1989
Henry: Shawn, what in blue blazes is going on? You’re up on the roof in this weather?
Young Shawn: Nothing, Dad. Me and Gus were just practicing basejumping. It’s the newest thing in extreem sports.
Henry: Are you crazy? You could get yourself seriously hurt or maybe even killed doing something like this.
Young Shawn: Don’t worry, Dad.
We made lifesize replicas of ourselves to make sure the shoes would work.
Young Gus: Mine’s over there. We’ve made improvements since then.
Henry: Basejumping? Shawn there’s no way I’m going to let you do something that risky.
Young Shawn: But Dad!
Henry: But nothing. As long as you live in my house you follow my rules.
Young Shawn: One day I won’t be living in your house and then I’ll be able to take any risk I want. What about that?
Henry: Okay. When you and Gus are thirty years old then you can go out and be as wild and reckless as you want.
Present Day
Gus: Shawn the thing is you have a tendency to scare my girlfriends away.
Shawn: What, because I ask a few simple questions?
Gus: You asked one girl if she knew the answer to the riddle of the Sphinx.
Shawn: And? Bullet dodged. You’re very welcome.
Gus: You only knew that because you saw it on Superfriends.
Shawn: She had the same opportunity to see that episode, Gus.
Ruby (Sarah Shahi): Might I say that you and Gus have one of the most rich and fulfilling friendships I’ve ever seen.
Shawn: We’re like Andi and Ducky. With just a tad of Mary-Kate and Ashley.
Gus: Ruby passed the test.
Shawn: Of course she was good at the pet store. She was prepared.
Shawn: We thought you guys were having a picnic, you know, because it’s lunch time.
Stu: It’s three o’clock in the afternoon.
Shawn: Let me explain. Lunch for us starts ten minutes after breakfast ends, goes ’till ten minutes before dinner starts. Unless of course we just combine the two, in which case we have “linner”.
Gus: And then there’s “dessinner”. Which is dessert and dinner.
Shawn: I can you that Jessica here is a bit of a free spirit. Single, but looking. And not afraid to make the first move.
Ruby: Nice. How’d you know that?
Shawn: She’s tickling my ass.
Shawn: Gus. May I have a word with you in the “Stop saying crazy things to Ruby” room, please?
Juliet: Stu and his business partner Brian Samson just filled for bankruptcy.
Shawn: Samson. That’s just a great name. Straight out of film noir. A old detective who drinks, loves even harder. Or, go with her: Samson. A tiny little orphan mouse who must find his way home from Wolverhampton.
Gus: Or Samson, the legendary figure from the Bible?
Shawn: Naw, that doesn’t work. All those guys had names like Ben Hur and Promethesus.
Gus: You have never read the Bible have you, Shawn?
Shawn: Genesis. Exorcist. Leviathan. Deu… the right thing.
Gus: Oh my god.
Henry: How much have you had to drink?
Shawn: More than a little and less than a lot. But I make sense, don’t I?
Ruby: We’re in a trust circle, Gus.
Gus: No. No. I want out of the trust circle.
Ruby: There are no doors in the trust circle, Gus.
Gus: What about Shawn?
Ruby: That would be a trust triangle. Don’t make things more difficult than it already is, okay?
Shawn: This is me. I am your partner and your best friend and we are not supposed to keep secrets from each other.
Gus: I know, Shawn. But it’s complicated.
Shawn: No! Math is complicated. The show It’s Complicated was complicated. The song Complicated by Avril Lavigne— ironically, not, not very complicated.