4 Months Ago
Georgina Sparks (Michelle Trachtenberg): Could it be any hotter? It’s a good thing you’re not fair-skinned, otherwise your summer under the Tuscan sun would end up under a scalpel removing a melanoma.
Dan: I know it was my idea, but why did I bring you to Italy? I should be at the workshop right now in Rome with all the other writers writing.
Georgina: You shouldn’t be creating in a workshop. You’re not an elf. Besides how can you possibly be inspired inside? But here, on the other hand, you’re really looking for payback. And what better place to knock the Upper East Side out of the Dark Ages than in the cradle of Renaissance itself. Da Vinci. Gallileo. Humphrey.
Dan: Underwood?
Georgina: Oh, dio mio. Have you learned nothing? Technology means hackers. We’re going old school. Don’t just stand there. Start typing.
Gossip Girl: Welcome back, Upper East Siders. Call me superstitious, but I’ve got a feeling this fall could be my last season. Let’s face it, I’ve been at this a long time. But age breeds wisdom. And this I know: the best is yet to come.
Today
Vanya (Aaron Schwartz): You both look so relaxed. Hamptons good for the soul, huh?
Lily: Well yes, the Hamptons were lovely, but nothing compared to the Seychelles where Bart and I renewed our vows.
Bart Bass (Robert John Burke): Which was restorative. But our time with Eric off the African coast was the highlight.
Vanya: Any word from Mr. Chuck?
Lily: Well we’re hoping Charles used his summer to relax as much as we have.
Vanya: Well I’m sure as soon as he sees what a happy couple you are, happy family won’t be far behind.
Bart: I’m not so sure.
Bart: Look at all this. It’ll take weeks to get through. I thought Serena was keeping the apartment in order.
Lily: Well that was the deal. And since she’s been ignoring my texts—our primary mode of communication—I assumed she was taking care of it. Vanya, when is Serena going to be back?
Vanya: Miss Serena? I haven’t seen her all summer.
Sage Spence (Sofia Black-D’Elia): I think it’s really brave. You deciding to run the Spectator on your own. No investors, no partners, no safety net.
Nate: Wait, are you here to freak me out or write a paper on my paper?
Blair: I’m well aware of the deadlines, Mother. You don’t need to put any more pressure on me. The stress is making my hair fall out in clumps. Thank god for this chapeau. If the Olsen Twins can build a fashion empire bossing around pattern drafters then so can I.
Georgina: Did this really happen? You and Serena.
Dan: On the bar at The Campbell Apartment. Every dirty detail exactly as it occurred.
Georgina: Not that. The part where you guys get it on is Fifty Shades of boring. No offense. It’s after that when you realize she had a sex tape. She said she erased it but did you actually see her do it?
Dan: No. I don’t know. I mean she said she would. I’m sure she did.
Georgina: So she might still have it.
Georgina: Are you going to answer that?
Dan: No. It’s Blair. Again. And I know you might not believe it but I’d rather listen to you than Blair and her excuses for dumping me.
Georgina: Hello Blair.
Blair: Georgina. I should have known it was you from the sound of that disdainful silence! Now I don’t want to know why you are picking up Dan’s phone, but please put him on so I can speak to him. This is serious. No one has seen Serena for months. Not even Gossip Girl has posted about her.
Georgina: And what could be worse than that? Always good catching up, Blair. Ciao.
Georgina: Okay, change of plan.
Dan: Why? What did Blair say?
Georgina: There’s a new ending to your book if we can find Serena before anyone else does.
Amira: I’m not sure what else I can do.
Chuck: Maybe you can translate for me. Do you speak unstable psychopath? {answering the phone} Hello Georgina. To what do I owe the displeasure?
Gossip Girl: From all around the world, our favorite Upper East Siders are asking the same question. But I couldn’t care less. Serena van der Woodsen is dead. At least to me.
Gossip Girl: Spotted, At JFK and Teterboro: our favorite UESers returning home. What motivated this sudden flurry of transatlantic travel? Could it be a certain passport that didn’t get stamped this summer?
Lily: Charles. You shouldn’t have to come home. But I am so glad you did.
Chuck: Of course.
Lily: And you’re not alone.
Amira (Andrea Gabriel): Amira Abbar. Hello.
Chuck: Amira’s a new friend. We met in Dubai.
Amira: I showed Chuck all my favorite spots.
Blair: Usually Chuck can find a woman’s favorite spot all by himself.
Chuck: Blair, you’re back. You brought a friend.
Blair: And who’s your mystery guest?
Chuck: I was just introducing her. Where were we?
Bart: Just leaving.
Dan: I think there’s jam on the steering wheel.
Georgina: Consider yourself lucky it’s just jam.
Dan: You really think Serena’s on drugs?
Georgina: Well hopefully. Or clinically insane. Either would be a great ending for your book.
Blair: Swear to me that nothing is going on between you and Amira. When I saw you two together I thought you’d reneged on the promise we made.
