Gossip Girl: When most people lose a parent, they inherit sorrow, loss and a closet full of outdated clothes. But on the Upper East Side, death’s sad chapter comes with a silver lining. Or a gold one if your relatives invested wisely in precious metals.
Blair: Morning Jack.
Jack Bass (Desmond Harrington): Blair.
Blair: Chuck asked me to come to the reading of the will for support.
Jack: Only thing he’s going to need support for is the massive influx into his bank account.
Blair: Charming.
Jack: Come out with me tonight.
Blair: I told you I’m not interested.
Jack: Didn’t seem that way on New Years.
Blair: Whatever may have transpired between us, what’s important is what it means to me. Which is nothing.
Jack: Do you think it would be nothing to Chuck? Let’s ask him now, shall we?
Blair: Let’s not.
Jack: Aw. No one wants to play today, huh?
Chuck: Let’s get this over with.
Jack: Courage, nephew. I’m going to be running Bass Industries and you’re about to inherit a billion dollars.
Chuck: I know my father. There’ll be so many strings attached I’ll look like a marionette. He wouldn’t miss his last chance to put me in my place.
Nate: Hey! Thought you might need some backup.
Chuck: Thanks. Let’s go.
Blair: I wouldn’t have come to this party if I didn’t know I wasn’t VIP.
Lawyer: Now Charles, your uncle Jack Bass is your closest living relative has been named as your legal guardian. Are you comfortable with this?
Chuck: Curfew?
Jack: No.
Chuck: Girls sleeping over.
Jack: Yes. Please.
Chuck: I’ll allow it.
Jack: Chuck, this letter represents your father’s final words.
Blair: Your dad wrote you a letter? You have to read it.
Nate: Yeah, aren’t you curious to know what it says?
Chuck: I think I can guess. “You’re a disappointment of a son.” “I’d die of embarrassment if I wasn’t already.” “Why do you wear so much purple.”
Blair (reading the letter): Dear Son,
I know I’ve always been hard on you—
Chuck: True.
—but my goal was always to prepare you for this day. To help you go from being a boy to a man.
Chuck: An Italian au pere took care of that.
Blair: Chuck, please. She continues:
Sadly, there is nothing like the passing of a father to aid in this rite of passage for his son. Ultimately I do feel that I did my job and you are prepared for this next chapter of your life. Therefore I am bequeathing to you the majority share of Bass Industries.
Chuck: Surely that’s a mistake.
Nate: No it’s not.
Blair: He believed in you.
Jack: That son of a bitch.
Blair: Jack!
Chuck: No, Jack’s right. My father can’t be one way my whole life then all of the sudden he’s okay. It’s nice that he finally decided I’m worthy. But I don’t want it. If you want it, you can have it.
Eric: Three times this week I planned a dinner with Jonathan and every time Jenny just happened to show up.
Serena: Well she doesn’t have anyone else. All the mean girls hate her. You gotta give her time to make new friends.
Eric: But doesn’t she understand the whole point of having a boyfriend is to be alone.
Serena: Yeah, seems to be a problem with the entire Humphrey clan.
Dan: If your mom says nothing’s going on then that’s good.
Serena: Yeah well, she usually is pretty honest about these things. A little too honest actually. Supposedly Sarkozy was a bad kisser.
Dan: Well that’s a relief. Not the thing about Sarkozy. That’s kind of disappointing.
Chuck: It’s like he’s setting me up to fail from beyond the grave.
Blair: You really think Bart would leave his whole company to you if he didn’t think you could do it?
Chuck: It doesn’t make sense. My father never trusted me with anything.
Blair: He’s trusting you now. He left you his legacy. I know you can do this.
Chuck: I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Blair: Start by reading the rest of this.
Gossip Girl: Is lowly Lonely Boy cheating on our Queen? Sound unlikely? Does the name “Georgina” ring a bell? Get out your shovels and start digging the dirt, kids. Gossip Girl’s going to need a little help getting to the bottom of this mess.
