Gossip Girl: New day, new designer. Whether it’s love or war you’re outfitting for, thank god for friends and fashion.
Serena: That one looks good.
Blair: Chuck and I played Wuthering Heights in it. I mean, who starts a courtship in the day anyway?
Serena: Humans who venture out in light and aren’t named Bass.
Blair: Serena. I have to tell you something.
Serena: What’s wrong?
Blair: I’ve never been on a date.
Serena: What about Chuck? And Nate. And Chuck. And then Nate… again.
Blair: No, I mean on a real date. With someone I didn’t know already. Or who wasn’t a British Lord masquerading as a college student.
Serena: B, obviously Cameron liked you when he met you at the loft party. Just, be yourself and have fun. And try the Marc Jacobs. I have to go.
Blair: What’s going on? You haven’t lusted after a Louboutin all morning.
Serena: I just have to get home.
Blair: Is it Lily?
Serena: I think Rufus cheated on her.
Blair: Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I didn’t even know they had groupies that old.
Serena: They met at the rooftop garden committee.
Blair: Well how is your mom taking it?
Serena: She doesn’t know. I told my dad and he thought it would be best if I waited to tell her. Stress isn’t good for her condition.
Blair: Well is there anything I can do? Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.
Serena: No. Thank you though. I’m just hoping Rufus will stay away until she gets stronger. And B, I don’t think handcuffs are a good idea for a first date.
Chuck: Good thing you’re not a drug dealer anymore. That girl you sold Lily’s fake Oxy to wanted double what she paid just to give me the bottle back.
Jenny: So what’d you find out?
Chuck: My personal pharmacist is looking into it.
Jenny: Do you trust him to know if they’re bad for Lily?
Chuck: He appreciates a fine pharmaceutical. Why are you whispering? If it’s a seduction technique, don’t bother.
Jenny: Ew! You wish.
Nate: Come on, you finally stopped defiling the pool table with the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil, you got Blair into Columbia. Why not let things end on a good note.
Chuck: Lily’s pills are ivermectin. They’re great at battling parasites and African River Blindness. But lymphoma, not so much.
Jenny: Well is it dangerous? I mean, does she know what she’s taking?
Chuck: What we need to find out is who prescribed them and when.
Jenny: I wish I didn’t rip the label off the bottle. I don’t remember what it said.
Chuck: The date and the drugstore were still legible. Which was enough to track down the prescribing doctor. Luckily pharmacists don’t make enough to turn down bribes.
Jenny: Okay. So what’s next?
Chuck: The mission requires an expert. Someone highly trained in the art of extorting information.
Jenny: You’re not seriously going to use this to try to get back with Blair.
Chuck: My priority is the truth. If she’s the one who can expose it—
Jenny: Then you’ll take advantage of that to make sure she doesn’t move on. Alright, I get it.
Chuck: Let’s just hope she’s willing to make herself available.
Serena: If she wanted to talk to you, then she’d call you back. You should leave.
Rufus: Serena, does she have a problem seeing me or is it you?
Serena: Holland told me what happened.
Rufus: About the sublet? I told you already, I didn’t want your dad living in the same building.
Serena: You know it’s not about that.
Lily: Rufus—
Eric: What’s going on?
Rufus: I honestly don’t know. Serena? What did Holland tell you?
Serena: Why don’t you just leave.
Rufus: You know what, why don’t we call Holland and have her tell us herself.
Holland: I don’t know what you want me to say.
Rufus: Well Serena’s under the impression that you know something about something I did.
Holland: I shouldn’t be here.
Rufus: Go on. I have nothing to hide from my family. Please tell them the truth.
Holland: Rufus and I slept together.
GG: Talk about love thy neighbor.
Rufus: What?
Holland: I’m sorry.
Next time, Rufus, choose one who knows how to keep a secret.
Rufus: This is absurd.
Nate: What’d I miss?
Rufus: Lil, I had no idea she was an insane person.
Lily: Look I don’t want to discuss this with you.
Rufus: You actually believe her?
Lily: What does she have to gain standing here, humiliating herself in front of our family?
Rufus: I don’t know what the hell’s going on, I just know she’s lying.
Lily: Yeah, well it would be a lot easier to believe if you hadn’t left your scarf in her apartment.
Rufus: We went over this. I told you, nothing happened.
