American Duos
1987
Young Shawn (Liam James): What’s with the Michael Jackson outfit? That’s like two years old!
Young Gus (Carlos McCullers): I got scared!
Young Shawn: You were supposed to be Billy Ocean. Why would Michael Jackson sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Gus: Why would Billy Ocean sing with Roland Orzabal?
Young Shawn: ‘Cause he’s awesome! Now we’re going to add the Moonwalk into Shout. I hope the judges don’t slam us for it.
Young Gus: I don’t know how to Moonwalk.
Young Shawn: You better learn quick.
Present Day
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill): Rule number one, Shawn: No talking during Duos.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh for the love of Lori Laughlin. Please. Use the pause button just once. Why did we get Tivo if we never fast forward and I can’t stop for commentary.
Gus: No calls either!
Shawn: Gus. Don’t be a rabid porcupine. This is just a knock-off of the other knock-off of the original knock-off of that other show.
Shawn: That’s it. I’m cancelling the Tivo. No more frame-by-frame. No more Ghost Cats.
Gus: I recorded that by accident!
Shawn: Then why didn’t you erase it for three months?
Gus: Fine. But I’m putting up the official Burton Guster spoiler alert. Until I get back and watch the recording, nobody utters a word about American Duos.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson):That’s going to be difficult.
Gus: Well Nigel’s essentially a monster. He’s an equal opportunity bastard. The list of suspects can be narrowed down to everybody. Even I kinda want to kill him.
Gus: How did you know that sandwich didn’t come from the kitchen?
Shawn: Easy. There were only eighty-three sesame seeds on his bun. All the other ones from the hotel had eighty-seven.
Gus: Are you serious?
Shawn: No. The other ones had swords. Nigel’s had a toothpick. I’m not Rain Man, Gus.
Gus: You sing like Rain Man.
Lassiter: Spencer. You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a Little Red Corvette?
Gus: Under a Cherry Moon?
Lassiter: Fingerprints.
Gus: Shawn, we’re in a hallway. Standing close to a wall doesn’t make us invisible.
Shawn: Agree to disagree.
65 Million Years Off
1987
Young Gus: This head is to exact scale. It took me three months to make it. Yours took five minutes.
Young Shawn: No, Gus. You’re totally wrong. It took me a whole hour. Check this out. {his car-powered dinosaur takes off}
Young Gus: I hate you, Shawn.
Present Day
Chief Vick: Detective, if you don’t mind I’d like to see what Mr. Spencer has to offer.
Shawn: Alright, look. This is going to be a little rough, okay? I didn’t have time for shading. There was no forced perspective. If I really had my fruthers I’d have done it in charcoal. {to Gus} You know what I’m talking about. Look, what I’m trying to say is that I’m not the artist I used to be—
Shawn: I can play Six Degrees of Dinosaur with you. Right now. You’ve never been in a movie with Kevin Bacon or a Dilophosaurus, have you?
Gus: How about you play Six Degrees of Kiss My Ass?
Shawn: First of all, that sounds like a totally disturbing game.
Shawn: You coming or what? {Gus spikes something squeaky at his head}. That’s clearly a no.
Shawn: Okay. This is creepy. Why is Gus here?
Gus: What do you think, Shawn?
Shawn: He’s a hostage?
Doug Devette: Perhaps I can shed some light on that.
Shawn: Two hostages.
Shawn: Gus!
Gus: Don’t look at me. I’m here for the cupcakes.
Gus: I don’t think we can rule out the possibility of an island somewhere in the Pacific where dinosaurs do exist.
Shawn: And have an appetite for Jeff Goldblum.
Gus: I’m being serious, Shawn.
Shawn: Well look who’s Mr. On-board and sounding like a whacked wombat.
Shawn: Dude, I’m gonna get the leaf blower.
Gus: You brought a leaf blower?
Shawn: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Gus: I just discovered a dinosaur.
Gus: We’re pretty sure we just found a cold-blooded murderer and you want to go to his house and ask him about it?
Shawn: We can ask nicely.
Gus: No.
