American Duos
Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Well you are spinning yourself into circles, whoever you are. Maybe you should go outside and rethink your story.
Zapato Dulce (Cristian de la Fuente): What story?
Lassiter: Exactly.
Lassiter: Great. Bride of Frankenstein. Have a seat.
Emilina: What am I doing here?
Lassiter: Well let’s see. Your trailer’s right next to Nigel’s, you hate him, and you can’t seem to account for your whereabouts for most of the last sixty days.
Lassiter: Spencer. You missed something. We found prints.
Shawn: Was he in a Little Red Corvette?
Gus: Under a Cherry Moon?
Lassiter: Fingerprints.
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): And who might this be, detectives?
Juliet: Meet Bevin Rennie Llewellyn.
Lassiter: Ms. Saffron woke up out of her sternum, rabbit-punched me in the sternum, and ID’ed this guy as her attacker.
65 Million Years Off
Lassiter: Come on, we’ll show you how real cops do it. {he leaves}
Juliet: No comeback? Shawn. That’s slightly embarrassing.
Juliet: That was amazing.
Lassiter: I’ll give you that one.
Juliet: I’m getting a bad feeling about your streak.
Lassiter: You too, huh?
Juliet: Do you need a hug?
Lassiter: Oh, what do I look like! {he walks off… and back in} Okay, I’ll take the hug.
Psy vs. Psy
Lassiter: Is that a recording device? Government issue?
Agent Ewing: Asking me if that is a recording device is like asking me if this is a pen.
Lassiter: Is that a pen?
Agent Ewing: That’s classified.
Lassiter: Those familiar with this sort of thing know that it’s the classic grift. See, essentially he traded forty-seven g’s of worthless paper for twenty-six in cold hard cash. I’ve seen it before.
Shawn: Where? In a Mamet play?
Lassiter: Woah! Touchy. I don’t know how you do it in Washington, but here? You don’t disturb the body until Forensics has a chance to come in, collect some evidence.
Chief Vick: Lassiter, ease up. We’re lucky if our psychic doesn’t lick the body.
Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds
Lassiter: Unlike everyone else around here, I’m not fooled by the fact that you wear [?] clothes, mastered rudimentary level of communication and somehow manage to feed yourselves. I see you for what you are: children. So do me a favor and let the grown-ups do their work.
Shawn: I got a boo boo.
Lassiter: I’ve got less patience for you today than normal. See, I received an invitation to give a presentation at the 21 LES. {blank stares} Twenty-first century law enforcement seminar.
Shawn: Oh… yes. We know that better as 21 Saint Cent Less.
Gus: I like to call it 21 Cent Law Enfo Semi.
Lassiter: Go ahead. Make jokes.
Shawn: I think we just did.
Lassiter: You guys are so funny. Oh guess what? I just got a new car. Yours.
Gus in the backseat of his car: Maybe we had a little too much fun with him.
Shawn: Maybe. {to Lassiter} I have to pee.
Lassiter: If a word of this little incident gets out at the station, I will start making things very difficult for you down there.
Shawn: You’re saying you haven’t even been trying? All this time?
Lassiter: Goodbye.
Lassiter: You’re right. Helvetica is a much better font.
Juliet: I know! See how the “m” in double-murder suicide just jumps off the page!
And Down the Stretch Comes Murder
Lassiter: Apparently the guy took everything in sight. He was four-foot-nine and three feet of that were drugs.
Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder
Shawn: Shelia E tomato bark! Velvety shark toast! Shark toast!
Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that?
Lassiter: This whack job is in violation of at least six different municipal codes and she smells like curly fries. I say we cut her loose, take her down. Where’s the restaurant manager?
Shawn: Probably inside managing the restaurant.
Lassiter: Copy that.
If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?
Juliet: Today is our anniversary.
Lassiter: Come again?
Juliet: It’s been one year to the day that I came to Santa Barbara and we got partnered up.
Lassiter: Hm. I didn’t get you a present.
Juliet: I think I’m entitled to be primary on a case.
Lassiter: How late are the shops open tonight?
Lassiter: Lesson number two: cops don’t wait in line, they head straight to the front. Even at Starbuck’s.
Lassiter: What do you say?
Juliet: Hm? Oh. Right. Stay out of our way and don’t get involved, Spencer!
Lassiter: O’Hara, you are drunk with power.
Juliet: I know! Isn’t it great?
Lassiter: That was what I call lowercase mad. You need to be uppercase mad.
Juliet: Anything else I need to learn?
Lassiter: There’s one last lesson. Forget all the other lessons and know that you’re a good cop.
Rob-a-Bye Baby
Lassiter: Happy baby gift! {he hands her a Club}
Chief Vick: Ah. Thank you?
