American Duos
Juliet: What about Detective Lassiter?
Nigel St. Nigel (Tim Curry): Absolutely not. His hair looks like it’s been poured out of a cake mold.
Nigel St. Nigel: Bring on the next contestants. {Gus and Shawn walk in}
Lester Beacon: Presenting Shawn Spence-star and Gus TT-Showbiz. Good luck guys.
Lester: Really?
Nigel: Well. That was… something.
Shawn: Something awesome.
Emilina Saffron (Gina Gershon): Honestly, guys, bad news. Because this is going to hurt. Although I do love you’re style, because you both chose to wear purple. {Shawn looks at their non-purple attire}.
Chance Cade (Ben Cotton): Nigel just called us a curious cocktail of inbreeding and type two diabetes. But he passed us through anyway.
Shawn: That’s hitting below the belt.
Chance: Yeah. Well. Australian people are mean.
Lassiter: Great. Bride of Frankenstein. Have a seat.
Emilina: What am I doing here?
Lassiter: Well let’s see. Your trailer’s right next to Nigel’s, you hate him, and you can’t seem to account for your whereabouts for most of the last sixty days.
Emilina: That was a publicity stunt. The “weapon” was a forklift. And I was drunk on a spray bottle of Charlie.
Nigel: What is it with you and throwing things?
Emilina: Mr. Bean! Thank god it’s you.
Buzz McNab (Sage Brocklebank): Instant noodles, danish, Diet Coke.
Nigel: Took you long enough. I thought you were dead. You see what I’m reduced to? Instant food.
Buzz: I’ll take the noodles if you don’t want them.
Nigel: I feel like I’ve been incarcerated in a blueberry.
Gus: Shawn.
Nigel: This car makes me want to weep and then die.
Gus: Shawn!
Nigel: Good lord, who lives here? The Boringtons?
Shawn: There’s a better-than-decent chance this could go poorly.
Emilina: Come on, Count Chocula! I know you’re in there. Don’t make me pee on something. Again!
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): And who might this be, detectives?
Juliet: Meet Bevin Rennie Llewellyn.
Lassiter: Ms. Saffron woke up out of her sternum, rabbit-punched me in the sternum, and ID’ed this guy as her attacker.
65 Million Years Off
Chief Vick: Ah. Mr. Spencer. I’m surprised you didn’t take the Segue.
Shawn: She did know about that!
Chief Vick: O’Hara just told me.
Shawn: Traitor!
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, your antics have always been a little… let’s say, unorthodox. But let me be as frank as I can about my assessment of your most recent behavior: seek help.
Psy vs. Psy
1987
Mr. Petlic: I’d be hard pressed to believe that a child of Shawn’s age could be capable of such detailed forgery.
Henry: Well you don’t know my son. No offense, but you are the vice principal of a middle school, not a handwriting expert. That testimony’s not going to hold up in court.
Mr. Petlic: Look, we’re not talking court. … Are we? You know, because if we were, you should know that I did take a handwriting personality course at the learning annex last summer. And I can tell by the way you turn your n-humps that you have a very open and child-like kindness about you. {Shawn snickers} I could be off on that.
Present Day
Shawn: Wait a minute. You’re not Lassie.
Special Agent Lars Ewing (Lou Diamond Phillips): Well I don’t know what a Lassie is, but I’m not it. I’m Special Agent Lars Ewing with the FTD.
Shawn: You’re a special florist?
Agent Ewing: Federal Treasury Department.
Shawn: We have a department the deals exclusively with treasures?
Shawn: Waiting for Godot? Guffman? Waiting to Exhale?
Lindsay Leikin: I’m not waiting to exhale.
Shawn: Shawn Spencer.
Lindsay Leikin: Lindsey Leikin.
Lassiter: Is that a recording device? Government issue?
Agent Ewing: Asking me if that is a recording device is like asking me if this is a pen.
Lassiter: Is that a pen?
Agent Ewing: That’s classified.