Chuck: Never. She’s a weapon against my father, that’s all. They were involved in some off-the-record business deal. I brought her back to rattle him.
Blair: Oh, she was his translator. Well you’ve always expressed admiration for women who were good with tongues. And she’s very pretty.
Chuck: No prettier than your Jean-Pierre. He’s head of your public relations. Does he know how much you enjoy relations in public? You two seem close.
Blair: Well he’s been my constant companion since I returned to Paris. Focusing on work has made it easier to be away from you.
Chuck: If I had known it would be this difficult going our separate ways I would never have agreed.
Blair: Well we had to come to some kind of agreement or we never would have left that hotel room in Monte Carlo. And we have much to do. But like I said in the casino, I’m all in.
Chuck: My bet’s on us.
Rufus: Lily. What are you doing here? I thought you and Bart were circling the globe on an eighty-foot yacht.
Lily: Well the yacht was a hundred and ten feet and most people who’ve actually been on one call it a boat.
Rufus: I assume you didn’t come all the way to Brooklyn to tell me that.
Lily: No. I didn’t come here to tell you anything, I came here to ask if you’ve seen Serena. She’s missing and I thought she might have sought out Dan.
Rufus: Well Dan’s in Italy and I haven’t seen or heard from Serena.
Lily: Oh really? Is that why her sweater’s here? Rufus, you have reached an all-time low. I mean first you let her hide here and then you lie to me, right to my face.
Rufus: That’s not Serena’s sweater.
Ivy (Kaylee DeFer) walking in: It’s mine.
Lily: What is going on here?
Rufus: Ivy’s been staying here.
Lily: Here? With you?
Ivy: Lily, could I get you a glass of water? You don’t look well.
Lily: I assure you, I am quite alright. {to Rufus} Unlike you.
Ivy: There’s nothing wrong with Rufus. He saved me. After I tore up your check you wrote me I had nothing. I was on the verge of doing something desperate and Rufus opened his home to me. Gave me a second chance.
Rufus: I don’t know why it matters to you but she’s sleeping in Dan’s room.
Lily: It doesn’t matter to me. None of it does. My daughter is missing—god knows what happened to her—and I don’t know why she would ever think of coming here.
Blair: Haven’t you ever seen a Hitchcock movie or watch Dateline? There’s only so many ways this goes. Kidnap-ransom, torture-murder or brainwash-cult.
Chuck: Okay, Blair, we get it.
Blair: No, you don’t. We both know that Serena is quite capable of hurting herself. But this time I’m afraid I hurt her too.
Gossip Girl: Looks like N is about to save the day. But we’ll see if he can still save his friend.
Ivy: Admit it. Lily’s visit upset you. Not just because something could have happened to Serena, but because Lily would think there was something going on between us. All you’ve done is been a good person.
Rufus: What I’ve done is dragged you from one potential art gallery to another. I mean if you have to see one more polished concrete floor.
Ivy leaving a message: Well whatever acting you have going on over there has nothing on my performance. Rufus Humphrey’s easy on the eyes and even easier to manipulate.
Nate: All right, so we’re not too far from where Gossip Girl said she is.
Chuck: What makes you so sure we’re not being lead on a wild goose chase, Nathaniel? I mean Gossip Girl is only slightly less trustworthy than say, Georgina Sparks or… me.
Dan: You know you could at least pretend you’re relieved Serena wasn’t institutionalized.
Georgina: Any disappointment you’re sensing is not because the mental hospital was a dead end. It stems from the fact that you and I missed out on a real opportunity. Empty hospital bed, four-point restraints, sound-proof rubber walls—
Dan: No no no no no. you stop right there before I start chugging this premium unleaded.
Georgina: Something about mental hospitals really just gets me going.
Dan: Yeah, that’s because you’re insane.
Georgina: Serena recouping in rehab? Much less interesting than a full-on slut spiral.
Dan: That’s a heartwarming tale.
Blair: Where are you going and what are you doing with her?
Dan: Probably the same thing you’re doing with him.
Blair: Saving Serena.
Georgina: No. Finding Serena.
Georgina: I would just like to point out that most serial killers are high-functioning members of society who lead a double life.
Gossip Girl: I think someone’s about to toss her cookies. And the only thing more disturbing than finding her on drugs or in a psych ward is seeing her happy and healthy. Who wants that?
Serena: What the hell are you doing here?
Blair: Ah, looking for you.
Georgina: To observe and record.
Nate: No, we’re here to help you.
Chuck: And get you home.
Dan: And, ah, I don’t even know what I’m doing here. {both Blair and Georgina smack him}
Serena: Can’t you see there’s a party going on?
Chuck: Crashing parties is one of our favorite past times.
Georgina: Especially when it involves infiltrating a sophisticated and deadly cult. Now which one is the charismatic leader?
Steven Spence (Barry Watson): Sabrina, you didn’t tell me you invited friends.
Blair: That is so Sabrina.
Nate: Oh, she loves surprises.
Rufus: I know I’m not exactly a welcome house guest these days, but we shouldn’t let our recent history overshadow our past.