Juliet about her gift: It’s a mini-rattle. And also a low-calorie breath freshener.
Lassiter: Did anyone ever tell you you look like a puffer fish?
Bounty Hunters!
Lassiter: You listen to me, pal. This is our investigation. And that is my damn coffee!
Lassiter: Just so you understand. {demonstrating} Cops are here. Bounty hunters are here. Psychics are here. {they check the hand chart}
Gus: We beat bounty hunters!
Lassiter: By a knuckle.
Shawn: Where are orthodontists on this scale?
Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy
Lassiter: I hate snow globes.
Shawn: That’s strange. My psychic senses told me specifically that snow globes didn’t give you nightmares about being trapped in a clear ball with snow that burns your skin off.
Lassiter: Alright! Who keeps telling people I want snow globes for Christmas?
Lassiter: You know, Drake, technically Jesus was born around April. So you need to get rid of this winter foliage. Oh, and Finn. The word manger actually refers to the wooden feeding trough that the animals used. So let’s put baby Jesus in this little shot glass. Perfect!
Lassiter: You know interestingly enough, the Dutch version of Santa used slaves to deliver toys.
There’s Something About Mira
Lassiter: Chief, did someone score higher than me on the detective’s exam?
Chief Vick: I believe O’Hara did.
The Old and the Restless
Lights, Camera… Homicidio
Lassiter: Spencer, thank god you’re here! Now go home. We don’t need you. O’Hara jumped the gun . It seems pretty much open and shut.
Shawn: Ah, Jules. If you want to spend time with me you don’t have to trump up some case. You just pick up the phone, give me a call, say, “Shawn, I’m here. I’ve got pudding pops.”
Juliet: I’ll keep that in mind.
Juliet: It’s about time. We could use some new blood.
Lassiter: I hate new blood.
Lassiter: Who writes this crap?
Anita: The writers are all so colorful and brilliant. They’re wonderful with the brutal crimes. They are all some kind of geniuses, I swear.
Lassiter: Some kind of murder geniuses, maybe.
Dis-Lodged
Irving Parker (Phillip Baker Hall): You know Carlton, it may be the rage talking, but if I had it to do over again, the day my Torrie came home with you, I would have told her to go right back out that door and come back alone. That’s what I should have done—
Lassiter: Alright, Irving, that’s enough.
Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion
Lassiter: Why am I suprised?
Shawn: Usually it’s because—
Lassiter: Just tell me if you’ve seen anything.
Lassiter: You don’t remember where you were this afternoon?
Hassenfeffer: It was yellow. And boring.
Juliet: I am a woman, Chief, and I am choosing to dress like one.
Lassiter: You can’t do that.
Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead
Lassiter: It’s a prank. Or some sort of dare.
Sophie Morris Bridgewell: It’s a three-thousand-year-old mummy that’s missing, Officer.
Lassiter: It’s Detective. And it’s not like it was covered in gold. I mean he wasn’t a king or a prince or even a royal food taster. He’s just some guy, who happened to die, got himself wrapped up and was found in a pretty, cracked box. He probably mummified himself.
Sophie: We have a complex security system.
Lassiter: Which was due to be overhauled last spring.
Sophie: We pushed it back. We have a very abulic board of directors.
Lassiter: Good. I’d like to speak with each one of them as soon as the sun rises. Now if you’ll forgive us we have several high-profile cases that don’t involve archaic security systems and run-down buildings. O’Hara, put out an APB on the guard’s vehicle, look up the word abulic and meet us back at the station.
Shawn: That mummy was not stolen, Miss Bridgewell.
Lassiter: Great.
Shawn: I’m afraid it walked out— {dramatic pause} all on its own.
Chief Vick: Effective Friday I am stepping down as chief.
Juliet: What?
Chief Vick: I’m leaving.
Juliet: You can’t do that! Do they know?
Chief Vick: Oh, they know.
Juliet: I will write a letter. I will start a petition. I will leak it to the reporter at the Mirror.
Chief Vick: O’Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.
Shawn: Chief, are you sure you don’t want to wait it out just a bit—
Chief Vick: No. Mr. Spencer.
Lassiter: So you’re saying the job is open? {Juliet smacks him}
Lassiter: I just need to go over a few bank records, see some papers and exhume your father’s body.
Mr. Wyles: What was that last one?
Lassiter: Ah, it’s just more of a technical detail than anything, exhuming your father’s body. I mean you wouldn’t even have to be there. I can have him back in eternal slumber by noon. {pause} 1:45 at the latest.
Wyles: What am I doing here?
Lassiter: You’ll find out soon enough and whatever it is I’m taking full credit.