England 932 A.D.
First Swallow-Savvy Guard Where’d you get the coconuts?
King Arthur We found them.
First Swallow-Savvy Guard Found them? In Mercia? The coconut’s tropical.
King Arthur What do you mean?
First Swallow-Savvy Guard Well this is a temperate zone.
King Arthur The Swallow may fly south with the sun. Or the House Martin or the Plover may seek warmer climes in winter. Yet these are not strangers to our land.
First Swallow-Savvy Guard Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
King Arthur Not at all. They could be carried.
First Swallow-Savvy Guard What? A swallow carrying a coconut?
King Arthur It could grip it by the husk.
First Swallow-Savvy Guard It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios.
Dead Collector Bring out your dead!
Peasant Here’s one.
Dead Collector Nine pence.
I’m not dead!
Dead Collector What?
Peasant Nothing. Here’s your nine pence.
I’m not dead!
Dead Collector Here. He says he’s not dead.
Peasant Yes he is.
I’m not!
Dead Collector He isn’t!
Peasant Well he will be soon, he’s very ill.
I’m getting better!
Peasant No you’re not. You’ll be stone dead in a moment.
Dead Collector I can’t take him like that. It’s against regulations.
I don’t want to go on the cart.
Peasant Oh don’t be such a baby.
King Arthur Old woman.
Dennis Man!
King Arthur Man. Sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
Dennis I’m thirty-seven.
King Arthur What?
Dennis I’m thirty-seven, I’m not old.
King Arthur Well I can’t just call you man.
Dennis Well you could say Dennis.
King Arthur I didn’t know you were called Dennis.
Dennis Well you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
Woman Who are the Britons?
King Arthur Well we all are. We are all Britons. And I am your king.
Woman Didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were an autonomous collective.
Dennis You’re fooling yourself. We’re living in a dictatorship. A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes—
Woman Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
King Arthur I am your king!
Woman Well I didn’t vote for you!
King Arthur You don’t vote for kings.
Woman Well how’d you become king then?
Angelic music plays…
King Arthur The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. That is why I am your king!
Dennis Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!
King Arthur Be quiet!
Dennis You can’t expect to wield supreme excutive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you.
King Arthur Shut up!
Dennis I mean if I went ’round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a simitar at me, they’d put me away.
King Arthur Shut up! Will you shut up!
Dennis Ah! Now we see the violence inherent in the system.
King Arthur Will you shut up!
Dennis See the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I’m being repressed!
King Arthur You are indeed brave, Sir Knight, but the fight is mine.
The Black Knight Oh! Had enough, eh?
King Arthur Look, you stupid bastard, you’ve got no arms left.
The Black Knight Yes I have.
King Arthur Look!
The Black Knight It’s just a flesh wound.
The Black Knight Right, I’ll do you for that.
King Arthur You’ll what?
The Black Knight Come here!
King Arthur What are you going to do, bleed on me?
The Black Knight I’m invincible!
King Arthur You’re a looney.
Sir Bedevere What makes you think she’s a witch?
Peasant Well she turned me into a newt!
Sir Bedevere A newt?
*beat*
Peasant I got better.
Crowd Burn her anyway!
Sir Bedevere There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
Peasant 1 Are there? What are they? Tell us.
Sir Bedevere Tell me. What do you do with witches?
Peasant 1 Burn them.
Sir Bedevere And what do you burn, apart from witches?
Peasant 1 More witches!
Peasant 2 Wood.
Sir Bedevere So. Why do witches burn?
Peasant 3 Because they’re made of… wood?
Sir Bedevere Good. So how do you tell whether she is made of wood?
Peasant 1 Build a bridge out of her.
Sir Bedevere Ah! But can you not also build bridges out of stone?
Peasant 1 Oh yeah.
Sir Bedevere Does wood sink in water?
Peasant 1 No, no, it floats! It floats! Throw her into the pond!
Sir Bedevere What else floats in water?
Peasant 1 Bread!
Peasant 2 Apples!
Peasant 3 Very small rocks!
