Shawn Rescues Darth Vader
Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Name.
Juliet “Jules” O’Hara (Maggie Lawson): Juliet. {Lassiter eyes her} O’Hara.
Lassiter: Hm. No sign of deception. Truth.
Juliet: See? It’s working fine. Let’s go.
Lassiter: One more question, one more question. Are you… what’s a good question… I don’t know. Are you currently dating anyone? Answer any time you like. Hm. I see you’re experiencing some stress.
Juliet: I don’t see what this has to do with anything.
Lassiter: Just a control question. You and I both know you’re not dating anyone, right? So simple answer truthfully and we’ll know the machine is working properly. Like you say it is. Unless of course you are dating somebody and you don’t want to tell anybody.
Juliet: What are you getting at?
Lassiter: Nothing. I’m simply testing a potentially defective piece of machinery, and since partners don’t lie or keep secrets from each other because we put our lives in each other’s hands, I’m asking a question I believe I know the answer to: are you currently or have you ever been in a relationship with anyone at the station.
Juliet: Well see that’s a different question.
Lassiter: Answer either one. I’m flexible.
Juliet: Well?
Lassiter: Well what?
Juliet: Well don’t you think you owe me an apology?
Lassiter: You know what? You’re right? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for expecting a little bit of honesty out of you.
Juliet: Ugh. We’re still on that?
Lassiter: Still on what?
Shawn: Hey guys, what’s going on?
Juliet: Okay, fine. I am seeing Shawn. We have been dating for awhile. We kept it from you. Does that make you happy?
Lassiter: Happy’s not the word. I think we need to see the chief.
Juliet: Oh, okay, so now you want to tell on us?
Lassiter: Actually, O’Hara, I think we need to see the chief about getting me a new partner. One I can trust.
Shawn: Look, I’m strongly sensing it’s not her.
Juliet: Her DNA was all over the body.
Lassiter: And she immediately invoked immunity.
Shawn: You’d use it if you could get it. It’s more addictive than little crack nuggets.
Gus: And House Hunters International.
View all quotes from Shawn rescues Darth Vader
Last Night Gus
Present Day
Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I’m gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You’re leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don’t even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.’s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter’s still here.
Juliet: Lassiter’s sleeping.
Lassiter: Plus I’ve got Shawn and Gus to help me.
Juliet: I’m sorry. You’re requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on? And please take those sunglasses off.
Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!
Juliet: Shawn I didn’t get any sleep last night. Aren’t you going to say anything about the phone call you made to me? It’s kind of a huge deal.
Shawn: Phone call… Yes. Of course. Obviously. It is huge, isn’t it?
Juliet: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Why… wouldn’t he? Something of this magnitude.
Juliet: You asked me to move in with you.
Shawn: Lassiter killed Williams.
Juliet: Lassiter killed Williams?
Shawn: Move in? We’ve only been together for like four months.
Juliet: Again: Lassiter killed this man?
Shawn: I don’t think he did. Not anymore.
Juliet: So if you technically don’t remember asking me, do you still want to move in?
Shawn: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Of course. Why else would I be shrink-wrapping all my old sweaters to make room in the closet for yours?
Juliet: I just think you like to shrink-wrap things.
Shawn: That’s true.
Juliet: Look. I don’t want the future us to be dictated by something that Last Night Shawn said. So if you can look me in the eye and tell me that Today Shawn definitely wants to move in… That’s what I thought.
Shawn: No, I was about to say yes.
Juliet: No, you weren’t.
Shawn: I was. I was just going to use an accent and I was waffling between Scottish and Gaelic. And the differences are very subtle.
Juliet: It’s fine. The fact that any version of Shawn wanted to move in is…
Shawn: Minty?
Juliet: I was going to say romantic.
Shawn: Really? So you’re not terribly disappointed in me?
Juliet: Look, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to happen right now, today. Does that make sense?
Shawn: I understand. You’re an incredible slob. A hoarder, right? You just live amidst stacks and stacks of periodicals and… taxidermy? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?
