Gossip Girl: Gobble gobble, Upper East Siders. That’s right. It’s Thanksgiving again. And I hope you all brought your appetites. Because today’s the one day a year you’re supposed to count your blessings. And not your calories. I don’t care whether you’re sick to your stomach or simply on a liquid diet. This turkey day I’m going to make sure everyone eats their hearts out.
Blair: Yes it is true Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart—and stomach—but I guess this year a pumpkin macaron will just have to do.
Dorota: But every Thanksgiving you try to visit Miss Eleanor.
Blair: And this year I’m actually going to make it. Besides we both know that if I stay in town
I’ll just be meddling in other people’s affairs, and I promised myself I would not do that this year.
Dorota: Still no word from Mr. Chuck since pop-up show?
Blair: No, and I’m not going to call him either. Chuck only goes darker when I push him so I’m going to give him all the time and space he needs. He’ll snap out of his funk eventually.
Dorota: And you okay leaving Miss Serena alone with Mr. Lonely Boy?
Blair: Well I don’t want her back with that back-stabbing Brooklynite, but now that we’re best friends again I have to just hold my tongue and let this ridiculous relationship run its course.
Dorota: Like stomach flu.
Blair: Yes, and until then I will just play the supportive friend, which we both know I’m much better at from the other side of the Atlantic. Now, vite! Vite!
Dan: It’s our first Thanksgiving back together and given our track record with Thanksgivings it might be kinda risky. Divorces have been filed. Affairs revealed.
Serena: Yes, but that was our parents, not us. Come on. They’re not even gonna be here.
Dan: Okay. I mean if it’s what you really want, I’m in.
Chuck: Where’s Monkey? I found his crying at my door comforting.
Nate: I had Ivan from housekeeping take him for a walk.
Chuck: Why? Because you were too busy reading up on new ways to betray your best friend?
Nate: Chuck, you know how sorry I am. Bart’s threatening to send me to prison for cooking the Spectator’s books. And I don’t want to hurt you again so I’ve been going over these documents just… trying to figure a way out of this whole mess.
Chuck: Good luck with that. Bart Bass is a grand master of manipulation. He has ruined me. You’ll be child’s play. My advice is to lie back and think of England.
Serena: Please Blair. Come on, we really want to spend Thanksgiving with you and I’m not gonna take no for an answer.
Blair: Okay. If that’s what you really want then I as your friend will be there to make sure things run the way they should.
Dorota: What happened to no meddling this year?!
Blair: Did you hear her? She is getting domestic with that wool-haired whiner. Four major holidays stand between Thanksgiving and Serena being a June bride.
Blair: Further instructions will come forth from my avatar. Dorota.
Dan: Georgina. How’s Philip?
Georgina (Michelle Trachtenberg): Quit the small talk, Humphrey. Give me the pages.
Dan: Oh that’s gonna be tough, since I already messengered the only hard copy to Graydon’s assistant at home.
Georgina: What? No one wants to read your vomit draft. Why didn’t you let me give you my notes first?
Dan: Because you’re not my editor.
Georgina: I am your everything. Don’t you think I know exactly what’s going on here? You started this chapter over the summer skewering Serena, and then you moved in with her and decided to write a sniveling Valentine in hopes she would fall madly in love with you.
Dan: From the beginning, my goal was to tell the truth. And I haven’t strayed from that. So I’m sorry if you’re upset but you’ll just have to wait for the chapter to go online. Tonight.
Nate: Chuck. Chuck, wake up. Seriously, wake up. Bruce Caplan is dead.
Chuck: The guy was a two-bit crook. Who cares?
Nate: You should. I just got off the phone with his secretary. Apparently Bruce died only a few days after our meeting. He fell off the Bass Enterprises’ yacht.
Chuck: Is there a point to this sob story?
Nate: Your father probably figured out it was Bruce that tipped us off to the microfilm in the painting. Do you honestly think that Bart had nothing to do with his death?
Chuck: Even if he did, I promise you he covered his tracks or destroyed the evidence or had Lily do it for him. Now get out of my room.
Gossip Girl: Seems like Bass is basking in his misery. Looks like I’m not the only one who goes into hiding on Thanksgiving. And this year’s best dish is going to be served by yours truly.
Serena: The van der Woodsens do have a long history of inviting bump-ins.
Blair: What the hell took you so long?
Nate: And good morning to you too, Blair.
Blair: Chuck banned me from The Empire? He’s banished me before but that was when we were on a sex fast.
Nate: What do you want me to say? Chuck has hit bottom. All he does now is drink in bed and argue with Monkey.
Blair: Well I had no idea it was that bad.
Nate: Yeah, it’s that bad. He’s even given up on defeating Bart.
