Romeo and Juliet and Juliet
Present Day
Shawn: Oh my god, we’re on the same page. You were trying to lure her out of this dungeon by using details from this case.
Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): I am not.
Shawn: See, it’s not just me. You’re concerned abut her insisting on staying down here. The unreturned phone calls and the ever-so-slight darkening of the hair.
Lassiter: I hadn’t noticed.
Gus: I like it.
Feet Don’t Kill Me Now
Present Day
Lassiter: Spencer, keep your pie hole shut until I assess the crime scene.
Shawn: Nothing shuts my pie hole but pie.
Lassiter: Spencer, stop wasting my time. You know how this works. You want in, you make a case to your father who’s done nothing but say no to you since he was made head on consultants. Thank god. {he walks off}
Shawn: I’d be lying if I said I like having to ask my dad for case assignments. And I’d also be be lying if I said Val Kilmer still looks like Val Kilmer.
Gus: I still have hope.
Shawn: Me too.
Lassiter: What’s wrong?
Gus: I’m not used to getting introduced by my real name.
Lassiter: What are you doing here, Spencer? We already interviewed the tehnician.
Shawn: If Gus is allowed to show off his expertise then I’m allowed to show off mine.
Lassiter: Spencer, we don’t have time to watch you make a snowman out of mashed potatoes.
Lassiter: You can’t yell at me. You’re just a consultant.
Henry: Oh yeah? I know what happened to your neighbor’s squirrels.
Lassiter: Carry on.
Shawn: Watch it and feel it.
Lassiter: I refuse to watch it and I’m sure as hell not going to feel it.
Lassiter: Spencer, am I cuffing Charlotte the Harlot or what?
Shawn: No. Sorry. {to Charlotte} You and I are back on dirty.
Not Even Close… Encounters
1990
Present Day
Chivalry Is Not Dead… But Someone Is
Lassiter: Spencer, we don’t need your particular brand of theatrics here this evening. Go home and go back to bed.
Shawn: Lassie, are you kidding me? The death of this man is like staring my own mortality in the face. If someone’s out there killing handsome and youthful bachelors in Santa Barbara, then all of us are in danger. Maybe not all of us. Certainly Gus and myself.
Lassiter: Okay, let’s start getting witness statements. What do you want: the creepy old ladies or Ken dolls.
Juliet: The Ken dolls.
Henry: You’re not afraid of a competition, are you Shawn?
Shawn: Of course not. As long as it doesn’t involve people trying to best each other.
Lassiter: Well I’m up for it. Matter of fact, I’ve already won.
Juliet: You disturb me. And your theory on this murder disturbs me. And you disturb me.
Lassiter: You said that twice.
Juliet: Yes.
Lassiter: You have a funny way of morning. You sure didn’t waste any time getting back up on that horse after your husband’s death.
Jillian Tucker (Jean Smart): I’m late for a business meeting. And I don’t ride horses, detective.
Lassiter: Mrs. Tucker, are you trying to seduce me?
Jillian Tucker: Not even a little.
Juliet: We believe someone may have poisoned Mr. Tolkin with strychnine.
Lassiter: Do you remember what his drink order was that night?
Bartender: Normally I wouldn’t, but his caught my attention. It was different. Classy. Cool.
Lassiter: Yes. {writing} Sea breeze.
Bartender: Ah. No. Gabardine Hightail.
Juliet: Let’s go! We have to get up there before it’s too late.
Lassiter: I’m aware of that, O’Hara. What am I supposed to do, shoot my way up the hill? I will!
Shawn and Gus In Drag (Racing)
Shawn: Look, we only came over to get a closer look at the ride because I used to have one just like it. Gus and I built it from scratch in auto shop.
Lassiter: Spencer, you don’t want this case.
Shawn: But I do.
Lassiter: But you can’t have it.
Shawn: Oh, but I will.
Lassiter: Stop it.
Shawn: Look, Lassie, I know we’ve had kerfuffles in the past. But to be honest this has all the makings of a Psych special. Fast cars.
Gus: Fast women.
Shawn: Fast food.
Gus: Murder.
Shawn: That too.
Buzz: Awesome driving.
Lassiter: Thank you, McNab. There is actually quite a bit more to pursuit driving than most people think.
Buzz: I was talking about the other guy.
Lassiter: Mr. Paget!
Paget: It’s pronounced Pagét.
Lassiter: I’ve heard it both ways.
Paget: Yes, I hired Max. Yes, I called him after he retrieved my car. But he didn’t tell me that he had a change of heart.
Juliet: Well what did he say then?
Paget: He said somebody was after him.
Lassiter: Who?
Paget: He didn’t get a chance to tell me that. From the sound of his voice he was scared.
Shawn: You can’t just go in there and slap these guys around, all limp-wristy. Expecting them to tell you anything.
Lassiter: I’ve never had a limp wrist in my life.
Shawn: Punch me in the face!
Lassiter: What?
Shawn: You’re going to blow my cover, now punch me in the face!
Lassiter: I’m not going to punch you in face!
Shawn: Ronald Reagan was a terrible president.
Lassiter punching him in the face: You son-of-a-bitch!
Buzz: There they are. Nice work, guys.
Shawn: Thank you, Buzz.
Buzz: No, I meant nice work getting owned by a girl.
Shawn: Okay. For your information we did not get owned. We refused to fight back.