View all quotes from Last Night Gus
This Episode Sucks
Shawn: Listen, Jules. Just don’t beat yourself up. You can’t possibly be expected to control whether or not Gus and I surreptitiously follow you after you get a call during breakfast.
Juliet: But I specifically told you not to follow.
Shawn to Gus: She said farrow.
Juliet: Farrow is not a word. I said follow. {to Gus} He knows I said follow.
Gus: I wasn’t there, but farrow is most definitely a word. It means to birth a calf or a litter of pigs.
Juliet: Okay, fine. Why would I ask Shawn not to birth a calf or a litter of pigs?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: What we’re up against here is no mere mortal. I’m afraid this very well may be the work {dramatic pause} of a vampire.
Gus: Sookie is mine!
Juliet ignoring them: What are you thinking, partner?
Lassiter: Actually I’m going to have to go with Spencer on this one.
Gus: Woody, in your professional opinion, is it possible that this person was the victim of a vampire attack?
Juliet: Don’t dignify that with a response.
Woody: I wasn’t planning on it.
Shawn: Is it possible?
Woody: Most likely, yes.
Juliet: Woody!
Woody: It’s a given, really.
Shawn: Look around. You’re the fish out of water here.
Juliet: Because they’re all pretending to be dead, Shawn.
Shawn: Or perhaps it is us who pretend to be alive.
Juliet: Carlton, what exactly is going on here?
Lassiter: I suppose I do owe you an explanation, partner. I owe you two nothing and you look like a couple of asshats in those ridiculous costumes.
Shawn: I’m dangerous. In a sexy way.
Marlowe: More like a gay way.
Gus: Well I’m straight-up iconic.
Marlowe: I wouldn’t call Count Chocula an icon.
Juliet: Marlowe, we’re going to need to talk to each of your roommates and find out which one made that call.
Marlowe: Ah, yeah, I understand. It’s Eddie, Jake and Lucien.
All: Where’s Lucien?
Juliet: Wow. You guys are actually devolving. Get back over here. Now!
Shawn: Edward has entered the building.
Juliet: What? Where?
Shawn: It’s a classic shifting technique. It was incognito man-to-animal maneuver.
Gus: If that’s correct, it looks like we may be dealing with an Elder or even worse—a diablerie.
Shawn: No!
Gus: Yes!
Juliet: God, I used to be a detective, now i’m a babysitter!
Shawn: That makes you Elizabeth Shue. Gus is Keith Coogan.
Gus: You’re Coogan!
Shawn: You’re Coogan!
Gus: Your momma’s Coogan.
Shawn: Come on, Lassie! Let the Right Ones In, buddy!
Gus: Unless you’re already undead!
Shawn: In which case, would you kindly impale yourself with a wooden stake!
Lassiter: Spencer! Guster, go away!
Juliet: Carlton, open the door!
Lassiter: O’Hara?
Henry: Give us some sort of signal you’re okay. A cough or a thump of some kind!
Lassiter: Henry?
Buzz: Should I call for the battering ram?
Lassiter: McNab!
Juliet: Is he responsive at all?
Shawn: No. Nothing. We even held a plate of bean and cheese nachos in front of his face.
Henry: How much blood was it exactly, Shawn?
Shawn: Just a little stream! It’s not like it was the end of Carrie. Or the beginning of Carrie.
View all quotes from This Episode Sucks
The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2
Shawn: Sounds like you want to give this weirdo some kind of medal.
Juliet: Shawn, often times vigilantes are just good people who want to take back their neighborhood from a bad element.
Shawn: Sure. Charles Bronson. Real charmer. Eastwood in Gran Torino. There’s a guy you wanna hop in the tub with.
Juliet: You have to admit, he’s done a better job than we have of slowing down the Caminos, and he’s just one guy.
Shawn: I’m just one guy. And I’ve solved more crimes than I can count. Because I’ve solved a lot of crimes. Not just because I can’t count very high.
Juliet: I just gave you a set-up containing Mr. T, Crockett and a word that rhymes with Mork. And I got nothing. Not even a Battle of the Network Stars joke.