Shawn: Alright alright. We come up with a cover story. We’re Bible salesmen. No. Travelling gypsies. No no no! We’ll do Of Mice and Men. I’m Lenny.
Psy vs. Psy
1987
Present Day
Shawn: I’m sorry, is it just me or is this unbearably boring? I don’t how Ms. Leikin works, but Gus and I are going to investigate the body of the store and search for our culprit’s twisted, wretched, filthy aura. Because that is what serious psychics do.
Gus: You’re still upset that Lindsay showed you up at the crime scene.
Shawn: What is her trick?
Gus: Maybe she’s just more psychic-y than you.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be ridiculous, there’s no such thing as psychics.
Gus: It takes nineteen hours to bake a pineapple upside-down cake?
Shawn: It does when it’s being heated by a sixty watt bulb.
Gus: It’s not upside-down, Shawn.
Shawn: First of all—I and I think I can say this with a fair amount of certainty—there is definitely something not right about this cake.
Gus: Maybe because it was baked in a child’s oven.
Shawn: We’re talking about a deluxe Easy Bake Oven, Gus. I paid over three hundred dollars for it on eBay. This is hardly a toy!
Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds
1987
Henry: I’m sorry, son. But he just outpedaled you. You understand?
Young Shawn: I think so. {Gus rings his bell}. I got it! I had the wrong song playing that time. Best two out of three.
Present Day
Lassiter: I’ve got less patience for you today than normal. See, I received an invitation to give a presentation at the 21 LES. {blank stares} Twenty-first century law enforcement seminar.
Shawn: Oh… yes. We know that better as 21 Saint Cent Less.
Gus: I like to call it 21 Cent Law Enfo Semi.
Lassiter: Go ahead. Make jokes.
Shawn: I think we just did.
Lassiter: You guys are so funny. Oh guess what? I just got a new car. Yours.
Gus in the backseat of his car: Maybe we had a little too much fun with him.
Shawn: Maybe. {to Lassiter} I have to pee.
Shawn: He’s not going to get anywhere talking to those valets. They have a very strict code.
Gus: I still think you’re thinking about the British.
Shawn: I don’t know if it looks like the warehouse from Blue City, Gus. You’re the only one that remembers that movie. {…} What are you, insane? Way more people saw From the Hip than Blue City— I’m not going to talk Judd Nelson right now.
Shawn: I think I solved the crime I was supposed to solve and not the crime I should have solved.
Gus: Okay. you’re not making any sense.
Gus: I had to get a deep tissue massage to work out all the knots in my back. I call the big one “Little Shawn”.
Shawn: Okay, that’s the creepiest thing anyone’s ever said to me.
Shawn: You’re not naked under there, are you?
Gus: Naked. And unashamed.
Shawn: Once we figure out what’s up with Jonny G’s shop, we re-solve the case, we get another check.
Gus: And you wanna know what we’re going to do with it?
Shawn: Party like it’s 1999?
Gus: No. We’re gonna—
Shawn: Party?
Gus: No!
Shawn: Kalamu?
Gus: No!
Shawn: Fiesta?
Shawn indiscriminately pulling wires: Uh oh. Looks like something’s wrong with your in-dash DVD navigation and integrated surround sound system.
Gus: That was my speedometer. Now I can’t see how fast I’m going!
Shawn: Regardless.
Gus: Is it a tight knot under the shoulder blade?
Henry: Yeah. How’d you know?
Shawn: I’m getting Michael Douglas. Catherina Zeta-Jones. The always under-appreciated Don Cheadle.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Female Student: Traffic!
Shawn: “Say hello to my little friend!”
Male Student: Scarface!
Shawn: Guess that’s three strikes.
Gus: Legislated!
And Down the Stretch Comes Murder
1987
Young Jimmy Nicholas: Give it up, Spencer. Or I’ll shove a tuna nickel sandwich right in your grill!
Young Gus: I think it’s a knuckle sandwich.
Young Shawn: Okay okay.
Young Jimmy: And from the Kangaroos. {Shawn gets the money from his shoes}
Present Day
Shawn: Jimmy Nickles called.
Gus: Jimmy Nickles called us? From where? Prison?