Leikin: This is going to be good. I’m going to solve this case and I’m going to prove you’re a fake.
Juliet about the washing machine: That’s a really cute front loader.
Agent Ewing: Thank you.
Lassiter: Woah! Touchy. I don’t know how you do it in Washington, but here? You don’t disturb the body until Forensics has a chance to come in, collect some evidence.
Chief Vick: Lassiter, ease up. We’re lucky if our psychic doesn’t lick the body.
Agent Ewing to Juliet: So, ah, do you have a MySpace page or something?
Leikin: This is ridiculous.
Shawn: Is it? It’s not like I’m wearing a giant moose costume.
Zero to Murder in 60 Seconds
Shawn: Like I said, there’s still quite a few unanswered questions.
Wally (Malcolm Barrett): Well what can I say? You guys got me fair and square.
Shawn: That’s just it. What kind of chop shop artist steals a cop’s car and doesn’t chop it up? It’s almost like you wanted to leave a trail.
Wally: Leave a trail, don’t leave a trail. wouldn’t do any good. You guys caught me quick! Snap! Mind of a cheetah! I was like, “what?” Cops like, “wham!” Okay.
Wally: Guess I ended up with a better sentence than Jonny G did. {he points at his head} Irony.
Shawn: We still have a few questions. What do you know about a shipment of custom cars on its way to Arizona?
Wally: We were partners but Jonny G was involved in a lot of stuff I didn’t know about. If I asked questions, he’d be like, “None of y’all.” I’d be like, “Okay. Relegate.”
Wally: I was just a front man for the chop shop. And now I’m doing my time. But when I get out? Crime’s gonna be like, “Come out and play, Wally. Come on.” And I’ll be like, “No. Wally doesn’t live here anymore. Reassimilate.”
Shawn: I’m getting Michael Douglas. Catherina Zeta-Jones. The always under-appreciated Don Cheadle.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Female Student: Traffic!
Shawn: “Say hello to my little friend!”
Male Student: Scarface!
And Down the Stretch Comes Murder
1987
Young Jimmy Nicholas: Give it up, Spencer. Or I’ll shove a tuna nickel sandwich right in your grill!
Young Gus: I think it’s a knuckle sandwich.
Young Shawn: Okay okay.
Young Jimmy: And from the Kangaroos. {Shawn gets the money from his shoes}
Present Day
Shawn: Jimmy, what is it exactly you’d like us to do?
Jimmy Nickles: One of our friends from our old school told me about your company. Even though it sounds kind of gay, I thought I could hire you to come down to the track and maybe, ah, psychicly figure out what’s wrong with the horses.
Barry Saunder (Howard Hessman): Track’s closing down after this meet. Forty-five years I’ve been doing this.
Gus: Why is it closing down?
Barry Saunder: Well no one comes anymore.
Shawn: Is it because of his shirt? Sorry, Dad, but this is like a genocide of color. Somewhere in the world a rainbow is weeping.
Meat Is Murder, But Murder Is Also Murder
Shawn: Jules just called. We’ve got a case. We should go.
Gus: You know, Shawn. Maybe you should handle this one yourself. There’s a first time for everything.
Shawn: First time for… what are you talking about?
Gus: Sorry, Shawn. I can’t make it.
Uncle Burton (John Amos): Oh for cryin’ out loud, Burton. The cops are handing you a case. You’ve gotta take it. Gus: You’re the only psychic detective they’ve got.
Shawn: That’s very funny, I—
Gus: Don’t speak.
Juliet: Who’s this?
Gus: This is my uncle Burton from New Jersey. Shawn invited him.
Juliet: Very nice to meet you, Uncle… Burton?
Uncle Burton: His mom named him after me. It’s not a very common name but some of us still use it proudly.
Uncle Burton: This better be worth skipping dinner for.
Shawn: He’s a psychic wildebeest.
Uncle Burton: This psychic stuff can get a little wimpy, huh?
Shawn: At least he’s not doing it in a tutu and Capezios.