The Mantis: I also have reason to believe that a huge drug shipment to the Caminos is imminent.
Shawn: Ha! We already know that one. Suck it!
Juliet: Shawn, we’re all professionals.
The Mantis: Oh yeah? You suck it!
Shawn: You suck it! What kind of man takes off another man’s pants in a smokey boiler room? I’m on to all your little tricks, man.
Juliet: He really deserves all the credit.
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say that. Not that it isn’t true,
I just wouldn’t say it.
Shawn: Oh come on. You might like it if you try it.
Lassiter: I would rather spend the rest of my life at Lillith Fair.
Shawn: The Catch can not be stopped! {he runs off}
Juliet: What? Where are you going? Shawn?
Gus: Dagnabit, Shawn.
View all quotes from The Amazing Psych-Man & Tap Man, Issue #2
Dead Man’s Curveball
Juliet: I’m gonna leave before he does something truly embarrassing. {Shawn tosses home base}
Gus: Too late.
View all quotes from Dead Man’s Curveball
Shawn, Interrupted
Shawn: Let me get this straight. Lassie solves a case without any help. And throws a party for himself to celebrate?
Juliet: I am proud of him. And I think that his hard work should be congratulated.
Gus: I’ll eat to that.
Shawn: You’ll eat to anything.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Gus: Does he think the TV can hear him?
Juliet: At this point it’s a strong possibility.
Shawn: Don’t worry, Jules. I have a keen understanding for the inside of mental hospitals.
Juliet: Watching Girl, Interrupted six times doesn’t make you an expert.
Shawn: No, but seven does. Gus and I Netflixed it again last night.
Juliet: They have a pool here?
Shawn: Heated. And a gym with full nautilus. And a music room. And a leather tooling class. Spoiler alert: I’m making you a wallet.
Juliet: Oh my god. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.
Juliet: Where’s Shawn?
Gus: Still at the hospital.
Juliet: Why did you leave him?
Gus: I was fired and immediately escorted off the property.
Juliet: Fired for what?
Gus: Well, after I helped Nurse McElroy calm down Bethel, I ran into Vivian and one thing lead to another and before you know it, we were holding hands. And then somebody ratted us out. I have a feeling it was that weasel Wendell, but I can’t rule out Frank.
Juliet: That was the hospital. Shawn just broke Bethel out.
Lassiter: That’s your boyfriend.
Juliet: I know.
View all quotes from Shawn, Interrupted
In for a Penny…
Florida, 1990
Mrs. O’Hara: Juliet, the party’s almost over. I don’t think Daddy’s coming, sweetie.
Young Juliet: He’s coming. I know it.
Mrs. O’Hara: Okay. But it’s a little rude to stay in here all day. And hey, your clown’s leaving soon.
Young Juliet: He can’t even juggle.
Present Day
Lassiter: Idiots.
Juliet: What he said.
Juliet: Shawn, we talked about this. The subject of my dad is off-limits. Look, he missed most of my birthdays anyway. It’s really complicated and… well, he’s just not really presentable.
Juliet: Do you have any idea how completely inappropriate it is that you went behind my back and invited him here?
Shawn: Yeah, but I only did all of this to show you that you are completely wrong. He’s totally presentable! He’s got a giant house and a yacht.
Juliet: He doesn’t have any of those things.
Shawn: Gus, back me up here.
Gus: He’s rich and awesome and powerful.
Juliet: He’s not rich and he’s not powerful. He’s a con man.
Gus: Um. Since I’m not really involved with this— {he slides away}
Juliet: Oh, you’re not going anywhere, Gus. {he slides back}
Shawn: I know I’m in the doghouse.
Juliet: Or, you’re not in the doghouse.
Shawn: I’m not?
Juliet: No, you’re going to have to work really hard to make it into the doghouse.
Shawn: So I’m in the yard. Which is still an enclosed area. Unless I’m in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound? Where’s Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So they get adopted together like two inseparable wienie dogs.
Juliet: I thought I was clear before. The only people allowed here are the people working the case.
Mr. O’Hara: But Jule, I am working the case.