Shawn: I don’t think so. It didn’t sound like it. What does prison sound like? Is there singing?
Gus: He’s going to try and kill us!
Shawn: He’s not going to kill us. Right? I mean, people change. We haven’t seen him since the fifth grade.
Gus: I don’t need to see him, Shawn! Some people are just born evil. The kid from The Omen. The Children of the Corn. Chad Michael Murray.
Gus: Why couldn’t I be Crockett?
Shawn: ‘Cause, Gus. You stood in front of the entire third grade class and said, “When I grow up, I wanna be Phillip Michael Thomas.”
Gus: Well you said you wanted to be the mascot for the Milwaukee Brewers.
Shawn: Dude, it’s the biggest sausage in the world.
Gus: Why is Jimmy Nickles coming here, Shawn?
Shawn: I don’t know!
Gus: Why couldn’t you be a real psychic!
Gus: We’re not helping that little monster, Shawn. Period!
Shawn: Okay, so Jimmy’s still a jerk. I can see that. But the truth is, I feel like I owe him.
Gus: For what? If anything he owes us for a hundred and seventy lunches. You know I added that up once, and with inflation that’s like eighteen hundred dollars.
Shawn: It was me who ratted him out, Gus.
Gus: You did that? Why didn’t you ever tell me?
Shawn: You don’t know all my secrets. I’m a man of untold mysteries.
Shawn: Are you channeling the horse or a little boy with a tight fade who used to wear his OP’s without a drawstring?
Gus: The horse, Shawn. I didn’t have a tight fade in the third grade.
Shawn: So. A jockey who was alive at the beginning of the race is dead by the end. Not to sound insensitive, but I think we have a case.
Gus: That sounds insensitive.
Juliet: Little people make me… Well let’s just say I had a bad experience with a Christmas elf.
Gus: What, he didn’t give you the right present?
Juliet: No. We dated. And then he dumped me for a dancer from the Ice Storm on Ice.
Shawn: She is an enigma wrapped in a little blonde ridddle.
Barry Saunder (Howard Hessman): Track’s closing down after this meet. Forty-five years I’ve been doing this.
Gus: Why is it closing down?
Barry Saunder: Well no one comes anymore.
Shawn: Is it because of his shirt? Sorry, Dad, but this is like a genocide of color. Somewhere in the world a rainbow is weeping.
Shawn: Woah woah woah. TBW is Jimmy’s wife?
Barry Saunder: Yeah.
Gus: Looks like Juan Carlos was taking all of Jimmy’s mounts.
Gus: Okay, so let me get this straight. You took on this case because you felt bad about Jimmy getting kicked out of school for something he didn’t do. And now you just convinced the police to reopen the case, which led to Jimmy being arrested for murder.
Shawn: Did I ask for nutshelling?
Shawn: I think he looks like a tangelo in that outfit. Or maybe a Clementine, with seeds for hands.
Gus: I think he looks like an evil little Creamsicle.
Shawn: Ha! You mean Dreamsicle.
Gus: No, Shawn. Creamsicle. They’re exclusively orange.
Gus: You don’t know all my secrets, Shawn. I too am a man of untold mysteries.
Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder
1987
Henry: Is that a hint of cinnamon I’m tasting?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah, just a little.
Henry: And I’m detecting just atouch of cilantro and… thyme. Am I right?
Young Shawn: Woah, Dad! You’re really sharp.
Henry: Yeah, I am. Gus? Wanna come out of the pantry?
Henry: Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?
Young Shawn: Don’t hide Gus in the pantry?
Henry: No! A lie always leads to more lies.
Present Day
Shawn: Jules just called. We’ve got a case. We should go.
Gus: You know, Shawn. Maybe you should handle this one yourself. There’s a first time for everything.
Shawn: First time for… what are you talking about?
Gus: Sorry, Shawn. I can’t make it.
Uncle Burton (John Amos): Oh for cryin’ out loud, Burton. The cops are handing you a case. You’ve gotta take it. Gus: You’re the only psychic detective they’ve got.
Shawn: That’s very funny, I—
Gus: Don’t speak.
