Ghosts
Frank Ogletree (Todd Stashwick): Are you familiar with the exclusivity clause in your contract? It means we don’t allow second jobs.
Gus: Jobs? No, no. Psych is more like community service. And it never affects my work.
Frank Ogletree: This photo was taken Thursday night. I noticed that you signed out early that day.
Gus: At least I signed out.
Gus: What is this?
Ogletree: It’s a termination notice. Or you could quit your other job. You tell me. {Gus sets down the letter} Good choice.
Madeleine Spencer (Cybill Shepherd): Shawn, you don’t have to walk me through the whole building. I used to have quite a few sessions here. This is where I met your father
Shawn: I know. I heard the story. It was an evaluation after he shot some drug dealer.
Madeleine: He told you that? He twisted his ankle doing security for the Cinnamon Festival.
Lassiter: You wanted to see me, Chief?
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Yes. It has come to my attention, Detective, that you have discharged your weapon in the last four cases you’ve worked.
Lassiter: Thank you.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a compliment.
Chief Vick: I’ve requested a department-sanctioned psychologist to come here and have a session or two with you.
Lassiter: I’m going to have to say no.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t a question.
Lassiter: Could you phrase it like one?
Lassiter: Where’s the bug?
Madeleine: The what?
Lassiter: The bug. {checking the table} Nothing new in this area. It must be concealed on your person.
Madeleine: I honestly don’t have anything on me.
Lassiter: Then you wouldn’t be opposed to me patting you down.
Madeleine: Actually I’m very opposed to that.
Haversham: So what is this now, a shakedown?
Shawn: Oh there’s no shakedown. I’m just telling you what I know. I’m a psychic. And with great power comes great responsibility. And that responsibility I share with Gus. All we want is the opportunity to continue doing our work.
Haversham: Just between us?
Shawn: I’m a psychic. I can’t lie.
Madeleine: What happened?
Shawn: When?
Madeleine: Between you two.
Shawn: Mom, that is a veritable lifetime of conversations.
Madeleine: What happened? Don’t mince words.
Shawn: With Dad? Look, we were both there. You know. We don’t need to revisit the past.
Madeleine: Maybe we do.
Shawn: Look, I’m not sure I want to forgive him for what happened.
Madeleine: The divorce?
Shawn: It wasn’t what happened, Mom. It was the way that it happened. I mean, let’s call it what it was. He left us. He left you. He ended up with the house and he left you by yourself to pick up the pieces. That’s not exactly what I call hero material, you know?
Madeleine: Shawn. I left him.
Madeleine: I thought of all people that you would be okay. And I am so sorry.
Murder?… Anyone?… Anyone?… Bueller?
Shawn: Abigail Lytar.
Abigail Lytar (Rachael Leigh Cook): Judd Nelson.
Shawn: In the flesh.
Abigail: I loved you in From the Hip.
Shawn: Did you see that?
Abigail: What, is somebody getting their lunch money stolen?
Shawn: I think it’s a little bigger than that.
Abigail: Oh wait, I get it. You guys are dating. You’re together. Everything makes sense.
Gus: We are not dating.
Shawn: Are you kidding me? He was voted most likely to succeed. He’s gonna date me?
Earlie (Chris Gauthier): Women. Absolutely nothing but heartache, man.
Neil: All they want is the ring, man. They won’t stop ’til they get the ring.
Shawn: Dude, I could not have said it better myself. Maybe clearer. But I agree. And just like you guys, I hope to kiss one. Someday.
Earlie: Exactly. you know, dude, you’re just like us. Marginally employed, single, never been married. I mean, you get it!
Henry: There’s so much crap. What is all this stuff?
Madeleine: It’s your life.
Henry: This is not my life.
Madeleine: Well it’s stuff from your life anyway. I boxed it all up because I figured one day you’d want to look at it again when you’re old and crotchety.
Henry: Yeah, well I just want to dump it all.
