Ghosts
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Dude, I’m freaking out. You’ve got to help me.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): What’s wrong?
Shawn: My mom’s here.
Gus: She’s back in the country?
Shawn: Back in the country? Try back in the city. Try downstairs in my dad’s kitchen.
Gus: Where are you?
Shawn: Hiding out in my bedroom. Oh my god. Holy crap! I just found an entire unopened box of shrinky dinks.
Gus: You’re hiding in your bedroom because your mom came to visit? Dude, you’ve got problems.
Gus: Shawn, I have no time for this. I have my own problems. I have to go see Frankjim Ogletree.
Shawn: Frankjim Ogletree? Is that a person or a hippopotamus?
Gus: He’s the new regional sales manager. My immediate boss. And a tyrant. They call him the Little Pinochet.
Shawn: That’s too abstract. Why don’t they call him Jerk Pants or Suck McJones?
Gus: They’re MIT guys, Shawn.
Frank Ogletree (Todd Stashwick): Are you familiar with the exclusivity clause in your contract? It means we don’t allow second jobs.
Gus: Jobs? No, no. Psych is more like community service. And it never affects my work.
Frank Ogletree: This photo was taken Thursday night. I noticed that you signed out early that day.
Gus: At least I signed out.
Gus: What is this?
Ogletree: It’s a termination notice. Or you could quit your other job. You tell me. {Gus sets down the letter} Good choice.
Shawn: I have worked out a compromise that will solve all of this.
Gus: Really?
Shawn: Yes. You quit this job—this job you quit! We take on extra cases to make up the difference in salary.
Gus: I make forty-eight grand a year, Shawn.
Shawn: What is that, Yen? Who needs forty-eight thousand dollars to live?
Gus: I need thirty-two. The other sixteen generally goes to you.
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous.
Gus: I claimed you on my taxes, Shawn!
Shawn: Gus, I’m not budging until we make this nice.
Gus: Alright. You asked for it.
Shawn: Asked for what? {Gus tries to force him out}
Gus: Don’t you dare go boneless on me, Shawn!
Shawn: Tastes like it was dipped straight out of Willy Wonka’s river.
Gus: Would you get serious?
Shawn: Well he’s not the most gracious host you know. If he had just offered I wouldn’t have to ask.
Shawn: That dog is kind of an a-hole.
Gus: It sees something.
Shawn: Yeah. Urine stains on my pants.
Gus: So what do we do now?
Shawn: I think we stay here. We close the blinds, we lock the doors, we call it a night. Del Taco? Del Taco.
Gus: No. not me. I’m going out there.
Shawn: Are you kidding me?
Gus: Shawn. This is what we do.
Haversham: So what is this now, a shakedown?
Shawn: Oh there’s no shakedown. I’m just telling you what I know. I’m a psychic. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility I share with Gus. All we want is the opportunity to continue doing our work.
Haversham: Just between us?
Shawn: I’m a psychic. I can’t lie.
Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?
Gus: Who put the orange slices in the punch bowl already? They’ll be soggy by the time everyone gets here. This is a disaster, people!
Shawn: Yep. First typhoid fever, now this.
Gus: Shawn, this night has been thirteen years in the making. Everything has to go perfectly. What I need from you is your support and your cooperation. Not your sarcasm and mockery.
Shawn: Alright, fine. Let me know when I can mock. ‘Cause I’m ready to mock.
Gus: Shawn, that isn’t you, is it?
Shawn: No it isn’t.
Gus: It’s Judd Nelson, isn’t it?
Shawn: Yes it is. And it’s sweet sweet nice. Woah. Look who just rolled in. Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. from Fresh Horses.
Shawn: Dude. You didn’t tell me Abigail Lytar was coing.
Gus: Oh yeah.
Shawn: I should say hello.
Gus: Are you doing this to me on purpose? Are you fabricating some kind of foul play just to mess up the night for me?
Shawn: Yes, I am. I killed someone here at our high school reunion, just to foil your thirteen year retrospective of best pep rally moments.
