Extradition: British Columbia
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Trying to do a performance review here, Mr. Spencer. I thank you not to bother us.
Shawn: Seems like a strange thing to thank me for, but you’re welcome of course.
Shawn: You’ve seen The Mentalist, right?
Corporal Robert Mackintosh: Yes!
Shawn: It’s like that.
Gus: Except that guy is a fake.
Robert: What’s he doing?
Gus: He’s having a psychic episode.
Robert: It’s a bit off-putting.
Gus: You get used to it.
Shawn: He stole something else, too. He stole a painting! {points to an empty spot over the mantle} Ed, he’s better than we thought I’m afraid.
Randolph Stockwell: I sold that painting two weeks ago.
Pierre Despereaux (Cary Elwes): Mildly impressive that you found me here. You two are making a marked improvement from your harlequinade antics on the slopes.
Gus: In my defense, I have two left knees.
Shawn: You know what’s more impressive? In about fifteen seconds you’re going to see a fierce—albeit gunless—American detective, his striking snow bunny partner—which I mean nothing salacious by—and half the RCMP are going to storm this roof and take you down! Wait for it…
Despereaux: I’d love to, but I really have to go.
Shawn: We found you, so… looks like we win.
Despereaux: I am neither known nor wanted in this country. At best I’m a person of interest in places I do my work. Such is the curse of my talent. So since I have taken the time to find you, please, don’t spoil it.
Despereaux: I’d be remiss if I didn’t inform you that you’re way out of your league. The simple fact is, you’ll never catch me. It’s impossible. Which makes what should be an exciting life somewhat pedestrian.
Deputy Commissioner Ed Dykstra (Ed Lauter): How clear are you on this?
Shawn: It’s as if he wrote it on a piece of paper and put it in my hand.
Despereaux: You know you should keep at this detective business, Mr. Spencer. You have the hair for it, and that’s half the battle.
Despereaux: You have nothing on me but your word. Your very shaky, very suspect word. Therefore you pose absolutely no threat to me whatsoever. I do have to thank you. You have been very useful for me.
Shawn: My pleasure.
Despereaux: And now if you don’t mind.
Shawn: I don’t know how to respond. I’m both relieved and offended at the same time.
Shawn: One more thing. What day is today?
Despereaux: Sunday.
Shawn: Yeah, that’s what I thought.
Despereaux: Mr. Spencer. I have often fantasized about escaping from prison, you know.
He Dead
Present Day
Mrs. Clayton (Christine Baranski): I’m really quite shocked.
Lassiter: You are?
Mrs. Clayton: Yes, it just doesn’t show on my face because of years of Botox.
Mrs. Clayton: What resources will you be needing?
Shawn: Re- ? Okay, one: a case of Red Vines, individually-wrapped. Two: a mini-fridge filled with Cactus Cooler. We need a Shamwow…
Gus: A new laptop. Tell her we need a new laptop.
Shawn: A new laptop. Preferably one made of Red Vines.
Mrs. Clayton: I pay for results, Mr. Spencer. My new chin is proof of that.
Rosa: Who is this man? Make me make him leave.
Chief Vick: You better come up with something soon, Mr. Spencer, or this will be the second time you’re fired from the same case.
Shawn: If your family’s hiding anything else, we will find it.
Mrs. Clayton: We don’t hide anything except large amounts of money, illegitimate children and, ah, the fact that we’re Jewish.
Nina Thomas: May I help you?
Shawn: I certainly hope so. My name is Shawn Spencer, this is my associate, Jazz Hands. {Gus does Jazz hands}
Nina Thomas: You guys believe in karma, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes, but only because we’re karma chameleons.
Gus: We come and go.
Nina Thomas: I can’t believe you think I would kill my own father.
Shawn: In my defense, I initially thought you were sleeping with him. {to Charles} How pumped are you that I was wrong about that.
High Noon-ish
Hank Mendel (James Brolin): Hell, I wasn’t even gonna call you out here, but Binkie insisted.
Gus: Binkie?
Oh. You don’t call him Binkie?
Shawn: We do now.
Hank: It started out as simple vandalism. Somebody’s been stealing our wood from sidewalks, buildings, fence posts.
Shawn: Wood thieves. My first instinct is beavers. But I’m not willing to rule out those pesky Keebler Elves.