Madeleine: Which in your case would be today.
Lassiter seeing Mindy’s meds: Well that figures.
Henry: I think I’m going to take a look around. You wanna join me?
Madeleine: That depends. Do you have a hall pass?
Henry: Are you kidding? I used to own these halls.
Shawn: Assuming that Parker Stevenson had never been born, have you ever seen a very attractive man solve a crime before?
Abigail: I did see John Cusack prevent a jaywalking once.
Chief Vick: Where were you at, the prom?
Juliet: Why would you say that?
Chief Vick: Because you’re wearing a prom dress.
Chief Vick: Oh and by the way, whatever it is you’re really working on? You’re not getting paid for this.
Madeleine: Oh Henry, we must have done something right.
Henry: That was all you.
Daredevils!
Lewis (Brian Gross): I brought us the two new die hards you asked for.
Dutch the Clutch (Jeff Fahey): Man, already?
Shawn: Actually I’m Die Hard. He’s Die Harder. We have two other guys in our crew but they aren’t nearly as good as us.
Dutch: Well how the hell’d you do that so quick? Especially after what happened to that last bunch.
Gus: Excuse me. What happened to the last bunch?
Dutch: Well we can’t talk about it. For legal reasons. All I know is our attorney said it ain’t decapitation if the head don’t come off all the way.
Dutch: What’s the most dangerous thing you’ve ever done?
Shawn: We eat at Taco John’s with some frequency. So that puts us right there on the edge.
Dutch: Can’t nobody tell me I can’t do anything no more.
Gus: That’s gotta be the worst English I’ve ever heard.
Gus: You’re guilty of attempted patricide!
Shawn: And: you tried to kill your own dad.
Lewis: I never tried to kill anyone. You really think I’d hire detectives if I wanted to bump off my own dad? What kind of psychic are you?
Shawn: The kind that loves bees. And historical novels.
Lewis: You know what it’s like to have your father tell you not to follow in his footsteps?
Shawn: I wish.
Gus: You must be out of your damn mind!
Red: Well we had to see how fire retardant these suits were.
Gus: You didn’t know that before you tried to set us on fire?
Red: That’s what you’re getting paid for.
Shawn: Dutch, someone tampered with that gliding suit, the spirits are sure of it.
Dutch: That diving suit tore ’cause I bought it during the gliding suit boom in 1977. And that fall wouldn’t have killed me! Damn, one time I jumped out of a blimp, five hundred feet in the sky. Had a heart attack on the way down. Two hours later I was eating a BLT in a Red Robin. True story.
Dutch: What the hell are you doing here? I thought I fired your ass.
Shawn: I just came to apologize to you, Dutch.
Dutch: For what?
Shawn: I was wrong about you. All this time I thought you were the kid who shot milk out of his eye. You know, willing to do just about anything for attention regardless of how it affects the people around you. But that’s not the case, is it?
Dutch: Son, I’m getting tired of the sound of your gums flappin’.
Shawn: You’re all about family. Aren’t you, Dutch? You love them more than life. That’s why you’ve been trying to kill yourself. I sensed dark clouds above you. You’re terminally ill. I’m sorry man. It must be so scary knowing that you’re going to die especially when you’re all that your family has.
Shawn: Look, this is your last stunt for a while and that’s my fault. If this disease hits you before your next show, your family gets nothing. So I’m sure whatever your method is tonight, it’s foolproof.
Dutch: What are you gonna do now?
Shawn: Nothing. I’m not going to try and stop you. And I will not say anything if you go through with it. You have my word.
Shawn: Just let me leave you with this, Dutch. It doesn’t take a psychic to see how much people love you. Your son came to me and hired a psychic against his better judgment to keep you alive. And you don’t know this yet, but all he wants in the world is to be more like you. You go to your so or your wife—or anyone else on your crew for that matter—and you ask them which they’d rather have. Six more months with you. Or a million dollars. You know damn well what they’ll answer and they don’t have to think about it for a second.