Lily: Thanks. I appreciate it. How could I have thought it was okay to go all summer without actually talking to my own daughter?
Rufus: Whatever this is, Lil, isn’t your fault.
Lily: And why should I believe that?
Rufus: Because that’s what you told me when Jenny ran away. And she was much younger and crazier. With much heavier eye makeup than Serena.
Rufus: Don’t say anything you’re going to regret.
Lily: I have no regrets, Rufus. Other than I let you in my home today.
Rufus: I’m already leaving.
Chuck: Look at this. Trellis, chairs, pastor. This is a wedding.
Blair: And Serena was wearing a white dress! Either she’s the bride or she’s just really tacky.
Georgina: I told you, she’s obviously had a psychotic break. Serena’s taken too many happy pills and now she thinks she Sabrina from Dan’s book.
Dan: That actually sounds vaguely plausible.
Dan: Blair, why don’t you go find Serena on your own. You know I’m really not up for a super secret mission. Especially with you. I’m not even here to help. Georgina just dragged me along so I could, you know— {she slaps him} Oh. Okay.
Blair: What is wrong with you?
Dan: Ah, aside from the fact that my face now hurts? You know what, Blair? You chose Chuck. I don’t owe you an explanation. Good luck.
Bart: You better hope your relationship has nothing to do with business. Because so help you, if you told him anything about mine…
I haven’t. Yet. But that could always change.
Dan: Wisconsin? Seriously? Do you even know where that is on a map?
Blair: Wait, what are you doing? I’ve got this.
Georgina: Public humiliation’s really more my forte.
Georgina: Sabrina/Serena has a history of mental imbalance, drug use and promiscuity. That’s right. She’s got a rap sheet and a snuff film.
Dan: I don’t believe you.
Blair: Well I’m not going to let her just charge off without—
Dan: No, not Serena. You. That you chose Chuck, I don’t like but I begrudgingly accept.
Blair: Dan. Please don’t do this.
Dan: But then I find out that you’re not even with him.
Blair: I am with him. Or at least I will be. We made a pact. We have things that we both need to do on our own. But when we are both in that next place, we will be together. For good. End of story.
Dan: So I didn’t lose you to Chuck. I lost you to the idea of Chuck? At some point in the hopefully-not-too-distant future, maybe.
Blair: Well when you put it that way.
Dan: You know, you had someone who loved you unconditionally, treated you right and wanted to be with you every day. And then you threw that all away to let Chuck Bass decide when he’s ready for you? You think you have an epic love, but all you have are excuses.
Blair: I have to go find Serena.
Serena: Why are you still here?
Blair: You didn’t think I was leaving without you? Or… without saying I’m sorry. Because I am, Serena. Thinking that I really lost you made me regret every horrible thing I ever said to you.
Serena: Well that’s a lot of regret.
Blair: However complicated our friendship got, I shouldn’t have let it go. I shouldn’t have let you go. BFF means Best Friend Forever, right? Well maybe it’s time to admit that we’re stuck with each other.
Serena: I appreciate the kind words. And I know that they’re hard coming from you, but I don’t want to be stuck with you. I want a fresh start. With Steven.
Blair: Fine. If that’s how you want it, stay here. You can have Poughkeepsie. Hell, you can even have Schenectady. But I get Manhattan. Have a nice life.
Gossip Girl: Poor B. Looks like she just got dumped by the love of her life. And we’re not talking about Chuck or Dan.
Blair: The two of us alone in your limo. You’re really tempting fate, you know that? Unless that’s your intention, of course. We’re both back in New York doing what we have to do. Maybe our pact is just an excuse for us not to be together.
Chuck: Blair, I love you with all of my heart. And that is the reason we cannot take the chance of messing this up.
Blair: Sure. Because what would your father think if you failed. That I distracted you. That you sacrificed your empire for me.
Chuck: Blair, you are a distraction. ‘Cause when we’re together you’re all I think about. And I would give up my empire for you. I would give up everything for you. After a couple nights in Monte Carlo, I lost track of all time.
Blair: We were exhausted and starving. I think I had an actual fever.
Chuck: That’s not why we need to do this. And neither to prove a point to my father.
Blair: Then why?
Chuck: In the past I blamed my mistakes on you and Bart was right on that count. It’s the boy that blames the girl, not the man. And that’s what I want to be with you. It won’t be much longer, I promise.
Gossip Girl: What’s old is new again. I may not have much time left, but some things are forever.
Gossip Girl: The promise of love. The threat of war. And the fall of the mighty.
Amira: Your father gave it to me to keep quiet.
Chuck: About what? For that amount of money you must know a hell of a secret.
Amira: I swear I don’t know what it is. But I’m willing to stick around to find out.
Gossip Girl: And just because I’ve seen it all, doesn’t mean I’ve seen everything. And I gotta say, no one saw this one coming. You may think my best days are behind me, but this old girl still has some new tricks. Stay tuned. XOXO. –Gossip Girl.