Present Day
Shawn: Please explain to me again we’re doing here. As opposed to doing anything else in the world.
Gus: We’re paying respects to a man who dedicated his life’s work the police department, Shawn.
Shawn: Oh please! You don’t know Jim.
Woody: Hey guys. When’s the pinata coming out?
Shawn: I don’t know if there is a pinata.
Woody: Oh. I was told this was a party.
Juliet: Okay, well as fun as this is I think I’m gonna scoot.
Shawn: No!
Gus: You’re leaving? What about Jim?
Juliet: I don’t even know Jim. Plus I have to work on the D.A.’s case. Lassiter and I have to testify in court tomorrow.
Gus: Lassiter’s still here.
Juliet: Lassiter’s sleeping.
Gus: Oh, they’re both for me.
Shawn: You don’t have enough game for half of one of those women.
Gus: Please. I’ve got game.
Gus: What happened last night?
Shawn: Strangely, I have no idea. Wait. {he gets a lot of spinning images} Nothing. Weird. Disjointed. My finger-to-eyebrow device is broken. It’s never happened to me before. My memory is completely blank.
Gus: Shawn, why is there a shower cap on your head?
Shawn: I’m sure there’s a very easy explanation to this.
Gus: Is there a very easy explanation as to why you’re wearing sandals that aren’t yours?
Shawn: Where are my Nike’s?
Gus: And why are you wearing a gold chain, Shawn?
Lassiter: Oh dear Lord, please tell me this is a dream.
Woody waking up: Calm down. Peaches. Come back to bed.
Lassiter: Whatever you think happened last night didn’t happen, because nothing happened you got it?
Shawn: That’s nice, Lassie. Way to belittle the man.
Woody: Yeah, Detective. I do have feelings.
Gus: What is all over your face?
Woody: I can’t be sure. {checks} Oh god. You didn’t see a small Colombian with a hook for an arm, did you?
Gus: No.
Woody: Why do you have a black eye?
Lassiter: Okay. It’s nothing to freak about. Everybody relax. It’s no big deal, it’s just a small shiner.
Shawn: Lassie’s absolutely right. His lover’s spat with Woody is really none of our business.
Shawn: Uh oh.
Lassiter: My baby! Son of a— . It’s missing three bullets. I can tell by the weight. It’s three light. It’s been fired.
Gus: Shouldn’t someone start freaking out right now?
Gus: Okay. If no one else is going to freak out, then I will. {he freaks out}.
Shawn: It’s just a minor ding, buddy. You can only see it because the sun’s hitting at that angle. Isn’t that right, Woody?
Woody: I don’t feel right inside.
Chief Vick: Detective Lassiter, why are you wearing sunglasses at an autopsy?
Lassiter: I—
Shawn: Chief, if I may. Lassie spoke to us all about a week ago about wearing sunglasses to all autopsies moving forward to show respect for the dead. I simply forgot. And Gus refused because he has no value for human life.
Lassiter: Plus I’ve got Shawn and Gus to help me.
Juliet: I’m sorry. You’re requesting to work with Shawn and Gus? What is going on? And please take those sunglasses off.
Lassiter: You put some sunglasses on!
Juliet: Shawn I didn’t get any sleep last night. Aren’t you going to say anything about the phone call you made to me? It’s kind of a huge deal.
Shawn: Phone call… Yes. Of course. Obviously. It is huge, isn’t it?
Juliet: Does Gus know about this?
Shawn: Why… wouldn’t he? Something of this magnitude.
Lassiter: Okay, I think I’m going to turn myself in.
Shawn: What, for spooning with Woody?
Shawn: Lassie, I need you to look inwards. Take a swim in Lake You. See what you see. We can do this.
Lassiter: Spencer, I can’t survive without the facts. I don’t know what happened last night. I’ve never lost control of my faculties in my life.
Woody: Me neither. Unless I’m being tickled. Then all bets are off.
Shawn: What about me, fellahs? I’m not having any psychic visions. Flashbacks or recreation flashbacks. Or recreation flashbacks with new psychic visions! I mean imagine you weren’t just a plain, gangly average human, huh?. That you could wink at someone and light up their world! That you could make a child think that you have given them an ice cream cone without giving them the cone! And then watch them skip off into a beautiful meadow licking nothing but air! Imagine that!
Gus: Shawn was wearing the dead man’s sandals!
Shawn: Huh. I was hoping you guys didn’t notice that.
Shawn: I am sensing that our victim was some kind of stalker.
Lassiter: Stalker?
Shawn: Yeah, I get a vision. Of a blonde woman. Attractive, in a soccer mom sort of way. Kind of Teri Garr-esque.
Lassiter: Okay. First off, I didn’t realize peyote stayed in your system so many years. I have only myself and my then-girlfriend Lollypop to blame. Secondly, Guster, your cholesterol is really high!
Shawn: Man, I told you eating something called “stick of butter in a bun” was a bad idea.
Gus: I can’t help it, Shawn. My body craves buttery goodness.
Gus: Last Night Gus had some serious game.
