Ghosts
1995
Henry: That’s it! Somebody, book him. You! Beanpole. Get over here, fingerprint him now.
Young Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Me?
Henry: Never mind, rookie. I’ll do it myself.
Present Day
Lassiter: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you have discharged your weapon in the last four cases you’ve worked.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a compliment.
Chief Vick: I’ve requested a department-sanctioned psychologist to come here and have a session or two with you.
Lassiter: I’m going to have to say no.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a question.
Lassiter: Could you phrase it like one?
Lassiter: Where’s the bug?
Madeleine: The what?
Lassiter: The bug. {checking the table} Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
Madeleine: I honestly don’t have anything on me.
Lassiter: Then you wouldn’t be opposed to me patting you down.
Madeleine: Actually I’m very opposed to that.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): So. How did it go?
Lassiter: I’m winning.
Juliet: How are you winning?
Lassiter: I answered every question in character as Tom “Gunney” Highway.
Juliet: Who is Tom “Gunny” Highway?
Lassiter: Clint Eastwood’s character? In Heartbreak Ridge?
Juliet: It’s not a contest, Carlton.
Lassiter: Don’t kid yourself O’Hara.
Lassiter: Wow. Oh wow. I poured out to you secrets even I didn’t know I have.
Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?
Gus: Lassie. What are you doing at our reunion?
Lassiter: Well first off, of course it had to be yours. ‘Cause that’s my luck. Secondly, I’m on a date.
Shawn: Well we’re on a case and you’re on it with us.
Lassiter: Not tonight, I’m not.
Gus: On a date? With a person?
Lassiter: Yes, with a person!
Lassiter: Let me impart to you a little police wisdom we like to throw around down at the station: no body, crime.
Shawn: What, do you guys put that on a t-shirt?
Lassiter: Fine. Who did it and why?
Shawn: I don’t know, but… I don’t know.
Lassiter seeing Mindy’s meds: Well that figures.
Lassiter: Three arrests in one night. Not bad. Please tell me you have the body.
Shawn: It’s the furry saber cat. Offstage.
Daredevils!
Juliet: So?
Lassiter: So what?
Juliet: Your date Friday night. Details. What happened?
Lassiter: Well we ordered the crab cakes and she went to the bathroom and didn’t come back. So either it went badly or she’s still in the bathroom.
Juliet: You told the dead clown story, didn’t you?
Lassiter: What? That was a funny story.
Juliet: Clowns are funny. Stories about them being shot to death, not so much.
The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
Shawn: When are we going to find out the deal about the suit guy in there?
Lassiter: Let’s just get back to the story.
Juliet: I cant believe your uncle Jack actually had a treasure map.
Lassiter: I can’t believe you actually pretended your uncle was your dad.
Shawn: I wanted Gus’ dad to do it, but there was a geneaology issue I just couldn’t sort out.
Lassiter: Hold it. So you just gave them the map and told them everything?
Shawn: No, not everything. {Gus smacks him} Okay. Everything.
Lassiter: So they found the treasure?
Shawn: Not exactly. Okay. I may have psychically lead them down the wrong path. The spirit world is just one of life’s little mysteries. Like why the Oxygen Network carries Goodfellas or why fools fall in love.
Lassiter: Spencer, are you going to answer my question or not. How did your dad know where to find you?
Shawn: With some people I can communicate with psychic wavelengths. My father is one of them. Val Kilmer is another.
Talk Derby to Me
Present Day
Lassiter: Spencer, what the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: Right now I’m putting my hand in my pocket, sans thumb. Pointing at an imaginary seagull.
Lassiter: Alright, we definitely need to check all the local paramilitary groups, the security contractors, ROTC—
Shawn: Santa Barbara Ladies Auxilliary.
Lassiter: Huh?
Shawn: Oh. They’re women.
Lassiter: I’ve been itching to do some undercover work. And I’ve got a new mustache guy.
Lassiter: Let me in on this.
Shawn: Sure Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he’s a demon on wheels and of course he’s so very good with women.
Chief Vick: Under the circumstances I might consider you, Carlton. But you’re never more obvious than when you’re undercover. Perhaps you’ve forgotten then prosthetic nose debacle of 2005.
Gus Walks Into a Bank
Shawn: Lassie, Jules. What are you doing here?
Lassiter: What are you doing here?
Juliet: Shawn, we have a situation. Somebody held up the bank and we think he’s taken hostages. {Shawn makes a break for the door but Lassiter stops him}
Lassiter: Woah. Take it easy.
Shawn: Gus is in there.
Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.