Juliet: What are you talking about? Shawn, what is he talking about?
Lassiter: This is awkward.
Juliet: It is extremely frustrating to be constantly ignored. In fact, it’s getting a little hurtful, Shawn.
Juliet: You are such a coward.
Mr. O’Hara: There’s no need for that.
Juliet: Actually there’s a long overdue need for it.
Juliet: What really breaks my heart is that you won’t be there for all the moments to come.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t know that, Juliet.
Juliet: Yes I do. Because that’s my choice. And I don’t want you there.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t mean that.
Juliet: Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.
Juliet: Where are the ginormous ponies?
Shawn: You mean horses. Apparently they’re very expensive to rent and they poop a lot.
Juliet: Oh, good call.
View all quotes from In for a Penny…
The Tao of Gus
Juliet: If you need absolutely anything else please don’t hesitate to call.
Nicole (Diora Baird): What’s your number?
Gus: I was going to ask you the same question.
Juliet: Gus, please. This woman may have witnessed a crime.
Gus: A crime in progress. She’s stealing my heart. But I ain’t pressing charges.
Juliet: Wow. I would like to apologize for my creepy colleague.
Nicole: No need. I find his energy soothing.
Gus: Really? Your silhouette should be on a mud flap.
Shawn: That’s the weirdest flirting I’ve ever heard.
Juliet: Don’t go anywhere near this one.
Gus: Why’s that?
Lassiter: Because Janis Joplin over there is crazier than Janice Dickinson.
Juliet: Did you get a good look at the car?
Shawn: Yes, I did. Dark blue sedan. No license plates. Or license plates.
View all quotes from The Tao of Gus
Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat
Juliet: Why are you gazing into each other’s eyes?
Shawn: We’re not… doing that. It’s just a routine forehead check. Reciprocated.
Shawn: Look, Jules, I know you have very definite expectations for this weekend.
Juliet: What do you mean?
Shawn: Well you sent me an email on the fifth saying, “Shawn, I have very definite expectations for this weekend.”
Juliet: Right. To which you responded, “Slumber party. Nudie times. Drinky drinky.”
Shawn: That’s my out of office reply.
Juliet: We’re going to have fun, relax and most importantly, no work. For two whole days I am not a cop and you are not a psychic.
Shawn: Come on, you know I can’t just turn it off like that.
Juliet: Okay. Just… {she does the temple thing} none of this.
Shawn: Why are you inviting strange couples into our vacation?
Juliet: Because that is what adult couples do. They make vacation friends.
Shawn: Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have… whoever your friends are.
Juliet: What’s your damage, Spencer?
Shawn: What is my damage? I’m gone five minutes and all the sudden we’re swingers? What is this, The Ice Storm? Who are those people?
Juliet: They’re just people!
Shawn: That’s the worst kind.
Clive: Baby, you look ravishing this evening.
Shawn: Baby, all your facial parts are in the right spots.
Juliet: Thanks, Shawn.
Juliet: You’re acting like a child, Shawn.
Shawn: I am not acting!
Shawn: You guys lied to us! You made us believe that you really liked us as people!
Juliet: And they killed someone.
Clive: Come again?
Shawn: Oh, that’s true also, but it’s the lying— It’s the lying that’s really hurtful.
Barbie: Well of all the people we’ve robbed, we liked you the best.
Clive: It’s true. She went on and on about it the whole time we were rifling through your stuff.
Shawn: …Jerry loses his Schlitz. That’s a thing, right?
Juliet: Pretty sure that’s malt liquor.
Juliet: You didn’t think that when I said definite expectations that I meant… ?
Shawn: No. No no no. Of course not. That would mean I’m a complete moron.
View all quotes from Neil Simon’s Lover’s Retreat
Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger
Shawn: Well you need to check your facts, Jack. Because we are museum heroes.
Gus: So you’re kind of stuck with us.
Shawn: Don’t check him though. {Gus looks at him} They got your name wrong on the plaque.
Gus: Twice! The first time they called me Bruton Gaster, and then they switched it to Brutal Hustler on the new one.
Shawn: He likes it.