Shawn: Shelia E tomato bark! Velvety shark toast! Shark toast!
Chief Vick: Is there something wrong with you, Mr Spencer?
Lassiter: You picked today to ask him that?
Uncle Burton: I want to thank you for an incredible day, Burton. You’re a regular Rockford Files. {he shakes his hand, then leaves}
Gus: Did my uncle just thank me for an incredible day?
Shawn: More important question, how much TV does he watch?
Uncle Burton: Ask her some more questions. Maybe she’ll give us some cookies.
Gus: Do you remember this person’s name?
Mushroom Guy: Can’t say that I do. But I remember exactly what he looked like.
Gus: Can you give us a description?
Mushroom Guy: Yeah. Okay. The guy was about nine-feet-tall, right? He had sunshine coming out of his mouth, and he had a hippopotamous for a hand.
Gus: I don’t think I have any more questions.
Shawn: Yep. That’ll do it.
If You’re So Smart, Then Why Are You Dead?
Shawn: I’m sensing that he always takes you out for lunch. That he never pays with a credit card, always cash.
Daphne: That’s right!
Shawn: I’m also sensing that you can only call him at the office or on his cellphone. Never ever at home.
Daphne: That’s dead end. {to Gus} You must get goosebumps being around him.
Gus: I get something.
Shawn: Daphne, I have good news and bad news. The good news is he’s not seeing someone else. The bad news: he’s married.
Goddard: …to hack into a space probe to see if we could get it to blink a word in Morse Code.
Shawn: What word?
Both: Boobs.
Gus: You went through all that trouble just to get some NASA techs to scratch their heads?
Shawn: Come on, Gus. That’s kind of funny.
Shockley: The voice said something like, “I’m not going to be pushed into a corner again.”
Shawn: Are you sure it wasn’t dirty dancing?
Shockley: Guys. Can you help us?
Shawn: Is a lizard skin dry and cracked? {they confer}
Goddard: We believe that it is.
Shawn: Clearly we have to get inside. What’s our cover going to be? Wait, I’ve got it. {to Gus} You’re the preppy jerk who’s dating the girl I’m in love with. I’m the lonely cafeteria guy who mows lawns and has a heart of gold.
Gus: Let it go, Shawn. You can’t pass for a teenager.
Goddard: Yeah. He’s right. You’ve got rhytides around the eyes.
Shawn: What did he just say to me?
Shockley: Crows Feet. Do you squint or make funny faces a lot?
Shawn: He sounds like our guy. Now we just gotta figure out how and why he’s gonna kill somebody.
Hahn: And one more thing: if you are late picking me up in the morning I will tear your head off.
Shawn: Maybe just the how.
Goddard: Any leads? I’m adapting this into a Nancy Drew fanfic.
Shockley: We made notes for you. Bullet points you might wanna try and hit. Don’t show any fear.
Goddard: Don’t split any infinitives.
Shockley: Don’t dangle your participles.
Gus: At least not in public.
Shawn: Look. If I understood what you guys were saying… I’d still be a virgin.
Goddard: You two aren’t really acquainted with game theory or prisoner’s dilemma, are you?
Juliet: Hm?
Shockley: He means you two don’t really get the good-cop-bad-cop diad.
Goddard: This computer is ancient. I didn’t realize ColecoVision was still in business.
Rob-a-Bye Baby
Shawn: Look, Chief, with all due respect, I think our services are best utilized—
Chief Vick: Your services are best utilized by doing exactly what I say. You are not my first choice, Mr. Spencer. And I cannot stress how important this is. I. Need. Sleep.
Buzz McNab: Listen, I got a call about two creepy dudes hanging out on the playground.
Gus: Really? I haven’t seen anything. But I’ll keep my eyes open.
Shawn: We’ve just been here hanging out in the bushes. {beat} Oh boy.
Gus: What are your opinions on verbalizing the baby?
Nanny: Oh my god, never. That’s disgusting.
