Pilot
1986
Santa Barbara, CA
Waitress: That’s amazing.
Henry: It’s adequate. Get him his cake.
Waitress: I guess I know what you’re going to be when you grow up.
Young Shawn: Oh. I’m never going to grow up, ma’am.
2006
…still Santa Barbara
Waitress: You didn’t tell me you were a cop.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh no no no. Definitely not a cop. Does that disappoint you?
Waitress: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh I definitely have handcuffs.
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That’s all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No! It is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him!
Shawn: Book— ? Oh come on, cuffs? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Or you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: I— Okay! Okay. Fine. You win. I got the information because… I am a psychic.
Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Desk Sergeant Allen: Please. Feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch. {they touch fingers} Boop!
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you’re welcome.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, “Improbable. Possible. Yet unlikely.”
Shawn: It’s hard to explain. I’m gifted. I was born that way.
Chief Vick: I knew your father. He was a good cop. You’re nothing like him.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment, ma’am.
Chief Vick: Don’t ever call me ma’am.
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief Vick: Not exactly. Are you familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum. Yeah. They own half the hill.
Chief Vick: Well there’s been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief Vick: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case. What I need is a miracle. Or a facsimile of one.
Chief Vick: And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute.
Lucinda: Mr. Spencer, the sketch artist is here for you.
Shawn: Sketch artist?
Lucinda: The chief insisted.
Shawn: Interim chief.
Lucinda: Yeah. You call her that.
Shawn: I just need to speak to the witnesses again.
Chief Vick: The McCallum family has been through enough. And this conversation is over.
Gus: Thank you. We parked in the parking structure. Do you validate?
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): This is highly inappropriate, Mr. Spencer. The investigation is over.
Shawn: What if they got the wrong man?
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): And who would the right man be?
Shawn: You.
Spellingg Bee
Ms. Foote (Christine Willes): You may have five minutes with each contestant. No more. If the room is needed you’ll be asked to vacant. I’ll begin with the eliminated contestants.
Shawn: Um, actually we’d only like to speak to the ones that were still in the competition when the accident occurred. Ms. Foote. And, ah, let’s start with the shifty-eyed ones, shall we?
Shawn: Still studying, huh?
Mother: She loves it. Won’t put that thing down.
Shawn: Well. Kudos on the child-rearing. Let me know how the therapy goes.
Mother: Huh?
Producer: Hello? We need the word now. Is everything okay? Man something’s wrong. Send security.
Shawn: Uh no. Sorry for the delay.
Shawn: Give me one!
Gus: No. You are not going to be Spellmaster.
Shawn: Gus, give a word so we can get out of here! We’re so close.
Producer: Everything okay?
Shawn: It’s fine. “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Can you repeat that?
Shawn: Yes. {slower} “Banana”.
Contestant 118: Definition please?
Shawn: A yellow fruit. Also: a kind of pudding. A delicious pudding.
Kid: Sentence please?
Shawn: “Anna Banana would like to hear Venus by Bananarama.” Banana.
Chief Vick: Can’t he just tell us to arrest someone?
Juliet: He does this a lot?
Lassiter and Vick: Yes.
Lassiter: Want me to cuff him?
Chief Vick: Why? Why would I want that?
Lassiter: Just a suggestion.
Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece
Shawn: Look. She’s faking her own signature and later there’s evidence that— {Gus smacks his elbow} I feel it. In the ink. Very bad vibes. Strong, squidish vibes.
Chief Vick: I’ll check it out.
Shawn: You’re the sister of the groom. And the maid of honor. And the wedding planner!
Lacey Maxwell: Correct.
Shawn: That is so nice.
Lacey Maxwell: You should see my closet.
Shawn: I am hoping to. But not until I find this ring.
Gus: Fantastic. I can’t even have an imaginary boy cat.
Shawn: Gus. A boy cat wouldn’t serve my purposes nearly as well. The next time I need you, Pickles is having kittens.
Gus: Pickles?
Shawn: Mrs. Pickles is her full name. Though I’m not actually sure cats can marry outside of Boston.
Chief Vick: Let me be perfectly clear. I didn’t see you and we didn’t talk. Call me if you have something. {she walks off}
Shawn: I love her.