Shawn: Don’t worry. It’s fine, Jules. Dare I say dandy. Isn’t that a word from his generation?
Juliet: Shawn!
Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?
Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.
Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.
Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?
Lassiter: Look, I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassiter: Oh it’s my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don’t like my methods. I know you don’t like me. But we are pressed for time. And I’m telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassiter: You take shutgun.
Shawn: You’re so sexy right now!
Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!
Christmas Joy
1988
Present Day
Six Feet Under the Sea
Lassiter: I’m going to kill you, Spencer.
Shawn: I never told you that the victim wasn’t a sea lion.
Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing
Shawn: You really want to know my process?
Lassiter: Absolutely.
Shawn: It usually starts with a “holla!” and ends with a Creamsicle.
Gus: And if there’s time in between, Thundercats!
Lassiter: I’m dead.
Shawn: Lassie, what’s going on here?
Lassiter: Oh let’s see. My partner’s moved on, my career’s in shambles and even sweet lady Justice has abandoned me. That bitch.
Lassiter: I do have something for you. More of a token, really.
Shawn: Get out of this station!
Gus: Wow. Free chips with any sandwich purchase at Hal’s Hoagies.
Shawn: Lassie, there aren’t words.
Lassiter: It’s the least I could do.
Gus: Yes, it is.
Earth, Wind and… Wait for It
Lassiter: A dead body changes things.
Shawn: That’s his email signature.
Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central
Lassiter: Where have you two been? We’ve left you twelve messages.
Shawn: Sorry. We were having our bi-annual Rae Dawn Chong movie marathon.
Shawn: Vlad’s body. It’s dark, it’s murky. His voice is a little, ah…
Gus: Warbly.
Shawn: That’s right. Like it’s calling to me from underwater. Maybe a river or a stream. Perhaps a—
Lassiter: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad’s body an hour ago.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, looks like you’re a little late to the game this time.
Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure eighties film? Wow. O’Hara, write this down.
Truer Lies
Lassiter: What’s going on, Spencer?
Shawn: Ryan and I spent some time in the psychic sweat lodge. {Lassiter looks disturbed} Towelled.
Ryan: Fully.
Lassiter: That’s a nice handlebar. Wonder who his mustache guy is.
Tuesday the 17th
Chief Vick: Can I help you, Detective?
Lassiter: Just thought I would brighten the place up a bit.
Chief Vick: Wow. What a wonderful sentiment for you to buy these for me.
Lassiter: Actually I bought four just to have options, but these were by far and away the worst ones. They must be poisonous. I trid to give them to the lady down in fingerprinting, but it turns out she’s a man. From birth.
Lassiter: Here. You can choose between these two. They didn’t make the cut either. Be careful though, one of them’s expired.
Chief Vick: Um. May I ask what brought on this generosity?
Lassiter: Yes, you may. I have a very special dinner date this evening with my estranged wife.
Chief Vick: You’re reconciling?
Lassiter: Things have been pretty good between us lately. We’ve been friendly.
Maître d’: may I help you sir?
Lassiter: I certainly hope so. I have a reservation under Carlton Lassiter and spouse.
Maître d’: Your reservation is for 7 pm.
Lassiter: That’s right.
Maître d’: It’s 5:20.
Lassiter: I’m a peace officer. I’m practiced in surveillance. I can remain motionless for eight hours if need be.
Maître d’: The bar is also open if you’d prefer to sit.
Lassiter: Oh! That’s good too.
Lassiter: Victoria!
Victoria (Justine Bateman): I was kinda nervous so I got here early.
Lassiter: Me too.
Lassiter: Here is something from a guy with nothing to protect. Heart on his sleeve and …
Victoria: Oh my god.
Lassiter: Don’t say anything. Just put it on, it is long overdue.
Victoria: This is… it’s just too much.
Lassiter: Well, I’ve been working some overtime lately, and sold some confiscated items on Craigslist. And of course that stimulus check, that certainly helped.
Victoria: There’s been a big mistake.
Lassiter: What? Did I do something?
Victoria: No, it’s me. I think, um… I think that I was not very clear about my intentions when I said that I needed to meet you.
Lassiter: What are these?
Victoria: That’s our divorce papers.
Victoria: You know this has been coming for a long time.
Lassiter: Honestly. Let’s just skip this part. I signed ’em while you were in the bathroom.
Victoria: Really? Two years ago you would have thrown them in the fire.
Lassiter: Two years ago I would have lit them on fire and thrown them back in your purse.
Lassiter: Goodbye, Victoria.
Victoria: Goodbye, Carlton.
An Evening with Mr. Yang
1988
Present Day