Blair: Well that can’t happen. We can’t let Bart win. We have to reinspire him.
Nate: What do you think I’ve been trying to do? Chuck didn’t even care when I told him Bruce Caplan mysteriously drowned.
Blair: His dentist?
Blair: I have an idea. All I need is a wampum pouch, a push-up bra and all of Bart’s computer passwords.
Rufus: I guess I’m just surprised you haven’t learned by now.
Dan: Learned? Learned what?
Rufus: That we Humphrey men don’t stand a real chance when it comes to van der Woodsen women.
Dan: Is this the speech where you tell me we’re from different worlds? Because you know I wrote the book. Two actually.
Rufus: Women like Lily and Serena are never gonna respect guys like us. All the love songs I wrote Lily made no difference. Poetry isn’t what she wants. No matter how much we love Lily and Serena they’re always gonna choose guys like Bart Bass.
Dan: So maybe the trick is to become Bart Bass.
Rufus: Yeah but neither of us could ever do that. And that’s a good thing. Bart’s cold and calculating. A reptile.
Dan: Yeah well that snake is spending Thanksgiving with Lily, and you’re not.
Blair: Did somebody call for a Thanksgiving spread?
Chuck: You just cost my dim-witted doorman his holiday bonus.
Blair: Oh. Don’t blame him. I said you called for a stripper and obviously I’m a convincing one.
I’ve come to kidnap you and bring you to Serena and Dan’s Thanksgiving.
Chuck: I’m not going anywhere, but you are unless you want me to call security.
Blair: Don’t be a grumpy Gus. Bart and Lily won’t be there. Come on. Let’s get you cleaned up.
Chuck: What part of our last conversation did you not understand? As long as I can’t defeat my father we can never be together.
Blair: Well… just because we can’t live happily ever after doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun once in awhile.
Chuck: We made a pact. Need I remind you what that means?
Blair: But it’s been too long since Monaco. Pocahontas needs her John Smith.
Chuck: I always thought of myself as more of a John Rolfe kind of man.
Blair: That’s my Chuck. You can play both. After dinner.
Dan: Aren’t you supposed to be on a tropical beach where no one pays capital gains tax?
Bart (Robert John Burke): Tropical storm. Our flight was delayed.
Lily: So it looks like we’ll be staying for dinner after all. If we’re not imposing.
Dan: Ah… nope. Not at all. I mean we have plenty of food, we’ll just… we’re gonna need to change up the seating arrangements.
Serena: Look, I’m fine that your ex is here.
Dan: Because you invited her.
Serena: But we’re together now. I think your stuffing’s burning.
Chuck: Lily, what are you doing here?
Lily: I live here. And I hope that your presence here today means that you’re going to apologize to your father and put this feud behind you.
Chuck: The problem with putting Bart behind me is that then he can stab me in the back.
Blair: Lily could care less about an oil embargo or a faked death. But a real one? Or two?
Georgina: Don’t be an idiot. Do you want to win? Or do you just want to win Serena?
Dan: There is no winning without Serena.
Steven (Barry Watson): You know I wanted to thank you again for inviting us. It means a lot to Sage and to me.
Serena: Yeah, of course. I’m sorry, I feel terrible though. I hope you have enough to eat. I forgot you’re gluten-free.
Steven: I’ll be fine. You know, I’m more concerned about you.
Serena: Why? I eat everything.
Steven: I’m talking about you getting back together with Dan. You know, I know I hurt you but… I mean this guy represents everything you said you were trying to escape from. I mean he wrote all those horrible articles about you and your friends.
Serena: Yeah but he didn’t write one about me. I know that Dan has made his mistakes but so have I.
Sage (Sofia Black-D’Elia): It’s okay, I don’t care if you watch.
Chuck: She’s a keeper, Nate.
Chuck: Maybe we should take a moment to remember Bruce. Who died falling off your yacht. And Sheikh Hassan, whose Bass Industries-provided car burst into flames. I hate it when that happens.
Bart: So what if we provided the Sheikh’s cars? We’re certainly not responsible for every mechanical malfunction.
Chuck: So it’s just a coincidence that the two men who could have sent you to prison happened to die in transportation you so generously provided them?
Dorota: If you done with problem number one, problem number two needs meddling.
Blair: I’ve been holding my tongue because we’re finally friends again and the only thing I care about is that you are happy and in love. But Dan Humphrey is not the one.
Serena: I don’t want to lose our friendship again either, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t say any more.
Blair: He is a self-promoting hipster weasel who’s thrown every one of his friends under the bus, and I’m not going to sit by and wait for him to do it to you too.
Serena: I know in your twisted but loving way you’re trying to be protective. But you’re wrong about Dan. So please just accept him and this’ll be the best Thanksgiving ever.