Gus: I know what you’re thinking.
Shawn: Of coure you do. You’re a psychic detective.
Gus: Now everybody on my mom’s side of the family thinks that I’m a psychic detective. And you’re—
Shawn: Gay.
Gus: No!
Shawn: German?
Gus: No.
Shawn: Invisible.
Gus: My assistant, Shawn!
Shawn: Wow. This is…
Gus: I know. It’s a mess.
Juliet: Who’s this?
Gus: This is my uncle Burton from New Jersey. Shawn invited him.
Juliet: Very nice to meet you, Uncle… Burton?
Uncle Burton: His mom named him after me. It’s not a very common name but some of us still use it proudly.
Shawn: What is the problem here?
Gus: Stop playing, Shawn. You know I can’t do this.
Shawn: Yes, you can!
Gus: No, I can’t!
Shawn: You make some observations, you form a conclusion, and you reveal it to everybody in a ridiculous and/or roundabout way.
Shawn pantomimes the critic dying
Gus: That’s what killed… {Shawn taps his nose} his nose!
Shawn: The curvy A!
Gus: The curvy A? That doesn’t sound like a place that serves food, Shawn.
Gus: Why did you write on my hand?
Shawn: Why would I write on my own hand? This thing’s totally permanent.
Uncle Burton: I want to thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You’re a regular Rockford Files. {he shakes his hand, then leaves}
Gus: Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn: More important question, how much TV does he watch?
Gus: Do you remember this person’s name?
Mushroom Guy: Can’t say that I do. But I remember exactly what he looked like.
Gus: Can you give us a description?
Mushroom Guy: Yeah. Okay. The guy was about nine-feet-tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamous for a hand.
Gus: I don’t think I have any more questions.
Shawn: Yep. That’ll do it.
Shawn: This guy secretly fed beef to vegetarians. Why are we trying to get him out of jail?
Gus: Because he didn’t kill the critic.
Shawn: Magic head!
Gus: Two heads working together as one.
If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?
1987
Present Day
Shawn: I’m sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card, always cash.
Daphne: That’s right!
Shawn: I’m also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cellphone. Never ever at home.
Daphne: That’s dead end. {to Gus} You must get goosebumps being around him.
Gus: I get something.
Shawn: Daphne, I have good news and bad news. The good news is he’s not seeing someone else. The bad news: he’s married.
Goddard: …to hack into a space probe to see if we could get it to blink a word in Morse Code.
Shawn: What word?
Both: Boobs.
Gus: You went through all that trouble just to get some NASA techs to scratch their heads?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. That’s kind of funny.
Shawn: Clearly we have to get inside. What’s our cover going to be? Wait, I’ve got it. {to Gus} You’re the preppy jerk who’s dating the girl I’m in love with. I’m the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.
Gus: Let it go, Shawn. You can’t pass for a teenager.
Goddard: Yeah. He’s right. You’ve got rhytides around the eyes.
Shawn: What did he just say to me?
Shockley: Crows Feet. Do you squint or make funny faces a lot?
Shockley: We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try and hit. Don’t show any fear.
Goddard: Don’t split any infinitives.
Shockley: Don’t dangle your participles.
Gus: At least not in public.
Shawn: Look. If I understood what you guys were saying… I’d still be a virgin.
Gus: I got in. I applied. And I got in.
Shawn: That means a lot, buddy. You’d rather stay with your best friend than, you know, have a future.
Gus: No, Shawn. It says parents of the applicant refused admission.
Rob-a-Bye Baby
1987
Present Day
Shawn: Shotgun!
Gus: You can’t call shotgun on a blimp.
Shawn: You can call shotgun anywhere except a crowded movie.
The boys are researching nannies
Gus: What do you have?
Shawn: Something something… Lassiter’s case… Dude this blows with a capital z.
Shawn: Remember when you went on matchmaker.com?
Gus: You mean when you posted a profile of me without my knowledge?
Shawn: Right. And all the women who responded were complete freaks.
Gus: That’s because you said I was looking for a woman who was strong enough to hold me.
Shawn: I didn’t think they would take it literally.