Lacey: I went to Europe, painted, slept, ate. Sank a boat. Disappointed?
Shawn: Besotted.
Priest: Does all this have anything to do with why these two shouldn’t be married?
Shawn: No, sir. No. It doesn’t at all actually.
Woman Seeking Dead Husband: Smokers Okay, No Pets
Shawn: I definitely heard the word “psychic”.
Chief Vick: The woman—Raylene—says she visits an occasional psychic. She wasn’t asking for one.
Shawn: No, not in so many words.
Chief Vick: No, not in any words. This is a bank robbery case. We don’t need psychics for a bank robbery case.
Raylene Wilcroft: I have to admit, when I met you at the police station I was intrigued. So I checked your recent track record. It’s amazing. Really.
Gus: It’s a team effort.
Shawn: Not really. I do most of the work.
Shawn: You lost the money.
David Morrison Wilcroft (Steve Bacic): Yeah. How’d you know?
Shanks: Can you prove you’re a psychic?
Shawn: Sure. Sure. You are… a bank robber. You, ah, did not like prison. You are wearing the same pants that you were released in. And you have packed on a few pounds since you’ve been incarcerated.
Shanks: Okay, we’re going to try this one more time. {he moves in front of Gus} Now, how many fingers? {Gus motions “three”}
Shawn: Dude. You need to stop picking three.
9 Lives
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Hey did you just sip that?
Shawn: You don’t taste Lassiter’s coffee before you give it to him? That surprises me, Buzz. He’s so particular, with no cream, no sugar.
McNab: It’s three creams, four sugars.
Shawn: Yeah it is.
Shawn: Come on, let me read the witnesses. You know, due diligence.
Lassiter: Spencer, we did the due diligence. It was a suicide. There was no crime. There are no
witnesses.
Shawn: You’re wrong. There is a witness. There’s a cat. I want to talk the the cat. As soon as he’s finished… licking himself. Wow. I’m jealous.
Buzz: It’s just that… you’re still married, right?
Lassiter: Are you trying to piss me off?
Weekend Warriors
Shawn: George, I heard you got married, but wow. Huh
George Cheslow: Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: what’s wrong with this picture. But where is it written that the ugly guy never gets the girl?
Shawn: Everywhere, man.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, if you can’t names names, I’m afraid he’s right this time.
Shawn: Fine. I’ll get you a name. {to Lassiter} And I’m gonna get you a woman. {he leaves}
Lassiter: Afraid he’s right? This time?
Griffin Mahoney (Peter Michael Goetz): The inscription. What would you like it to say?
Henry: “Shawn, Don’t lose this watch. Henry Spencer.”
Mahoney: Spencer?
Henry: What? Too much?
Mahoney: No no. Just that your son is no doubt familiar with your last name.
Elaine: Mr. Guster, I know you said you didn’t want to be interrupted, but there’s a Lieutenant Crunch here to see you.
Gus: Crunch?
Shawn: Actually I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.
Gus: Are you sure there’s not a better uniform?
Sally Reynolds (Claire Coffee): Yeah, but I’m checking with the Ventura association. Personally I think you look dashing. I always loved the marching band.
Mahoney: Back off. Back off. This gun is loaded. {he marches the two out into the hall to find the rest of the regiment aiming at him}
Shawn: Yes. But mine are so much bigger.
Chief Vick: Detective O’Hara, lose the hoop skirt before you hurt someone.
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Shawn: Mr. Duncan—Robert. How can we help you and can I call you Bob?
Robert Dunne (Frank Whaley): This is difficult.
Shawn: Take your time. We’re here. Come on.
Robert: I’m just going to say it. I’m being haunted!
Gus: Haunted?
Robert: Whatever this thing is it followed me all the way from San Francisco.
Gus: Maybe it likes you.
Robert: I don’t think so.
Gus: What makes you say that?
Robert: I think it tried to kill me.
Amy: A girlfriend of mine saw him in a club with another woman. He was drunk and pretended that she had him confused with someone else. He said his name was—get this—Martin Brody.
Shawn: Martin Brody? Roy Scheider’s character from Jaws?
Amy: Yes! How’d you know?
Shawn: Well… I’ve seen Jaws.
