Extradition: British Columbia
Carlton Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Thanks for letting me use your miles.
Juliet O’Hara (Maggie Lawson):Thanks for bringing me along.
Lassiter: If I didn’t bring you along, you wouldn’t let me use your miles.
Juliet: Still, it was really sweet.
Lassiter: Hello, Despereaux. I bet you’re not too happy to see me right about now, are you?
Despereaux: I have absolutely no idea who you are.
Dykstra: Your boss is really good.
Lassiter: I do not work for him.
Juliet: It just seems that way sometimes.
Death Is in the Air
Lassiter: Woah! Take it easy, slugger. What are we dating?
Lassiter: You’re not trained in covert surveillance.
Shawn: Really? What part of training is announcing our presence with a megaphone?
Lassiter: Just go hide in a bathroom and stay out of our way.
Shawn: Alright we’ll go. But not because you told us to. Gus has to tinkle.
Lassiter about Lake Victoria: I used to practice figure skating there when I was little. {pause} I mean ice hockey.
Shawn: What are you, Michael Vick?
Lassiter: I’m not going to shoot him! He doesn’t know that.
Shawn: He doesn’t know anything. He’s a dog.
He Dead
Mrs. Clayton (Christine Baranski): I’m really quite shocked.
Lassiter: You are?
Mrs. Clayton: Yes, it just doesn’t show on my face because of years of Botox.
High Noon-ish
Gus: Holy crap.
Shawn: He shot that guy!
Lassiter: I know. Isn’t it great?
Shawn: This is not a real town.
Gus: It’s a tourist trap.
Lassiter: I don’t believe this. I send you two out there to find out what the heck’s going on and you get Sheriff Hank run over by horses?
Shawn: Look, Lassie, I don’t even know how to get someone run over. And as long as we’re assigning blame, the horses shouldn’t get off scott-free.
The Devil’s in the Details… and the Upstairs Bedroom
Shawn: My senses are telling me that this girl committed suicide.
Lassiter: Well you can tell your senses to kiss my sweet— {sees a nun} love… biscuits…
Gus: I don’t know if you made that any less offensive.
Lassiter: So let me get this straight. You think that she was possessed. As in floating above the bed, head-spinning, pea soup on the wall. That sort of thing?
Shawn Has the Yips
Shawn: Alright, look. I know you’re all thinking it so here goes. I am suffering from a mental block. It goes all the way back to my youth. It’ very common amongst highly-skilled athletes and international men of leisure. They call it the Yips.
Lassiter: They should call it the Sucks.
Shawn: The guy at the door has a gun! We need to make a plan. There’s a Louisville Slugger on the wall. We can crack the glass, use it to symbolize you’re packing.
Lassiter: Move. {he starts firing} Police. Freeze, douchebag!
Lassiter: Your hypothesis is crap. Who walks in to a known cop bar to kill a cop. Makes no sense.
Shawn: Fact—
Lassiter: You say that again, I’ll punch you in the face.
Shawn: Truuuth. There was only forty-two dollars in the cash register.
Chief Vick: Lassiter, do you have any idea who’d want to shoot you?
Lassiter: A lot of people want to kill me. I take great pride in that.
Bollywood Homicide
Shawn: This is Detective Carlton Lassiter. I do his job. And sometimes his hair, though clearly not today.
Lassiter: I’m really sorry, Spencer. I can’t play with you today. I’m about to go solve another case. And do it in record time.
Lassiter: Let’s go straight to the million dollar question: who exactly is responsible?
Raj: I am. I hurt them all. I’m a danger to everyone around me.
Lassiter: Just so we’re clear, I’d like you to write everything down. When you did it, where you did it, why you did it. {Rajesh starts writing} Now the “why” is very important— You’re done?
Raj: Yes.
Lassiter: You just wrote like three words.
Let’s Get Hairy
Lassiter: Wait a minute, he broke through his chains?
Shawn: Figuratively, yes. Technically it was duct tape and kite string.
Shawn: Sure you don’t want to tag along?
Lassiter: I would rather adopt a child.
Lassiter: Alright. Fine. Let’s hear it.
Shawn: For who? The boy? That’s on Gus’ iPod. It’s back at the office.
Gus: Don’t say a word about Denise Williams.
Lassiter: Yes, I have the right address. It’s the one you divined!
Dr. Tucker: For what it’s worth, I only went into the woods to kill a deer. The hunters were a mere crime of opportunity. A happy accident.
Lassiter: Oh! That’s worth absolutely nothing.
Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark
Juliet: What are you playing with over there?
Lassiter: It’s blood.
Gus in his head: Binshot binshot binshot… Oh my god. Shawn’s been shot.
Henry: Think you could pick up the pace, Mr. Viability?
Lassiter: There’s an excellent chance I was bitten by a tick back there.
Lassiter: Spencer, what the hell are you doing?
Shawn: Which Spencer are you talking to?
Lassiter: Doesn’t matter. You’re the same person.
Lassiter: Nice shooting, Detective.
Shawn: Did you just call me Detective?
Lassiter: No.
You Can’t Handle This Episode
Lassiter: Someone better start telling me something because I’m in the mood to staple heads.
A Very Juliet Episode
Juliet: I really do appreciate you being my sounding board through all of this.
Lassiter: I want you to listen to me, O’Hara. And believe this because I mean it from the bottom of my heart. All romance ends in despair. Or death. But mostly despair. Gut-wrenching despair. I hate to say this but I’m actually happy that this happened because now you know. And it’s just going to make you a better cop to realize that all people are essentially just out there to destroy any sense of happiness you’ve ever had.
Lassiter: JT Waring is a Los Angeles mobster. Went down for racketeering a few years ago.
Shawn: What’s racketeering?
Lassiter: Nobody knows.
Wayne: I’m a federal agent, you idiot.
Lassiter: Not anymore.
Think Tank
Lassiter: So as I understand it, the suspect offered all of you eighty-five hundred dollars a day. With the exception of Mr. Boyd who got ninety-five hundred.
Shawn: Woah. How come you got more?
Gus: Yeah. He tells the future.
Boyd: All you told us is the plot to Die Hard 3.
Shawn: Yeah, and that isn’t difficult to ascertain?
Snowden: I thought you were an idiot.
Lassiter: Well we’ve all been there.
The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode
Lassiter: Everytime we get a high profile case you know what happens next. Spencer’s going to waltz in here, make some crazy proclamation about what happened and in five days he’s going to be right. Well not today. {on the walkie} McNabb, hold back the Wonder twins.
Lassiter: Spencer, one loose end doesn’t make it foul play.
Shawn: It doesn’t?
Gus: How do you think we’ve stayed in business these last four years.
Shawn: But what if it does?
Shawn: We’re one in the same. We’re Shassie now. We’re Sharlton. We’re Spencer.
Lassiter: Oh my god.
Mr. Yin Presents…
1989
Present Day