Shawn: I’ll be damned, I think I owe you an apology.
Shawn: Good news. I know where we went when we left the bar last night. And Woody. You don’t have a cocaine problem.
Bobo’s Donuts: Come on. Look at me. Does it look like I’m going around trying to bed a bunch of Desperate Housewive-types? Like that’s my thing. ‘Cause they can’t get enough of this.
Shawn: I’m drawn to you in a weird sort of way.
Gus: Maybe they recognized you from Children of the Corn.
Bobo’s Donuts: Maybe they recognized you from The Cosby Show, Bud.
Gus: I’m not Bud!
Shawn: This is good, this feels good. This is great! We finally have a handle on what happened last night.
Hey! You killed Bobo!
Shawn: Or, there could still be a few details floating around out there.
Bobo.
Lassiter: I am sorry for your loss.
Lassiter: Hello?
Woody: Guten tag.
Lassiter: There’s been another body.
Woody: I just got verified on Twitter.
Shawn: Oh, that’s nice. Good for you.
Woody: Thanks.
Chief Vick: This is Scott Williams. Age 44. Caucasian. Found dead in his car off San Viejo Drive.
Gus: That’s right down the block from Bobo’s Donuts!
Chief Vick: What bearing does that have, Mr. Guster?
Shawn: Fun fact. Gus is making a book of them.
Juliet: You asked me to move in with you.
Shawn: Lassiter killed Williams.
Juliet: Lassiter killed Williams?
Shawn: Move in? We’ve only been together for like four months.
Juliet: Again: Lassiter killed this man?
Shawn: I don’t think he did. Not anymore.
Shawn: I’m not keeping it from you, I just don’t remember what happened. I expect someone to come around every corner and say, “Not you again.”
Juliet: So if you technically don’t remember asking me, do you still want to move in?
Shawn: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Of course. Why else would I be shrink-wrapping all my old sweaters to make room in the closet for yours?
Juliet: I just think you like to shrink-wrap things.
Shawn: That’s true.
Shawn: Remember when we talked about inside voice?
Gus: I’m using my inside voice.
Shawn: Okay, now it’s time to learn about no voice.
Shawn: I have a very strong vision about another place we may have been last night. This one does not involve food, so please bring snacks if you are peckish.
Chief Vick: Does someone want to explain to me what happened last night?
Lassiter: Okay, I just want to go on record and say I was on that couch first.
Chief Vick: I don’t even know what that was supposed to mean.
Chief Vick: Excuse me, may I help you?
Ed Lover: My beef ain’t with you, lady. I need to talk to these two cats right here.
Shawn: Mother of God.
Gus: It’s Ed Lover.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, what is Ed Lover doing in my office?
Ed Lover: I guess your mother never taught you about taking another grown ass man’s bling.
Gus: Wait, that’s your bling?
Ed Lover: That’s my brand, playa.
Gus: Dude, you took Ed Lover’s bling?
Shawn: I would never do that, I swear!
Ed Lover: Come on, son. You know damn well you swiped my ultra bright while I was on the dance floor gettin’ my freak on.
Henry: Who the hell is Ed Lover?
Shawn and Gus: Come on, son!
Shawn: I apologize for my dad’s life.
Chief Vick: Listen, Mr. Guster, we’re all happy that you can manage to captivate the honeys, or whatever it is. But right now, you are on my time.
Gus: Can you hold on one sec? {to the chief} Actually, Chief, I’m on my time. I almost lost my life an hour ago, and I’m sick of it. Last Night Gus had it right. And I don’t want to sit here wasting another moment when I could be living the life I was meant to live: balling and shot-calling. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna keep it one hundie and take this call.
Shawn: Buddy—
Gus: Sorry, Shawn.
It’s hard out there for a pimp.
Shawn: That’s true, Chief. He’s gotta make money for the rent.
Chief Vick: Mr. Spencer, where are your pants!?
Henry: I’m not entirely sure, Chief.
Shawn: That’s the girl! That’s the girl from the bar last night that Gus supposedly hooked up with. Only younger and cuter and less murderer-y. Oh man, that means Last Night Gus did not have the game he thought he did.
Gus: Can I squish your face?
Shawn about Bobo: It’s not really gender specific, isn’t it?
Juliet: Look. I don’t want the future us to be dictated by something that Last Night Shawn said. So if you can look me in the eye and tell me that Today Shawn definitely wants to move in… That’s what I thought.
Shawn: No, I was about to say yes.
Juliet: No, you weren’t.
Shawn: I was. I was just going to use an accent and I was waffling between Scottish and Gaelic. And the differences are very subtle.
Juliet: It’s fine. The fact that any version of Shawn wanted to move in is…
Shawn: Minty?
Juliet: I was going to say romantic.
Shawn: Really? So you’re not terribly disappointed in me?
Juliet: Look, I’m just saying that it doesn’t have to happen right now, today. Does that make sense?
Shawn: I understand. You’re an incredible slob. A hoarder, right? You just live amidst stacks and stacks of periodicals and… taxidermy? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?