Gus: Do you even know what a pep captain is, Shawn?
Shawn: It’s a male cheerleader I believe.
Gus: It’s a leader among men, Shawn! A leader among men.
Shawn: Who cheers. I saw Bring It On.
Abigail: Oh wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You’re together. Everything makes sense.
Gus: We are not dating.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. He’s gonna date me?
Gus: No body, no crime, Shawn.
Shawn: Gus! Buddy!
Gus: No body, no crime!
Gus: Lassie. What are you doing at our reunion?
Lassiter: Well first off, of course it had to be yours. ‘Cause that’s my luck. Secondly, I’m on a date.
Shawn: Well we’re on a case and you’re on it with us.
Lassiter: Not tonight, I’m not.
Gus: On a date? With a person?
Lassiter: Yes, with a person!
Gus: Who goes to someone else’s class reunion when they barely even know you?
Shawn: Who goes to Ravi Shankar concert?
Gus: What are those?
Shawn: Just a copy of every key in the school. By the end of senior year I managed to become a member of the Transamerican Western Custodial Union Local 456. Don’t hold me to this, but I believe I still have voting privileges.
Gus: So what? Now you’re saying that Howie and Eileen are the killers?
Shawn: Yep.
Gus: Wasn’t Howie the victim at one point?
Shawn: Gus, that is so forty minutes ago. I bet you’re still telling your friends to chillax.
Gus: Shawn. Why would two people who just killed someone be so casual? Smiling. Dancing.
Shawn: I agree. It is both surreal and disturbing to watch two murderers do the Cabbage Patch.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo Pie with a caramel ribbon. It doesn’t matter what these people think of you. But—and I put this out there as a challenge to you—you really want to show them that you’ve lived up to your potential? Help me solve this case, please. Come on! How many of our classmates are out there solving a murder tonight? Huh? A handful? Maybe? You could be one of them.
Shawn: Ducky!
Gus: What?
Shawn: Dude. We’ve been looking in the wrong John Hughes movie. This isn’t Breakfast Club. Or Curly Sue. Or Mr. Mom. And it certainly isn’t Flubber.
Gus: Why’re you hating on Flubber?
Shawn: I’m not hating on Flubber.
Gus: I’m not following.
Shawn: What do all the best John Hughes movies have in common? A love triangle. There’s always a Ducky.
Gus: Dear Leland Bosseigh High Administrative Board, We accept that you’re withholding our deposit of fifteen hundred dollars for damages. We also accept that you just see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms. In the most convenient definitions. A snarky psychic. An uptight pharmaceutical salesman. A pretty female blonde detective. And a not-so-pretty, unusually lanky detective. But each of us is all those things. Plus, our normal fee for solving a murder in one meaningful evening is twice that. So enclosed is a bill for three thousand dollars. Please remit payment in the form of a check made out simply to Psych.
Daredevils!
Gus: I can’t believe you did this, Shawn.
Shawn: Clearly you’re unaware that some churros have more nutrients than carrots. Twelve more of these, I’ll have my RDA of riboflavin.
Gus: No, I mean accepted tickets to some ridiculous tractor pull as payment for a case.
Shawn: Gus, when your clients are carny folk it’s this, or twenty rides on a rusty tilt-o-whirl. And I remember the last time you got on one of those.
Shawn: I can’t believe it, dude. It’s Dutch the Clutch.
Gus: What, you know that guy?
Shawn: You don’t remember Dutch the Clutch? He was on That’s Incredible once when we were kids. And he jumped Springfield gorge!
Gus: That was Homer Simpson.
Gus: That was insane.
Shawn: No. That was attempted murder. {he takes a dramatic bite}
Lewis (Brian Gross): I brought us the two new die hards you asked for.
Dutch the Clutch (Jeff Fahey): Man, already?
Shawn: Actually I’m Die Hard. He’s Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew but they aren’t nearly as good as us.
Dutch: Well how the hell’d you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
Gus: Excuse me. What happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well we can’t talk about it. For legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said it ain’t decapitation if the head don’t come off all the way.
