Ghosts
1995
Teen Shawn (James Roday): I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask for that World’s Greatest Dad mug back.
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): Oh just keep talking, Shawn.
Teen Shawn: You keep talking.
Henry: Oh don’t worry, I will. Like when I read you your rights.
Teen Shawn: Oo. I have rights. That’ll be new and fun.
Henry: What am I going to tell your mother?
Teen Shawn: I don’t know. You think you can get a hold of her new phone number?
Henry: I hope it was worth it, smartass. This officially ends your chance of being a cop.
Teen Shawn: Let’s be honest. I gave up wanting to be like you a long time ago.
Henry: That’s it! Somebody, book him. You! Beanpole. Get over here, fingerprint him now.
Young Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Me?
Henry: Never mind, rookie. I’ll do it myself.
Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?
Henry: There’s so much crap. What is all this stuff?
Madeleine: It’s your life.
Henry: This is not my life.
Madeleine: Well it’s stuff from your life anyway. I boxed it all up because I figured one day you’d want to look at it again when you’re old and crotchety.
Henry: Yeah, well I just want to dump it all.
Madeleine: Which in your case would be today.
Henry: I think I’m going to take a look around. You wanna join me?
Madeleine: That depends. Do you have a hall pass?
Henry: Are you kidding? I used to own these halls.
Shawn: Good talk, Dad. I gotta run. {he pauses} Actually, there is one more thing. Do you think I could borrow your underpants? Just for like ten minutes?
Henry: No.
Shawn: Oh come on! We’re already in the car! These are, these are iconic film references I’m making tonight!
Madeleine: Oh Henry, we must have done something right.
Henry: That was all you.
Daredevils!
1987
Henry: Listen to me, you think your fans came out here to see you jump?
Young Shawn: Yeah.
Henry: They came out here to see you crack your head open. Which basically makes you no different than the kid in class who can shoot milk out of his eye.
Young Shawn: You think I can be as popular as him?
The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
Monday, 8:15 PM
Henry: Don’t say a word.
Shawn after some thought: Vergulous.
Henry: Shawn, I said no words.
Shawn: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it’s not a word and now suddenly it is a word because it’s convenient for you.
Henry: I’ve been on the other side of this table a thousand times. You tell them only what they need to know.
Shawn: What do we say about Uncle Jack?
Henry: He’s not here, is he Shawn? Why don’t we take care of ourselves? We didn’t do anything wrong, we didn’t break any laws.
Shawn: Oh no.
Henry: Oh no what? What did you do, Shawn?
Shawn: Nothing! It’s just that the laws keep changing. It’s getting very challenging to keep up. Did you know for instance that it is now illegal to give a perm to a possum?
Henry: Shawn, did you or did you not break any laws?
Gus: We impersonated priests.
Shawn: We were professors!
Gus: We were priests, Shawn.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, now by my estimation you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am going to ask you this once: where’s the gold?
Henry: It’s not quite as simple as that.
Shawn: Right. If we were to really answer that question we’d have to go back quite awhile.
Chief Vick: How long?
Shawn: About twenty years.
About Twenty Years Ago
Henry: What were you thinking?
Young Shawn: I don’t know. I just it would be cooler if Uncle Jack spoke.
Henry: Look class, I’m sorry to break this to you, but he’s not a real treasure hunter. And this is not real gold.
Jack (Steven Weber): Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate!
Sunday, 10:20 PM
Shawn: You keep a stun gun in the bird house? What’s under the garden gnome, an M-80? {Henry signals them} You want me to poke you in the eyes on the roof?
Jack: I guess you are wondering why I came back. {dramatic pause} I want you to help me find Bouchard’s treasure.
Henry: Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard’s treasure does not, has not and will not ever exist. It’s a pipe dream.
Shawn: Don’t listen to him, Uncle Jack. He’s a dream killer.
Jack: I understand his frustration. All those years listening to me drone on about the treasure thing, and not even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, {produces a map} where’d I get this?
Shawn: Dad, he’s not a suspect.
Henry: Oh ho ho. Hes suspect all right.
Chief Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Shawn and Henry: Yes.
Chief Vick: Oh, I meant the older— Sorry. Not old. Less—
Shawn: Handsome. Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose.
Shawn: Oow!
Henry: What are we doing up here, Shawn?
Shawn: I’m not sure yet. That’s part of the fun.
Henry: We used to roust punks from drinking in there all the time.
Shawn: “Roust punks”? Thank you, Jack Lord.
Henry: I still can’t believe that he got away with the gold! You gotta think that some day allthis stuff is going to catch up with him though.
Shawn: Yeah. And that day might just be today. {he lays down some gold}.
Henry: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Oh yeah. He’s got the rest of it. Don’t worry, we’re donating it to the museum.
Henry: All of it?
Shawn: Ish.
Disco Didn’t Die. It Was Murdered!
