Florida, 1990
Mrs. O’Hara: Juliet, the party’s almost over. I don’t think Daddy’s coming, sweetie.
Young Juliet: He’s coming. I know it.
Mrs. O’Hara: Okay. But it’s a little rude to stay in here all day. And hey, your clown’s leaving soon.
Young Juliet: He can’t even juggle.
Present Day
Chief Vick: So what’s the story with these guys?
Lassiter: This group of thieves hit West Medical Supply earlier this morning, made off with a couple dozen oxygen tanks.
Shawn: Because of the Great Oxygen Drought.
Gus: Hold your breath, people. Do your part.
Lassiter: Idiots.
Juliet: What he said.
Shawn: Okay, Jules. We’re nervous about three things. Gary Busey.
Gus: Gary Busey.
Shawn: And your thirtieth birthday bash!
Juliet: Shawn, we talked about this. The subject of my dad is off-limits. Look, he missed most of my birthdays anyway. It’s really complicated and… well, he’s just not really presentable.
Gus: “Not presentable”. What does that mean?
Shawn: I’ll tell you what it means. Juliet has a problem and, as the man, it’s my job to fix it.
Gus: I don’t think that’s what it means.
Frank O’Hara (William Shatner): You don’t look like Tito Nagasaki and Bob Jones.
Shawn: I’ve been told on many occasions that I am the spitting image of Tito Nagasaki. And if this guy doesn’t look like Bob Jones, well I don’t know anything.
Mr. O’Hara: So Burton, how long have you been a single man?
Gus: How do you know I’m single?
Mr. O’Hara: How much time do you have?
Shawn: Mr. O’Hara, I am here to broker a reunion between father and daughter.
Mr. O’Hara: See, I’ve reached out to Jule. But unless she responds, I think it’s wise to stay away.
Shawn: See sir, I think that would be a mistake. I know how Juliet feels. I didn’t speak with my father for many years. And I know it creates a void in your life. I’ll say this: I can and will help orchestrate this reunion.
Juliet: Do you have any idea how completely inappropriate it is that you went behind my back and invited him here?
Shawn: Yeah, but I only did all of this to show you that you are completely wrong. He’s totally presentable! He’s got a giant house and a yacht.
Juliet: He doesn’t have any of those things.
Shawn: Gus, back me up here.
Gus: He’s rich and awesome and powerful.
Juliet: He’s not rich and he’s not powerful. He’s a con man.
Shawn: Relax, Gus. So Frank fooled us. Big deal. It happens to us every seven days.
Shawn: Congratulations! You’re a con man.
Mr. O’Hara: I prefer confidence man.
Gus: You should be ashamed of yourself.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll have you know that I’ve been referred to as the modern day Robin Hood by many of my colleagues.
Shawn: Really? You rob from the rich and give to the poor?
Mr. O’Hara: I con from the rich and give to myself when I’m at my poorest.
Mr. O’Hara: Tell you the truth here, I miss my daughter. And I have recently—and I accept the fact it was only eleven hours ago—turned a corner. I’m going straight.
Shawn: What do you honestly think Gus and I were born on the Fourth of July?
Gus: Or yesterday.
Shawn: Or to run?
Shawn: Come on. Foghorn needs Leghorn.
Gus: They’re the same rooster, Shawn.
Shawn: Exactly.
Gus: Um. Since I’m not really involved with this— {he slides away}
Juliet: Oh, you’re not going anywhere, Gus. {he slides back}
Shawn: I know i’m in the doghouse.
Juliet: Or, you’re not in the doghouse.
Shawn: I’m not?
Juliet: No, you’re going to have to work really hard to make it into the doghouse.
Shawn: So I’m in the yard. Which is still an enclosed area. Unless I’m in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound? Where’s Gus? Is Gus with me?
Gus: Why do I have to be in the pound?
Shawn: So they get adopted together like two inseparable wienie dogs.
Mr. O’Hara: I’ll take that one.
Gus: It’s a three hundred thousand dollar Bentley. Everyone will take that one.
Juliet: I thought I was clear before. The only people allowed here are the people working the case.
Mr. O’Hara: But Jule, I am working the case.
Juliet: What are you talking about? Shawn, what is he talking about?
Lassiter: This is awkward.
Juliet: It is extremely frustrating to be constantly ignored. In fact, it’s getting a little hurtful, Shawn.
Shawn: Those silly coin expos you go to. Do they really have coins that are worth more than their face value?
Shawn: Man, I wish you were my little league coach.
Henry: Hey! Hey, I was your coach in little league.
Shawn: Really? That short-fused balding guy was you?
Mr. O’Hara: A real pro can get through this safe in two minutes. Your coins are sitting ducks in there.
Sheldon (Marc Evan Jackson): Please. Have you not listened to anything I’ve said?
Shawn: I certainly haven’t but I didn’t think you’d noticed.
Shawn: What happened out there today?
Henry: The other team played better.
Gus: Frank stole the penny?
Shawn: Unfortunately, yes.
Shawn: Dammit, you have got to stop doing this to your daughter. She was just starting to allow herself to believe that you were actually a changed man.
Mr. O’Hara: I know, I know. And I wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that.
Shawn: Could have fooled me.
Juliet: You are such a coward.
Mr. O’Hara: There’s no need for that.
Juliet: Actually there’s a long overdue need for it.
Juliet: What really breaks my heart is that you won’t be there for all the moments to come.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t know that, Juliet.
Juliet: Yes I do. Because that’s my choice. And I don’t want you there.
Mr. O’Hara: You don’t mean that.
Juliet: Sadly, I mean every word. Because I feel cheated. I feel robbed. So congratulations, Frank. Your longest con of all was on your own daughter.
Shawn: Don’t touch anything!
Mr. O’Hara: Nothing worth touching.
Mr. O’Hara: I have a lot of proud moments of you, Juliet. But the proudest was when they swore you in and gave you that badge, and I realized—luckily—you’re nothing like me.
Shawn: Being the closeted soft rock fan that you are, are you familiar with a station called 103.1 The Surf?
Gus: No. I’m not.
Juliet: Where are the ginormous ponies?
Shawn: You mean horses. Apparently they’re very expensive to rent and they poop a lot.
Juliet: Oh, good call.
Shawn: You think this is my first surprise party for a girlfriend who’s dad is a professional con man? Huh? It is. It is my first.