Lily: Rufus, you of all people could understand why I might have a doubt. You didn’t talk to me for weeks after you found that letter from William.
Rufus: Lily, maybe you would do that, but I wouldn’t. And I didn’t. When you’re ready to hear that and talk about it, give me a call.
Nate: So crazy day at the van der Woodsens, huh?
Serena: I just wanted to keep Rufus away until my mom got stronger.
Nate: What? You don’t really think he did this, do you?
Serena: Why would Holland lie about it?
Nate: I don’t know. I don’t even know who she is. But I do know Rufus. I mean he took me in when my dad left us with nothing. He’s a good guy.
Serena: They all are. ‘Til they aren’t anymore. I’m just trying to protect my mom.
Nate: I get it, okay? But just give him a chance. He gave you one when you bailed on Brown.
Serena: Are you really taking his side right now?
Nate: I’m not taking sides. We’re just talking about it.
Serena: Well maybe that’s not such a good idea. I should go be with my family.
Jenny: I still don’t see why we need Blair for this. I mean don’t you read Gossip Girl? Extortion’s what I do. All day.
Chuck: This is more than headbands and high school.
Blair: The two of you here together. Please tell me there’s an explanation that doesn’t involve the Apocalypse.
Chuck: We come in peace. And with a purpose. Something’s going on with Lily’s medication. I need your mind game mastery to figure out what.
Blair: Who are you, House? I’m sure Dr. van der Woodsen knows what he’s doing.
Chuck: It’s not van der Woodsen. It’s a psychiatrist. I have an address.
Jenny: It’s weird, right? Lily so does not seem like she’s in therapy.
Blair: And you so should be. But as much as I admire the attempt to lure me back with subversive sleuthing, and appreciative as I am for your help with Columbia, the answer’s no.
Chuck: Blair, I need to find out why someone doesn’t want Lily getting better.
Blair: A heartfelt plea as well. And much more effective than a fatwa. But you obviously already know that I have a date today. And nothing you can dangle will make me miss it. Next time don’t bring Jenny Humphrey.
Dan: Thanks for coming with me, man. It means a lot, you getting involved.
Nate: Oh hey, my dad would have done this and worse. Alright? And no matter what Serena wants to believe, there’s no way Rufus would hurt Lily like that.
Dan: Does Serena know you’re doing this?
Nate: I was thinking we’d see what we find out before I tell her.
Dan: You’re on dangerous ground there.
Nate: Yeah, but the only way to clean up this mess—for everyone—is to find out the truth.
Dan: I know. That’s why we need the help of an expert.
Blair: Philosophy of War? Hm. I’m finally home.
Blair: Did Chuck send you? His pill plan didn’t work so he sent Frik and Frak to ruin my date?
Dan: No, Blair, this is about my dad and Lily. This woman Holland has accused him of cheating.
Blair: Wait a minute. An artist or a hippie activist maybe. But rooftop garden committee? I knew that something wasn’t right when Serena told me. No way would another Upper East Sider shtup Rufus. My step-father’s Jewish.
Cameron (Ben Yannette): Ah.
Nate: Blair, we can’t let Lily leave Rufus. Will you help us?
Cameron: Exposing scandal on the Upper East Side? Show me your world, Blair Waldorf.
Blair: They’d be lost without me.
Chuck: What brings you and your mid-level entourage? Nothing personal.
Blair: We’re looking for Holland who claims she slept with Rufus.
Chuck: Yes. Dr. Holland Kemble.
Gossip Girl: You better hope this doctor gets healed before someone else gets hurt.
Blair: Holland is obviously trying to poison Lily so she can have Rufus all to herself. So Shakespearian.
Nate: Yeah, it’s also Fatal Attraction. I just can’t handle dead bunnies.
Dan: Maybe I’m stating the obvious here, but shouldn’t we just tell Lily?
Chuck: Tell her what? “Jenny tried to sell your mislabeled meds which came from the woman who said she slept with your husband”?
Blair: We have to get to Holland first. She’s the one who can connect all the dots. And then we go to Lily.
Chuck: I’m sorry your new beau had to abandon our mission.
Blair: Well he had a dinner with the rugby team.
Chuck: How homoerotic.
Gossip Girl: Watch out, Lonely Boy. Seems your little sister has her own ideas about your family’s planning.
Blair: Pretend you’re well-bred and be polite. It’ll pay off if you ever need orthopedic surgery at Mount Sinai.