Regina: I can’t tell you how glad I am that you got my message. {Regina puts her hand on Gus’ shoulder} So… do you think you could help me? Please?
Shawn: Dude.
Shawn vs. the Red Phantom
George Takei: Why are you telling people you’re my assistants?
Shawn: Because we are your assistants?
George Takei: Excuse me?
George Takei: The last time I was in Chicago I was doing a reading from my autobiography.
Shawn: Right. We booked that.
Shawn: Look George we can stand around and talk all day or we can try to something about solving your blueberry crisis. The choice is yours.
George Takei: Well all right then. Get to it.
Chief Vick: My water just broke.
Lassiter: Are you sure?
Chief Vick: No, Carlton. There’s water spilling out of me for some other reason.
Lassiter: Oh no. Oh! Can you move my briefcase?
Chief Vick: Briefcase?!
Lassiter: It might me in the line of—
Chief Vick: Do you understand how uncomfortable this is?!
Lassiter: It’s leather! I didn’t Scotchgard it.
George Takei: Shawn.
Shawn: GT!
George Takei: The blueberries are still wrong. I requested North Carolina blueberries but they sent me Michigan blueberries. People say I’m crazy but I can taste the difference.
Shawn: I don’t think that’s crazy at all.
Doctor: Want to cut the cord, Dad?
Lassiter: No, I’m not…. Okay.
Juliet: Chief, should you be up and walking?
Chief Vick: Walking? I’m coming into work tomorrow.
Shawn: Oh, don’t be ridiculous. You need to go home, with your child. Relax. Take a load off. Refresh yourself. January. I think January. Come back in January.
Forget Me Not
1986
Ms. Bodansky: Our next step is the primate habitat.
Young Shawn: Hear that, Trish. Monkeys. We’re going to visit your family.
Young Trish: Knock it off, Shawn.
Present Day
Shawn: Murder.
Brett Connors (Kurtwood Smith): Yes.
Shawn: There was a murder.
Mr. Connors: Yes. Exactly. A murder. A 187. And I solved it! You bet your ass.
Gus: So what do you need us for?
Mr. Connors: Because, dammit, I can’t remember who’s been killed!
Trish Connors (Ashley Williams): Or who the killer was.
Mr. Connors: Look at you fellahs all grown up. How long’s it been?
Shawn: About a day.
Gus: Less, actually.
Trish: Amazing.
Gus: What?
Trish: The way that he’s sitting there so quiet. I mean in high school he was always so loud and needed attention constantly, and needed to be noticed. And he just would not shut up. He was so annoying, drove me nuts. But now. I mean look at him. So calm, so unobtrusive. The way he just let you step in and take over like that. I think he’s really matured.
Gus: Yeah. Yeah. He has.
Shawn: Gus you know what this means?
Gus: The murder didn’t happen here.
Shawn: Exactly. This cat was framed.
Ranger Desoto: I guess you guys can’t read. This area is closed.
From the Earth to Starbucks
198
Present Day
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, He Loves Me, Oops He’s Dead
Shawn: I’m here to take your statement, find out just exactly what happened.
Fred Turk: Well I don’t really remember much.
Shawn: Funny. It says here you told the desk sergeant you woke up naked in a field with your ass hanging out.
Fred Turk: Yeah, that’s right. But I don’t remember exactly what they look like. It’s all really confusing for me right now.
Shawn: When you say “they” just who are you referring to?
Fred Turk: Aliens.
Fred Turk: Who is that person over there? Because he’s really making me uncomfortable?
Gus: I’m making you uncomfortable right now? Dude. Is there any reason why you’re not wearing any clothes now?
Fred Turk: Hey, I think I might have been abducted, all right? I believe I might have been experimented on! So there’s no way I’m going to touch these clothes and compromise evidence.
Shawn: Okay! Okay, Mr. Turk. Please. Try to get control of your considerable person. Why don’t you cover up with the towel. That’s why it’s there. One size fits all. I hope.
Marvin (Colin Cunningham): Hello, me buckos! I’m Marvin. Welcome to Shenanigans. Home of the world famous Blarney Stone fajitas.
Shawn: Hello Marvin. We’re here to speak with the leprechaun.