Chuck: Look, I owe you a lot, Jack. You saved my life when I didn’t want to be saved.
Jack: You noticed that Thai waitress I was going to take home the other night had a penis. So consider us even.
Chuck: Look I’ve decided to follow my father’s wishes and take over Bass Industries.
Jack: Well we can discuss that when you turn 18. Anyway you’re in charge in name. It’s better. All of the fun, none of the work.
Chuck: I want to start now.
Jack: This isn’t an after-school job. You have no experience. You’re not ready.
Chuck: If you want to stay in New York, I’ll find a place for you in the company. I know it’s going to be a long road, but I’m ready now.
Jack: What do you say we throw him a party to celebrate him running the company?
Blair: Why not celebrate Bart dying? That would be just as tasteless.
Serena: Are you sure this is the best time for a flare-up of Chuck fever?
Blair: I’m having no such thing. We’re just friends. He’s gone through a lot. And he needs someone to be there. Anyway, you’re the one that told me to help him out in the first place. Hey, what’s up with Gossip Girl putting out a hit on Dan?
Serena: Excuse me?
Blair: Apparently Gossip Girl is looking for evidence to prove that Dan’s cheating on you. Not that anyone else would ever want Dan Humphrey—no offense.
Serena: Blair, who did this? {sees two Mean Girls} I see they act alone now.
Blair: It’s so hard finding obedient minions.
Mini-minion: Dating Nate Archibald after striking out with Dan Humphrey? Talk about failing upwards.
Jack: I owe you an apology. The fact is, you’re Bart’s son and it is your rightful place.
Chuck: Your blessing means a lot to me.
Jack: Good. Now before we start spooning I want to take you out tonight to properly celebrate.
Chuck: I’m having dinner with Blair.
Jack: Reschedule.
Chuck: She’s been a good friend to me.
Jack: Yeah. I saw you two talking this morning. Last time I had a friend like that I wound up with gonorrhea.
Chuck: Suprex?
Jack: Rocephin.
Gossip Girl: What’s it going to be, Chuck? Business and Blair or cocktails and coquettes?
Hazel (Dreama Walker): You stole Dan Humphrey’s phone?
Penelope (Amanda Setton): Not bad, Nelly. At this rate you’ll be off probation by your second marriage. Is that candy?
Gossip Girl: Looks like Chuck Bass made his choice. But careful, Bass. Now that you’re a big fish there are a lot more sharks in this pond.
Rufus: They don’t wanna meet. They don’t want us to contact them. Ever.
Lily: Rufus—
Rufus: Well I guess that’s it then. I’ll go back.
Serena: So how was your non-date with Chuck last night?
Blair: He had to reschedule. Spare me those expressive eyebrows. I can’t wait ’till you get botox.
Serena: I’m just saying—
Blair: You’re just saying nothing.
Jenny: You are so conceited.
Eric: You are so annoying.
Gossip Girl: Hold on to your floppy cable-knit hats, kids. Lonely Boy’s secret is out and this one’s a doozy. D wasn’t cheating but there’s definitely a third party involved. Seems D and S share a sibling. While I’m always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn’t share DNA.
Gossip Girl: Oh Chuck. Didn’t your father teach you: Never mix business with pleasure.
Chuck: I don’t need your help. Stop trying to play wife.
Lily: Oh hey. I was just going to call down and have our car brought around.
Rufus: I don’t think I’m ready to go.
Lily: Rufus.
Rufus: What Lily? The family could change their mind. We should write them a letter and explain that we just want to meet the boy.
Lily: The parents don’t want that.
Rufus: What about what I want? This works out well for you. You don’t want to meet your son.
Lily: Oh. You don’t think I haven’t thought about this boy every day of his life? You want to meet him. Have you thought about what happens after that? What if we find out he’s had a horrible life? Or what if we instantly love him and then it’s very clear that we’ve made a terrible mistake?
Rufus: My only fear is feeling like we failed to try everything.
Lily: Well we can keep trying from New York. We don’t have to stay here.
Rufus: Why not, Lil? It’s another day. Is that too much to ask?