Shawn: You know what’s not a good idea? Pineapple and movie theatre popcorn-flavored jelly beans. That’s disgusting.
Gus: Shawn, stop spitting. You’re scaring the children. {to a passing child} Hi. would you like some candy?
Shawn: I can’t say that I blame her. These are disgusting. I mean they’re really horrible. Why can’t I stop eating them?
Buzz McNab: Listen, I got a call about two creepy dudes hanging out on the playground.
Gus: Really? I haven’t seen anything. But I’ll keep my eyes open.
Shawn: We’ve just been here hanging out in the bushes. {beat} Oh boy.
Gus: This is so wrong, Shawn.
Shawn: That must be why it feels so good.
Shawn: So this is where Mr. Tea Time got steeped.
Gus: That doesn’t even make sense.
Shawn: Got brewed? Got tea-bagged!
Shawn: Come on, buddy, what do you say? A little cameo on My Two Dads?
Gus: That show was cancelled for a reason, Shawn. I’m sorry. You’re going to have to find someone else to co-parent.
Shawn: I was going to let you be Greg Evigan.
Gus: What are your opinions on verbalizing the baby?
Nanny: Oh my god, never. That’s disgusting.
Bounty Hunters!
1987
Present Day
Shawn: Dude, it’s Byrd! Do you remember Byrd?
Gus: How can I forget him? He looks exactly the same way he did as when we were kids.
Shawn: Same vest. Same Shawn Cassidy hair.
Lassiter: Just so you understand. {demonstrating} Cops are here. Bounty hunters are here. Psychics are here. {they check the hand chart}
Gus: We beat bounty hunters!
Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this scale?
Byrd Tatums (Kevin Sorbo): Look, if I play my cards right, this is going to be my last run. I’m going to collect my fifty g’s and then I’m quittin’ the game. I’m retiring. {Shawn ducks behind Gus}
Gus: What?
Shawn: My bad. Usually when someone’s about to retire they get shot at.
Shawn: We’re bounty hunters. That’s what bounty hunters do!
Gus: We are not bounty hunters, Shawn. I am a pharmaceutical salesman. And Lassiter made it very clear! He said in no uncertain terms. These are certain terms, Shawn! Certain terms!
Shawn: Somebody forgot to drink their courageous juice this morning.
Juliet: Shawn, where are you guys? Let us send some black and whites.
Shawn: Gus, you want a black and white cookie? Catana, you want a cookie?
Tancana: Can’t eat wheat. Or yeast.
Gus: I thought I was clear! I’m retired! {Shawn ducks} Will you stop doing that!
Shawn: Dude, I’m pretty sure this is the boat from Dead Calm.
Gus: Great. Now I have to worry about Billy Zane too.
Shawn: Why don’t you just put down the fish bonker. You’re making Gus very nervous.
Shawn: What do you think, buddy? How ’bout that nap?
Gus: Shawn, are you forgetting something?
Shawn: I know. You need a nightlight.
Gus: Shawn!
Shawn: Oh.
Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy
1987
Young Gus: This sucks.
I know! We were tied a hundred and fourteen to a hundred and fourteen. And I was up.
Young Gus: You weren’t supposed to be playing with my new ball.
I’ll give you a thousand dollars to go get it.
Young Gus: Two thousand.
Done.
Present Day
Shawn: The Christmas Spirits told me to give this {pulls out a toy rifle} to you.
Buzz: Oh my goodness. A Daisy Red Rider. I had noe of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.
Shawn: Well Merry Christmas from me and Gus.
Buzz: Thanks guys. {he walks off}
Gus: He’s gonna shoot his eye out.
Shawn: Yes he is.
Shawn: I can think of someone who could use a little cheer this time of year. {hinting} Recently divorced.
Gus: Separated.
Shawn: Estranged. {Gus quibbles} Embattled.
Gus: Yes.
Shawn: Dude, I’m really stoked. In over twenty years of friendship I can count on one shop teacher’s hand the number of times your folks have had us over. I assume it’s because they can’t stand my father. Understandably.
Gus: Well I wouldn’t necessarily say that.