Chief Vick: Let me get this straight. There is a dead body and a murderer loose in our city and you want the Santa Barbara police department to pay for you to go on dates?
Gus: Yes, that’s correct.
Shawn: I mean, I suppose we could split it if we had to. What’s that called? Going, going “deutsche”?
Lorraine: Love is in the air! I can smell it!
Gus to Shawn: I smell cabbage.
Glenda (Teryl Rothery): What’s your mom’s maiden name?
Shawn: Buzzteats.
Glenda: Wow. Yeah. Teats as in… ?
Shawn: Yeah. All my ancestry were farmers.
Glenda: Oh! Hey, I was raised on a farm.
Shawn: No kidding?
Glenda: I had this most adorable pet goat named Cassie.
Lorraine: This is a speed dating first! You and you are a one hundred percent match from your personality questionnaires. I smell love.
Juliet: I need a drink.
Shawn: I gotta pee.
Lorraine: Murder. Wow. That’s a speed dating first.
Cloudy, Chance of Murder
Adam Hornstock (Michael Weston): Can we please go before Dyrecki gets back?
Shawn noticing the wedding ring: Carter Dyrecki just left for a nooner with his mistress. We have at least two hours. {he notices his photo}. Maybe an hour and a half.
Judge: Do you know this man?
Lassiter: I do.
Judge Horace Leland: And has he worked on cases for the department?
Lassiter: He has.
Shawn: There you have it!
Judge Leland: And he was helpful?
Lassiter: Absolutely. {he sits back down}
Shawn to the stenographer: Did he just say absolutely through a half-smile? I’d like you to print it out, please. I’m thinking of shellacing it on a nice piece of paper. Maybe a little decoupage.
Shawn: Hey. What would Phelps need to get authenticated?
Adam: I don’t know. HIs little collection of green army men?
Shawn: H-Stock, did you just make a joke?
Adam: Every weatherman that I know of has a real weatherman’s name. Johnny Mountain. Dallas Rains. Oh! Jackson Hale, for for example.
Ruben Leonard: Okay, first of all, that wasn’t even his real name.
Adam: Precisely!
Have you ever considered going by the name of Bolt Lightning!
Ruben Leonard: No!
Adam: Cloudy McMillet!
Ruben Leonard: No!
Adam: Wendy… Morningdew?
Phelps: Objection, your honor!
Judge Leland: It’s a little late for that, don’t you think, counselor?
Shawn: Judge, I argue that this tape should not be admissible.
Judge Leland: On what grounds?
Shawn: Well. We are citing unfair surprisery.
Phelps: I still don’t understand why he is in this room. He is nothing but a
Shawn: I feel the tape is the proof! The tape is the pudding!
Phelps: Your honor, I said objection. I demand you get him to stop that!
Judge Leland: Sit down. Do you need a tutorial in the rule 775?
Buzz: I believe this is yours. They just pulled it from the auction.
Gus: Pulled it from the auction?
Shawn: I’ve been practicing my paddle raise. It’s a subtle move.
Buzz: Yeah, you’ve got your bike back. It was taken care of internally.
Shawn: What does that mean, “internally”?
Buzz: I don’t know. They just gave me the paperwork.
Lassiter walking out from the back: What are you looking at? Go home!
Game, Set… Muuurder?
Eve: You know what her weakness was?
Shawn: Kittens?
Eve: Focus! All she ever thought about was boys.
Eve about Deanna: Just watch. In five years she’ll be knocked up and living in government-assisted housing.
Shawn: It’s good to see the game hasn’t hardened you.
Chief Vick: Unless you can give us something more substantial, Mr. Spencer, we’re going to continue the manhunt for Felix Alvarez.
Shawn: Manhunt? Hey, I can project Tommy Lee Jones from The Fugitive, if you’d like. “I want a hard target search for every outhouse, penthouse, henhouse, waffle house, House, MD!” House of Long Shadows?
Tom: Why was an eighty-seven-year-old woman with a broken hip attending a line dancing class?
Gus: Attending it? She was teaching it.
Felix Alvarez: I don’t even think about her anymore.
Lassiter: Yeah, see, that’s what all the crazy stalkers say.
Landlord: What the heck’s going on?
Shawn: Nothing.