Bart: Lily, please. This is just another one of Chuck’s games.
Lily: When I asked you about the oil deal, you promised me that no one got hurt.
Bart: And no one did. At least not by me.
Lily: So Bruce and the Sheikh’s death were just pure coincidence.
Bart: Yes. Are you questioning me?
Lily: Maybe I should start.
Bart: All I did was protect you.
Lily: By lying to me.
Bart: I never lied to you. I told you, no one got hurt.
Lily: You’re hurting me right now.
Bart: Chuck is just getting to you. And he won’t stop until I make him.
Serena: I invited you into my home, Dan, and my world. And then you just humiliate me.
Dan: That is the issue. “My world.”
Serena: Oh come on! It’s a figure of speech.
Dan: No, it has always been your world and you’ve never let me forget it. I’ve always been a visitor. The poor kid from Brooklyn who you’ve never seen as an equal to you.
Serena: Okay, so this is your payback. Do you feel better about riding the subway to school since you made a fool of me to everyone?
Dan: What I did is no worse than what all your friends do to each other every day. You try to ruin each other and then you sit down for Thanksgiving. And you call yourselves family.
Serena: You were supposed to be different.
Dan: I used to be. Got me nowhere. So now I’m the same.
Serena: Goodbye Dan.
Blair: Are you okay?
Serena: I don’t know. But you can gloat. You were right.
Blair: For the first time ever I’m sorry I was. Well, ninety percent of me is sorry. Ten percent of me is glad I was right.
Serena: Thanksgiving is ruined once again.
Blair: Are you kidding? What is Thanksgiving without a side of drama? And pie. Apple or pumpkin?
Serena: Both.
Chuck: Maybe you can sit down, I can get you a glass of water.
Lily: Oh Charles, I forgot how sweet you are.
Chuck: The only thing that matters is that you finally know the truth.
Lily: I do, and I’m sorry.
Bart: What on earth do you have to be sorry for?
Chuck: For believing all your lies.
Lily: No, actually I was just going to tell Charles how sorry I am for trying to force a reconciliation between the two of you. I know that will never happen and I should have accepted it sooner.
Chuck: Happy Thanksgiving to you too, Lily.
Blair: I promise it’ll get better. Nate and I survived both our chapters.
Nate: Hey Dan. Before you go. {he punches him} That was from all of us.
Bart: Daniel. I just wanted to say I was impressed with your latest literary offering. You’ve restored my faith in your generation. If you ever need anything, give a call.
Georgina: Do not leave me alone with them. The last time I attended a shunning I froze my zhopa off in Siberia.
Dan: It can get just as cold around here. Do you think they hate me?
Georgina: They fear you. Welcome to the Upper East Side.
Rufus: They kicked you out, didn’t they? I saw your piece on Serena. You let me off easy by comparison.
Dan: All I did was tell the truth.
Rufus: Your truth. Everybody has a version. A way of delivering it. It wouldn’t have been my choice.
Dan: Well maybe that’s why Lily doesn’t respect you.
Rufus: So this is how you become Bart Bass?
Dan: I did what I had to do. And tonight for the first time they weren’t looking down on me. They might’ve hated me, but I was one of them.
Rufus: Congratulations. I guess. So now that you’ve achieved that you can come back to Brooklyn.
Dan: What I want isn’t in Brooklyn, Dad. I have a plan. I have this whole time. And it’s working.
Chuck: Lily, I’ve had all the stepmothering I can handle for one day.
Lily: Charles, please listen to me. I’m a fool for trusting your father all this time. That’s what I was trying to apologize to you for before—
Chuck: Bart interrupted.
Lily: I’m on my way to Miraval for a week and I’m scared to be around your father, and I fear he’s coming after you too.
Chuck: I’m well aware. Unfortunately I think there’s little I can do to stop him. Bruce Caplan and the Sheikh’s death just won’t stick in court without hard evidence. And you made S’mores of all the financial records.
Lily: Not before I carefully read each film with Cece’s jeweler’s loop. She always said that was the best way to catch a husband in a lie. I know she was referring to low-grade diamonds, but still… I’ll send you everything I can remember.
Chuck: Thank you.
Lily: It’s the least I can do. Charles. Be safe.
Gossip Girl: Thanksgiving may be over, but I hear that our favorite Upper East Siders are still cooking something up. And pretty soon everyone is going to feel the heat. Of course when you fan an old flame sometimes you wind up just getting burned. And having to start from scratch. .
Blair: I just got your text. What happened?
Chuck: Lily has finally seen the light. She’s going to help me take down Bart. Will you go to war with me?
Blair: I thought you’d never ask.
Gossip Girl: Luckily the things that have been slowly simmering always taste the most satisfying. Bon appetit. XOXO — Gossip Girl.