Dutch: Can’t nobody tell me I can’t do anything no more.
Gus: That’s gotta be the worst English I’ve ever heard.
Gus: These release the employer from any liability in case the stunt tester is torn to shreds. Stunt tester? Is that what we’re doing? Are you crazy?
Shawn: Trust me and be cool.
Gus: This one is in case we’re accidentally chewed to death by a malfunctioning robot? Oh, hell no.
Shawn: Relax, you’ll be fine.
Gus: “Debone”… “Killed and rekilled”. How does that even work?
Shawn: Gus, don’t be an old sponge with hair hanging off it. I’m all over this case.
Gus: “Mimed to death”?
Shawn: It’s clearly a typo. They meant maimed. Nobody can be killed by Marcel Marceau.
Gus: Marcel Marceau is dead.
Shawn: See, there’s nothing to worry about.
Gus: You’re guilty of attempted patricide!
Shawn: And: you tried to kill your own dad.
Lewis: I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
Shawn: The kind that loves bees. And historical novels.
Gus: You must be out of your damn mind!
Red: Well we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.
Gus: You didn’t know that before you tried to set us on fire?
Red: That’s what you’re getting paid for.
Gus: So Red’s not the bad guy. He wouldn’t smuggle in drugs to help Dutch and then turn around and kill him.
Shawn: This is bizarre. Why kill someone if he’s already dying?
Gus: That begs the question: who knows he’s dying.
Shawn: We have to come up with something soon or he’s a goner. We need to know who stands to gain from Dutch’s death and for that we need his will.
Gus: But Lewis said there was no will.
Shawn: He doesn’t know his dad’s dying, Gus. If you were dying of cancer, would you have a will?
Gus: Are you kidding? I’ve had my estate planner on speed dial ever since we started this stupid business. Do you know how many times I’ve had a gun shoved in my face because of you?
Shawn: Three?
Gus: Wrong answer.
Gus: Is that his will?
Shawn: It’s just as good.
Life insurance policy?
Gus: That doesn’t make any sense.
Shawn: Tell me about it. {beat} Dude, seriously. Tell me about it. I have no idea what this means.
Gus: You never could understand legalese.
Shawn: Oh really? Remind me who it was that set up our Psych 401(K).
Gus: Oh, you mean our 601(K)s? Because India doesn’t have 401(k).
Shawn: It’s a growth economy, Gus. We’ve already made like five hundred rupees.
The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
Henry: Shawn, did you or did you not break any laws?
Gus: We impersonated priests.
Shawn: We were professors!
Gus: We were priests, Shawn.
Shawn: Dude, a hose? Really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?
Gus: Shut up, Shawn!
Jack: No no no no no, I get it. You bust in here, you blind them with water and then you make your move!
Jack: It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you kids to the track and we were betting the ponies.
Gus: I was the only eight-year-old kid who knew what a trifecta meant.
Jack: Okay, now here’s the plan. Everything we find, we split fifty-fifty.
Gus: That’s after we donate most of it to a museum, right?
Jack: We are so going to do that, Gus.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, let me be frank.
Shawn: As long as I can be Dean and Gus can be Sammy.
Gus: Why do I have to be Sammy?
Shawn: Fine. He’s Sammy. That makes you Joey Bishop. Is that what you really want? Do you want to be Joey Bishop?
Juliet: Shawn—
Shawn: I’m sorry, Jules. How often does someone set you up with “Let me be Frank”?
Chief Vick: Here you go, Mr. Guster. This is all they had in lost and found in your size.
Gus: An Ugg boot? I can’t wear an Ugg boot with— {she glares at him} It’ll be dope with my one Puma.
Gus: Redial again. And this time try to dial the right number!
Shawn: Look man, I’m dialing with a ten-year-old Erasermate in my mouth. It’s not an exact science.
Shawn: In Argentina, Ché is slang for buddy or pal. Sort of like I call you Blackstar or Homeskillet or Big Baby Burton.
Gus: Don’t ever call me homeskillet.