1978
Henry: Listen, Franks. You have the right now to get shot. Make the wrong move, you lose that right. Put down the bomb.
Present Day
Shawn: How did you get in here?
Henry: The unlatched window, the unlocked back door, maybe this key that I made. You choose one.
Shawn: There is no way that I am showing you what’s in this folder.
Henry: You’re lucky I’m even asking you, Shawn. I could do this the simple way. I could grab it from you, clean up any evidence of a struggle before you or your little friend here knew what hit you.
Shawn: I think in some states that’s called child abuse.
Gus: I think all of them.
Henry: You know what? You go ahead and handle this half-assed like you do everything else. But you bear this in mind: this case is important to a lot of people who could have died if he had blown up our headquarters. And it should be important to their family members too.
Shawn: Do you have any idea how dangerous this is?
Henry: Why? I’m a tax-paying, voting citizen, therefore I have the right to speak to any elected official—such as the D.A.—I please.
Shawn: You don’t have to be a tax-paying voting citizen though, do you?
Assistant: May I help you?
Shawn: Yes. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the head psychic for the Santa Barbara police department. And that is my partner—
Henry: Yeah yeah. That’s his partner Methuselah Honeysuckle. Which makes me Old Scratch Johnson.
Gus: I feel ridiculous.
Henry: Speak for yourself. I’ve got this shirt at home. His mother used to love it.
Gus: Yeah, like thirty years ago.
Henry: Are you kidding, I wore it to lunch last week.
Gus: Nice going, Shawn. That was all our money.
Henry: That’s what happens when you send in the one guy who’s never bought a car before.
Pookie (Ted Lange): Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?
Shawn: Well, Mr. Pookie. {Gus giggles} As you may have heard, a judge recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks case.
Pookie: Maybe I heard, maybe I didn’t.
Shawn: Right. Well we’re looking for information on a few people that might used to run with old Eugene.
Pookie: Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Henry: Alright alright. I know how this works. Gus, get the other sock. Give him some money.
Henry: He had partners. My biggest bust and I was wrong.
Talk Derby to Me
1987
Henry: Something’s missing. I took something of yours, you need to figure out what it is.
Young Shawn: Dad, you robbed me?
Henry: No, robbery’s the taking of property by force or fear. I’m not afraid of anyone in this room.
Young Gus: So you’re a burglar then.
Henry: No, Gus, burglarly involves breaking in. This is theft, pure and simple. You need to figure out what it is or you’re not getting it back.
Young Shawn: You thief! You stole my beebee gun!
Henry: Technically yes. Theft makes me a thief, so yes. You’re learning.
Young Shawn: So can I have it back now?
Henry: No. I told you not to play with it in the yard. It’s too dangerous.
Young Shawn: But you said if I figured out what’s missing—
Henry: Shawn. Thieves always lie. Remember that.
Gus Walks Into a Bank
Shawn: Lassie, Jules. What are you doing here?
Lassiter: What are you doing here?
Juliet: Shawn, we have a situation. Somebody held up the bank and we think he’s taken hostages. {Shawn makes a break for the door but Lassiter stops him}
Lassiter: Woah. Take it easy.
Shawn: Gus is in there.
Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.
Shawn: Don’t worry. It’s fine, Jules. Dare I say dandy. Isn’t that a word from his generation?
Juliet: Shawn!
Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?
Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.
Gus: I’ve had a lot of time to think in here, Shawn. And I’ve realized some things about life.
Shawn: It’s been two hours.
Gus: Yes. But two hours hostage time. Things happen fast in here, Shawn.
Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?
Lassiter: Look, I am breaking about fifty codes of police procedure just by talking to you about this.
Shawn: Code! That is your biggest problem!
Lassiter: Oh it’s my problem?
Shawn: Just once, can you grab life by the little Lassiters and follow your instincts? I know you don’t like my methods. I know you don’t like me. But we are pressed for time. And I’m telling you, I am vibing like crazy! Can we screw protocol and get the hell out of here?
Lassiter: You take shutgun.
Shawn: You’re so sexy right now!
Shawn: Look at you, man. Surviving a bank hostage crisis and still looking all Poitier on a hot day.
Gus: What.
Shawn: Go ahead. Slap me in the face, tell me to call you Mr. Tibbs.
Gus: I’m not doing that!
Christmas Joy
1988
Present Day
Six Feet Under the Sea
1987
Young Shawn: You’re not sick.
Henry: And you’re not very thorough.
Young Shawn: How did you know?
Henry: Oh, maybe it’s the snorkel hanging out of your backpack. What kind of undercover operation are you running here, kid?
Present Day
Henry: Shawn, focus! Do not become complacent just because it’s water.
Shawn: Dad, we’re still on the dock.
Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing
1987
Henry: Turn around. {he places a blindfold over Shawn’s eyes}
Young Shawn: Oo. Did you get me a pinata?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Pepsi Challenge?
