American Duos
Present Day
Henry: He’s not staying here! He violated basic robe code!
Shawn: Robe code violation. Check.
65 Million Years Off
1987
Present Day
Henry: Shawn!
Shawn: Dad, what are you doing here?
Henry: I was worried. About my tools.
Henry: You still haven’t answered the question why he dug all the holes around the house, Shawn.
Shawn: Dad! That’s the finale. That’s why I don’t invite you to these things.
Psy vs. Psy
1987
Mr. Petlic: I’d be hard pressed to believe that a child of Shawn’s age could be capable of such detailed forgery.
Henry: Well you don’t know my son. No offense, but you are the vice principal of a middle school, not a handwriting expert. That testimony’s not going to hold up in court.
Mr. Petlic: Look, we’re not talking court. … Are we? You know, because if we were, you should know that I did take a handwriting personality course at the learning annex last summer. And I can tell by the way you turn your n-humps that you have a very open and child-like kindness about you. {Shawn snickers} I could be off on that.
Present Day
Henry: What the hell are you doing up there?
Shawn: What does it look like I’m doing? We’re making a case. A federal one.
Henry: Oh. Oh of course you are. Well when you finish wrapping things up for the Pentagon, I want you at my house.
Shawn: Dad, I’m confused. These are plans for a wet bar.
Henry: That’s right. For entertaining.
Shawn: But I don’t see anywhere in the plans the portal into 1976.
Henry: Shawn, a wet bar happens to be a timeless home feature.
Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds
1987
Henry: I’m sorry, son. But he just outpedaled you. You understand?
Young Shawn: I think so. {Gus rings his bell}. I got it! I had the wrong song playing that time. Best two out of three.
Present Day
Henry: Sometimes a case is just a case.
Henry: Shawn don’t you dare learn a long lesson while I’m trying to teach you a right lesson! Shawn! Stop, stop trying to figure it out! Stop jumping!
Shawn: I can’t help it! It all makes sense!
Gus: Is it a tight knot under the shoulder blade?
Henry: Yeah. How’d you know?
And Down the Stretch Comes Murder
1987
Present Day
Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder
1987
Henry: Is that a hint of cinnamon I’m tasting?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah, just a little.
Henry: And I’m detecting just atouch of cilantro and… thyme. Am I right?
Young Shawn: Woah, Dad! You’re really sharp.
Henry: Yeah, I am. Gus? Wanna come out of the pantry?
Henry: Shawn, what have I told you a thousand times before?
Young Shawn: Don’t hide Gus in the pantry?
Henry: No! A lie always leads to more lies.
Present Day
If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?
1987
Henry: I’m still waiting, Shawn.
Young Shawn: Okay. I’m going to take your pointy sad-faced guy for my horsey—
Henry: Stop. Stop. What is this piece called?
Young Shawn: I call him Dwight.
Henry: What is this one called?
Young Shawn: B.A. Baracus.
Present Day
Rob-a-Bye Baby
1987
Henry: So then this guy with pliers comes in. Probably with safety goggles, maybe some sort of fire retardant coverall. He starts doing his thing. Twisting and turning. There’s all sorts of fluids just spraying all over the place. Then this hydraulic lift comes into play, wheeling everything out of there. And there you have it. Alright? Henry: Let’s clean up.
Shawn: Wait. That’s how babies are born?
Henry: Yes.
Shawn: With a hydraulic lift?
Henry: More or less, yeah.
Shawn: But how are they made?
Henry: Look Shawn, more important question. How many hats are in the room?
Present Day
Henry: It’s time to ‘fess up. What is really going on here?
Shawn: Alright, fine. There’s been a string of robberies in the Heights and I need to get a closer look at one of the houses that got robbed.
Henry: Why didn’t you just say so?
Shawn: Because it’s more fun to say kinkajou
Henry: That’s a stupid house to rob.
Shawn: Does anyone live up to your standards? Maybe we could get a hold of the burglar’s number and we can call, tell him how disappointed you are.
Henry: That house was chosen for a reason.
Shawn: “There can only be one.”
Henry: What?
Shawn: What? I thought we were doing lines from Highlander. My bad.
Henry: Let’s get out of here.
Shawn: Wait! That sensation you’re feeling. That is the Quickening
Henry: Everyone can do Connery. Your Lambert sucks.
Shawn: At least I have a Lambert.
Bounty Hunters!
1987
Young Shawn: Sorry, Dad, we were just checking out that super cop.
Henry: Shawn, that is not a super cop. That guy is a bounty hunter.
Young Shawn: What’s that, a cop with a cooler name?
Henry: He’s not cool, Shawn. He’s a nuisance. He’s a privately-hired half-criminal operating outside of the law.
Present Day
Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy
Shawn: Speaking of smoked turkey, you know why Gus isn’t a smoker? Because when we were kids I made him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and he discovered he hated the taste. Pretty good influence, if I do say so myself.
Winnie Guster (Phylicia Rashad): Probably what gave him asthma.
Bill Guster (Ernie Hudson): Probably what stunted his growth too.
Gus: I’m five ten and a half.
Mr. Guster: We hear you, son. We hear you.
Henry: Gus, you’re tall enough. Shawn, you’re an idiot. To be fair there’s lots of complicated causes for asthma.
Shawn: My god. We went almost three hours without having an argument.
Henry: Hm. It’s our best holiday in years, huh?