Shawn: Right.
Gus: But why didn’t you tell anybody?
Shawn: I did. She knew just what to do. {Andres is not real. Follow us. You smell nice.}
Henry: I still can’t believe that he got away with the gold! You gotta think that some day allthis stuff is going to catch up with him though.
Shawn: Yeah. And that day might just be today. {he lays down some gold}.
Henry: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Oh yeah. He’s got the rest of it. Don’t worry, we’re donating it to the museum.
Henry: All of it?
Shawn: Ish.
Disco Didn’t Die. It Was Murdered!
Shawn: Oh no.
Gus: What is it?
Shawn: It’s my dad’s biggest case.
Chief Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He’s no longer on the force and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn’t clear is why people always say “it goes without saying” yet still feel compelled to say the thing that’s supposed to do without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?
Chief Vick: No! And frankly I could care less.
Gus: Now that’s the one that bothers me. Why do peopel say, “I could care less” when they really mean “I couldn’t care less.”?
Chief Vick: You two realize I carry a gun. Right?
Gus: That was perfectly allocuted.
Shawn: There is no way that I am showing you what’s in this folder.
Henry: You’re lucky I’m even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you or your little friend here knew what hit you.
Shawn: I think in some states that’s called child abuse.
Gus: I think all of them.
Shawn: If you insist on staying involved in this case, then there are going to be rules. I was hired by the police department, therefore it is my ass on the line and those rules will be made by me. You are no longer a cop. And unless you plan on going back to the academy, and climbing the high wall and doing the obstacle course, where you shoot the bad guys, but not the old lady with the sack or the blind guy with the cane or the cute little squirrel with the bushy tail and big fat nut. {he trails off} It started off well.
Gus: It really fell apart at the end.
Gus: You know I’m afraid that being wrongfully convicted is the tragic way my story ends.
Gus: I feel ridiculous.
Henry: Speak for yourself. I’ve got this shirt at home. His mother used to love it.
Gus: Yeah, like thirty years ago.
Henry: Are you kidding, I wore it to lunch last week.
Gus: Nice going, Shawn. That was all our money.
Henry: That’s what happens when you send in the one guy who’s never bought a car before.
The car slides into a parking spot and the stumble out.
Shawn: If that had been on purpose that would have been totally cool.
Gus: I need to get that power steering fixed. Not to mention that seat is jammed all the way to the front Makes my entire left side fall asleep. {He walks away with a serious pimp walk}
Pookie (Ted Lange): Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?
Shawn: Well, Mr. Pookie. {Gus giggles} As you may have heard, a judge recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks case.
Pookie: Maybe I heard, maybe I didn’t.
Shawn: Right. Well we’re looking for information on a few people that might used to run with old Eugene.
Pookie: Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Henry: Alright alright. I know how this works. Gus, get the other sock. Give him some money.
There Might Be Blood
1987
Young Gus: How can you be sure it’s down there?
Young Shawn: I can feel it in my bones, Gus. All great oil wildcatters have that ability. Me… Getty… Clampett… Crisco and Wesson.
Present Day
Gus: Don’t play, Shawn. You know that fungus is my bread and butter.
Shawn: Really? You know what my bread and butter is? Bread and butter. Fungus has never entered into the equation. Not once.
Gus: I wonder what this case is about. It obviously has something to do with the ocean.
Shawn: Ah, Gus, could be anything. Crab on crab violence. Gang war between merman and the shark people. Or! Maybe she wants to take us wild orca hunting.
Shawn: Don’t you see what’s happening here, Gus? We are merely pawns in a bitter sibling feud.
Gus: I’m nobody’s pawn, Shawn. I’m a queen.
Gus: What are we looking for anyway?
Shawn: Anything Hicks may have received with a threat of violence. Correspondence, angry phone messages, mash notes.
Gus: Mash notes are love letters, Shawn.
Shawn: Really? Remind me I owe someone a huge apology.
Gus: We’ve gotta get back on that rig. But how?
Shawn: I have an idea.
Gus: Is it good?