Lassiter: Happy baby gift! {he hands her a Club}
Chief Vick: Ah. Thank you?
Juliet about her gift: It’s a mini-rattle. And also a low-calorie breath freshener.
Bounty Hunters!
Byrd Tatums (Kevin Sorbo): Look, if I play my cards right, this is going to be my last run. I’m going to collect my fifty g’s and then I’m quittin’ the game. I’m retiring. {Shawn ducks behind Gus}
Gus: What?
Shawn: My bad. Usually when someone’s about to retire they get shot at.
Byrd about the wristcuffs: Oh and by the way, these don’t come in tiny. {he stalks off}
Shawn: We’ll just get a women’s large.
Juliet: Shawn, where are you guys? Let us send some black and whites.
Shawn: Gus, you want a black and white cookie? Catana, you want a cookie?
Tancana: Can’t eat wheat. Or yeast.
Tancana: Did he just wink at me?
Shawn: And you might have gotten away with it if it weren’t for your own greediness.
Cole: What greediness? I have all the money I need.
Shawn: Not greediness for money. Greediness for fabulous hair.
Tancana: The vest looks good!
Gus’s Dad May Have Killed an Old Guy
Shawn: The Christmas Spirits told me to give this {pulls out a toy rifle} to you.
Buzz: Oh my goodness. A Daisy Red Rider. I had noe of these when I was a kid. It was the reason I wanted to become a policeman.
Shawn: Well Merry Christmas from me and Gus.
Buzz: Thanks guys. {he walks off}
Gus: He’s gonna shoot his eye out.
Shawn: Yes he is.
Shawn: Speaking of smoked turkey, you know why Gus isn’t a smoker? Because when we were kids I made him smoke an entire pack of cigarettes and he discovered he hated the taste. Pretty good influence, if I do say so myself.
Winnie Guster (Phylicia Rashad): Probably what gave him asthma.
Bill Guster (Ernie Hudson): Probably what stunted his growth too.
Gus: I’m five ten and a half.
Mr. Guster: We hear you, son. We hear you.
Henry: Gus, you’re tall enough. Shawn, you’re an idiot. To be fair there’s lots of complicated causes for asthma.
Mrs. Guster: And how does this differ from the pet baptism business you had as kids?
Shawn: First of all, that was an LLC.
Gladys: You had the cutest little lawn mowing business.
Shawn: Wow! That’s right, we did.
Gladys: In fact, I think we paid you five dollars for a job that never got done.
Shawn: Oh, this guy!
Gladys: You know, the yard tools are out back. I’ll go get them.
Shawn: She’s not… she’s not serious? She is.
Gus: Whatever the cost is, I’ll cover it. Don’t worry about it.
Mr. Guster: We appreciate the gesture, Burton. But son, we’re talking real money.
Gus: You have a savings account and a penny jar. I have a401K. A diversified asset-allocated portfolio full of securities and equity to tap into.
Mrs. Guster: He’s always been so good with the big words.
There’s Something About Mira
Gus: What do you want from us?
Mace Rhoden: I was hired to find you. By your wife.
Shawn: One more time: piece of criticism. You haven’t mastered the investigative part either. Neither of us are married.
Lassiter: Chief, did someone score higher than me on the detective’s exam?
Chief Vick: I believe O’Hara did.
Shawn: So how long have you been working here?
Mira: Oh no no no. This is my family’s place. We have three wineries. This one, a new one in Napa and then there’s the one in Spain. Which of course I can’t go to because I punched a bull in Pamplona.
Mira: This is Gus.
David Gaffney (Obba Babatundé): Ah. Oh yes. Guster. So this is the young man that tricked you into marrying him, huh?
Mira: Yeah.
Mr. Gaffney: Typical. Mira, I need to speak to you. Gentlemen, only the first glass is free.
Shawn: I’ve often heard that’s he best way to savor wine. Just skip over the taste buds and go right for the gullet.
Phylis Gaffney (Telma Hopkins): I swear, if I have to deal with another tourist today my head is going to explode.
