1986
Santa Barbara, CA
Henry Spencer (Corbin Bernsen): How many hats?
Young Shawn (Josh Hayden): Come on, Dad!
Henry: Shawn, you want a piece of cake. How many hats are in the room?
Young Shawn: Does a beanie count?
Henry: What do you think?
Young Shawn: Three.
Henry: Describe them.
Young Shawn: That’s not fair!
Henry: Time’s almost up, Shawn.
Waitress: That’s amazing.
Henry: It’s adequate. Get him his cake.
Waitress: I guess I know what you’re going to be when you grow up.
Young Shawn: Oh. I’m never going to grow up, ma’am.
2006
…still Santa Barbara
Waitress: You didn’t tell me you were a cop.
Shawn Spencer (James Roday): Oh no no no. Definitely not a cop. Does that disappoint you?
Waitress: I just thought you might have handcuffs.
Shawn: Oh I definitely have handcuffs.
Shawn: So which questions might those be?
Carlton “Lassie” Lassiter (Timothy Omundson): Oh I don’t know, like “Where were you the night of the last robbery?”
Shawn: I was robbing the stereo shop. {silence} I wasn’t. I don’t know, I guess I was doing the same thing you were doing: not solving crime.
Shawn: Woah woah woah. I gave you the guy.
Lassiter: He had a partner.
Shawn: I have to find that guy? I’m confused. When do you start chipping in?
Shawn: Don’t you try and trivialize police work.
Lassiter: I think you’re doing a bang up job of that yourself.
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Just give us a reason, Mr. Spencer. That’s all we need. How did you get this information?
Lassiter: No! It is too late for that. Officer Allen, book him!
Shawn: Book— ? Oh come on, cuffs? For the walk back to the lobby?
Lucinda (Anne Dudek): Or you could give us a plausible explanation.
Shawn: I— Okay! Okay. Fine. You win. I got the information because… I am a psychic.
Lassiter: Get him out of here!
Desk Sergeant Allen: Please. Feel free to call anytime.
Shawn: You know I will. Magic touch. {they touch fingers} Boop!
Chief Karen Vick (Kirsten Nelson): Heard about what you did in there.
Shawn: Oh, you’re welcome.
Chief Vick: That wasn’t the phrase I was going to use. I was going to say, “Improbable. Possible. Yet unlikely.”
Shawn: It’s hard to explain. I’m gifted. I was born that way.
Chief Vick: I knew your father. He was a good cop. You’re nothing like him.
Shawn: I’ll take that as a compliment, ma’am.
Chief Vick: Don’t ever call me ma’am.
Shawn: Am I still free to go?
Chief Vick: Not exactly. Are you familiar with the McCallum family?
Shawn: McCallum. Yeah. They own half the hill.
Chief Vick: Well there’s been a kidnapping.
Shawn: Oh come on. I had nothing to do with that.
Chief Vick: Would you like to? The feds are itching to jump in on this case. What I need is a miracle. Or a facsimile of one.
Chief Vick: And if this psychic thing is a scam, we will prosecute.
Shawn: I have a job for you.
Burton “Gus” Guster (Dulé Hill):I already have a job.
Shawn: They’re paying you to play video games?
Gus: How do you do that?
Shawn: Come on. Left hand spacebar, right hand arrow keys. Gus. You should ask me a challenging question once in awhile just for kicks.
Shawn: So you’re not interested in hearing about doing the thing we’ve been dreaming about doing since we were eight? I’ve got us the last job we will ever need.
Gus: Shawn, you’ve had fifty-seven jobs since we left high school.
Shawn: Yes I have. And they were all fun. But this one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.
Gus: What about the summer you spent driving the weiner mobile?
Shawn: I did that for the hot dogs.
Shawn: Look Gus, all those jobs I took because I wanted the experience. But then I mastered it and I moved on. But this job has a little bit of everything. Come with me.
Gus: Ah. No. I’m never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.
Shawn: Okay. This is hard to explain but I’m going to give it a shot. You and I are opening our own private detective agency.
Gus: Oh. See. No explanation necessary. Let me get my coat.
Shawn: But you’re not getting your coat!
Gus: Ah, no. No, Shawn. No I’m not.
Shawn: Okay, you wanna sweat the details, fine. The cops think I’m a psychic and now we are investigating a kidnapping!
Gus: You’re serious?
Shawn: Yes! I am serious.
Shawn: Gus, let’s just be clear on one thing. The only way they can absolutely prove I’m not a psychic is if I tell them. And I can guarantee you that is the one thing I will never do.
Shawn: What are you, Lamaze breathing?
Gus: It helps. I cover a few birthing centers.
Shawn: Just let me know when the contractions are two minutes apart.
Lucinda: Mr. Spencer, the sketch artist is here for you.
Shawn: Sketch artist?
Lucinda: The chief insisted.
Shawn: Interim chief.