Dutch: Is that right?
Shawn: True story.
Dutch: You’re wrong. I was the kid in class who shot milk out of his eye. And I was damn good at it.
The Greatest Adventure in the History of Basic Cable
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, now by my estimation you may be in some serious trouble here, so I am going to ask you this once: where’s the gold?
Henry: It’s not quite as simple as that.
Shawn: Right. If we were to really answer that question we’d have to go back quite awhile.
Chief Vick: How long?
Shawn: About twenty years.
About Twenty Years Ago
Kid: Your dad’s awesome!
Young Shawn: I know.
Kid: I’m so glad my dad didn’t come. I mean I don’t even know what a manager of debt consolidation does anyways. Except drink.
Jack (Steven Weber): Kids, my big brother Henry is absolutely right. This is not real gold. But it is real chocolate!
Shawn: Dude, a hose? Really? What were you gonna do, give him a high colonic?
Gus: Shut up, Shawn!
Jack: No no no no no, I get it. You bust in here, you blind them with water and then you make your move!
Jack: It seems like only yesterday I was bringing you kids to the track and we were betting the ponies.
Gus: I was the only eight-year-old kid who knew what a trifecta meant.
Jack: I guess you are wondering why I came back. {dramatic pause} I want you to help me find Bouchard’s treasure.
Henry: Come on, not that again, Jack. I hate to break it to you, little brother, but Bouchard’s treasure does not, has not and will not ever exist. It’s a pipe dream.
Shawn: Don’t listen to him, Uncle Jack. He’s a dream killer.
Jack: I understand his frustration. All those years listening to me drone on about the treasure thing, and not even a semblance of proof. I get it. One thing confuses me though. If it is just a figment of my imagination, {produces a map} where’d I get this?
Jack: Okay, now here’s the plan. Everything we find, we split fifty-fifty.
Gus: That’s after we donate most of it to a museum, right?
Jack: We are so going to do that, Gus.
Jack: Technically, there’s something I haven’t told you about the whole map.
Shawn: Uncle Jack! This is a pretty big thing to leave out!
Jack: Yeah, I know, I know. It’s a long story. A one-legged woman, bottle of Cutty Sark. The point is, the missing part of the map is the first step of the hunt.
Chief Vick: Here you go, Mr. Guster. This is all they had in lost and found in your size.
Gus: An Ugg boot? I can’t wear an Ugg boot with— {she glares at him} It’ll be dope with my one Puma.
Chief Vick: Now, Mr. Spencer—
Shawn and Henry: Yes.
Chief Vick: Oh, I meant the older— Sorry. Not old. Less—
Shawn: Handsome. Less hair? Less friends on Facebook?
Henry: Less nose.
Shawn: Oow!
Jack: Okay, guys. ready? Now all we gotta do is borrow a car. Now technically, the term is “hot wiring.” However—
Andres Candelaria: Hello Mr. Spencer. I believe you know why you are here.
Shawn: And I believe you know I know why I’m here. Now. Why am I here?
Andres Candelaria: To help us find the treasure.
Disco Didn’t Die. It Was Murdered!
Shawn: Sorry, Chief. I got roped into doing a silly interview with the Independent. They’ve been calling and begging for weeks and I finally relented.
Reporter: You called me.
Shawn: And you called me back. Which means we’re both right. The important thing is you got your cover story.
Reporter: Actually, it’s page 64.
Shawn: It really depends how you fold it, doesn’t it?
Chief Vick: It goes without saying, Mr. Spencer, that your father is in no way to participate in this investigation. He’s no longer on the force and his meddling could compromise the case in court. Do I make myself clear?
Shawn: Yes you do, Chief. What isn’t clear is why people always say “it goes without saying” yet still feel compelled to say the thing that’s supposed to do without saying. Doesn’t that bother you?
Chief Vick: No! And frankly I could care less.