Gus: We don’t hit women.
Shawn: That’s right.
Lassiter: No, but apparently she does.
Lassiter: That crazy son-of-a-bitch isn’t going to stop. {the car rolls to a stop} Maybe he is.
Lassiter: Spencer get out of the car!
Viagra Falls
Lassiter: You know, I’ve never named my gun. How about Mr. Thunderstick? {Juliet shakes her head}
Henry: These drugs are still just circumstantial.
Chief Vick: Agreed. But this is starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Juliet: I just got a confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his savings account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Juliet: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief Vick: This is bad. This is really bad.
Ferry Tale
Present Day
Lassiter answering the phone: Lassiter.
Shawn: Tell my dad I kinda took matters into my own hands.
Juliet: Chief, we have to listen to them. Two of our own are on board.
Lassiter: Well, one-and-a-half at best.
Henry: Still not helpful!
Shawn 2.0
Present Day
Shawn: Alright, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan Rand: I’m sorry. I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be dropping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter, my partner Juliet O’Hara and… {indicates Shawn} eh.
Shawn: “Criminal profiler.” Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan Rand: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Lassiter: Well done, Declan.
Shawn: “Well done Declan”? Since when do you use first names?
Lassiter: We need to track this girl down.
Shawn: Hey! I’m the one who came up with the list thing.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.
Declan: Are you sure we don’t want to ask her more questions? She was a precise match to my profile.
Lassiter: Your profile can kiss my big round white dumper, Declan. I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women!
Juliet: You don’t?
Lassiter: No. I’m not twenty-nine anymore.
One, Maybe Two, Ways Out
Santa Barbara 0837 Hours
Shawn: Lassie, what’s up?
Lassiter: Spencer. I just got a call about a white guy and a black guy running down the boardwalk wreaking havoc and I immediately thought of you guys. Are you involved?
Shawn: Don’t know anything about said havoc.
Lassiter: What about reports of a black ops helicopter circling the bay firing of shots?
Shawn: Helicopter in Santa Barbara firing off shots? Lassie, please! Go to men’s bathroom, behind the condom machine is a vial of sanity serum. Crack it, digest, call me in half an hour.
Extradition II: The Actual Extradition Part
Shawn: Lassie! What are you doing in Canada?
Lassiter: I should be asking you two the same question. I’m here to extradite Despereaux back the United States.
Lassiter: Is this how they do things at the station?
Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): No. No, usually it’s much less professional.
In Plain Fright
Present Day
Juliet hitting Todd: A hundred and forty-five pounds my ass!
Lassiter: I’ve got the tiny girl with the limp.
Shawn: Nice Lassie.
Lassiter: It’s easy. She doesn’t run very fast.
Dual Spires
Shawn: It’s nice to finally have some alone time.
Juliet: It is. But you know we’re not really alone, Shawn.
Father Westley: You were not lying about the pie, Burton. It’s heavenly.
Gus: Right? Now we’re on to Ecclesiastes.
Father Westley: One of my favorites.
Shawn: We couldn’t blow off a priest. I’m pretty sure that’s a sin.
Juliet: Well, it’s not so much Gus and Father Westley. And Carlton…
Lassiter doing a great Agent Cooper: That’s a damn fine cup of cider.
Juliet: It’s the other people.
We’d Like to Thank the Academy
Shawn: Lassie! We totally caught the bad guys.
Lassiter: Yeah. What do you think you’re doing crashing a stakeout?
Shawn: You’re welcome.
The Polarizing Express
Present Day
Shawn: Now come on. Let’s hug it out.
Lassiter: I would rather fall in love with a vegan.
Shawn: That’s fair.
Lassiter: Look, this lack of animosity is kind of freaking me out right now.
Dead Bear Walking
Lassiter: This is my sister.
Buzz: Not genetically though, right?
Lassiter: Yes, genetically, you idiot! What’s the matter with you? Okay, I get it. There might be a little age difference between us, but I can assure you, although she may not have been traditionally planned, she was a happy accident.
Shawn: Hey Lassie. Hey Jules.
Lassiter: How’d you guys find out about this already?
Shawn: Well first off, Gus follows several of the zebras on Twitter and his phone is blowing up with tweets. I follow the exotic birds and they’re actually tweeting. And finally, we heard someone was making a motion picture.
Lassiter: Back off hippies!
Juliet: They’re protestors, Carlton.
Lassiter: Same diff.
Cody Blair (Michael Gross): This is highly unorthodox.
Shawn: I can assure you, you will not feel that way after I prove to you that this bear did not kill its trainer. You can enter that unto the record.
Lassiter: Spencer, this isn’t a coutroom, there are no records.
Shawn: Permission to treat this man as a hostile witness.
Blair: No.
Shawn: Quick sidebar?
Blair: Absolutely no.
Shawn: Should we poll the jury?
Blair: Negative.
Shawn: May I try on your robe, Judge?
Blair: If you’ll excuse me.
Lassiter: You murdered your neighbor over two feet. You were at war with each other.
Shawn: Like Belushi and Akroyd.
Lassiter: Yes! In Trading Places.
Shawn: Neighbors.
Lassiter: I gave it a shot.
Gus: Know the feeling.
Lauren: Very impressive, Detective Lassiter.
Lassiter: Please. Call me Carlton.
Lauren: I will. I was doing a bit.
Yang 3 in 2D
1990
Present Day