1990
Young Gus: Why can’t I ever beat him?
Henry: ‘Cause you got no game, Gus. I’d stick to tapping.
Henry: Winners don’t need spots. You know what they need?
Young Gus: Steroids!
Henry: Nobody’s using that stuff, Gus. That’s just a rumor. I’ll tell you what they need, Shawn. They need a belief that they can be victorious no matter how tough the challenge. Now. {he tosses him the ball} Start believing. {Shawn goes for the shot and Henry bats it away}. Get that weak ass crap outta my face. This is my house!
Young Gus: Technically it’s the bank’s.
Henry: You’re never going to improve in life if you keep competing with people who stink. No offense, Gus.
Young Gus: None taken.
Henry: You gotta challenge yourself. If you don’t, complacency sets in. Bad things happen when you become complacent.
Present Day
Shawn: You’re one to talk, Mr. I Bought Win a Date with Tad Hamilton on DVD.
Gus: There were fifteen deleted scenes, Shawn. Fifteen.
Gus: You said you were going into the office last night to catch up on work.
Shawn: Which I did. Then I saw those beers in the fridge.
Gus: Our fridge doesn’t work.
Shawn: Yes, but 7-11’s does.
Shawn: I’ll take a baked good that I will be choosing momentarily and a latte that your fine establishment will be paying for once I nail the trivia question that you put on that board, just like I do every morning.
Mynka: Oh, except this one.
Shawn: I’m afraid your confidence reeks falser than your boyfriend’s ID. Which, FYI, I saw taped to the counter at 7-11.
Shawn: Ninety-seven!
Declan Rand (Nestor Carbonell): I actually believe it’s ninety-eight. Fenster dropped one after that line-up scene. Often gets mistaken for the word “gug.” Which isn’t even a word. But let’s be honest, it should be.
Shawn to Gus: What’s happening right here?
Mynka: He’s right. It’s ninety-eight.
Shawn: Who the gug is that guy?
Shawn: Alright, who are you? And why do you keep stealing my moments?
Declan Rand: I’m sorry. I’m Declan Rand, criminal profiler.
Lassiter: Right. Chief Vick said you’d be dropping by. I’m Detective Carlton Lassiter, my partner Juliet O’Hara and… {indicates Shawn} eh.
Shawn: “Criminal profiler.” Sounds like one of those job titles that only exists in cheesy TV shows.
Declan Rand: No argument here. What is it that you do?
Shawn: I’m a psychic detective.
Shawn: I was wondering if you’d like to be my date to a friend’s wedding on Saturday.
Juliet: Are you asking me out next to a dead person?
Gus: Told you!
Shawn: Yes. But I thought it would be okay since it doesn’t really smell.
Shawn: I really don’t like the cut of that guy’s jib, Gus. Something about him, what is it?
Gus: Let’s see. Smart. Knowledgeable of film. A crime-solving machine. He’s Shawn 2.0.
Shawn: Heyyy, Jooles.
Juliet: Why are you talking like that?
Gus: Sometimes he over-enunciates when he gets uncomfortable.
Shawn: I do not.
Shawn: Did you hear that?
Gus: Every ill-conceived word.
Chief Vick: All precinct resources will be made available to you including outside consultants.
Henry: Specifically we’ll be bringing in Psych because of their experience working with serial killers.
Shawn: We help them write and produce one-act plays on the weekend.
Gus: They’re usually very dark.
Henry: If you wanna hang with this guy, you’re going to have to up your game.
Declan: You’re highly intelligent, but you’re shameful of that fact so you play it down with the use of inappropriate behavior. And you live in fear of showing weakness so you hide behind a constant barrage of jokes and sarcasm.
Shawn: I agree. Not. Said the liar.
Declan: I’m not sure those two go together. “Said the liar” cancels “not” out.
Shawn: So’s your face.
Lassiter: Well done, Declan.
Shawn: “Well done Declan”? Since when do you use first names?
Lassiter: We need to track this girl down.
Shawn: Hey! I’m the one who came up with the list thing.
Declan: Good work, Shawn.
Shawn: Shut up, Declan.
Shawn: Tried to make some joe but our coffee maker’s busted.
Gus: We don’t have a coffee maker.
Shawn: Then what was I fiddling with for the last half-hour?
Gus: My humidifier looks nothing like a coffee maker!
Shawn: I’ll buy you a new one.
Gus: None of those stupid expressions are coming back.
Shawn: That’s what they said about Hammer pants.
Gus: Which never came back.
Shawn: Then why did I just buy three pair?
Gus: Because you’re an idiot.
Shawn: Because it’s Hammer Time!
Gus: It’s never Hammer Time, Shawn.
Declan: Are you sure we don’t want to ask her more questions? She was a precise match to my profile.
Lassiter: Your profile can kiss my big round white dumper, Declan. I do not enjoy pointing my gun at innocent women!
Juliet: You don’t?
Lassiter: No. I’m not twenty-nine anymore.
Chief Vick: That was good work, Declan.
Declan: Thank you. Thank you, Chief.
Juliet: Yes, good work, Declan. We never should have doubted you.
Shawn: Gug.
Gus: What you got?
Shawn: Three things. One: I’m not the only closet chick lit lover around here. Two: Declan is a complete fraud. And, H: He may just be our murderer.
Shawn: There is no record of Declan going there.
Gus: So the guy lied on his resume. If that makes someone a killer then you’re Ted Bundy.
Shawn: Look, Gus, this isn’t about me. Or the fact that I wasn’t really a background dancer in the Thriller video.
Gus: Once again we’re on the verge of trying to apprehend a potential killer without a weapon.
Shawn: Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me!
Declan: Yes?
Shawn: Why is there a man who looks exactly like Kurt Smith from Tears for Fears playing an acoustic set next to that tree and your swimming pool?
Declan: I’m sorry, I should have introduced you. Kurt, meet Shawn and Gus.
Kurt Smith: Afternoon, gentlemen.
Shawn: Oh dear god. It’s you. The real you. The fleshy you. I love you. Do you have any idea how much I love you?
Kurt Smith: I think I do now.
Shawn: You either tell her you’re a fake criminal profiler or I will.
Declan: You do that and then I’ll be forced to tell her you’re not a real psychic. {the music stops}
Shawn: A dramatic pause? Really? Come on, Kurt. That’s beneath you, man. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Declan: Oh come on, Shawn. I’ve been on to you since the beginning. Don’t forget we read the same books.
Shawn: Gus, let’s go have a conversation with our favorite weirdo.
Juliet: If you’re sitting on any other life secrets, now is the time to tell me.
Declan: Okay. I’m really rich.
Juliet: Okay I can deal with that.
Gus: This sucks. I can’t believe I’m single again.
Shawn: You know who can? Anyone who met you eight days ago.