Hank: Hey. I hope you boys like beans.
Shawn: Tell me, Hank, have you ever seen this vandal?
Hank: I’ve felt him.
Shawn: Was that in an appropriate way?
Gus: I’m out of here. I’m calling a cab.
Hank: Those things don’t work out here. We got no TVs, no radios, no refrigerators.
Gus: Sounds like prison. Except they have those things.
Shawn: Would you stop it.
The Devil’s in the Details… and the Upstairs Bedroom
1989
Father Peter Westley (Ray Wise): It seem like he just can’t get through a lecture without questioning every detail. Take this morning’s for instance, on Noah’s Ark.
Young Shawn: I’m sorry, Dad, but it just doesn’t make sense.
Father Westley: What doesn’t make sense, Shawn?
Young Shawn: Lots of things. Like if the Ark was built in the Middle East, how did animals like the Koala bear get to it?
Young Gus: God helped them get there, using His Almighty power.
Father Westley: That’s exactly right, Gus.
Young Shawn: Then why didn’t He use those powers to create the Ark? Wouldn’t the be much faster than getting Noah to build it?
Father Westley: Have you two ever considered visiting the Methodist church down the street? It’s quite nice.
Present Day
Father Westley: I just can’t believe the two of you have become detectives.
Shawn: Psychic detectives, to be exact.
Gus: Actually, he’s the psychic. I’m a pharmaceutical salesman.
Shawn: We also do commercial jingles.
Gus: No we don’t.
Shawn: We will. {singing} Bum bum bum. Muffins.
Father Westley: That’s incredible.
Shawn: Thanks. I made it up just now.
Father Westley: I was talking about the detective thing.
Shawn: That too.
Shawn: Is there anyone else you can think of who’s taking the news of Agatha’s death particularly hard? Family or close friends?
Co-ed: Well you know about Lucy, don’t you?
Shawn: Yes. Of course. She charges five cents for psychiatric help and if she ever asks you to kick a football, you say no.
Mrs. Ryan: Can I get either of you something?
Shawn: Yes. Diet Coke, garlic hummus and the new TV Guide if you have it.
Father Westley: I always try to start every exorcism with a little humor.
Shawn: Check this one out: a priest, a rabbi—
Father Westley: It’s over now.
Lucy: I know about Mr. Reno!
Shawn: What’d you say?
Lucy: He was your seventh grade shop teacher. And you placed a tack on his chair.
Shawn: That… Did you tell her that?
Gus: No.
Lucy: You’re the one who gave him blood poisoning.
Shawn: No. We don’t know that for sure.
Father Westley: Get him out of here, Gus.
Shawn: The man made a living handling rusty metal.
Cameron: Hey guys. What are you doing here?
Shawn: Unfortunately we’re here to tell you that you are under arrest for possession of an illegal hot plate.
Cameron: Lucy and I have always just been friends.
Shawn: Cam, don’t be so naive. Men and women can’t be friends.
Gus: Yeah, When Harry Met Sally taught us that.
Shawn: It also taught us that women often fake orgasms. {Juliet agrees}
Shawn: Bless me Father, for I have sinned. It’s been… fifteen years since my last confession.
Father Westley: Wow.
Shawn: “Wow”? That’s not very priestly.
Shawn: One thing I wasn’t lying about was the commercial jingles. Perhaps I could help the church out with a new theme. {singing} Bum bum bum. Wafers! No. that’s not it, that’s not the one. Let me try this. {singing} Bum bum bum. Holy Ghost.
Father Westley: I like that. Holy Ghost.
Shawn: Yeah?
Father Westley: Yes.
Shawn Has the Yips
Chief Vick: I’m not using public funds to help you overcome your mental block of overthrowing first base.
Shawn: Would it help if I told you I’m also pee shy?
Chief Vick: Lassiter, do you have any idea who’d want to shoot you?
Lassiter: A lot of people want to kill me. I take great pride in that.
Salamatchia: I recognize you.
Shawn: Yes sir. We’re both listed on the Petrovich case.
Gus: No we are not!
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie.
Gus: Since when?
Bollywood Homicide
Rajesh “Raj” Singh (Sendhil Ramamurthy): Hey. What’s wrong?
Mina (Azita Ghanizada): I hate having to hide what we have. You know we can’t really be together until you tell her.
