is, you can tell me, Blair. It’s just us here. You and me.
Blair: I think once everyone is gone, and it’s quiet, you need to go back into that house.
Diana: Shouldn’t the boat be here by now?
Jack: I’m sure they just got delayed. They’ll be here soon. By the way the fake raid was a great diversion.
Diana: Once I saw Chuck was here I knew I had to get him out as quickly as possible.
Jack: Well it worked.
Diana: Yeah. When we’re done here tonight we need to discuss a renegotiation of my fee. It just doubled.
Jack: That’s a lot of cash.
Diana: Silence is expensive. You know that.
Jack: Hm. Once the boat gets here and safely departs, you’ll be taken care of. Don’t worry.
Gossip Girl: Gossip Girl here. Your one and only source into the scandalous lives of Manhattan’s elite. Spotted: Blair Waldorf, headed back to Brooklyn. Haven’t we paid the toll enough for that relationship?
Dan: Hey. I love you. You know that, right?
Blair: I do now.
Gossip Girl: Of course, everybody knows that on the Upper East Side nothing lasts forever. And when one door closes, another one always opens. The only question is: Who’s waiting behind it?
Chuck: Dad?
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Oh my god.