Lucinda: Yeah. You call her that.
Shawn: Gus. I hate to imagine what the rest of your plan was.
Gus: How did you get in? {he shows him the key in the fake rock}
Shawn: Far less effective on a second floor landing.
Shawn: He had help.
Gus: Who?
Shawn: This guy on the end. Malcolm Orso. Only member of this crew that didn’t go on to fame or fortune. Or rehab.
Shawn: Dude, I’m so excited. This is my first use of spy technology.
Gus: Okay, let’s call the cops. No no no. Let’s call the chief. That’s what we’re going to do, call the chief. Yeah.
Shawn: No no no. No no no. Gus. Gus. We don’t call anyone.
Gus: What?
Shawn: Then later, at headquarters, I suddenly and miraculously have a vision.
Gus: A vision?
Shawn: A vision of stuff we saw. Like, ah, like the road sign with two bullet holes. Like the red kayak, the yellow kayak. And the highway. With numbers. “Oh, I’m seeing…. What am I seeing? Eight three one…”
Gus: We’re on highway 138.
Shawn: Exactly! In the spirit world things get jumbled and out of sequence!
Shawn: All right, let me do the talking.
Gus: Is there even an option.
Lucinda: He’s got your number.
Lassiter: He’s got nothing. I’ll have the chicken quesadilla. Extra chicken.
Shawn: Just make sure you act in awe of me when they come to say I was totally right. Oh and maybe a little afraid. Like my powers could possibly be used for evil.
Gus: Pardon me. Ladies. Gentlemen. {he runs out screaming}
Shawn: I just need to speak to the witnesses again.
Chief Vick: The McCallum family has been through enough. And this conversation is over.
Gus: Thank you. We parked in the parking structure. Do you validate?
Gus: Make no mistake, Shawn. I will kill you.
Shawn: Okay. I appreciate the fact that you think you can beat me up. But I think our last scuffle proves otherwise.
Gus: Are you talking about the Cinnamon Festival?
Shawn: Yes! You do remember.
Gus: Okay, first of all? I was six. And I had a cast.
Shawn: Which many would consider as a clear advantage. It’s like having a weapon attached to your arm.
Lucinda: You don’t give up, do you?
Shawn: I do give up. All the time. But not until the moment is right.
Lassiter: You’re in over your head, Mystic.
Shawn: Hey Dad.
Henry: Shawn.
Shawn: You didn’t tell me you moved back.
Henry: You didn’t tell me you moved away.
Shawn: That was different.
Henry: Was it?
Shawn: Yeah, I was busy trying to help my mom through her divorce.
Henry: Well it’s nice to see you too, son.
Henry: When I was in the department there were two things I hated in this world: private investigators. And psychics. Congratulations, kid. You just hit the disappoint exacta.
Henry: Shawn, this is just like everything else. Three months from now, you’re going to be on a bus going to Minneapolis because you found your calling in life as a weatherman.
Shawn: It’s not like that this time.
Shawn: I’m not soft. I’m sharper than I’ve ever been.
Henry: Close your eyes.
Shawn: No way. I’m not seven—
Henry: Close your eyes. Any longer, I’ll think you’re cheating.
Henry: Shawn, you want my advice. Go out, get yourself a real job. Grow up. And in the meantime you might want to ask yourself who you’re trusting in this case that maybe you shouldn’t. Because obviously you’re overlooking somebody.
Gus: It was her. You’re dating the murderer.
Shawn: Not exclusively.
Gus: Should we call the cops?
Shawn: Too late for that.
Gus: You could pretend you had a vision of a girl that totally manipulated you.
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): This is highly inappropriate, Mr. Spencer. The investigation is over.
Shawn: What if they got the wrong man?
Mr. McCallum (Don S. Davis): And who would the right man be?
Shawn: You.
Shawn: My very first case and I’m already being threatened.
Gus: I told you it wasn’t Snausages!
Lassiter: You know, it’s times like this I remember why I love my job so much.
Gus: Any time Shawn.
Shawn: He’s getting cocky, give it a sec.
Lassiter: Seriously. How?
Shawn: I wish I knew.
Henry: So are you going to continue with this little charade?
Shawn: Well it sort of gives me carte blanche, you know? I can work cases for the department, I can do private jobs. In fact I’ve already got another case.
Henry: Be aware. This is the last time I cover for you, pal. I’m not okay with this, Shawn. Any of it. {Shawn notices his press clipping}
Shawn: I don’t expect you to be, Dad.
Shawn: Awesome!
Gus: Psych? As in “gotcha”?
Shawn: Or. As in “psychic”.
Gus: You named your fake detective agency Psych? Why don’t you just name it, “Hey, we’re fooling you and the police department. Hope we don’t make a mistake and someone dies because of it.”
Shawn: First of all, Gus, that name is entirely too long. It would never fit on the window. And secondly, the best way to convince people you’re not lying to them is to tell them you are.