Raj: I will. Soon.
Shawn: This is my “I told you so” room. Where I like to gloat after a completey wild accusation turns out to be spot-on. That’s my “oops” corner, where I apologize to people for being arrested after a completely wild accusation turns out to be just that. Over there’s where you get gum. Free.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): What!
Lassiter: Let’s go straight to the million dollar question: who exactly is responsible?
Raj: I am. I hurt them all. I’m a danger to everyone around me.
Lassiter: Just so we’re clear, I’d like you to write everything down. When you did it, where you did it, why you did it. {Rajesh starts writing} Now the “why” is very important— You’re done?
Raj: Yes.
Lassiter: You just wrote like three words.
Raj grabbing his hands: I hurt people. Lots of people. Lots of innocent people.
Shawn extricating himself: It’s funny, because you don’t strike me as a violent guy. How could you commit these crimes?
Raj: I can’t help it. The attacks, they just happen.
Shawn: I see. And you use some sort of weapon.
Raj: I am the weapon!
Shawn: Really?
High Top Fade-Out
Tony (Jaleel White): Normally we wouldn’t even associate ourselves with someone who would partner up with a buster like Gus.
Joon (Keenan Thompson): Buster!
Tony: But I checked out that newsletter. And that article made it seem like you were pretty good at solving stuff without a lot of evidence.
Shawn: The less evidence the better.
Tony: Good. ‘Cause Diddle doesn’t deserve to go out like that.
Tony: Can we hire you or what?
Shawn: Man, I think that might be a little complicated. {he looks at Gus} Then again, what are best friends of mysteriously estranged old college friends for?
Gus: Then it’s settled. There’ll be no reunion unless Jesus agrees to manage the group.
Tony: That’s fine by me.
Tony: Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Gus: I know. Diddle worked for Cyber Vault.
Tony: Oh, this dude.
Gus: Companies hired them to protect and encrypt data sent over networks.
Shawn: So they can or can not lift the parental lock on my laptop?
Gus: That was me, Shawn. It was for your own good.
Tony: Now you feel where we’re coming from. How ’bout you, Gus?
Joon: Oh man, he’s not even hearin’ it. Much less feelin’ it.
Shawn: Gus, it’s clear to the three of us that you are neither hearing it nor feeling it. What I can’t discern is, are you mad at it?
Woody the Coroner (Kurt Fuller): Hey there.
Shawn: Hi. You must be the new coroner.
Woody the Coroner: Yeah, I just transferred over. But don’t worry, I’ve been playing with dead things since I was a toddler.
Shawn: What the? I specifically told you guys to stay at my Dad’s.
Tony: Yeah, but then you gave us the nod. So clearly you were saying, “Don’t trust something this important to Gus. B.”
Shawn: No. I’m not nearly adept enough at using B to work it into a nod. I was just, I was saying, “Goodbye for now.”
Gus: How many times have I told you not to mess with the nod?
Shawn: Never. You’ve never once said that to me.
Det. Moses Johnson (Tony Todd): You two sure have a propensity for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Let’s Get Hairy
Stewart Gimbley (Josh Malina): Please tell me you’re the psychic detectives. Please.
Shawn: I am the psychic detective. He has a Magic 8-Ball head.
Gus: So Stewart, why do you feel you need to be locked up and observed?
Stewart: I’m almost positive I’m a lycan.
Shawn: Lycan? Like seaweed?
Stewart: No. A lycan.
Shawn: Oh, you mean lychee. Like sheep’s wool.
Gus: Lychee is a tropical fruit, Shawn.
Stewart: A lycan. Lycanthrope. A, a, a—
Gus: Werewolf?
Stewart: Yes!
Willow Gimbley (Larisa Oleynik): He’s been so elusive this past week. He won’t let me or any of the other shamans in our healing rhombus help him because he doesn’t want to put us in danger.
Shawn: Polexia wasn’t kidding.
Stewart: Polexia? What? You talked with the Black Widow?
Gus: You call her the Black Widow?
Stewart: Not just me. All of us in the group. She was once married to this guy who couldn’t grow hair. What’s that called?
Shawn: Bald.
Gus: Alopecia.
Shawn: That’s the fear of beans.
Dr. Ken Tucker: It’s not too late. We can work it out. I love my wife, but I really do enjoy having sex with you.