Shawn: What would you say necessarily?
Gus: Let’s just say it’s not because of your dad.
Gus: Because of you, Shawn, I got my first B, broke my first curfew, accidentally killed the state bird.
Shawn: How was I supposed to know he couldn’t hold his own liquor?
Shawn: Speaking of smoked turkey, you know why Gus isn’t a smoker? Because when we were kids I made him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and he discovered he hated the taste. Pretty good influence, if I do say so myself.
Winnie Guster (Phylicia Rashad): Probably what gave him asthma.
Bill Guster (Ernie Hudson): Probably what stunted his growth too.
Gus: I’m five ten and a half.
Mr. Guster: We hear you, son. We hear you.
Henry: Gus, you’re tall enough. Shawn, you’re an idiot. To be fair there’s lots of complicated causes for asthma.
Gus: Whatever the cost is, I’ll cover it. Don’t worry about it.
Mr. Guster: We appreciate the gesture, Burton. But son, we’re talking real money.
Gus: You have a savings account and a penny jar. I have a401K. A diversified asset-allocated portfolio full of securities and equity to tap into.
Mrs. Guster: He’s always been so good with the big words.
Gus: All my life it’s been, “Gus can’t handle this.” “Protect Gus from that.” Well guess what? I’m the most responsible, well-prepared, non-criminal record having person in this room. And it’s high time you two stopped babying me. I’m twenty-nine years old. And by the way, I know you’ve only been married for twenty-eight years. I did the math a long time ago. So stop protecting me from that. Starting now, I’m going to take care of you. I’m going to give you money. And we’re gonna solve this case. Shawn may not have always been the best influence on me, but he’s always believed in me. Even when I didn’t believe in myself. And right now, I believe in him.
Mr. Guster: Huh. We hear you, son. {he shakes his hand}
Shawn: Alright, you’ve had your moment, man. You nailed it. Go ahead and make a timely exit. Come on, man. Before you gotta make another speech.
There’s Something About Mira
1987
Henry: Come on, boys. Sit up. Napkins in laps. Now listen, we don’t get to go out very often. So I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.
Young Gus: I’m gonna have nachos!
Present Day
Gus: Hey. I swore I saw that guy earlier.
Shawn: Oh yeah yeah. He’s been following us all day. I’d say the worst PI ever. Check this out.
Gus: What the! No. He followed me into the bathroom? That’s my sanctuary.
Shawn: I know.
Gus: What do you want from us?
Mace Rhoden: I was hired to find you. By your wife.
Shawn: One more time: piece of criticism. You haven’t mastered the investigative part either. Neither of us are married.
Shawn: I can’t believe you were married! Bachelor party is tainted. I didn’t get to give my brilliant speech that I’ve been planning since we were seventh graders.
Gus: You have not. You have a book of speeches?
Shawn: I wrote those a long time ago.
Gus: You already wrote my eulogy?
Shawn: I don’t remember that.
Gus: “Gus is survived by his best friend Shawn Spencer and twelve cats.”
Shawn: Dude, sky diving’s one thing, but how did she get you to marry her?
Gus: Three words. Three little words.
Mira Gaffney (Kerry Washington): Let’s try goldschlager.
Gus: And four hours later…
Shawn: Oh my god. And your best man was a goat? I was supposed to be that goat.
Gus: Shawn, we’re on me now.
Gus: I’m in trouble.
Shawn: Alright, just be cool. And make your armpits stop sweating.
Shawn: Brace yourself. Jan doesn’t actually exist.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Fact! There is no record of a Jan Englund, buyer of fine wines and food, on the internet anywhere. I did find a Jeff Englund. He’s an albino with a website dedicated to Short Circuit.
Gus: You put us on the email list?
Shawn: That’s a given.
Gus: Shawn, I’ve been there before when it comes to Mira. He’s telling the truth.
Shawn: Yeah. But he’s definitely lying.
Mira: He cheated on me and then he lied to me about missing the wedding and now he’s dead!
Gus: I know exactly how you feel.
Mira: Really?
Gus: Well, no.