Mrs. Gaffney: You know, Shawn, I have very fine tastes. And I like my wine like I like my men. White and hairy.
Shawn: That didn’t make any sense. None. Whatsoever. But I can see where Mira gets her spunkiness.
Mira: He cheated on me and then he lied to me about missing the wedding and now he’s dead!
Gus: I know exactly how you feel.
Mira: Really?
Gus: Well, no.
The Old and the Restless
1987
Grandpa Spencer (Brian Doyle-Murray): Put that down. We’re not here to feed the birds. That’s just a cover to throw your dad off.
Young Shawn: Well if we’re not here to feed the birds, what are we here to do, Grandpa?
Grandpa Spencer: We’re here to girl watch. Everything they do is magical, mysterious. Your grandma was a lifetime of surprises.
Grandpa Spencer: Henry, do you have to drain the fun out of everything?
Henry: Dad, I want you to leave the raising of my son to me, alright?
Grandpa Spencer: Do me a favor, Shawn, sometimes you gotta let what your dad says float through the ears. Make your own choices. Don’t take life too seriously. Travel the world, meet interesting people. Have some adventures. Because one day you’re gonna wake up and realize your’e too old to do anything really fun.
Young Shawn: Yes Grandpa.
Present Day
Pamela: You two are brothers?
Shawn: Our father worked at Benetton.
Security Guard: I’ll be watching you.
Shawn: We’ll be getting watched.
Gus: You’re investigating this thing too?
Jervis Kent (Curtis Armstrong): Well of course I am! I have this theory based on formaldehyde and mind control.
Student: Doctor, we still have a lot of patients to see.
Shawn: Well five minutes isn’t going to kill them. {silence} Is it?
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, as always, it’s been an experience. You know where the exit is.
Lights, Camera… Homicidio
Jorge Gama-Lobo (Matt Cendeno): She hates me. She beat me up.
Gus: I hardly think there’s a woman capable of that.
Shawn: Bea Arthur?
Gus: I stand corrected.
Lance Rothstein (Saul Rubinek): I’m just going to the writer’s room, where it’s emotionally damaging but it’s physically safe.
Shawn: So this is where all the magic happens.
Director (Jay Brazeau): Yes. Smell the dream.
Lassiter: Who writes this crap?
Anita: The writers are all so colorful and brilliant. They’re wonderful with the brutal crimes. They are all some kind of geniuses, I swear.
Lassiter: Some kind of murder geniuses, maybe.
Lance: Shawn, this is so good for me. It’s like Hemingway, like Elroy. Steinbeck, Danielle Steel.
Shawn: Ethan Hawke.
Gus: Judy Blume.
Lance: Exactly! I can wallow in the harsh underbelly of prison life. You know, shake it up a bit with the riff raff.
Gus: Uh. The riff raff? This is the Santa Barbara jail, not San Quentin.
Shawn: It was written up in Fodor’s last year as a nice spa alternative.
Chief Vick: I don’t know a delicate way to put this. Miss Pascaretti has filed an interdepartmental harassment charge against you.
Juliet: What?! That’s outrageous!
Kelly: I had to! She cares too much. And her heart is too big for her chest.
Shawn: Eh…
Dis-Lodged
Irving Parker (Phillip Baker Hall): You know Carlton, it may be the rage talking, but if I had it to do over again, the day my Torrie came home with you, I would have told her to go right back out that door and come back alone. That’s what I should have done—
Lassiter: Alright, Irving, that’s enough.
Black and Tan: A Crime of Fashion
Shawn: Just check your list.
Doorman: Holy crap, it is you. Sorry for the mix-up, Tan.
Shawn: I beg your pardon? My name is Black. His name is Tan. I can’t believe you just made that assumption. You should be ashamed of yourself and your family.
Bryan Frou (Corey Sevier): You expect us to believe that you model?
Shawn: What, that’s hard to believe? What, me and by bro here aren’t worthy of leering into a camera lens or Blue Steeling it up occasionally?