Gus: Now that’s the one that bothers me. Why do peopel say, “I could care less” when they really mean “I couldn’t care less.”?
Chief Vick: You two realize I carry a gun. Right?
Gus: That was perfectly allocuted.
Pookie (Ted Lange): Officer Spencer. Long time no see. What brings you gentlemen to my establishment?
Shawn: Well, Mr. Pookie. {Gus giggles} As you may have heard, a judge recently overturned the conviction on the Eugene Franks case.
Pookie: Maybe I heard, maybe I didn’t.
Shawn: Right. Well we’re looking for information on a few people that might used to run with old Eugene.
Pookie: Sorry, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Henry: Alright alright. I know how this works. Gus, get the other sock. Give him some money.
There Might Be Blood
Commander Barbara Dunlap (Jane Lynch): What are you two doing here?
Shawn: Not eating candy, I can tell you that.
Commander Dunlap: My orders for you were to stay put and do nothing.
Shawn: Really? That wasn’t reverse psychology?
Commander Dunlap: We need to find Spencer and see what else he’s figured out.
Chief Vick: Lead the way.
Commander Dunlap: Yeah?
Chief Vick: Yeah.
Ashley: I feel sick.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re going to get through this together. Probably over dinner. I’m thinking tapas but I could be talked into Greek.
Gus: Shawn!
Commander Dunlap: Okay, enough. The painfully cute mugging’s starting to get on my nerves.
Gus: What are you, Entertainment Weekly?
Shawn: So I take it the sibling rivalry’s back on.
Vick: Oh it’s on. And I am so winning.
Talk Derby to Me
Chief Vick: Did you break somebody’s nose?
Juliet: Yes, I did. Thank you.
Lassiter: Let me in on this.
Shawn: Sure Chief. Lassie seems like a smart choice. We know he’s a demon on wheels and of course he’s so very good with women.
Chief Vick: Under the circumstances I might consider you, Carlton. But you’re never more obvious than when you’re undercover. Perhaps you’ve forgotten then prosthetic nose debacle of 2005.
Shawn: It’s okay! It’s alright. My name is Shawn Spencer, this my partner… I can’t believe I’m blanking. I’ve done this a million times.
Gus: Nice work.
Credit Dept Woman: Office. Code Blue.
Shawn: It’s okay. We’re not here to rob you.
Credit Dept Woman: Your buddy stole the clothes right off the mannequin.
Gus Walks Into a Bank
Commander Cameron Lutz (Gary Cole): Heads up, we’re on the clock.
Shawn: And cut. Great. Dripping with swagger. Let’s go again though and maybe ease up on the cocksure smile, just a bit. I liked it, I’m just not sure it’s going to play in the Midwest.
Lutz: Who the hell are you?
Shawn: Oh, my apologies. I’m Shawn Spencer. Lead psychic of the SBPD. And dilettante of shadow puppetry.
Shawn: Chief. Elder Commanding Officer Lutz. You need to let me get involved here. You need to let me scope things out.
Chief Vick: Absolutely not. You’re not a trained tactical officer, Spencer.
Lutz: Are we positive he’s even house trained?
Shawn: Alright, Phil. I am just as mad about this as you are. Why don’t you let me go out there and make it right. On the way back in I’ll have them throw in a couple liters of Old Fashioned Root Beet and some Cinna Stars. They look like Cinna Dots, just, they’re pointy. They’re good. They’re not great, but I can get them free of charge. I’ll be right back. {he goes to leave}
Phil Stubbins (Alan Ruck): You’re not going anywhere. You’ve just become my next hostage.
Shawn: I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a list of demands that you can give to Lutz.
Phil: Demands?
Shawn: Yeah, we’re gonna call out there and you’re just going to read these off to him.
Phil: “My Demands. By Phil. An airplane to take me wherever I want. Tour bus, blue, with a full tank of gas. And groupies.”
Shawn: That’s non-negotiable.