Peasant 1 Cider!
Peasant 2 Gravy!
Peasant 3 Cherries!
Peasant 1 Mud!
Peasant 2 Churches! Churches!
Peasant 3 Lead! Lead!
King Arthur A Duck.
Sir Bedevere Exactly! So, logically…
Peasant 1 If she… weighs the same as a duck… she’s made of wood.
Sir Bedevere And therefore?
Peasant 2 A witch!
Crowd A witch! A witch!
Sir Bedevere We shall use my larger scales!
Sir Bedevere Right, remove the supports!
Crowd A witch! A witch!
Accused Witch It’s a fair cop.
Sir Bedevere …and that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.
Sir Lancelot the Brave Look, my liege!
King Arthur Camelot!
Sir Gallahad the Pure Camelot!
Sir Lancelot the Brave Camelot!
Patsy It’s only a model.
King Arthur Shh!
King Arthur On second thought, let’s not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
King Arthur Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
Taunting French Guard Well I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. Ah, he’s already got one, you see!
King Arthur What?
Sir Gallahad He says they’ve already got one!
King Arthur Are you sure he’s got one?
Taunting French Guard Oh yes. It’s very nice!
King Arthur Now look here, my good man—
Taunting French Guard I don’t want to talk to you anymore, you empty-headed animal food trough whopper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!
Sir Gallahad Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
Taunting French Guard No! now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.
All Run away! Run away!
Dingo Where are you going?
Sir Gallahad I seek the Grail! I have seen it here, in this castle.
Dingo Oh no. Oh no. Bad bad Zoot!
Sir Gallahad What is it?
Dingo Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting light to our beacon. Which I’ve just remembered, is grail-shaped. It’s not the first time we’ve had this problem.
Leader of the Knights Who Say Ni! We shall say “Ni!” again to you, if you do not appease us.
King Arthur Well what is it you want?
Leader We want… a shrubbery! {jangling music}
King Arthur A what?
Knights Who Say Ni! Ni! Ni!
King Arthur Please! Please, no more. We shall find you a shrubbery.
Leader You must return here with a shrubbery. Or else you will never pass through this wood… alive.
King Arthur Oh Knights of Ni, you are just and fair. And we will return with a shrubbery.
Leader One that looks nice.
King Arthur Of course.
Leader And not too expensive.
King Arthur Yes.
Leader Now…. go!
Concorde Quickly, sir! Come this way!
Sir Lancelot No, it’s not right for my idiom. I must escape more…
Concorde Dramatically, sir?
Sir Lancelot Dramatically!
King Arthur Where could we find this cave, oh Tim?
Tim the Enchanter Follow! But! Follow only
if you be men of valor. For the entrance to this cave is guarded by a creature so foul, so cruel, that no man yet has fought with it and lived! Bones of four and fifty men lie strewn about its lair! So, brave knights, if you do doubt your courage or your strength come no further. For death awaits you all with nasty big pointy teeth.
Sir Bedevere What an eccentric performance.
Tim the Enchanter That’s no ordinary rabbit! That’s the most foul, cruel and bad-tempered rodent you ever set eyes on.
Sir Gallahad the Pure You tit! I soiled my armor I was so scared.
Bridgekeeper Stop! What is your name?
King Arthur Sir Arthur, King of the Britons.
Bridgekeeper What is your quest?
King Arthur To seek the Holy Grail.
Bridgekeeper What is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
King Arthur What do you mean? African or European swallow?
Bridgekeeper What? I don’t know that.
Sir Bedevere How do you know so much about swallows?
King Arthur Well you have to know these thing when you’re a king you know.
Taunting French Guard I unplug my nose in your general direction, sons-of-a-windowdresser! So, you think you could outclever us French folk with your silly knees bent running about and dancing behavior. I’ll wave my private parts at your aunties! You cheesy load of secondhand electric donkey bottom biters!
King Arthur French person! Today the blood of many a valiant knight shall be avenged. In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight ’til each one of you lies dead. And the Grail returns to the one whom God has chosen.