Shawn: Not really.
Shawn: That’s what Renault meant when he said they were doing something unsafe. They’re not drilling where they say they’re drilling.
Gus: They’re drilling directly on a fault line.
Shawn: We gotta get out of here.
Gus: Shawn, I think the rule is when you hear gunfire you don’t go towards it.
Gus: What part of “stay put” is confusing to you?
Shawn: The “put” part. Stay put? I wasn’t put in the first place. The expression is a complete disaster.
Commander Dunlap: Okay, enough. The painfully cute mugging’s starting to get on my nerves.
Gus: What are you, Entertainment Weekly?
Talk Derby to Me
1987
Henry: Something’s missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.
Young Shawn: Dad, you robbed me?
Henry: No, robbery’s the taking of property by force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone in this room.
Young Gus: So you’re a burglar then.
Henry: No, Gus, burglarly involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you’re not getting it back.
Present Day
Shawn: Gus, I need you paying attention. Do you think you can make that happen?
Gus: I only opened my book for a second, Shawn. You know I have to study for my exam.
Shawn: Right. The Rx… something.
Gus: Rx Rec Rx. Pharmaceutical Rep Recertification Exam.
Shawn: That is the second worst name for a test ever. Right after the Proctological Practicum.
Shawn: What is this green slime on your book? You just come from the Kid’s Choice Awards?
Gus: This place is filthy.
Shawn: Maybe it’s a clue.
Gus: Maybe it’s urine.
Shawn: Smell it.
Gus: I’m not going to smell it. Are you going to help me or not?
Gus: What are we doing, Shawn?
Shawn: Well for starters we’re both growing mustaches very very slowly. But we’re also investigating.
Gus: This is Juliet’s investigation. We’re gonna blow her cover. We need to stay out of her way.
Shawn: You’re exactly right, Gus. Or: We do the exact opposite. I vote for number two.
Gus: Dude, you are leering.
Shawn: If by leering you mean staring oddly in a creepy way, yes. But it’s for an investigation, Gus. They’re all scraped up from burglarizing. Burglarization? Burglarism.
Shawn: Sweet Fantasy Island, that is a body!
Gus: I told you.
Shawn: You can not sit out here alone in the dark in a parked car. You’ll be picked up for mopery.
Gus: Mopery?
Shawn: With intent to creep. Trust me. It’ll kick a big hole in your future.
Shawn: It’s okay! It’s alright. My name is Shawn Spencer, this my partner… I can’t believe I’m blanking. I’ve done this a million times.
Gus: Nice work.
Credit Dept Woman: Office. Code Blue.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re not here to rob you.
Credit Dept Woman: Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.
Gus Walks Into a Bank
Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.
Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!
Christmas Joy
1988
Present Day
Six Feet Under the Sea
1987
Young Shawn: We did it, Gus. A year of planning has finally paid off.
Young Gus: Don’t you think we should wait until they get a little further away?
Young Shawn: No. We have to move now. We’ve got ten minutes to find the dolphin, feed it, and then ride it.
Present Day
Shawn: Wait a minute. Is this a funeral for a sea lion?
Gus: Yes. Yes, it is. And don’t start, Shawn. Shabby’s more than just a sea lion.
Shawn: Oh no.
Gus: Oh no what?
Shawn: I think this sea lion was murdered.
April MacArthur: Gentlemen. I’m going to need to see you for a moment.
Gus: Great. Now you got me kicked out of a funeral. Nice. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of a pet store, kicked out of Santa’s Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army—
Shawn: Dishonorably discharged.
Gus: It’s not all the time that we have an attractive conservationist coming to the office. Oh, and by the way, I called her.
Shawn: What do you mean you call her? You can’t call a person.
Gus: Why not?
Shawn: ‘Cause I already called her.
April: Okay, this is it.
Shawn: What is there like a hidden door in the rock wall?
April: No.
Gus: You said you could get us in.
April: Yeah, I can give us a boost. The electrified security fence is broken here. Unless they fixed it.