Phil: Five thousand dollars in unmarked bills. This is a huge list. what if they won’t give me any of this stuff?
Shawn: I don’t expect them to, Phil. It’s just to buy us time until we can figure out who in here has put you up to this.
Phil: “A zipline pulley system used to transport deliciously flavored snacks and such from one location to another.” What is this?
Christmas Joy
1988
Present Day
Six Feet Under the Sea
April MacArthur: Gentlemen. I’m going to need to see you for a moment.
Gus: Great. Now you got me kicked out of a funeral. Nice. Just add it to the list. Kicked out of a pet store, kicked out of Santa’s Village, kicked out of the Salvation Army—
Shawn: Dishonorably discharged.
April: Okay, this is it.
Shawn: What is there like a hidden door in the rock wall?
April: No.
Gus: You said you could get us in.
April: Yeah, I can give us a boost. The electrified security fence is broken here. Unless they fixed it.
Chief Vick: Breaking and entering?
Shawn: It was really just entering. Climbing and entering. We had the code. Is that a backstage pass?
Chief Vick: I had third row center at Phill Collins tonight. And I get called back here because my department psychic wanted to break into an aquarium to feed some fish?
Shawn: That is not entirely true.
Chief Vick: Then why were you wearing swim trunk and caring a How to Ride a Dolphin pamphlet?
Roger: So what are you guys doing out here?
Shawn: Oh, you know. Just, ah, hiding from sharks. Yeah, we heard that they can see you if your lights are on, so we kicked ours off.
Roger: That’s not how sharks work at all.
Shawn: Regular sharks! Of course. Right. But we heard there was an infestation of genetically altered shark-like beasts… here… in this area of the water. They can smell the light.
Gus: They also type.
Shawn: True.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Not well. But they’re sharks.
Randy Labayda (Ted McGinley): Burn the disks!
Spriggs: Is this you, boss?
Randy: Destroy the footage. Take a vacation in Mexico for at least a week. Think you can do that?
Spriggs: I can’t get to the footage right now, chief.
Randy: Why not?
Spriggs: Because your two hair analysts are reviewing it right now.
Randy: I— I don’t have a hair analyst. Who set that up?
Spriggs: Oh crap.
April: Listen, I don’t know if this is the right time to ask, but what about Shawn?
Juliet: What about him?
April: I don’t know. Something intriguing—odd. It’s refreshing. I was thinking of letting him know that I’m available. And all that. What do you think?
Juliet: I… don’t know.
April: Is there a problem?
Juliet: No! There’s no problem.
April: Listen, Shawn, I asked them for you but they don’t really allow people to ride dolphins.
Lassie Did a Bad, Bad Thing
Shawn: Chief, we need to speak.
Chief Vick: No, we don’t.
Shawn: The spirit world is abuzz and my psychic vibes indicate—nay, insist—that Lassiter did not shoot Chavez.
Gus: I mean we all knew that he would shoot somebody someday.
IA: So you think he’s capable of it?
Shawn: No, he doesn’t. At most Lassiter would plant evidence.
Dremer: Shut up.
Shawn: I like the sound of my own voice and I won’t apologize for that.
Earth, Wind and… Wait for It
Chief Vick: Who gave you access to the file room?
Shawn: Irrelevant! And immaterial.
Lassiter: Chief, you’re not going to let him do that thing where he only uses courtroom jargon, are you?
Chief Vick: If Mr. Spencer—
Shawn: He is making a mockery of these proceedings! All I am saying is that she is making a very compelling argument.
Morgan Conrad: You’re an idiot.
Shawn: That’s less compelling. Move to strike.
Conrad: In case you missed it, Detective, this is my “I told you so” face.
Shawn: Which is kind of hard to distinguish from your “I thought this was going to be a new episode of Law & Order but turns out it’s a repeat” face.
Fire Chief Dan Trombly (Bruce McGill): What is this, Halloween?