Gus: Well I don’t mind it.
Shawn: He doesn’t want them to change it.
Gus: You can call me Brutal.
Holme: He financed expeditions to the remote corners of the earth, in search of the rarest artifacts.
Juliet: I get it. He’s Howard Hughes and Indiana Jones.
Holme: The terms of his will stipulates that on the fiftieth anniversary of his death—which was last Thursday—his entire collection should be removed from the Louvre and brought to the Santa Barbara Museum of Art.
Lassiter: Where it stayed for exactly one hour until your boyfriend lost it.
Juliet: Lassiter, please. Pretend you’re a person.
View all quotes from Indiana Shawn and the Temple of the Kinda Crappy, Rusty Old Dagger
Heeeeere’s Lassie
Juliet: I’m at the Psych office, I’ll be there in like ten minutes {…} Well I think they’re going to follow me no matter what.
Shawn: Well Jules, my vision has told me that the hanging dude hung himself. So should I just invoice you or is there a cash machine nearby?
Juliet: Hm. That doesn’t really strike me as a billable observation, Shawn.
Juliet: Alright, if you could think of one thing in the world that could make you feel better right now, what would it be?
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say no to a sloppy joe.
View all quotes from Heeeeere’s Lassie
Shawn and the Real Girl
Shawn: I’m doing everything I can to fend Melinda off. But in the end, I think my charms may prove too much for her to resist.
Juliet: You kiss her you die.
Shawn: Duly noted.
View all quotes from Shawn and the Real Girl
Let’s Doo-wop It Again
Juliet: How’s Deacon doing?
Doctor: Well luckily the bullet went straight through and missed hitting any vital organs. But he’s lost a lot of blood. These next two days are going to be crucial.
Shawn: Thank you, Doctor.
Gus: I have no idea how this happened.
Juliet: Wait, didn’t the same thing happen to Tony and Drake last year?
Gus: No! That was Tony and Joon.
Shawn: Gus. What happened? What are all those police cars doing there?
Gus: I can’t look at you, Shawn. I’m too ashamed.
Shawn: Don’t you turn your face away— Don’t you dare go Elephant Man on me.
Gus: Fine! I got Tony and Drake kidnapped, Shawn.
Shawn: What do you mean, like last time?
Juliet: Pretty much.
Lassiter: Let’s hope Spencer’s hunch about Tina pays off.
Gus: Something about it isn’t sitting right with me. Didn’t it seem odd to you guys that Shawn was so sure?
Lassiter: When have Spencer’s hunches not seemed odd?
Juliet: We just thought he felt really strongly about this one.
Gus: No, I know Shawn. The stronger he feels about something the sillier he’ll act. He’ll make an obscure analogy or, if anything, he’ll say he’s two hundred percent sure, knowing good and well that I’ll correct him. Because that’s impossible. But this time he said he was one hundred percent sure. It’s too simple. Plus he would never refer to us as Blackapella.
Juliet: Why did the morphine not affect you?
Shawn: Luckily my dad refused to pay for any kind of pain medication after twenty-four hours. That’s just glucose.
View all quotes from Let’s Doo-wop It Again
Autopsy Turvy
Lassiter: Let’s pay her a visit and make this little piggy squeal.
Juliet: Or we could just ask her some questions.
Lassiter: we could. But it’s never as much fun.
Shawn: Please tell me that you let him down easy. I’m sensing he was very vulnerable.
Penny: I threatened to call the cops.
Gus: But you’re the bologna girl.
Penny: Yeah, but I’m also a single girl in the city.
Juliet: Who invites an entire audience of strangers into her apartment.
View all quotes from Autopsy Turvy
True Grits
Juliet: Okay, I’ll bite. What’s the case?
Gus: Well in order to really appeciate it you have to first hear the back story.
Shawn: Yeah. Once upon a time, a poor country boy in search of a better life brushes off his overalls, hops on a freight and leaves the dusty roads of Georgia behind.
Gus: Shawn, that’s Grapes of Wrath. And it wasn’t a freight and it wasn’t Georgia. Thane wasn’t alive then.