Roger: So what are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, ah, hiding from sharks. Yeah, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on, so we kicked ours off.
Roger: That’s not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks! Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically altered shark-like beasts… here… in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True.
Roger: What?
Shawn: Not well. But they’re sharks.
Gus: Hair analyst? That worked?
Shawn: I’ve always dreamed of having one myself.
Gus: They’re coming.
Shawn: Quick, jump in the water.
Gus: They’re gonna see us.
Shawn: Okay, hang from the anchor. Where’s the anchor?
Gus: That only works in cartoons!
Shawn: Is there a shark cage?
Gus: How could that possibly be a good idea?
Shawn: I don’t know. At least I’m coming up with ideas!
Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing
Gus: Shawn, will you get serious? Lassiter just shot a guy!
Shawn: Don’t be ridiculous. He didn’t kill anyone. His finger wasn’t even on the trigger.
Shawn: The spirit world is abuzz and my psychic vibes indicate—nay, insist—that Lassiter did not shoot Chavez.
Gus: I mean we all knew that he would shoot somebody someday.
IA: So you think he’s capable of it?
Shawn: No, he doesn’t. At most Lassiter would plant evidence.
Gus: I’m still not convinced, Shawn. How can you be absolutely certain that Lassiter didn’t shoot Chavez?
Shawn: It’s relatively easy, Gus. I decided to be and therefore I am. Socrates said that.
Gus: That was Rene Descartes.
Shawn: That was the cologne we wore in high school.
Gus: That was Drakar Noir.
Shawn: No, that is a wine.
Gus: That’s pinot noir.
Shawn: You really want to know my process?
Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn: It usually starts with a “holla!” and ends with a Creamsicle.
Gus: And if there’s time in between, Thundercats!
Lassiter: I’m dead.
Gus: Did you know that before he stabbed a guy he was a life coach?
Shawn: Who would hire him as a life coach?
Gus: The guy he stabbed.
Henry: Kenny Loggins was in the next cell? Was Jim Messina in there with him?
Shawn: Who’s Jim Messina?
Gus: A different Kenny Loggins.
Lassiter: I do have something for you. More of a token, really.
Shawn: Get out of this station!
Gus: Wow. Free chips with any sandwich purchase at Hal’s Hoagies.
Shawn: Lassie, there aren’t words.
Lassiter: It’s the least I could do.
Gus: Yes, it is.
Earth, Wind and… Wait for It
Shawn: The first thing an arson inspector looks for is the point of origin.
Gus: Okay. How in the world do you know that?
Shawn: I rode the Backdraft ride at Universal Studios like seventy times.
Gus: Shawn, you can’t base a whole theory on a movie.
Shawn: There’s a movie?
Shawn: I accidentally mixed up Fire Chief Dan’s phone with mine. They’re similar shapes and my hand was in his pocket.
Gus: You stole his phone?
Shawn: He was throwing us out. Gus, I plead the Third.
Gus: The Third Amendment is no soldier can live in a house against their will. You mean the Fifth.
Shawn: Eh, I’ve heard it both ways.
Gus: What other ways have you heard it?
Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central
Gus: What are we going to do, just walk into a pro football training camp and start asking if anyone’s missing a foot?
Shawn: The words “foolproof” and “plan” do come to mind.
Shawn: He also happens to be a very good friend of mine.
Gus: You met him once when you were ten.
Shawn: And the only thing that my dad and I both like besides Asian slaw and Harry Hamlin. Who’s with me? Who’s with me on Hamlin?
Gus: Literally, no one’s with you.
Gus: Look, let me be clear. These hands are not touching anyone. I only use these hands to touch myself. {Shawn stops} Ah. Let me rephrase that.
Shawn: Please stop speaking. And no more fist bumps for the rest of the day.
Shawn: It’s game time. I’m about to blow their minds. How do I look?
Gus: Like an idiot.
Shawn: Sweet.
Shawn: Vlad’s body. It’s dark, it’s murky. His voice is a little, ah…
Gus: Warbly.
