Halloween Night, 1987
Young Gus: Well can I eat my candy?
Henry: Yeah. Knock yourself out, Lando. As long as your old man doesn’t mind his nine-year-old son passing razor blades.
Young Shawn with his eyes covered: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Young Gus: Not even sort of.
Exactly Twenty Years Later… Give or Take Ten Minutes
Juliet: Yesterday, I went and I had a Himalayan mani-pedi. Yeah, at first it was just to get the other girls to talk, but then I realized my cuticles have been completely taken for granted.
Shawn: Jules. You realize we’re the only ones who can see or hear you.
Juliet: I’m here but I’m not. Get it?
Shawn: Gus, what’s the word?
Gus: That would be “mum”.
Lassiter: Excuse me. I’m going to have to ask you to vacate this room.
Detective Goochberg (Mercedes Ruehl): Excuse me. I’m going to have to ask you to go screw yourself.
Lassiter: I beg your pardon?
Goochberg: Oh, don’t beg.
Lassiter: I’m sorry, how can you possibly be a rookie at your—you know—advanced age?
Goochberg: I passed the test Friday. I had to sue the department to let me take it again.
Lassiter: Again?
Goochberg: I might have failed it. A few times. Thirteen to be exact.
Shawn: Wow. Slow build. Half-meow. Unexpected. Didn’t see the end coming at all.
Alice: How does it feel being pretty but damned?
Juliet: Alice, I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.
Alice: Well just stay away from me. Fair warning.
Shawn: Hey buddy. Good news. I just got a fax confirming that the city of Santa Barbara has unanimously voted you Exorcist of the Year.
Gus: Okay. Make all your little jokes, but I know who was right on my ass all the way to the car.
Shawn: I had no choice. You were my ride home.
Gus: Shawn, you were screaming too.
Shawn: Yes. I was screaming, “Gus. Stop. Let’s be brave.”
Shawn: Gus you’re on fire!
Gus: Thank you.
Shawn: The copycat suicide angle literally goes out the window.
Shawn: If you come, we can roll earlier. We’ll say we’re working on a case.
Gus: We are working on a case.
Shawn: Sweet. So it’s settled.
Shawn: Gus. There is not such thing as an airtight alibi. And if there is, we’re going to pretend like there isn’t. This girl is Sharon Stone from Basic Instinct. Which makes me Michael Douglas and you George Dzundza. Whose name is actually Gus in the film. Until we have another lead, we assume it’s her. We just have to figure out the how. So far, no answer.
Gus: Okay, first of all? Don’t ever compare my black ass to George Dzundza again, okay?
Shawn: Fair.
Shawn: It hits a little close to home seeing as we were there the first time it happened.
Henry: The first time what happened? Did you open your eyes?
Shawn: Dad, you’ve known me my whole life. Of course I opened my eyes.
Henry: And you guys, you’ve been freaked out about this your entire life?
Gus: I don’t even drive by that place. {Henry starts laughing}
Shawn: I really don’t think it’s funny. It was a very scary thing for two young boys. Certainly puts a new spin on the nanny in The Omen.
Gus: You know that’s right.
Henry: Shawn, how much did you two see?
Shawn: We didn’t actually see “it”.
Gus: Luckily he missed the grisly bitter end.
Henry: Luckily?
Gus: Yes, luckily. I covered his eyes, but we know what happened.
Henry: I beg to differ. I think you two missed one very small but important detail. She never jumped. {he starts laughing again}
Shawn: What? No. No, no no no. That’s impossible. We saw the window. She was gone.
Henry: Yeah. Because one off-duty police officer pulled her back inside. Scary Sherry Craddock was rehabilitated. I’m pretty sure that she’s married and living in Fresno. Come on, guys. Give me some more credit here. I have no idea how that ridiculous urban legend got started in the first place.
Shawn: Your big ass mouth.
Gus: I wanted to keep it a secret. You’re the one that was broadcasting it at the lunch table.
Shawn: I can’t believe this.
Gus: We actually started an urban legend.
Shawn: That’s dope!
Shawn: Of course. Why mess around with the worker bees when you can kill the queen.
Gus: What are you talking about, Shawn?
Shawn: Gus! Alice. She wanted us all at that party, including us. So she could get Mary Lou by herself. This is Silence of the Lambs! Which means we’re both Scott Glenn!
Lassiter: He was the victim, Goochberg!
Goochberg: But did we get him?
Lassiter: Yeah. Yeah, we got him, Goochberg.
Shawn: Lassie! Our timing is really starting to crackle.
Alice Bundy: That is it! Now you die for sure!
Juliet: I don’t think so.
Alice Bundy: What would you have done, Shawn? If it was your best friend. What would you have done?
Shawn: Oh no. Gus!
Lassiter: Did I upset you?
Chief Vick: Upset me?
Lassiter: Insult you. Demean you in some way that I did not comprehend?
Chief Vick: Detective, I am pretty sure I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Lassiter: The woman. The crazy woman. The half-deaf, litigating nightmare express of a detective? Why would you put me, of all people, with her? I am head detective.
Chief Vick: Honestly, detective, I thought you two would hit it off.
Lassiter: Why would you possibly think that?
Chief Vick: Well she kind of reminds me of you. You know, a few years down the road. Similar interests, outlooks. Everyone thought it was a pretty good idea.
Lassiter: That’s how people perceive me?
Chief Vick: We’re all a little surprised that it didn’t work out, Carlton.
Shawn: Hey Lassie! {he tosses him a fortune cookie}