Landlord: Nothing? Is that guy dead?
Shawn: Now you’ve seen too much.
Landlord: I didn’t see anything.
Shawn: Yeah, you did. You’re in this just as deep as I am now. We’re going to have to work together.
Landlord: Okay.
Shawn: I assume this building has an incinerator, yeah?
Landlord: Yeah.
Shawn: Okay. We just have to chop up the body, and, ah, put the limbs in little plastic baggies. The torso we’re going to have to melt down of course.
Gus jumping up: Okay, I’ve heard enough.
Tom: Lizzie makes a fondue that would knock your socks off. Block of cheese as big as a housecat. We’re gonna melt it down and gobble it up!
Poker? I Barely Know Her
Bill Peterson (Dan Lauria): I need to find my son. Can you help?
Gus: Well, Mr. Peterson, this sounds like a case for the police. Let me get you a number.
Shawn: Gus, don’t be a gooey chocolate chip cookie. This is precisely what we do here, sir. We find people. We’ll find your Brandon.
Juliet: I just thought it would be nice to surprise him.
Chief Vick: Oh… Detective Lassiter does not like surprises.
Juliet: Of course he likes surprises. Everyone likes surprises.
Chief Vick: Detective Lassiter has a very particular comfort zone. And you don’t even want to know what we now call the Secret Santa Debacle of 2005.
Mrs. Lassiter (Debra Mooney): Well then who the hell are you?
Juliet: I’m his partner.
Mrs. Lassiter: But… you’re a woman.
Juliet: Yes. Shocking, isn’t it.
Mrs. Lassiter: What are you, fulfilling a quota?
Brandon Peterson (Kris Lemche): You know what, I screwed up on my own, I am going to face him on my own.
Shawn: That’s very Cameron Frye of you.
Brandon: It’s Cameron who?
Shawn: Wow. Are we that much older than you?
Ronnie: You think you can mess with my head too?
Shawn: Here’s the thing: I’m a psychic. So if I had to guess, which I don’t, I’d say yes. Yes. I can mess with your head. And I can put an entire sandwich in your hair.
Shawn: The chips say you’re a cheater cheater pumpkin-eater.
Berger: Is that right?
Shawn: Yeah.
Berger: If you were psychic, I wouldn’t be cleaning your clock right now.
Shawn: “Cleaning my clock”? What does that mean, Berger? What, you take time out of your day to clean another man’s timepiece? And if so, that would be a bad thing?
Scary Sherry: Bianca’s Toast
Lassiter: Excuse me. I’m going to have to ask you to vacate this room.
Detective Goochberg (Mercedes Ruehl): Excuse me. I’m going to have to ask you to go screw yourself.
Lassiter: I beg your pardon?
Goochberg: Oh, don’t beg.
Lassiter: I’m sorry, how can you possibly be a rookie at your—you know—advanced age?
Goochberg: I passed the test Friday. I had to sue the department to let me take it again.
Lassiter: Again?
Goochberg: I might have failed it. A few times. Thirteen to be exact.
Alice: How does it feel being pretty but damned?
Juliet: Alice, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
Alice: Well just stay away from me. Fair warning.
Lassiter: He was the victim, Goochberg!
Goochberg: But did we get him?
Lassiter: Yeah. Yeah, we got him, Goochberg.
Alice Bundy: That is it! Now you die for sure!
Juliet: I don’t think so.
Alice Bundy: What would you have done, Shawn? If it was your best friend. What would you have done?
Shawn: Oh no. Gus!
Lassiter: Did I upset you?
Chief Vick: Upset me?
Lassiter: Insult you. Demean you in some way that I did not comprehend?
Chief Vick: Detective, I am pretty sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Lassiter: The woman. The crazy woman. The half-deaf, litigating nightmare express of a detective? Why would you put me, of all people, with her? I am head detective.
Chief Vick: Honestly, detective, I thought you two would hit it off.
Lassiter: Why would you possibly think that?
Chief Vick: Well she kind of reminds me of you. You know, a few years down the road. Similar interests, outlooks. Everyone thought it was a pretty good idea.
Lassiter: That’s how people perceive me?
Chief Vick: We’re all a little surprised that it didn’t work out, Carlton.