1990
Chief Herb Wilkins: Henry. You screwed up.
Henry: With all due respect, I got the guy.
Chief Wilkins: He had a partner.
Henry: I’ll get him too.
Chief Wilkins: You’re a detective now. The stakes are higher.
Present Day
Chief Wilkins: Okay, you come and get me. I’ll squeeze the coward out of both of you!
Henry: You know who the victim is, don’t you?
Shawn: Santa Barbara’s oldest lobsterman?
Henry: No, Shawn. Herb Wilkins. Best chief this department’s ever had.
Shawn: Well here’s the good news. Looks like he lived eight or nine decades before he met his maker.
Henry: I’m going to ask you to be respectful here.
Shawn: And I will politely decline. Come on, Dad, I’m kidding. Alright, I get it.
Shawn: Who are the old guys?
Henry: Boone and Peters. Veterans of the SBPD. Worked under Herb for many many years. Volunteers these days. These guys are legends.
Shawn: So are leprechauns but you don’t see them rolling out crime tape.
Shawn: I’m having a clear vision on a cloudy day! Herb Wilkins did not—
Don Peters (William Devane): Kill himself.
Shawn: Thank you. Mr. Peters, is it? If it’s all right with you I’d like to continue. My name is Shawn Spencer. I am the psychic detective for the—
Floyd Boone (Carl Weathers): Psychic? Son. We don’t mess with the Devil. Now you better ride that goat with someone else.
Shawn: The Devil? Really?
Shawn: Sir, I am doing my best to respect your legacy and your wisdom, the many World and Civil wars that you’ve both seen and perhaps fought in.
Shawn: He was killed at another location, TBS.
Gus: It’s TBD, Shawn.
Shawn: What’s TBS?
Gus: The Super Station.
Shawn: Is it really though?
Lassiter: You know, I’ve never named my gun. How about Mr. Thunderstick? {Juliet shakes her head}
Shawn: So once upon a time they were good cops. I have a gift, Gus. And you have me. Besides, we’re both young. And viral.
Gus: It’s virile, Shawn.
Shawn: The point is, it’s a couple of old tortoises versus two young swift hares.
Gus: The tortoise won the race.
Shawn: Only because he was tired.
Gus: That makes no sense, Shawn.
Peters: Stay in the background. I’ll try not to embarrass you this time.
Shawn: I can embarrass myself just fine on my own.
Peters: You got that right, Rick.
Shawn: Mr. Peters, sir, is there something about me that rubs you the wrong way? Perhaps my strong hairline. Or muscular haunches?
Peters: You and your sidekick are untrained pests. Floyd and I have very little patience with your malarkey, shenanigans or tomfoolery.
Shawn: The big three.
Boone: You looking for a handout?
Gus: I’m just being cordial.
Boone: You’re eyeballing my watch.
Gus: It’s a Casio.
Boone: You just proved my point, slick fingers.
Shawn: We should avoid Boone and Peters until we have something juicy.
Gus: And then throw our something juicy in their faces.
Shawn: Rotten peaches.
Gus: What! Where are we going to get peaches?
Shawn: Mmmmm. But I really like that idea.
Gus: Me too. But I think we should get fresh peaches and eat them instead.
Shawn: Right in front of them.
Gus: Should we step in?
Shawn: It’s just a little tiff, Gus. Besides, there are no bullets in that gun.
Gus: How sure are you?
Shawn: One in six chance.
Gus: Those are the exact odds, Shawn.
Peters: Well. The palm reader. And that guy who looks like a young Lawonda Page decided to join us.
Gus: Lawonda Page? From Sanford and Son?
Boone: Damn right. Without that hair cut you look just like her.
Shawn: You do have a little Lawonda in the eyes.
Gus: Shut up, Shawn.
Shawn: Please tell me we don’t look like that when we do our thing.
Gus: That’s exactly how we look.
Shawn: Can we be heard that clearly when we turn around and whisper?
Gus: I sure hope not.
Shawn: Did he just throw a loafer at me!
Gus: It was a Magnanni slip-on.
Shawn: What?
Gus: What? I know my loafers, Shawn. And I won’t apologize for it.
Shawn: Do we sound like that?
Gus: That’s exactly what we sound like.
Henry: These drugs are still just circumstantial.
Chief Vick: Agreed. But this is starting to paint a worrisome picture.
Juliet: I just got a confirmation that Herb withdrew fifty thousand dollars from his savings account three days ago in cash.
Lassiter: Presumably to buy this surplus of nose candy.
Juliet: Evidence points to a drug hit.
Chief Vick: This is bad. This is really bad.
Juliet: Detectives, we know that you’re hurting right now, so if you need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out to us.
Boone: You really mean that?
Juliet: I do.
Boone: You mind picking up my duds? They’ll be ready at five sharp.
Juliet: No. But I’ll pick your teeth up off the floor if you ask me that again. {Boone walks off} What could he possibly need dry cleaned?
Shawn: We don’t care what Herb was up to. Put our differences aside and work together on this, okay? Between the four of us we’ve got what? Over three hundred years of crime fighting under our belts. What do you say? We’re the apples, you’re the oranges.
Peters: We’ve gotta be the same fruit!
Shawn: How about grapples?
Boone: I do love a good grapple, Don.
Peters: Okay, it’s a deal. We’re the grapples.
Chief Vick to Peters: You’re both fired. You’re off this investigation.
Shawn: Well, them’s the breaks. Sometimes you gotta make the tough decisions.
Chief Vick: Oh, you’re fired too, Spencer. You’re all off this case.
Shawn: Gus, you’ve been watching these old geezers from the start.
Gus: So?
Shawn: You know damn well he took more than just menus. These guys are crafty. Boone was wily.
Shawn: What’s the plan?
Peters: Well. We could sneak through a window and start a grease fire in the bathroom.
Boone: Do it Shawn and Gus style.
Gus: We could.
Shawn: What was the Bark and Mark again?
Shawn: Take Gus! He can pass for Omar Epps in restaurants.
Gus: Take Shawn! Trust me, you’ll feel better about yourself in comparison.
Boone: Nice job, detective.
Juliet: Thank you.
Shawn: Man. Think we’ll still be able to knock dudes out when we’re in our sixties?
Gus: We can’t knock dudes out now.
Shawn: I hear that.
Chief Vick: Let me start by saying that everyone did an incredible job today. And the fact that I fired all four consultants and they went ahead and pursued this case anyway is something I’m choosing to forget.
Boone: I’d be honored to take you in, Gus, if you got no parents.
Gus: That’s… very kind of you, Boone. But I do have parents. And I’m in my thirties so… I think I’m good.