The Old and the Restless
Gus: You’re investigating this thing too?
Jervis Kent (Curtis Armstrong): Well of course I am! I have this theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.
Gus: What is that, your Indian blood?
Shawn: They were here first, Gus. Don’t ever forget that.
Always hating on the Indians.
Gus: I’m not hating on the Indians, Shawn. I’m hating on you.
Shawn: Candy Striper? Really? I didn’t even know they made those uniforms for men.
Gus: They just started. There was a lawsuit.
Shawn: I’m just saying. Aim higher.
Lights, Camera… Homicidio
Shawn: This is a real life television studio, Gus. What could be better?
Gus: Eating my breakfast. I was having a poached egg with hollandaise sauce on an English muffin.
Shawn: Look, we’ll solve it up quick. Youll be back home in no time. {he answers his non-ringing phone} Hello? {and hands it to Gus} Dame Judy Dench called. She wants her breakfast back.
Jorge Gama-Lobo (Matt Cendeno): She hates me. She beat me up.
Gus: I hardly think there’s a woman capable of that.
Shawn: Bea Arthur?
Gus: I stand corrected.
Shawn: Let’s go after her.
Gus: Woah woah woah. Maybe now isn’t such a great time to approach her.
Shawn: You’re right. We only have a day to solve the case. We should wait and hang out.
Lance: Shawn, this is so good for me. It’s like Hemingway, like Elroy. Steinbeck, Danielle Steel.
Shawn: Ethan Hawke.
Gus: Judy Blume.
Lance: Exactly! I can wallow in the harsh underbelly of prison life. You know, shake it up a bit with the riff raff.
Gus: Uh. The riff raff? This is the Santa Barbara jail, not San Quentin.
Shawn: It was written up in Fodor’s last year as a nice spa alternative.
Dis-Lodged
1987
Young Gus: We’re starting a secet club.
Henry: The Burn Down the House Club?
Young Gus: The Gus and Shawn Club.
Young Shawn: It’s actually the Shawn and Gus Club.
Henry: You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?
Young Gus: Yes. No girls.
Young Shawn: Everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.
Young Gus: And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
Young Shawn: That’s not a rule!
Young Gus: You said we could have one special rule. That’s mine.
Young Shawn: And that’s the best rule you could think of?
Young Gus: I think you mean, “that’s the best rule of which you could think.”
Young Shawn: I’m not being in a club with this.
Young Gus: Fine! I don’t need you and your misplaced prepositions!
Present Day
Gus: Dude. Do you realize where we are right now? That’s the Monarch Lodge
Gus: You can’t just walk into the Monarch Club. They’re a clandestine society. They have a secret handshake.
Gus: Do you realize what this means?
Shawn: Yes. It means my dad, Mr. Integrity, is nothing more than a lying liar from Liarsburg.
Gus: Those men look evil. White men in hoods?
Shawn: They’re violet.
Gus: That’s how it starts, Shawn.
Shawn: Look around. You’re in a safe place. Surrounded by men who love you. Gus?
Gus: Lassiter. I love you.
Gus: The department’s hiring us?
Lassiter: Not the department. Me. And I can’t pay you.
Gus: Well that sounds worthwhile.
Shawn: Dude, did you see those shipping crates? CCI, AIF, XEP. Those are airport codes. All Brazilian.
Gus: Brazilian airport codes. How do you know that?
Shawn: I lived in an airport for a month, Gus.
Gus: That was Tom Hanks in Terminal.
Shawn: Same difference.
Shawn: Say what you will about credit cards and paperclips, sometimes a door just needs to be owned.
Gus: That’s a screwdriver, Shawn.
Shawn: Screwdriver’s too.
Gus: I think it was unlocked.
Shawn: One of the doctors is cooking the books. How sure are you?
Gus: Eighty-five, eighty-six percent.
Shawn: We’ve gone on much less.
Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion
Gus: I am not working.
Shawn: I know you aren’t.
Gus: I do not work on my birthday.
Shawn: I think you’ve made your position clear on that.
Gus: Then tell me where we’re going.
Shawn: That’s not how a surprise works.