Polexia Li: That’s the best you’ve got? Well pretty soon everyone will know just how pathetic you really are!
Dr. Tucker: I’m afraid I can’t let that happen. I didn’t have to end this way—
Dr. Tucker: You don’t understand. She’s very sick. I was only trying to help.
Juliet: I don’t think so. And woman-to-woman? It’s time to ixnay this shortcut.
Dr. Tucker: For what it’s worth, I only went into the woods to kill a deer. The hunters were a mere crime of opportunity. A happy accident.
Lassiter: Oh! That’s worth absolutely nothing.
Stewart: Where am I? I feel like a baby.
Willow: That’s because you’re wearing a diaper.
Butch Zielinski (Thomas F. Wilson): You’re ruthless, Henry. You are strong of mind but mean of heart.
Henry: We reap what we sow, Zielinski. Time to pay the piper.
Shawn Takes a Shot in the Dark
Rollins (John Hawkes): How the hell do you escape from the trunk of a car?
Shawn: In his defense I think I’m the only kid whose father taught him how to kick out the tail light from the back of a trunk.
Shawn: You know I’ve heard people say that with gunshot wounds it’s really all about the shock, you know? That at some point the bullet wound itself just goes numb. You can’t feel anything. It’s not true. I can say without a doubt this is the most pain I’ve ever been in in my life. So if you wouldn’t mind turning the other way I would really like to weep now.
Garth (Michael Rooker): It’s a flesh wound, alright? You’re fine. Stop whining.
Shawn: So you could probably take a target from what, eight hundred yards?
Garth: Twelve hundred. If the wind conditions are right.
Shawn: Right?
Garth: Oh yeah. Well fifteen. Possibly.
Shawn: That’s impressive.
Garth: Some people get pretty good at that stuff.
Shawn: It does beg the question. Why didn’t you kill me at three feet? We both know that you could have but you didn’t.
Shawn: The question is, where’s is gonna go down. And when.
Rollins: What do you care? You’ll be dead.
You Can’t Handle This Episode
Ewan O’Hara (John Cena): Honestly man. From what my sis tells me, you— you’re the amazing one.
Shawn: You said that?
Juliet: I said you were prophetic.
Shawn: What?! You’re prophetic!
Major General Felts (Robert Patrick): I assume you realize that this type of idiocy will not be tolerated on my base!
Shawn: Is there another type of idiocy that you would be more comfortable with?
Felts: If you’re going to turn this into an interrogation, Detective, you better be prepared to stick bamboo shoots under my fingernails.
Abigail: I’m going to Uganda.
Shawn: The city?
Abigail: The country.
Thrill Seekers and Hell-Raisers
Ruby (Sarah Shahi): Might I say that you and Gus have one of the most rich and fulfilling friendships I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: We’re like Andi and Ducky. With just a tad of Mary-Kate and Ashley.
Shawn: We thought you guys were having a picnic, you know, because it’s lunch time.
Stu: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.
Shawn: Let me explain. Lunch for us starts ten minutes after breakfast ends, goes ’till ten minutes before dinner starts. Unless of course we just combine the two, in which case we have “linner”.
Gus: And then there’s “dessinner”. Which is dessert and dinner.
Shawn: I can you that Jessica here is a bit of a free spirit. Single, but looking. And not afraid to make the first move.
Ruby: Nice. How’d you know that?
Shawn: She’s tickling my ass.
Ruby: We’re in a trust circle, Gus.
Gus: No. No. I want out of the trust circle.
Ruby: There are no doors in the trust circle, Gus.
Gus: What about Shawn?
Ruby: That would be a trust triangle. Don’t make things more difficult than it already is, okay?
A Very Juliet Episode
Marshal Daniel Wayne (Craig Sheffer): So you did this?
Shawn: Yes we did. But don’t worry, there’s no need for a reward.
Marshal Wayne: Well that’s good. Because we generally don’t give out rewards for exposing a key witness right out of witness protection.
Agent Wayne: You know, I used to have some respect. And you single-handedly let this guy destroy my career.
Chief Vick: I get it, Agent Wayne. You’re very important. But why don’t you let me handle my people when you’re in this building.
JT Waring (Arnold Vosloo): If you are a psychic how about you prove something for me. That I didn’t kill that man.