Shawn: He had no formal education. But he did know a hundred uses for the peanut.
Gus: That’s George Washington Carver. Thane has a masters in culinary arts.
Shawn: So he moved to Santa Barbara and bought a horse.
Gus: That’s true.
Shawn: And in no time at all he got a job as a head chef. Then his life took a tragic turn when his restaurant was robbed.
Gus: He was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
Shawn: Got arrested, spent three long years in the Big House.
Gus: Not the clink!
Shawn: For a crime he didn’t commit.
Gus: Why?
Shawn: Faulty eyewitness testimony. Unfair justice system, and—
Juliet: Me.
Shawn: Trying to make this about you. This is our case.
Juliet: You’re talking about Thane Woodsen and that restaurant robbery was my case.
Lassiter: So you two breaking up over this?
Shawn: No!
Juliet: Of course not!
Lassiter: Don’t forget, I used to be involved with someone on the force. It can get very tricky keeping work issues from becoming personal. Now that I’m dating an incarcerated civilian, things are much simpler. Minus the two-inch glass and the leg shackles.
Juliet: I don’t take it personally that Shawn took on Thane’s case. Even though I am fairly certain that he is guilty.
Shawn: And I don’t take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn’t be wronger.
Lassiter: You two are so breaking up over this.
Lassiter: So when things fall apart with Spencer and you, Marlowe and I met the perfect person.
Juliet: That means that person is in prison. And is a woman.
Lassiter: Which one of those is a problem?
Juliet: I’m the kind of person that would never ever ever forgive myself if I thought I put the wrong person behind bars, so if the real culprit is still out there, believe me I want to find him more than anyone.
Thane: Ah hell no. Man, I ain’t feeling her at all. She’s part of the system that stole my life!
Shawn: Thane, I can personally vouch for Juliet here. Especially now that she agrees with me. We’re all on the same team.
Thane: Oh, well then you ain’t on my team now.
Shawn: What?
Thane: Last thing we need is for her to plant evidence to frame some other dude.
Thane: Police Lady, you done right by me.
Juliet: Well I was horrified at the thought of making the same mistake twice.
Thane: I should have let you help a brother out when you offered. I misjudged you.
Jasmine (Sharon Taylor): As far as the diamonds go, they were a gift from my lousy ex.
Juliet: Carl Dozier?
Jasmine: Yes. He brought ’em by trying to win me back, but I said “hell no” and I threw him out.
Lassiter: But you kept the diamonds?
Jasmine: They’re not the ones who slept with my sister.
Shawn: That’s one of the many great things about you, Jules. Throughout this whole process you never got caught up in petty competitiveness.
Juliet: Oh, I so wanted to beat you guys.
Juliet: Did he just run a stop sign?
Shawn: Yes he did. But he also spent almost three years in jail for a crime he didn’t commit. I think we can give him a freebie.
Juliet: Yeah yeah. You’re right. Okay, that was a red light.
Shawn: Come on Jules.
Gus: Did he give you the check?
Shawn: I thought he gave you the check.
Gus: No.
Shawn: Oh, we gotta go after this dude.
View all quotes from True Grits
Santabarbaratown
Lassiter: How do you know so much about this case?
Henry: Because I was the lead detective, along with my partner at the time, Lou Gamble.
Shawn: May he rest in peace. Sweet old Uncle Lou had a thousand jokes about hemorrhoids. They were all hilarious.
Henry: Jordan was our lead suspect the entire time.
Juliet: So why couldn’t you get him?
Henry: Never got enough evidence.
Lassiter: So why couldn’t you get him?
Shawn: Why would Jordan bury one body and not the other?
Juliet: Maybe it was some weird admission of guilt.
Shawn: Ah. Kind of like Gus admitting that he likes cat food.
Gus: I said I like how it looks in commercials. There’s a difference.
Shawn: No. There is not a difference.
Shawn: Well. I guess I should swing by your place and pick up all my stuff now that you’re okay.
Juliet: Shawn all you brought over were some clothes, a toothbrush and your work out bricks.
Shawn: Right. All my stuff.