Shawn: That’s right. Like it’s calling to me from underwater. Maybe a river or a stream. Perhaps a—
Lassiter: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad’s body an hour ago.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, looks like you’re a little late to the game this time.
Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure eighties film? Wow. O’Hara, write this down.
Truer Lies
Gus: Are you trying to show up the police department? Is this about pride?
Shawn: Gus. I got these jeans in a garage. Not a garage sale. A garage. Pride is clearly not an issue for me. This is about me not wanting a man to be wrongfully convicted because he has a sickness he cannot control. Plus he appreciated my hair.
Gus: No. He appreciated my hair.
Shawn: A handlebar mustache?
Gus: Like the Hamburglar?
Shawn: No no no. Mayor McCheese, he had the ‘stache. Burglar had the mask.
Gus: Right, right. Then it was Grimace. That brother was funny.
Shawn: No no no. Excuse us. I gave you Vin Diesel.
Gus: Gave me?
Shawn: You’re not claiming Grimace as a brother.
Gus: Grimace is a brother.
Shawn: He’s an amorphous mass. He’s like an amoeba.
Gus: He’s a black amoeba, Shawn.
Shawn: Purple.
Shawn: How much do we have in the Psych savings account?
Gus: I really hate when you ask that question.
Ryan: I know who, what, when and where.
Gus: Come again?
Shawn: Ryan, that’s everything we need to know. That’s all of it. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Ryan: Because no one would let me.
Shawn: That’s true, Gus. That’s very true.
Gus: Yeah I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.
Ryan: The time was ten o’clock.
Shawn: Ten o’clock.
Ryan: To four thirty.
Shawn: Four thirty.
Gus: A six hour window? What, do your killers work for the cable company?
Tuesday the 17th
1988
Gus: Where’s your clown pinata?
Shawn: It’s not a clown. And wouldn’t you like to know.
Present Day
Shawn: Dude, I’m telling you, you cannot add lettuce. It completely takes you out of the burrito.
Gus: You don’t seem to mind if a taco has lettuce.
Shawn: ‘Cause everyoe knows the taco has assimilated, Gus. The burrito remains authentic. It’s the Rollie Fingers of Mexican cuisine.
Shawn seeing the hanged pinata: Oh my god.
Gus: What the— Isn’t that your…
Shawn: Yeah yeah. It’s my Rick Astley pinata. I think it’s dead.
Gus: Rick Astley? That’s what that thing is supposed to be?
Shawn: Oh come on. You sound like the judges. Look at it! It’s painfully obvious, even now.
Gus: It looks more like Ann Margaret.
Shawn: What?
Jason Cunningham (Mackenzie Astin): I had it narrowed down to Eric Stoltz or Boris Becker.
Irwin the Janitor: You’re all doomed!
Shawn: Alright, we’re outta here.
Gus: Shawn, stop it. He’s kidding. Look at him.
Shawn: Yeah. Clearly. He has a folksy sense of humor. The Garrison Keillor of Tikihama. Turn around before we get stabbed.
Gus: Jason! We made it.
Shawn: What the hell happened to him?
Gus: He’s fine.
Shawn: Those are nurse’s shoes.
Gus: They’re probably very comfortable.
Shawn: They’re both left feet.
Gus: You must be out of your mind if you think for one second I’m going out there. I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that when a brother goes out to the woods, he doesn’t even sorta come back. {Clive laughs and Gus glares at him}
Clive: Sorry.
Shawn: LL Cool J made it all the way through Deep Blue Sea.
Gus: That was in the water, Shawn. With sharks. And Sam Jackson’s ass still got swallowed whole.
Shawn: Boy. Billy. I will give you everything in Gus’ wallet if you’ll put your pants back on.
Gus: Dude. Please cover your junk.
Gus: Shawn! What are you doing here?
Shawn: I came in here to save you!
Gus: I beat him already!
Shawn: Well I can see that now!
Gus: Here! Take this.
Shawn: This is a pool skimmer.
Gus: There’s not a lot of options here, Shawn.
An Evening with Mr. Yang
1988
Present Day