Shawn: Why, you got some candy?
Lambert: Wait, are you a fairy?
Shawn: Hardly. I’ve seen Little Darlings like elevent times. But I am a male Wiccan.
Lambert: You’re not Wiccan.
Shawn: I’m level eight, Jack. I’d be level nine if it wasn’t for my season allergies.
Any Given Friday Night at 10pm, 9pm Central
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we need you to psychically tell us who belonged to this foot. {Gus ducks into another room, clearly freaked out}
Juliet: Does he know that’s where they keep the bodies for identification?
Shawn: I think he’s figuring that out right now.
Chief Vick: So what can you tell us?
Shawn: It’s weird. The lower extremities give off very very intense psychic vibes. For instance, the pinkie toe is tell me that he went to the market.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, we have to assume that we were meant to find this foot. Which means we’re dealing with a psycho. I’m gonna position this case as a possible murder investigation. I can only keep this foot thing quiet for a day or two. I don’t want to panic the community.
Shawn: You’re saying you think this thing might cause quiet a stink? {Jules and Lassiter roll their eyes and walk off} Alright, well I just feel like a heel. {Chief Vick follows} That was callus.
Adam: I never heard of you before. You said you played in Tampa?
Shawn: Tel Aviv. Israeli Arena League. We didn’t play on the Sabbath so you’ve probably never seen me.
Shawn: Vlad’s body. It’s dark, it’s murky. His voice is a little, ah…
Gus: Warbly.
Shawn: That’s right. Like it’s calling to me from underwater. Maybe a river or a stream. Perhaps a—
Lassiter: Lake? Yeah, we pulled up Vlad’s body an hour ago.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, looks like you’re a little late to the game this time.
Lassiter: What, no witty retort? No reference to some obscure eighties film? Wow. O’Hara, write this down.
Truer Lies
Ryan Bainsworth (Jonathan Silverman): Wait, that guy. The one with the great hair. He can vouch for me. I think we worked together at Busch Gardens one summer. Yeah, we made funnel cakes.
Shawn: Oh look, Gus. He must have gotten me confused with another man with great hair.
Ryan: And the white guy. I know him too.
Chief Vick: I’m not having a conversation with your pinkie.
Ryan: I know who, what, when and where.
Gus: Come again?
Shawn: Ryan, that’s everything we need to know. That’s all of it. Why didn’t you just say that in the first place?
Ryan: Because no one would let me.
Shawn: That’s true, Gus. That’s very true.
Gus: Yeah I got that, Shawn. Just go ahead Ryan.
Ryan: The time was ten o’clock.
Shawn: Ten o’clock.
Ryan: To four thirty.
Shawn: Four thirty.
Gus: A six hour window? What, do your killers work for the cable company?
Lassiter: What’s going on, Spencer?
Shawn: Ryan and I spent some time in the psychic sweat lodge. {Lassiter looks disturbed} Towelled.
Ryan: Fully.
Tuesday the 17th
Annie watching a scary movie: That’s what you get for being a harlot, thank you very much.
Shawn: Yeah yeah. It’s my Rick Astley pinata. I think it’s dead.
Gus: Rick Astley? That’s what that thing is supposed to be?
Shawn: Oh come on. You sound like the judges. Look at it! It’s painfully obvious, even now.
Gus: It looks more like Ann Margaret.
Shawn: What?
Jason Cunningham (Mackenzie Astin): I had it narrowed down to Eric Stoltz or Boris Becker.
Shawn: I don’t say this very often, but it sounds like one for the proper authorities.
Jason: Are you kidding? I call the cops and the press gets ahold of this, they’ll go crazy.
Chief Vick: Can I help you, Detective?
Lassiter: Just thought I would brighten the place up a bit.
Chief Vick: Wow. What a wonderful sentiment for you to buy these for me.
Lassiter: Actually I bought four just to have options, but these were by far and away the worst ones. They must be poisonous. I trid to give them to the lady down in fingerprinting, but it turns out she’s a man. From birth.