Shawn: My god, he’s convincing.
Gus: Convincing? He’s a criminal.
Shawn: Yes. But he has a great head. And a real presence. There’s something very Billy Zane-y about him.
Gus: You and Billy Zane are the only ones that use that term. He’s playing you, Shawn. He’s a murderer and liar and the lowest form of trash.
Waring: You know these things don’t turn off, right?
Waring: Do you understand about honor, Mr. Spencer?
Shawn: Of course I do. I have a bootleg copy of Saving Private Ryan at home.
Wayne: I’m a federal agent, you idiot.
Lassiter: Not anymore.
Death Is in the Air
Donny Leberman: But why would someone want to buy the virus?
Shawn: I have a guess, and much like this bedspread it’s not pretty.
Shawn: Speaking of disasters, Doctor, what is your opinion of Lassiter’s hair?
Dr. Steven Reidman (Judd Nelson): Scientifically, if he were to grow it, his ears wouldn’t stick out as much.
Shawn: According to your file, under medications, you have listed neither Rogaine nor Monoxinil. Is that correct?
Patient: That’s right.
Shawn: Really? You don’t want to try either of those?
Patient: No. Why?
Shawn about the escaped Dr. Mallon: I’m sensing that he has his own stash of the cure.
Juliet: How is that possible?
Shawn: Because not only did he invent it, I am sensing he also stole the Thornberg and then released it.
Gus: You refer to the virus in the feminine tense?
Reidman: Indeed, if you knew her as I do there is no mistaking her for anything other than a she.
Gus: That doesn’t make any sense.
Reidman: Neither do women.
Think Tank
Walter Snowden (Bruce Davison): Hello. Walter Snowden. I’d like to introduce myself and say very impressive work.
Shawn: Thanks Walt. Shawn Spencer. This is my partner—
Walter Snowden: Burton Guster. Or should I say, Gee Buttersnaps. Or Lavender Goomps. Or Clementine Woollysocks perhaps.
Shawn: Wow. This guy really is a fan.
Gus: Fan or a stalker. Gee Buttersnaps was said on a secure military base with no one else around.
Walter Snowden: Let’s just say I’ve been following your work for quite awhile now.
Snowden: This has nothing to do with any of his business ventures.
Gus: So what will we be doing?
Snowden: Preventing his assassination.
Shawn: Give me your watch, I’ll tell you exactly when you’re going to die.
Fred Collins Boyd (Miguel Ferrer): Thanks for the parlor tricks, but no.
Boyd: So a cell phone isn’t predictable enough but a poison is perfectly reliable. Is that what you’re saying?
Svetlana Progoyovic: I use skin contact. It’s as if I sneezed and then it’s, how do you say? Goodnight Charlie.
Shawn: Gus, how bad do you wish you were Charlie?
Gus: She is a killer, Shawn. She kills people.
Shawn: But how bad?
Gus: Real bad.
Snowden: What are you calculating, Alan?
Alan Zenuk (Alex Zahara): Oh I’m figuring the odds of Mr. Spencer getting fired.
Ashton Bonaventure (Chris Sarandon): What is the meaning of this interruption?
Shawn: Mr. Bonaventure. I believe that you will be in grave danger. And I believe that there will be an attempt made on your life.
Bonaventure: And how do you know that?
Shawn: Because I’m a psychic. I’m also an inventor. It’s a pillow that combs your hair when you sleep.
Shawn: Chief, I really don’t see the point in getting upset over spilled milk.
Chief Vick: Why would I be upset? The most powerful businessman in the state is the target of an assassination and one of my people helped plan it.
Shawn: Actually it was two. Gus was there as well.
Gus: Why would you say that?
Shawn: I just thought it would help cushion the blow if we distribute the blame.
Gus: Cushion who?
Shawn: Me mostly.
Snowden: I thought you were an idiot.
Lassiter: Well we’ve all been there.
The Head, the Tail, the Whole Damn Episode
Shawn: This is the thanks I get for giving you a cat and finding a guy to remove your Baha Men tattoo?
Buzz: Sorry guys. He’s really determined today.
Dr. Kimberly Phoenix (Jeri Ryan): You’re dad is one silver-tongued devil, Shawn.
Mr. Yin Presents…
1989
Present Day