Jenny: Like when you stab me in the back.
Chuck: As if watching Audrey Hepburn movies isn’t manhood-shriveling enough, I now have to talk about my feelings!
Blair: Those movies are the only romance I have in my life. He loves his work more than he loves me.
Gossip Girl: In this family feud, that’s van der Woodsen: 1. Humphrey: 0.
Will: You all set? My bags are downstairs.
Serena: Yeah, Um, I was thinking you know maybe we could just wait and fly out tomorrow.
Will: I wish we could. I’ve got to get to my patient immediately.
Serena: Are you sure that’s what it’s about? People are saying you’re behind this Holland thing.
Will: Holland.
Serena: Um, let me go check on Mom.
Serena: Rufus, what are you doing here?
Rufus: I’d like to talk to your mother.
Will: She doesn’t want to—
Lily: Rufus, what is it?
Rufus: The truth. Finally. You want to tell her or should I?
Eric: Is my mom really sick? Right now that’s all I want to know.
Will: Of course she was sick. To even imagine that I would prescribe your mother medication that she didn’t need? That’s preposterous. I’ve got the files in my bag. Do you want to see them?
Serena: You don’t have to prove yourself.
Will: Apparently I do. Excuse me.
Lily: William.
Rufus: I didn’t cheat on you, Lil. I would never cheat on you.
Lily: Rufus—
Eric: So she’s not sick? I just want to be clear.
Rufus: She’s not sick anymore. He’s been lying since he got to New York. To all of us.
Eric: Do you think he’s even coming back?
Serena: Yes, of course he is. You heard what he said. I’m sorry, Mom. I don’t want you to be sick. But Dad is not lying to us.
Blair: Where’s William?
Serena: He’s in the lobby downstairs getting his bags.
Nate: There’s no one in the lobby.
Serena: He’s down there.
Nate: Serena, the lobby’s empty.
Serena: You just must not have seen him. He wouldn’t leave.
Nate: Hey hey—
Serena: He wouldn’t leave me.
Blair: Let her go.
Lily: Oh god.
Nate: We should call the police.
Dan: Let’s just give him a minute.
Nate: No, if we wait he’ll be gone for good.
Blair: What I’d like to know is how did William know to get out of town. Someone must have tipped him off.
Chuck: It had to be one of us.
Jenny: It was me.
Dan: What happened?
Serena: It’s true. He left.
Serena: I need you to tell me the truth.
Will: When your mother came to me last summer she was sick. I cured her. Then I fell in love with her again. When I came here, saw you and Eric, I realized how badly I’d messed up. I never wanted to hurt any of you. I just wanted my family back.
Serena: All you needed to do was be here.
Will: I’m sorry, Serena. I just thought, unless your mother needed me, you weren’t going to give me a chance.
Serena: Well the police are on their way now, so you should probably go.
Will: Why don’t you come with me.
Serena: I don’t forgive you. I also don’t need to punish you, so if you just go now I’ll make sure they don’t come after you.
Will: I love you, Serena.
Serena: I love you too, Dad. Go now.
Jenny: I don’t see what’s so wrong about wanting to see my life get back to normal.
Rufus: This is where we live. What needs to get back to normal is you.
Eric to Jenny: If you don’t want to be a part of this family, no one is forcing you to stay.
Chuck: I know you felt it.
Blair: We were caught up in a scheme. And it was role play.
Chuck: It was real. I know you feel it right now.
Blair: Doesn’t change anything. Holland may be crazy, but she was right. No matter what I feel or don’t, we’re not safe.
Chuck: I did the most dangerous thing I could when I said I love you. But it was worth it. If I got through my fear for you, you can get through yours for me. You have until tomorrow to decide.
Blair: What?
Chuck: We’re never going to be safe. So are you brave enough or aren’t you? I’ll be waiting at the top of the Empire State Building.
Blair: You can’t Affair to Remember me.
Chuck: If you’re not there tomorrow at 7:01 I’m closing my heart to you forever.
Blair: I won’t be there.
Gossip Girl: When the family tree falls, we all need a family friend to lead us out of the woods. Or into them.
Jenny: I didn’t know you’d be here.
Nate: I live here.
Gossip Girl: But careful, once darkness descends true natures emerge and everything is fair game. Until morning. XOXO —Gossip Girl