Lassiter: Here. You can choose between these two. They didn’t make the cut either. Be careful though, one of them’s expired.
Chief Vick: Um. May I ask what brought on this generosity?
Lassiter: Yes, you may. I have a very special dinner date this evening with my estranged wife.
Chief Vick: You’re reconciling?
Lassiter: Things have been pretty good between us lately. We’ve been friendly.
Irwin the Janitor: You’re all doomed!
Shawn: Alright, we’re outta here.
Gus: Shawn, stop it. He’s kidding. Look at him.
Shawn: Yeah. Clearly. He has a folksy sense of humor. The Garrison Keillor of Tikihama. Turn around before we get stabbed.
Gus: Is Jason around? We’re old friends of his.
Clive: I think he’s inside trying to figure out What’s Eating Gilbert Grape. Turns out it was a flesh-eating virus.
Shawn: Oh, I get it. You’re the funny guy.
Maître d’: may I help you sir?
Lassiter: I certainly hope so. I have a reservation under Carlton Lassiter and spouse.
Maître d’: Your reservation is for 7 pm.
Lassiter: That’s right.
Maître d’: It’s 5:20.
Lassiter: I’m a peace officer. I’m practiced in surveillance. I can remain motionless for eight hours if need be.
Maître d’: The bar is also open if you’d prefer to sit.
Lassiter: Oh! That’s good too.
Lassiter: Victoria!
Victoria (Justine Bateman): I was kinda nervous so I got here early.
Lassiter: Me too.
Jason: Who’s she?
Detective O’Hara.
Shawn: One of Santa Barbara’s finest. Both literally and figuratively.
Jason: Judas!
Shawn: Pardon me?
Jason: No cops! You gave me your word, Spencer. You ruined it.
Jason: You destroyed me! Iago! {he storms out}
Shawn: What does the parrot from Aladdin have to do with it?
Gus: You must be out of your mind if you think for one second I’m going out there. I’ve seen enough slasher movies to know that when a brother goes out to the woods, he doesn’t even sorta come back. {Clive laughs and Gus glares at him}
Clive: Sorry.
Shawn: LL Cool J made it all the way through Deep Blue Sea.
Gus: That was in the water, Shawn. With sharks. And Sam Jackson’s ass still got swallowed whole.
Shawn: So history repeats itself. You two are my least favorite tag team of all time.
Clive: Really? With Iron Sheik and Nikolai Volkoff on the table?
Shawn: Wow. You had to make that reference.
Lassiter: Here is something from a guy with nothing to protect. Heart on his sleeve and …
Victoria: Oh my god.
Lassiter: Don’t say anything. Just put it on, it is long overdue.
Victoria: This is… it’s just too much.
Lassiter: Well, I’ve been working some overtime lately, and sold some confiscated items on Craigslist. And of course that stimulus check, that certainly helped.
Victoria: There’s been a big mistake.
Lassiter: What? Did I do something?
Victoria: No, it’s me. I think, um… I think that I was not very clear about my intentions when I said that I needed to meet you.
Lassiter: What are these?
Victoria: That’s our divorce papers.
Billy: I guess this kills the game of strip cribbage I was trying to start.
Victoria: You know this has been coming for a long time.
Lassiter: Honestly. Let’s just skip this part. I signed ’em while you were in the bathroom.
Victoria: Really? Two years ago you would have thrown them in the fire.
Lassiter: Two years ago I would have lit them on fire and thrown them back in your purse.
Victoria: I will never stop loving you. Not completely.
Lassiter: Goodbye, Victoria.
Victoria: Goodbye, Carlton.
Jason: This is a disaster. I hire a psycho to work in my murder camp. What are the odds?
Clive: You see the man that died her twenty years ago was my father.
Shawn: Of course he was.
An Evening with Mr. Yang
1988
Present Day