Hassenfeffer (Jilon Ghai): Your bro? Of course. His features are immaculate. But you. Not so much.
Shawn: What? What are you, insane? Help me out here, Tan.
Gus: He’s a foot model.
Lassiter: You don’t remember where you were this afternoon?
Hassenfeffer: It was yellow. And boring.
Henry: The fish and chips is actually pretty good.
Susan (Amanda Pays): I’ve been craving meat lately.
Henry: In that case the prime rib is actually pretty good.
Susan pulling out a six-pack: BYOB. Help yourself.
Susan: Would you like me to butter your biscuit?
Henry: Excuse me?
Shawn (and Gus) of the Dead
Buzz: Hey, did you say you were looking for a Big Boy? Like a full-size?
Lassiter: It’s a prank. Or some sort of dare.
Sophie Morris Bridgewell: It’s a three-thousand-year-old mummy that’s missing, Officer.
Lassiter: It’s Detective. And it’s not like it was covered in gold. I mean he wasn’t a king or a prince or even a royal food taster. He’s just some guy, who happened to die, got himself wrapped up and was found in a pretty, cracked box. He probably mummified himself.
Sophie: The mummy disappeared in fifteen seconds or less and our main feed picked up none of it. This all cracks of something larger than petty crime. And not to sound too Shirley Maclaine, scream of something potentially… supernatural. This requires someone with skills beyond the normal person. I want him. {she points to a photo of Shawn}.
Lassiter: No you don’t.
Sophie: Yes I do.
Juliet: Do you think he’s up?
Sophie: We have a complex security system.
Lassiter: Which was due to be overhauled last spring.
Sophie: We pushed it back. We have a very abulic board of directors.
Lassiter: Good. I’d like to speak with each one of them as soon as the sun rises. Now if you’ll forgive us we have several high-profile cases that don’t involve archaic security systems and run-down buildings. O’Hara, put out an APB on the guard’s vehicle, look up the word abulic and meet us back at the station.
Chief Vick: What I have to say is very… difficult.
Shawn: If this in any way pertains to Lassiter’s third testicle, I’m afraid we already know.
Chief Vick: This is no time for jokes, Mr. Spencer.
Chief Vick: Effective Friday I am stepping down as chief.
Juliet: What?
Chief Vick: I’m leaving.
Juliet: You can’t do that! Do they know?
Chief Vick: Oh, they know.
Juliet: I will write a letter. I will start a petition. I will leak it to the reporter at the Mirror.
Chief Vick: O’Hara, please. Thank you. I appreciate the sentiment, but the die is cast.
Shawn: Chief, are you sure you don’t want to wait it out just a bit—
Chief Vick: No. Mr. Spencer.
Lassiter: So you’re saying the job is open? {Juliet smacks him}
Sophie: What’s wrong?
Shawn: He won’t break the plane of the mummy room.
Sophie: Why not?
Shawn: He’s afraid of being cursed.
Sophie: He’s not that far off base, really.
Shawn: Please don’t coddle him.
Gus: Fact: every one of those guys that unearthed Tut’s tomb. Cursed. They’re all dead now.
Shawn: Well of course they are. That was over eighty years ago.
Lassiter: I just need to go over a few bank records, see some papers and exhume your father’s body.
Mr. Wyles: What was that last one?
Lassiter: Ah, it’s just more of a technical detail than anything, exhuming your father’s body. I mean you wouldn’t even have to be there. I can have him back in eternal slumber by noon. {pause} 1:45 at the latest.
Shawn: Dude, he took the van!
Hannah: The mummy?
Gus: Great. Now we’ve got a mummy on the loose and the son-of-a-bitch knows how to drive a stick?
Wyles: What am I doing here?
Lassiter: You’ll find out soon enough and whatever it is I’m taking full credit.
Chief Vick: I’m the new chief.
Gus: Not interim?
Chief Vick: Don’t you dare call me that again.