Gus: What do you think? Should I pull out the Cheetah?
Shawn: The Cheetah is the worst name for a pick-up move in the history of mankind. Remember the rule. Treat a woman like a person. Then a princess. Then a Greek goddess. Then a person again. Besides, I think Operation Colonel Sugarlemons is a much better move for a place like this.
Gus: I wonder if it looks like the loft in Head Over Heels.
Shawn: You—and only you—can confirm that.
Shawn: Alright, what do we know about Emily Bloom?
Gus: Well, she wrote Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret and Freckle Juice.
Shawn: I think that was Judy Blume.
Gus: We’re not gonna solve this thing tonight, Shawn.
Shawn: I know part of it. I might even know two-thirds of it. Dude, I could totally go up there.
Gus: But you won’t Shawn.
Lassiter: Alright, Spencer, we did a rush tox screen on Emily.
Juliet: You were right.. She had the same poison in her system as Ciaobella but in a much high dose.
Shawn: I definitely know two-thirds of it!
Gus: Stop it, Shawn. Don’t do it. Don’t just get up there and start winging it. That’s not how we operate.
Shawn: Dude, where have you been for the last two years?
Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead
Sophie: What’s wrong?
Shawn: He won’t break the plane of the mummy room.
Sophie: Why not?
Shawn: He’s afraid of being cursed.
Sophie: He’s not that far off base, really.
Shawn: Please don’t coddle him.
Gus: Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut’s tomb. Cursed. They’re all dead now.
Shawn: Well of course they are. That was over eighty years ago.
Gus imitating Shawn: Look at me. Look at me. I love my hair. I can make obscure eighties references that nobody understands. Laugh at me. Ha ha! Ha! Hey, know something about me? I have a motorcycle, but I never seem to be riding it.
Gus: If you’re going to hide under a barrel, don’t put a phone next to your ear.
Shawn: What’s on the hill?
Gus: That’s freedom, Shawn.
Looking at the Confederate Flag
Shawn: What is wrong with this flag?
Gus: Everything.
Shawn: Besides that.
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: It’s upside down.
Gus: And backwards. What’s your point?
Shawn: There’s nothing here, Gus. It’s just a bunch of old guns. Not even nice ones, at that.
Gus: The Lexan glass case they’re housed in is worth more.
Shawn: Lexan glass?
Gus: Yeah. It’s bullet-proof.
Shawn: Well it would have to be in case the guns decide to fire themselves. Lexan glass.
Gus: That’s common knowledge, Shawn. People know know that.
Shawn: Who? People in Charlton Heston’s house?
Gus: Yes. And yo’ momma.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a Traveling Wilbury.
Shawn: Come on, dude. I honestly didn’t know he was going to be pulling a corpse from the ground.
Gus: That’s okay, Shawn. I honestly didn’t know I was going to be putting my foot in your ass. Life’s full of surprises.
Shawn: We don’t care what he did when he was living. Only since he’s been a mummy. Let’s do this. {he starts diagramming} First, he was on display for six months in Cincinnatti. He didn’t kill anybody there. Then, he was on loan—Plano, Texas. Nobody had their eyes or internal organs stolen there.
Gus: What’s that?
Shawn: A bowl of chili.
Gus: Whats that up there?
Shawn: It’s Austin Kearns. would you pay attention!
Shawn: Woah woah woah. The name of your film is Night Cycle?
Gus: What’s wrong with that?
Shawn: Well it’s kind of boring! Unless it’s about a motorcycle that comes to life at night and solves crime and does sweet wheelies.
Shawn: Dude, he took the van!
Hannah: The mummy?
Gus: Great. Now we’ve got a mummy on the loose and the son-of-a-bitch knows how to drive a stick?
Shawn: It’s not a mummy, Gus.
Gus: You keep saying that and it keeps coming up mummy.
Shawn: I don’t think anybody’s here.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: Fairly to pretty damn.
Gus: Good because I don’t think I can take one more— {he sees a mummy in the driver’s seat}
Chief Vick: I’m the new chief.
Gus: Not interim?
Chief Vick: Don’t you dare call me that again.