Lily: Yes. Yes it is. Because this whole search has been so excruciating I don’t want to go through it anymore. I don’t want to spend another day—yet another minute trapped in this hotel room scared that you’re going to hate me forever. When I’m still in love with you.
Chuck: You’re my only family. How could you do this to me?
Jack: You did it to yourself. Clearly I was right and you weren’t ready.
Chuck: You have your own life, your own company.
Jack: Sure. In Australia. My dear brother literally placed me on the other side of the world. I did everything right. I ran that place without complaint. And it thrived under my watch. And this is how he repays me. By giving the company to a teenager who can’t keep his pecker in his pants for 24 hours.
Chuck: At least I can keep mine in service for longer than five minutes.
Jack: You can have that. I’ll take Bass Industries.
Chuck: It’s not yours to take. My father gave it to me.
Jack: Actually, there is one stipulation attached to your appointment. A morality clause. Bart knew his son. He specified that should you in any way act inappropriately, the board has the option to replace you. With your legal guardian. Which, wouldn’t you know it, is me. I already talked to the board. I’m in charge now.
Eric: Have you spoken to mom yet?
Serena: No. It went straight to her voicemail.
Eric: Yeah, me too. Are you okay?
Serena: Not really. I’m so mad at her for keeping this from us but at the same time I feel incredibly sad for her and Rufus.
Eric: I know. Sounds like it’s got Grandma written all over it.
Serena: And reeks of gin and Chanel No. 5.
Eric: It is so weird that we have a half… something.
Serena: And so do Dan and Jenny.
Eric: Are you and Dan going to be okay?
Serena: I don’t know. I had enough trouble with the idea of mom and Rufus dating, but now I share a sibling with my boyfriend. That’s little more hillbilly than I can handle.
Eric: It is a little twisted. But so what?
Serena: Well what if we can’t get past it?
Eric: I don’t know. But you can’t push Dan away right now. Whatever you are going through he’s going through the same thing.
Chris Rossen: It was last year. Andrew was sailing with some friends. They jumped in the water. Andrew got caught in a riptide.
Lily: I’m so sorry, um—
Rufus: Yeah, if we had known we wouldn’t have even bothered you.
Chris Rossen: It’s my wife. She’s had trouble with it. It was too painful for her to tell you because, well, it was too painful for her to tell anyone.
Chuck: I’m sorry. I screwed up.
Blair: It’s too late, Chuck. I stood by you through all of this but I can’t watch you self-destruct any longer.
Chuck: Jack set me up.
Blair: There’s no one to blame but yourself. I believed in you. Your father believed in you. You are the only one who didn’t. All I wanted to do was just… be there…. But today when you called me your wife, you made it sound like the ugliest word in the world.
Chuck: Blair, please.
Blair: Sorry. But I’m done.
Dan: Through all this I had so many thoughts going through my head, but the one that kept popping up again and again: what does this mean—for us?
Serena: I don’t know, but we’ll figure it out. Because I know no matter what I want to be with you.
Dan: Me too.
Serena: And there’s gotta be some kind of precedent for this, right?
Dan: Yeah, yeah, there’s gotta— in literature, uh, Toni Morrison maybe. Flannery O’Connor. The Russian aristocrats before they all became hemophiliacs.
Serena: Or Clueless. Alicia Silverstone’s character dated her ex-step brother. And they made it work. That’s super skeevy.
Dan: Thank you. That makes me feel so much better.
Eric: I’m really sorry. There, I said it first!
Jenny: Thanks. But uh, I really should be the one to apologize. I mean, you have every right to want to be alone with Jonathan.
Eric: That doesn’t mean you get on my nerves.
Jenny: That’s okay. I want to get on your nerves.
Gossip Girl: The problem with inheritance is that it’s not always as simple as it sounds. Sometimes you get more than you bargained for. Or you discover that in gaining one thing you’ve lost something else. But every once in awhile, the fate’s smile upon you. And you get the one thing you really need. XOXO —Gossip Girl