Juliet: I’m at the Psych office, I’ll be there in like ten minutes {…} Well I think they’re going to follow me no matter what.
Gus: So?
Shawn: Nothing suspicious. I’m going to have to go rogue and fabricate something to get us in on this one.
Gus: How is that different from usual?
Shawn: I’m completely sober.
Gus: You’re an idiot.
Shawn: I could eat.
Gus: Me too.
Shawn: Well Jules, my vision has told me that the hanging dude hung himself. So should I just invoice you or is there a cash machine nearby?
Juliet: Hm. That doesn’t really strike me as a billable observation, Shawn.
Lassiter: You are looking at the newest resident of Prospect Gardens.
McNab: The Prospect Gardens?
Lassiter: Yes, McNab. “The” Prospect Gardens. Try and hide your jealousy. You’re embarrassing yourself.
McNab: I heard that place has bad juju.
Lassiter: No you didn’t.
McNab: You’re right. Congratulations.
Shawn: Gus. I’ve learned my lesson. It turns out that toys are not a safe place to hide expensive jewelry.
Lassiter: I’m here because I have a… situation at my new condo.
Shawn: Dead hookers.
Gus: Robot cockroaches.
Lassiter: I heard things.
Lassiter: You understand why I’m upset, right?
Shawn: Lassie, we have to be prepared for any and all scenarios.
Gus: Including ones that may involve spirits, shades or sprites. Even thought we know it’s not any of that.
Amy (Sara Rue): Who are your friends?
Shawn: Shawn Spencer, psychic detective, SBPD. This is my partner, Fellatio Del Toro.
Gus: We’re investigating a haunting in Lassiter’s new condo.
Amy: Wow. That’s some good skinny. I gotta get up to this floor more often.
Lloyd (Louis Gossett Jr.): Don’t you ever touch me, son.
Lassiter: Duly noted.
Gus: That’ll be one thousand dollars.
Lassiter: Fine. So the creepy twins live in the building. But I haven’t touched my chairs since someone or something put them on top of the table.
Shawn: I think this is just a case of your imagination getting the best of you.
Happens to Gus and I once every seven days.
Lassiter: This is not my imagination. Alright, think about it. How sure must I have been that something nefarious is at play here for me to come to you two dunderheads for help.
Gus: Why did you send us a 911 text when we were just upstairs?
Woody: No, it was a 7-11 text and I was hoping you could bring me a Slurpee or a quesadilla in the shape of a tube.
Woody: The blood wasn’t human.
Gus: Chupacabra?
Shawn: Dead robot hookers?
Woody: Some kind of animal. One with abnormally high triglycerides and what appears to be an STD.
Shawn: Lloyd, my good man. I’m Shawn Spencer. This is my partner Eddy Adams from Torrance.
Lloyd: Yeah, I remember you. You had your hand in the dead man’s fridge.
Shawn: So you’re aware of the unexplained phenomena in unit 536.
Lloyd: The business in unit 536 ain’t unexplained.
Shawn: That’s what we were thinking. I told you we came to the right dude.
Gus: We think someone is trying to scare Carlton Lassiter out of 536.
Lloyd: You’re right. And I know who the culprit is. Condo 536.
Shawn: Hm.
Gus: I think we’re done here.
Lloyd: Wait wait. I’ve seen it. Sound-minded men move in there. Then they begin to unravel. Before you know it, they’re delivered into the mouth of madness. Condo 536 has a curse within its walls.
Henry: Now I’m no expert in this stuff, but there’s definitely something weird going on here.
Gus: It’s not haunted.
Shawn: No, it isn’t.
Henry: I think it’s haunted.
Juliet: Alright, if you could think of one thing in the world that could make you feel better right now, what would it be?
Lassiter: I wouldn’t say no to a sloppy joe.
Shawn: She’s got the crazy coursing through her legs!
Mr. O’Hara (William Shatner): I sensed that you have an urgent question about my daughter. So spit it out. Don’t mince words.
Gus: Mr. O’Hara.Yes, Shawn has bent the truth on occasion, but he’s as decent as they come. In fact, he’s the type of guy I’d want my daughter to bring home. Provided he was mostly black. And God-fearing. And she wasn’t really my daughter.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll think about that. That’s very sweet.