1989
Henry: Ready?
Young Shawn: I was born ready, Dad.
Henry: Actually you were born breach, son. Took hours to get you out. But I appreciate the enthusiasm.
Present Day
Shawn: Big win for the team. Well-played, all of you. Let’s not forget that our valiant opponents also played a heckuva ball game. Respect, Haircut Hut.
Gus: I don’t know why you’re giving the victory speech, Shawn. You almost cost us the game today.
Shawn: What are you talking about? I had five hits.
Juliet: You also overthrew third base five times.
Shawn: Alright, look. I know you’re all thinking it so here goes. I am suffering from a mental block. It goes all the way back to my youth. It’ very common amongst highly-skilled athletes and international men of leisure. They call it the Yips.
Lassiter: They should call it the Sucks.
Shawn: Excuse me? I still haven’t gotten my pizza chili cheese fries. Also known as the Shawn Spencer. Not that you’d recognize them as such, seeing as how this establishment refuses to call them that, even though I order them six times a week.
Jenny the Server: I brought you the fries, sir.
Shawn: If you brought them to me, I think I’d know. Because I’d be experiencing both euphoria, and a burning sensation in the neighborhood of my colon.
Shawn: The guy at the door has a gun! We need to make a plan. There’s a Louisville Slugger on the wall. We can crack the glass, use it to symbolize you’re packing.
Lassiter: Move. {he starts firing} Police. Freeze, douchebag!
Shawn: I’m getting some serious voodoo that the hooded man didn’t come in here to rob the restaurant.
Juliet: Then what was he doing?
Shawn: He wanted to kill someone.
Lassiter: He wanted to kill someone. Who?
Shawn: One of us.
Lassiter: Your hypothesis is crap. Who walks in to a known cop bar to kill a cop. Makes no sense.
Shawn: Fact—
Lassiter: You say that again, I’ll punch you in the face.
Shawn: Truuuth. There was only forty-two dollars in the cash register.
Chief Vick: I’m not using public funds to help you overcome your mental block of overthrowing first base.
Shawn: Would it help if I told you I’m also pee shy?
Shawn: I need you to suspend your disbelief and hop on board the Streetcar Named Shawn-sire.
Gus: Dude, you know how that metaphor makes me uncomfortable.
Gus: Mashed potatoes? Really?
Shawn: This is actually kind of fun. Did you want to scoop out the last lesbian?
Chief Vick: Lassiter, do you have any idea who’d want to shoot you?
Lassiter: A lot of people want to kill me. I take great pride in that.
Gus: Why didn’t we stay inside the shoe store?
Shawn: I told you, I get freaked out by tassels.
Shawn: Look at that. Lassie’s getting some press.
Gus: Good for him. He deserves it.
Shawn: Fifty bucks to the guy who can get on camera the most.
Gus: You’re on.
Shawn: What purpose do tassels serve on shoes, Gus?
Gus: I don’t know.
Shawn: I do. Evil.
Salamatchia: I recognize you.
Shawn: Yes sir. We’re both listed on the Petrovich case.
Gus: No we are not!
Shawn: I’m not gonna lie.
Gus: Since when?