Henry: Nope.
Young Shawn: Am I being executed?
Present Day
Shawn: Dad, I think this was an inside job.
Henry: You stop right there, Shawn. You do not throw accusations like that around. Do you understand?
Shawn: Well think about it. Kenny Loggins saw the shooter but was too afraid to ID him. Now who would he fear most?
Henry: Kenny Loggins was in the next cell? Was Jim Messina in there with him?
Shawn: Who’s Jim Messina?
Gus: A different Kenny Loggins.
Earth, Wind and… Wait for It
1987
Young Shawn: You’ll never believe it. I know what I’m going to be when I grow up. A fireman!
Henry: I never would have guessed. What exactly brought this on?
Young Shawn: Fireman Paul. He came to our school. He is so totally rad.
Henry: Fireman Paul? Did he happen to be sober?
Henry: You do not want to be a fireman.
Young Shawn: What? Why not?
Henry: Because you want to be a cop. What do you think I’ve been teaching you all these years?
Young Shawn: But being a fireman is the coolest!
Henry: Being a fireman is not cooler than being a cop.
Young Shawn: But they have cooler uniforms, cooler trucks and cooler sirens. They even get to carry axes.
Henry: Axes! I get to carry a gun. A real gun with real bullets. I get to shoot bad guys. I’m like Dirty Harry. Can you even name a famous fireman?
Young Shawn: Smokey the Bear?
Henry: First of all, Smokey the Bear is not a fireman. Number two, he’s not real. Number three, he’s a bear! He takes his poops in the woods. Is that what you want?
Present Day
Henry: I warned you, Shawn. Firefighters are trouble. I did everything in my power to keep you off the role.
Shawn: And you succeeded, Dad. In every conceivable way.
Henry: Gus, your parents lied to you. We do it sometimes to protect our kids. Your bird bit the big one. Sorry, pal.
Shawn: Yeah. Not all pets can live on a special wheat farm like my rabbit.
Henry: That’s right son.
Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central
1987
Young Shawn: I’ve gotta get his autograph. He’s so cool.
Henry: Relax. Remember. He’s a person. Just like me.
Young Shawn: Oh no. He’s way better than you.
Present Day
Truer Lies
1987
Henry: Shawn. What are you doing home from school?
Young Shawn: Uh. Ah… well… at the assembly today there was a guy and he hypnotized some students. And one of them thought he was a kangaroo. And he punched the guy. And he passed out before he could put the kids back to normal. But luckily, Mr. Detner, an ex-Navy SEAL, put everyone back before six kids had to go to the hospital.
Henry: Let me see the suspension note from your teacher.
Young Shawn: How did you know?
Henry: I’ve got a nickname at work. It’s the Human Lie Detector. I spend my day analyzing lies and the people who tell them. Rule number one. Every lie is built on a kernel of truth. Take your little fib for instance. If I was to put money on it I’d say the only true thing that you just said is that Mr. Detner is ex-Navy SEAL.
Young Shawn: You’re right. That’s amazing.
Henry: Not really. The relative specificity of that statement compared to the others made it obvious.
Henry: Look, Shawn. If you continue to lie like this nobody’s going to believe you when it counts. That could put your life on the line.
Young Shawn: Like maybe when I might be a cop?
Henry: No. Like now.
Present Day
Henry: Alright Shawn. Why are you working so hard on this one?
Shawn: I work hard on all my cases.
Henry: I know you do. You work hard, you have fun, you show off. I’m not an idiot. I know this guy’s got a screw loose. He’s lying out of his ass. What I dont understand is why you’re taking this one so seriously.
Shawn: I think it’s because nobody, including the police, believe him.
Henry: I know what’s going on. here.
Shawn: Oh really?
Henry: Yes I do. Shawn listen to me. You are not Ryan. Yeah you stretch the truth a little bit sometimes. At least you know where the line is.
Shawn: Of course I know where the line is.
Henry: But only because of two things. One, you always had somebody around who knew when you were lying and bothered to call you on it.
Shawn: What’s the second thing?
Henry: Well I’d like to say that you always had enough natural talent to fall back on. {Shawn smiles} But I’d be lying.
Henry: Listen to me, kid. If you ever drag my ass down here again to do Guster’s job I’m going to hit you up with a consultant’s fee.
Tuesday the 17th
1988
Henry: Hey. How about a big hello for your old man you haven’t seen in a week.
Shawn: Hi, Old Man. Can we go now?
Henry: You two didn’t team up for the pinata contest this year, did you?
Shawn: No. He ditched me for golden boy Jason Cunningham who wins ever year. And I got stuck with the kid who wore the jacket the entire week. {to the kid} It’s a million degrees out. Why don’t you go live on Hoth, you freak!
An Evening with Mr. Yang
1988
Present Day