There’s Something About Mira
1987
Henry: Come on, boys. Sit up. Napkins in laps. Now listen, we don’t get to go out very often. So I want you to order something special. Harbor Grill is one of the nicest restaurants in Santa Barbara.
Young Gus: I’m gonna have nachos!
The Old and the Restless
1987
Grandpa Spencer: Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
Henry: Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me, alright?
Present Day
Henry: And what impenetrable stronghold did this missing person disappear from? {Shawn mumbles} Say again?
Shawn: Glorious Pines.
Henry: The old age home?
Shawn: It’s a retirement community.
Henry: My son, the super sleuth, can’t even get himself access to an old folks home.
Lights, Camera… Homicidio
1987
Young Shawn: Dad. What are you watching?
Henry: Oh, nothing, Shawn. It’s your mom’s stupid soap opera. She left it on, I was watching it while I was taking a nap, actually.
Young Shawn: Do you sleep with your eyes wide open?
Henry: Okay, Shawn. Yes, maybe I was half-watching it. Not because I like it but because it’s educational. Pay close attention you might learn a little something too.
Young Shawn: That Logan is probably cheating on Skye?
Henry: No, Shawn. I’m talking about sharpening your skills.
Present Day
Henry: Acting is not a real job, Shawn. I mean how much attention do you need?
Henry: Did you ever think that maybe this is embarrassing for me?
Shawn: Embarrassing for you?
Henry: First off, your accent is terrible. It’s disgraceful, really. You sound like that El Pollo Loco guy. And then there you go, turning your back on Reynaldo. Even after he defended you when you were accused of Gloria’s kidnapping. Come on!
Shawn: First of all, I am trying to sound like the El Pollo Loco guy.
Henry: Don’t be an idiot. I’m not one of your fans. I barely even like you.
Dis-Lodged
1987
Young Gus: We’re starting a secet club.
Henry: The Burn Down the House Club?
Young Gus: The Gus and Shawn Club.
Young Shawn: It’s actually the Shawn and Gus Club.
Henry: You know, a club needs regulations, bylaws. You guys got any rules?
Young Gus: Yes. No girls.
Young Shawn: Everybody has to be under twelve. No old guys.
Young Gus: And they have to have a love of correct grammar.
Young Shawn: That’s not a rule!
Young Gus: You said we could have one special rule. That’s mine.
Young Shawn: And that’s the best rule you could think of?
Young Gus: I think you mean, “that’s the best rule of which you could think.”
Young Shawn: I’m not being in a club with this.
Young Gus: Fine! I don’t need you and your misplaced prepositions!
Present Day
Henry: You drive me a little crazy, Shawn. The idea of spending an entire weekend with you—
Shawn: I drive you crazy?
Henry: And your cat? Got a little too familar with the arm rest of my sofa. There.
Henry: This is not the time for your shenanigans.
Shawn: It was a single shenanigan. Technically more of a hijink. Pet killer.
Henry: I am not a pet killer, Shawn. Chairman Meow is living very happily at a retirement home in Ojai.
Shawn: We grabbed them on our way out of the Lodge.
Henry: Way out?
Shawn: Yeah, Gus and I decided we didn’t want to belong to a club that would have Lassiter as a member.
Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion
1987
Henry: Shawn. Where’s that nice new sweater vest your mom just put on you for picture day?
Young Shawn: Oh yeah… that. It wasn’t working for us. We chose the Knight Rider shirt instead. Mom loves Kitt.
Henry: You know how a cop distinguishes when somebody’s lying?
Young Shawn: When it sounds like that?
Henry: Go upstairs, put the vest back on.
Present Day
Henry: She’s… what would you call her, non-descript?
Shawn: Non-descript? I’ve never heard a woman described that way unless she was a robbery suspect.
Henry: Should I take her to Crabshack Willie’s or the Third Wharf?
Shawn: Those can’t possibly be real places.
Henry: The fish and chips is actually pretty good.
Susan (Amanda Pays): I’ve been craving meat lately.
Henry: In that case the prime rib is actually pretty good.
Susan pulling out a six-pack: BYOB. Help yourself.
Susan: Would you like me to butter your biscuit?
Henry: Excuse me?
Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead
1987
Henry: People do not become bloodthirsty monsters after they got shot. In fact I ‘ve had a lot of experience in the field with puncture wounds and there’s no way a giant dart to the lungs creates a six-inch hole visible on the other side.
Young Shawn: Really?
Henry: No way! I mean maybe the blood-engorged cavity will become purple and expand and perhaps even explode. I’ve seen that. {Shawn looks less-than-reassured}
Present Day
Henry awkwardly: I got a, uh, I got a phone call a couple days ago, and… I don’t know if you have any plans, but… Are you busy on Saturday?
Shawn: You want me to come with you to awkward class?
Henry: Forget it.
Shawn: Okay, I don’t know if you just read The Secret or watched an emotional Oprah, or what. But I don’t think we’re ready to open our souls to each other.
Henry: Well we have no choice, kid.
Shawn: We do. And it’s good. Because what we have is simple and shallow and unobtrusive. So let’s have this conversation when you’re ninety and maybe on an oxygen tank. Because I have a date with a woman who runs a museum. And that’s new for me. {he goes to leave}
Henry: No, Shawn, please, no!
Shawn: It just feels good. You know what, I’ll grab the door for you on my way out. {he opens the door to} Mom.